Title: Forbidden Anguish
Written by: Yue Guang Kuroneko
Pairing: HikaruxKaoru
Rating: eto...G...?
Written for: a challenge set by Hojo-dono (From the "For Richer or Poorer" Ouran forum)
Dedicated to: Hojo-dono & FRoPSubs! I LOVE YOU GUYS 3
Warning: This is my first HikaruxKaoru (and shounen ai) fic, so beware of OOCness and just general suckage. And if I may mention...this is as angst as I get; if there was a requestduring the time ofmy darker days, I would've written better (I think...)
Summary: Who said Hitachiin Hikaru was the stronger one of the twins? They were joined at the hip ever since birth and they've never left each other's side...so why is Hikaru pining away, waiting for Kaoru's attention?
Disclaimer: I do not own Ouran or any of its characters. They belong only to the great Bisco Hatori-sama (and BONES)...I would own Ouran if I were any of these people...but if I did, I wouldn't be writing fanfiction and instead I would be drawing manga with hot bishies in it ;)
Forbidden Anguish
By, Yue Guang Kuroneko
--
He's always noticed it—the closeness of their hips when he held onto him tightly, his breath washing over the younger twin's as he leaned forward just close enough for a kiss; yes, these actions drove their clients into a raging Renge-like moe state, but what no one knew was that it drove him crazy just feeling the other half of him being held tightly in his arms, his unique scent filling his senses like water washing over sand.
Hitachiin Hikaru has always understood his weakness: he was strong in appearance where his twin was weak, but when it came to who they really were—their acts stripped bare—he was the weakest when it came to his emotions and was unable to overcome the overwhelming flood of jealousy whenever his twin was talking to other people. It didn't matter who they were, whether they were their designators, or their classmates, or even Haruhi; he felt his insides burning white hot just at the mere thought of Kaoru being able to communicate with others without him—like he didn't need him anymore.
Those thoughts always annoyed him to the point of insanity. 'No, I'm not jealous' and 'Why doesn't Kaoru need me anymore?' were always just a few thoughts that rang through his head repeatedly at night as he lay awake next to his sleeping brother. For seconds, minutes, hours, days, and then finally weeks, he continued to suffer the fear of losing his brother to somebody else, to somebody other than himself. His grades were slowly suffering due to his lack of sleep, the lack of peace in his head, and his wandering mind that continued to put him through agony and endless anguish.
He was unsure when it was when he figured out his feelings for his submissive other self. All he knew was that he loved him in a way that was considered taboo and his twin would not be feeling the same. Perhaps he had always loved him, even in his mother's womb, or perhaps it was when they were children. However, it didn't matter because all that mattered was that he loved his twin. But it was prohibited.
His acts with Kaoru during Host Club hours were now nearly always half-hearted—and it wasn't as if he didn't enjoy holding his brother in a lover's embrace (it was quite the contrary) but because he knew that no matter how much love he was giving the same—but different—face, he knew deep down inside that empty crevice called his heart that his brother would never feel the same way.
Hikaru was always the one who understood Kaoru; his needs, his wants, his desires, his sins…they were all noted and kept secret in Hikaru's heart. He was the only one who could know this side of Kaoru and he wasn't about to let anyone else break that bond between them. However, he knew that even though he knew all of Kaoru, there was still something missing, something he had overlooked.
Kaoru was always the more mature one, the one with the watchful eye and that strong hold over his emotions. Hikaru always admired him for that and placed him on a pedestal above everyone else, but he also knew that Kaoru had a strong hold over his principles and incest was definitely one line that Kaoru was not going to cross. That line separated them and it killed Hikaru inside. He felt lonely, betrayed, but he knew that it wasn't Kaoru's fault. Kaoru was beautiful and radiant and he knew that Kaoru would die for him. However…
He and Kaoru had their differences—they were different in almost every way and it bothered him to the fullest extent. They were supposed to be the same, linked by body and soul and mind, shielded in a world that was their own with no visitors, no threats, nothing. But there was that crack in that beautiful world of theirs—since when was it there? Hikaru thought back on their days together, trying to find the fault in their relationship that caused them to be worlds apart even though they were stuck at the hip. Never in his life had he felt so far from Kaoru and it depressed him, it tortured him, until he could no longer eat or even stay in the same room as Kaoru for extended periods of time.
"Hikaru, is everything okay?" Kaoru would ask everyday, deepening worry adorning his beautiful amber eyes as the days passed by.
And everyday, he would always reply, "There's nothing wrong, Kaoru."
He was relieved; Kaoru is not suffering due to his own weakness and he was still living in an illusionary perfect world, breached only by Fujioka Haruhi, the gateway from their world to the world that was not their own.
Hikaru adored Haruhi—he really did. There was no lie in that. He loved Haruhi because she was a breath of fresh air. She lit up the dim world of the Hitachiin family and created a link into the outside world. But there were times when he wanted to hate her. He wanted to hate her for creating that damned breach in the first place because he and Kaoru were separating. They were drifting apart faster and farther until Hikaru feared that he would no longer see the person he loved even more than Haruhi.
"Damn it, Hikaru; are you even paying attention to me?" Kaoru's irritated voice snapped him out of his depressing thoughts.
"Eh?" He muttered, focusing his eyes on the stunning form of his brother.
"It's lunchtime…are you going to eat or not?" Kaoru crossed his toned arms across his equally toned chest—it was a shame that the layers of clothing were hiding the perfect abs underneath their blasted uniforms—and looked at him with question in his eyes.
In the background, Hikaru could see Tamaki pulling Haruhi out of the door joyfully, declaring to the world that she was going to eat lunch with him, not hearing the protests that left the cute cross-dresser's lips.
"Aa," He said, placing a hand on his desk to stand up. He began to walk out of their classroom doors. "Gomen, Kaoru."
"What's wrong with you?" Kaoru asked him, stopping him with a hand.
Hikaru glanced down at the hand at his arm; it looked familiar but since when did he not recognize his own twin's hand? It should have been the same as his own, but why did it look so foreign?
Panic seized his chest and he grabbed Kaoru's hand quickly, examining it hurriedly.
"H-Hikaru?" Kaoru's unsure voice did not register in his head.
Since when was there a scar on his thumb? Why did Kaoru's fingers seem longer than his own? Had there always been a small mole on the side of his wrist before? Why doesn't he remember these details? Were they already this far apart? Were they already this different, even without their acknowledgement!
"Hikaru!" Kaoru called out to him as he rushed out of the classroom, burning tears stinging his eyes like a thousand—no, a million—needles.
They were different. They were no longer in the same world. Kaoru had been tricked and led into the outside world, leaving him to suffer in the world that was created by their very hands—the hands that were supposed to look exactly like his own.
He put out his hands as he ran aimlessly, pushing past the students who were heading down to their preferred cafeteria.
Why? He thought to himself, panting deeply as he rushed up a flight of stairs. Why?
Was he missing something? Did he do something wrong to cause this rift between worlds? What was he supposed to do now? Would he have to be separated from his beloved Kaoru? He didn't want that! He didn't want to be away from him!
He ran up, higher and higher, until he could have sworn he was running up the flight of stairs that led straight to heaven. But he didn't want to go there. He didn't want to go there alone. He wanted Kaoru to be with him. If he went to heaven without Kaoru, then they would really be worlds apart. But something in him told him to keep running, to run from this torture of being separated from Kaoru.
Keep running, the voice told him. Keep running!
Hikaru followed the voice and he burst through the looming door in front of him only to find himself on the roof of Ouran, the sky darkening as clouds covered the brilliant sun.
I'm not in heaven, he thought to himself with slight relief and trivial regret. I'm not worlds away from Kaoru.
However, he knew those words were lies. They were already so far away from each other that it was impossible that Kaoru was still by his side. Whenever he reached out in the darkness in front of him, he couldn't feel Kaoru's soothing warmth, or the comforting, unique scent of cinnamon that Kaoru always carried around him. He was all alone in this darkness and there was no one else there. He didn't want anyone else there. He wanted Kaoru.
He stood in the middle of the roof, feeling lost and alone. Where should he go now? His world was dark, overshadowed with menacing dark clouds. There was no one to guild him. There was no light. He was alone.
He blinked as he felt liquid drops fall. Were they his tears? Or was it raining? He couldn't tell; he felt numb with loneliness. He wanted Kaoru's warm arms encircling his shivering figure. There was no one else on this earth that can bring light into his life except him. There was no one else.
"Damn, Hikaru," A breathless voice said from behind him. "Since when did you run so fast?"
Hikaru's eyes widened as he recognized that voice. That voice was familiar; yes—it was warm, soft, lulling, and gentle. That was the voice of the only person that could light up his darkened life.
"Stop standing out there in the rain, Hikaru—let's go back inside and talk, ne?"
Hikaru felt tears rise in his eyes and he let out a choking sob, falling to his knees.
"Hikaru?" Kaoru's voice was closer now. His voice was directly behind him. "I know something's been wrong, Hikaru—but won't you tell me what's wrong?"
Hikaru felt his brother's warm hand at his shoulder and he turned and threw himself into Kaoru's arms, burying his crying face into his twin's shoulder, hands clutching the warmth tightly, greedily. The impact of his embrace seemed to have surprised Kaoru and they both fell to the sodden concrete.
"Don't leave me," He choked, clutching at his brother even tighter as each word left his quivering lips. "Don't ever leave me alone, Kaoru!"
"What brought this up?" Kaoru gave a small laugh as he encircled those loving arms around his wet torso. "You know I would never leave you, Hikaru. You're not alone."
Hikaru was silent. He didn't want his brother to know about those perverted thoughts that pops into his head whenever he slipped into bed with him. He didn't want Kaoru to know that he wanted him in such a sinful way. Kaoru's world was bright now—his own darkness would only overshadow that brightness. He would only get in the way of his love's happiness. But he had to let him know! He had to let Kaoru know that he loves him or else he'll never get that chance!
"I love you, Kaoru," He murmured. Passion fired up in his chest. "I love you! And not in a brotherly way! Damn it, Kaoru! I LOVE YOU!"
Kaoru was silent and Hikaru could feel his twin's body stiffen at his confession. The rain that was pouring down was drenching that once warm body, cooling its warmth, and as every muscle in Kaoru's body stiffened, the warmth only disappeared even more. Hikaru shut his eyes tightly, feeling his tears fall onto Kaoru's soaked blazer. He was alone again, standing in the middle of perpetual darkness. There was no more hope for him.
Hikaru mustered all of his strength and pulled out of Kaoru's arms only to find that Kaoru had lunged at him again, his amber eyes filled with unreadable emotion. They fell back down onto the concrete and Hikaru landed on his back. However, the hard landing did not register pain to his body.
There was a pair of warm lips against his own—one that tasted different but felt familiar. His eyes widened as he realized that Kaoru was kissing him. He was kissing him deeply, passionately, and lovingly. This wasn't a brotherly kiss, or a reassuring one; this was a kiss that Hikaru thought he could only daydream about and lust after. This was the kiss of a lover.
Their breathing was irregular as Kaoru pulled away, his soaked hair dripping onto Hikaru's flushed face. Hikaru sat up and stared wide-eyed at the person who was his light, his guidance, his only love.
There was only silence besides the heavy pitter-pattering of the rain that hit them and their world. But Hikaru could no longer feel the chilling sensation of the rain or of his darkness. He was warm, warm for the first time in forever.
"I love you too, Hikaru," Kaoru said with a weak smile as the silence became heavy. His astonishing younger brother glanced at him with soft ocher eyes with sincerity and repeated himself, "I love you too."
"B—but…"
"I want you to stop and think about it, Hikaru," Kaoru said quietly. "We're different now, aren't we?" He didn't give Hikaru any room to reply. "We're different because we were meant to be. If we were the same, we wouldn't be able to love each other this way. We're different because we're meant to be in love with each other."
Hikaru could feel his world become brighter until the sun was shining through even the darkest clouds inside of himself. This sensation of being able to fly without wings was overpowering; the brightness of his world was overwhelming. The darkness was gone and he knew that it will never return because Kaoru's light was tremendous enough to chase it away and keep it away.
"I love you, Kaoru," He said again, leaning his wet forehead against Kaoru's, hand clutching Kaoru's tightly.
"I love you more, Hikaru," Kaoru whispered, a radiant smile gracing his even more radiant lips. "But know this, you troublesome brother: anguish is forbidden in our relationship."
Hikaru laughed as the rain stopped and the clouds slowly moved away. Kaoru's laughter rang along with his and it was the first time he could say that he was truly happy.
When they returned to class after the lunch bell rang, signaling the start of class, they ignored the mystified glances that were cast at their sodden figures. They entered the room to find Haruhi was already seated, placing away her most-likely empty bento.
"Did something good happen?" She asked, not giving them a single glance as they seated themselves next to her. "You two look awfully happy."
"We don't know what you're talking about; we're always happy." Hikaru heard Kaoru say along with him. Their eyes met each other and Kaoru gave him a knowing smile. "Anguish is forbidden, you know."
OWARI
Author's Note: Feedback is really appreciated. Constructive criticism is also appreciated. Mean flames are retaliated with my evil dust kitties and their water furballs...so don't try them. You'll regret it.
Thank you very much for reading!