Disclaimer Ranma 1/2 is the property of Rumiko Takahashi and used without
permission, as are all other characters from whatever Manga/Anime they're
from.
You can find the rest of this story and others by Benji Delaski at http://lovesucks.topcities.com/
PART IX
Hospital Trust 2
Patients at Doctor Tofu's looked nervously at each over, wondering if Kasumi had popped by to visit. Judging from the yells they could hear, it would probably be a good idea to come back later.
"OWW!"
"Keep still, you idiot!" Ukyo growled. "How am I supposed to do this if you keep wriggling like a fish on a hook?"
Ryoga sighed and tried to keep still as Ukyo daubed antiseptic lotion on the cuts. Unfortunately, as any primary school kid will remind you, that stuff stings like hell. With a yelp of pain, Ryoga quickly moved his arm out of Ukyo's reach. She smacked him over the back of the head. "Keep still!"
"It HURTS!"
"If you kept still, it wouldn't hurt so much!" With more force than she needed, she grabbed his arm again and tried to clean up some of the cuts. Ryoga flinched and squeezed his eyes shut, but this time he didn't pull away. Ukyo smiled slightly. "Good boy."
"I'm not six years old," he muttered.
"Anyone would think you were with the fuss you're making," Ukyo retorted. Ryoga stuck his tongue out at her and she laughed. "Baby."
"I am _NOT_ a baby!" he protested, trying to sit up.
Ukyo placed a hand firmly on his chest and pushed him back. "Don't try to get up, you jackass. Your whole side is cut to ribbons."
"What a lovely nurse you'd make," he said sarcastically. "So kind, so caring, so gentle... OW! THAT STINGS!!!!"
"That just means it's working," Ukyo insisted.
"It still hurts though," he replied through gritted teeth.
"Wimp." She finished cleaning the slash marks on his chest and reached for the bottle of antiseptic. "I'll clean up your face now, OK?"
"You are NOT putting that stuff on my face!" Ryoga reached up and snatched the bottle away.
Ukyo made a grab for it and he tossed it from hand to hand, just out of her reach. "Come on, Ryoga! Give it back! I'm serious!"
"Promise not to use it on my face?"
Ukyo smiled a little. "I promise. But you're a wimp."
"I am not." Ryoga scowled at her. "I just don't like pain."
Ukyo relented and used warm water instead. "You know, you haven't actually told me what happened to you yet," she said casually.
There was a few moments of silence as Ryoga considered how on earth he was supposed to begin. "Well... Skuld taught me this mirror trick where you think of something that indicates your destination, then you end up there."
"Useful trick. Does that mean you'll be attending school more often?" she teased. "So, carry on."
"I was ...fighting Ranma... ow!"
"Serves you right. How many times have I told you not to pick on Ranchan?!" Ukyo scowled.
Ryoga glared at her. "He started it. He splashed me with cold water. Anyway, he threw me across the room and I landed on Tenchi."
Ukyo snapped her fingers. "Yes, Ryoko was telling me about that. And you vanished through the mirror. So where did you end up?"
"Well....I wanted to get some hot water so she'd understand and stop waving that glowing sword around. But just as I was leaving, I caught sight of Ranma out of the corner of my eye, and um.." Ryoga stopped. "Before I say the next bit, you promise you won't hit me again?"
Ukyo narrowed her eyes. "What did you think about Ranma?" she asked suspiciously.
"Do you promise?"
"OK. I promise I will not hit you."
"I thought something like 'vain, pigtailed idiot..."
*CLANG*
"OW!" Ryoga glared at her. "You promised!"
"I promised _I_ wouldn't hit you." She grinned. "And I didn't. The spatula did."
"Hmph." Ryoga crossed his arms. "You have no bedside manner, do you know that?"
"Oh, don't be such a baby. Tell me where you ended up."
"Some weirdo's bathroom. I must have knocked his arm while he was shaving or something and he cut his face. When I offered to get an ambulance or a doctor or something, he grabbed these metal claw things and slashed my side. OW! DON'T POKE IT, YOU IDIOT!"
Ukyo grinned a little. "Wimp. But that's gonna need stitches. So's your arm, probably. I assume that's from blocking this claw thing, right?"
Ryoga nodded. "I bet I could've beaten him if he hadn't taken me by surprise."
"Suuuuure you could," Ukyo nodded. "Whatever you say."
"I could!!"
There were a few moments of silence, before Ukyo piped up. "You said this mirror trick worked by thinking of something which indicated your destination, right?"
"Right."
"What were you thinking of when you came out of the mirror in the girls changing rooms?"
"Nothing," Ryoga said quickly, blushing a little.
"Liar. You just said you need to think of something that indicates your destination." Ukyo grinned as she outlined the logic. "So, what were you thinking of?"
Ryoga turned a bit pinker. "I don't have to tell you."
"Come on, tell me, you pervert!"
"I'm not a pervert!"
"You ended up in the girls changing rooms! Of course you're a pervert!"
Ryoga scowled. "I'm _not_ a pervert. You just happened to be in the girls changing rooms..."
"So you were thinking of me?" Ukyo was surprised to say the least.
Ryoga blushed. "Y-you? W-why would I be thinking of a violent, cross- dressing, tomboy like you?" he stammered nervously.
*CLANG*
"OWW!"
"JERK!!!"
*CLANG*CLANG*CLANG*CLANG*CLANG*CLANG*CLANG*CLANG*CLANG *CLANG*
Doctor Tofu poked his head around the door. "Ukyo, it's not really proper to beat patients unconscious with a spatula. I have anaesthetic for that."
~~~~~
Down in the deepest bowels of hell (no, seriously!), Satan was glaring at a few of his employees. "So, explain yourselves."
Omega glared at Morganan. "You first."
Morganan sighed. "Magical guy Makoto. He blasted me before I could even blink."
"Ha! You're just useless, that's all," Omega snarled. "At least I put up a fight!"
"He got you too! With the same attack and all!" They both turned to Morticus. "So how did you get defeated?"
Morticus glared at them. "I had Hibiki right where I wanted him. I was weakening him so the job could get done. But that bitch he lives with kept sealing me out each night after I'd played around a little. Then that little white witch turned up and started teaching him how to use his magic, then she goes and sticks a load of lucky charms around him."
"Didn't know lucky charms could have any effect on you," Omega said nonchalantly.
Morticus glared at him. "They don't, normally. But I decided I'd get rid of him - you know he's that Magical Guy, don't you?"
"Of course we know!" Morganan snapped.
Morticus continued. "Then that nasty little white witch and the Kuonji bitch woke up and chucked me out."
"You got cast out by a second class goddess?!"" Morganan and Omega laughed.
Morticus fumed. "It's not my fault! She cast a spell using the memory of that little cat we killed, and his mind took over!"
"You're just incompetent," Omega sneered.
Satan stepped forward before they could leap at each other's throats. "OK. So Hibiki's gotten stronger than we expected. Send a message to Jodie, tell him to take the Kuno chicks soul and wait a while before making his move. Let Percicus and Merdith wear him down, but wait a few days until he lets his guard down, you got that?"
The other three demons nodded and left the room. Satan sat down in his throne and continued to focus flames on the snowball in front of him, which still refused to melt.
~~~~~
Ryoga cast Ukyo the evilest look he felt he safely could, wincing at the pain in his head. *Violent tomboy,* he thought moodily, shifting the ice pack a little. *She didn't have to hit me so much! Well, _she_ can apologise to _me_ this time. And I'm not talking to her until she admits she was wrong!*
Ukyo pointedly ignored Ryoga and attempted to straighten out the dents in her spatula. *Jackass! How dare he call me a tomboy?! Well, I'm not saying _one_ word to him unless he apologises.*
Ryoga glanced around the room in search of a mirror. He wasn't one for vanity, but he wanted to see how badly he was cut up. There wasn't one in sight. *Damn.* He sighed. So much for not talking to Ukyo. "Hey, Uk-YO?" he asked, emphasising the fact that he wasn't calling her Ucchan at the moment.
Ukyo picked up a piece of paper, scribbled on it for a moment, then held it up for him to read. [I am not talking to you, you insensitive jerk.]
Ryoga shrugged. "Suits me. I have a bad enough headache already without having to listen to you whinge at me..." he said in an accusing tone.
*CLANG*
Ryoga grabbed the business end of the spatula and yanked it out of Ukyo's grip. "Would you quit hitting me whenever you get pissed off, you uncute, tomboy, maniac!!" he snapped angrily, tossing it across the room. "Jeez! I only wanted to ask if you knew where there was a mirror!"
Ukyo marched across the room, picked up her spatula and immediately whacked him over the head with it again. "Don't call me an uncute tomboy maniac, you pervert!"
"I'm NOT a pervert. And I thought you weren't talking to me," Ryoga reminded her.
[I'm NOT talking to you. Pervert. And go get your own mirror.] Ukyo poked her tongue out at him.
"Fine." Ryoga stood up and moved towards the door.
Ukyo jumped up and stood in his path. "Where d'you think you're going?!!"
"To get a mirror!" Ryoga crossed his arms. "And you spoke."
Ukyo gritted her teeth and resisted the urge to hit him again. "You shouldn't be wandering around in your condition," she pointed out.
"You told me to get my own mirror."
"If you apologise, I'll get one for you." Ukyo felt that was a very generous offer on her behalf.
Ryoga thought otherwise. "Apologise? What for?"
"For calling me a violent tomboy!"
"I was only saying the truth. And you should apologise to me."
"What for?!!" Ukyo began to glow with anger. Then, to her immense amazement, Ryoga started to laugh. "What?!! What the hell are you laughing at?!!"
"You. You're funny when you're mad," he sniggered.
Ukyo fixed him with her best Anything Goes You're Walking On Thin Ice glare. "Shut up, lie down and I won't hit you," she growled.
"I'm not an invalid. I can get my own mirror," Ryoga replied, irritated by her attitude. "Stop mothering me!!" At that moment, nausea caught up with him and he stumbled a little, feeling sick.
"Ryoga? Are you all right?!" Ukyo changed her glare to the Anything Goes Look Of The Concerned Fiancee and moved forward to catch him if he fainted or something. "Lie down and I'll go get Doctor Tofu..."
"No! I'm fine!" Ryoga pushed her away. The glare reasserted itself on her face and her grip on the spatula tensed.
Ryoga laughed. "And here's the big spatula, the answer to the worlds problems. Just bash Ryoga with the spatula to make it all better." The laugh stopped as quickly as it had started and Ryoga cast Ukyo a venomous look. "Well fine then. Hit me with the damn thing. If that's what you really want, go ahead." He sat down on the edge of the hospital bed and closed his eyes. *If only that _would_ make it all better...* He clenched his fists. *This is going to hurt.* He waited for the familiar whooshing sound of a giant spatula making course for the top of his head.
Ukyo's immediate intent was to knock the stupid jackass for six. Then she rewound the words back through her head and changed her mind. Instead, she picked up a mirror and tossed it to him. "Catch."
Ryoga opened his eyes and caught the mirror before it could bounce off his head. Examining his reflection, he decided it wasn't too bad. Five parallel scratches ran down his right cheek and just along the jawbone. Sure, he looked like a lawn mower had run over him, but it could be worse. *Who am I kidding? I look like I've had a fight with a blender.*
"Hey, Ryoga?"
Ryoga looked up. "Yes?"
*CLANG*CLANG*CLANG*CLANG*CLANG*CLANG*CLANG*CLANG*CLANG *CLANG*
Ukyo allowed herself a small smile as Ryoga toppled over, unconscious. It always seemed to be more satisfying to whack him unexpectedly.
~~~~~
"Again?" Miyu looked at her blond friend who was currently pulling at her arm with little effect. "He's in hospital again?"
Mihoshi nodded. "Please come with me to visit him," she pleaded for the ... eighteenth time? No, nineteenth, Miyu counted. "I'm so worried he might.. he might..." Mihoshi's eyes filled with tears and she burst into wails that would make Soun proud. Miyu gave a yelp of pain as her air supply was cut off by Mihoshi's mega grip around her neck. "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!! I'M SO WORRIED!!!!!!!!!!"
"M-Mi-hahhh-oshi..... I-I c-caaan't breath..." Miyu eventually managed to gasp. Mihoshi stopped wailing long enough to hear her, and released her grip. Miyu eventually managed to get her breath back long enough to pant out "Fine. We'll visit him with you..." then Mihoshi reattached herself to her neck.
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!! YOU'RE SO KIND!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Maika sniggered. "Maybe being squished will help you lose weight, Miyu." Miyu threw her a glare as her face started to match her hair colour.
~~~~~
It was amazing how many people could fit in a room, Ukyo realised, looking at Shampoo, Ranma, Akane, Maika, Miyu, Mihoshi, Ryoko, Ayeka, ( she guessed Tenchi would show up too!) and Skuld, who'd been rather annoyed when Ukyo explained what had happened to him, muttering something under her breath about secrets. Presently, Ryoko was annoyed at Ukyo after she'd explained that she'd whacked Ryoga out cold. Ukyo marvelled slightly at the reversal in role. Earlier, she'd been ticking Ryoko off. Now, the turquoise-haired woman was yelling at her. "So you bashed him with this spatula for calling you names?!!"
Ukyo wondered why she bothered. "Yes, I hit him for calling me names," she said for the thousandth time, through gritted teeth. What was wrong with that? He'd asked for, after all.
Ryoko thought otherwise. "How could you?!! I'd never hit Tenchi if he came to me, all hurt! It'd serve you right if he went to Mihoshi next time! How could you hit the man you love?!!!"
"Waitasecond!!" Ukyo jumped to her feet. "What do you mean, the man I love?!! Me, love that jackass?!!"
Ryoko looked surprised. "Well, you two are engaged, aren't you?"
"Yeah, not by choice!!!" *Well, that's not entirely true....* Ukyo waved that little line of thought away.
Ryoko looked puzzled. "So why not break it off? If you don't love the guy, you shouldn't be engaged to him."
Ukyo was saved from having to answer by Ryoga waking up. "I hate that spatula..." he grumbled.
*GLOMP*
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!" A yellow- haired bundle attached itself to Ryoga. "I THOUGH YOU WERE DEEEEEAAAAAAD!!!"
"So so controlled, our little Mihoshi," Maika observed. She reached over and plucked the girl away before Ryoga could suffocate.
Shampoo immediately bopped Mihoshi with a bonbori. "Bubble-head bad girl. No hug Airen."
Mousse snarled. "Hibiki, prepare to die," he growled, wielding a handful of knives.
Ryoga sighed. "You know, Mousse, that approach is out dated, overused and quite frankly, doesn't scare me a bit. Try again."
Mousse scratched his head. "Uh... today is the day you shall meet your doom?"
"BBB. Boring, bland and banal."
"Depart, travesty?"
"Nope." Ryoga shook his head.
Mousse thought a little longer before a grin appeared on his face. "Got it! Be gone evil one!!!"
Ryoga cast him a dubious look. "That's for vampires, you moron!"
"I know, but I thought that maybe with those fangs.."
"I AM _NOT_ A VAMPIRE!!!!"
Mousse fumed. "Don't yell at me, you gender-dyslexic, cross-dressing, pathetic, spineless excuse for a martial artist, you idiotic waste of a one- night stand, or I'll garrotte you with cheese-wire - and don't think I'm talking about your neck!!!"
Ryoga blinked a few times. "Oh-kay. That was much better."
Shampoo stomped up behind Mousse and hit him over the head with a bonbori. "You stupid! No talk to Ryoga like that!"
Rubbing his head, Mousse looked around for someone to vent his frustration on. "HIBIKI, HOW DARE YOU ENSLAVE MY BELOVED SHAMPack!!!!"
*KAPOW*
Shampoo glared at the Mousse-shaped hole in the ceiling with a look of venom, the kind of look anyone of the female sex gives Happosai on any given day. "Why too too stupid Mousse never get message?" Her angry looked vanished and she pointed to the television. "Look! Magic Guy on television!"
Attention immediately switched to the television, which was showing videotaped footage of the fight at Furinkan.
Skuld leaned over and whispered to Ryoga, "we have _got_ to find a way to stop that Nabiki girl from filming you all the time!"
"I wonder who he is.." Miyu said aloud curiously. New super heroes in Tokyo made things very confusing for the ones already present.
Ryoko shrugged. "Who knows. It's amazing how these people do that." She poked the screen. "I mean, just look at Sailor Moon there. With a hairstyle like that, you'd think _someone_ would work out who she is."
"He sort of looks like Ryoga," Mihoshi said casually.
Skuld choked on a mouthful of orange juice. "He looks _nothing_ like Ryoga!" she managed to splutter out.
Ayeka shook her head. "I think Mihoshi's right. They do look similar."
Ranma laughed. "Except there's no way Ryoga could be a super hero!"
"And just why not?" Ryoga asked angrily, all thoughts of denial flying from his mind.
"Well, why would anyone want someone like you as a super hero when they could have me?"
"Stay calm!" Skuld whispered urgently. "You don't wanna give anything away, do you?"
Ryoga glared at Ranma and crossed his arms. "I'll let that one slide."
Ukyo giggled. "Can't take the truth?" she teased.
"And what's that supposed to mean?!" Ryoga snarled.
Ukyo fixed him with a withering gaze. "It means, Magical Guy Makoto is charming, handsome and sophisticated. Look in the mirror."
Ryoga bit back an angry remark. Skuld quickly changed the subject before anyone could make the connection. "I'm starved. When's dinner round this place?"
Shampoo brought forth a delivery box. "Shampoo make dinner for Airen!"
Mihoshi, television forgotten, jumped to her feet. "Oh! So did I!" She beamed at Ryoga. "I remembered how much you hated hospital food."
Ryoga was beginning to look flustered at all the attention. "I um, well, I ... thanks..."
"Bubblehead get lost! Ryoga eat Shampoo food!"
"I am not a bubblehead! And Ryoga can eat whoever's food he wants!!" The blond girl avoided Shampoos attacks, while trying not to let the meal she'd prepared end up on the floor. (Hey, she's a Galaxy Police detective! Don't underestimate her because of her blind luck!)
"Uh... you two..." Ryoga began. He gave up saying anything more, realising- the peace pleas were falling upon deaf ears.
Ryoko sniggered. "My, my. I never thought I'd see Mihoshi act like that!"
Ayeka nodded. "It reminds me of something..."
Tenchi walked in and gave them a wave. "Hel..."
"Tenchi!! I made you some cookies!! Try them!!"
"No way! Tenchi's gonna eat my cookies!!!"
Tenchi groaned. Ranma dodged a kick of Mihoshi's and made his way over to Ryoga. "Jeez Ryoga, you could open a Dojo in here!" he joked. "So how are you?"
"Been better. I'd be out of here already if ..." Ryoga trailed off and glared at Ukyo out of the corner of his eye.
Ukyo glared back and stuck her tongue out. "Jackass. It's your own fault anyway."
Akane looked at her friend curiously. "What's going on here?"
Ranma looked back and forth at Ryoga and Ukyo. Ucchan, his pal, was mad at Ryoga. So that must mean... Ryoga had done something to Ucchan! He stepped forward and tipped a glass of water over Ryoga's head.
"HEY?!!!!!" Ryoga-chan spluttered, stabbing Ranma with her eyes. "What the HELL did you do that for?!!"
"What did you do to Ucchan?!!" Ranma yelled.
Ryoga-chan blinked in confusion. "I didn't do anything to her!!"
"Yeah right!!" Ranma grabbed Ryoga-chan by the scruff of the neck and threw her across the room.
Now, as has been previously stated, Ryoga-chan was far more petite in her female form and her trousers often wound up around her ankles. While this wasn't a problem when she'd been lying down, as she flew through the air, gravity started to take effect. Feeling her trousers slip, Ryoga-chan make a grab for the waistband, ignoring the amounting chaos around her. She didn't notice Shampoo's bonbori until it slammed into her very bruised and cut up side. With a yell of pain, she collapsed on the floor, blood beginning to seep through her yellow shirt. The various fights around the room halted abruptly. Ryoga-chan climbed unsteadily to her feet then fell back down to her knees and concentrated on trying to ignore the pain. "Raaaaaaaama..."
Before she could say anything more, a large mallet introduced itself to Ranma's skull, with a resounding *WHAM*.
Akane glared at her fiancee, twitching on the floor. "JERK!!!" She looked at Ryoga-chan in concern. "Are you OK? I'll go fetch Doctor Tofu."
Ryoga-chan nodded slightly, managing to stumble to her feet. "Thanks."
*GLOMP*
"Shampoo sorry! Forgive Shampoo!"
With another wail of pain, Ryoga-chan collapsed again, blood flowing more freely. Doctor Tofu ran into the room and quickly assessed the situation. Ryoko and Ayeka were squabbling, Mihoshi was screaming at Shampoo, who was screaming back and Ukyo was arguing with Skuld. Ryoga-chan looked as though she wanted to cry. He decided how to get rid of everybody, in the fastest way possible. He took a deep breath. "RIGHT! EVERYBODY, OUT NOW!!! THERE ARE SICK PEOPLE IN THIS HOSPITAL, AND YOU'RE NOT HELPING THEM!!!!!" he roared, pulling a Soun Tendo demon head complete with fangs, glowing eyes and snake tongue. The room was cleared in milliseconds.
~~~~~
Ranma glanced sideways at Shampoo for the sixth time in two minutes. She was still holding the ramen delivery box, he noted. Turning his head to the other side, he sneaked a peek at Akane. She'd offered to cook dinner tonight, and (shock horror!!!!!!) Kasumi had agreed. Ranma was still trying to decide whether it was safer in the long run to tell Akane he'd rather eat his own intestines and face her mega-smasher of a mallet, or to eat her food when it stopped trying to molest him. Sometimes Akane's cooking could be more affectionate than Shampoo used to be. He glanced at Shampoo again. Maybe she still liked him... a little. If so, he could use his charm to wheedle the ramen into his possession. Then he'd at least of eaten something he was certain wasn't related to him.
Ukyo flipped through another magazine before tossing it aside. *Honestly! Where do they buy these things?!!!* she wondered, tossing aside 'Morris Dancers Monthly' in search of something - _anything_ that wouldn't turn her brain into potato salad. The magazine selection in the waiting room however, was pathetically ... pathetic. Even though there was only her, Skuld, Ranma, Akane and Shampoo left here, there was still nothing worth reading. With a sigh of resignation, she gave up and glared at the floor. Her mind instantly began to focus on important subjects like *Hospital magazines suck, *I'm hungry - as soon as Doctor Tofu finishes with Ryoga, I'm going home for dinner, *I wonder if the demon that possessed Ryoga has some connection to the ones that attacked me and Akane* and *I hope the weirdo who did that to Ryoga doesn't turn up to try and kill him or something like that...*
"You OK, Ukyo?" Akane asked.
Ukyo looked up, startled out of her thoughts. "Y-yeah... I mean, why wouldn't I be?"
"I just thought you might be worried about Ryoga," Akane replied.
"Worried? About that jackass?" Much to her embarrassment, Ukyo felt her face redden. "I'm not worried about him! That idiot can take care of himself!"
Akane smiled and put her arm around her friend. "He'll be fine."
"I'm NOT worried!" Ukyo insisted, ignoring Skuld's little giggle. She stood up abruptly. "I'm going to get some candy. Wanna come with me?" she asked Akane. *Chocolate. That's the answer.*
Akane nodded. "Yeah. I could use something sickeningly sweet too."
The moment they were out of sight, Ranma turned to Shampoo. He wondered how to start. "Uh... hey... Shampoo?" *Oh, well _that's_ a great start!! NOT!*
Shampoo turned and smiled at him. "Yes Ranma?"
Well, she was smiling. That was good. Ranma felt a bit more confident. "Hey, I'm sorry you're not my fiancee any more, but we're still friends, right?"
"Of course! Shampoo and Ranma such good friends!" Shampoo decided to play along. *Him up to something, Shampoo know!*
Feeling his stomach rumble, Ranma continued. "Hey, you never got round to giving Ryoga that ramen, did you?" he asked casually, pretending to change the subject. *Just a little more, and that ramen's mine!!* (Insert maniacal laughter into Ranma's imagination here.)
Shampoo grinned a little grin, clicking to what Ranma was trying to pull. *Ranma think just because Shampoo not speak good Japanese, that make her stupid! Well, Shampoo play your game little longer...* She shook her head, feigning ignorance. "No. Bubble-head girl interfere, now ramen go to waste."
"Seeing as we're friends and all, I'd hate to see your ramen go to waste." Ranma gave her a smile, the one she used to adore. "I'd be glad to take it off your hands."
Shampoo stood up. "I so happy! Shampoo give Ranma ramen, yes?" She took the bowl out of the delivery box and held it up. "You want?" Ranma nodded eagerly, drooling at the mouth. With a saccharine sweet smile, Shampoo tipped it over his head. "Enjoy."
Skuld cackled with laughter, almost falling off the regulation plastic hospital chair that people are somehow expected to be comfortable sitting on. (These are also the same chairs used in schools. And teachers wonder why their pupils are too uncomfortable to concentrate on their schoolwork?) Shampoo grinned in victory and poked Ranma on the nose. "Take that, too too overconfident womaniser. Shampoo not stupid, you waste of fathers cum."
Looking at the amazed and completely sunned look on Ranma's face, Skuld _did_ fall off the chair. Ranma, for once, was at a total loss of words as Shampoo stalked past him, nose in the air. "You tell Ryoga what happen, yes?" she asked Skuld.
Skuld nodded, tears running down her face, not trusting herself to speak. Shampoo grinned and walked out. Ranma stared after her in shock. *W-w-when did she learn to say _that_ in Japanese?!!!* After a moment's thought, he growled, "Ryoga, this is all your fault!!"
Ukyo and Akane chose that moment to reappear with their chocolate. Akane blinked. "I'm not even going to ask."
Ranma glowered and began to plan his revenge. That moment, a familiar figure entered. "Oh my. Ranma, what happened?"
"Hello Kasumi." Ranma smiled that evil little smile usually reserved for men twiddling little black moustaches.
"Doctor Tofu's just through there."
"Why, thank you Ranma," Kasumi said, smiling sweetly and pushing the door open before anyone could stop her.
"K-Kasumi! Wahahaha!! ... W-w-what b-brings you h-here?"
*SNAP*CRACK*POP*KRIK*
"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
End Part IX
Final song - No Surprises
You can find the rest of this story and others by Benji Delaski at http://lovesucks.topcities.com/
PART IX
Hospital Trust 2
Patients at Doctor Tofu's looked nervously at each over, wondering if Kasumi had popped by to visit. Judging from the yells they could hear, it would probably be a good idea to come back later.
"OWW!"
"Keep still, you idiot!" Ukyo growled. "How am I supposed to do this if you keep wriggling like a fish on a hook?"
Ryoga sighed and tried to keep still as Ukyo daubed antiseptic lotion on the cuts. Unfortunately, as any primary school kid will remind you, that stuff stings like hell. With a yelp of pain, Ryoga quickly moved his arm out of Ukyo's reach. She smacked him over the back of the head. "Keep still!"
"It HURTS!"
"If you kept still, it wouldn't hurt so much!" With more force than she needed, she grabbed his arm again and tried to clean up some of the cuts. Ryoga flinched and squeezed his eyes shut, but this time he didn't pull away. Ukyo smiled slightly. "Good boy."
"I'm not six years old," he muttered.
"Anyone would think you were with the fuss you're making," Ukyo retorted. Ryoga stuck his tongue out at her and she laughed. "Baby."
"I am _NOT_ a baby!" he protested, trying to sit up.
Ukyo placed a hand firmly on his chest and pushed him back. "Don't try to get up, you jackass. Your whole side is cut to ribbons."
"What a lovely nurse you'd make," he said sarcastically. "So kind, so caring, so gentle... OW! THAT STINGS!!!!"
"That just means it's working," Ukyo insisted.
"It still hurts though," he replied through gritted teeth.
"Wimp." She finished cleaning the slash marks on his chest and reached for the bottle of antiseptic. "I'll clean up your face now, OK?"
"You are NOT putting that stuff on my face!" Ryoga reached up and snatched the bottle away.
Ukyo made a grab for it and he tossed it from hand to hand, just out of her reach. "Come on, Ryoga! Give it back! I'm serious!"
"Promise not to use it on my face?"
Ukyo smiled a little. "I promise. But you're a wimp."
"I am not." Ryoga scowled at her. "I just don't like pain."
Ukyo relented and used warm water instead. "You know, you haven't actually told me what happened to you yet," she said casually.
There was a few moments of silence as Ryoga considered how on earth he was supposed to begin. "Well... Skuld taught me this mirror trick where you think of something that indicates your destination, then you end up there."
"Useful trick. Does that mean you'll be attending school more often?" she teased. "So, carry on."
"I was ...fighting Ranma... ow!"
"Serves you right. How many times have I told you not to pick on Ranchan?!" Ukyo scowled.
Ryoga glared at her. "He started it. He splashed me with cold water. Anyway, he threw me across the room and I landed on Tenchi."
Ukyo snapped her fingers. "Yes, Ryoko was telling me about that. And you vanished through the mirror. So where did you end up?"
"Well....I wanted to get some hot water so she'd understand and stop waving that glowing sword around. But just as I was leaving, I caught sight of Ranma out of the corner of my eye, and um.." Ryoga stopped. "Before I say the next bit, you promise you won't hit me again?"
Ukyo narrowed her eyes. "What did you think about Ranma?" she asked suspiciously.
"Do you promise?"
"OK. I promise I will not hit you."
"I thought something like 'vain, pigtailed idiot..."
*CLANG*
"OW!" Ryoga glared at her. "You promised!"
"I promised _I_ wouldn't hit you." She grinned. "And I didn't. The spatula did."
"Hmph." Ryoga crossed his arms. "You have no bedside manner, do you know that?"
"Oh, don't be such a baby. Tell me where you ended up."
"Some weirdo's bathroom. I must have knocked his arm while he was shaving or something and he cut his face. When I offered to get an ambulance or a doctor or something, he grabbed these metal claw things and slashed my side. OW! DON'T POKE IT, YOU IDIOT!"
Ukyo grinned a little. "Wimp. But that's gonna need stitches. So's your arm, probably. I assume that's from blocking this claw thing, right?"
Ryoga nodded. "I bet I could've beaten him if he hadn't taken me by surprise."
"Suuuuure you could," Ukyo nodded. "Whatever you say."
"I could!!"
There were a few moments of silence, before Ukyo piped up. "You said this mirror trick worked by thinking of something which indicated your destination, right?"
"Right."
"What were you thinking of when you came out of the mirror in the girls changing rooms?"
"Nothing," Ryoga said quickly, blushing a little.
"Liar. You just said you need to think of something that indicates your destination." Ukyo grinned as she outlined the logic. "So, what were you thinking of?"
Ryoga turned a bit pinker. "I don't have to tell you."
"Come on, tell me, you pervert!"
"I'm not a pervert!"
"You ended up in the girls changing rooms! Of course you're a pervert!"
Ryoga scowled. "I'm _not_ a pervert. You just happened to be in the girls changing rooms..."
"So you were thinking of me?" Ukyo was surprised to say the least.
Ryoga blushed. "Y-you? W-why would I be thinking of a violent, cross- dressing, tomboy like you?" he stammered nervously.
*CLANG*
"OWW!"
"JERK!!!"
*CLANG*CLANG*CLANG*CLANG*CLANG*CLANG*CLANG*CLANG*CLANG *CLANG*
Doctor Tofu poked his head around the door. "Ukyo, it's not really proper to beat patients unconscious with a spatula. I have anaesthetic for that."
~~~~~
Down in the deepest bowels of hell (no, seriously!), Satan was glaring at a few of his employees. "So, explain yourselves."
Omega glared at Morganan. "You first."
Morganan sighed. "Magical guy Makoto. He blasted me before I could even blink."
"Ha! You're just useless, that's all," Omega snarled. "At least I put up a fight!"
"He got you too! With the same attack and all!" They both turned to Morticus. "So how did you get defeated?"
Morticus glared at them. "I had Hibiki right where I wanted him. I was weakening him so the job could get done. But that bitch he lives with kept sealing me out each night after I'd played around a little. Then that little white witch turned up and started teaching him how to use his magic, then she goes and sticks a load of lucky charms around him."
"Didn't know lucky charms could have any effect on you," Omega said nonchalantly.
Morticus glared at him. "They don't, normally. But I decided I'd get rid of him - you know he's that Magical Guy, don't you?"
"Of course we know!" Morganan snapped.
Morticus continued. "Then that nasty little white witch and the Kuonji bitch woke up and chucked me out."
"You got cast out by a second class goddess?!"" Morganan and Omega laughed.
Morticus fumed. "It's not my fault! She cast a spell using the memory of that little cat we killed, and his mind took over!"
"You're just incompetent," Omega sneered.
Satan stepped forward before they could leap at each other's throats. "OK. So Hibiki's gotten stronger than we expected. Send a message to Jodie, tell him to take the Kuno chicks soul and wait a while before making his move. Let Percicus and Merdith wear him down, but wait a few days until he lets his guard down, you got that?"
The other three demons nodded and left the room. Satan sat down in his throne and continued to focus flames on the snowball in front of him, which still refused to melt.
~~~~~
Ryoga cast Ukyo the evilest look he felt he safely could, wincing at the pain in his head. *Violent tomboy,* he thought moodily, shifting the ice pack a little. *She didn't have to hit me so much! Well, _she_ can apologise to _me_ this time. And I'm not talking to her until she admits she was wrong!*
Ukyo pointedly ignored Ryoga and attempted to straighten out the dents in her spatula. *Jackass! How dare he call me a tomboy?! Well, I'm not saying _one_ word to him unless he apologises.*
Ryoga glanced around the room in search of a mirror. He wasn't one for vanity, but he wanted to see how badly he was cut up. There wasn't one in sight. *Damn.* He sighed. So much for not talking to Ukyo. "Hey, Uk-YO?" he asked, emphasising the fact that he wasn't calling her Ucchan at the moment.
Ukyo picked up a piece of paper, scribbled on it for a moment, then held it up for him to read. [I am not talking to you, you insensitive jerk.]
Ryoga shrugged. "Suits me. I have a bad enough headache already without having to listen to you whinge at me..." he said in an accusing tone.
*CLANG*
Ryoga grabbed the business end of the spatula and yanked it out of Ukyo's grip. "Would you quit hitting me whenever you get pissed off, you uncute, tomboy, maniac!!" he snapped angrily, tossing it across the room. "Jeez! I only wanted to ask if you knew where there was a mirror!"
Ukyo marched across the room, picked up her spatula and immediately whacked him over the head with it again. "Don't call me an uncute tomboy maniac, you pervert!"
"I'm NOT a pervert. And I thought you weren't talking to me," Ryoga reminded her.
[I'm NOT talking to you. Pervert. And go get your own mirror.] Ukyo poked her tongue out at him.
"Fine." Ryoga stood up and moved towards the door.
Ukyo jumped up and stood in his path. "Where d'you think you're going?!!"
"To get a mirror!" Ryoga crossed his arms. "And you spoke."
Ukyo gritted her teeth and resisted the urge to hit him again. "You shouldn't be wandering around in your condition," she pointed out.
"You told me to get my own mirror."
"If you apologise, I'll get one for you." Ukyo felt that was a very generous offer on her behalf.
Ryoga thought otherwise. "Apologise? What for?"
"For calling me a violent tomboy!"
"I was only saying the truth. And you should apologise to me."
"What for?!!" Ukyo began to glow with anger. Then, to her immense amazement, Ryoga started to laugh. "What?!! What the hell are you laughing at?!!"
"You. You're funny when you're mad," he sniggered.
Ukyo fixed him with her best Anything Goes You're Walking On Thin Ice glare. "Shut up, lie down and I won't hit you," she growled.
"I'm not an invalid. I can get my own mirror," Ryoga replied, irritated by her attitude. "Stop mothering me!!" At that moment, nausea caught up with him and he stumbled a little, feeling sick.
"Ryoga? Are you all right?!" Ukyo changed her glare to the Anything Goes Look Of The Concerned Fiancee and moved forward to catch him if he fainted or something. "Lie down and I'll go get Doctor Tofu..."
"No! I'm fine!" Ryoga pushed her away. The glare reasserted itself on her face and her grip on the spatula tensed.
Ryoga laughed. "And here's the big spatula, the answer to the worlds problems. Just bash Ryoga with the spatula to make it all better." The laugh stopped as quickly as it had started and Ryoga cast Ukyo a venomous look. "Well fine then. Hit me with the damn thing. If that's what you really want, go ahead." He sat down on the edge of the hospital bed and closed his eyes. *If only that _would_ make it all better...* He clenched his fists. *This is going to hurt.* He waited for the familiar whooshing sound of a giant spatula making course for the top of his head.
Ukyo's immediate intent was to knock the stupid jackass for six. Then she rewound the words back through her head and changed her mind. Instead, she picked up a mirror and tossed it to him. "Catch."
Ryoga opened his eyes and caught the mirror before it could bounce off his head. Examining his reflection, he decided it wasn't too bad. Five parallel scratches ran down his right cheek and just along the jawbone. Sure, he looked like a lawn mower had run over him, but it could be worse. *Who am I kidding? I look like I've had a fight with a blender.*
"Hey, Ryoga?"
Ryoga looked up. "Yes?"
*CLANG*CLANG*CLANG*CLANG*CLANG*CLANG*CLANG*CLANG*CLANG *CLANG*
Ukyo allowed herself a small smile as Ryoga toppled over, unconscious. It always seemed to be more satisfying to whack him unexpectedly.
~~~~~
"Again?" Miyu looked at her blond friend who was currently pulling at her arm with little effect. "He's in hospital again?"
Mihoshi nodded. "Please come with me to visit him," she pleaded for the ... eighteenth time? No, nineteenth, Miyu counted. "I'm so worried he might.. he might..." Mihoshi's eyes filled with tears and she burst into wails that would make Soun proud. Miyu gave a yelp of pain as her air supply was cut off by Mihoshi's mega grip around her neck. "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!! I'M SO WORRIED!!!!!!!!!!"
"M-Mi-hahhh-oshi..... I-I c-caaan't breath..." Miyu eventually managed to gasp. Mihoshi stopped wailing long enough to hear her, and released her grip. Miyu eventually managed to get her breath back long enough to pant out "Fine. We'll visit him with you..." then Mihoshi reattached herself to her neck.
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!! YOU'RE SO KIND!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Maika sniggered. "Maybe being squished will help you lose weight, Miyu." Miyu threw her a glare as her face started to match her hair colour.
~~~~~
It was amazing how many people could fit in a room, Ukyo realised, looking at Shampoo, Ranma, Akane, Maika, Miyu, Mihoshi, Ryoko, Ayeka, ( she guessed Tenchi would show up too!) and Skuld, who'd been rather annoyed when Ukyo explained what had happened to him, muttering something under her breath about secrets. Presently, Ryoko was annoyed at Ukyo after she'd explained that she'd whacked Ryoga out cold. Ukyo marvelled slightly at the reversal in role. Earlier, she'd been ticking Ryoko off. Now, the turquoise-haired woman was yelling at her. "So you bashed him with this spatula for calling you names?!!"
Ukyo wondered why she bothered. "Yes, I hit him for calling me names," she said for the thousandth time, through gritted teeth. What was wrong with that? He'd asked for, after all.
Ryoko thought otherwise. "How could you?!! I'd never hit Tenchi if he came to me, all hurt! It'd serve you right if he went to Mihoshi next time! How could you hit the man you love?!!!"
"Waitasecond!!" Ukyo jumped to her feet. "What do you mean, the man I love?!! Me, love that jackass?!!"
Ryoko looked surprised. "Well, you two are engaged, aren't you?"
"Yeah, not by choice!!!" *Well, that's not entirely true....* Ukyo waved that little line of thought away.
Ryoko looked puzzled. "So why not break it off? If you don't love the guy, you shouldn't be engaged to him."
Ukyo was saved from having to answer by Ryoga waking up. "I hate that spatula..." he grumbled.
*GLOMP*
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!" A yellow- haired bundle attached itself to Ryoga. "I THOUGH YOU WERE DEEEEEAAAAAAD!!!"
"So so controlled, our little Mihoshi," Maika observed. She reached over and plucked the girl away before Ryoga could suffocate.
Shampoo immediately bopped Mihoshi with a bonbori. "Bubble-head bad girl. No hug Airen."
Mousse snarled. "Hibiki, prepare to die," he growled, wielding a handful of knives.
Ryoga sighed. "You know, Mousse, that approach is out dated, overused and quite frankly, doesn't scare me a bit. Try again."
Mousse scratched his head. "Uh... today is the day you shall meet your doom?"
"BBB. Boring, bland and banal."
"Depart, travesty?"
"Nope." Ryoga shook his head.
Mousse thought a little longer before a grin appeared on his face. "Got it! Be gone evil one!!!"
Ryoga cast him a dubious look. "That's for vampires, you moron!"
"I know, but I thought that maybe with those fangs.."
"I AM _NOT_ A VAMPIRE!!!!"
Mousse fumed. "Don't yell at me, you gender-dyslexic, cross-dressing, pathetic, spineless excuse for a martial artist, you idiotic waste of a one- night stand, or I'll garrotte you with cheese-wire - and don't think I'm talking about your neck!!!"
Ryoga blinked a few times. "Oh-kay. That was much better."
Shampoo stomped up behind Mousse and hit him over the head with a bonbori. "You stupid! No talk to Ryoga like that!"
Rubbing his head, Mousse looked around for someone to vent his frustration on. "HIBIKI, HOW DARE YOU ENSLAVE MY BELOVED SHAMPack!!!!"
*KAPOW*
Shampoo glared at the Mousse-shaped hole in the ceiling with a look of venom, the kind of look anyone of the female sex gives Happosai on any given day. "Why too too stupid Mousse never get message?" Her angry looked vanished and she pointed to the television. "Look! Magic Guy on television!"
Attention immediately switched to the television, which was showing videotaped footage of the fight at Furinkan.
Skuld leaned over and whispered to Ryoga, "we have _got_ to find a way to stop that Nabiki girl from filming you all the time!"
"I wonder who he is.." Miyu said aloud curiously. New super heroes in Tokyo made things very confusing for the ones already present.
Ryoko shrugged. "Who knows. It's amazing how these people do that." She poked the screen. "I mean, just look at Sailor Moon there. With a hairstyle like that, you'd think _someone_ would work out who she is."
"He sort of looks like Ryoga," Mihoshi said casually.
Skuld choked on a mouthful of orange juice. "He looks _nothing_ like Ryoga!" she managed to splutter out.
Ayeka shook her head. "I think Mihoshi's right. They do look similar."
Ranma laughed. "Except there's no way Ryoga could be a super hero!"
"And just why not?" Ryoga asked angrily, all thoughts of denial flying from his mind.
"Well, why would anyone want someone like you as a super hero when they could have me?"
"Stay calm!" Skuld whispered urgently. "You don't wanna give anything away, do you?"
Ryoga glared at Ranma and crossed his arms. "I'll let that one slide."
Ukyo giggled. "Can't take the truth?" she teased.
"And what's that supposed to mean?!" Ryoga snarled.
Ukyo fixed him with a withering gaze. "It means, Magical Guy Makoto is charming, handsome and sophisticated. Look in the mirror."
Ryoga bit back an angry remark. Skuld quickly changed the subject before anyone could make the connection. "I'm starved. When's dinner round this place?"
Shampoo brought forth a delivery box. "Shampoo make dinner for Airen!"
Mihoshi, television forgotten, jumped to her feet. "Oh! So did I!" She beamed at Ryoga. "I remembered how much you hated hospital food."
Ryoga was beginning to look flustered at all the attention. "I um, well, I ... thanks..."
"Bubblehead get lost! Ryoga eat Shampoo food!"
"I am not a bubblehead! And Ryoga can eat whoever's food he wants!!" The blond girl avoided Shampoos attacks, while trying not to let the meal she'd prepared end up on the floor. (Hey, she's a Galaxy Police detective! Don't underestimate her because of her blind luck!)
"Uh... you two..." Ryoga began. He gave up saying anything more, realising- the peace pleas were falling upon deaf ears.
Ryoko sniggered. "My, my. I never thought I'd see Mihoshi act like that!"
Ayeka nodded. "It reminds me of something..."
Tenchi walked in and gave them a wave. "Hel..."
"Tenchi!! I made you some cookies!! Try them!!"
"No way! Tenchi's gonna eat my cookies!!!"
Tenchi groaned. Ranma dodged a kick of Mihoshi's and made his way over to Ryoga. "Jeez Ryoga, you could open a Dojo in here!" he joked. "So how are you?"
"Been better. I'd be out of here already if ..." Ryoga trailed off and glared at Ukyo out of the corner of his eye.
Ukyo glared back and stuck her tongue out. "Jackass. It's your own fault anyway."
Akane looked at her friend curiously. "What's going on here?"
Ranma looked back and forth at Ryoga and Ukyo. Ucchan, his pal, was mad at Ryoga. So that must mean... Ryoga had done something to Ucchan! He stepped forward and tipped a glass of water over Ryoga's head.
"HEY?!!!!!" Ryoga-chan spluttered, stabbing Ranma with her eyes. "What the HELL did you do that for?!!"
"What did you do to Ucchan?!!" Ranma yelled.
Ryoga-chan blinked in confusion. "I didn't do anything to her!!"
"Yeah right!!" Ranma grabbed Ryoga-chan by the scruff of the neck and threw her across the room.
Now, as has been previously stated, Ryoga-chan was far more petite in her female form and her trousers often wound up around her ankles. While this wasn't a problem when she'd been lying down, as she flew through the air, gravity started to take effect. Feeling her trousers slip, Ryoga-chan make a grab for the waistband, ignoring the amounting chaos around her. She didn't notice Shampoo's bonbori until it slammed into her very bruised and cut up side. With a yell of pain, she collapsed on the floor, blood beginning to seep through her yellow shirt. The various fights around the room halted abruptly. Ryoga-chan climbed unsteadily to her feet then fell back down to her knees and concentrated on trying to ignore the pain. "Raaaaaaaama..."
Before she could say anything more, a large mallet introduced itself to Ranma's skull, with a resounding *WHAM*.
Akane glared at her fiancee, twitching on the floor. "JERK!!!" She looked at Ryoga-chan in concern. "Are you OK? I'll go fetch Doctor Tofu."
Ryoga-chan nodded slightly, managing to stumble to her feet. "Thanks."
*GLOMP*
"Shampoo sorry! Forgive Shampoo!"
With another wail of pain, Ryoga-chan collapsed again, blood flowing more freely. Doctor Tofu ran into the room and quickly assessed the situation. Ryoko and Ayeka were squabbling, Mihoshi was screaming at Shampoo, who was screaming back and Ukyo was arguing with Skuld. Ryoga-chan looked as though she wanted to cry. He decided how to get rid of everybody, in the fastest way possible. He took a deep breath. "RIGHT! EVERYBODY, OUT NOW!!! THERE ARE SICK PEOPLE IN THIS HOSPITAL, AND YOU'RE NOT HELPING THEM!!!!!" he roared, pulling a Soun Tendo demon head complete with fangs, glowing eyes and snake tongue. The room was cleared in milliseconds.
~~~~~
Ranma glanced sideways at Shampoo for the sixth time in two minutes. She was still holding the ramen delivery box, he noted. Turning his head to the other side, he sneaked a peek at Akane. She'd offered to cook dinner tonight, and (shock horror!!!!!!) Kasumi had agreed. Ranma was still trying to decide whether it was safer in the long run to tell Akane he'd rather eat his own intestines and face her mega-smasher of a mallet, or to eat her food when it stopped trying to molest him. Sometimes Akane's cooking could be more affectionate than Shampoo used to be. He glanced at Shampoo again. Maybe she still liked him... a little. If so, he could use his charm to wheedle the ramen into his possession. Then he'd at least of eaten something he was certain wasn't related to him.
Ukyo flipped through another magazine before tossing it aside. *Honestly! Where do they buy these things?!!!* she wondered, tossing aside 'Morris Dancers Monthly' in search of something - _anything_ that wouldn't turn her brain into potato salad. The magazine selection in the waiting room however, was pathetically ... pathetic. Even though there was only her, Skuld, Ranma, Akane and Shampoo left here, there was still nothing worth reading. With a sigh of resignation, she gave up and glared at the floor. Her mind instantly began to focus on important subjects like *Hospital magazines suck, *I'm hungry - as soon as Doctor Tofu finishes with Ryoga, I'm going home for dinner, *I wonder if the demon that possessed Ryoga has some connection to the ones that attacked me and Akane* and *I hope the weirdo who did that to Ryoga doesn't turn up to try and kill him or something like that...*
"You OK, Ukyo?" Akane asked.
Ukyo looked up, startled out of her thoughts. "Y-yeah... I mean, why wouldn't I be?"
"I just thought you might be worried about Ryoga," Akane replied.
"Worried? About that jackass?" Much to her embarrassment, Ukyo felt her face redden. "I'm not worried about him! That idiot can take care of himself!"
Akane smiled and put her arm around her friend. "He'll be fine."
"I'm NOT worried!" Ukyo insisted, ignoring Skuld's little giggle. She stood up abruptly. "I'm going to get some candy. Wanna come with me?" she asked Akane. *Chocolate. That's the answer.*
Akane nodded. "Yeah. I could use something sickeningly sweet too."
The moment they were out of sight, Ranma turned to Shampoo. He wondered how to start. "Uh... hey... Shampoo?" *Oh, well _that's_ a great start!! NOT!*
Shampoo turned and smiled at him. "Yes Ranma?"
Well, she was smiling. That was good. Ranma felt a bit more confident. "Hey, I'm sorry you're not my fiancee any more, but we're still friends, right?"
"Of course! Shampoo and Ranma such good friends!" Shampoo decided to play along. *Him up to something, Shampoo know!*
Feeling his stomach rumble, Ranma continued. "Hey, you never got round to giving Ryoga that ramen, did you?" he asked casually, pretending to change the subject. *Just a little more, and that ramen's mine!!* (Insert maniacal laughter into Ranma's imagination here.)
Shampoo grinned a little grin, clicking to what Ranma was trying to pull. *Ranma think just because Shampoo not speak good Japanese, that make her stupid! Well, Shampoo play your game little longer...* She shook her head, feigning ignorance. "No. Bubble-head girl interfere, now ramen go to waste."
"Seeing as we're friends and all, I'd hate to see your ramen go to waste." Ranma gave her a smile, the one she used to adore. "I'd be glad to take it off your hands."
Shampoo stood up. "I so happy! Shampoo give Ranma ramen, yes?" She took the bowl out of the delivery box and held it up. "You want?" Ranma nodded eagerly, drooling at the mouth. With a saccharine sweet smile, Shampoo tipped it over his head. "Enjoy."
Skuld cackled with laughter, almost falling off the regulation plastic hospital chair that people are somehow expected to be comfortable sitting on. (These are also the same chairs used in schools. And teachers wonder why their pupils are too uncomfortable to concentrate on their schoolwork?) Shampoo grinned in victory and poked Ranma on the nose. "Take that, too too overconfident womaniser. Shampoo not stupid, you waste of fathers cum."
Looking at the amazed and completely sunned look on Ranma's face, Skuld _did_ fall off the chair. Ranma, for once, was at a total loss of words as Shampoo stalked past him, nose in the air. "You tell Ryoga what happen, yes?" she asked Skuld.
Skuld nodded, tears running down her face, not trusting herself to speak. Shampoo grinned and walked out. Ranma stared after her in shock. *W-w-when did she learn to say _that_ in Japanese?!!!* After a moment's thought, he growled, "Ryoga, this is all your fault!!"
Ukyo and Akane chose that moment to reappear with their chocolate. Akane blinked. "I'm not even going to ask."
Ranma glowered and began to plan his revenge. That moment, a familiar figure entered. "Oh my. Ranma, what happened?"
"Hello Kasumi." Ranma smiled that evil little smile usually reserved for men twiddling little black moustaches.
"Doctor Tofu's just through there."
"Why, thank you Ranma," Kasumi said, smiling sweetly and pushing the door open before anyone could stop her.
"K-Kasumi! Wahahaha!! ... W-w-what b-brings you h-here?"
*SNAP*CRACK*POP*KRIK*
"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
End Part IX
Final song - No Surprises