Black Day
Summary: After all these years, after everything I've seen, I still know no more about Kakashi than I did eighteen years ago. / What does Kakashi's Black Day means to himself and his friends? What's the reason behind it and why does he change so much?
Genre: Angst
Rating: T
Author's Notes: Only one more chapter left! Sorry for the delay in posting this chapter…I was busy, really, I was. This is also gets the title of longest chapter so far. Though I have a feeling that the next chapter is going to be long…very long. And as a result the next chapter may not be up for two weeks or so…sorry!
Disclaimer: I have never owned Naruto, I never will. Can I stop with the stupid disclaimers yet?
Please R&R…Thanks!
I want to thank my amazing beta reader Newtype Omega. Seriously, he is absolutely brilliant.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Asuma," I hear Kurenai say as I watch the three younger Jounins from my position leaning against the railing.
"Yes Kurenai," Asuma asks, pausing his hand in mid air; stopping his attempt to knock on Kakashi's door.
"I think you should put out your cigarette," she advises him, and I silently agree with her logic. Kurenai might be young but she does have a brain in that head of hers, even if she does let her emotions run wild too much.
I've known Kakashi the longest here, I don't know him the best but I've known him the longest. I'm older than everyone else here; I saw the way Kakashi grew-up from a different perspective. I saw a lot more than I probably should have.
Asuma lowers his arm, looks quizzically at Kurenai, and responds with, "And why would I do that?"
"Because Kakashi doesn't like the smell of cigarettes, you know that," she nervously replies. She's not used to standing up to the leader in regards to something she knows barely anything about. Kurenai knows that Asuma understands Kakashi better than her, she knows she really has no idea what she's talking about, yet she's still stating her point. She's still standing up for what she believes in, even if it might, and most likely, is wrong.
I must admit, you've got to admire someone like that.
"And since when do I care about Kakashi's smell preferences?" Asuma retorts angrily.
"Asuma," she argues with a tired sigh, "Did you forget why we're here in the first place? I want to get Kakashi and leave and not die in the process. Our chances of not dying are much better if we don't piss Kakashi off, and smoking will piss him off."
I have to admit, she's very persuasive. But then, many women are, it just seems to be one of those talents that only females are born with. I've met few men with persuasiveness that can match a woman's.
"I have to agree with her," I speak up. I know that adding my opinion, no matter how small it is, is what's going to get Asuma to agree with Kurenai. Asuma isn't good with pressure from two or more people, never has been. One person he can deal with, give him one person and he'll argue his side for hours on end. But as soon as it becomes two people he'll back down and succumb to the pressure. Well, not always, but most of the time.
Asuma and Kurenai turn to face me, Asuma rolls his eyes and snaps at me, "And why do you even care? You're not even going in his apartment, you're completely out of danger you know."
I mentally sigh; does he not understand how dangerous this is? "Just because I'm here for back-up doesn't mean I'm not potentially going to get killed. This isn't Kakashi we're facing today; its psychotic Kakashi. But you already know that since you saw what he did to Iruka a few years ago. I for one want to take all measures possible to avoid myself ending up like Iruka, and you getting rid of your cigarette is one of those vital measures."
Okay, so maybe I'm exaggerating my opinion a little bit but sometimes exaggeration is needed to get other people to understand. Is the situation as bad as I just said? I don't particularly think so.
But a voice in the back of my head whispers a warning, repeating the words of the Hokage from yesterday. He told me not to underestimate the situation.
He told me a lot of other interesting things too.
"Fine," Asuma bitterly relents. I watch as he grabs the cigarette out of his mouth and drops it on the floor, putting it out with the heel of his shoe.
"Everybody ready?" he asks and the three of us nod.
He knocks. No response. He knocks louder. Still no response.
"Kakashi!" Asuma calls out, "Kakashi!"
"Kakashi!" Kurenai yells, knocking on the door herself.
I sigh, how stupid are they? Do they really think Kakashi's just going to calmly walk over to the door and open it up today, on his Black Day?
Asuma turns around; looking very frustrated, and angrily exclaims, "What?"
"Why don't you just go in?" I reply, letting my voice sound calm and bored, even though in reality I'm far from bored and far from calm.
Asuma turns around and nods at Kurenai, but I don't miss his pissed off stare directed at me. Kurenai reaches out and turns the doorknob. The door opens and everyone looks slightly surprised. I just mentally sigh. I knew the door was going to be open; Kakashi trusts that no one's going to try to get into his apartment. He relies too much on the fact that he scares the shit out of most people.
The three of them walk inside the apartment and I settle myself more comfortably against the railing. I'm glad I don't have to go in there, I'm glad I don't have to see the details of this day.
I wait, letting my mind wander back to yesterday; when I had that eventful and extremely interesting meeting with the Hokage. Yes, that was quite the meeting.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
/Flashback/
I quietly walk into the Hokage's office, trying my best to figure out why I am here. As far as I know I haven't gone on any missions that I need to report on, I haven't screwed up on any missions, nothing drastic has happened in the past few days to warrant a meeting, and Shikamaru hasn't done anything idiotic, has he?
"Shikaku," the Hokage greets me and I bow in the expected response.
"Please, take a seat," he continues.
I sit down in the offered seat and wait, in silence, for the Hokage to explain why he asked me to come here. Finally, after what seems like hours, the Hokage puts down his pen, folds his hands over the papers on his desk, and looks up to make eye contact with me.
"Shikaku," the Hokage begins with a small sigh, "As I'm sure you know tomorrow marks eighteen years since Hatake Sakumo's death. Which means tomorrow is Kakashi's infamous Black Day. And, as I'm also sure you know, I have always preferred to give Kakashi the day off for I'd rather not have any deaths on that day; especially deaths that can easily be avoided."
I nod, and respond with, "Yes, I'm aware. But I'm also aware that you didn't ask me to come here today just to tell me that. What exactly are you meaning to tell me?"
The Hokage sighs, once again, only this sigh is much heavier and much sadder.
"I'm sure that you've noticed over the last few months that Kakashi has not been taking care of himself properly and that he's fading at quite an alarming rate."
I nod, again, "Yes, I've noticed. But I'm not about to interfere with his life, he wouldn't let me anyway."
"I know Shikaku. But I also know that you were the first person to see Kakashi on that day, eighteen years ago, and the only person to see exactly what the scene was. And I also know that you are not particularly close to Kakashi, which is why I've decided to tell you the full details of what my reasoning behind what I'm having you, Asuma, Gai, and Kurenai do tomorrow."
"What exactly are you having us do?"
"You do remember that tomorrow there is a Jounin meeting, correct?"
"Yes."
"Well I've decided that Kakashi is going to be at this meeting, and I've decided that you, Asuma, Gai, and Kurenai are going to be designated with the mission of retrieving Kakashi tomorrow and bringing him to the meeting. And Asuma will be your team leader."
"A mission? The mission is to bring Kakashi to the meeting? But why? You just said you'd rather leave Kakashi alone on his Black Day, so why are you trying to force him to come to the meeting? He doesn't have to be there, someone can just fill him in on what was talked about the next day," I respond, trying to hide the growing unease and panic building up inside of me.
"Shikaku, if someone doesn't do something soon Kakashi is going to die. Whether it's from starvation, a drug overdose, or suicide, he is going to die. I made the mistake, years ago, of letting Sakumo kill himself by believing that it was not my place to interfere with another's pain. I've grown older, I've grown wiser, and I've learned over the years that it is very much my business to help others if I can. And I know I can help Kakashi, and I know that you, along with the other three, can help me help him."
"I sill don't understand how dragging Kakashi out of his house and making him face reality on his Black Day is going to help him. If anything it will only make this worse," I argue.
The Hokage rubs the back of his neck in an uncharacteristic sign of exhaustion, "I have spoken with many professionals over the last few weeks on this matter and they have all unanimously told me that the best way to deal with Kakashi is to force him over the edge."
"Wait," I respond in shock, "You're telling me that you think the best way to help Kakashi is to force him past his coping abilities and force him to hit rock bottom. That doesn't even make sense."
"That's what I first thought. But I realized that it does make sense. Some people don't believe they need help until they reach rock bottom. Kakashi needs help now, but since he hasn't been pushed over the line yet he won't accept help. He still believes he can cope even though it's obvious that he can't. When he gets pushed over the edge he will finally realize that he needs help. And the sooner he gets help the more likely he'll be able to be helped. So by forcing him to hit rock bottom, we'll actually be helping him."
"You know, in some twisted way that actually sort of makes sense," I lean back into the chair and cross my arms, thinking about what the Hokage just said, " The only problem with this plan of yours is that pushing Kakashi over the edge is dangerous for all of Konoha. I'm sure you haven't forgotten what he did to Iruka before; he might do that to someone else. By pushing him over the edge you're putting every civilian, Genin, Chunin, and all but a few Jounin within Konoha in danger."
"I know that Shikaku. I also know that Kakashi is going to cross that line from sanity to insanity whether we push him or not. And if we push him then we can be prepared and we can protect this village because we will know when it's going to happen. If we don't push him and let this follow its own path then we're going to get blindsided and it will be even more dangerous and possibly even more deadly."
"I guess that makes sense, depends on how you look at the situation. But why are you telling me this? Why not tell Asuma? He is going to be the team leader and he's the closest thing to a friend that Kakashi has."
"Because if I told either of the other three they would refuse to participate in this mission. They are closer to Kakashi than you are; they would never willingly be part of a plan that could possibly cause Kakashi's death. But I need someone there who understands the full meaning of the mission. I need someone there who will not underestimate the situation, someone who knows how vitally important this mission is. Konoha needs Kakashi, Konoha cannot afford to let the Copy Ninja die unnecessarily, I cannot afford it. I am not going to make the mistake of not interfering ever again," the Hokage smiles at me reassuringly, " But don't worry, if things gets out of hand I will come, I'll be watching what's happening and there will be ANBU situated around the village and around Kakashi to help protect everyone."
I nod, "I understand. But I want you to know that I don't think this is a particularly good idea. Remember, your job is to protect Konoha, not put it in danger. Don't put Kakashi above the law, and you better hope that he never finds out this is entirely your plan. He'll lose the little amount of trust he has in you, and Konoha cannot afford that."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A loud crash from inside Kakashi's apartment distracts me from my thoughts and pulls me out of my memories.
What is going on in there?
I sigh quietly and turn around to lean my elbows against the railing, letting my hands dangle over the edge. I examine the view from the balcony and find that it's quite impressive. Kakashi lives on the third story and as a result he has a better than average view of this side of Konoha. I watch as people make their way to work, as drug users buy their daily fix and shoot up, as alcoholics flirt with pissed off woman, as teenage girls walk through the streets in small frightened groups, and as children play oblivious to their surroundings and their unfortunate living conditions. Kakashi doesn't live in the best part of Konoha, which is well known among ninjas, but no one really knows why he lives here. After all, he can afford an apartment in a better part of the village if he wanted to.
Some say it's because he wants to detach himself from his father, from his past. By living in a place so drastically different from where he grew up so he can forget his past. Well, at least that's what most people think, but no one really knows for sure.
No one really knows anything about Kakashi. He has to be the most mysterious person to ever live in Konoha, much less be a Genius Jounin who some believe may be capable of one day rivaling the Legendary Three.
I think back to what happened, this day, eighteen years ago. I was seventeen then, young by my standards now but old by most standards then. I thought I knew everything, I thought I'd seen everything. How wrong I was.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
/Flashback/
"What are you talking about Inoichi? You did not out-drink Choza, not even close!"
"Well I don't see you out-drinking Choza! At least I tried, and the fact that I'm still standing obviously means that I won!"
"Of course you don't see me out-drinking Choza; I don't even try because I'm not an idiot. And yes you're still standing but Choza drank at least three times as much as you which easily explains why he's won't be going home anytime tonight. Hope he has fun sleeping at the bar, or the street," I chuckle at the thought of Choza waking up tomorrow, confused and hung-over.
"Shouldn't we have woken him up?"
"He's passed out," I laugh, "And I'm not dragging a passed out Choza home. It's his own fault for drinking over his limit."
Inoichi stumbles and I grab him quickly before he falls over. I steady him, laughing the whole time, and trying not to stumble myself. I'm not nearly as drunk as Inoichi is, so I don't find myself stumbling that much but I am feeling the affects of the alcohol.
We walk along the dark streets of Konoha; chatting about nothing in particular, steady each other when we stumble. It was past midnight, definitely past midnight, probably close to three in the morning. It was a hard mission that we'd come home from today, or I guess it was technically yesterday when we came home, so naturally we decided to drown ourselves in alcohol.
It seems like there were a lot of Konoha ninjas drowning themselves in alcohol these days. Must be the cool thing to do I guess.
We were walking down an empty street, which was odd; so far every street we have walked down tonight has had at least some other people on it, people on breaks from their graveyard shifts or other drunks making their way home. But this street had no one on it, and it was completely silent and completely black. No lights on at all, no lights except for one.
There was only one light on in one house near the end of the street. I look around and try to identify exactly where we are; and I easily recognize this street and I realize why there are no lights on here. This was the area of town were most of the Genius families live in, the ninjas with the natural talent who don't bother with drinking, who don't bother with anything other than training.
"Hey Inoichi," I speak up, my tone becoming serious.
Something feels off here.
"Yes," he replies, far too giddy and far too drunk for my sudden mood change.
"Do you think it's weird that that one house has a light on when no other houses do?"
Inoichi looks over to where I'm pointing and shrugs, "Not really. That's the Hatake house, and there not exactly known for their sanity or mental stability."
"How old is that Kakashi kid now anyways?" I ask quietly, wondering if what I think might have happened really did happen. I'd witnessed Hatake Sakumo's fall from grace and his one-time infamy had taken a very sharp nose dive upon his return. The shame he currently endured was rather substantial, so thoughts like those I currently harbored didn't seem as outlandish as normal.
"Um…I think he's around seven, or eight, or something like that," Inoichi replies uninterested, "Must suck to have to live with Sakumo, hey?"
"I guess, probably sucks more now though. Ever seen the way the other kids treat him?"
"Nope. Never paid much attention. I try to steer clear of that kid, he's a freak. He's too blood thirsty for my liking," he replies with disgust.
"Well, he was raised by Sakumo. Personally I think he's been pushed too hard. Those kids treat him like a monster. Well, to be honest I think almost everyone treats him like a monster."
"Do you?"
"Probably, I don't really know though. Never talk to the kid, rarely see him. I hear Yondaime's having a tough time training him."
"Why?"
"Yondaime's all about caring for others and taking care of your friends before the mission and all that shit. Kakashi's the complete opposite of that."
"How do you know?"
"I don't. I'm just guessing, that's all everyone does in regards with that kid anyways. I just figure that with his father falling into disgrace after that mission that the kid's going to grow up always choosing the mission over his comrades. Don't know if that's a good thing or not."
"I don't think anyone really knows."
By now our mood has become oddly depressive and we have also reached the Hatake house. We stop in front of it and just look at it, look at the only house with a light on inside. And something just doesn't feel right.
"Do you feel anything odd?" I ask Inoichi, concern colouring my slightly slurred voice.
"Nope, feels normal to me."
"Can you even feel Sakumo's chakra?" I ask in disbelief, I can't believe my friend doesn't feel the same strangeness I feel.
"Um…I don't know. I feel someone's chakra. Don't know if it's Sakumo's or Kakashi's, they're almost the same strength anyways. But it's definitely only one person's chakra."
"So whose is it? Kakashi's or Sakumo's? Something's off here, something doesn't feel right. I think I'm going to go investigate."
"Don't bother Shikaku. What happens in that household isn't your problem to deal with. Don't try to fix that fucked up family, just leave them to themselves."
"I can't just leave here, not now. Something is wrong and I'm going to find out what. You can leave if you want but I'm going in that house."
"Fine, go, but I'm leaving. I'll see you tomorrow then. Just don't do anything stupid and get yourself killed. The Hatake's might not be the most mentally sane family in Konoha but Sakumo or Kakashi could probably kill you in a second if you piss them off. So be careful."
"Yah, whatever. See yah tomorrow," I wave him off and he stumbles down the street. I watch for a few minutes until he turns a corner and leaves my field of vision.
I turn back to the Hatake house and take a deep breath. Why am I doing this? I don't even know either of the Hatake's; in fact I'm usually terrified of both of them. But right now I'm not afraid of them; right now I have this weird feeling that neither of them are going to be in any condition to fight me. How I know this is beyond me, I just do.
Hatake Sakumo is a disgraced ninja of Konoha. Could he really have done what I have a feeling he did? Could he really have committed seppuku in an attempt to end his pain and repair his broken reputation? Could he really abandon his son? The son who needs him; the son who will probably fall into disgrace himself if he doesn't have anyone to lead him, any family left to care for him.
I sigh and walk up to the door with heavy footsteps. Knocking on the door I wait, not breathing, for an answer.
But none comes.
Should I walk into this house without an invite? Without anyone to show me where to go? After all, this is the house of a renowned Jounin, not to mention the Hatake household. It wouldn't be too far fetched to think that there might be traps of some sort, something to protect the young child living here when the father was incapable of protecting him.
Not that Kakashi really needs anything to protect him anyways.
I slowly push open the door and it swings open. I stand in silence for a few minutes but nothing happens. I step inside and close the door behind me, it squeaks a little bit before clicking shut. Still nothing happens. I hold my breath, put my instincts on high alert, and take a few more steps into the front room.
Nothing happens.
I sigh with relief and take a deep breath, trying to settle my growing nerves. It's almost completely dark, the only light coming from the street lamps outside and the dull glow of a light from down the hall. A few more wary steps and I cross the front room. I enter the hall and walk further down it, passing doors on either side. I reach the top of a small set of stairs, the light coming from the room at the bottom of the steps. I take a deep breath and descend slowly, waiting for a trap that I now know will probably not come.
I reach the bottom and pause for a few moments, letting my eyes adjust to the blinding light. As I wait I listen to the soft sounds of sobbing.
Sobbing isn't a good sign.
Slowly the room comes into focus and the scene unfolds before me. I had thought this was what had happened but even though I had prepared myself for this it was still a shock. It was still not what I had expected.
Oh, I knew there would be blood, I knew it would stink something fierce; I knew he would be dead. But what I hadn't accounted for was the reaction of the child.
I just stand, frozen, looking at the child, looking at the Genius Kakashi, already a Chuunin, already a killer.
He was sitting, knees hugged into his chest, face buried into his knees, rocking back and forth.
Sobbing.
Blood soaked the carpet of the small study, blood soaked the kids clothes, soaked his hands, it was even in his silver hair. A katana lay an arm's reach away from the kid, blood covered it too. But Sakumo's head, neck, and shoulders were unmarred and still intact. He obviously had died from the disembowelment.
I fought the vicious urge to wretch, already present from all the alcohol I'd consumed earlier that evening.
How did no one notice? How did no one hear? Had Sakumo been completely silent the whole time? Was that even possible? I'm quite sure seppuku is probably painful, the whole removing your internal organs doesn't sound like a fun, enjoyable thing to do.
Had Kakashi been asked to be the kaishakunin? Had Sakumo really asked his own son to behead him? If that isn't a sign of someone sick in the head then I don't know what is.
I take a deep breath, the smell of blood and gore assaults my senses but I force myself to ignore it. Now is not the time to deal with the body; now the young child comes first.
I walk forward and kneel in front of Kakashi, the sticky blood soaks into my pants but I barely notice it.
"Kakashi?" I whisper, effectively preventing my voice from shaking or slurring.
The child raises his gray eyes and stares at me. Tears flow freely down his face but he quickly wipes them away with the back of his hand. It was a pretty pointless thing to do though because new tears wet his face almost immediately after.
"I tried…I really did try," he murmurs out, voice cracking.
How long had he been here, how long ago did this happen? I'm still shocked that no one heard, still shocked that Sakumo would do this in front of his son.
"Come on," I whisper in the best caring voice I could muster. The voice I used to use at the academy when I had to help teach the young children, "Let's go see the Hokage, okay?"
"Sensei?" he chokes out.
I nod and smile reassuringly at the kid. I stand up and offer my hand to him. He isn't a blood thirsty monster after all; he's still just a little kid, despite his own best efforts to appear otherwise.
He takes my hand and I pull him up to a standing position. I loosen my grip and start to pull my hand away but he closes his own hand tighter, prevents me from letting go. I look down at him but he's not looking at me, he's looking at his father's body.
"Let's go," I say, trying to make my voice neutral and non-judgmental.
But he doesn't move. He just stands there. I decide to just wait for him to move when he's ready.
We wait for a long time, I don't know how long because I don't keep track but I know it's a long time. Still he doesn't move, still he just stares at his father.
"Kakashi?" I gently probe.
The kid turns his head and stares at the ground. I take a step and he follows suit. Together we walk across the study, up the stairs, down the hall, and into the front room. The faint sunlight of dawn shines through the windows and I realize that I was either here for an incredibly long time or it had been later than I thought it was when I left the bar. We walk to the door and I pull it open. Kakashi raises his head and looks out to the street slowly filling up with people making their way to work, or school, or wherever else they're going. I look down at him and he wipes his face and eyes with the back of his right hand but I don't think it really helps. He's still sniffing and choking back sobs. He returns his eye focus to the ground.
I step through the door and out of the house, he follows suit but his left hand grasps my right hand even harder. Why was he attaching himself to me so much? I don't even know him and he doesn't even know me. And after today we'll probably go right back to not acknowledging each other's existence.
And I thought I knew everything.
We walk in silence, people stare, especially the ninjas. It's not often that Kakashi is seen with anyone other than his father or Yondaime; yet here he is, not just walking with me but holding my hand. Not just being seen with me but being seen with me covered in his father's blood and silently crying. I wonder how many will make the connection? I wonder how many will figure out what happened?
We walk in silence, the sun slowly rising, the people staring. I don't pay attention to anything but the path; I don't take in the details of my surroundings. I try to ignore everyone and everything and just focus on getting Kakashi to Yondaime. If anyone can help the kid right now it's the Hokage.
And it's definitely not me.
Before I know it we're at the Hokage's door and I knock two times. I didn't notice when we passed through security or when we walked up the stairs but we did and now we're here.
"Come in," I hear Yondaime call out from inside, in his ever cheerful voice.
I push the door open and walk in. Kakashi still grasping my hand, still staring at the ground, still sniffing ever so slightly. The Hokage is staring out his window, back facing us. He doesn't see us.
"What brings you here Shikaku? So early in the morning?" Yondaime asks with a small chuckle.
"Sensei?" Kakashi whispers, his voice dry and cracking, his hand grasping mine even tighter.
"Kakashi?" Yondaime asks, worry colouring his voice as he turns around to look at us, "What…what happened to you two?"
The confusion and shock appear with great speed on his face at the sight of both of us standing there, blood soaking some of my clothes and almost all of Kakashi's.
Kakashi releases his grip on my hand and his own hand falls to his side. The three of us just stand there; the Hokage seems to be in complete shock. It was only a few seconds but it seemed more like a few long minutes.
"My…fa…father," Kakashi manages to choke out. He sounds like he's barely holding back sobs, barely holding on to the last thread of control he has.
"I'll speak to you later Hokage," I state. I don't wait for a response; I just turn around and start to leave.
"Wait."
I pause in the doorway at the Hokage's voice. Hand on the doorknob, ready to close the door behind me.
"What happened?"
I can hear the muffled sobs of the kid from where I'm standing. The Yondaime must have hugged Kakashi but I don't want to turn around to see. I have an image of Kakashi in my head, and it's an image I don't feel needs to be changed anytime soon.
"Shikaku?" The Fourth Hokage presses me.
"Seppuku," I whisper before quickly walking out, shutting the door silently behind me.
Shutting out the sobs; shutting out the memory.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sounds of commotion from inside Kakashi's apartment shake me out of my memory and I turn around quickly. The sun is higher in the sky now. How long have we been here? I didn't pay attention. I know I can't underestimate this situation, I know the Hokage is trusting me to not let my own blind trust get in the way of this mission.
Even though I know this I still have a sinking feeling that I won't live up to the Hokage's expectations.
I focus my chakra, trying to sense where everyone is on the other side of the door and I realize, almost too late, that Kakashi is about to reach the door, about to escape. Quickly, with the speed of years of training, I collect my shadow beneath me and send it under the door. I sigh with relief as I sense Kakashi's chakra become ensnared within my jutsu and I can now sense his body as if it were part of my own. I have caught him, but now comes the difficult part.
Calmly I walk to the door and open it. I enter Kakashi's apartment and shut the door behind me.
"The Hokage requests that you come now, he doesn't wish to make everyone wait any longer," I state, making my voice calm and bored. But inside I'm shaking; inside I know I almost fucked up this mission by not paying attention.
"Bastard," Kakashi angrily mutters at me, "When did you get here?"
"Just now," I lie, "I wouldn't be here unless the Hokage sent me, I'm not too inclined to get you pissed off and get myself murdered. I like living; its semi fun, not that you would really know."
I don't know why I lied, maybe because I felt like I just got here? I store that piece of information, that weird spur-of-the-moment behavior, in the back of my mind so that I can think about it later and figure out why I did it.
Kakashi makes no response, not even a flicker of movement in his face or eyes; nothing to even acknowledge that he heard me.
I blink and for a second Kakashi's face is replaced with his tear-streaked face from eighteen years ago. Does he resent me for being the one to find him? For being the one to see him first? I don't know, I've never asked, and I know I will never ask him. After that day we went back to not acknowledging each other's presence. I blink again and his face returns to his present face, the tear-streaked child face is gone now.
Even today, even now, we barely talk to each other, barely look at each other, barely acknowledge each other. It's like some sort of unspoken promise between us, some sort of unspoken law. I've never brought up that day to anyone, never talked about what happened and what I saw except to the Fourth Hokage.
Actually, that's a lie. After the Fourth Hokage died I told the Third Hokage about that day and what I saw. I thought he deserved to know what happened from me, my account, not just what Yondaime had told him. I can sense a slight stinging in Kakashi's arm and know that it's easily twenty times worse for him as it is for me. How he's able to remain conscious and coherent enough to effect any type of escape astounds me yet again. It seems even in this psychotic state, his genius instincts are functioning normally.
"Kurenai, why don't you actually do something?" I speak up, turning my head to make eye contact with her, "Go to the bathroom, find a medic kit, and bandage Kakashi's cuts before he bleeds all over his apartment," I return my eye contact to Kakashi and address him, "You do have a medic kit, right?"
"Yes," he responds in a flat tone.
I listen to Kurenai's footsteps as she walks to the bathroom, I listen to her rummaging through the bathroom as she looks for the medic kit, I listen as she slowly walks back to Kakashi.
And the whole time I keep my eyes focused on Kakashi's, except they're not really focused because though I'm looking at Kakashi, I'm really trying to look through him. I've already seen the blank, unemotional, cold, and confused look that shines in Kakashi's eyes today and I don't want to see it again. It's just like what I saw eighteen years ago; the pain in his eyes, the sadness, the grief. All the same except this time there aren't any tears, this time there aren't any sobs, this time there isn't any acceptance. There's a saying that the eyes are the windows to the soul.
There's nothing truer.
Kurenai reaches Kakashi's side and opens up the small medic kit. I raise my right arm and turn it so that my forearm and palm are facing up. I watch as Kakashi's own right arm copies mine.
I watch in silence as Kurenai does her job and cleans and bandages Kakashi's cuts. The sun shines faintly behind me and shadows dance oddly across the floor of the room. I try not to focus on the floor, or the walls, or any other part of Kakashi's apartment. I don't want to see what he's done; I don't want to get too involved. I'll do my part, I'll leave, and I'll never talk or acknowledge that this day ever happened. Just like eighteen years ago.
It's easier to forget then most people would think. Well, that's actually a lie because you never really forget. You just layer over the memory with happier memories, nicer memories. You bury the bad ones, pretend they're not there. I guess that's what drives people insane in the end. I guess that's what has fucked Kakashi up so much. But it probably gets harder to do the more bad memories you get, and since I don't have an incredible huge amount of guilt and memories I'd rather forget I can afford to just bury the bad ones. People like Kakashi, people who've suffered far too much than they are equipped to deal with, can't afford to just bury the bad ones. Else they just end up like this.
But what is this?
"Kakashi," Kurenai's voice breaks through my thoughts, "When's the last time you ate anything? You look far too thin."
Gai's face reveals his shock and I look at him quizzically. More for the fact that I just noticed his presence over the fact that he's shocked over Kurenai's question. I turn my focus to Kurenai and send her a quizzical look but she doesn't even pay attention to me, or anyone else for that matter.
"I don't know," Kakashi finally replies after the silence has stretched on for a few minutes, "It's also none of your business. I can take care of myself. I am an adult you know."
I sigh in my head, "Kakashi," I speak up, ignoring what just conspired, "If I release the Kage Shibari will you try to get away again?"
What the fuck am I doing? Didn't the Hokage specifically tell me not to underestimate the situation? Didn't he tell me to make sure I don't let my blind trust get in the way?
No matter what I do, what I think about, I can't get the image of Kakashi from eighteen years ago out of my head. I can't shake that memory; I can't push it out of my mind. It's almost as if I subconsciously think that getting Kakashi out of my sight, out of my immediate surroundings, will get the memory out of my head.
Or maybe it's just the fact that I'm blindly trusting Kakashi, maybe it's just the fact that no matter what I will still trust Kakashi with my life.
I don't think that's a particularly good thing.
Faintly I see Asuma shake his head at me and mouth the word "No" but I just ignore him. I know he's the mission leader, I know what he's thinking is correct, more rational than my thinking. But right now I don't care; right now I just want out of here with the least amount of trouble.
Besides, if I did this with Kakashi eighteen years ago I can do it again, right?
A small voice in the back of my mind reminds me that eighteen years ago Kakashi was eight, not twenty-six.
"No," he answers in that flat tone, "You guys win, I can't defeat you all."
I believe him, and I don't know why. I trust him even though I know that I shouldn't. I trust him even though every rational part of my brain is screaming at me not to. Maybe it's just that I want so badly to trust and believe that he'll come back to us; that somewhere in that screwed up head of his, he still WANTS to come back.
I banish the thought of any other alternative, it's too painful to think about right now.
Fuck. This whole trust and sort-of-friends-but-not and sort-of-understanding thing is really screwing with my brain and the way I'm dealing with this. I didn't think it would be this hard.
I release the Kage Shibari and watch, holding my breath, for some drastically dramatic murderous rampage to commence. But nothing happens.
It's always like this with Kakashi, nothing happens when you expect it to happen but something always happens at the one time you drop your guard. The one time you let your attention slip just a tiny bit.
Asuma walks past Gai, past Kurenai, and stands beside Kakashi, slightly behind him. I watch as he puts his right hand on Kakashi's left shoulder and says, "Come on Kakashi, let's go."
Kakashi nods, Asuma starts to walk past him, and I relax with relief.
I hear a crash and I look over my left shoulder, towards the offending sound, and see a broken window and Kakashi is no where in sight.
"Fuck!" Asuma yells and I look over to where Kakashi had just been standing.
I see Asuma doubled over in pain and clutching his stomach. I guess Kakashi got him with something. Probably a kunai, knowing Kakashi's choice of weapons.
Kurenai runs over to his side, kneels down beside him, and asks with concern colouring her voice, "Are you okay"
"I'm fine," he grunts out rather angrily, "Gai, go follow Kakashi! Get him before he kills someone!"
I turn to look at Gai and he nods, runs over to the broken window, and jumps through it. Can Gai deal with Kakashi by himself? I don't think he really can but there's not much I can do about it right now.
"See! I told you not to release the Kage Shibari. This is where your fucking trust got us!" Asuma yells at me, his anger growing with every word he says; every breath he takes.
"I didn't think…I trusted him," I stammered in a weak attempt at defending my inexcusable actions.
I've never known Kakashi, never known how to deal with him. If only this was eight year old Kakashi, then I would know what to do, then I would no how to act and how to deal with him.
Too bad it's not eight year old Kakashi; too bad Father Time has just kept on trudging along all these years and dragging Kakashi behind him.
"Didn't I tell you not to trust him? He's not Kakashi! All of you are blinded by your faith and your belief that he won't actually hurt us. Well you guys are wrong! There are team leaders for a reason; you're supposed to listen to them even if you don't agree with them!" Asuma continues yelling, but now it's not just directed at me but it's also direct at Kurenai.
I know he's right, I know he's better equipped at this then I am. The Hokage was right in making Asuma the team leader. He's the best at putting aside his emotions and dealing with Kakashi as if he's someone else.
And yet it's Asuma that knows Kakashi best. It's Asuma who is Kakashi's only friend.
That's sort of fucked up; in its own fucked up way.
Asuma sighs in frustration, "It doesn't matter now, let's just go."
"But Asuma…" Kurenai starts to protest.
He interrupts her, "I'm fine Kurenai. I've survived worse and I've fought with worse. Let's just stop Kakashi before he fucks over himself and someone else."
Kurenai nods, Asuma straightens up, and they walk over to the window. I start to follow them but the sun reflects off of something shiny and I turn my head to focus on the distraction. It's Kakashi's forehead protector lying on the floor a few feet away. I start to walk over to it but change my mind, realizing that I shouldn't worry about it and should just follow Asuma's orders.
Besides, if Kakashi wants to waste his Chakra by leaving his Sharingan uncovered and activated then I'm not going to interfere. It's probably better too, makes him weaker, and just a tiny bit easier to deal with.
I walk over to the window and jump out, landing on the balcony behind Asuma and Kurenai, and the three of us jump of the railing at the same time. Landing on the grass three stories below; crouched behind Gai.
"I give him a minute before he passes out," I faintly hear Gai say as I land on the grass that's still wet from the morning's dew.
The four of us straighten up at the same time and I look into Kakashi's eyes. They're glazed over and he does look like he's going to pass out. He's also missing that blank, grief filled stare that I detest so much.
And even though he looks like he's going to pass out I know he's not. He's a Genius, give him a few minutes and he'll return to his psychotic, murderous self. How exciting.
He blinks a few times and I see his eyes regain their focus. I quickly look away, not wanting to see that blank, cold, guilt ridden stare anymore. I've seen enough of it today to last me for many years. Instead I focus on the Third Hokage, who is focusing on Kakashi.
Well, this mission was a fucking failure. Sorry Sandaime, I didn't really listen to anything you told me yesterday. I didn't think I would meet your expectations earlier and now I know that I didn't meet your expectations. Hope you don't mind too much because now you get to fix our fuck up.
Besides, this whole thing was your plan from the beginning so it's only right that you get to deal with it.
"I'm sorry Kakashi," I hear the Hokage faintly say but I turn my attention to two birds building a nest, he continues in a guilt filled whisper, "I would've left you alone if I could've but we need you at this meeting. Can you please come? And can you pleas stop trying to murder everyone who's trying to help you?"
Time stretches on but I just continue to watch the two birds, not really paying attention to the others. I didn't want to be a part of this mission from the beginning. I knew this was a horrible plan from the beginning. And I know it's not over yet, I know there's still the rest of this stupid day left.
"Fine Sarutobi," Kakashi whispers in response after a very long, and very silent, passage of time.
"I'm sorry," he murmurs, barely audible above the singing birds, whispering wind, and my own distracted thoughts.
I return my attention to Kakashi and I watch as he drops his gaze to the ground and refuses to look at anyone. At least he seems somewhat calmer now; at least someone was able to do something.
I wonder where this day will be placed on Kakashi's list of not-so-great-and-want-to-forget memories. I can only guess.
And in the end that's the only thing I can ever do with Kakashi; guess.
After all these years, after everything I've seen, I still know no more about Kakashi than I did eighteen years ago. I still understand nothing about him and what he goes through everyday.
And I'll just keep on guessing.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kaishakunin: is an appointed second whose duty is to behead one who has committed seppuku at the moment of agony. ßßß Thanks wikipedia!
Seppuku: is a form of Japanese ritual suicide by disembowelment. In the world of the warrior it is a deed of bravery that was admirable in a samurai who knew he was defeated, disgraced, or mortally wounded. It meant that he could end his days with his transgressions wiped away and with his reputation not merely intact but actually enhanced. ßßß Thanks wikipedia! Again!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Author's Notes: Sarutobi's chapter is the only one left. Then the sequel! This chapter was a relief to write, actual new material in this one, which was incredible enjoyable to think up and write down. Hope you all like!
IMPORTANT: I will not be updating this story until mid-June (possible late-June). For more details please see my profile...I've explained why in my profile. I'm really, really, really sorry! I hope none of you hate me now or anything.