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Chapter Five: Letting Go.
He could barley moved, but he pressed forward anyway. He moved his legs and focused on that, and that alone. Kate was ahead of him. Following Sayid. The passage way wasn't narrow but wide. They had been walking down it for at least an hour now, and Sawyer's body was demanding rest.
It was then, Kate looked back. Sawyer didn't notice, instead, he was sweating and focusing on the ground. Gently as she could, she touched Sayid's arm and motioned to Sawyer. The man noticed.
"I say we stop for the night. We can continue tomorrow and you need rest." Sawyer looked up.
"Yeah, if it is still night." he mumbled. But didn't complain. He sat down and let out a sigh. Leaning his body against the rock wall and closing his eyes. He felt motion next to him and cracked them open to see Kate sitting next to him, however, unlike his legs, which were lain out before him, she held her's close.
"Get comfortable Freckles, its not like the cave wall is going to fall on us." He said. Kate jumped when she heard his voice but then relaxed a little. Right then, as she looked at him, Sawyer felt his heart swell and found his mind go into oblivion. The way she looked. Right then, was unmatched. The un-guarded, wild yet also timid look in her eyes made her look so beautiful to him yet it also made him sad. She looked so scarred. He moved his hand, brushing away a lock of her hair.
As he pulled away, she caught his hand and held it in her own. He felt odd. A few days ago, he had figured he had lost her to Jack, and now, she was sitting there, looking at him, and holding his hand. He moved his body so he was facing her. Although tired, he realized that she was giving him a chance. Slowly, he moved closer to her, there lips nearly meeting, when Sayid cursed.
Awkwardly, they pulled back, startled. The man came, covered in dust. Coughing.
"The passage way ahead collapsed!" He shouted. "I was scouting ahead to make sure we were safe and it came down!" He wiped dust out of his eyes. Sawyer looked back at Kate, who was looking away. A blush had come to her cheeks and she let go of his hand. He felt so frustrated then. "I think something up ahead has made it weak. The structure itself was cracked." He said as he sat down.
"Then what do we do now?" Kate said with a small yet visible yawn. She all of a sudden had grown tired.
"I do not know. We can't go forward here, but if we hide out here for much longer, we run the risk of being caught." Sayid mumbled. "But for now, one of us should remain guard. I'll do it, then Kate, then Sawyer. We take two hour shifts. That way we get some sleep. Then, we decide what to do." Sawyer nodded and closed his eyes. He felt Kate lean next to him. And soon. He found an uneasy sleep.
GGG
Jack, Sun and Jin watched Alex quietly. It was morning. Jin was making sure Sun was alright. Speaking in Korean so fast that Sun even had a hard time understanding him. Jack smiled at the two, he was glad they were able to mend there relationship, however, Jack noticed that Jin still had his temper.
Then, there was Alex. She wasn't very talkative. And Jack realized that must have been because of the Others, what ever they did to her. He didn't trust her yet. How could he? She could be a spy or a scout. Waiting for the chance to slit there throats, yet then again, she could also be telling the truth. He weighed out his options. If he trusted her and brought her back to there camp, they could run the risk of the Other's finding them, yet if he didn't and she was telling the truth, he would be putting Sun and Jin into danger as well.
Taking in a breath, he made his decision. He had to trust her. Sun and Jin weren't worth the risk of wandering around in the jungle.
"Alright," he said. Getting up. Drawing the attention of the three. Sun translated for Jin."Were going to head back to camp. I know where we are." He said, pointing to the black ish rock to there right. "We'll go back and make a plan from there." Jin then spoke to Sun. She nodded.
"What about Kate, Sawyer and Sayid?" Jack froze. What about them. They could still be out there... or captured.
"We just have to hope they made it back as well." He said finally. Sun nodded and translated to Jin. Alex got up.
"Thank you for trusting me." She said quietly to Jack.
"I'm giving you a chance Alex. Don't blow it." Alex nodded and then looked sadly behind her. Quietly, she took out a small mirror and flashed it in the sun. All the while, she was trying to fight back tears.
GGG
Sawyer felt Kate shake his body. He opened his eyes, meeting her face.
"What? No banana's this time Freckles?" She smiled at him.
"Its your turn. Wake Sayid and me up if a few hours."
"Yes ma'am" He said. He moved closer to the center of the cave. He could barley make out Sayid's sleeping form in the darkness. But that didn't matter. What mattered was he was alone now. And he had to make some decisions. He took out his letter, although he couldn't see it, he knew it by heart. Every line, every spelling error, every pen mark. And every time he saw the letter, he wanted to rip it up and let it blow away with the wind.
Yet he couldn't. He couldn't get rid of it. He couldn't let go. He couldn't give up being Sawyer and let James, the real person he was, the person who loved Kate. Who considered Jack as his friend. Yet, also within him was Sawyer. The man who had screwed Ana Lucia, the man who had conned and ruined so man people's lives. The man who was holding him back.
He could never go back to being called James. It sounded alien to him. But if he tore up the letter, and let go, maybe, just maybe , he could become who he really was. He could let the James inside go free. He glanced at the letter. He felt its soft texture, from being folded and soaked in water more than once. Slowly, he remembered murdering Frank. Was that Sawyer or James? He thought quietly to himself.
Making his decision, he slowly tore the letter in half. Feeling the pain in his heart as he tore it. Then, he tore it again, just as slow. Just as dramatically. So he would feel it. It was like unlocking a cage that he'd been in since he was eight.
The letter was in pieces now. Slowly, he dug up some of the ground, and buried it. He then let himself zone out into darkness.
GGG
Two hours later. He slowly shook Sayid then Kate. They got up quietly. Not really speaking. Until Sayid spoke up.
"Alright, what is the plan?" He said quietly.
"What about heading back to camp?" Kate suggested quietly. "Maybe the others have made it back and-"
"Or there caught by the Other's" Sawyer said. "But camp is where the food and water is, and we have neither. "
"Alright then." Sayid said. They all got up. Slowly, turning around and heading back into the darkness.