DARE: Drugs Are Really Expensive

by JoeySharkbait

What happens when a certain little blue blob finds a bag filled with mysterious plant parts? Very funny things happen! You HAVE been warned! ***THIS IS TRASH; GONNA RE-WRITE*** And take this old thing down once the re-write is published. Thank you to everyone who read and supported my preteen nonsense on this site back in the day 3.

D.A.R.E: Drugs Are Really Expensive

Author's Note: I am taking a break from all these "serious" fanfics I've been writing. This idea popped into my head (I have no idea why, so do not ask!). This dumb story is the end result of listening to Korn, Maroon 5, Linkin Park and watching some stupid movie with pot in it, all between midnight and 2:00 in the fucking morning. Enjoy! Feedback appreciated. This is my first humorous Foster's fic.

Warnings: Language, Drugs (lots and lots of pot!), Alcohol, Underage drinking & driving.

Disclaimer: I do not own Foster's. I will not give Bloo any more weed. I will not let Madame Foster leave out any more alcohol where Mac & Bloo can get it. I will not spike Herriman's carrot juice with vodka.

It was a very normal day at Foster's Home For Imaginary Friends. Blooregard "Bloo" Q. Kazoo was walking up the driveway to get the mail for Frankie. Bloo was so excited. Mac was going to stay overnight at Foster's! Bloo had no idea why Mac's mom decided to let him, but Bloo didn't care! Tonight would be hella good!

As Bloo walked up the driveway, a car drove by, really fast. They stopped at the end of the driveway and threw a bag out the window. "What the heck?" Bloo asked himself.

Bloo walked over to the bag and picked it up. It smelled weird. Really weird. "Eeew!" said Bloo, covering his mouth, about to hurl. "What the hell is in this bag?" The little blue blob swung the mysterious bag over his shoulders and checked the mail box. Bills, letter for Coco, Wilt's sports illustrated magazine, nothing unusual. Bloo went down the driveway and into the old Victorian mansion.

"Frankie!" he yelled. "I got the mail!" Bloo was so tempted to look in the bag, even if it did smell odd.

Frankie came into the room and grabbed the mail from Bloo. "Thanks, Bloo!" she said. "What's in the bag?"

"I don't know!" Bloo said, "But I'm gonna find out!"

"Where did you get it?" asked Frankie.

"Some bozo threw it in the driveway," was Bloo's casual answer.

Frankie got a suspicious look on her face. "Bloo! There could be anthrax or bombs in that bag!"

"I know! Isn't it AWESOME?" asked Bloo, with a big stupid grin on his face. He then ran off upstairs to his room and jumped onto his bunk. "I bet this IS some cool weapon, or money, or something really awesome!" Bloo said with a smile as he opened the bag and looked inside. It was dark, so Bloo emptied the contents onto his bed. Apparently, the bag had been full of some sort of green, five-leafed plant, complete with buds of varying sizes that looked like little green pine cones but fuzzy. "This sucks monkey balls!" Bloo said. "It's just some stupid plant crap!"

Bloo put the mystery plant bits back into the bag, zipped it up, and headed out the door. "Stupid, worthless plant!" Bloo muttered. He went into the kitchen and threw the bag in the trash.

"Hey, Bloo!" said Wilt, who was sitting at the counter on a barstool. "What was in that bag?"

"Just some stupid plant, that's all." Bloo said dryly, looking in the fridge for a snack.

Wilt got up and went over to the trash can. He pulled the bag out, and looked inside it. "Oh my gosh!" said Wilt, shocked. "This is not okay!"

"Why?" Bloo asked, stuffing his face full of chocolate syrup.

"Bloo," said Wilt quietly, "do you know what this is?"

"Yeah, some lame-ass plant," said Bloo.

"It's not just a plant," said the tall friend, "it's marijuana. It's illegal."

"What do you do with it?" asked Bloo. Illegal. He liked that.

"People smoke the marijuana buds and get high. Then they go out and do stupid stuff. Or, uh, at least that's what I've heard. Pretty much, marijuana isn't good for you. We should get rid of this! Quick!" Wilt explained.

"Get rid of what?" asked Frankie as she came in the room with Eduardo and Coco.

"Nothing!" lied Bloo, jumping up and down to try and get the bag away from Wilt, to no avail.

"Well, Frankie," started Wilt, "That bag is full of wee-"

"WHEELS!" screamed Bloo.

"Coco?" asked Coco. She was not buying this.

"Yes, it's full of wheels. I found them in the driveway. And they're all mine!" Bloo gave Wilt an evil look. "Right, Wilt?"

Wilt looked at Bloo, with annoyance. "No it's not! Why would anyone have a bag of wheels anyway?"

Bloo jumped up and grabbed the bag when Wilt wasn't paying any attention. "Ha!" he said with victory. "I got it!" He closed his eyes and walked away with a satisfied look on his face. "Well, well, well. Victory thy name is Bloo." Then he tripped over Coco's outstretched leg. "What the hell?" Bloo fell on the floor and dropped the bag, spilling it's contents on the kitchen floor.

"BLOOREGARD Q. KAZOO!" Frankie screamed. "THAT IS POT!" Frankie kneeled down and tried to scoop the plant matter back into the bag. "My ass is toast if Herriman finds this!"

"But it's my pot!" Bloo said in a whiny voice. "Give it back!"

"Bloo!" said Eduardo. "Why do you have marijuana? It is muy bad for you!"

"So?" asked Bloo, crossing his arms.

Frankie had managed to get the weed back into the bag. "Quick! Wilt! Take this outside and throw it away!" Bloo made a step towards the back door. "Bloo! Your ass is staying in here with me and helping me get the pot smell out of the kitchen!"

"Man, this bites!" Bloo said.

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About an hour later, after getting the smell out of the kitchen, Bloo snuck outside. Bloo would get his pot back. Even if it was the last thing he ever did. Bloo looked around the backyard for the dumpster. There! The blue blob jumped into the dumpster and dug through the trash. He found it! "Yes!" Bloo said as he jumped out of the trash, only to become face to face with...

Cheese.

"I like chocolate milk!" Cheese said, happily. "What does you have in the bag?"

"Cheese," said Bloo. "Go fuck a tree!"

"No!" said Cheese, grabbing the bag of weed. "Mine!"

"Cheese, you dumbass! Give it back!" said Bloo, grabbing the bag and trying to get it out of Cheese's grasp.

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

Then the bag ripped. And the pot went all over the ground. "Dammit, Cheese!" said Bloo. "Look what you've done now!"

Cheese held up a piece of paper and a lighter. "I'm a lady!" Cheese smiled at Bloo and hugged him. "Now we're BROTHER ladies!"

"Cheese!" said Bloo, looking at the lighter and paper as if they were carved gods or something. "You are a genius!" Bloo grabbed the lighter and paper from Cheese and turned to the dank pile. "Okay," Bloo said, "Let's see." He ripped the piece of paper in half and put some marijuana on one of the halves. Then he rolled the paper up and licked some of it to seal it shut. The imaginary friend flicked the lighter on and lit the end of the paper. Then he stuck the other, non-lit end into his mouth.

"Eeeew!" said Bloo. "This tastes almost as bad as 'it'!" Bloo spit in disgust. Then Cheese stole the joint from him.

"Mine! Ha ha!" Cheese took a puff of it and all of a sudden his pupils got really small, and he sat on the ground, quietly. This was very un-Cheese-like.

Bloo's eyes widened in wonder. "Cheese?" he asked. "Cheese, buddy? You okay?" He poked Cheese in the forehead.

Cheese blew a cloud of smoke in the air and started laughing. "Weed tastes funny!" Cheese was high. In fact, he was so high, he was probably up there with the stars. Cheese was high as a motherfucking kite.

Bloo grabbed the joint back and took a long drag on it. "OoOoooOhhhhh," Bloo moaned. He felt dizzy and light-headed and... GREAT! Bloo felt great! "Hell yeah!" he said. "Here, Cheese!" Bloo gave the joint back to Cheese. "Have another hit!"

"'Kay," said Cheese. He took another hit and started laughing. For about ten minutes, Bloo and Cheese passed the joint back and forth, until Eduardo came out, with Coco and Wilt.

"Bloo!" said Eduardo, seeing the pile of Mary Jane and Bloo and Cheese sitting on the ground leaning against one-another's back. "Didn't Seniorita Frankie tell you not to mess with marijuana?"

"Have a hit, dude!" said Bloo. "Marijuana is AWESOME!" He threw the roach of his and Cheese's shared joint over his shoulder and rolled up another. Bloo threw it to Eduardo.

"No! Azure! It is bad!" Eduardo protested.

"Big Baby!" Bloo said, still stoned as hell. "You can do ANYTHING when you're high!"

Eduardo glanced down at the joint by his feet, then at Wilt, then Coco, and finally Bloo & Cheese. "I don't know."

"COCO!" Coco said proudly and put the joint in her mouth.

"Coco!" said Wilt. "Of all the things that is not okay, that is really not okay!" He hit her in the back of the head, causing her to spit out the joint. "Spit that out!"

It was too late. Coco was high as a motherfucker. She smoked the whole joint in one roast. "Cooooocooooo!" she said and slumped on the ground next to Bloo and Cheese.

Eduardo's face lit up. "Si! If marijuana didn't hurt Seniorita Coco, I'll try it, too!" the purple beast picked up the joint and put it in his mouth. Within seconds, he was blitzed out of his gourd. Ed laughed maniacally and thrust the rolled up weed into Wilt's hand. "Bloo is right! It makes you feel good!"

"Well," Wilt said, looking at the joint, "I don't like it, but you guys are still okay, so what harm can it do?" Wilt took a long drag, then fell backwards, squishing Cheese, Bloo, Coco, and Eduardo. "Sorry, guys!" he said. "Wow. I... I.. don't feel too good. Hey look! Pretty colors! Everything is so vivid now!" The five imaginary friends continued taking turns rolling up joints and passing them around in a circle. They did that for a while.

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Mac knocked on the giant front door, happy that he would get to spend a whole night with his best friend. Frankie answered the door. "Hey, Mac!" she said. "You here to sleepover with Bloo?"

"Yeah!" said the eight-year old, happily. "I've been waiting for this since forever!"

"Come in!" Frankie said, stepping out of the way and letting Mac into the house. "I don't know where Bloo is, so you'll have to look for him. Come to think of it," said Frankie, rubbing the back of her neck nervously, "I haven't seen Coco, Wilt, Ed or Cheese in a while either."

"I'm thirsty," said Mac, "Can I have something to drink?"

"Sure!" said the redhead. Frankie led Mac into the kitchen and got a cup out of a cabinet. There was a bottle on the counter. Frankie picked it up, without even glancing at the label. It was still cold. Frankie poured the drink into a cup and handed it to Mac.

Mac took a sip of the drink. "This tastes weird!" He said. "What is it? It tastes weird in a good way!"

"I have no clue," Frankie took the cup from Mac and took a large gulp of the drink. "Hey! This does taste pretty damned good!" She finished the whole cup, then looked at Mac. "I'm sorry! Here!" She poured him another cup, then looked at the bottle. What the hell? Frankie gave Mac the whole bottle. "Here! You need it more than me!"

"Thanks!" said Mac. He chugged the mystery drink. A few seconds later, he felt weird. Like he was really happy or something. "Frankie," said Mac, "I think there's something in this drink."

Frankie gave him a stupid look and said, "Me too." Her vision was blurred and it seemed like everything was in slow motion. "Hey, Mac, let me see that bottle." Frankie took the bottle from Mac and read the label. "OH SHIT!" Frankie screamed in horror. "Mac! I just gave you Fireball WHISKEY!"

Mac staggered around and fell against Frankie's legs. "Heehee," said Mac, "I feel GOOD! How 'bout you?" The drunken child looked up at Frankie with the dumbest look on his face.

The alcohol started to take it's effect on the caretaker. She wasn't much of a drinker. Frankie felt light-headed and very, very drunk all of a sudden. "Hey, Mac!" she slurred, picking him up and putting him under her arm like a book. "Let's go outside! Maybe Bloo's out there!" Then Frankie ran out the back door with Mac.

She ran across the yard in a zigzagged sort and eventually tripped, dropping Mac on his head. "Sorry, Matt," she said drunkenly. Frankie still had the bottle of whiskey in one hand. "This drink sure did taste good!"

Mac nodded in agreement. He got up and walked towards a group of imaginary friends. "Hey-" hiccup "guys! Sup?" He ran over to Bloo and tripped over him and landed on Cheese.

"Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii Mac!" Cheese said, blowing smoke in Mac's face.

Mac's expression changed from 'happy drunkard' to disgust. "That smells like crap! Cheese, what'd ya eat?"

"Here, Mac!" said Cheese, giving Mac a joint. "Take a whiff!"

"No, Cheese!" Mac said, drunkenly, "I'm not hungry!"

"It' not food, man," said Wilt, also blowing smoke, "it's weeeeeeeeeeeeeed."

Then Frankie finally made it over to the group. She tripped over Coco and dropped the bottle of whiskey on the ground. "Oops!" Frankie giggled. "Clumsy me! Damn, I'm such a ditz!"

"Cool!" said Bloo, grabbing the bottle, "I need a drink! Thanks Frankie!" He chugged the rest of the whiskey down (which was half the bottle). "This is some whack shit!"

"Thebestdrink I had ebber had," Mac said, leaning against Bloo.

"It tastes gooooooood," said Bloo.

Frankie sat down next to Coco and asked, "How're you? I'm good! What is these?" Frankie pointed to the many joints sticking out of Coco's beak.

"Co...coco...co," Coco said, her eyes rolling back in her head. Then she fell over.

"Thanks, Cokie!" said the drunken caretaker, grabbing a joint out of Coco's beak and taking a long drag. "This tastes like ASS."

"There you guys are!" said a voice behind the group. "I've been looking everywhere!" It was Goo.

"Hi, Goo," said Mac, laying in the grass and waving his arms and legs around like he was making a snow angel. "Wanna smoke?"

"Are you guys smoking weed?" asked Goo, taking a joint from Eduardo and inspecting it. "You guys shouldn't do that!"

"So?" asked Bloo. "It's my pot and I'm deciding to share it. Once in a lifetime offer, toots." Bloo fell backwards.

"Hi Goo!" said Cheese, opening Goo's mouth and shoving about four joints into her mouth. "Pot is FUN!" Cheese stuck his tongue out and smiled.

Goo took a deep breath as soon as Cheese put the joints in her mouth. Perfect timing. Within seconds, Goo Goo Ga Ga was high as a motherfucker. Goo sat in the circle between Eduardo and Frankie. "Whoa," Goo smiled, three of the smokes falling out of her mouth. "This is so coooooooooool!"

"Ya know what'd be reallllllllllllyyyyyyyy cool?" asked Bloo, getting up and putting a hand on Goo's shoulder. "If we went for a drive! Hollywood, baby!"

Frankie put her hand in her pocket and then held up the keys to the Foster's bus. "I'vegotthe keysrigh' here!" she slurred, grinning.

Bloo grabbed the keys from her and said, "Sweet!"

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"COCO!" screamed Coco, meaning look out for that old lady (which was really a police car)

"I'm tryin'-" hiccup-"Coco," Mac said, turning the steering wheel all the way around.

Mac was steering, Bloo was working the pedals, Eduardo and Cheese were in the back of the bus rolling more joints; Frankie and Goo were playing Goo's version of Checkers; and Coco was wandering around aimlessly, bumping into everything and occasionally warning Mac and Bloo of "old ladies" in the road.

"Now YOU'RE THE WILDEBEAST!" Goo screeched, smacking Frankie in the face. Goo ran around in circles, occasionally tripping, just to get back up and start laughing. Frankie was so drunk, she fell on her face at least five times trying to catch Goo.

"CO!" Coco screamed at the top of her voice.

"Brakes!" Mac yelled at Bloo.

"Okay!" Bloo stomped on the gas pedal. Soon the bus was going up to... ten miles per hour. Bloo just thought that he 'stomped' on the gas pedal. The weed made him think he was going insanely fast. "Whoa! We're flyin'!"

"Coco co coco co!" Coco pushed Mac and Bloo away from the driver's seat and took the wheel herself. She actually did stomp on the gas pedal. The bus was soon up to 50 mph, then eighty, then one-hundred...

Eduardo looked out the back window and said with a laugh, "Lookie! It's some pretty lights!"

"Prettylightsprettylights!" said Cheese, then going into a coughing fit.

Goo ran smack into the back window and screamed, "Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii Cops! Nice night for a drive, huh piggies?" Goo laughed maniacally, then opened a window and dumped the weed out the window.

Cheese started crying. "Mine!" he shrieked and climbed out he window. Cheese landed on the hood of the police car. "Hi!" he said. The cops gave the moronic friend a confused and angry look. "I'm a lady! Pretty Cheese!" Cheese licked the windshield and said with all the negative brain cells he could muster, "Windshield tastes funny!" He completely forgot about the precious weed.

"Oopsies!" Goo said.

"Goo! You fucking dumbass!" said Bloo as he pushed her out of the way and looked out the window. "Great," the blob said sarcastically, and drunkenly at the same time, "now the fuzz has our pot of gold! Get it? Pot of gold! We smoked pot! And it's ours! And it's precious!" Bloo laughed maniacally.

Coco left the wheel and went to the back of the bus. She saw the cops and stuck out her tongue. Then she turned around and attempted to "moon" the police. Cheese was still on the windshield.

"Who's driving?" asked Mac as he also went to the back of the bus. He saw Coco rubbing her ass against the window and dropped his drawers and did the same. "I hate cops! All cops are bastards, woooo!" cried the drunk child. "Cops smell like doodoo!"

Frankie got up off of the floor and yelled to the others, "I wanna drive!" Frankie took the wheel and then floored the gas pedal. "Weeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" Frankie screamed. "I've never felt so ALIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVVVVVVVVVVVVVE!"

Wilt looked out the window with a tear in his eye. "My... pot..." The tall friend shook his head. This was not okay. Wilt's mind was clearing up a bit. Wilt looked around, dazedly. They were all on the Foster's bus... and Mac was MOONING some police officers! "Oh God!" Wilt ran over to Mac and picked him up. He waved to the cops and mouthed "I'm sorry!" Then he kicked Coco out of the way.

"Me no like piggies!" said Mac, wriggling out of Wilt's grip. He landed on the floor. Mac got a sincere look on his face and said, in a dead serious whisper, "Pigs... Evil Pigs..." Mac's eye twitched and he got up and ran around in circles. "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKK! The piggies tried to kill Cheese!" Cheese wasn't dead, in fact, he was still on the windshield of the police car.

Wilt directed his attention from Mac to Frankie. She was also piss drunk. And she was driving. Wait... That wasn't good! Wilt walked to the front of the bus and said, "Frankie, maybe I should drive for a while."

Frankie turned around to face him with a crazed look on her face. "Floor it?" she asked.

"No!" Wilt said, waving his one hand in the air. "No! Nonononononono!"

"OKAY!" Frankie screamed and stepped on the gas pedal. The bus went up to one-hundred-ten mph, then it hit a wall. Goo, Bloo, and Mac flew into the windshield, Frankie got knocked out by the airbag, Wilt fell backwards and squished Eduardo, and Coco flew out the back window and smashed through the police car's windshield.

"Coco!" she said and smiled at the police officers she was currently sitting between.

Cheese popped out of the glovebox and screamed at the top of his voice, "DOITAGAINDOITAGAINDOITAGAIN!" He smiled at the officers. "Cheese LIKE car chase! And weed! And drinking!"

Wilt came out of the bus carrying Mac and Goo by the backs of their shirts with his one hand, and Frankie over his shoulder. "Sorry! So sorry! Sorry sorry sorry!" Wilt said. "This is SO not okay!" Wilt saw the police officers standing outside their car with Coco handcuffed and Cheese in a straight jacket.

"Hello, ocifer!" Frankie mumbled. "Oops! I mean hi piggies! No that's not right either!" She scratched her head. "I feel like shit!"

"Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii officer!" said Goo. "We just had like the coolest trip ever! First, Bloo found some weed and we all, like, smoked it, and got high, and then Frankie and Mac came and gave us all some beer or whiskey or something! Maybe it was Coors or Jack Daniels! My daddy drinks wine on his anniversary with my mommy! They never got drunk! Not once! Ever! Especially not like Mac and Frankie! They are soooo piss drunk! Oh my God! Is that Cheese! Cool! He's in a straight jacket! And Coco is handcuffed! Why? They aren't bad people! Well, Cheese is pretty dumb and Coco is pretty insane! Oh well! Hey, can I go home now?" Goo said all of this in one breath, which was shocking considering that she was drunk and high this time.

Eduardo stumbled out of the bus, holding Bloo. "I am mucho sorry, Senior Officers," he said. "But Blooregard found some marijuana and we all smoked it! Funny story isn't it?" Eduardo laughed, along with Bloo.

"Ed," said Wilt, "you're not helping. And how do we explain this to Madame Foster?"

Frankie, all of a sudden, along with Mac and everyone else was alert. "WHAT?" she asked.

"Madame Foster." Wilt said. "How do we explain this to her?"

"OH SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!" Frankie screamed and fell off of Wilt's shoulder. "I'mdeadI'mdeadI'mdead!"

"So," said an officer, "who was driving?"

"Frankie, Coco, Mac and Bloo!" Goo said. "Well, first it was Mac and Bloo! Mac was steering and Bloo was messing with the pedals! Then Coco drived the bus! Wait, she's a bird thing! Birdies can't drive! Well, anyways, then Frankie was driving and Wilt tried to stop her! Then she floored it! It was so cool! It was like we were in that one movie with the cars and Japan! The Fast and the Furious Tokyo Drift! That movie was so cool! Frankie was all, like, driving at like a million miles an hour and then we hit the wall! Then I hit the windshield! Man, I had a ball tonight!" Then the hyperactive girl fell over, passed out.

"We should drink more often!" Bloo said, he rubbed his painful backside. "Ow! My ass!"

The two officers gave the imaginary friends and the humans very angry looks. "We have a place for people like you," said one of them.

"Tokyo?" asked Bloo.

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"Drug rehab!" said an officer, slamming the cell door shut on the large, drunken group.

They were all wearing orange suits with numbers on them. By now, they were all sober and had bad hangovers. Mac looked at Bloo, hatefully. "Never again!" he said, holding an ice pack on his head.

"DoitagainDoitagainDoitagain!" Cheese chanted from the corner, still in his straight jacket.

"I'm so fucking dead." Frankie said.

"Coco!" Coco squawked. She meant, "Here comes Madame Foster and Mr. Herriman!"

The petty criminals turned to look at Madame Foster and Mr. Herriman, who just arrived outside the cell. "Miss Frances!" said Herriman. "How could you? You gave Master Mac whiskey?"

"Hey, fuzz-ass," said Frankie, "I didn't know it was whiskey!"

"It was good!" said Bloo.

"Not helping!" Mac said, angrily.

"Well, dearies," said Madame Foster, "there's the matter of all of the drug rehab. The marijuana. The underage drinking. Master Mac and Coco mooning the cops. And my bus."

"We're sorry, Madame Foster!" said Wilt, on the brink of tears. "I tried to stop them honestly! But I was overcome by the weed, too!"

"It was mine!" said Bloo, crossing his arms and giving Wilt an annoyed look. "I found it!"

"You lot better be glad I'm filthy stinkin' rich!" said Madame Foster. "I bailed everyone out!"

"Why?" asked Mac. "We deserve to be in here."

"No you don't," said the old woman, smiling. "You all just learned an important lesson!"

"We did?" asked Goo.

"Yes," said Madame Foster. "Drugs Are Really Expensive!" Then she went into a fit of laughter. "Now come on, let's get you all out of here!"

The End

Author's Note: It was dumb. I know. But it was funny! Did you like it? Review Please! Should I write more or not? -CP