"So...Judith?"

"Yeah?"

Joan hesitated, her hand freezing over the duffel bag she was putting her stuff in. "You going to keep in touch?"

"After? We'll see."

"You saved me, you know."

I stayed silent.

"Taught me how it needs to be. This is how it needs to be. Right?"

I wrapped a strand of hair around my finger and yanked, pulling it out from the roots. "It has to be, I guess. It's what they want from us."

"I,"

"If you say it wasn't true," I interrupted, "if you say it never happened, then it goes away."

She sighed. "I have, like, twenty two lamps to carry home. Really wish I could have made something else, you know?"

"I guess."

"Judith?"

I was squeezed into the corner of the bed, next to yet another lamp that I had made. The man in the khakis was annoying me. He was too...professional. Too callous.

"Can you explain this whole thing to me...why you changed this story?"

'Because I can't do this with no one believing in me. There's nobody that believes in me. Because my whole entire life has blown up, and I just want this to be over. I just want to rebuild,' I thought. Out loud, I said, "I had so much crap in my head...I was afraid of losing things, I was afraid of being in a relationship, of losing that relationship...but he never did the things that I said he did."

"Where do you want to go from here, Judith?"

That part was easy. "I want to deal with loss. I don't...know how to pick up the pieces."

"Judith? You okay?"

I smiled. "Yeah, I will be. I've got to let it go."

I've got to let this go. I gritted my teeth. "Ryan Hunter was the love of my life. And then...I sensed this whole change in our relationship. I got afraid of him leaving, and I figured that if I made up this story, I could make him leave before he did it on purpose, you know?"

Dr. Dan nodded. "It makes sense. We've done enough work for today. You can go back to your room."

I walked slowly, the world around me in a haze. I took out my notebook and folded myself into the nearest chair, beginning to write.

To anyone who may read this:

Ryan Hunter is/was a friend of my family. One night he wanted more from me than friendship. I told him no, said it over and over. We were both drunk, and that was no excuse for his behavior, but we were both drunk, and...He raped me.

Now people want me to say that it never happened. I can't prove that it happened, I didn't say anything right away; I didn't tell anybody. It is easier to give up than to fight it, because fighting this system is harder than just riding along on it. So from tonight, this night, July whatever...It never happened.

I only write this for me, just so that somebody knows.

Because somebody needs to know.

There is something wrong with Ryan Hunter, and it goes deeper than anything I could ever understand.

I ripped out the piece of paper, folded it up several times, and stuck it into the back pocket of my notebook. I had to let it go.

I took out my notebook and scribbled down my address. "Might be nice to have a real friend, Joan, you know, if you ever wanna call." As I ripped the piece of paper out, a folded up piece of paper fell out of the back pocket into my lap.

I handed Joan my address, and she ripped off the bottom half of the page to write her own down.

I opened up the paper and started to read. "To anyone who may read this: Ryan Hunter..."

I shook my head and folded the paper back up. Joan had turned around to get something from underneath her bed, and I quickly stuck the paper into the side pocket of her bag. Someone needed to know the truth, and something told me that it might as well be Joan.

Joan pulled yet another lamp out from under the bed. "This is it, I guess."

"Yeah."

"When are you leaving?"

I closed my notebook and tossed it on to the pillow. "I guess it's in my grasp now, the whole 'reality' thing."

"That's cool...I'll call you sometime."

"That'd be great," I replied honestly.

Joan picked up her bag and slung it over one shoulder. "My mom and dad are outside waiting. I've gotta go." She took the couple steps across the room to hug me. I hugged her back-the first real hug I'd given in months. "I'll see you around, Judith."

I nodded. "See you, Joan."

As she walked out the door, I was sure she was walking out of my life. With that, I trusted her with the knowledge of reality, of my reality, like I would never trust anyone else. It was time to let it go, but even in the letting go...somebody had to know.

Ryan Hunter was evil. Ryan Hunter always would be evil. And even in the light context of telling in which I told...somebody had to know. I knew it way down deep inside of me, the darkest truth...that Ryan Hunter was going to blow the whole world apart.