Black Day
Summary: We feared him because he had no fear, or so it seemed. If only we had known. / What does Kakashi's Black Day mean to himself and his friends? What's the reason behind it and why does he change so much?
Genre: Angst
Rating: T
Author's Notes: It's the fourth chapter! Only two more to do…both of which are not so repressive in their dialogue/timeframe because those two characters aren't as involved so I can add flashbacks and other stuff and not have to follow this god damn strict script that these last chapters have followed. /sighs with relief/
Also, I now have a beta but I've gotten impatient (yah I know, I have no patience, so shoot me) so when she finishes beta'ing this chapter I'll update it. But for now this is what you get. Btw, it's the longest chapter so far too, which kind of surprised me but oh well. /shrugs/
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.
Please R&R…Thanks!
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"Asuma," I say, not knowing how I was going to explain to him what I was feeling. It's hard when you can't figure it out yourself.
"Yes Kurenai?" Asuma asks; freezing his hand in mid air. Effectively stopping his attempt to knock on Kakashi's door.
"I think you should put out your cigarette," I advise, not really knowing why I had such an uneasy feeling about this. After all, it's just Kakashi.
I don't particularly know Kakashi; at least, not as much as Asuma or Gai. Sure, we've gone on missions before and I've seen him at his weakest and most vulnerable before. But was it really is weakest? I've never known but I've always had a feeling it wasn't. And right now I feel uneasy, but not uneasy. It's hard to figure out. It feels like the day, all those years ago, when I watched Kakashi literally break from the inside out from the pressures of ANBU. I have that exact same feeling of unease but also calmness; fear but acceptance. Like I know what's going to happen and I know I can't stop it.
Except I have no idea what's going to happen, and I don't know if I can accept it or stop it, or if I should even try to stop it.
Asuma lowers his arm, looks at me quizzically, and responds with, "And why would I do that?"
"Because Kakashi doesn't like the smell of cigarettes, you know that," I respond, unsuccessfully trying to hide the nervousness in my voice.
"And since when do I care about Kakashi's smell preferences?" Asuma argues.
"Asuma," I sigh, "Did you forget what day it is? Did you forget why we're here in the first place? I want to get Kakashi and leave and not die in the process. Our chances of not dieing are much better if we don't piss Kakashi off, and smoking will piss him off."
Would Kakashi really try and kill us? Somehow I can't see him doing that, no matter what day it is, no matter how broken he is. But yet I can't shake this foreboding feeling. Is it justified? Should I really be worried about my life? Is anyone else here worried about their lives? Does anyone else believe that they might die today?
Often I think I'm going to drive myself crazy with all these questions I always ask myself. Questions I know I'll never find the answer too, no matter how hard I try.
"I have to agree with her," Shikaku speaks up from his position leaning on the railing.
I mentally sigh. At least I'm not the only one worried. That must be a sign that I haven't completely lost my sanity.
"And why do you even care? You're not even going in his apartment, you're completely out of danger you know," Asuma snaps.
"Just because I'm here for back-up doesn't mean I'm not potentially going to get killed. This isn't Kakashi we're facing today its psychotic Kakashi. But you already know that since you saw what he did to Iruka a few years ago. I for one want to take all measures possible to avoid myself ending up like Iruka, and you getting rid of your cigarette is one of those vital measures," Shikaku continues on. His words say he's worried but his tone of voice say he's completely calm. His actions are contradicting himself.
I don't like contradictions. They make this already confusing world even more confusing.
"Fine," Asuma agrees, though somewhat bitterly. I watch as he grabs the cigarette out of his mouth and drops it on the floor, putting it out with the heel of his shoe.
"Everybody ready?" he asks and the three of us nod.
I take a deep breath, trying to prepare myself for whatever I will see on the other side of the door. I'm trying to convince myself that no matter what it is it can't be any worse then that day Kakashi quit ANBU. I'm trying but I'm failing miserable. My instincts are screaming at me, telling me not to go in there. Yelling at me that I'll only regret it: that whatever is on the other side of the door is going to haunt me for a long time.
Asuma knocks. No response. He knocks louder. Still no response.
"Kakashi!" Asuma calls out. It's not like Kakashi's not in there, we can feel his presence; we can feel his chakra. He's not even trying to hide himself, not even trying to pretend his not home.
Maybe he's not trying to hide from us because he doesn't notice we're here. Maybe what ever he's doing in there is destroying him so much that he can't even notice the presence of four Jounins at his door. I mentally chase away my thoughts, trying to focus on the present. Trying to pretend this isn't Kakashi.
It's always easier if it's not someone you know, if it's just a stranger.
"Kakashi!" Asuma calls out louder.
"Kakashi!" I yell, knocking on the door myself.
My unease is growing and yet I'm getting calmer. It doesn't make sense. Not that that's not normal; my emotions often don't make sense. Sometimes I wonder if all this killing, all these missions and this shinobi life, has fucked up my emotions and made them out of synch with my mind. It's possible, I've heard of it happening before. Never seen it personally but I've heard of it happening to former shinobi. It's an odd feeling, not be able to trust your own emotions.
I hear Shikaku sigh behind us and I turn around at the same time as Asuma.
"What?" Asuma exclaims, rather angrily.
"Why don't you just go in?" Shikaku says; sounding bored out of his mind.
Asuma and I turn back around. He looks pissed but he just nods at me and I reach out and turn the doorknob. I push on the door and it actually opens, I didn't think it would open. I thought Kakashi would be one of those people that was paranoid and always kept their door locked.
Asuma walks in ahead of me and I follow closely behind, Gai follows me. Shikaku stays outside, stays as the back-up. He's there incase Kakashi really goes psycho and tries to escape.
After a couple steps Asuma stops walking and I almost run right into him, Gai is also forced to halt. I don't know why Asuma stopped; I can barely make anything out in this dark apartment. Does Kakashi turn any lights on in here?
I've never been in Kakashi's apartment; I don't think many people have. He's an insanely private person, and I mean insanely private. He doesn't tell anyone anything about himself, everything we know is practically from rumours from people who've overhead conversations from the Hokage. And all those rumours are from years ago, back when Kakashi was a kid, back when the Fourth Hokage was still alive.
Those are some old rumours. Yet that's all we have to go on, that's all we know of Kakashi. But so many people still blindly trust him with no information about him. It's odd. He's the biggest asshole, one of the most cold-hearted people in all of Konoha, and still nearly everyone trusts him. And still Konoha will mourn for many days once he dies. It doesn't make sense really. But then again, anything involving Kakashi doesn't really make sense.
After all, how can you trust someone who you don't even see? I've never seen Kakashi's face, few people have; very few.
My eyes finally adjust to the dim light and I'm just…shocked, frozen. The uneasy feeling grows and my calmness is gone. Panic. That's all I can think right now. This is not right; this is not what I'm supposed to see. I don't know Kakashi well enough to be allowed to see this.
Whether this is worse than the day Kakashi quit ANBU, well, I don't know. It sure is close. Very close. But this is different; this isn't cracking under the pressure of a few years this is cracking under the memories of a lifetime.
I stand, frozen in shocked silence. This is Hatake Kakashi, son of Hatake Sakumo, child prodigy, Copy Ninja Kakashi, cold hearted killer, standing in his bathroom. Standing there just staring at his own reflection, staring with so much hatred and disgust: staring at himself. His left hand's gripping the edge of his sink far too tightly to be physically healthy. His right arm hangs loose by his side but he's clutching a kunai so forcefully that it's cutting far into is skin. I watch the blood slowly drip from his closed fist and on to the tile floor.
And the one thing I know I will remember for years to come is not the blood, or his cold eyes, or the way the sun shown through his window and cast odd shadows across his face, but the fact that his mask is not on. Hatake Kakashi's mask is pushed down and crumpled around his neck. His face bare to the world, the face he's hid for so long for reasons unknown to everyone.
His resemblance to his father is disturbing. Is that why he hides his face? Just because he looks like an exact replica of his father? Does he hate his father that much? Does he feel that disgraced by his father that he doesn't want anyone to know who he his? It's a hard idea for me to grasp, a hard idea for me to wrap my head around. I know what his father did, everyone does, it's not exactly a secret in Konoha. It's also never spoken about in the open; it's always whispered in the dark corners of rooms and in the cover of bars. It doesn't make sense really, everyone knows the story, everyone's heard the rumours, and everyone most certainly knows when people are so 'cleverly' talking about it.
I was seven when 'the incident' happened, when Kakashi's father ended his life. Kakashi was only eight, only a year older than me. I wonder how hard it was to grow up with no father, no mother, and feared by all the children? Is that the right word, 'fear'? I don't know, I guess that's how we felt towards him when we were younger. We never saw Kakashi, we just saw the six year old who was not afraid to kill, the child prodigy who was all to willing to die for Konoha. We feared him because he had no fear, or so it seemed.
If only we had known.
I guess the way we treated him when we were all kids is one of the main reasons why he's turned out like this. To this day I'm still amazed that he is willing to forgive and forget, willing to put our hurtful words and scarring glares behind him and to move on. We pretty much destroyed Kakashi's childhood, or whatever chance of a childhood he had. We all know now that he had never willingly chosen the life of a shinobi but that it had been forced upon him. And when his dad died, when he finally had a choice, it was too late for him. He didn't know any other way of life; he didn't have any other purpose. He still doesn't, not really anyways. Everything he does is simply as a shinobi, simply because he's been ordered to. I'm sure he still finds happiness in some of his missions, some of his assignments. In fact, getting assigned a Genin team that actually passed his test is probably the best thing that has happened to Kakashi in many, many years. He's the happiness I've seen him in a long time.
But not today.
I take a couple deep breaths and try to focus my attention on Kakashi, try to calm myself down.
Panic.
It keeps screaming in my head, this one single word that won't go away. It's all I can feel, all I can think, all that I know. There's nothing else right now, this isn't a good situation. This is bad, very bad. It's only going to get worse, I know that.
A loud crash distracts me and I push away my thoughts, attempting to focus on what's happening now. I stare at Kakashi; it was him who made the crashing noise. His right fist, kunai still grasped tightly, is frozen in a fist against the wall. His mirror broken, shattered, pieces had fallen into the sink and on the floor. Blood drips slowly from his fist, dripping on to the sink and snaking its way down, collecting in small pools on the floor.
I take a couple steps forward. I can't control what my body is doing. This is the end, either Kakashi is going to die or one of us is.
I shake my head. Why am I being so negative? What's wrong with me? Is Kakashi's depression affecting me too? I don't know but I do know I can't let myself get negative. I have to stay positive if I want this to end positive.
"Kakashi?" Asuma whispers beside me, trying to get our friend's attention but it doesn't seem to be working.
We stand in silence. I take the opportunity to study my surrounds, to see if there's anything in this apartment that could potentially be a danger.
What I see isn't dangerous but simply disturbing. There are sake bottles everywhere, empty sake bottles; evidence of a severe alcohol binge. Spots of blood stain the carpet, surrounded by broken dishes and shattered glasses. Clothes are just strewn about and the furniture is broken and completely displaced. Kunais and shurikens are imbedded all over the walls, tons of them, more than I care to count at this moment. Each one created cracks that twist and intertwine with each other.
But even all of that isn't the most disturbing part. No, the most disturbing part is by far the empty syringes and the faint smell of marijuana lingering in the air. In all my years of knowing Kakashi I had never thought him a drug user. Sure, he was a slightly above-average alcohol consumer, sometimes bordering on alcoholism, but never a drug user. That's banned as a shinobi, especially a Jounin. It's grounds for an immediate and permanent ban.
But what do I do now? I'm required to report him but if I do his shinobi life is over and if his shinobi life his over then that's practically his whole life. He'd most likely follow his father's path if that happened. But if I don't report him and he gets caught then I'm liable for a suspension, even a ban. My job or his life?
Well, for one of the few times in my life I have asked myself a question I can easily answer. His life wins over my job, no question. But if I don't report him he won't get help and if he doesn't get help he'll just end up dieing anyways.
So this isn't a question of my job vs. his life, it's a question of how Kakashi ends up dieing: whether by an overdose or by suicide. And the fact is I can't easily answer that question, no one can.
"Kakashi?" I whisper impatiently, but I don't know why.
I feel strangely calm even though I shouldn't. Not with what I've just learnt, not with the current situation. I can't be calm; if I'm calm I won't think of all the possible scenarios that could occur.
Panic.
Fuck, not again. Calm, don't panic. Calm down! But don't calm down too much, that's just as bad as panicking, "The Hokage has requested your prese…."
I throw myself to the right, stumbling slightly, my reaction based solely on instincts. I didn't even see the kunai; I didn't even see Kakashi move his arm. I thank God for blessing me with instincts that are just a tiny bit above-average.
My body starts shaking on its own. I never thought, ever, that he would do this. I never thought Kakashi would actually try to kill me. Never. I can't believe it, I just can't.
It doesn't make sense.
I watch as his arm falls to his side. I watch as the blood drips to the floor, collecting in yet another pool. I don't really know what I'm doing anymore; I don't really know what I should think anymore. Nothing makes sense in this jumbled up and twisted around brain of mine. Nothing. I just can't grasp what's happening, can't grasp what I'm doing and what I should be doing. I can't grab a hold of reality, not right now.
In all these years I have never really become friends with Kakashi, I don't even think it's possible for anyone to become 'friends' with Kakashi. Some have become better acquaintances than others; Asuma is one who has connected more with Kakashi than I have. And even though I might not know Kakashi I still know of him and I still have a basic understanding for human emotions and human actions. I have always considered myself a good judge of character, a good predictor of what some people will do, how some people will act.
But Kakashi has shattered that idea I had of myself. I never thought he would do this, I never thought he would ever attempt to hurt me, no matter his mind set. I was wrong, very, very wrong. And yet I still find myself trusting this man: this man that has tried so hard throughout his whole life to stay nameless and faceless to the world.
Because, after all, if you're nameless and you're faceless people won't get attached to you and you won't fail them. In the end I think that's the main thought that runs through Kakashi's head, the main idea he bases his way of life on.
"Kakashi," I continue, one last attempt to get this over with, "the Hokage said…"
"Get out," he angrily interrupts me, "I don't care what the Hokage says, just leave before I hurt you. I don't need your help!"
Too bad that didn't sound sincere Kakashi. It would've if your voice wasn't shaking and you hadn't just purposely injured yourself.
"Kaka…"
"Get out!" he screams, slamming his right fist on the edge of the sink. The porcelain cracks and I watch as his blood flows in and fills the small voids. The red contrasts with the white, it looks inhuman; it is inhuman.
"Kurenai," I hear Asuma whisper to me, "let me deal with this, okay?"
I nod in response and Asuma smiles at me, trying to help me calm my nerves. He knows me too well; he knows that I'm freaked out of my mind and about to have a Panic Attack. I rarely have Panic Attacks, I haven't had one for years, but I'm susceptible to them. I'm more likely to get them then others. It's just one of those things. Kakashi has always told me I let my emotions run wild and that's why, maybe it is. But I'm not like Kakashi; I can't cut myself off from my emotions. I can't become a cold-hearted murderer in a blink of an eye. I can't become a robot, a shinobi tool, in a second. But Kakashi can, and that's why he's better than me, that's why he's more reliable me, that's why we depend more on Kakashi than on me.
And I'm fine with that. I wouldn't be able to take the extra pressure anyways. And by the looks of it, Kakashi can't either.
I watch Asuma as he walks towards Kakashi, slowly, quietly, not making any sudden movements. He walks a twisted path over and around the dirty clothes, broken dishes, blood stains, and empty sake bottles.
I hear a crack, the unmistakable sound of bone hitting flesh. I blink, I was watching the whole time but I guess not quite as closely I should've been. Knuckles strike cheek and I watch, frozen in shock, as Asuma staggers back, head snapping to the side. In the end Kakashi is still better than all of us, no matter what.
Asuma turns his head, they stare at each other. Time keeps on passing by, not caring about what's happening in its ever moving grip. I stare into Kakashi's mismatched eyes, really stare into them, and I see far too much guilt, loneliness, sadness, and confusion for one man to deal with every single day. There's a saying that the eyes are the windows to the soul.
There's nothing truer.
Sometimes, in the grips of boredom, I often wonder is all that guilt Kakashi holds inside of him tears him apart. Does he remember every single person he's killed? Every single person he's failed? I think he does, or at least the majority of them. He has a remarkable memory, one of those 'gifts' that Genius' are often blessed with.
I don't really think it's healthy for Kakashi to deal with his pain like this. Why does he suffer alone? Why does he refuse help? Not just from us but from professionals? There's nothing wrong with talking to a psychiatrist, nothing shameful about it. Most shinobi often end up talking to a psychiatrist, I know I have. Almost all ANBUs end up turning to psychiatrists, and the ones that don't end up killing themselves.
I count the seconds as they tick on by in my head. We wait for nothing and everything, for action and no action. I try to stop my mind from reminiscing, from wandering down the path of childhood memories. Now is not the time, now is not the time to relive those painful years full of shame because of the way I acted. The way I acted towards a certain silver-haired Chuunin. Even if he's a genius, even if he was a child prodigy there was still only one of him and a heck of a lot more of us. And no matter how great he was there was still safety in numbers, still advantages in numbers. We had numbers on our side, Kakashi didn't.
In the end I think that's what broke him, the fact he had no one on his side. No one. I can only begin to imagine how hard that must be, to have absolutely no one on your side. Absolutely no one to help you, teach you, and to just talk to. It must've been painful, it must still be painful. He never learnt how to open up, and it's killing him now.
"You don't have to do this Kakashi," Asuma breaks the silence, "You don't have to suffer like this. We can help you, if you just listen to us, just let us."
In a flash, faster then my eyes can follow, Kakashi moves forward but Asuma reacts faster. A second passes, maybe a couple more, and than Kakashi freezes. Asuma's behind him, kunai at the front of his neck.
I sigh with relief; Kakashi still has his instincts intact, still stops when his life is in danger. I guess old habits die hard and thank God for that. Even if he may want to die his instincts won't let, at least not right now.
"You don't fight with kunais," Kakashi whispers to Asuma. He sounds almost confused, maybe even shocked. Perhaps shocked that Asuma managed to get the best of him?
"I know I can't fight you with my trench knives. The secret to defeating you is to fight out of my comfort range, to fight how you wouldn't suspect. Plus, in your psychotic state you're not the great Copy Ninja Kakashi I know," Asuma replies calmly. I shudder; he shouldn't have said that last sentence.
Warning bells go off in my head. I hold my breath, waiting for the unknown to happen.
"I'm not psychotic!" Kakashi screams, his anger growing with every breath he takes, with every second that passes by.
He snaps, completely snaps. He grabs Asuma's wrist and elbows him in the face before I can even begin to register what's happening. I try to step forward, try to move, try to help, to take action but I'm frozen by shock. I'm frozen by fear.
What's wrong with me? What can of shinobi am I?
Kakashi pushes forward, breaks free from Asuma's grasp and stumbles right into Gai. I don't think he even noticed Gai was there.
I watch as Kakashi's eyes widen in shock but he quickly gets his emotions under control, a testimony to his true shinobi life, and tries to continue his poorly planned escape. But Gai grabs his wrists; wrists that seem much too skinny.
When was the last time Kakashi ate anything? Does he completely disregard his health around the time of his 'Black Day'? That's not healthy. Now Kakashi wasn't just drunk, drugged up, and psychotic, but he's also mal-nourished. This is not good; this is a recipe for death: a deadly concoction of physical, mental, and emotional poison.
Normally Kakashi would easily be able to break free from Gai but today he can't, and that scares me. It scares me a lot.
Asuma steps behind Gai and wraps his arms around Kakashi's stomach; he wraps his right leg around Kakashi's. Gai sees the intelligence of that and wraps his right leg around Kakashi's left. They stand in silence, watching and waiting for Kakashi to stop his useless struggling.
They seem to have this under control but my mind his still screaming at me. Still yelling at me to panic and to not trust what's happening and to be prepared for the unexpected and the seemingly impossible to happen.
"Let go of me," he growls, yes, growls like a dog. I can't believe how pathetic he sounds right now. This isn't Kakashi; this is some sort of alien being that's taken over Kakashi. He would never allow himself to sound like this in front of this, he's too proud to.
"Why are you here!" he shouts at Gai, "Why did you come along! Did you just want to see me at my weakest? See me when you actually have a chance of beating me!"
Gai just looks at him, shaking his head. He doesn't respond, I don't think he knows how to respond. I don't think he understands what's going on in Kakashi's head. He's like me, he's never really seen Kakashi this broken. In fact, now that I think about it, he wasn't there the day Kakashi quit ANBU, the day Kakashi broke down. At least I was a little more prepared; I'd seen this happen to a certain extent before. Gai never had that preparation. Not that it really matters because this is so much worse than before and it's not like I'm handling this any better then Gai. In fact, Gai is probably handling it better then I am. But then again, anyone would probably handle this better then I am.
I always knew I would never understand Kakashi, I always knew he was far too different then me. Grew up in such a different way then I did. I've always known I would never be able to even remotely begin to understand what he deals with everyday. But even with this knowledge I've never expected this, never thought I would have to deal with this.
"Gai?" he whispers, not bothering to hide the confusion in his voice at Gai's lack of response.
This is our forte, Gai and I; we were never trained in how to deal with situations like this. We were never taught about psychotic break downs and how to catch a falling acquaintance, a falling friend.
I blink; Kakashi's broken free and crouched on the floor. He moved to fast for me to even attempt to follow him. That's either a reflection on Kakashi's amazing skill or my lack of focus. It's probably a combination of both.
He spends only a second or two in a crouched position, facing us before twisting around, jumping up, and running for the door. I still have no idea what just happened or how he had gotten free of both Gai and Asuma's grasp but it doesn't really matter now.
I'm screaming in my head to move, to take action, to do something, anything! But my body's frozen and it won't respond to my brain, it just won't. I try to take a few deep breaths to calm myself but I can't. My breath comes in short gasps and I can feel my chest tightening. This is not good, this is the beginning of Panic Attack. Shit.
I watch helplessly as Kakashi runs for the door, running to his escape. He freezes, confusion plays across his eyes as he watches Shikaku walk in the apartment and close the door behind him, Kage Shibari no Jutsu in full motion. I sigh with relief and my chest loosens just a little bit. I'd forgotten about Shikaku but I thank God that he's still here.
"The Hokage requests that you come now, he doesn't wish to make everyone wait any longer," Shikaku reports in his ever bored tone.
"Bastard," Kakashi mutters, "When did you get here?"
"Just now," Shikaku lies in response, "I wouldn't be here unless the Hokage sent me, I'm not too inclined to get you pissed off and get myself murdered. I like living, its semi-fun, not that you would really know."
Kakashi makes no verbal response, which doesn't surprise me, and since I can't see his face I have no clue as to what he's thinking.
I sure hope either Asuma, Gai, or Shikaku know what to do next because I have absolutely no fucking idea.
"Kurenai, why don't you actually do something?" Shikaku continues. I blink, turning my head to focus completely on Shikaku and I nod. I know I've done absolutely nothing except wallow in my own thoughts. I might as well do something useful, no matter how small.
"Go in the bathroom, find a medic kit, and bandage Kakashi's cuts before he bleeds all over his apartment. You do have a medic kit right?"
"Yes," Kakashi responds.
I turn around, willing my body to move. I walk to the bathroom, trying not to step on any clothes, broken glass, used syringes, or any of the other shit on the floor. Once in the bathroom I freeze, there was so much blood. The sun shines directly into the bathroom, the shadows move faintly along the wall. I scan the room, finding a wall cabinet on the wall to my left, the wall opposite the now shattered mirror. I walk over, slowly, carefully, trying not to step on any blood. Deep breathes, don't panic, stay calm. Deep breaths. Breath.
I open up the cabinet and grab the medical kit. I retrace my footsteps, again trying not to step on anything but clean floor; careful to avoid all syringes. I walk past Asuma and I see him smile at me, trying to calm me down, again. I walk past Gai, who's just staring at Shikaku. Finally I come to Kakashi and I hesitantly open the small medic kit. Shikaku raises his arm and turns it so that forearm and palm are facing up, Kakashi's right arm follows. I push up his sleeve, trying to be as careful as I can, trying to stay as calm as I can.
I see scars all up his arm, faint scars, not-so-faint scars, just healing cuts, and new cuts that haven't yet even begun to heal. They crisscross across his arm, up to his elbow, some horizontal, some vertical, some diagonal, some long, some short, some deep, some shallow. My mind freezes and I just stare, my body moves on its own, goes through the familiar cleaning and bandaging steps without needing my mind to tell it. My focus is completely on these scares.
It's so much worse then I thought, so much worse.
I'm not equipped to deal with this, no one in this room is. This needs to be dealt with by professionals and soon, before it's too late. But can you fix Kakashi?
I really don't think so.
My body finishes and moves away on its own. I break my eye focus from his arm and stare at the floor. Are the same cuts mirrored on his other arm? I don't know but I have a feeling that they are, I have a feeling they're worse on his other arm.
"Kakashi," I say. I know my voice is portraying my nervousness but I don't care, "When's the last time you are anything? You look far too thin."
I don't know why I asked that, I don't know why but it doesn't matter. I don't know anything anymore. Everything I thought I knew about Kakashi has been shattered tonight, my trust broken.
Yet I would still trust Kakashi with my life.
But that doesn't really surprise me because Kakashi has always valued other's life more than his own, I just didn't know he hated himself that much. I didn't know. And even though I know now I still can't do a fucking thing.
"I don't know," Kakashi finally replies after letting the silence stretch on, "It's also none of your business. I can take care of myself. I am an adult you know."
"Kakashi," Shikaku begins immediately after Kakashi stops talking. Acting as if what I asked never even happened, "If I release the Kage Shibari will you try to get away again?"
I don't know what Shikaku is thinking but I trust him, I trust that he has a plan. Because I don't, I don't think any of us do.
"No," he answers, "You guys win, I can't defeat you all."
It sound genuine to me, but sounding genuine and actually being genuine are two completely things that are rarely connected in the shinobi world. So whether he's telling the truth or not is beyond me, I don't particularly care anymore. I just want to get out of here, I just want to leave and do something quiet. I need time to organize my thoughts and figure out what I should do.
I don't even really know Kakashi so why am I worrying so much about him? He's an adult; he can take care of himself.
A voice in the back of my head whispers to me, telling me he can't take care of himself.
We need to help him because he can't help himself anymore. He can't deal with this pain alone and I don't care how much he struggles tomorrow I'm going to get him help. But I have to be careful, I can't let the Hokage find out because else he'll get stripped of his shinobi titled and then it will be all over. Without his shinobi title Kakashi is nothing, he'd have nothing to live for, he'd just follow his father's footsteps.
Shikaku release the Kage Shibari and we all watch, waiting, listening, prepared for the worse. But it seems Kakashi was indeed genuine and that he isn't going to try and escape. I let a small sigh of relief escape and I breathe a little more calmly, a little more rhythmically. And just maybe I won't have a Panic Attack, just maybe.
Asuma walks past Gai, past me, and towards Kakashi. He puts his right hand on his left shoulder, "Come on Kakashi, let's go."
He nods, I relax with relief. We've won, we've calmed him down, we succeeded.
Asuma starts to walk past Kakashi but he doubles over in pain, clutching his stomach. I blink; I hear a crash and look towards the sound. A broken window and no Kakashi; again Kakashi is faster then I can follow.
"Fuck!" Asuma yells and I turn my attention back to him. I can't see what happened but I can see blood dripping on to the carpet. A kunai? I run over to his side and kneel down beside him. Yes, it's a kunai.
"Are you okay?" I ask, knowing concern is etched in my face.
"I'm fine," he grunts out, "Gai, go follow Kakashi! Get him before he kills someone!"
Gai nods and jumps through the window, following Kakashi. Can he deal with him alone? I don't think so but there's nothing we can do about it right now.
"See! I told you not to release the Kage Shibari. This is where your fucking trust got us!" Asuma yells, his anger growing with every word.
"I didn't think….I trusted him," Shikaku stammers, trying to defend himself but failing miserable.
"Didn't I tell you not to trust him? He's not Kakashi! All of you are blinded by your faith and your beliefs that he won't actually hurt us. Well you guys are wrong! There are team leaders for a reason; you're supposed to listen to them even if you don't agree with them," Asuma continues yelling.
I know he's right, so very right. We've all been blinded by our trust. And now we've fucked up, really fucked up.
I hear Asuma sigh in frustration, "It doesn't matter now, let's just go."
"But Asuma…" I start.
"I'm fine Kurenai," he interrupts me, "I've survived worse and I've fought with worse. Let's just stop Kakashi before he fucks over himself and someone else."
I nod and follow Asuma to the window. We jump out, landing on the balcony surrounding the apartment and then jump over the railing and land on the grass there stories below; crouched behind Gai.
"I give him a minute before he passes out," I faintly hear Gai say as I land.
All four of us straighten up at the same time and I look closely at Kakashi. His eyes are glazed over and he really does look like he's going to pass out. But, he is Kakashi and Kakashi doesn't go down without a fight. In a few moments he'll be back to his psychotic self.
He blinks a few times and I see his eyes regain their focus. It's now or never, we have to calm him down soon or someone is going to end up dead. He turns around and I notice that the Hokage is here, how did I miss that? I shake my head and give myself a mental kick in the head for all the shit I've missed lately.
At least the Hokage is here. If there's anyone who might be able to talk some sense into Kakashi's fucked up mind it's the Hokage.
"I'm sorry Kakashi, I would've left you alone if I could've but we need you at this meeting. Can you please come? And can you please stop trying to murder everyone who's trying to help you?" The Hokage whispers. I can hear the sadness and the grief in the old man's voice.
If there's anyone who can deal with Kakashi effectively it's the Hokage, he's the only one.
Kakashi looks away from the Hokage and my gaze follows his. Together we watch two birds building a nest in a tree. We wait; he lets the time pass by. He doesn't care that people are waiting for him, he doesn't care how much time passes be. He never cares about being on time and schedules, never has. He lives on his own time schedule and he rarely changes it, only for missions, never any other time.
And we all understand that.
"Fine Sarutobi," he whispers. I turn my head, focusing on Kakashi's silver hair. He keeps his head turned; keeps his focus on the two birds and keeps himself disconnected from everyone else.
"I'm sorry," he murmurs, barely audible above the singing birds and whistling wind.
He drops his gaze to the ground; refusing to look at anyone. Completely cutting himself off from the world. Is he afraid? Is he ashamed? Does he feel like he's disgraced someone? Is this another failure he's going to add to his already too long list? I don't know and I know I'll never ask. It's not my place to meddle in his life. It's not my place to try to fix an alcoholic, drug addicted, fucked up, distraught, and amazing shinobi prodigy.
But yet it is my place.
I'm so confused, I don't know what to do, I don't understand him anymore.
Did I ever understand Kakashi?
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Author's Notes: So, the next chapter will be Shikaku and then the last and final chapter will be Sarutobi (then the sequel!). Thanks to everyone who's reviewed so far and who has voted on the POVs. The next two chapters will have a few flashbacks, though I've never written flashbacks so um... any advice on how to incorporate them into the story without ruining the flow? Also, one of the flashbacks, probably in Sarutobi's chapter will be the day Kurenai's always referring back to, the day Kakashi quit ANBU. Just wanted to tell you guys that because yah…don't know why, just thought you'd like to know.