I looked up from my dinner as Joan sat down across from me. "Hey."
"Thanks for last night," she said, unwrapped her plastic pre-packaged silverware.
"Thanks for what?" I asked.
"For what you said. It almost seemed easier today."
I shook my head. "I don't get it," I said, stuffing a shrimp of a meatball into my mouth.
"I don't know," she shrugged, "it's almost like I can almost convince myself, you know? I think...I think that I need to believe that I'm not crazy. Maybe I really was just...sick, you know? Like they all said? And as long as I can keep telling them that, I'll start to believe it myself."
"I guess," I answered.
"Judith, honey? Are you awake?"
I fixed my gaze on the ceiling. The tiny tiles seemed to go on forever in the small room, the only light the moonlight seeping through the window. I turned my head towards my mother; my only acknowledgment of her words. The effort to talk was just too much.
"Hi, sweetheart," she said, taking my hand.
My eyes were fogging over, and I found it hard to focus on her face. "Mommy?"
She was silent for a moment, before saying, "I don't get it, Judith. I just don't get it."
I struggled to bring my mind into sharper focus. "Huh?"
"I don't get what's going on with you. Your father and I, we used to know you so well. But lately, you've just become somebody else. And today...This was just...When they couldn't get you to wake up, it was the scariest moment of my life. I just don't understand."
"I was tired, Mom, in more ways than one I guess..." I let my voice trail off, leaving the unspoken words hanging in the air. "I...I'm afraid of things. I'm afraid of so many things. I'm afraid of moving on and living. I'm afraid of...I'm afraid of moving on and living. I don't know how to do this, Mom. I don't know how..." I wanted to cry so badly, I wanted so badly to just feel, but I couldn't let myself. I just couldn't allow it.
My mother shook her head. "I still don't get it."
I fix my eyes on the light switch on the wall behind my mother. It was time. "Mom...Ryan Hunter...raped me."
My mom let go of my hand and got up to pace along the other side of the room. She said nothing.
"Mom?"
"The doctors said that you had some kind of a mental breakdown. Is this part of that?"
"I...I'm not sure what you mean by that." I wasn't sure what reaction I had been looking for with my revelation, but this wasn't it.
"Judith..." she paused, taking in a deep breath. "Ryan Hunter is a practically a part of our family. You two have always been so close. I...don't know where this...is coming from."
My jaw tensed as my teeth ground together, and I whispered, "He...raped...me..."
"Judith,
I..."
I could see it in her eyes. "You don't believe me.
You think I'm a liar."
"I didn't say that, Judith, I...I
just, I don't know how to process this. I can't..."
"I am your daughter. If you can't believe me, mother, then leave."
She came back to the bed, and tried to take my hand again. I pushed her away.
"Leave," I said again.
My
mother turned and walked away, straight out the door.
To Be Continued