Catching the Butterfly

by Ushio

A Ryoga/Ukyo comedy romance by Benji Delaski

10. Chapter 3

Catching the Butterfly, Volume 3

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Please remember to feed the author.

OK, just a note. The suffix 'chan' indicates somebody's female form or somebody's child form. Wow! That's actually relevant to the story!

Next, the thanks. Thank you Hotnit! Finally, I have Ranma anime!!! Uh... I'd also like to thank my Mommie for letting me stay up all night on the trot. Without her electricity I would not have been able to do this. Plus, I'd like to thank Kai-chan, my proofreader (Not worthy!! Not worthy!!) for her own unique brand of motivation (Get typing, you rotten little maggot, or I'll wipe your hard drive, steal all your manga and burn all your anime!!!!!) Right, Academy Awards over with, onto the groveling.

Disclaimer. (Do I have to go through this again? Oh well...)

Dearest Takahshi goddess, I humbly apologize for stealing your marvelous creations and turning them inside out. Feel free to throw me into the spring of drowned Happi-chan.

I can't recall all of the other people I've stolen characters from, if they start to hunt me down, IT WAS ALL HIS FAULT!!!! (Points vaguely at a passing schoolboy.)

CTB VOL 3 - The nameless filler-volume.

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PROLOGUE

Get Lost.

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"Where on Earth are we now...?"

For once in a lifetime, these immortal words were uttered by somebody other than Ryoga Hibiki. In fact, they were now being gasped by Nabiki Tendo, who was beginning to wonder exactly what drugs Cologne was using in her restaurant.

"If my calculations are correct, then we're near Urawa..."

The rest of Washu's sentence was cut off by a loud scream of "SHUT UP!!!!!" from the rest of the group.

"Miss Little Sensei, the whole point of this is for us to get lost. And we can't do that if we know where we are. So when Nabiki asks where we are, ignore her!" Ranma explained.

"I know, I know!" Washu said in an aggravated voice. "And that's Little Washu."

"Guys, can we take a break now?" Mihoshi's voice floated forward.

Akane nodded. "Yeah, it's three am. I think we should get some sleep," she agreed.

Mousse snorted. "I thought the little fluff-head would be eager to go bouncing around the country searching for her knight in shining armor," he teased.

"Mousse, you're talking to a lamp post," Ranma informed him. Mousse quickly turned and glared at Mihoshi.

"Watch it, girlyboy." Mihoshi stuck her tongue out. "Remember, this fluff-head carries a laser pistol."

"Mihoshi!" Washu scolded.

Mihoshi tried to look suitably abashed. "Sorry."

"Shampoo and Airen share tent, is OK?" Shampoo declared eagerly, her and Tsubasa racing to pitch a tent as far away from the others as possible.

"You two aren't married yet, you know!" Cologne called.

Mousse almost choked on his tongue. Hibiki, this is all your fault!!! When we get you back, I'll rip you limb from limb and enjoy every second of it!!!

"You are so obvious," Mihoshi said boredly. "Everyone can see you murdering him in your mind. There are laws here, you know. I could get you put away for light years if you touch him."

"You're pathetic," Mousse sneered. "He's engaged."

"So's Shampoo," Mihoshi fired back. Mousse gave up and the two of them sat across from each other, attempting to gouge each other's eyes out with imaginary fingernails.

"Ryoga? Wake up! I SAID wake up!!" Ukyo shook the girl violently, with absolutely no success. "Drat!" She sat on the edge of the bed and went over her options. Well, there's the old fashioned method of tipping a cup of cold water over him. But I dare not do that again or he'll blow up at me. Hitting him with the spatula was no good - it would just knock him straight back out. With a sigh of resignation, she shook her again. "RYOGA! WAKE UP!!"

"Ferme ta grande bouche..." Ryoga-chan mumbled, before rolling over and pulling the covers over her head.

Ukyo blinked. OK, this calls for drastic measures now. With that thought, she leaned over and started to tickle her.

It worked.

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!" Ryoga-chan jumped about twelve feet into the air and whirled around to face the giggling Ukyo. "What the hell did you do that for?!!"

Ukyo sniggered. "You get mad when I splash you and yelling didn't work so I tried a different approach."

"Yeah, well it's no less annoying," Ryoga-chan grumbled under her breath. She curled up on the floor and pulled the covers up again. "And it's still early. Wake me later," she finished with a yawn.

"Ryoga Hibiki, if you do not get up and dressed within the next ten seconds, I will splash you with cold water," Ukyo threatened. "We need to figure out how we're getting out of here."

"Whatever you say, oh lord and master," Ryoga-chan mumbled under her breath.

"What was that you said?!"

The image of an oversized spatula crowded Ryoga-chan's mind and she quickly sat up. "I said, I'm up!"

"Wow, you look dreadful," Ukyo informed her.

"Thank you."

"No, seriously." Ukyo leaned forward and placed a palm against her forehead. "How do you feel?"

Ryoga-chan yawned. "I feel fine, so stop worrying," she said, walking over to the large dresser and looking in the mirror. "I..." She stopped with a frown. "Hmm..."

"What?"

Ryoga-chan glanced at her over her shoulder. "I wonder if I'd be able to use that mirror trick to get us out of here...?" She carefully placed her hands on the surface of the glass.

You know when you have a glass of lemonade? With one of those cute straws? And when you look at it, the straw bends and looks smaller in the lemonade? That's what happened to Ryoga-chan's fingers, except it was more like sticking your fingers into a moving blender blade rather than a glass of lemonade.

"OWWW!!"

With a hiss of pain, she rapidly withdrew her hand, blood running down her fingers. "Well, that obviously didn't work!" Stupid baka mirror, won't even let me go home when I want to!

"Are you all right?" Ukyo tried to examine her hand as it was waved through the air (like you do when you burn your fingers trying to get the toast out of the toaster).

Ryoga-chan gritted her teeth. "I feel as though I have just stuck my hand into the moving blades of a rotary fan. Of COURSE I'm all right!!! What could possibly be wrong?!?!"

"Hey, jerk, just because I'm trying to show a little concern here, you don't have..." Ukyo bit her tongue. "I'm sorry."

"Huh?!?!" Ryoga-chan ceased waving her hand in the air and stared at her companion.

"Can I take a look at your hand...?" Ukyo asked carefully, reaching out her arm.

"I...I guess so..." Sense of impending doom! Why is she apologizing? Why is she being nice to me when I yelled at her? Ryoga-chan carefully held her hand out, half expecting Ukyo to grab her by the wrist and throw her through the air.

Instead, Ukyo simply removed the ribbon from her hair and tied it around her hand in a makeshift bandage. "There. You'll be OK, just don't try that again or you'll be lucky to keep your fingers attached to your hand."

"..." ... Why is she being nice, dammit! Even more importantly, how can I get it to last??? Ryoga-chan stared at Ukyo, who was prowling through the closet.

"Here."

Ukyo tossed a dress over to her, jolting her out of her trance. Ryoga-chan pulled a face. "This is a dress. Isn't there anything else?"

"No," Ukyo chirped cheerfully. "Now get dressed, then go away." She examined the other girl critically as she yanked the long dress over her head. "You should've worn a nightgown. Washu's right, you'll freeze yourself to death if you're not careful."

"I am not wearing a nightgown!!!" Ryoga-chan snapped. "You've seen the ones there, they're all lacy and silky and small... and tight... and slinky..." she trailed off slowly as her gaze traveled over Ukyo, wearing a such said nightgown and a scowl. Oh boy... she looks SO cuuute... Her brain instantly fried.

"PERVERT!!!!!!!!" Seeing blood trickling from her companions nose, Ukyo grabbed the spatula of doom and swung.

THUMP

"What a maroon," she muttered, nudging Ryoga-chan's fainted body with her toe.

End Prologue

===========================

PART III

All's Fair in Love, War and Kareoke.

===========================

"Are you going to sing, Nabiki?" Akane asked her sister. Up on stage, Ranma-chan finally managed to complete the ending theme to El Hazard, kicking Kuno in the face as he reattempted to glomp her for the fourth time.

"Are you kidding? Why would I do that when I have Kuno-baby to sponge off?" She looked at Akane, who gave her a disbelieving look. Nabiki? Turn down the chance to get more money?! "OK," she sighed. "I'm chicken," she admitted. "What about you?"

Ranma-chan flopped onto her chair. "That tomboy, sing? Are you mad?!"

Akane glared at her and stood up. "I'll show you, Ranma! Just you watch!" She stormed up to the stage and grabbed the microphone. ", Kiss me, I love the bearded barley, lightly, beside the green, green grass, swing, swing, swing the spinning step, you wear those shoes and I will wear that dress... oh, kiss me, beneath the milky twilight ...,"

"OK, so the tomboy isn't half bad," Ranma-chan said grudgingly.

Kuno bounded forward. "Akane Tendo, I will fulfill your request!"

Akane kicked him in the head without breaking tune, then returned to her seat. "Ha! How was that then, Ranma?!"

"You were OK, I suppose," Ranma-chan said in her best uninterested voice.

They watched the judges whisper among themselves for a moment, before the main man (what else can I call him??) walked to the center of the stage. "The judges have made their decision. The winner is... Miss Keiko Hibiki!"

"Yay!!" The black-haired kid (Now I can finally type her name!) bounced on stage and grabbed the prize money. "Thanx!"

Ranma-chan and Akane exchanged glances. "Coincidence?" Akane asked weakly.

"Hibiki is a pretty common surname..."

"Hold it, you delinquent!!" All heads turned to the little girl stood in the doorway. "You've stolen my yen for the last time! I, Hinako Ninomiya shall bring you to justice!" She flicked a coin, catching it between finger and thumb. "HAPPO FIFTY YEN..."

PING

With a growl, Hinako-chan rooted through her pockets. "Uh... HAPPO FIF..."

PING

Another bracelet knocked the coin from her grasp. "QUIT IT!!!"

"You've won the contest, kid, leave her alone," Ranma-chan advised. She lifted Keiko off the stage.

The child squirmed in her grip. "Don't let her get the yen! Put me down!"

"HAPPO FIFTY YEN SATSU!!"

CHOMP

Ranma-chan yelped and dropped Keiko like a hot potato as sharp teeth bit down on her arm. "You little..." She paused in shock, feeling her strength fade. "What the..."

Everybody stared in shock as Hinako-chan's body grew, filling out her clothes and giving her height. She stepped over Ranma-chan's drained body and advanced on Keiko. "Take this, you little thief!" She made a triangle with her hands. "HAPPO NO YEN COIN RETURN!!"

At that moment, Ranma-chan stood up, only to be met will the full force of the blow. Keiko dodged and Ranma-chan became a part of the wall. "Owww...."

"I did warn you!" was her parting call as she dashed out of the door, closely followed by the yelling form of Hinako-chan.

"So when was it decided that I was going to marry him?!" Ukyo growled.

Ryoga-chan sighed. "You're the girl, remember? Although..." She paused. "I don't see why he can't marry a girl from here, though."

"That I would do," proclaimed a voice behind her. Ryoga-chan jumped in surprise, turning to see Tinamous. He bowed down. "However, you may not have noticed, but this realm is sparsely populated. Although there are many pretty ladies here, there are not so many of my age, and those that are, my mother, the Lady Ibis, would not permit me to wed."

"Shouldn't you have the choice though?" Ukyo asked. "I don't fancy being a divorcee at sixteen."

"Younger than you are happy mothers made," Tinamous quipped. "My mother is all- powerful here. I had to fight for many months for the privilege to date with Yukio-chan."

Ryoga-chan sighed. And too soon married are those so early made, she though, remembering the line after the one Tinamous had quoted. My will to her consent is but a part... if Ucchan doesn't want to marry the guy, she shouldn't have to, she decided. "Lord Tinamous... would you permit me to be your bride instead of Ucchan?"

"If she would prefer," Tinamous said with a shrug.

Ukyo stared at the other girl in amazement. "Y-you really mean it?" she whispered. Maybe... maybe he really does like me!

Tinamous nodded slowly. "Very well then. I shall tell my mother that I will marry Ryoga."

A new voice cut through the air. "So! I turn my back for five minutes and you're already gathering new brides!"

There, framed in the doorway was a woman with short, dark brown hair. She was wearing a peacock-blue chinese dress and a scowl. A bandage was wrapped around her head. Oh yeah. And she was carrying a frying pan.

"Y... YUKIO-CHAN!!" Tinamous jumped forward, arms outstretched.

CLANG

"Don't you Yukio-chan me!" She lifted the frying pan and glared at him some more. "I fell off a ladder and hit my head, winding up in hospital! Next thing I know, I'm being told you're choosing new brides!!!"

"T-the curse..." Tinamous whimpered in defense.

CLANGCLANGCLANG

"HALLOWEEN'S NOT FOR THREE WEEKS! YOU COULD'VE WAITED!!"

"I think I'm beginning to see the resemblance," Ryoga-chan noted.

Tinamous finally managed to detach himself from the frying pan. "Yukio-chan... let me explain!" He grabbed her hands. "I did not know that you had been harmed. But, I do know that if by Halloween I am unwed, you know that all females in the realm would die." He paused for dramatic effect. "This would include you. Ryoga knows that I don't love her - she only agreed to marry me to help. Yukio-chan..." He drew her close. "I love you. Will you marry me?"

Yukio looked at Ryoga-chan and Ukyo. "Is this the truth?"

"Oh, absolutely!"

"You betcha!"

Yukio turned her gaze back to the young lord. "Tina-chan... I accept you proposal."

"YATTA!!! Oops! Sorry!" Tinamous blushed.

Ukyo smiled. "I don't want to be a nag or anything... but can we go home now???!"

End Part III (Yeah, yeah... I know it was just a short one!)

Note - (Geez! An authors note!) In so many fanfics, the maidens are kidnapped for princes/ lords/ kings/ royal viziers/ magicians/ wizards/ goblins/ aged TV presenters as brides. I thought it would be interesting for girls to be kidnapped by somebody who was entirely willing to let them go.

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PART IV

Sweet dreams.

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Urd covered her ears as her youngest siblings tuneless warbling cut through her meditation. (Ie: drinking sake and watching TV.) "Skuld! Shut up!" Skuld ignored her. ", ... wancha in my room, we'll hic spend the night together, fer now intill...," She reached for the brandy again and Urd's eyes widened.

"NO!" She grabbed the bottle away. "No more for you, runt!"

Skuld's eyes welled up. "Y-you hate me?"

Aw, geez! For a second, Urd considered calling Belldandy over to calm Skuld down, quickly banishing the idea as she realized she'd get a lecture on unhealthy amounts of alcohol. She knelt down and smiled at her sister. "I don't hate you, Skuld-chan."

Skuld grinned, tears vanishing as quickly as they had appeared. Urd suddenly realized the lack of brandy bottle in her arms and looked up just in time to see Skuld swig a mouthful. "Tank oo, Urd-neechan!" Urd covered her ears as the lyrics started up again.

Much to the relief of Urd's sanity, Ryoga-chan and Ukyo entered the restaurant before Skuld could really get into her singing. She stood up and bowed. "Hi, I..."

"YURE BACK!!!" Skuld dropped her bottle and glomped Ryoga-chan, knocking them both over. "I waaaas soooooo worried!!!" She waved a finger blearily in front of the other girls nose. "Don-dontcha EVER scare l'il Skuld like dat agaaaaain!"

Ukyo developed a twitch under her eye (very much like Akane) and began to glow. "WELL! Don't let me interrupt your happy reunion!!"

Ryoga-chan managed to struggle into a sitting-up position. "W-wait! It's not what you..."

THUMP

"... think..." she finished from beneath Ukyo's elbow before falling over unconscious.

"Wha-whatcha do that for?" Skuld mumbled, annoyed that the object of her support was less steady on it's feet than she was. "He dida do nuthin' to you..." she trailed off, turning a shade of pale green. "I'm gunna puke."

Urd managed to drag her to the bathroom before Skuld ... you know. "Sorry about that," she said bashfully, returning. "I put some brandy in her cocoa and she decided she liked it."

"Who are you?" Ryoga-chan asked, rubbing her head. She glanced around the room. "Where'd Skuld go?"

"I'm Urd, Skuld's big sister. You must be Ryoga and Ukyo. I thought I should come and keep an eye on her while you were away," she explained. "Skuld's in the bathroom, yakking up her guts."

Ukyo grimaced. "Rather more information than we needed."

Ryoga-chan went through a quick dress-change/ sex-change before returning to the room. "We should go and tell the others we're back..."

GLOMP

"Yay! You back!" Skuld chirruped, apparently none the worse for wear. Until she passed out, still clinging to Ryoga's shirt.

WHAMMO

"OW!"

"WHY DON'T YOU JUST MARRY HER?!!!"

Urd watched the scene with interest. Getting these two together's gonna be one tough challenge, alright! She clapped her hands together. "Why not drop the sprog in her bed, then tell me how you managed to escape?" she suggested.

Ukyo stopped turning Ryoga into bean paste for a moment. "We didn't escape, they let us go."

"They let you go?!" Urd repeated in amazement. "But that defies all the 'maiden-stealing leading-men living in magical lands' laws!"

Ukyo decided not to question that remark. "I'm going to go visit Ranchan now. Come on, Ryoga."

"What? Me?" Ryoga pointed to himself in surprise. "You want me to come along too?"

I'm not leaving you alone with them! She grinned at him. "Dontcha want to see Akane?"

"I guess so..." he said half-heartedly, trying to detach himself from Skuld.

"Great-grandmother, Shampoo think mission is hopeless." The purple haired amazon looked around her at the group of people. "Is no no good to try get lost with so many people, no? Someone always recognize place."

Cologne nodded slowly. "I believe you're right, Shampoo. We should return to Nerima and re-evaluate our options."

Nabiki wearily agreed. "Nerima's not far if you go by bus."

"So once again, somebody know's where we are," Ranma grumbled. "Are you sure there's no other way to find this place?"

"I could always wipe your mind clean of every place you've ever been, but you got rid of all my formula 114 shampoo," Cologne replied, glaring at Nabiki as she said this. Nabiki pretended not to notice and Cologne turned away, looking at the rest of the group. "So we're all agreed - go back to the Tendo homestead and make new plans, OK?"

The gang agreed reluctantly. "Hey, Kuno-baby, if you pay for all of us to get a taxi, I'll give you five free photo's of the pigtailed girl," Nabiki offered.

"Sold!"

"HEY!"

"Not all of us are martial artists, Ranma," Nabiki whispered. "Unless you'd rather carry me back, I suggest you shut up and enjoy the ride."

The two groups made it to the Tendo Dojo at the same time. I know, I know, Ryoga and Ukyo left ages ago, but made a quick stop at Doctor Tofu's along the way. (Let's go through it step by step. Mikado makes pass at Ukyo. Ryoga steps in to pound Mikado. Ukyo pounds Ryoga for interfering. Mikado makes another pass at Ukyo. Ukyo pounds Mikado, then pounds Ryoga again for not rescuing her.)

Akane was the first to notice them. "Ukyo! Ryoga! You're back!"

Darn! Oh well... Mousse did a quick inventory check. Out of firearms. Guess I can wait a little while.

"They're back?" Cologne pogo ed over. "Well, well. What a stroke of good fortune."

GLOMP

"Oh you're safe, you're back I was so worried I'm glad you're OK I..." Mihoshi wailed.

WHAM

"Gee, aren't you the casanova," Ukyo spat, once again attaching her elbow to Ryoga's face. "Pretty ladies just queueing up to welcome you home!" She stormed over to Ranma, hugging him tight. "Didja miss me, Ranchan?"

"I-uh-um... Akane, it's not what it looks like, I swear!" Ranma yelled on instinct.

Akane simmered. "You think I'm going to throw a fit just because you're welcoming back a friend?" A friend, and NOTHING more! "Is that how little you think of me?!"

Dear brain. By the time you receive this message, you will be crushed to pieces. It was nice knowing you.

"RANMA, YOU JERK!"

WHAM

Ryoga slowly opened his eyes just in time to see Happosai loom into vision. "ARGH! HELP!"

SPLASH

"Why, hi there, cutie! Happy's happy to see you too!"

"GET AWAY FROM ME, YOU DISGUSTING COCKROACH!!!" Ryoga-chan gritted her teeth and struggled for a few moments before managing to channel several thousand gigawatts through the old man.

"How dare you act so disrespectfully to your elder?!" Happosai snarled. "I'll..."

Kasumi appeared at the door, instantly defusing the potentially dangerous situation. "Why, hello everyone. Why not come in?"

As she stood aside to let them pass, Ranma grabbed Ryoga-chan by the arm. "Come with me. I found something you might find useful," he whispered before jumping through his window.

CRASH

"Maybe it would have been less painful to open that window first, Ranma?" Ryoga-chan said dryly.

Ranma grumbled to himself for a moment, before walking (maybe painfully crawling is a better way to put it) over to his rucksack and pulling out a scroll. "Here. I found it when I was looking for the Desperation Strikes," he explained, tossing it to her.

Could it be... the way to a cure? Ranma's found a cure and he's willing to share it! Ryoga-chan unrolled the scroll eagerly and read it. Her expression changed from happy to confused, then to furious. "Is this some kind of joke?!!"

"Nope. That's tried and true techniques, passed down thr-ack!"

Ryoga-chan shook him by the collar. "Saotome..."

"I was only trying to help, y'ungrateful jerk!" Ranma asked, pulling away. "You don't want it then?"

"I guess I'll hold onto it for a little while," Ryoga-chan replied unenthusiastically.

Ukyo couldn't sleep.

Pounding her pillow, she closed her eyes again, trying to empty her mind. Didn't even come close to working. With a sigh, she sat up and glared at the two soused goddesses sprawled asleep on the floor.

Maybe a nice, hot drink will help... she thought, getting up and making her way to the kitchen.

Waiting for the kettle to boil, her senses suddenly sprang to all-alert. Footsteps... She quickly dashed to the doorway and looked up the stairs, then heaved a sigh of relief. "Skuld!"

Skuld plopped onto a chair and leaned her head against the table. "My head hurts..." she whined.

"I'm not surprised," Ukyo said dryly. "You knocked back almost a whole bottle of brandy when you were worrying about Ryoga." She turned back to the kettle and poured out a cup of tea. "Want some?" she asked, turning back to the goddess.

A thought suddenly jumped to the front of her mind, screaming for attention. Skuld and Ryoga!

CRASH

"Whawas that?" Skuld asked weakly, lifting her head off the table.

"I-uh I dropped my cup..." Ukyo stuttered, backing out of the room. She ran up the stairs and sat down on one of the armchairs in her living room. Skuld and Ryoga... are a couple! She mentally kicked herself. Why hadn't she spotted it?! After all, Skuld was a cute goddess. She could have anyone she wanted. And Ryoga was hardly unattractive either, she admitted to herself. She should have noticed it! She popped up in his bath, they were always talking in his room, and they often disappeared at the same time - no doubt, out on some kind of date together. I've been dumped for a goddess, she thought dismally. This really sucks!

Ryoga could sleep.

This doesn't mean he enjoyed it. Ranma's scroll had brought that subject to the front of his mind, the one he was trying his hardest to forget about. Yup, THAT subject. Kissing Ukyo.

Unfortunately, every likely scenario he could think of ended with grievously serious actual bodily harm and loss of money /pride / body parts.

And like many people under a hell of a lot of stress (Macbeth, Anastasia, loads of the kids in the Nightmare on Elm Street films and my mate Cecilia), he started sleepwalking, his mind still searching for a solution that didn't involve mass amounts of pain.

It was on Ukyo's return to her room that she walked into him. Instantly, The Likely Scenario went into replay. (Find Ukyo, kiss her, wait for pain, recuperate in hospital for the next six months.)

Skuld stumbled up the stairs behind her. "He's sleepwalkin 'gain," she noted.

"It's not another demon, is it?" Ukyo asked, before slapping herself in the forehead. Why am I asking somebody who's veins are 70% alcohol?!

Skuld swayed. "Naaah. Jus shove 'im bach in his room an' he'll be fine."

Some sixth sense told Ryoga that there was somebody in front of him. "... Ucchan?"

"Yeah?" Ukyo asked, spinning around. Sleep-talking too. That's it buddy, you are going to a sleep clinic tomorrow!

Her response reached Ryoga, interacting with the Ukyo in his dream. OK, first checkpoint. Find Ukyo - check. Second checkpoint (as if he could hardly forget it!). Kiss her. Now, how did Shampoo do it?

"Come on, you," Ukyo said, taking hold of his arm. "Let's get you back-mmph!"

Whatever she had been expecting, it definitely wasn't for Ryoga to lean forward, wrap his arms around her waist, whisper "Je t'aime," and gently kiss her on the lips, effectively cutting off both the rest of her sentence and all rational thought. Frozen in shock, she simply stood there, blinking in amazement until he pulled away.

Skuld began to wonder exactly how much she'd had to drink.

Ryoga continued to wait for pain, pain that Ukyo was in too much shock to dish out. Finally, he accepted that nothing was going to happen to him, and he wandered away - surprisingly enough, back to his own room.

Ukyo slowly turned around and stared at Skuld. "D-did he just... d-did we... you saw... did he..."

Skuld nodded. "He did."

Ukyo nodded slowly. "He was asleep, right?"

"Right."

"You are drunk, right?"

"Yup."

"Nobody need ever know about this," Ukyo finished, heading back to her room. And I'm never going to think about it again.

End Part IV

===================================

PART V

Certain Death Teacher!

Schooldays are NOT the Best Days of Our Lives.

===================================

"Morning, squirt. How's your head?"

Skuld groaned. "Kill me. Please."

"Not good, eh?" Urd noticed. She turned back to her cooking to hide a wry grin. That'll teach you that big sister knows best!

Skuld winced as Urds voice rang in her ears and pounded through her head. So this was what hangovers felt like. Next time I'll sympathize with Urd, she thought, glaring at her reflection in the grill. Her head was thumping, her mouth was dry and there was a nasty taste and she looked worse than the Grim Reapers passport photo. Also, she kept seeing disturbing images in her mind and she was still trying to ascertain which were real and which weren't. "Ukyo and Ryoga are back, right?"

"Yep." Urd looked at the clock. "If fact, if they don't get up soon, they'll be late for school."

Ryoga chose that second to come charging down the stairs, much to Skuld's despair. "Morning! Where's Ucchan? We'll be late!"

"She's still asleep. Breakfast?" Urd offered the pan forward.

Ryoga studied the contents for a moment, then decided it would be kinder to his stomach to decline. "No thank you. I'll go wake her up." He vanished up the stairs. There was a few moments of silence before...

"EEEEEEEEEEK!!!"

CLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANG

CRASH

Looooong pause. Urd and Skuld stared at the new hole in the ceiling/ floor, then at the crash site where Ryoga was lying, covered by the telltale marks of Ukyo's patented spatula attacks.

"I have a question," Urd said finally.

"What?" Skuld asked weakly.

She held out the pan of mixed giblets- uh, food - under Skuld's nose. "Do you think this needs more salt?"

Skuld pushed it away and knelt down next to Ryoga's prone form. "Hey! What did you do to her?!"

Ryoga opened his eyes and groaned. "I woke her up, that's all!"

Ukyo thundered down the stairs. "Sorry! You made me jump!" She grabbed him by the knot of his bandanna. "Come on, we're late!"

"Wait! My book bag! My breakfast! Ucchan waaaaiiiit!!!

"Aloooohhhhaaaa, keiki! Da big Kahuna got sometin ta say. Seein how Halloween comin close an' all, I gone an' decided ta t'row all my keiki a big ol' luau." Silence echoed through the room. However, the principal ignored it and continued his little speech. "An another thin, you is havin bran' new teacher! She clean up three reform schools!"

"Furinkan? A reform school?" Hiroshi commented.

"Yay. New teacher," Ranma groaned. "Anyone he likes means trouble for us."

"Allow me to introduce Miss Hinako Ninomiya!"

He waved at the doorway and a cute little girl bounced into the room. "Hi! I'm Hinako Ninomiya!" She leaned forward and waved a finger threateningly. "All you bad kids better watch out!!!!"

Akane, Ranma and Mihoshi stared at her in amazement - Ranma in particular, remembering the draining technique she'd used on him. All the other students merely face- faulted. Still smiling, Hinako-chan looked around the room, until her gaze fell upon Ryoga. The smile wavering somewhat, she bounced over to him. "Are you Ryoga Hibiki?"

Ryoga snapped out of his daydream and looked around in confusion. "Who, me? Yes, I am. Why?"

"HAPPO FIFTY YEN SATSU!"

The rest of the class watched with a mixture of shock, amazement and lust (from the boys! the boys! Well, maybe some of the girls too...) as Hinako-chan changed from child to adult, leaving Ryoga lying limply atop his desk. She smiled and flicked her hair over her shoulder. "Let that be a warning to you all." She walked over to the blackboard. "I'll be taking you for english..."

Screams from outside cut through her speech and she walked over to the window, the rest of the class (a VERY safe distance behind her.)

"Give us back our gym shorts, you old lecher!!!"

"Dirty old pervert!!"

"Come on, girls! Get the dirty old man!!"

Happosai bounced in front of his trademark stampede of girls, wearing a Furinkan High uniform. (Where he got one for someone a foot tall still beats me!) "Old man?! Can't you see my uniform?!"

Ranma shook his head. "He thinks people are going to fall for that?!"

Hinako gasped. "A delinquent student!" She vaulted out of the window and landed in front of the stampede path. "HAPPO NO YEN COIN RETURN!!!"

A wave of ki slammed into Happosai, knocking him back into the gang of girls, who immediately set about turning him into pancake batter or your best offer. Hinako-chan bounced up and down. "Yay! Bulls-eye!"

"You... little... brat..." Happosai gasped, climbing unsteadily to his feet and lurching forward. "Take this!!!"

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM

"Woah! That's some battle aura!" Ranma looked down at the battlefield, impressed.

"Do you think she'll be OK?" Ukyo asked.

Akane nodded. "Watch."

"HAPPO FIVE YEN SATSU!!!"

Ukyo blinked. "That's... some technique she's got!" She turned to Ranma. "You know her?"

"We met her when we were looking for the Realm of Lost Spirits," Ranma explained. "I didn't know she was going to be our teacher, though."

Outside, Hinako smirked down at Happosai. "Feel the power of the Anything Goes School of Martial Arts Ultimate Attack, delinquent!" she said triumphantly.

"Anything Goes...?" Akane wondered aloud.

"She nailed Happosai in one blow!" Mihoshi gushed.

Hinako returned to the room and shooed the students away from the window. "Back to your seats!"

Class continued uneventfully for a while, until Ryoga regained consciousness. He blinked a few times, then leaned over and poked Ranma. "Who's that woman? Where'd the little girl go?"

Hinako whirled around. "Mr Hibiki! No talking in class! HAPPO NO YEN COIN RETURN!"

With that, Ryoga found himself part of the structure of the building. Why me...

Hinako walked down the corridor, closely followed by a crowd of boys.

"What's your favourite food?!"

"Can you give us your measurements?!"

"How about your phone number?!"

She laughed lightly. "Boys, students shouldn't hit on their teachers, you know."

"Well, can you at least tell us what kind of guys you like?" Hiroshi asked curiously.

Hinako stopped walking and the boys all waited eagerly. "Well, he'd have to strong - someone I could count on..." She paused and watched Ranma, Akane, Ukyo and Ryoga walk by. (Ryoga supported by both Ranma and Ukyo thanks to having been drained for not paying attention in class.) She narrowed her eyes. If you're anything like your sister, Mr Hibiki, I just know you'll be the greatest delinquent in this school... I've got my eye on you!

A chill went down Ryoga's spine.

Ranma turned around and glanced at Hinako. "Those techniques of hers are amazing..."

"They're also painfully irritating," Ryoga grumbled.

Hinako whipped around. "Mock my teaching methods, will you?!! HAPPO NO YEN COIN RETURN!!" She stalked away, a trail of boys left in her wake.

Ranma pried Ryoga out of the wall. "What did you to her? She seems to have some kind of grudge against you."

"I didn't do anything to her! She just has it in for me!" Ryoga protested, trying to find his balance.

Akane shook her head. "There has to be more to it than that. Not paying attention in class can hardly be classed as a zappable offence."

"Maybe you blundered through her wall or something," Ukyo suggested. Or maybe you kissed her on one of your midnight wanders... She shook her head. NO! I won't think about that!

Ranma watched Ryoga wobble again. "Come on, I'll take you to the nurses office."

"I don't need your help, Ranma," Ryoga growled through gritted teeth.

"Yeah? And how long do you think it'll take you to find it on your own? Let Ranchan help you," Ukyo advised. "Come on Akane, we've got PE next. We'd better start getting changed."

"Do you think it's the coin that's the source of her power?"

Ryoga watched Ranma pace the floor of the nurses station like a caged animal and shook his head. "Don't be a dunce. She uses different coins. And she didn't use any coin for that no yen return thing."

"Happo No Yen Coin Return," Ranma corrected. He sighed. "Wouldn't it be great to have an ultimate technique like that... do you think she'd teach me it?"

"Forget it. You wouldn't be able to use the Happo Five Yen Satsu if you stood on your head."

Ranma spun around. Happosai fluttered into the room. "What do you mean by that, you little lecher?!"

"Hinako has a specially modified metabolism, which enables her to drain battle auras," Happosai explained. "However, there is a way to combat this." He held out a scroll. "These pressure points will cut off her powers for good." He wobbled a little before continuing. "Ranma, m'boy, it's up to you to put a stop to Hinako, for the sake of all the martial artists in the world!"

"Hey! What about me, I'M the one she hates!" Ryoga cut in.

Happosai looked at him, then at Ranma. "Why not work together? If you combine your talents you should be able to defeat her."

Ranma and Ryoga exchanged a Look, before nodding grudgingly. "You distract her and I'll get her pressure points, OK?" Ranma decided. "You could Bakusai Tenketsu a wall or something."

Ryoga nodded and stood up. "Let's go."

"BAKUSAI TENKETSU!!"

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM

Ryoga stood back and studied his handiwork, waiting for the fireworks to commence. He wasn't disappointed.

"Mr Hibiki! How DARE you vandalize school property!!" Hinako-chan cried, stamping her foot on the floor.

"Sorry, Teach. I couldn't find my classroom," Ryoga lied (sort of).

"That's no excuse! HAPPO FIFTY YEN SATSU!!" Hinako-chan whipped out her fifty yen piece and began draining him. Ranma leapt down from his perch on the ceiling, landing behind her and looped an arm around her in an attempt to get to the pressure points, knocking her off balance. All three of them landed in a very compromising tangle.

187: Neriman Compromising Positions Law.

1. When people of the opposite sex are in a compromising situation a third party will 2. often witness said compromising position and jump to the wrong conclusion as 3. quickly as possible. Eg: If a Tendo daughter is caught in a compromising situation with a male (usually Ranma), Soun Tendo will walk in at the worst (or best, depending on your point of view) moment.

A large number of students had decided to investigate the explosion and ran around the corner before the three could sort themselves out. There was a short pause. Then whispers began, getting louder and louder.

"Look at that! Ranma Saotome's trying to add an older woman to his list of conquests!"

"I never knew those guys were into threesomes..."

"I always knew there was something strange about those two!" "I heard they take it in turns to be the girl."

"Well, I heard that that Hibiki guy wears Kuonji's underwear."

"Uh oh. Here comes Akane!"

"And Ukyo too. They look mad!"

The crowd parted before the two girls. Akane cracked her knuckles. "RAAAANNNNMMMMAAAA... not only do you try it on with another woman, but you drag poor Ryoga into this mess too!!"

"Don't you 'poor Ryoga' him, he probably talked Ranchan into this!" Ukyo snarled, waving her spatula around.

"W-wait! It's not what you think!" Ryoga protested.

"Akane, I can explain!" Ranma jumped to his feet and backed away, closely followed by Ryoga.

Hinako stood up, flicking her hair behind her shoulder. "I see what happened. You," she began, pointing at Ryoga, "must have talked Mr Saotome into this! I knew you were a delinquent the moment I set eyes on you!"

"T-that's insane!" Ryoga protested. Then he jumped to one side to avoid the spatula, which struck the spot where he'd been a second before. "Ucchan, it's a lie! I didn't do anything!"

"Save it, Hibiki!" Ukyo snarled. "Prepare to die!!!"

CLANNNNNGCRASHBANGCLANGCLANGCLANNNNNNNNNNNNNNN NNNNNG

"Wow, she really got you good," Ranma commented, examining the crumpled heap that was Ryoga.

Ryoga groaned and stood up slowly. "She is SUCH a tomboy. I can't kiss her, Ranma. She'd kill me first."

"How's that going, anyway?" Ranma asked eagerly. If those two get together then all my problems are solved!!! Wahahahahaha!!!!!...

In response, Ryoga merely glared at him and waved down at himself, cuts, bruises and rips in his clothing clearly evident. "What do YOU think?"

"Point taken."

"There's no way I can do it, Ranma! Please, let me do something else," he begged.

Ranma pretended to consider it for a second. "OK, you can tell Akane that you're P- chan."

"I hate you."

A voice spoke behind them. "Shouldn't you boys be in class?"

Ranma jumped into Ryoga's arms. "Don't zap me! He's the delinquent!"

Washu looked puzzled. "What are you talking about?"

"Washu Little Sensei! It's only you!" Ranma laughed in relief. "I thought you were Miss Hinako."

Ryoga let go of Ranma, dropping him on his butt on the floor. Washu laughed, then switched to stern. "Little Washu. Seriously, you should be in class. You'd better have a good excuse or I'll have to make you carry buckets."

"I was leading lost boy to the nurses office - again," Ranma told her, climbing to his feet and rubbing his rear. "That hurt, you know."

Washu looked at Ryoga with the trained eye of a mother and a total and utter scientific genius. "You should go home. But go to the nurses office - I'll write you a hall pass."

"Thanks, Sensei Washu." Washu returned to her classroom and the other two began to walk away, taking the outside route..

SPLASH

"Do you think there was someone out there?"

Ranma-chan shook her fist at the sky. "Could you guys at least LOOK out of the window before you throw buckets out of them??!!"

End Part V

===========================

PART VI Oh, What a Tangled Web We Weave

When First We Practice To...

===========================

"Excuse me?"

Ryoga-chan spun around to see Hinako-chan standing behind her. Not again!! Then she remembered the all-important piece of paper she was holding, and waved it like the white flag it was. "Hall pass! Hall pass! See, I have a hall pass and you can't hurt me!" She resisted the urge to add "so neener-neener-neener!"

Hinako-chan blinked. "I was just wondering if you knew where the plasters were. I got a paper cut and it hurts." She leaned closer to Ryoga-chan and narrowed her eyes. "Are you related to Ryoga Hibiki?" she asked suspiciously.

It was then that Ryoga-chan realized Hinako-chan didn't recognize her. Well, she wasn't about to make the situation worse, anyway. "No! No, my name's... uh... Ranka. Ranka... uh... Kurenai." She laughed nervously. "Yeah, Ranka Kurenai. That's me all right!"

Hinako-chan looked at her in concern. "What happened to you? You look hurt."

"I uh... got into a bit of a fight..."

"Ladies shouldn't really fight, you know," Hinako advised. "If you tell me who beat you up, I'll discipline them. It's a teachers duty!!"

"Nonono!! That's fine, that's OK, really!" Ryoga-chan held her hands out defensively. "The other guy looks worse off, believe me," she lied through her teeth.

Thankfully, she was saved by the arrival of the school nurse. "You again," she sighed. "Come on in then." Ryoga-chan instantly fled to the sanctuary of the nurses office.

Hinako-chan hovered around outside patiently, still on her quest for plasters when Ryoga gender properly restored - emerged from the office covered in cuts, scratches, bandages, multi coloured plasters and gauze trimmings. (And his clothes. I shouldn't have to say that!) He blinked at her in fear. "Uh... you're still here??" he enquired weakly.

Hinako-chan glared at him for a moment. "You!" She posed dramatically. "You must have been the one who beat up that nice Ranka girl!"

"..."

"HAPPO FIFTY YEN SATSU!!!!"

Oh man... not again! Ryoga thought as his strength began to fade. He looked at Hinako's rapidly aging body and made a split second decision. This is no time to be shy... if she keeps draining my battle aura, she could kill me! And with that thought, he glomped.

Luck was (as per usual) once again not on Ryoga's side as everybody's favourite extortionist and blackmailer, Nabiki Tendo chose that second to fetch the nurse to bring aid to Furinkan's favourite blunt object, Tatewaki Kuno. She took in the scene before her, eyes agog. And here I thought the guy was the biggest wuss on the planet when it came to touching a girl! Finally, she spoke.

"Oh my!"

Hinako and Ryoga froze, then slowly swivelled their heads to look in Nabiki's direction. There was a loooooong silence.

"Excuse me. Very sorry." Nabiki stepped back into the corridor and closed the door behind her.

The closing click of the door jarred them out of their temporary shock. "N-Nabiki, wait!" Ryoga ran to the door and opened it and ran down the hallway. In the opposite direction. "It's not what you think!"

Hinako glared daggers after him. Why, that... lady-killing delinquent! She posed dramatically, waves crashing behind her. "I swear, Ryoga Hibiki, I will bring you to justice!!!"

"Looks like our new teacher has a few screws loose," Ayeka remarked just out of Hinako's earshot.

"Great. Now she matches all the others," Tenchi replied.

"... And I saw them with my own two eyes! Unable to keep their hands off of each other!" Nabiki retold her story to the little group around her, who gasped in amazement and whispered among themselves.

There were, of course, a few sceptics.

"Yeah right, Nabiki," Mihoshi scoffed. "She's his teacher."

"And she seems to really hate him," Ukyo pointed out.

Nabiki laughed. "You two are sooo naive. Think about it. Ryoga, the eternally lost boy, gets lost one day and..."

FLOATING PUBLIC DAYDREAM SEQUENCE

Chibi-Hinako is being chased by rabid wolves.

Chibi-Hinako: Eek! Help me, somebody!

Chibi-Ryoga: I'll save you, miss!

Chibi-Ryoga beats the wolves and Chibi-Hinako falls into his arms, sobbing.

Chibi-Hinako: Oh, my savior! How can I ever thank you??!!

"...And so begins the love affair," Nabiki continued. "But then, Ryoga gets lost again. Heart-broken, Hinako scours the world, searching for her long-lost love. Finally, she finds out that he's at Furinkan High, so she takes a job as a teacher to be close to him... would the loser with the violin please quit it?!! Thank you." She paused thoughtfully. "Now, where was I? Oh yes!" She snapped her fingers and continued. "She takes a job as a teacher, to scrape up enough money for them both to run away together, but neither of them can stand to be away from each other. They steal a few precious moments together whenever they can, away from prying eyes and ears..."

YET ANOTHER FLOATING PUBLIC DREAM SEQUENCE

Chibi-Ryoga meets Chibi-Hinako in her office when nobody's looking.

Chibi-Hinako: Oh Ryo-chan, my one and only, how I've missed you!

Chibi-Hinako and Chibi-Ryoga start kissing in a way that makes Romeo and Juliet look like Rosie and Jim. (BBC puppet show if you don't get it.) Finally, Chibi-Ryoga pulls away.

Chibi-Ryoga: Hina-chan, we mustn't! What if somebody were to find out?

Chibi-Hinako starts to cry.

Chibi-Hinako: Oh, you're right, my darling. But yet, I can't stand to be apart from you!

Chibi-Ryoga: Or I, you.

They kiss again, then Chibi-Hinako pulls away.

Chibi-Hinako: I have an idea. If I pretend to dislike you, then nobody will know of our secret!

Chibi-Ryoga: Hina-chan, you're a genius!

Chibi-Hinako: Oh Ryo-chan...

"...And like a whirlwind of love, he sweeps her into his arms, his kisses on her lips like rain on parched earth, oo-wah oo-wah," Nabiki finished, holding a microphone. (Been around Kuno too long, I reckon.)

There was a small silence. "You're crazy!" Ukyo finally spluttered.

"Am I?" Nabiki said smugly. "Normally I would charge for this, but I believe you have to be told." She handed over a photograph. Ukyo fell over backwards, still holding the photograph of Ryoga with his hand on Hinako's breast. Nabiki patted her on the shoulder as she slowly stood up. "You poor, misled girl, you must be heartbroken," she said in a soothing voice.

"How did you get this photo?" Ukyo asked quietly.

"Ah, the wonders of modern technology," Nabiki said proudly. Ukyo looked blank. "I have a camera in my watch," she explained.

Just then, Ryoga charged through the door and dove under a desk. Before anyone could react, Hinako-chan charged into the room as well. "WHERE IS THAT DELINQUENT, HIBIKI?!!!" she yelled, battle aura lighting her up like a bonfire.

Ukyo pointed out of the door. "He ran towards the gym," she lied before anybody else could get a word in. Hinako-chan vanished as quickly as she had appeared.

Ryoga emerged from his hidey hole. "Thanks, Ucchan," he said, gratefully. "I thought she was going to kill me."

Everyone was on standby for fireworks. They weren't disappointed. "I wouldn't let her kill you, Ryoga," Ukyo said sweetly. She reached for her battle spatula. "BECAUSE I WANT THAT PLEASURE FOR MYSELF!!!!"

The rest of this scene has not made it through the BBFC due to the adverse amount of violence. If you think that's bad, you don't wanna know what they did to La Blue Girl. (And no searching of the cutting-room floors!) -

Desperate times call for desperate measure. With that thought, Ryoga pulled the scroll out of his bag. Saotome School of Anything Goes Making Women Fall in Love With You. Sheesh! He continued reading as he limped down the corridor. "Step one, if she's cold, make her laugh. She'll love you for it." He looked up at the classroom and grinned. Yes! I made it all the way to Ucchan's classroom without getting lost!

Ukyo glanced at him as the class piled out, before giving a haughty sniff and walking past him, nose in the air. Undeterred, he walked after her. "Hey, Ucchan, I heard this really good joke, and I wanted to tell you it." He waited for some kind of response but got none. Oh well, nothing ventured, nothing gained. "Why did the biscuit cry?"

"Because his mother was a wafer so long," Ukyo snapped, turning on him. "If you want to make me laugh, go and jump in the spring of drowned lemming, then find a brick wall to hurl yourself off!" She stomped off, leaving him standing there, baffled.

"OK, so that didn't work." He pulled out the scroll and read the next step. "Step two, if you can't push, pull. A woman spurned is a woman intrigued. Hmmm..." Looking around him, he spotted a familiar face. "Hey, Ryoko!"

The space pirate turned around. "Yes?"

"How would you like to make Tenchi jealous?"

Ryoko was getting a little too into her role, Ryoga deduced, as she slung her arms around his neck and purred in his ear. "Why so shy, darling?" she teased.

"It's only an act, you don't have to glomp me," he whispered back. I get enough of that from Chinese amazons!

Ryoko ignored him, then suddenly tightened her grip. The reason soon became clear. "Hi Tenchi!"

"Ryoko! ...Ryoga!" Tenchi looked from one to the other.

"Could you tell Sasami not to make me any tea?" Ryoko asked, nuzzling Ryoga's neck. "We're going out to dinner."

"Oh. I didn't know you two were a couple...?" Tenchi said, smiling vaguely.

"We've been dating for simply aaaaages," Ryoko lied. She dug her nails into Ryoga's arm. "Haven't we, honeybunch?!"

"Uh... yeah. Yeah!" Ryoga gave up trying to loosen her grip. "Don't tell me you haven't noticed?"

"Welllll... you two have fun," Tenchi said, backing away. He turned and ran.

Ryoko collapsed into giggles. "Oh, the look on his face!!"

Ryoga turned slowly. "Uh... I think I understand why he ran..."

Ryoko turned as well. Behind them, stood Ukyo with a battle aura that could put Rudolf out of business. Ryoko backed away, leaving Ryoga to face the music. "There's... uh...someplace I have to be..."

Ukyo held her spatula menacingly. "You... you... CASANOVA!"

"W-wait, Ucchan, I can explain!"

"What's there to explain?!" she hissed. "You say you're in love with Akane, you're stringing along Mihoshi, you kiss Shampoo, you date Skuld, you're having a secret affair with your ENGLISH TEACHER and now you're dating Ryoko too??!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Ryoga stared at her in amazement. "WHAAAT?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"DRY UP AND DIE, YOU TOTAL JACKASS!!!"

CLANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN NNNNNNNNG

"Nice angle," Ryoko observed. Ukyo turned the evil eye on her. Then a look of fear crossed her face before she ran for the hills.

With a sense of extreme foreboding, Ryoko turned around to see Mihoshi standing behind her. "Hello Ryoko."

"Uh... I can explain, Mihoshi! Really!" Ryoko backed away.

Mihoshi gave her a saccharin sweet smile. "Don't bother. JUST DIE!!"

Genma and Ranma were sparring above the pond. For once, neither of them seemed to gain the upper hand. Kasumi popped her head around the doorway. "Ranma, Mr Saotome, dinner is ready."

The two martial artists landed at opposite sides of the pond. "Be right there!" Ranma called.

"I think this the first time you've called those two in from a practice and neither of them has gotten wet," Akane observed.

"....aaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

SPLAAAAAAAAAAASH

"You had ta say that, didn't you," Ranma-chan grumbled, wringing water out of her shirt. She reached into the pond and dragged a semi-conscious Ryoga-chan out by her collar. "Yo, Ryoga! What happened?"

Ryoga-chan glared at her. "Step Two. Backfired." She coughed. "I mean, REALLY backfired."

"Ouch," Ranma said sympathetically. "So it's Step Three then, show her that you need her." He grinned. "Akane can cook you dinner, then I'll slam you back to Ucchans."

"Ugh. Haven't I suffered enough already?" she groaned.

"No." Ranma smiled sweetly. "So how's things going with Hinako?"

"Curl up and die, Saotome. I..." Ryoga-chan stopped in mid-rant, her eyes widening, before jumping to her feet and grabbing Ranma's sleeve. "Has Hinako seen your female form yet?"

Ranma thought for a moment. "No. Why?"

Ryoga-chan grinned slyly. "I think I've just worked out how to get those pressure points without us looking like total perverts..."

Skuld, hangover now completely vanished, watched her elder sister as she sorted through a variety of powders, potions and poisons. "Aha!" Urd cried, finally triumphant as she held up a bag of pale peach powder. "Found it!"

"What is it?"

The elder goddess smiled happily. "It's an affection powder. When Ukyo returns, we toss a small bit of it at her so she inhales it, then she'll have heightened feelings of affection for the next man she sees. That way, she'll stop beating him up at every available opportunity. And when she realizes how much fun they both have when they're being nice to each other, she won't need the powder."

Skuld frowned. "Are you sure it's a good idea? Magically aided love affairs in Nerima fail 94% of the time."

Urd snorted. "87% of statistics are made up on the spot." She spun around and placed her hands on Skuld's shoulders. "Look, squirt, meddling in peoples love lives is what I do best. Trust me a little, OK?"

Skuld sighed. "I..."

"I HATE THAT JERK!!!"

BANG

With a shriek of surprise, Urd flung her hands into the air as Ukyo slammed the door violently behind her. The bag of affection powder spiralled through the air.... until it struck the wall and exploded.

End Part VI

=========================

PART VII

Two's Company, Three's a Mess.

=========================

Ukyo coughed and waved her hands, trying to fend away the peach cloud enveloping her. "What the hell IS this stuff?!!!"

Ohshitohshitohshit!!! Urd hyperventilated. She charged through the rapidly dispersing cloud to her collection of magical goods. "Everybody, stay calm!!!"

CRASH

Ryoga landed (amidst most of the roof and ceiling) in an untidy heap on the floor. "Owww... Ranma, your aim's off!"

The three girls stood stock-still for a moment, until the powder took full control. "Ryoga, you poor thing! What happened to you?!" Urd cried in horror. "I'll go get the first aid kit," she cried, vanishing.

Ukyo smiled at him. "Come on sweetie. I'll make you an okonomiyaki."

Ryoga blinked in amazement. Wow! Step Three... actually seems to be working!!!

"Drink?" offered a voice over his shoulder.

"Thanks!" Climbing painfully to his feet, he accepted the glass of orange juice from Skuld's outstretched hands and took a swig. "Hey!" He peered at the contents suspiciously, then at Skuld. "This isn't orange juice - it's Bucks Fizz! Are you trying to get me drunk?" he half-teased.

Skuld grinned and dragged him into the small living room and over to the sofa. "Yep. Then I shall take compromising photographs of you and send them to as many international newspapers as I can. Of course," she added, "we'll have to sort out those injuries." She leaned towards him as close as possible, pretending to examine the slight damage remaining from the air trip across town. Careful now... don't want to be too obvious, she warned herself.

Urd re-entered the room with the speed and grace of a small tornado, settling down on the other side of Ryoga. Skuld glared at her. "I'm guessing you have some kind of reason for changing into a nurse's outfit, eh, onee-chan?"

Urd pretended to look hurt. "Just getting into the mood." "I'll bet!"

Ryoga looked at the two goddesses with a growing feeling of unease. "Well, I'm feeling much better," he began in a falsely cheerful voice. "So why don't I just leave you two ladies here..."

"NO!!!"

Ryoga backed as far into the sofa as he could with a small squeak of fright as two angry faces filled his line of vision. "Just a suggestion!"

Ukyo bounced into the room, okonomiyaki held aloft like a trophy. Her eyes scanned the sofa, which Urd and Skuld were doing there best to fill. Oh well... I'll just sit... She sat down on Ryoga's lap. "Here!"

This was just TOO strange, even on a normal day. Poor Ryoga vacated his seat so fast he managed a small sonic boom. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!!!?!!!?!!!?!!!" he yelled, face beet-red and heart pounding. "Have you gone INSANE?!!?!!"

Ukyo pouted. "I was just trying to make up for being such a grouch earlier."

Ryoga continued to back away. "Great. That's wonderful. I forgive you, so now you can go back to behaving like you normally do."

"Would you rather I beat you senseless?" Ukyo asked sweetly.

"Uh... no?"

Blossoms of innocence bloomed around Ukyo as she advanced on him. "So sit down and eat. I won't bite," she teased. A crafty glint appeared in her eyes. "Unless you want me to..."

THUMPBANG

The plate of okonomiyaki bounced across the floor, much to Ryoga's dismay. "I was hungry!"

Urd removed her elbow from the top of Ukyo's head. "I'll make you some food!"

Ukyo pushed Skuld's long handled mallet away from her skull and stepped in front of the tall goddess. "He's MY fiancee, I'LL cook for him!"

"Like hell you will!"

"Watch me!!"

What is with those two...? Ryoga cast a wary glance at Skuld. "You haven't gone peculiar as well, have you?"

Skuld smiled. "Peculiar? Moi?" This is my chance! She linked her arm through his. "Why don't we get out of the firing line and I'll show you my latest weapon for mass demon destruction, eh?"

"Sounds good," Ryoga agreed. Sounds normal. Sounds... safe.

Skuld grinned evilly at the kitchen where the sound effects from World War III could currently be heard and herded Ryoga out of the room.

Ukyo eyed Urd's cooking with distaste. "You actually think he'll willingly eat that stuff?!" she asked scornfully. "If I were him, I'd eat Kodachi's cooking before that slop."

Urd gritted her teeth and looked at the.... a word has yet to be invented to describe what she'd created - to call it food would be blasphemy. She had to admit, it didn't look good. In fact, it didn't even look remotely edible. Then she smirked. I'll just have to find some other way to knock his socks off! She patted Ukyo on the shoulder. "You're right. I'll go and send Ryoga in, OK?"

Ukyo nodded and looked at the meal she was carefully preparing. "I hope he likes it..."

"I'm sure he will," Urd reassured her, looking at the perfect wakatakejiru, the perfect teriyaki chicken, the perfect... need I go on? Pity he won't get to eat it!

"So where's this new weapon?"

Skuld blinked. "What new weapon?" she asked innocently.

Ryoga frowned and spoke slowly. "The new weapon you wanted to show me...?"

"Oh yeah." Skuld looked thoughtful, then smiled sweetly. "I lied."

"Bwah?!" Ryoga gaped at her. "W-why?!"

"To get you alone, of course," Skuld explained matter-of-factly. Impulsively, she hugged him. "I love you," she whispered.

Ryoga's brain almost self-destructed, except for one thought. If Ucchan catches us, she'll murder us both! He wriggled away hurriedly. "What's going on? Is this some kind of trick?" As far as he knew, it wasn't April 1st.

"After all the time we've spent together... you don't feel anything too???" Skuld's eyes filled with tears. "Y-you d-don't like me???"

"B-b-but...." Ryoga didn't have the faintest clue how to handle crying girls - especially crying girls who'd just proclaimed their love for him. Help... He inched forward warily. "I-I do like you, Skuld, but-"

GLOMP

"OooohyouDOcareI'msohappythisisthebestdayofmyentireLIFE..." Skuld wailed into his shirt.

Dear God, I swear if you get me out of this, I'll never ask for anything more in my entire life... except for a couple of favors every now and again, Ryoga's mind babbled.

Urd chose that moment to enter the room, dressed in one of her spectacular outfits that showed off maximum skin and almost killed Ryoga on the spot. "SKULD???!"

Skuld gulped. "...Hi?"

Urd grabbed her little sister by the collar and forcefully dragged her away from the new love of her life, who was still paralysed. "You little BRAT, what d'you think you're playing at?!?!?!"

"Don't call me a brat!" Skuld retorted. "I'm not some kind of little kid, you know!"

Urd grabbed Ryoga by the arm and yanked him towards the door. "Go play with your dolls. You're still too young to be thinking about boys."

Skuld grabbed hold of his other arm and pulled. "He's MINE!! I was here FIRST!!"

"Back off, runt!"

"Let go of him!"

"In your dreams!!!"

"YOU'RE PULLING MY ARMS OFF!!!"

Both goddesses stepped back, looking slightly guilty. "Sorry."

Ryoga looked at them both. "What's going on?" He peered at them closely. "Have you two been to the Nekohanten lately?"

"No," they replied simultaneously.

"Then what's the story?" he questioned uneasily.

Urd launched herself at him. "We just think you deserve better." She grinned. "Like me."

Skuld yanked her sister by her hair and stepped around her. "Forget that geriatric old woman, I'll show you a much better time," she boasted.

"GERIATRIC OLD WOMAN?!!!!!!!!!" Urd's face was contorted with fury. "WHY... YOU..."

"OWWWEOWWW!!!!! LET GO OF MY HAIR!!!!!"

"MAKE ME, BABY!!!!"

"YOU WITHERED OLD WITCH!!!!"

Ryoga took the opportunity to slip out of the door, praying that neither of them spotted him. This is very bad... Very Bad... He groaned quietly. This sort-of thing's supposed to happen to Ranma, dammit! Not me!

"Ryoga-honey? What's wrong?" Ukyo blinked at him. "What are you doing on the ceiling?" Ryoga flushed crimson and slid down from the perch he'd jumped up to, courtesy of complete and total surprise. Ukyo merely looked nonplussed. "I made you some dinner. Wanna try it?" She grinned cutely.

"......I-I..."

"Great!" She clapped her hands in glee. "I'll just go and get changed, OK? You wait here for me, Ryoga-sweetie!"

"Ryoga!"

"There you are!!" Urd and Skuld ran out into the hallway and glomped him. "Why'd you run away, you big silly??" Urd pouted.

Flames engulfed Ukyo and she clenched her fists tightly. Slowly, the other three looked at her.

"W-wait, Ucchan, please! I-i-it's not what it looks like, I swear!" Ryoga protested desperately, seeing her reach for her monster spatula. Like begging for mercy ever worked in the past! a small but very scathing voice commented in the back of his mind.

"YOU LITTLE....."

He closed his eyes tightly. Why can I never do anything right...?

"....TRAMPS!!!"

CLANGCLANG

Ryoga's eyes flew open in astonishment. "Wha...?"

Ukyo glared through her two new skylights. "AND DON'T COME BACK, YOU TARTS!!!!!!!" She whipped around, then lowered her spatula in surprise. "Ryoga- honey? What d'you look so scared for?"

Ryoga looked at her cautiously. "Y-you mean you're not going to hit me?"

"What for? It's hardly your fault those two have no self control." With that, she bounced into her room, giving him a little wave. "Don't go anywhere!"

He waved back numbly. I know Nerima's turned into the Twilight Zone recently, but this is just ridiculous!!

Urd clambered wearily out of the canal and spat out a few mouthfuls of rancid water. Bitch bitch bitch... when I get hold of that okonomiyaki cow, I swear I'll make her [expletive] [expletive] [anatomical description]....

"Urd! There you are!" Skuld limped over to her elder sister. "Are you OK?" Urd reached up and stretched her cheeks ala Presea of MKR. "Is this the mouth that called me a Geriatric Old Woman? What do you want?!"

Skuld narrowed her eyes. "Maybe I should just hit you and turn your brain cell back on. Think!" She sat down next to Urd. "There's two of us and one Ukyo. If we work together, we can get rid of her."

"And when we do?" Urd crossed her arms. "I'll tell you now, there's no way I'm sharing Ryoga with anyone, even if you help eliminate the competition."

"We'll cross that bridge when we come to it. Right now, we need a plan..."

"Hey, Ucchan! This look's great!" Ryoga eyed the meal hungrily. "Not okonomiyaki?"

Ukyo pretended to look hurt. "I can cook things other than okonomiyaki, y'know."

"Actually, I didn't know. The last time you tried to prove it to me, you slammed me across town before I could taste anything," Ryoga reminded her, wincing at the memory.

Ukyo turned several shades of red and examined the floor as if it were the most amazing thing she'd ever focused her baby blues on. "I-I-I'm sorry about that..."

THUMP (This is the sound of Ryoga painfully facefaulting.)

"Oh, do get up, dinner'll get cold," Ukyo chirped cheerfully. She quickly adjusted her (surprisingly feminine) outfit to the best effect.

Ryoga picked himself up and settled down, watching Ukyo carefully for any sign of normality. Maybe she's planning to poison me... or get my guard down before turning me into mulch again. He took a tentative bite of teriyaki chicken and waited for his tastebuds to commit mass suicide. OK, so it's good, he admitted, taking another bite, slightly unnerved by the way Ukyo was staring at him, like he was a bowl of strawberries and cream. Hmm... no, now that he thought about it, she was staring at him as if she was Doctor Tofu and he was Kasumi. Definitely unnerving.

KnockKnock

Ukyo's eye's transformed instantly from hearts to daggers. "If that's Skuld or Urd, I'll [disgusting anatomical description] and [expletive] [expletive] them both!!" Ryoga winced as she marched over to the door and slid it open. "What the hell do you want?!!?!!" she snarled, annoyed at the interruption of her dinner party.

"Is that really any way to great your old man?"

Ukyo's jaw attempted to make it's way to the center of the earth but was fortunately stopped by the intervention of the floor. "Daddy?!!!!!!!!!?!!!!!!"

Mr Kuonji stepped around his dazed daughter and quickly made himself at home. "Hello. You must be Ryoga, right?" he enquired pleasantly, helping himself to the food. Ryoga nodded numbly.

Ukyo finally managed to snap herself out of her paralysed state. "What are you doing here, Daddy?"

Mr Kuonji dabbed his mouth with a napkin. "Can't I visit my little girl once in a while?" He grinned at her. "I haven't heard from you since that productive phone call a while ago." He paused a second, before tactfully adding: "I thought I'd come and give you a subtle kick in the rear. Your mother and I are wondering when you two crazy kids are going to tie the knot and make us grandparents."

Ryoga fell off his chair, hitting his head on the floor. "B-b-but we... I m-mean, we're n- not... t-that is..." he stammered, climbing back into his chair and gazing beseechingly at Ukyo for support.

Ukyo smiled sweetly at her father. "What about New Years Eve? Then we have a good reason for throwing a giant party every year."

"WHAT??????????" Ryoga gaped at her in shock, falling off his chair again. He quickly jumped back onto his feet and continued to voice his protest. "B-b-but... but..." OK, attempt to voice his protest.

Ukyo gave him her best kawaii grin and looped her arms around his neck. "That's OK with you, right Ryoga-sweetie?" she purred, snuggling against him, sending his brain into nuclear meltdown.

"......I-I-I.... b-b-but I-I...." He gave up and gazed helplessly into space. Does she really want to marry me? What if she doesn't and it's some kind of magic potion? She'd kill me when it wears off! He melted even further when she increased the wattage of her smile. B-b-but what i-if she kinda sort of likes me really and DOES want to get m-m- mu-m... "D-d-do y-y-y-y-you r-r-really m-m-m-m-mean it, Ucchan?" he asked weakly.

"Of COURSE I do, you big silly!" With that, she leaned up and brushed her lips oh-so- gently against his...

End Part VII

=======================

PART IIX

Leaving My Life in Your Hands.

=======================

(Easter Island. Before the Bonfire.)

"Hey, Ryoga, do you still love Akane anymore?"

Ryoga paused and looked across the bay. Starlight hovered above the sunset, setting the sea aflame with colour. "I did," he admitted. "But I don't think I do anymore. I mean, she'll always be special to me, she was my first love. But..." He sighed and sat down on the sand, tracing idly in the smooth, wet sand nearest to the swash, careful not to let the water touch him. "I'm not even sure if I ever really had a chance. I had plenty of chances to tell her, and each time I let it slip through my fingers."

Ukyo sat down next to him and gazed at the sky. "Y'know, much as he denies it, I think Ranma really likes her." She stole a glance at him before continuing. "Remember that whole fiancee mess? He did nothing when Shampoo lost her claim on him, and he didn't object to losing me either. But when he found out he was going to lose Akane as well, he sprang into action." She smiled a bittersweet smile. "I guess that's when I really knew he just thought of me as a friend."

He doesn't know what he's turning down. Ryoga cast a quick look at her. She was so beautiful in the light of the sunset...

"Didn't anyone tell you it's rude to stare, sugar?" Ukyo teased. Not that she minded. Nice to still be appreciated she thought. She stared back at him and he turned away quickly, a blush covering his cheeks. With the sunset reflecting off the sea, it cast a warm glow over him, making him look awfully cute... "If you don't love Akane any more, what are you going to do with yourself?" she asked suddenly.

There was a short pause as Ryoga decided on his answer. "I still have to pay back Mr Tendo for all that money I borrowed. Then after that...." He bit his lip in contemplation. "I don't know. Maybe I'll go to Jusenkyo and try to find a cure."

"Y'know..." Ukyo's voice was quiet in the ever advancing night. "If...if you wanted to, you could stay at Ucchans." She fought down the increasing blush that threatened to invade her face. "I-I like having you around..."

Ryoga smiled in relief. "You do?" Ukyo nodded in reply. "Yeah... that would be kinda nice..."

"Hey, wake up, sugar!"

Ryoga's eyes snapped open in surprise. "Where am I? What happened?"

"You passed out, you stupid great jackass!" Ukyo explained affectionately.

Behind her, he could see her father chuckling to himself and he turned scarlet, mortified. What was I thinking about? Something about a beach... He rubbed the back of his head. Doesn't matter anyway. After all, he had far more pressing subjects to worry about, like...

"So you agree? We'll get married on New Years Eve?" Ukyo pressed against him, using her best 'I'm seducing you to do what I want' voice and Ryoga felt himself crumble. "Pretty please??" she finished, batting her eyelashes at him.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM

"NO! HOW DARE YOU FORCE YOURSELF ON HIM, YOU LITTLE BITCH!!!!!!!!!!"

The 'act first, think later' instinct (which usually got Ranma placed in traction) kicked in and Ryoga had already grabbed Ukyo around the waist and jumped over to the other side of the room when Urd's very spectacular attack hit home. I can't be bothered to describe it, but trust me, it'll look great when it's released on anime, no doubt three months late, badly dubbed and twelve scenes, seven and a half minutes shorter. Unfortunately, dinner was completely ruined in the process. Ukyo then showed off her lovely grasp of the Celtish language which she'd picked up at football games, almost turning the air around her blue, before launching herself at Urd. "How DARE you ruin OUR meal, you... you... PHILISTINE!!!!"

Ryoga cut in. "Uh... Ucchan? What's a philistine?"

"Somebody who has absolutely no class or taste when it comes to art, music... cooking," Ukyo explained, shooting Urd a nasty glare.

"Thanks for the grammar lesson. Now let's get down to business," Urd spat back, advancing.

"Hey!" Ryoga stepped between them, halting the advance but doing nothing to ease the tension in the air. "Stop it, you two. Girls shouldn't fight!"

Mr Kuonji reached forward and dragged him back by the back of his shirt. "Son, I've got just one piece of advice for you." He paused dramatically. Or maybe he wasn't really pausing dramatically and had just forgotten what he was going to say. On the other hand, he could just be waiting to make sure Urd didn't maul his daughter while he was talkin

"Don't EVER interfere in a cat fight."

g. Ah. He spoke. Urd agreed profusely. "He's right, you know. We wouldn't want you to get caught in the middle and bruise that sexy face of yours."

"Don't YOU call him sexy!" Ukyo growled. "I'M his fiancee, I'M the only one entitled to call him sexy!!"

"Stop me then, transvestite!"

"T-tr-tran... I'LL GET YOU FOR..."

CRASHsubliminal message of pain to comeBLAM

"...that," Ukyo finished slowly.

Skuld lifted her mallet from her sister's skull, rope and dirt mangled into her hair and clothes. "Urd, you TRAITOR!!!"

".....ouch."

Skuld continued, relentless. "And did you really think tying me up and burying me in the cemetery was even going to slow me down?!!!"

Ukyo shrugged and turned away as the two goddesses turned on each other, and once again attempted to extract a coherent (and hopefully, positive) answer from Ryoga. "So, Ryoga-sugar, what do you say? Make our mistaken engagement a real one?" she whispered, once again looping her arms around his neck and cutely kissing him on the end of the nose, upgrading his blush from #FF0000 to #C00000.

"...Ummm..." He looked around helplessly, trying to look anywhere but directly at her. The sight of Urd and Skuld going for it tooth and nail, and Mr Kuonji standing ready with a camcorder did nothing to calm him down. This has GOTTA be some kind of magical love potion, the logical part of his brain pointed out dryly. If it doesn't wear off and her murder me, she still won't really love me.

The rest of his brain retaliated with: The -very-cute- Ukyo Kuonji has her arms around me and wants to marry me!!!! And you're hesitating?!!!!!!!

Still, it didn't hurt to make doubly sure. "Are you totally sure you really and truly want to marry me?" he tried to say. Somewhere en route to his mouth, it was replaced with "y- y-y-y-you r-r-r-r-r-re-really c-c-certain y-y-you w-w-w-w-w-w-want t-t-t-to g-g-get m- m-m-m-m-m-m-m-mu-m....?"

Increasing the wattage of smile even further, from mega-gigawatt to radioactive, Ukyo nodded her head fiercely. "I do, I do! More than anything!"

What was left of Ryoga's resistance melted like a sno-cone in Phoenix. "Umm.... ok then..." he said weakly.

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?????????????!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Urd and Skuld finally tuned into the surrounding noise, although Mr Kuonji's cheer and the sudden appearance of a brass band, the popping of corks, fireworks, y'know, that sort of thing, may have helped snap them back. With murder in their eyes, they stepped forward. "Ukyooooo..." Urd hissed quietly. "Take this! DEATH BOMB!!"

"And E.L.E SUPER ADVANCED NUCLEAR FUSION RADIOACTIVE GAMMA RAY! MARK THREE! EXTRA HOT AND SPICY!!" Skuld added.

Unfortunately, by the time Skuld had managed to complete saying that phrase grammatically correctly, Ryoga had once again snapped out of his 'close proximity to seductive female' temporary paralysis, grabbed the previously mentioned 'seductive female' and her father and escaped the resulting mass property damage usually found in Arnold Schwarzenegger action movies and the radioactive fallout. Urd was not amused. "Skuld, doesn't that ridiculously long-winded attack do ex-actly the same thing as my Death Bomb?" she asked dangerously.

"Umm... yes," Skuld admitted, drawing circles in the radioactive dust with her foot.

"THEN WHY DOES IT HAVE SUCH A STUPID LONG NAME THEN???!!!" Urd screeched, noticing with some annoyance that she now had a major radioactive explosion allllll down the front of her outfit - and that stuff does NOT dry-clean well!

"Because it just sounds so much cooler," Skuld reasoned.

"It doesn't do us much good if you have to shout all the words out loud to have full effect, pipsqueak," Urd snapped. "If we want Ukyo out of the way, you're going to HAVE to give your attacks simple, uncomplicated names like 'Ha, sucker!', got that??"

"Well, daughter, it was certainly interesting to see you again," Mr Kuonji said fondly, boarding the train back to Kyoto. "I'll bring your mother down next time and you can both talk weddings."

Ukyo nodded happily. "OK, Daddy." She waved until the train was out of sight, before turning back to Ryoga, who looked suspiciously as if he was on the verge of a major coronary heart failure. "Come on, sweetie, let's go."

"Go where?" Ryoga asked weakly. Why am I agreeing to this?!!!

Ukyo thought for a moment. "Welllll, my restaurant's been temporarily destroyed... lets go for a walk by the canal, 'kay?" she suggested, giving him the radioactive smile and pondering whether there was some way it could be made even brighter, before snuggling under his arm.

Boom And here's that heart failure.

Oh yeah. That's why, Ryoga reminded himself, teetering on the edge of fainting and trying to make his legs work properly. Speech would have to wait a while. He allowed Ukyo to drag him away from the station and to a part of the canal with a nice view.

"Sit down," Ukyo advised when they stumbled upon a bench. Ryoga obliged, resistance still out of the question and Ukyo immediately sat down as close to him as possible, resting her head onto his shoulder. Surely there is no girl in the world happier than I am right now...

"Eek! I'm going to California today!! I must be the happiest girl in the world!!!" Ilonka grabbed Liea by the hands and swung her around in circles before letting go and repeating the process with Kai, not even noticing Liea become part of the building structure.

"Yay!!! I met the one, the ONLY, Fox Mulder today!" Lita grabbed Bunny's hands and screeched. "No girl in the world could be happier than me!"

"Soon, Ukyo Kuonji, I will have my revenge!!" declared Mathilde Tara-Thompkinson, waving her sword in the air and laughing hysterically, getting a wide berth from passer- bys as she broke into song: "I'm H-A-P-P-Y, H-A-P-P-Y, I know I am, I'm sure..."

Hmm... that's quite enough of that!

Ukyo looked up at Ryoga, studying his profile. Even though he looked scared out of his wits (which he was), she decided he still looked adorable. Definitely kissable. Unfortunately, she knew all too well that if she wanted him to kiss her, she was going to have to make the first move. Wellll, a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do, she thought, blushing a little. "Ryoga-honey?"

He turned and looked at her. "Yes?" he whispered, somehow knowing what was going to happen.

Leaning forward, she closed her eyes and gently pressed her lips against his...

Urd and Skuld stared venomously at each other, when all of a sudden, something changed. Urd blinked in amazement and looked at her little sister for confirmation. Skuld stared back at her, surprise also evident on her face...

And then the memories returned.

"Oh my GOD!!!" Skuld placed her palms against her flaming cheeks. "I'm so embarrassed!!!" She burst into floods of tears and crumpled to her knees. "I'll never be able to face him again!"

Urd battled with her own similar tomato-shade blush as she remembered her own behavior. "The powder's worn off," she mumbled.

Skuld glared at her. "No kidding, Einstein! I should never have let you talk me into this!"

"Snap out of it, squirt!" Urd snapped. All of a sudden, she paled considerably. "Uh, Skuld? I think we'd better try and prevent a murder from taking place."

Skuld gaped at her, uncomprehendingly. "What?"

"Think! Why were we so mad at Ukyo a moment ago?"

"Because Ryoga agreed to..." Skuld trailed off, eyes widening and she let out her breath in a whistle. "Hooo boy! That's gonna hurt!"

Finally, Ukyo pulled back. Ryoga opened his eyes and took a few deep breaths to slow down his racing heart. "Wow," he whispered softly, looking at her with amazement in his eyes. Her eyes were still closed and he didn't notice her fists clench.

And then she socked him in the jaw.

"OW!" That reallyhurt! "What the heck did I do now?!" he complained, rubbing his jaw.

Ukyo was too busy trying to collect rational thoughts to answer much. She rubbed her head fiercely. "I can't believe I kissed you... twice!" she whispered in a horrified voice.

"Thanks, I'm flattered," Ryoga replied coldly, standing up. She doesn't like me, a small, tired part of his mind stated and he bit his lip, wondering if she remembered...

"AAAAAAAAA!!!! You IDIOT!!!!"

WHAMCRASH

Yup. She remembers. Now his jaw, cheek and heart were all in competition for most painful part of the body. Oh yeah, and his back, where she'd just slapped him into a tree.

Ukyo paced back and forth, oblivious. "What are we going to DOOOOOO?????????!!!!!!!!!" she wailed in anguish. Hmm... the pain in his jaw was just about gone now, his cheek still stung but the pain was fading. Ukyo continued to rant. "I can't pull out of this engagement now, Daddy would disown me!"

Ryoga struggled to his feet. "I thought he already did that once," he mumbled.

CRASH

However the bench saw it's final moment, it certainly didn't expect to see it as one brief moment arcing through the air before being turned into matchwood over Ryoga's skull. Still, if it had been a good bench, it could still have the chance of being reincarnated as several rolls of toilet paper. Ukyo seethed. "STUUUUUPID!!!" She grabbed him by the collar and hauled him to his feet. "Daddy didn't disown me, I RAN AWAY, you dumb jackass!!! But if he does disown me, you know what will happen?!" she hissed.

Owww.... now his head joined in the competition, although his heart was now waaaaay in the lead. Ryoga blinked a few times to clear it and shook his head. "No?" But I'm sure you're about to tell me he thought with no humour.

She obliged. "Ucchan's would have to be closed and we'd have no place to stay and no source of income," she wailed miserably.

Oh lord, she's going to cry. The last thing Ryoga needed right now was for her to cry, although he knew if he tried to comfort her, she'd probably hurl him into the canal. He offered her a tissue, which she took gratefully. "Why would Ucchan's have to close?" he pressed.

Ukyo exploded again. "Because I'm a MINOR, you twerp! Who do you think's been paying the mortgage and bills and stuff like that for the past year? Not ME!!!" She buried her head in her hands. "Ohhhh... you are such a coward!" she moaned. "Why couldn't Kodachi've gotten me accidentally engaged to a guy with a backbone?!!"

Okaaaaaaay. Definitely not the best of times to remind her that she'd been the one coming onto him like some kind of drunken prom date in front of her father. Besides, even if he had the willpower to resist her any further, he had a slight feeling that Mr Kuonji wouldn't have been too happy if he point-blank refused to marry his little girl - especially after the Ranma thing, and probably would've sent him packing - in small boxes. He sighed. "U-Ucchan... i-if you want..." he began hesitantly, a hollow ache in his chest.

Ukyo lifted her tear-streaked face to look at him. "What is it?" she whispered resignedly.

"I-if you want... I could t-try and talk to your d-dad... maybe say we need more time... or I could show him my curse..." he trailed off and glared at the ground. It was a stupid idea and any second now she was going to punt him into the river and tell him she never EVER wanted to see him again...

"Would you?"

There was definite hope in her voice, which only served to make the ache in his chest even bigger. He nodded firmly though. "Remember what I said before - you shouldn't have to marry ANYBODY you don't want to," he reminded her.

GLOMP

"Ohthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou..." Ukyo wailed into his shirt. "If you manage it, I'll pay you double wages, I'll let you leave that room of yours in as much of a tip as you want and I won't even hit you next time you grope Hinako..."

Ryoga bit back a caustic remark. I'll have to hold you to that last one, Ucchan, he thought with no amusement. But it's not going to make things any less painful."

End Part IIX

===========================

PART IX

Hell Hath No Fury Like Miss Hinako.

===========================

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" Skuld wailed, groveling on the floor of Ucchans.

Ukyo looked mortified. "Skuld, stop it, please! Urd's already explained how she dropped that stupid powder and you've fixed my restaurant. I forgive you already!"

"Really?" Skuld asked hopefully. She felt that she should be groveling some more, maybe even offer to commit seppuku... after all, it just wasn't right for a goddess to lie her ass off, even if it was to prevent the outbreak of World War Three. At this rate, she'd never become a First Class goddess.

Ryoga entered the room, only to be met by Skuld kissing the ground in front of his feet. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean a word of what I said and can you ever forgive me?" she begged.

Urd groaned. "Skuld, please stop it! You've been begging forgiveness for the past half an hour!"

The young brunette goddess glared at her. "Well ex-cuuuuuse me! It wouldn't do you any harm to apologize either, seeing as it was your fault!"

Urd seethed and tried to think of a scathing reply. Unfortunately, 'it was your idea' would only give the game away as they'd already claimed that Urd had been sorting through some old magic knic-knacs and dropped the affection powder when Ukyo made her jump.

"Stop it, you two," Ryoga snapped, increasingly irritated. "If it was anyone's fault it was mine. I was the catalyst, remember?" He turned back to the homework and pretended to concentrate on it. Although he didn't see how on Earth he was supposed to cope with homework when he had to deal with Hinako tomorrow and deal with Mr Kuonji before he started booking churches, caterers and a honeymoon suite in Barbados. And there was that stupid STUPID challenge! Thanks to the protests and proof that the three of them were in a drug-enduced state of love meant that that incredible kiss was totally invalid and he had to do it AGAIN.

Frankly, he was amazed he survived it once.

SNAP

"Oops." He crawled under the table and retrieved the halves of his pencil before tapping at the table top with it. If there were any condolences in his life, they were that Urd and Skuld were NOT in love with him, which was a relief. Sure, it had been nice to be wanted, but when things started going pear-shaped... or mushroom-shaped, he'd really started to fear for Ukyo's safety.

CLANG

"QUIT TAPPING THAT THING AGAINST THE TABLE!!" Ukyo roared.

"Yup. You are most certainly back to your normal self," Ryoga commented moodily.

Ukyo's angry visage loomed into his line of vision. "And what's that supposed to mean?!" she asked dangerously.

"Nothing! Nothing at all!" Ryoga protested, backing away quickly.

"Are you saying you PREFERRED it when I acted like some lovesick schoolgirl?!!" she snarled, grabbing him by the collar so he couldn't escape.

"Do you want the truthful answer or the polite answer?" Ryoga replied without thinking.

"WHAAAAAAT?!?!?!?!?!?" Ukyo's expression changed, not sure whether to be shocked, angry or to search for a more appropriate expression.

Meanwhile, Ryoga had turned into a replica of the Scream mask. "No! I-I mean yes! I mean..." He stopped, totally confused. "I don't know. You were being nice, but it wasn't normal."

Ukyo blinked. "So normally I'm not nice to you?"

"Yeah," Ryoga replied, once again letting the words bypass his brain. He clapped a hand over his mouth. "I didn't mean that!"

Ukyo sighed and let the spatula drop. "Never mind. I'm going to bed." She walked over to the door and waved back at the still-stunned occupants of the room. "G'night!"

The morning after...

"Nihao and welcome to Neko..." Shampoo paused in her speech, then knelt down in front of her customer. "Little girl, is you here with mother and father, yes?"

Hinako-chan gritted her teeth. She was sick to death of these kind of questions whenever she went anywhere. "No, I'm here alone," she said in the monotone of somebody who has repeated the same thing many times over.

Shampoo looked concerned, then shrugged. As long as the kid could pay, it made no difference to her. "Would you like window seat?" Hinako-chan nodded happily and followed Shampoo to the table.

Mousse watched her from across the room, tears in his heart. Oh Shampoo... if only I could let you know how much I love you... He stopped, a frown crossing his face. "Scratch that. I told her a zillion times that I loved her," he grumbled to himself.

WHAM

"Back to work, Mr Part-Time," Cologne ordered sharply. "I don't pay you to gawp at Shampoo, you know."

"You don't pay me bloody minimum wage, that's what," Mousse mumbled, wishing he had the courage to say it louder. Of course, it would result in almost instant death, but he didn't really care anymore. "I should go to the Health and Trading Association about the way you treat your staff."

Cologne pretended not to hear and pogo ed away looking for all the world like a monkey on a totem pole. "Shampoo, here's the order for that kid on table seven," she called.

Shampoo brushed the curtain aside. "Is another little girl come in, say to add order price to that one. Want take-out special ramen."

Cologne nodded. "Here's the take-out, here's table seven's order."

Shampoo nodded, gave the take-out to the girl and placed the order in front of Hinako- chan. "Here is bill."

Hinako-chan picked the bill and scanned it. Her jaw dropped, hitting the table with an audible thud. "WHAT THE HELL...?!"

"Is OK?" Shampoo asked pleasantly. "You is looked shock."

Hinako-chan narrowed her eyes. "Did a black-haired little girl order this extra meal?" she asked slowly. Shampoo nodded in conformation and watched as Hinako-chan gripped the chopsticks so hard that they splintered.

"Come on, we'll be late!!"

Ranma's pounding on the door finally cut into Ukyo's sleep fogged mind. With a groan, she yanked on a dressing gown and flung the door open. "Ranchan!" Surprised, she stepped aside to let him in. "What are you doing here?"

Ranma grinned at her and entered. "I wanted to walk with Lost Boy to school. I need to talk to him."

"O-OK, I'll go and wake him up," Ukyo informed, slightly unnerved by the knowing smile he was directing at her. She bounced up the stairs and entered the room with her usual amount of morning courtesy (Ie: none).

Which would have been fine if he was there. But he wasn't.

Ranma appeared at her side. "Aw man... where is he?"

"I don't know," Ukyo replied, a small amount of concern seeping into her voice. She turned around and walked into her small living room. Much to her and Ranma's surprise, Ryoga was there, asleep on the sofa. A small smile appeared on Ukyo's face. "Aww... how cute..." she cooed. Ranma's eyebrows merged with his hairline at that, until Ukyo tiptoed forward and screamed in his ear, making Ryoga jump about six feet into the air.

"And good morning to you too, Ucchan," he replied crossly. Then he noticed his surroundings. "Why am I on the sofa????"

"You sleepwalked there, you stupid baka," Ukyo explained. "Hurry up and get ready."

"I sleepwalk?" Ryoga asked, puzzled.

"He sleepwalks?" Ranma echoed.

"Yeah, he sleepwalks," Ukyo snapped, turning picture gallery red for no reason the boys could see. "Got a problem with that?!"

Ranma shrugged helplessly and looked at Ryoga. "I sleepwalk?" Ryoga repeated. "Is that good or bad?"

"How should I know?" Ranma grinned broadly and clapped Ryoga on the back. "Anyway, changing the subject, I'm amazed. Didn't think you had it in ya."

Ryoga gave him a look reserved for wackos. "What are you talking about?"

"This," Ranma proclaimed, pulling a photograph out of his bookbag. (No prizes for guessing the pose.)

Ryoga went into standard shock pose before snatching the photo out of Ranma's grip. "Where... how...??"

Ranma pulled a face. "I live in the same house as Nabiki Tendo and you have to ask where I got this?!"

Skuld appeared behind him and glanced at the photograph before walking on. Then she stopped and came back for a second look. "Oh NO!" she cried in dismay, snatching it away before the others could protest. "It's all my fault!" she wailed, groveling again. "I asked Urd to sort through those potions!"

Ranma snatched the photo back. "Potion, eh?" He glared at Ryoga. "And you were planning on telling me this... when?"

"Umm... now?" Ryoga responded weakly.

Ranma sighed. "So the challenge is still on. Better get dressed, Lost Boy. We have work to do today."

Ryoga scowled at Ranma, who pretended not to notice. Skuld decided she'd groveled long enough to butt in. "What challenge?"

"Hinako's really giving you the evil eye," Ukyo commented outside school when the boys arrived. Sure enough, Hinako-chan could quite easily be seen giving Ryoga a look of pure venom. "You'd better watch out today, that's for sure."

"Feh. It's probably something going around," Ryoga commented. "Ryoko and Ayeka are glaring at each other, Little Washu's glaring at Principal Kuno, Mihoshi's glaring at you..."

"She is?" Ukyo looked at Mihoshi, who clenched her fists and turned away. "Wonder what's bugging her...?" She shrugged. I've got better things to worry about than Mihoshi. She waved to Akane, who jogged over to her.

"Ukyo! I'm so happy for you!" Akane cried, grabbing her hands.

Ukyo gave her a blank look. "Excuse me, Akane-chan?"

Ranma went pale and tapped Akane on the shoulder. "Uh... Akane, I think..."

KABLAM

"Butt out!" Akane yelled. She turned back to Ukyo, a winning smile on her face. "Congratulations anyway. Be sure to send us an invitation," she added.

"????" Ukyo queried, still uncomprehending. However, a nasty suspicion was beginning to form in her mind. "Invitation?"

Akane nodded. "Yes. To your wedding. Nabiki told me you two had finally settled on a date."

"Nabiki has her facts twisted," Ukyo said flatly. She ran several painful torture methods through her mind, idly wondering how many of them she could use before Nabiki died. She stomped over to the elder Tendo and glared at her. "What's this about a wedding?" she asked dangerously.

Nabiki smiled sweetly. "Your Dad told me when he phoned this morning to try and get hold of Mr Saotome. Why?"

Damn. Can't get her for bugging my restaurant Ukyo griped. She continued anyway. "Well, Daddy's got his facts a little wrong and I'd appreciate it if you didn't spread false information about me, OK?"

Nabiki shrugged. "After that little scene by the canal yesterday, I thought wedding bells were imminent," she said casually. "But if you two really aren't getting married I guess that just makes you the latest hot couple." Ukyo gnashed her teeth together in fury and embarrassment. Unfortunately, it was next to impossible to argue with Nabiki Tendo. Her only hope was that people would find some new gossip to dissect. Suddenly, Nabiki reached over and tapped her on the arm. "Doesn't Miss Hinako look pissed off today!" She laughed a little. "Maybe she's upset about Ryoga and you."

Ukyo narrowed her eyes. Although as far as she was concerned Nabiki was a spoon, stirring up trouble, she had to admit that she seemed to have a point there...

"The girls have P.E now. And today, they'll have two new students," Ranma-chan boasted, pulling on a pair of gym shorts. "And we'll blend right in!"

Ryoga-chan paused tying a shoelace at that and raised a dubious eyebrow at that comment. "Are you sure? After all, you still look like you."

Ranma-chan stuck her tongue out at her. "So? And even with that wig, you still look like you," she retorted. She jumped to her feet. "Come on, they're starting." Without letting Ryoga-chan reply, she grabbed her arm and dragged her there. Then she paused, put on her best 'cute girl' face and entered. "Hi, sorry we're late," she chirped. "SHE got her shoelace all tangled up," she added, pointing to Ryoga-chan.

"I so did not!"

Hinako, adult, looked undisturbed. "Well, what are your names? We're about to take sides."

"Raya," Ranma-chan quickly decided, at the same time as Ryoga-chan blurted out "Maya."

"Raya and Maya?" Hinako shook her head sadly. Must have really cruel parents. She waved towards the rest of the students. "Stand over there, we're about to take sides."

Akane shot an evil glare at Ranma-chan and grabbed hold of her pigtail as she passed. "What are you playing at?!!" she hissed. "And who's that other girl?!"

It was all Ranma-chan could do not to facefault. "I met uhh... Maya outside and she asked me to show her where the gym was because she was new and she thought I'd get in trouble if I skipped class, because she doesn't know I'm a boy."

Akane quickly analysed this statement. "Well, you'd better not have gotten changed in the same room as her," she griped, critically eyeing the new girl. Looks pretty athletic... but she's really short... pity too, seeing as we're doing basketball. She waved her over. "Hi, my name's Akane," she said cheerfully. "Sit here?"

Ryoga-chan sat down next to her and gave Ranma-chan a quick look as if to say "What the hell are you doing, sitting next to the person most likely to blow our cover??!" Her edginess was not made any better with Ukyo looking suspiciously at her. She brushed the blond hair out of her eyes, wishing she could've worn her bandanna, but also knowing that that small detail would be enough to get her noticed. You'd think the number of times Ranma gets caught out by Akane because of that pigtail, he'd have unbraided it or something, she thought crossly.

Hinako morphed back into Hinako-chan and quickly ordered two girls to pick out a team each. Ryoga-chan's mood was not made any better by the fact that she was the last picked because she was so short. Ranma-chan immediately sprung into the fray, jumping into the air to intercept Hinako-chan. I'll get those pressure points for sure...

Akane whipped her mallet out of malletspace. "PERVERT"

WHAM

Ryoga-chan looked at the mangled form of Ranma-chan on the ground and giggled. "Never mind, 'Raya', I'll get her for you," she said cheerfully. And all the credit for stopping her nasty little trick! She ran up to Hinako-chan and jumped in front of her...

BOING

... To have someone springboard off her head, sending her face first into the ground. "Sorry, 'Maya', but she's mine!"

Ryoga-chan climbed to her knees, just in time to see Ranma-chan pounded into the ground by Akane - again. "Baka! Can't you be a little bit sporting?!" Akane snarled. She looked at Ryoga-chan in concern. "Are you OK, Maya?"

Ryoga-chan nodded with a grin. "I'm fine." She glared at Ranma-chan as Hinako-chan blew the whistle.

Ayeka threw the ball on court. "It's mine!" Ranma-chan shouted, running past Ryoga- chan, who promptly stuck her leg out and tripped her up.

"Never mind, 'Raya', I'll get the ball," Ryoga-chan said sweetly, calling back over her shoulder.

"Look where you're..."

CRASH

"Going," Ranma-chan finished. She ran over to the crash zone along with the rest of the class.

Ukyo sat up slowly, rubbing her head. Oww... what ran into me? She looked next to her and saw 'Maya' lying on the ground.

Ranma-chan pushed forward. "Hey, Maya, get up," she ordered, hitting her on the shoulder.

"I'm up!" Ryoga-chan snapped, sitting upright. Leaving the long blond wig lying on the floor. She patted the top of her head. "Oops."

Hinako-chan blinked. "Ranka?"

Ukyo blinked. "Ryoga?!" She reached forward and grabbed her by the neck. "What on earth are you playing at, you pervert!"

Hinako-chan narrowed her eyes. "Ryoga? Ryoga Hibiki?!"

"Wellllll... yeah, kinda," Ryoga-chan admitted.

"Not only are you a cheating, ladykilling pervert, on top of that you're a cross dresser!"

There was a short pause. "I AM NOT!!!!!"

Hinako-chan flipped a coin between her fingers. "I'll teach you to play tricks on your teacher! Your bad behavior has gone on long enough! HAPPO FIFTY YEN SATSU!"

Ryoga-chan dove out of the way and ran, pulling Ukyo with her and a small group of girls behind them suddenly found themselves drained. Maybe she really does hate him! Ukyo thought, before smacking Ryoga-chan over the head. "Put me down!"

"No hitting! You promised! And do you want to be on the receiving end of that?!!" Ryoga-chan retorted, indicating over her shoulder. She dodged Hinako's energy return and jumped behind a pile of mats, unceremoniously dropping Ukyo on the floor before jumping back over them, landing behind Hinako-chan.

Hinako-chan whirled around and glared at her. "So, are you prepared to take your punishment?" She pulled out a coin. "HAPPO..."

"SPIKE!"

PING

Hinako-chan gave a yell of rage and the basketball sent her coin flying. Ranma-chan landed next to Ryoga-chan and smirked. "No need to thank me, glad to be of service."

"You bad girl! I'll discipline you both!" Hinako rifled through her pockets. "HAPPO FIFTY..."

"PASS!"

Ranma-chan threw the wayward basketball to Ryoga-chan who threw it at Hinako-chan, scoring another direct hit. "NO FAIR!!" Hinako-chan screeched, already reaching for another coin.

Ranma-chan and Ryoga-chan exchanged a glance, before walking over to Hinako-chan and hitting her on the back. Change scattered all over the floor. Ryoga-chan bent over, picked up a five yen piece and stood up, flicking it in the air threateningly. "Well. You can't touch us without your pocketful of yen."

Hinako-chan shook with anger, tears of rage in her eyes. "You... you..."

Ryoga-chan crumpled the coin between finger and thumb. "Come on, Ranma..."

WHAM

"Sorry, Ryoga, but she's mine!" Ranma-chan called with a wink and ran forward, promptly falling over Akane's outstretched leg. "OW!"

"Ranma, you pervert!" Akane growled. "What are you doing?!"

Ryoga-chan jumped on Ranma-chan's head and ran towards Hinako-chan. "I'll get her!"

Hinako-chan ran to the far end of the gym and jumped onto the basketball hoop. "You want me, come and get me! Nya nya!"

"This is where I put an end to that nasty trick of yours!" Ryoga-chan cried, jumping into the air.

"She thinks she can win without her change?" Ukyo said to Ranma-chan.

Ranma-chan narrowed her eyes. "She's planning something..." Her eyes widened. "No, Ryoga you IDIOT!"

Hinako-chan flipped underneath the goal hoop, a grin of glee on her face. "HAPPO NO YEN SATSU!" Swinging from the bottom of the goal, she landed a few feet away from Ryoga-chan's now-unconscious form. "Do you get it now? I can drain you with any round hole." She knelt down next to her and picked up a coin. "I'll drain your bad spirit to the roots."

"Hey!" Ukyo ran forward. "You've already knocked him out - isn't that enough?"

Ranma-chan stepped forward as well. "If you want to fight, I'll be your opponent. I'll get those pressure points, just you see."

"Heh. Interesting," Hinako smirked. "HAPPO NO YEN COIN RETURN!"

"Maybe you should've thought of a plan first," Akane advised as Hinako-chan jumped up and down in delight. Ranma-chan would've replied, but she was too busy peeling herself off the wall.

"Ah... Ranma and Hinako, two of my finest students, locked in a fight to the finish," sighed a voice behind her. Akane and Ukyo turned to see Happosai there, a bag of stolen gym shorts beside him.

"Hmm..." Ukyo narrowed her eyes. "I have this sudden feeling that somehow, you're responsible for all this." "Why, let me tell you now, girl, if I myself could press those pressure points and end Hinako's reign of terror, I would!" Happosai protested.

Ukyo was unmoved. "So why don't you?"

"My arms are too short."

Meanwhile, Ranma-chan had recovered enough to initiate another attack. Hinako-chan immediately brandished a five yen coin. "HAPPO FIVE YEN..."

"Gotcha!" Ranma-chan proclaimed, stopping the hole with her finger. Then, with her other hand, she pressed the three pressure points on Hinako-chan's chest. There was a short pause as Ranma-chan mentally kicked herself. Damn! I need my other hand to get the two on the back!

"I have two hands," Hinako-chan reminded her, brandishing another coin. "HAPPO FIVE YEN SATSU!!"

"Oh Ranma, you're a credit as a martial artist," Happosai sighed. "If you should fall to the infinite power of Hinako, I promise to watch over Akane for you."

"Oh no you won't!" Ranma-chan yelled, running from Hinako's holy wrath.

"I'm guessing you taught Hinako that technique," came a voice.

Happosai turned around, eyes shining. "Surely you must be an Angel, here for a dying old man!"

Ryoga-chan pried him from her chest and stomped on his head. "Shut up!"

"I see you've finally recovered," Ukyo said before turning back to Happosai. "Well? Did you teach her that trick?"

Happosai looked annoyed. "Hinako's Happo Five Yen Satsu isn't a trick, it's an indiscriminate martial arts health method."

"Health method?" Ukyo, Akane and Ryoga-chan echoed.

"It was more than ten years ago now. No doubt, Hinako's completely forgotten..."

FLASHBACK

Happosai, voice over: We met at Saruchico hospital...

L'il Happosai: So you're weak, little girl?

L'il Hina-chan: Yes, cough cough.

L'il Happosai: In that case, let me teach you an exercise to make you healthy.

L'il Hina-chan: Yay! Thank you, grandpa! [Touch forefingers.]

Happosai, voice over: I pressed the pressure points to drain fighting spirit...

L'il Hina-chan: Good girls get well, step one.

Happosai, voice over: Then I taught her a health exercise. And, after one month of having continued to do that tirelessly...

L'il Happosai: [Being chased by a large crowd of nurses, L'il Hina-chan running along beside him.] Now, Hinako!

L'il Hina-chan: Yeah. Good girls get well, step one! Aku... Ja... Byo... Tsu... Ma...

Happosai, voice over: Hinako drained the fighting spirit of the angels in white and became visibly healthier...

L'il Happosai: Fight well tomorrow, Hinako!

END FLASHBACK

"I did everything in concern of Hinako's health," Happosai said proudly.

"So letting her aid and abet an underwear thief was never part of your plan?" Ukyo said, kicking him into the wall.

Meanwhile, Ranma-chan was still having intense problems with Hinako-chan. Grr... this is taking too long! She picked up several basketballs and threw them at Hinako-chan, knocking the coin out of her hand, before doubling back - only to be met by the coin in her other hand.

"Haven't you managed to stop her yet?" Ryoga-chan called.

Ranma-chan glowed at her. "You do better if you think you can!" she snapped.

Happosai appeared next to her, making her jump. "What happened to working together? You're supposed to help each other, not hinder each other - that's what teamwork's all about!"

"Since when did he ever care about teamwork?!" Ryoga-chan wondered aloud.

Hinako-chan suddenly noticed Ryoga-chan again. "You! I should've drained you totally when I had the chance!"

Ryoga-chan looked at the goal hoop. "Ranma, I've got an idea. Get ready to get her pressure points." She jumped up to the hoop and pulled it off of the wall. "If you want my energy, you'll have to take it now!"

"Fine! HAPPO NO YEN SATSU!"

"Now, Ranma!" Ryoga-chan cried, pulling the hoop over the rapidly growing Hinako's body, trapping her arms.

"Your energy sucking days are over!"

GLOMP

Hinako slowly fell to her knees. B...beaten...

"Good work, boys!" Happosai commended, smoking a pipe. "Now all you have to do is repeat that every day for a month."

There was a large group facefault as Happosai continued. "It's just like any other exercise - you have to repeat it a few times for it to work."

Hinako climbed to her feet and managed to free herself from the hoop. "Ranma, Ryoga, I commend you both. No students I've ever disciplined have ever resisted as hard as you two. We'll train again tomorrow." She paused. "But you're both still ladykilling perverts! HAPPO NO YEN COIN RETURN!"

Akane and Ukyo halted in the middle of laying it into Happosai and looked at the mangled forms of the two aqua-transsexuals. "They brought it on themselves," Akane said finally.

"I totally agree," Ukyo agreed. They resumed their task.

End Part IX

========

PART X

Roses.

========

"You've got until Monday night. Today's Friday. I think you're going to have to untie your tongue and ask her out."

Ryoga ran Ranma's advice through his mind again. Yeah. If only it was that easy, he thought glumly, banging his fist on the table. He'd somehow managed to acquire two tickets to Nerima's poshest la-di-da restaurant... he only had to ask Ukyo to go with him. He glanced at her for the three hundred, forty seventh time and practiced saying the words aloud in his mind. I'll ask her in a moment, he procrastinated. If there's some kind of sign.

KABOOM

Lightning flashed in the clear blue sky. I guess that's my sign, he thought, standing up and walking over to the grill. I'm a man, not a mouse. He cleared his throat. "Umm... Ucchan?"

Ukyo looked up. "Yes?"

First, the easy part. "I-I'm sorry about... you know..." he flustered. Line! What's the line!

Ukyo leaned on her elbow, an interested look on her face. "Enlighten me."

Huh??? That wasn't supposed to happen! She was supposed to accept his apology and let him continue, dammit! He twiddled his fingers nervously and began to list subjects. "About what happened last night, w-w-with that p-p-potion..." Please don't make me say any more!

Ukyo pondered the apology for a moment. "Wellll... you still have to sort things out with my dad, but I guess I sort of forgive you."

Good. Now for the hard part... "I-I was w-wondering if, as a w-way of a-apology, y-you m-m-m-might g-go gulp o-o-o-ou-o... g-g-go o-o-o-o-o-out t-t-t-t-t-t-to d-d-d-d-d-di-di- d-d-d..." He bit his lower lip in frustration and embarrassment. ARGH! I just want to ask her out! Why can't I say it?!

Ukyo looked at him, a slight smile playing around her lips. "Go out to...? Come on Ryoga, a few more words and we'll have a whole sentence here."

"T-t-t-t-to d-d-di-di-di-di-d-d-d... DAMN!" He slammed his fist on the grill, making her jump, and pulled an envelope out of his pocket, tossing it down in front of them both. "Here."

BANG

Urd swept through the restaurant like a small whirlwind. "Hi guys, how was school? What's this?" She picked up the envelope and drew out the tickets. Her eyes widened. "Wow! Fancy! You two going there?"

Ukyo snatched them back. "Do you mind?!!" She read them. She read them again. She read them once more, just to be certain, and then and ONLY then did she allow herself to pass out.

"Oh no! Ucchan?! Are you alright?!" Ryoga vaulted over the grill and knelt down beside her.

Ukyo opened her eyes. "You want to take me out to dinner to apologize?"

"Uh... yeah. That was the general idea..."

Ukyo remained in the same position. "To dinner at La Petite Maison?"

"Well, yeah..." Ryoga scratched the back of his head. "That is the name printed on the tickets, right?"

Pause. "What about Ryoko? Aren't you two dating?"

Ryoga looked blank for a second, then comprehension dawned. "I just agreed to help her make Tenchi jealous."

"Mihoshi?"

"She's just a friend."

"Skuld?"

"I am still trying to work out where on earth you thought up that one."

"Akane?"

"Do I really look suicidal?"

"Hinako?"

There was a short pause. Ryoga gave Ukyo an exasperated look. "Ucchan, the woman hates my guts!!" He grabbed her shoulders. "Do you want to go or not? Because if you don't, I'll give them to Urd to give to that sister of hers.

Ukyo looked thoughtful. "Is tonight at seven OK with you?"

Shampoo pointed the 22" Magnum at Mousse and fired a warning shot near his ear. "How many times Shampoo have to tell stupid duck-boy get a life?!

"B-but Shampoo, my beloved..."

CRASH

"GET A GRIP!" Shampoo screeched through the remains of the window, which would never be the same again after Mousse's chance meeting with it.

Looking down, Mousse saw that he was going to make a painful landing in the Tendo grounds - miraculously not the pond.

CRASH

BOINGBoingboing.....

With a small groan of pain, Mousse collapsed underneath the dojo window. He could hear strains of conversation floating out and while it wasn't nice to eavesdrop, he really couldn't be bothered to move.

"Ranma, you've been acting weird all week. What's gotten into you?"

Pause. "OK, I'll tell you. But you've got to promise not to tell a soul. I've been dying to tell someone all week!"

"OK. Spill."

"You know we wanted to get Ucchan and Ryoga together?"

Hmm... this actually sounded interesting, Mousse decided, sitting up and peering into the room. Akane nodded her comprehension and Ranma continued to talk. "Remember I challenged Ryoga to a rematch? Well, on Easter Island, I changed the challenge a little."

Akane looked interested. "Go on."

"Ryoga has until Monday night to kiss Ucchan on the lips, or leave Nerima for good," Ranma finished. Mousse dropped back out of sight again. This was definitely worth hearing more of.

Inside, Akane struggled to maintain an angry expression. "That's so mean!!" she said, sounding shocked. "Didn't he do it last night?"

Ranma shook his head. "Doesn't count. Magic potion. But I heard he's taking her La Petite Maison tonight, so... who knows?"

"Who knows..." Akane echoed, jumping to her feet. "Come on."

"Huh? Where?"

"I want to ask Nabiki if she can get us some tickets to go there."

"WHAT?!" Ranma looked horrified. "B-b-b-but you know how our fathers will react!"

Akane snorted. "Won't it be worth it to see if they manage it?" She grabbed Ranma by the hand and dragged him from the room.

Inside, Nabiki smirked. Interesting. Maybe I'll go to La Petite Maison later...

Outside, Mousse narrowed his eyes. So... La Petite Maison, eh? He'd pay a visit there later. But first, some back up...

"This'll be great," Ukyo breathed, looking at the exterior of the posh restaurant. "No fights, no destruction and first class treatment." She looked down at the flowers in her hand with a slight blush. White roses. I can't believe he remembered...

The maitre'd looked at the book. The large post-it note claiming (untruthfully) 'First Date' could hardly be missed. "Ah, yes, reservation for Hibiki. Your sister made the call, I believe," he spoke in a heavily snooty accent. "So, first date, eh?" He winked conspiratorially at Ryoga, who tried to stammer a protest. "Your table is not quite ready, please sit here for a moment." He indicated a tiny sofa in the corner of the room, lit by candlelight. If a couple who happened to be wider than anorexic matchsticks sat there, they'd almost be on each others laps.

Ryoga felt his face burning and made a solemn vow to never, EVER let Urd do him any favors again. Luckily, the torture didn't last long and they were quickly given a table. Relax, sit down, be cool... and everything'll be just perfect, he thought to himself, pouring Ukyo a glass of wine. I gaze at her through the candlelight... and over her shoulder I see... Ryoga managed a spectacular double take when he realized beyond a shadow of a doubt who it was. Urd!! What's she doing here? And who's that guy with her?!

"Something wrong, sugar?" Ukyo asked in concern.

"No! No, nothing's wrong," Ryoga insisted. He took a long drag of his wine and glanced around. !!! He almost dropped the glass when he recognized the latest arrivals. Nabiki and Kuno?!?!?!?! He paled considerably when Nabiki winked at him, adding her patented shark grin as she did so.

"Ryoga-honey? Are you sure you're OK? You look awfully pale." Ukyo looked over her shoulder, but Nabiki and Kuno had already vanished.

"Y-yeah, I'm fine," he stuttered, fiddling with one of the many pieces of cutlery. "Oops." He bent down to pick up the fallen knife and was sent back into shock central by the sight of Akane and Ranma, looking extremely annoyed with the world in general. Oh My God. My life is over... I just know that jerk came here to spy on me...

Ukyo looked at the interesting sculpture that the unfortunate knife had become, and sweatdropped.

Somehow, the collected company of five martial artists and a goddess went entirely without event all through the starter, even Ranma and Akane managing to remain civil to each other. Ryoga and Ukyo talked about anything and everything, not antagonizing each other for once. Even Kuno was disgustingly peaceful, having been bribed by Nabiki not to attack either of the boys. In fact, the only minor bit of excitement was when a fairly attractive woman had jammed her lipstick against a man's chin and whispered "fear is not an option" in his ear. The poor guy had ran down two waiters in his efforts to get to the bathroom.

"Let's dance," Ukyo suddenly suggested between the starter and main course.

Ryoga looked around. "What, here?"

"No, on the dance floor, silly!" She dragged him away before he could voice his protests, keeping a tight hold on his sleeve so he couldn't make a break for it. "Ooh, I like this song," she claimed gleefully, listening to the opening bars of 'Alexanders Ragtime Band.' "There's no need to looked so scared, it's not like it's a slow song," she teased him.

"B-but I... I can't dance!" he hissed, a look of abject terror on his face.

Ukyo shrugged. "Then there's no better time to learn."

"B-b-but people are staring at me!" he tried again. Specifically, people I don't want you to notice.

Ukyo was not about to be turned down, however. "We did not come to La Petite Maison to spend the entire night just eating," she berated. After [BANNED TOPIC!!! EVEN THINKING ABOUT THIS TOPIC IS LIKELY TO SCREW YOUR BRAIN!!!], you owe me! "Now, are you a man or a mouse?"

"I like cheese," he responded weakly, giving into his fate.

Somehow he managed to muddle his way through the next few numbers without destroying anything. His confidence began to rise slowly but surely... Ukyo hadn't spotted Ranma and Akane - together - which would no doubt be the subject of all hot gossip at school next week, Kuno hadn't thrown a tantrum at the sight of Ranma and Akane out together and somehow, he'd managed to make it this far without attacking Ranma, being beaten up by Ukyo or splashed by cold water. He relaxed slightly, a small smile playing across his face. Yep. Everything's going perfectly.

"Excuse me, could we cut in?"

"W-wha...?"

"Hey!!"

It really was amazing how often the sound of impending doom is usually marked by the voice of Nabiki Tendo. Before either Ukyo or Ryoga could protest (much), they were whisked away by new partners. Ryoga felt his stomach begin a replica of a deep sea dive as Nabiki upgraded her shark grin from 'I know something verrrrry interesting about you' to 'I know something verrrrry interesting about you and I'm going to blackmail your buns off now.' She looped her arms around his neck and purred cheerfully. "Why, fancy meeting you and Ukyo here of all places! I thought you two had an 'all romance void' engagement!"

"We do," Ryoga responded flatly, feeling very much like a fly in a web and trying not to let any uncertainty seep into his voice. "I'm trying to apologize for the Hinako incident - which you started, by the way," he added snappily. "We got the pressure points, I'm not a ladykilling pervert, and as you may have noticed, the woman still hates my guts."

Nabiki tutted cheerfully. "Such temper, Ryoga-chan. I guess you'd rather be back with Ukyo, eh?" she paused for a second before leaning in closer. "After all, you only have until Monday night," she whispered. She stifled a giggle as she felt the Lost Boy start in surprise and pressed on before he could try and charm his way out of it. "Would be such a dreadful shame if Ukyo were to find out about this challenge, eh?"

"You wouldn't be willing to keep it secret out of the goodness of your heart," Ryoga asked meekly, not even bothering with denial.

"Ooooh..." Nabiki looked thoughtful for a second before continuing. "That depends entirely on whether you manage it or not." She winked slyly. "We'll talk later," she called, whirling back into Kuno's embrace.

A remarkably enraged Ukyo grabbed him by the back of the collar and glared at him. "Having fun?!!"

"Umm..."

"Well, I'm not! I can't believe the nerve of that guy!!!" Ukyo spat, trying to simmer down her temper. She struck a dramatic pose. "My, Miss Kuonji, truly I am flattered at your attentions, leaving that lowly peasant boy, Hibiki, for greener pastures. While I can understand how you are loathe to remove yourself from my noble and most wondrous presence, alas, I have already but three goddesses who worship me," she declared in a horribly accurate mimic of BokkenBoy.

Noooo!!! This isn't fair! How am I supposed to kiss her if she's in a foul mood?!! Turning around, Ryoga brought out a mace from HammerSpace (about the same size as a mallet, but with far more of a wallop) and whacked Kuno over the head with it. "BE NICE TO UCCHAN!!"

At her table across the room, Urd scowled at the ruckus. Now this simply won't do!! she thought, preparing a spell. Run, run, even unto the Ends of the Earth, for Lo! Thy Awakening is at Hand!

A soft glow formed in her hand and on a table near the dance floor, nobody noticed as a roast chicken sprouted legs. Run, run, with all Thy might... for Thou art now my Servant!

Nabiki screamed as the chicken launched itself at her and Kuno began hacking at it with his bokken, to no avail.

Ryoga turned round and scowled at her. "Urd!!"

Urd cackled with laughter and made the chicken perform a little jig. "Just getting rid of your little troublemakers!!"

"For heavens sake, Urd, don't you ever think?!" Ryoga yelled, trying to recall what little Skuld had taught him about life-force magic.

Not much, but enough. Ranma and Akane jumped to their feet with a yell as their french bread decided to take a stroll. Ranma took a few deep calming breaths. It's just some kind of puppet trick, that's all!! He reached blindly for a sharp knife and swung it just above the bread. "Must be some wires about... here!"

Akane gulped and backed away. "N-nothing?! Then how...?"

Urd added a few more items to her chicken with an evil expression. "NOBODY outdoes me at life-force magic! Mwahahahaha!!!"

"URD!! WILL YOU JUST GROW UP?!" Ukyo yelled in annoyance. In response, the thingamijig turned and began to move towards her. "Eep! Get AWAY!!"

Ryoga turned around and quickly took note of the situation. "Uh... uh... Sic 'em!" he commanded helplessly. Amazingly, incredibly, it worked. The french bread stopped worrying Ranma and attacked Urd's delightful creation with crust teeth, which ran into a table to try and get it off. Ryoga backed away and grabbed Ukyo's hand, dragging her out of the restaurant. "Let's get out of here before we get blamed for all this!"

"Sounds like a plan to me!" Ukyo agreed wholeheartedly. They ran.

"Finally!" Mousse exhaled, seeing the familiar figures flee the restaurant. At least he hoped it was them - even with his glasses on, it was hard to be certain from this distance.

His reluctant companion grumbled by his side. "When you said we were going to spy on them, I thought you meant from inside the restaurant." Mihoshi looked down in dismay at her once-black velvet dress. "This cost me a lot of money, you know."

"I'm not rich. I don't exactly get paid multi-millions for my work," Mousse snapped. "And stop whinging about your clothes, airhead."

"Jerk."

"Airhead."

"Jerk."

"Airhead."

"Poofter."

"Airh... what did you call me?!" Mousse glared at her even more ferociously.

Mihoshi giggled. "Nothing. Come on, they're going."

Watching her skip along a safe distance behind the happy couple, Mousse began to seriously question his sanity on bringing her along. True, she would sooner rip Ukyo limb from limb rather than let her lay lips on her beloved, but she was the most annoying, most irritating, most AIRHEADED person he'd ever laid eyes on. "They're heading towards the river," he said quietly.

Mihoshi scowled. "Since when did I look like a lamppost?!"

Mousse blinked, and re-examined what he was talking to. "Oops. My mistake. Come on!"

Ukyo and Ryoga continued their walk, totally oblivious of the various spies following them, who were oblivious to each other. After a moment, Ryoga ran his fingers through his hair and sighed. "I'm really, really sorry about that," he said mournfully.

Ukyo looked down fondly at the white roses she'd managed to rescue in their flight. "It wasn't your fault," she said quietly, remembering how he'd hit Kuno and set the french bread on the mutant chicken.

"It wasn't??"

Ryoga looked bemused and Ukyo managed a small laugh. "Of course not, silly!"

"R-really??"

"Yes, really!" Seeing him veer unconsciously in the wrong direction, she looped her arm through his and pulled him back on track. "Ucchan's is this way."

"We're going back already?"

Ukyo sighed, noting the disappointment in his voice. I feel like the worlds biggest heel... and after he went to so much trouble too... "We... could go to a disco or something if you want," she suggested.

Ryoga shook his head. "Let's just go for a walk." He began to wander away - back towards the restaurant.

"Sure." Ukyo pulled him back again, this time keeping hold of his arm. "But we do NOT want to go that way."

Ryoga inwardly cursed his sense of direction. "What's that way?"

"La Petite Maison," she replied with a small giggle. "Wonder what Nabiki and Kuno were doing there though?"

"Hmm." Ryoga quickly diverted the subject before Ukyo could enquire as to whether he knew why they'd been there. "Do you think we'll ever be able to go out anywhere without the whole of Nerima finding out?"

"Dunno," Ukyo said cheerfully. "Let's try again and find out."

"!?!?!?!?!?!" Ryoga turned around sharply and almost fell into the river.

"It was a joke! Pull yourself together!" Ukyo grabbed his hand to pull him back. In fact, she pulled a bit harder than intended. All of a sudden they were nose to nose, eye to eye and microcentimeters apart. "Uh..."

"Uh..." Ryoga agreed. Trying to talk was a big mistake. Lips being near each other was one thing. Open lips near each other was another thing entirely, especially when those lips could feel the hot breath coming from the lips across from them. They were frozen in the moment, utterly spellbound by each other. They both tried to look away from the lips, which only resulted in them locking eyes. Close intense eye contact was, if anything, worse.

It was a sugary sweet moment. And somehow, even though it was the right moment for it, Ranma's challenge was suddenly the last thing on Ryoga's mind as he looked into Ukyo's startled blue eyes. Yes, all in all, it was the kind of moment to play the backing music to 'Titanic', the kind of moment that sends diabetics into insulin shock.

The kind of moment to fall in love to.

Someone was fated to interrupt it. And tonight, that someone carried an arsenal that would make Saddam Hussein jealous. "RYOGA HIBIKI, PREPARE TO DIE!!!"

CRACKBANGCRASHBOOMSound of metal blade whizzing through airSHIUCRACK

"Ryoga! Don't mo..."

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...."

SPLASH

"What was that for?!!" Ukyo asked dangerously, advancing on Mousse.

Mousse bowed. "Don't think to harshly of me, Ukyo Kuonji, I have your best interests at - glk!"

"Enough with the small talk, ducky," Ukyo said icily. "I asked for an explanation, not a Shakespearian sonnet."

Mousse waved frantically at his throat, indicating that air was necessary at present before he could speak. Reluctantly, Ukyo loosened her grip and Mousse wheezed for breath. "Kissing... hack challenge... gasp ends.. cough Monday..."

There was a flurry of activity from the bushes and Mihoshi flew out, hair in a disarray, gag around her neck and chains hanging from her limbs. She quickly clamped a hand over his mouth. "Ukyo! Gee... hehe... fancy meeting you here!"

"What's he talking about?" There was a definite hint of suspicion in Ukyo's voice as she directed the question at them all, including Ryoga-chan, who was trying to haul herself out of the river without losing her trousers again.

"Nothing! Nothing!" Mihoshi protested, trying to hold Mousse still. "Just... too much champagne, you know? We'll just go now, you kids have fun!" She attempted to drag him away.

Ukyo grabbed her arm and smiled sweetly. "No, I want to hear this. Mousse, sugar?"

Mousse managed to twist his head free. "Ranma Saotome and..."

"Oh no you don't!!"

WHAM

SPLASH

"Quack?!" (Translation - Bloody hell! Where did he come from?!)

"Ranchan!" Ukyo gazed at the pig-tailed martial artist in shock. "What did you do that for?"

Ranma grinned nervously at her. "Didn't like to see your date being interrupted," he lied, dragging Ryoga-chan out of the water. Mousse pecked her on the head irritably and Ranma brushed him away. "I hope you two have fun!"

Akane stepped out of the shadows and poured a kettle of water over Ryoga-chan. "Here you go, don't mind us now!" Ukyo and Ryoga nodded numbly.

Ranma turned and handed the duck to Mihoshi. "Let's take care of him now," he instructed, his words heavy with meaning. Mihoshi nodded sadistically and the two of them began to walk away, whispering. "What are you doing out here with him anyway??!"

"He didn't tell me what would happen if he lost..."

Ukyo narrowed her eyes and chased after them, carrying the discarded kettle. "WAIT!!"

SPLASH

"OWWW, SHIT, THAT'S HOT!!!!!!!"

Ukyo waved her battle spatula threateningly (I know it wasn't on her outfit, but when did that ever stop her?) at the gathered ensemble. "That's it. I am sick to death of being kept in the dark about whatever is going on, and I want an explanation NOW!!"

Mousse looked around nervously. If I tell her, they'll all kill me - but if I don't, she'll kill me and he'll get to stay in Nerima...

Akane looked at the sky. Oh Ranma... why do you have to make a mess of everything?

Ranma looked at Akane. If I was Ryoga and Akane was Ukyo then telling the truth would be as good as suicide but I'm not Ryoga and Ukyo's not Akane but does that still mean it'll be suicide or not...?

Ryoga looked at the floor. Help.

Mihoshi looked at Mousse. Bakabakabakabakabakabakabakabakabakabaka.....

Ukyo tapped her foot. "Well? Anyone?" She crossed her arms sternly. "OBVIOUSLY something is going on..."

"Maybe I can enlighten you." Nabiki stepped out of the shadows and sidled up to Ryoga. "If this works, you owe me big-time," she hissed. She quickly pasted on her most genuine-looking smile. "Like Mihoshi said, Mousse had too much to drink, and that had a bad effect with the mind drugs Cologne was using in her restaurant earlier."

How many people are following us, anyway? Ukyo wondered idly, narrowing her eyes at Nabiki. Silently she pulled out a handful of notes and waved them enticing at Nabiki.

"I can beat that," Ryoga hissed quickly.

Nabiki swallowed and clenched her fists. "It's... true..." she said weakly. Her eyes stayed locked on Ukyo as the girl calmly added more bills to the wad. Argh! Why isn't there a drying out clinic for moneyholics?!?!

"I can beat that too," Ryoga hissed again, carefully assessing the huge wad of bills. But I can't for much longer...

Nabiki's eyes began to glaze over and turn to dollar signs and drool gathered at the corners of her mouth as Ukyo added yet another handful of bills to the wad. Must... fight... moneeeeeey... NO! But... it's sooooo much moneeeey... Her eyes followed the wad as the other girl waved it slowly back and forth, and her strength weakened.

Ryoga gulped. "I..."

"Uh-oh, we're losing her," Akane muttered, seeing her sisters face. She began to back away slowly. Mousse noticed and decided it would be wise to follow suit, as did Mihoshi. Only Ranma remained behind, curiosity binding him there.

"I guess it must be true then," Ukyo said sweetly, pulling the money away.

"Nabiki, fight it..." Ranma urged, but it was too late.

Nabiki couldn't take it anymore. She ran forward. "No! Stop! It was a lie!" She grabbed the money and sank to her knees, laughing hysterically. "IT WAS A LIEEEEE!!!!"

"NA-BI-KIIII!!!" Ryoga and Ranma wailed simultaneously.

Nabiki turned her tear filled eyes on them. "I'm sorry... I couldn't help myself." She turned back to Ukyo and quickly composed herself. "Ranma bet Ryoga that he wouldn't be able to kiss you by Monday night. If he loses then he has to leave town." She smiled and patted her on the arm. "Don't be too mad with them, OK?"

"Don't be too mad." Ukyo looked at the boys through dead calm eyes, which quickly turned stormy with anger. "DON'T BE TOO MAD???????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" She grabbed Ranma by the throat and shook him. "Why would you want him to do that?!! Don't you want me back?!!"

"Ucchan... I'm sorry..."

She let go and stepped back at the look in Ranma's eyes. "You don't want me back. You never wanted me for a fiancee." She breathed deeply, trying to stop herself from hitting him. "Fine. I can handle that." She turned on Ryoga, who stepped back nervously. "I can handle be engaged to you, too."

"Umm..." Ryoga's eyes flickered from side to side as she continued to advance. "You can...?"

Ukyo grinned madly. "Sure. But what I can't handle..." She hefted her spatula. "Is you two..." She stepped froward again. "Turning our -admittedly very whacked out- engagement..." She swung. "INTO SOME SORT OF PLAYGROUND GAME!!!!!!!" She connected.

CLANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGG

Nabiki and Ranma winced at the very painful noises as Ukyo continued her rant.

"YOU TOTAL JERK!!!!!!!"

CLANNNNG

"I SUPPOSE THAT'S WHY YOU'VE BEEN SO NICE TO ME ALL WEEK!!!!!"

CRUNCH

"I CAN'T BELIEVE I ACTUALLY THOUGH YOU MEANT IT!!!!!!!!!!!!"

SQUISHCLANNNG

"I HATE YOU!!! I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOUR LYING, RAT-FACE, AGAIN!!!"

"SLAAAAAMMM

"WE'RE THROUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Breathing heavily, she swung the spatula one last time. With a loud (you guessed it) CLANNNNNG, Ryoga was sent arcing straight back into the river. Ukyo grinned savagely. "Heh. I should've done that when you kissed me while you were sleepwalking. I should've known..."

"What?!"

"Excuse me?!?"

Ukyo dropped her spatula and clapped her hands over her mouth. "I didn't say that!"

Ranma blinked a few times. "Sleepwalking? He kissed you when he was sleepwalking?!"

The chef pressed her lips together tightly, a small whine escaping. Then she pushed past them both and ran before they could see the tears running down her face. Ryoga, you dummy! How could you do this to me?!

Ranma pulled Ryoga-chan out of the river. "Did you hear that?"

Ryoga-chan coughed and spat out a mouthful of water. "Yes." Her voice was emotionless, but Ranma didn't notice.

"That means you don't have to leave!!" Ranma smiled slightly. The wet girl looked at him, glowing faintly green and the smile faded somewhat, along with the colour in his face. "Uh... Ryoga?"

"Does it honestly matter whether I stay or go now?" Ryoga-chan didn't expect an answer. She looked at the greenish glow in a detached fashion. "Ranma?"

"...Yes?"

"I suggest you take Nabiki and run."

End Part X

Whew! I know this volume's shorter than the others - only ten chapters - but I wanted to get it out before I went to America. (Check's calendar.) Boy, did I manage that - still four weeks to go!

Not much from the demons in this one, but they're biding their time. I do have some vague idea of what I'm doing. I don't intend on spilling up Shampoo and Tsubasa, for any Mousse/ Shampoo/ Tsubasa supporters, so there! Yes, Hinako does have a reason for hating Ryoga, Yes, it does have something to do with his little sister, and yes, I do intend on letting people know what's going on.

And hopefully, Vol 4 will be done soon, when I finally manage to stop people staring over my shoulder.

Ja ne!

Benji )

C&C much groveled for. Please write to me!!!!!! (Sponsored by Soun Sobs TM.)

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