Act IV - Nostalgia
This is how we made memories together.
I guess I sort of knew it was going to happen eventually. But when I finally found out, why had I felt so surprised? You had said it yourself, right? Now that I think about it, it could have just as easily been me. Regardless, we both know: aristocrats only marry for money. So it was likely to expect that you'd have an arranged marriage.
Maybe that was around the time that I began to notice it.
You didn't seem too bothered by the whole idea. You talked of it as if it was a prospect of the far-off future, as if it was none of our concern. When you'd smile casually like it was no big deal, and tell me you could only ever think of her as a friend, I wondered: over time, would your feelings change?
It seemed only natural. All three of us were often together. The two of you were so precious to me, but as we grew older, she started to look at you differently. I began to wonder what it would be like if I were to become unneeded.
At the time, I was unsettled to know that I was afraid. Afraid that you'd sail away from me, beyond my reach. That even if I had called for you, all you would hear would be the distant laughter of a childhood friendship long gone.
It was a late afternoon in September – a hazy, orange cobblestone pathway lay before us. The sun was glowing with an iridescent resonance, enveloping the buildings in blankets of gold. I watched the way it revolved past trees' branches, casting kaleidoscopic patterns of light on the back of my hands.
"Hey, Albert! Hurry up already!" I called, urging my legs to pedal a bit faster. "We've got to get to your house and change before it starts. I can borrow one of your suits, right?"
"Yeah, sure. But geez, stop going so fast!" Albert, from a few feet behind me, let out a frustrated groan. "What's so good about getting there early?
"Well, if you hadn't broken your chain this morning on our way to school, we wouldn't have to hurry like this." I told him. "And why was I the one who had to fix it?"
"You know I'm not good at those things." he replied.
"Come on, let's go faster." I leaned forward a bit on my bike. Albert exhaled rather noisily, discouraged.
"Why are you so eager to go there anyway?" he scoffed. "I hate formal dinner parties."
I laughed. Albert had a defiant frown on his face, sunlight glistening in his eyes. He rode his bike leisurely, unmotivated to get home any quicker.
"Ah, come on. You're thirteen already." I pointed out.
"So?" Albert shot back, annoyed. "What do you mean by that?"
"So of course you have to attend these things." Even though he was more than half a year older than me, he still acted like a little kid sometimes. I turned back to give him a smirk.
When Albert let out a defeated-sounding, "humph," I only smiled. He'd always been like this. During social gatherings when we were younger, Madame Morcerf would often leave him to me. "Make sure he doesn't run off somewhere by himself, okay?" she'd tell me. "Albert always gets restless at parties."
"But still." Albert quickened his pace a bit, pedaling fast enough until he came to my side. "I don't really want to go. This one's different."
"Hmm?" I lazily replied, giving him a sideways glance, although I already had an idea of what he meant.
"It's because Eugénie will be there…" Albert looked perplexed. "And you know, we're…"
"You're engaged now?" I finished for him. I was surprised at the strange way it came out of my mouth, but Albert didn't seem to notice the rift in my voice.
"Yeah. I mean, how am I supposed to talk to her?" he watched the townhouses fly by, bathed in an autumn glow. "It's just so weird."
"Just talk to her like you always do." I turned to the road ahead, pedaling a bit faster. "It can't be that hard, can it?"
"It is! It's different now, Franz." Albert sighed. "The way it is between me and her, I mean. Since last week, it's like she's a different person."
"Oh." I didn't turn around. "And do you…" I took a deep breath, being careful to articulate my words casually.
"Do you think you like this 'different person'?"
"Well…" he paused for a bit, deep in thought.
"Actually… I really don't know. Eugénie just happened to be who my parents picked. She's always been friends with us, so it's hard… Even though she seems like someone else, it's hard to think of her… in that way."
"I see." I found it impossible to say much else.
He doesn't know. Not a "no", but better than him saying "yes", right?
I squeezed tighter on my handlebars.
What was I thinking? Didn't I want Eugénie and Albert to be happy? Then what was so wrong about them being happy together? I focused on the clicking of my bicycle tires to drown out my thoughts.
Some friend I am.
"Franz…" Albert began softly. "How come you're usually so quiet about this?"
I hadn't planned to reply right away. I hadn't actually planned to reply at all. After all, how could I talk to him about something like this? It was hard enough for me to even think about it. But the words decided to clumsily squeeze their way out of my mouth.
"Albert, I…" It was difficult to search for the right thing to say next. The sun was beginning to set. We were going to be late, but that didn't matter anymore. "I'm not sure, but…"
Should I say it?
I guess it was too late to take it back now. I inhaled slowly, slowing my bike down to a moderate speed. Albert glanced at me curiously. I hesitantly looked into his azure eyes, but soon turned away.
If I can't say it to his face, I'll say it to the sky.
"I think I might…"
"Oh!" Albert abruptly yelled, almost knocking me off balance. It took me a moment to regain my dazed self.
I whipped my head around, annoyed. "What the hell was that? Can you not yell so suddenly next time?" I retorted. "Geez, are you trying to get me in an accident or something?"
Albert laughed. "Sorry, sorry. I didn't mean to surprise you." Then his voice went from the strange transition of nonchalantly apologetic to sneakily suspicious.
"But I get it now. Franz, could it be that you like someone?"
Could it be that I like someone? Yes, maybe Albert was right. I smiled quietly to myself, stifling a laugh. It was all so ironic, in a bittersweet kind of way.
Like. That's a funny word.
It can mean anything from mutual appreciation to intense feelings of admiration – a feeling that is more than friendship. I hadn't really thought about it before until recently.
I looked up, watching the creamy pink clouds drift amongst a pastel-orange sky.
Did I have those feelings?
A few months earlier, on a humid summer night, Albert and I had laid awake on uncomfortably warm futons in our secret hideout. We were having a sleepover there for the weekend.
"Aw man, it's so hot in here," Albert complained, pushing off his blanket to open up the window. "You'd think that when we got this place fixed up, we could have at least added a fan or something."
A gust of sticky, moist air flowed into the room. As if it wasn't warm enough already. I rolled over on my side to see Albert shut the window immediately.
"That didn't help," I laughed. "You and your brilliant plan."
Albert only scowled.
"Well, do you have any better ideas?" he suggested.
I shifted over on my back, stretching my arms. Albert was sitting on the side of my futon, cross-legged. I made the assumption that we probably weren't going to go to sleep for a while. With a lack of any reply, Albert was getting annoyed.
"Seriously, Franz. It's so warm in here." He grabbed the collar of his nightshirt and tugged at it, fanning himself. "Isn't there anything we can do?"
"Well, you could take all your clothes off."
"What?" Albert just about turned twenty shades of pink.
I laughed, pulling myself off my back to sit up next to him. If we weren't going to go to sleep, what was the point in lying down?
"I was just kidding, Albert." I hit him with a pillow to snap him out of his embarrassed astonishment. "Of course I wasn't being serious."
"Still. Don't joke around about stuff like that," Albert protested. "You're going to give me a heart attack one day."
"Nah." I replied, grinning.
Albert shot me an annoyed look, but then seemed to forget about it pretty quickly. "I'm going to lie down for a bit," he told me. I watched as Albert lowered himself on my futon, still fanning himself by tugging at his shirt. He let his eyes close slowly.
"I feel so tired…" he mumbled. "But I can't fall asleep."
I smiled at his serene disposition. He looked so calm... so innocent. I could smell his warm scent: it was of soap and summer winds. His beautifully sound expression was silent, gently glowing as he basked in slivers of moonlight.
There was an aching under my throat: I wanted to reach out to him, touch him. I could feel my breath trembling as I imagined his body next to mine. I just wanted to close my arms around him, to have his soft face against my own.
It was such a simple, pure desire. Surely there was nothing wrong with that...
I leaned forward.
"Albert…"
"Huh?" he lazily turned towards my direction, opening his eyes. I was kneeling over him, reaching out for his right hand. His eyes grew wide. "Franz, what are you…"
"Albert, stop fanning yourself like that." I pulled his hand off of his collar. "See, look, it's already stretched. You looked like you were going to rip a hole in that thing."
"What are you, my mother?" His mood had quickly changed from confused to irritated. But at the same time, he was blushing. "I wasn't going to rip a hole in it. I'm not that stupid."
"You're so easy to embarrass," I teased him.
But Albert said nothing. He was silent for a moment, staring at the moonlight pouring in through the window. The stars were reflected in his eyes.
I began to worry that maybe I'd gone too far.
"Albert, I'm sorry, I –"
"Franz…" Albert's voice was soft, pensive. He seemed serious.
"Huh? What is it?"
"Yesterday…" Albert studied the night sky thoughtfully.
"Yesterday, Eugénie told me that she likes someone…" he paused. "But she wouldn't tell me who."
My stomach began to feel weird, but I said nothing. Albert blinked, turning towards my eyes.
"Franz… what do you think it's like?"
"What do I think what's like?" I clutched a corner of my blanket in a clenched fist. "What's into you all of a sudden?"
"I mean, what is it like to like someone?" he asked, directing the question to the moon this time. It must have been awkward for him to talk about such things, because his cheeks were bright pink.
"Not just as friends, but you know, in a romantic sort of way." He let out a strange cough. "You've always seemed like the mature one, so I thought you might know, that's all."
He was looking at the moon, but I could see that Albert's eyes were anxious. They were glistening with curiosity, with hesitant interest, maybe. What was he thinking of? What feelings did he have right now?
"I…" Searching for the right words to say, I paused. "I think it's when you care about someone more than you care about yourself." I lay down next to my friend to look at the stars with him.
"You're emotionally and mentally close with this person… and you want to hold them, to embrace them, maybe even kiss them – but just being with them is more than enough. When you care about them so much that you just want them to be happy… even if it means giving up your own life."
Albert turned to me slowly, looking straight into my eyes. Mouth slightly agape, he seemed awed beyond words.
"Franz…" he told me gently, "I don't really get it, but…"
"But what?" I ventured. I watched as his brow furrowed in thought.
"I don't think that's it."
"It's not?" I put my hands behind my head, resting on my pillow. "Oh."
"No… I think that's love."
The clicking of my tires disturbed my thoughts. Albert was biking behind me now, throwing an arm up in the air.
"You do like someone!" he exclaimed triumphantly. "I knew it!"
"Maybe…" The breeze felt cool and inviting against my cheeks. Long shadows stretched along the ground. Under my breath, I mumbled: "But maybe it's more than that."
"So who are you really after?" Albert prodded. "Come on! Just give me a hint!"
I laughed. Turning around to my best friend, I could see an expectant smirk spread across his face. His tousled brown hair shone sepia in the afternoon light.
When I didn't reply right away, he blinked at me with his liquid blue eyes, my face reflected in them.
"What?" he asked.
I smiled.
"You wouldn't get it."