Author's Note: Dunno if it's any good. May be spelling errors. I just needed something to do to keep my mind of some messed up things going on in my life right now... So if it's bad, I apologize. Please read and review. It's appreciated. Thanks.
Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy VII, it belongs to Square-Enix© The song 'Be My Escape' belongs to Relient K.
Final Fantasy VII
Doubt & Insecurity ..:
One-Shot-Song-Fic
By: T. Lockheart
I've given up on giving up slowly
I'm blending in so you won't even know me
Apart from this whole world that shares my fate
It was pouring. The rain drops shattered down on the ground. Two brown eyes were watching the rain. In trance. They never left the drops crashing down. Two slender arms were crossed over each other and rested against the woman's chest. She was wearing a crimson tank top and a pair of black jeans. Just a simple pair of black socks as she stood on the porch. With her right shoulder she leaned against the door way. Her head slightly resting against it as well, as she stood there, which almost seemed hypnotizing the clear liquid falling down. A sigh escaped from her lips. How could he keep doing this to them? Everytime when they thought he fixed his problems, got over his guilt, and finally made up his mind, he's leave them again. Over and over.
How can someone, who looks so strong, act so weak. So... cruel, and selfish. Sure, he was having problems. But he declined every help offer, pushed away everyone who tried to cheer him up. But couldn't he see what his acts were doing to the people around him? To the ones who loved him, like Tifa, Marlene and Denzel? Tifa tightened her arms that were crossed over each other, but soon eased up as she felt two small hands rest on her hip.
"Tifa...?"
This one last Bullet you mention
Is my one last shot at redemption
'Cause I know to live you must give your life away
She glanced down, meeting the two hazel brown eyes of the tall dark man's daughter. Marlene. Tifa unfolded her arms, and placed one hand softly on top of Marlene's head. Giving her a warm motherly smile. How could he leave such an innocent child alone like that. But sure, someone else would clean up the mess he left behind. As always.
"What is it, Marlene?"
The girl snuggled closed against the older woman, searching, noticing something was wrong. Looking for comfort perhaps. Tifa was surprised by the little girl's action, and bend down to her level. She glanced at her. 'I would never do that to you. Not my family. Not my friends. Nobody. Unlike Cloud, I at least give it my best shot. For everyone's sake...' Softly she brushed Marlene's hair from out of her face, and stared into those innocent, young eyes. ...But... Teary eyes?
'Cause I've been housing all this doubt
And insecurity...
"Marlene...?" Tifa asked timidly. "What's wrong, sweety?"
"...I miss him.." Came a soft sniffle. Marlene wrapped her small arms around Tifa's figure and hid her face into the woman's neck. Tifa softly patted Marlene on the back, calming her. The girl was slightly shaking, Tifa couldn't blame here. Everything was going so fast lately. Cloud told her he finally gotten over his guilt. He stayed with Tifa, Denzel, and Marlene for what seemed five long weeks, after that, it just went back downhill to where it started. Cloud left them again, but this time...
------
' "Stop running! I know. Even if you find the kids you might not be able to help them. Maybe something will happen that can never unhappen, that scares you, doesn't it? But you need to think about it now, really take it in. Look at you, you think you've got it so damn hard. Well you hate being alone so let people in. Sure you might not answer the phone. But I don't see you throw it away either!" Tifa placed her hand on the bed, giving Cloud a firm look. He knew she was right. Looking away from the brunette, Cloud closed his eyes, thinking to himself.
------
...This time, there was no phone. No Cloud. Nothing.. He had been gone for over a month now. No one heard anything, didn't see anything, or didn't know anything about Cloud. It was eating Tifa inside out, but she had to keep herself strong for the children. She had her responsibilities. And unlike a certain someone, she wouldn't run away from her problems. She couldn't just leave everything she cared for, or cared about her behind without a word. That was simply messed up.
"I know..." she said softly, embracing the little girl, who was crying in her arms. "I miss him to..." she pulled her backwards a bit, and stared at the young girl with a slight smile. "How about some hot chocolate milk? Hmm?" With her thumbs she brushed the tears from Marlene's face gently.
"Okay.."
And I've been locked inside that house
All the while you hold the key
And I've been dying to get out
Tifa nodded, as the girl wrapped her arms around Tifa's neck, and lifted Marlene up, and carried her back inside, giving the door just a slight push with her foot so it fell into the lock. Tifa walked Marlene into the kitchen and placed the girl back down on the ground.
"Denzel?" she yelled upstairs. "You gonna come drink some hot chocolate milk?" Tifa heard a door get slammed shut and footsteps running through the hallway upstairs. A small smile formed on Tifa's lips as she turned to the kitchen sink and filled the kettle with water, placing it on the cooking-range. When she turned around she was met by two gazes. At least Marlene cheered up a bit. But when Tifa saw Denzel move over to the kitchen table, and sit down on a chair, glancing back up at her with a torn up face, her smile disappeared immediately. 'Damn you, Cloud.' Tifa turned away from the two children and pulled out three cups from the cabinet, and filled them with the hot chocolate milk she promised Marlene.
"There ya go, Denzel." she placed a cup in front of him. "Marlene." and another to were Marlene was sitting. Tifa sat herself down at the kitchen table as well, placing her own cup on the table. She let out a deep sigh, and stared to her left side, where the kitchen window was. Denzel slightly glanced over at her. 'Poor Tifa... Where are you Cloud?' Denzel finished his cup and wiped off his mouth.
"I'm gonna go upstairs, and sleep."
Tifa brought her attention to the little boy, smiled at him, than nodded. "Alright, sweety." She placed a soft kiss on the kid's forehead. "Good night." Both Tifa and Marlene watched Denzel leave, and heard him go upstairs.
"Tifa.."
"Hm?"
Marlene glanced at her with those big, bright eyes. Though not sparkling like they used to. They looked exhausted, filled with doubt, questions, and sorrow. "Will Denzel be okay?" she asked softly.
Tifa stared at her intently, than spread her arms, as Marlene accepted the invite, and jumped off the chair, hiding herself in the embrace of the older woman. Marlene sniffled softly. Tifa just squeezed her gently against her, reassuring her.
"He will be, honey. We're all worried about Cloud, but that's because we love him, and don't want anything to happen to him. Right, Marlene?"
"Uh huh..."
"Well, Denzel looks up to Cloud. He just misses him, and is worried. Just like us." the girl broke out of the embrace and stared at Tifa.
"So he'll be okay?" Tifa smiled warmly at her and nodded.
"Yeah, he'll be fine. Besides, he's got a great friend, who's always helping, and dragging him through though times right? Always keeping him up?"
"Yup!" The girl smiled. Tifa's smile widened. That's what an eight year old was supposed to look like. Happy and carefree. She chuckled and gave Marlene a soft push.
"I think you should be heading to bed to, Marlene." Tifa's suggestion was answered with a deep tired yawn from the little girl standing in front of her. Marlene nodded and placed a kiss on Tifa's cheek.
"Nighty, Tifa."
"'Night, honey."
It might be the death of me
And even though there's no way on knowing where to go
I promise I'm going, because...
I, gotta get outta here
I'm stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I, gotta get outta here
And I'm begging you, I'm begging you,
I'm begging you to be my escape.
Tifa stepped outside the front porch for a little while longer. Sitting down on the bench that stood in front of the house.
"I don't know how you're able to cause so much pain, Cloud... People love you. They get attached to you in some sort of way. And all you can do is leave, looking for the girl who's not here anymore. Don't you think, if you just tried to accept everyone else's love, you'd be happy to? That you could let your mind rest finally? I don't even see you trying Cloud. You're trying the impossible, but it won't get you anywhere. Do you find it weird you keep feeling down? You can't succeed the task you put yourself on... Why can't you see this?" She stared in front of her. The sky was dark, the moon lightening the streets. All the lights where off everywhere. Except the porch light at Tifa Lockheart's house. For some reason, she couldn't turn it off. She left it on, hoping Cloud would see there's always an open door for him, that he'd realize they want him to stay.
Tifa let out a deep sigh. "Where are you, Cloud..."
"Searching, Tifa." came a voice from next to her. Tifa glanced to her side. Not surprised, she knew who it was. "You should know that by now."
"I do... I just wish he knew where his head was at. That he'd realize it makes no sense..." she lowered her gaze to the ground, as the dark figure with the red cloak leaned against one of the pillars the roof was leaning on.
"Do you remember what I told you?"
"Cloud's not the only one who needs to forgive himself..."
"Mhm. Did you ever forgive yourself, Tifa Lockheart?" he broke his stare from looking at the small pool of water that lay on the ground. It had been raining for a week. Today was the first day it was actually starting to clear up. You could even see the stars in the sky, instead of the dark, grey clouds.
I've given up, I'm doing this alone now
'Cause I failed and I'm ready to be shown how
You've told me they way and I'm trying to get there
"... I know what you're thinking, Vincent. Why am I mad at Cloud, if I'm doing the exact same thing. Maybe I'm not running, but on the inside I am. I failed looking after my childhood friend. And I blame myself for it. Yes. I promised myself, I promised Cloud, I'd be there for him whenever he needed me. I'm not there now, am I?" she said, looking up at Vincent. He just nodded.
"You are."
A puzzled look showed on Tifa's face as she shook her head and glanced at the ground again. Annoyed. "What do you mean?"
"You're worried. Aren't you?"
"Yeah..?"
"You're here. Correct?"
"Yes?"
"Waiting for him. Tell me I'm wrong."
"Yeah, so? What's that supposed to mean?" she asked, getting angry. She didn't understand Vincent at all right now. Her head already was one big ball of confusion. And this wasn't helping. "I'm here, doing absolutely nothing. I'm waiting. Sure, but I'm not doing anything!"
"Tifa, Cloud once told me about something you told him. It was meant as advice. He was trying to help me forgive myself for failing on Lucretia. It helped me. When I wanted to thank him, he said it was the advice you once gave him."
"W-what advice?"
"'Words aren't the only thing that tell people what you're thinking.'"
And this life sentence that I'm serving
I admit that I'm every bit deserving
But the beauty of grace is that it makes Life not fair.
"Thinking is a feeling. If you're thinking about the person you care about, you're worried. Those feelings. Locked deep inside of you. They mean more than if you would go out right now, looking for Cloud. Making yourself miserable and getting yourself all messed up. You are helping him. Because you will take care of him, invite him with open arms if he comes back. Just like you always do. Even though he's hurting you so much by leaving everytime." Vincent brought his stare back on the streets. There were a few rain drops falling slightly again. But nothing bad. Tifa glanced up as Vincent looked away.
"How do you know..?"
"I've been there, Tifa. Longer than you know. That's why you should forgive yourself now. Instead of living in misery for way longer, only to get the same advice." Vincent stretched, and stared back at Tifa for a slight second, before stepping away from the porch, making his way to leave. "How about.. You forgive yourself for him?" were his last words. Tifa watched Vincent until the long dark figure disappeared out of sight.
A soft breeze passed her skin, as she inhaled deeply. Trying to swallow her sorrow again. What's the good thing about caring, if it's only hurting the caring person? She shook her head and glanced up at the sky, spotting a single star on the left side. That star was there for as long as she could remember. It was the star where the falling star fell right next to all those years back when she made that promise to Cloud. Strangely enough she still remembered it.
I am a hostage, to my own humanity
Self-detained and forced to live in this mess I've made
And all I'm asking is for you to do what you can with me
But I can't ask you to give, what you already gave
'I will be here whenever you need me. I won't ever turn my back on anyone, like you did. I'm mad at you, angry, hurt, and confused. But I am able to forgive you. In fact... I think I already did. If you decide to come back I'll invite you with open arms and make sure you're okay... I just hope you can see this one day, Cloud. That the people who love you are still here, alive and waiting. Maybe someday you can return their love by returning. And moving on perhaps. You wont's be alone, 'cause we're all here for you. Every step of the way. I'll be here for you. Just like always. And we can take it slow. Little by little...'
I've been housing all this doubt...
And insecurity...
She stood up. Vincent was right. If Cloud couldn't forgive himself, while Tifa was doing the exact same thing to herself, she had to show herself that she could. Forgiving herself was the only option. If she was thinking she failed, the only way to make it better is to try again and succeed. She walked inside the house and locked the door behind her, closing up everything for the night.
She walked upstairs glancing into the room of Marlene and Denzel.
"Tifa and Cloud will be okay, right Denzel?"
"Yeah.. Don't worry, Marlene. Everything's going to be okay."
I fought you for so long, I should've let you in...
Oh how we regret those things we do...
And all I was trying to do, was save my own skin...
But so were you
So were you...
Tifa silently made her way to her own bedroom, and closed the door behind her as a single tear ran down her cheek. She swallowed back the other tears that formed in her eyes. 'Everything is going to be okay.' That's what Cloud used to tell her. She walked over to her window, opening it, and stared into that deep blue night sky again. It reminded her of Cloud's eyes. Just alot darker. But whenever she stared into them she felt her sorrow get washed away by the waves of an ocean. Instead of light, bright blue, like Cloud's, this was the ocean at night. Dark, peacefull and full of sparkles.
She found the star again, she was staring at earlier. A soft breeze once again passed by and curved her lips into a slight smile. Before she closed the window, to get herself some sleep, she looked at the star one more time. As it seemed to mean alot to her.
"At least Denzel looks after Marlene... And he is right. Everything is going to be okay..."