Black Day
Summary: Those haunting eyes again, will they ever truly disappear? Or will Kakashi harbor them for the rest of his life? It's a question I just can't answer right now. / What does Kakashi's Black Day means to himself and his friends? What's the reason behind it and why does he change so much?
Genre: Angst
Rating: T
Author's Notes: This is it…the last chapter. I want to thank everyone who has read so far, everyone who has left reviews, and everyone who has patiently stuck by and waited for this last chapter. I'm glad you guys (and gals!) liked this story. The sequel has been started but I don't know when I will post it…just don't hold your breath. I'm hoping to have it up soon but I'm horrible with schedules, especially right now because I'm unbelievably busy with dance and auditions and performances and stuff like that. And since this story took like nine bazillion years to finish don't hold your breath waiting for the next story else you will most likely die if you do. Unless you can hold your breathe for nine bazillion years…then you'll be fine.
Disclaimer: Naruto is not mine. I do not own Naruto. Me not own Naruto. Get it yet?.
Please R&R…Thanks!
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Twenty-six, at twenty-six years old he's lost control. At twenty-six he's lost all hope. At twenty-six, when he finally has something to really live for he's fallen.
Yet I'm not surprised.
Somehow, in the back of my mind, I always knew that this would happen. I always knew that as soon as Kakashi would pass a Genin team he would fall; as soon as Kakashi began to get attached to anyone he would slowly kill himself in hopes of preventing himself from failing his newly passed team.
He's never been good with working with others, he's never been good with training others, and he's never been good with patience.
I knew this all and yet I still insisted he become a Jounin-sensei, I still believed that having the responsibility of a Genin team would help break him from his shell. I still believed that somewhere inside of Kakashi he wanted to break out of his shell; he wanted to trust others and work with others.
But I guess trying to believe and trying to help is better than just giving up. Because giving up on Sakumo didn't help Konoha and it didn't help Kakashi.
And it's not like all hope is lost. He's just stumbled a little, we can still help him. I have to believe that I can help him; I have to believe that he's not too far gone.
"Sandaime, when will they be here?" Genma speaks up.
I lift my distracted gaze from the small crystal ball and sweep my eyes over the occupants of the room, all Jounin sitting on the floor and waiting.
"I don't know," I reply with a sigh, returning my gaze to the crystal ball, "I was hoping they'd be here by now but by the looks of it, it seems that they might need some help."
"Why do we have to wait for him?" Hayate asks angrily, "Why do we always have to wait for him?"
He coughs and I sigh once again.
"Very well," I begin, "If you are all so impatient to get this meeting over with then I will go myself to get Kakashi."
I push my chair back and stand up. I sweep my hand over the crystal ball and the image it was showing disappears so that no one else will be able to see what I was just watching.
"Do not leave and do not make any sudden movements when I get back. You all know what day it is today and you all know how Kakashi will be. Do not get him angry," I smile at them reassuringly and turn around.
Quickly I walk through a back door, only available for use by the Hokage.
I begin my journey to Kakashi's apartment, knowing very well what I've gotten this village into and how the others are dealing with Kakashi.
I walk, I think, and I remember.
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/Flashback/
I hear a quite knock on my door and Yondaime's voice, "Sandaime?"
"Come in," I answer, not removing my focus from the scroll I was reading.
I hear the door open and two people walk in. The door quietly shuts behind them
Someone's crying.
I lift my gaze from the scroll and quickly stand up at the sight before me. I hide my concern and shock, knowing it won't help the situation.
"What may I do for you two?" I ask, smiling reassuringly at the sniffling Hatake; the Hatake wearing clothes soaked with blood.
I have a feeling I know what happened. When no one responds I turn my focus to Yondaime.
"Sakumo?" I whisper.
Yondaime nods and that's all I need to know.
"Do you think you could temporarily fill in as Hokage for a couple of days?" he asks me quietly.
"Of course," I respond with a smile, "I'll be happy to do so."
"Thank you," the Fourth Hokage replies with a grateful smile.
I return my gaze to Kakashi and sadly smile at the young child, "I'm sorry."
The child shakes his head, "Don't be," he chokes out, "It's my fault. If it's anyone's fault it's mine. I…I couldn't stop him. I tried but I couldn't," he sniffles, "I'm sorry."
"Kakashi," Yondaime whispers, kneeling beside the child and turning Kakashi's head to face him, "Don't say such things. This wasn't your fault; there was nothing you could do to stop this. You mustn't believe that you caused this because you didn't."
"Of course I did!" Kakashi yells in anger, "I could've stopped him! I know it! If I wasn't such a failure he would've stayed for me! He would've lived for me!"
"Kakashi," I whisper, taking a step forward, "Yondaime's right…"
"I couldn't even end his pain!" Kakashi's interrupts while turning around to face me, "I wasn't even strong enough to be he's kaishakunin! What kind of Shinobi am I if I couldn't even end my father's pain?"
Fresh tears escape the young child's eyes and flow down his face, "I couldn't…" he trails of in a mere whisper.
"Kakashi…"
"Don't!" Kakashi screams at his sensei.
The child twists away from Yondaime and bolts out of room. We both stand there and listen to him as his footsteps fade out of hearing range.
"Take as long as you need and don't leave him alone. If you need me to watch him at any time then I will gladly do so."
The Fourth Hokage sadly nods, realizing how hard this is going to be for all of us. Especially now: in the middle of a war.
"He should stay at your place for awhile," I continue.
"I was thinking the same thing," he whispers, "If you need me just send for me, else don't expect to see me for awhile."
I nod and watch as the Fourth Hokage walks through the door and follows his young student.
This is going to be hard on us all.
I return to my desk and get out a plain piece of paper to begin organizing the preparations for Hatake Sakumo's funeral.
I find it hard to believe that Konoha's White Fang is dead
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I take a deep breath, allowing the freshness of the morning to assault my senses and clear my mind, or at least attempt to clear my mind.
I walk down the familiar roads to enter the less familiar roads of Kakashi's neighbourhood. It always pains me to walk in this part of Konoha. It seems that no matter how hard I try or what I do it never helps this neighbourhood. Too many people suffer here and beg me for help, yet when I offer it they never accept it.
Some people are just too stubborn for their own good.
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/Flashback/
I raise my head at the sound of knocking on my door. Puzzled as to why someone would dare come here so soon after the battle I quietly reply, "Enter."
The door squeaks open and in walks a young silver-haired Jounin, the only silver-hair Jounin in all of Konoha. His clothes are still soaked with blood but that's not what bothers me. What bothers me is the haunting look in his eyes and the mental anguish that radiates from him.
And I know why, my God do I know why. I had hoped that this young shinobi would never have to face such pain again but alas, the Gods have decided against my wishes.
I stand up from my desk and walk over to the prodigy, walk over to the child thrust into this war far too soon. He watches me; mismatched red and gray eyes pierce into me and follow my every step. I cross the small distance from my desk to where he stands and place my left hand on his right shoulder, his shaking right shoulder.
His eyes glisten with unshed tears and he just stares at me, it seems that this young child cannot speak. It seems that this death has hit harder than any other but that doesn't really surprise me. What surprises me is that this death came so soon, far sooner then anyone in Konoha had ever imagined.
I watch as tears unwillingly break through his barrier and slide down his face, I watch as he just stares at me. Unmoving, uncaring, and yet in his eyes I see so much shame at the same time.
And all I can do his hug him. Hug him and watch as my own tears fall into his silver, blood-stained hair.
I can't say anything to ease his pain for anything I say would simply be lies and false hope. How can I help this child heal his soul when I haven't healed my own yet?
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I blink myself out of my memories and try to focus on where I'm going and what I'm suppose to be doing.
But I can't shake the past out of my head, it just keeps coming back.
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/Flashback/
I stand in silence, the wind whistles through the nearby trees, and I watch the only shinobi left in Team Yondaime place three white flowers in front of his sensei's picture. It doesn't take a brain surgeon to figure out that one flower is Kakashi's own; one is from the deceased Rin, and one is from the deceased Obito.
He doesn't cry.
I don't think he has anymore tears left to cry, I think he's spent them all already. And I can't help but feel that this child will never truly recover from this death. Had it been only Rin who had died in the battle then I think Kakashi would've been fine in due time.
But it wasn't just Rin, it's also Yondaime. The Yondaime; Fourth Hokage to the Hidden Village of Leaves, Jounin-sensei to one of the greatest child prodigy's to ever be born in Konoha.
He's dead.
And I have a foreboding feeling that this is going to break Kakashi and there isn't much I can do to help. Yondaime was the only person Kakashi still trusted, the only person he could still talk to. I'm uncertain whether he will fully open up to me.
I guess all I can do now is wait; wait and hope he accepts help from me. But since he's exactly like his father I have a sinking feeling that he won't accept any help from anyone. Stubbornness runs in that family.
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I take a deep breath and realize that I'm almost at Kakashi's apartment. I need to calm down and stop thinking of the past and start focusing on the present but I can't seem too. I have a feeling that Kakashi is going to break today, again, and I thank God that I've place ANBU around Konoha to protect the civilians.
Today is going to be a long day.
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/Flashback/
It's a miracle this kid is still alive. It's miracle I'm standing here watching him breathing.
A standard-issued suicide drink, kept in a small, easily breakable glass container and worn around the neck on a string. Meant to be used incase of capture by the enemy; not for a fourteen-year-old genius shinobi to attempt to kill himself with.
I can only thank God that he didn't try to gut himself with a katana. That would've been a lot harder to fix, if not impossible.
I can't say I'm surprised.
All I can do is stand here and wait, stand and watch as every breath he takes fogs up the breathing mask keeping him alive.
Stand and wait, stand and hope he wakes up from this coma. I find it hard to believe he would do this so soon, that he didn't even attempt to get help. The funeral was only a couple hours ago, the battle less than twenty-four hours ago. Yet here he lies.
And the doctor's say he may never wake up again, or he might wake up at any time. They don't know and they can't say. But they do know that whenever he wakes up, if he wakes up, that he'll need to be put on twenty-four hour watch for an indefinite amount of time.
I should've put him on watch yesterday. None of this would've happened if I had just been thinking straight yesterday.
I can't help but feel guilty, first his father and now him. What have I been doing wrong? Why does it seem that I can't break through the Hatake barrier and actually help the two shinobis in all of Konoha that have needed my help the most?
I promised Sakumo that I would take care of Kakashi for him, I promised him. Yet here his son lays, on his deathbed, and I could've prevented this if I just had my head screwed on straight and thought properly about things yesterday.
I got too caught up in my own emotional pain and forgot about how this would affect others; especially Kakashi. He's life has already been shattered before, why does it seem that some unseen force wishes this young Jounin too suffer even more?
I'll be amazed if he lives to see his eighteenth birthday.
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But he did live to see his eighteenth birthday, and eight more after that. To think he's made it this far only to break once more, unbelievable really. I've yet to fully penetrate his protective barrier and get him to completely trust me. I've always believed that that will come with time, but is time running out?
All those years ago I promised Sakumo that I would protect his son. Have I failed that promise?
Some days, like today, I believe I have; others I think that I haven't. But what would define success? What did Sakumo really intend for me to do when he asked me his finally favor?
I've finally reach the outside of Kakashi's apartment. I look up and I can easily see Shikaku resting against the balcony outside Kakashi's door. The rest have gone in, I know that already.
Unwillingly my mind wanders down the path to the past yet again.
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/Flashback/
Seven days, I've been sitting here, in this same chair, for seven days. Seven days of waiting for Kakashi to wake from this self-induced coma.
Seven days of tired pain, one full week of emotional destruction.
It took seven days for any sign of life. At first it had been a small moan a few minutes ago, a moan I thought I had imagined.
A few seconds ago it was a louder moan.
And now I watch as the child prodigy, the son of Hatake Sakumo blinks a few times and returns to the world of the living.
He lays there for a few silent seconds, lays there and stares at the ceiling while taking deep breaths. Breaths that fog up his breathing mask that's been keeping him alive.
The silver-haired Jounin turns his head and his eyes pierce into mine. Eyes full of pain and confusion. Quietly he reaches up and pulls of his breathing mask, breathing in fresh air for the first time in a week.
His eyes never leave mine.
"I guess it just wasn't meant to be," he whispers, barely audible above the beeping of the machine monitoring his heart.
I nod, unable to speak for the relief of seeing this young child alive chokes me and steals the words from my throat.
"Please tell me it was a nightmare…please Sarutobi, tell me it was all a nightmare. Tell me that Rin and Yondaime are still alive…" the child chokes out, his voice breaking with every word, "Please…"
All the while his piercing eyes never leave mine. And all I can do is shake my head.
Kakashi just shakes his head back, "Please…just tell me their still alive…I don't care if it's a lie just please…I…I…please…just lie…"
"Kakashi, you know I can't…"
"Please! Just fucking lie!" He's barrier completely shatters and the tears start falling.
"Kakashi…" I whisper, standing up and taking the few steps to his bed. I sit down on the edge and pull the child up into a hug. I can feel his tears soaking my clothes and I try so hard to block out his quiet sobs but I just can't manage too.
"I'm sorry," the child mutters quietly.
"For what?" I ask, allowing a hint of confusion to enter my voice.
"I didn't…I didn't really mean for this to happen…I don't really want to die. I…I just…just wanted to pain to go away. I…I just wanted to…to pretend it never…never happened…" Kakashi manages to explain between his quiet sobs.
"I understand Kakashi," I reply, trying to comfort him, "Just promise me this Kakashi,"
"What?" he whispers, pushing away from my hug to look at me with those haunting eyes of his.
I sadly smile at him, "Promise me that you'll talk to me, that you'll trust me. Promise me you'll come to me if you need to talk, if you need help with anything. No matter what it's about or when, just promise me."
He nods and whispers, "I promise."
I pull him into a hug once more and we stay there for some undetermined amount of time; the only sound coming from Kakashi's quiet sobs and the beeping of the monitoring machine.
"I've always trusted you," the silver-haired Jounin mutters quietly and I can't help but smile.
He may just make it through this after all.
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I'm rudely shaken out of my memories by the sounds of someone landing in front of me. I blink and recognize the intruder immediately,
"Kakashi?" I ask, trying to get the shinobi's attention.
He freezes in his crouched position, but after a few seconds he looks up to stare at me.
Those haunting eyes again, will they ever truly disappear? Or will Kakashi harbor them for the rest of his life?
It's a question I just can't answer right now.
"Attacking your teammates again?" I ask quietly, noticing the blood that covers his right hand.
I watch as the silver-haired Jounin looks down to his hand and confusion flashes across his face, but it's quickly gone; hidden behind his carefully placed emotional and mental walls.
What happened to that promise Kakashi? Why do you not trust me anymore?
I watch as he stands up slowly, wavering slightly. He squints at me, those haunting eyes are glazed over and I begin to worry even more. Which I didn't think was possible.
"You've pushed yourself too hard," I say, trying to keep my voice level and calm, "I was hoping you'd get to the meeting in one piece but it seems I was hoping for too much. I guess I should send more than four Jounins next time."
I shrug but I don't really know why, "You really should try to take care of yourself better around this time of year. From the looks of it you haven't eaten much in the last month or so, you're wasting away. Your body doesn't have the strength to keep going. And you really should have your Sharingan covered; it's using too much of your Chakra."
I don't know why I was saying this; to waste time maybe? I really don't know. Kakashi knows everything I'm telling him, Kakashi's a genius; he understands this.
"I give him a minute before he passes out," Gai says has he lands behind Kakashi. If Kakashi was a normal shinobi I would agree with Gai.
But Kakashi's not a normal shinobi, never has been and never will be. I know that in a few minutes time the silver-haired Jounin's body will kick into its next gear, it always does. It seems that Kakashi's body never runs out of gears to shift to, no matter how long he forces it past its limits.
He's body doesn't seem to have any limits, and that is very unnerving right now.
Kurenai, Asuma, and Shikaku land behind Gai and I watch as all four of them straighten up at the same time. My eyes get drawn to Asuma and his wound.
Explains the blood on Kakashi's hand.
I make eye contact with Asuma and nod slightly; I'm now taking over this mission. I didn't really expect them to be successful with this anyways. I hoped they would but I knew, even though I denied it, that they wouldn't be successful.
I return my sight to Kakashi, who has regained control of his body and his eyes have become clear and focused again.
Those haunting eyes, I'm really beginning to hate those eyes. I don't think it would be so bad if they weren't two different colours.
They're freaky really, even on normal days when they aren't filled with guilt, sadness, loneliness, despair, and shame. On completely normal days there's still something different about them, something off, something that's not quite the same as everyone else's eyes. There's always a lingering sadness in them, no matter how hard he tries to hide it its still there for anyone to see if they just look hard enough. There's a saying that the eyes are the window to the soul.
There's nothing truer.
"I'm sorry Kakashi," I begin, trying to keep my voice steady and level, "I would've left you alone if I could've but we need you at this meeting. Can you please come? And can you please stop trying to murder everyone who's trying to help you?"
He looks away and I breathe a small sign of relief. If he looks away I don't have to stare into those eyes, those eyes that seem to accuse me of so much and yet thank me for so much at the same time.
I wonder; does anyone understand Kakashi? Does Kakashi understand Kakashi? Will anyone ever truly break through his barrier and really learn who the real Kakashi is? Is there even a real Kakashi underneath all those lies and masks? Sometimes I don't think there is.
But there has to be, there just has to be.
"Fine Sarutobi," he whispers, breaking the eerie silence. He keeps his head turned, watching whatever it his he's watching, "I'm sorry."
I watch as he drops his gaze to the ground and doesn't look at anyone.
And I wonder, is it too late?
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Kaishakunin: is an appointed second whose duty is to behead one who has committed seppuku at the moment of agony. ßßß Thanks wikipedia!
Seppuku: is a form of Japanese ritual suicide by disembowelment. In the world of the warrior it is a deed of bravery that was admirable in a samurai who knew he was defeated, disgraced, or mortally wounded. It meant that he could end his days with his transgressions wiped away and with his reputation not merely intact but actually enhanced. ßßß Thanks wikipedia! Again!
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Author's Note: YAH! I finally finished this story! My God that took a long, long time. Thanks to everyone who stuck by me and who's been patiently waiting. THANK YOU!
Review! Review! REVIEW! I think this chapter is the shortest but it's my favourite. Do you know how hard this was for me to write? Major writer's block forever but then just one day my writer's block was gone and here I found myself, finishing this story. I can't believe I managed to finish it. /pats self on back/ My first story I've EVER finished. I'm stoked!
I hope you all liked it!
Please review…/begs/…please!