Catching the Butterfly

by Ushio

A Ryoga/Ukyo comedy romance by Benji Delaski

12. Chapter 5

Catching the Butterfly, Volume 5

Disclaimer. (Another one. Now, lets see...)

Dearest Takahshi goddess and various corporations, by typing the following load of nonsense and generally plagiarising many characters that I have no claim to, I hereby understand that you have every right to gouge out my eyeballs with spoons and feed them to the fish in your koi pond, take my firstborn and force me to work in a chicken gutting factory for the rest of eternity while you hold possession of my very soul. Please don't. Pretty please.

Any connection to any living person or situation should be taken up by your nearest psychiatrist.

CTB VOL 5 - Total Nonsense

PROLOGUE

All Work and No Play

"WHAT!"

The look of absolute horror on Keiko Hibiki's face was almost funny. Ryoga just winced. "I'm sorry, Keiko-chan-"

"It's not FAIR! I'll never see you! Why do you have to work for this new person anyway! I thought you liked working for that nasty Ukyo lady even though she's an evil old cow!" Keiko ranted.

"It was a condition of a challenge," Ryoga explained quietly. "I don't like it any more than you do, but I'm honour-bound to do it."

Keiko chewed her lower lip for a moment. "I'm going with you," she said firmly.

"What! No, you can't." Ryoga said firmly.

Keiko crossed her arms. "If your gonna work till ten, then who's gonna feed me? I can eat there and I promise I'll be good." She drew a cross over her chest with her finger. "Cross my heart and hope to die, stick a needle in my eye."

Ryoga couldn't help but laugh. "Well…" He thought for a moment. Keiko was right - he'd have no time to fix her food. And hopefully it would drive Mathilde nuts. He really didn't like the girl at all. "OK then. Let's go." Keiko giggled as he slung her over his shoulder and jumped through the mirror.

In the day Mathilde had been in Nerima, she'd somehow managed to rally together a fairly modest restaurant. Although it was a little smaller than Ucchans, mirrored walls made the interior look larger than it actually was. The grill counter ran along half the back wall, the other half housing a bar, although where she got the licensing to sell alcohol is still a mystery I'm struggling to think of a way to explain logically. High walled booths lined the rest of the walls apart from the small space where the jukebox held residence and a number of tables filled the middle.

Sat at one of the middle tables, Mathilde checked her watch and cursed. You'd better show up, Hibiki. she thought viciously. From the information she'd gathered, she'd figured he was a guy who kept his promises, but if dared not show up…

"Mathilde."

Mathilde shrieked and fell off her chair. Recovering quickly, she hopped to her feet. "You're- who's that?" she asked curiously.

Ryoga placed Keiko on the floor. "This is my sister, Keiko Hibiki. Keiko, this is Mathilde Tanya-Tompson."

Mathilde smiled tersely. "It's Tara-Thompkinson,"

Keiko smiled cutely. "How do you do," she said politely, reaching out to shake the elder girl's hand and purposefully squeezing as hard as possible. Mathilde's eyes watered. Quickly she pulled her hand away. "OK honeybunch, you stay here a second. I'm just going to talk to your brother over there, OK?" Without waiting for an answer, she dragged Ryoga over to the far wall and into a smaller kitchen behind the counter where the food was prepared. "You're late," she scolded.

"No I'm not. You said ten minutes. It's been ten minutes," he pointed out.

Mathilde scowled. "Whatever. Why did you bring that kid here? This is a restaurant, not a crèche, and you are here to work," she hissed furiously. Her plans for ruining Ukyo's life were not going to go quite as smoothly as planned as the evening she'd mentally anticipated had involved getting him drunk, getting him into bed and getting Ukyo to find out. Small children did not appear anywhere in that fantasy as I don't want this to end up on the X-rated servers.

Ryoga pretended not to notice the annoyance in her tone. "Is it all right if she stays here for just a little while?"

"No," Mathilde replied bluntly. "You shouldn't have brought her here in the first place."

"You didn't exactly give me much time to find a babysitter!" Ryoga snapped.

Mathilde narrowed her eyes. "Then she can stay here for half an hour, but NO LONGER. Now," she started, changing the subject. "You can use that phone over in the corner to call someone to pick her up while I go get your uniform."

A sudden idea popped into Ryoga's head. "Do you want me to work the same as I do at Ucchans?" he asked innocently. He didn't relish the idea of it, but it would be amusing to see how she reacted.

A smile curved on her lips. "ExACTly as you work for her."

"Oh good." He walked over to the sink and filled up a cup with cold water. Then turning to face her, he smugly poured the contents over his head.

Mathilde's eyes bugged out comically and she almost fell over in shock as the guy in front of her became a girl. "Whu-wh-" she spluttered.

(…Welcome to the fight of… this week, a battle for the hand – and the rest - of Nerima's most popular aquatransexual, Ryoga Hibiki!)

Nabiki's words echoed in her mind and she almost swore at herself for banishing the facts as high school gossip. All right, wise guy, she thought angrily, acknowledging the barely concealed smile on Ryoga-chan's face. Two can play that game! She smiled her brightest and most innocent smile. "Oh, that's wonderful!" she gushed. "A waitress always brings far more customers than a waiter! Wait here, I'll just find something for you to wear," she called, vanishing up a flight of stairs.

Ryoga-chan blinked in surprise. That wasn't supposed to happen, she thought slowly.

Her thoughts were interrupted by the re-arrival of Mathilde, who'd searched madly through her wardrobe to find a provocative - and thus humiliating outfit. With the sweet smile in place, she held out the coat hanger upon which hung a see-through white blouse, black bra and short, pleated black school skirt. Her eyes widened in shock and she backed away. "No way," she said firmly, her voice rising. "There is no way on earth I'm going to wear that outfit!" She folded her arms across her chest and looked pointedly away.

"Yes you are," Mathilde said simply.

Ryoga-chan snapped her head back to look at her. "What? Hey, you can't FORCE me to wear it," she growled.

"Maybe not," Mathilde agreed. She swung the hanger gently. "But if word got out to the authorities that a certain young girl was without the care of a mother and that her elder brother was unable to look after her…" She let the sentence trail away and looked at her meaningfully.

Slowly, Ryoga-chan reached out to take the clothes.

"Stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, STUPID!"

Akane winced as the irate chef punctuated each blow at the workout dummy with those words and finished with a savage kick that sent it crashing into the wall. "Come on, Ukyo, don't be so hard on yourself."

Ukyo scowled and punched an imaginary lilac-haired opponent into oblivion. "Why not? I agreed to the dumb challenge when I knew I couldn't do it." She flopped down onto the floor and glared at the ceiling.

Akane cautiously sat down next to her. "If you knew you couldn't do it, why did you agree?"

Ukyo sighed slowly. "You remember when Ryoga and Ranma agreed to that ice-skating thing when neither of them could skate and they still won, and later when Ranma got kidnapped by that martial arts tea guy and agreed to fight Miss Satsuki when he didn't know a thing about the tea ceremony?" She paused for a moment, trying to think of the right words. "I guess… I figured I was the good guy and if I believed I could win, I would."

"Ukyo…" Akane said slowly. "Ryoga won the ice-skating competition by breaking up the rink and throwing huge chunks of ice at Azusa and Mikado, and Miss Satsuki was a monkey."

Ukyo looked at her in disbelief. "You're kidding me."

"Nope," Akane confirmed with a smile.

Ukyo almost returned her smile, but it was halfhearted. "Well, they won, I didn't." She propped herself up on one elbow. "Akane, will you help me train? I'm going to challenge her again and get him back," she decided, determination evident in her voice. "And this time I won't lose."

Akane blinked. "I'm not too good with a sword - Kuno can beat me in a fair fight. But why do you want to challenge her again?" She narrowed her eyes slightly. "Aren't you always telling me Ryoga's a sex-changing pervert with fewer brains than God gave a chipmunk? And then you beat him up-"

"And threw him in the river yadda yadda. Yes, I KNOW!" Ukyo finished. "I'm constantly being reminded of that fact."

Akane continued relentlessly. "Then why-"

Ukyo exploded. "Because he's MINE! He was mine first!" She grabbed Akane by the shoulders and shook her. "Don't you get it? YOU went bananas when I first showed up here and when I tried to set you and Ryoga up together, you came charging round to my place convinced we were going to have a duel!" She let go of Akane's shoulders and closed her eyes. "See, you may not like Ranma all the time, but he was yours first, just like Ryoga was mine first. And that's why I'm gonna do it."

Akane digested the statement in silence, then stood up. "Come on," she stated, holding out a hand to help the other girl up.

Ukyo looked up at her, puzzled. "What? Where?"

"We're going to find someone to give you a real sword lesson."

End Prologue

PART I

Monday's Child is Fairly Stressed.

The raging aura around the young waitress made the customers wonder whether they'd be safer eating in the Cat Café. Most of them actually agreed they'd probably be safer eating atop Mount Etna whilst it was erupting, but as half a population is male – and many of Mathilde's customers were the guys of Furinkan who'd been ogling her earlier – they decided to risk it.

By the time Ryoga-chan had hit her fourth target for calling her 'Babe,' Mathilde decided enough was enough. A slight frown hovering around her features, she dragged the irate girl into the back kitchen and glared at her. "Could you TRY to be a little more civil?" she asked angrily.

Ryoga-chan crossed her arms. "I was being civil. That doesn't mean I'm going to smile sweetly and say thank you sir when some creep calls me babe. I'm not a piglet," she added, with feeling. And I never EVER want to be a piglet again!

Mathilde fixed her with a steely glare. "You are not to beat up the customers. They pay your wages."

Ryoga-chan returned the glare with reinforcements. "They live in NERIMA for goodness sake! They don't go to a restaurant without expecting a figh-"

She stopped abruptly as Mathilde picked up the telephone. "Hello? Is that the Tokyo department of Child Welfare?"

"Nooo! Stop it! I won't hurt them, I swear!"

Keiko watched her brother/ sister as she dispensed lesser quality okonomiyaki with a highly subdued expression on her face. Poor Ryoga-chan. It's not fair he has to do this when he didn't lose the fight. She caught sight of the dark look Ryoga-chan sent in Mathilde's direction and smiled slightly. At least I don't have to worry about him marrying HER and leaving me on my own again, she thought cheerfully. But she till needs to be taught a lesson. With that thought burning in her mind, Keiko waited patiently until her elder sibling was busy with a large order, then beckoned Mathilde over.

"What are you still doing here?" Mathilde asked slightly snappily. "I have business to do with your big brother, so don't tag along again."

Keiko beckoned her closer to whisper in her ear. "I don't know why your even bothering," the small child whispered. "My brother'd never go with a slut like you!"

Mathilde pulled away as if burned and stared at the little girl in shock. A look of intense rage flooded her features and she pulled back her fist to hit her. "You little-!"

Keiko ignored the expletives – she'd heard most of them before anyway. Waiting until Mathilde's fist was inches from her nose, she let out an ear-splitting scream.

Instantly, Ryoga-chan dropped the tray she was holding and swept Keiko into her arms. Furious, she turned to face Mathilde. "What are you, some new breed of psycho! How could you even THINK about hitting a child!" she yelled hysterically.

The restaurant plunged into silence and Mathilde felt that sinking feeling of doom wash over her.

"Did you see that! She went to hit that kid…"

"How awful!"

"There's no way I'd bring my kid sister here now…"

One woman stood up and picked her little boy up. "I think we'll be going now," she said stonily. "And I'm not sure I'll be eating here again if the manager can't control her temper around small children."

"But…" Mathilde began hopelessly, looking around in dismay as half her customers began to walk out. She whirled around to face Ryoga-chan again and was just in time to catch sight of a gloating tongue stuck out in her direction. Her eyes narrowed savagely. "Get that brat out of my restaurant this instant!" she hissed. "And don't ever bring her back.

"I wouldn't bring her back if you begged," Ryoga-chan retaliated. She picked up a menu and opened it. "Go home, Keiko-chan," she whispered. "I'll see you later."

Keiko nodded. "Bye bye, Ryoga-chan! See ya!" she said, trying to hide the glee in her voice. Pointless revenge is so sweet.

Concentrating grimly, Ukyo raised her sword and leapt forward to hit the target… and missed. The wooden block bounced off her nose. "Ow!"

Tenchi reached up and stopped it before it could swing back for seconds. "Uh… Ukyo, how can I put this?" he began with a look of worry on his face.

"Put what?" Ukyo asked, rubbing her nose.

"I'm not sure whether I can train you up to Mathilde's standards, even if you tried for a year." Tenchi admitted, shaking his head. "Your sword fighting sucks."

CLANG

"Ooh. Pretty stars," Tenchi burbled before falling over backwards.

Akane winced. "Ukyo, I don't think you're going to learn much if you keep beating the snot out of your teacher."

Ukyo groaned. "You're right, you're right, I know!" She kicked the ground sullenly. "Geez, I hate swords."

"Then why not challenge her to something else?" Akane suggested.

Ukyo blinked. "Good idea. Now what can I do better than her, hmm?" she said sarcastically, tapping her chin thoughtfully.

Akane missed the sarcasm. "Hit things with your spatula," she said promptly.

Ukyo blinked then snapped her fingers. "I know! I'll just challenge her to a game of Whack Attack, shall I?" she cried, fixing Akane with a steely glare. "I'm sure people will come running for miles to watch the match."

Akane shook her head. "I mean, challenge her to an anything goes fight to finish by knockout, using the weapon of her choice."

Ukyo blinked then frowned. "The weapon of Mathilde's choice is a sword. We have established that with a sword, I suck. Did we skip two pages here?

Akane shook her head solemnly. "You're right - the weapon of Mathilde's choice will probably be sword. But I didn't mention anything about what the weapon of YOUR choice would be…"

Ukyo's face slowly broke into a wide grin.

Ryoga was not happy. Not happy at all. Working till late and fending off the pervier Neriman residents who tried cop a feel was bad enough. Then he'd gotten home and discovered Keiko and Urd had attempted cooking and the result was making plans to invade Russia. Together they'd all managed to kill it and had all crashed, completely exhausted and almost completely powered out, Urd and Skuld included. Then that morning he realised he'd completely forgotten about his homework – but working from six in the morning until the beginning of school meant that he had no time to do it during breakfast. Luckily it was for science, which he wouldn't have until that afternoon. Assuming he didn't have to working during lunch (and if he did then he was going to hide), he'd go to the library and finish it then.

But all of these things added up to make Ryoga madder than a woman with PMT who's discovered the chocolate's been stolen. Most people caught sight of the expression on his face and wisely shut up.

Of course, some didn't.

"Why hello, my pretty! Happy's happy to see you!"

Most martial artists in Nerima have this strange compulsion to scream out a battlecry halfway through an attack, then look annoyed when their target dodges. (Rather like cops who put the siren on and wonder why the burglar ran away.) Happosai was a very old martial artist and had thus learned that by throwing the bucket of water first, the target would turn around just in time to get soaked and he'd be rewarded with a large set of gazongas to land on. The tried-and-true method proved itself once again and the old man sighed with bliss. "Is there any better way for an old man to be happy?"

"How 'bout on somebody else?" Ryoga-chan suggested coldly, pulling the old pervert away from her and wondering whether she had enough energy to flash fry him. She settled for setting his hair on fire. "What do you want, old man?"

Happosai rolled around on the grass, trying to stifle the flames. Finally he sat up. "I just wanted to say hello, is that too much to ask!" he wailed.

"You want me to set the rest of you on fire?" she growled in a low voice. "Leave me alone."

Happosai pouted. "Just trying to be friendly," he grumbled, turning away. "You're mean to a poor old man. I'll go say hello to Ranma-chan instead."

"Yeah, you do that," Ryoga-chan scowled, wringing out her shirt. Damn. Now I'll have to find some hot water from somewhere.

From somewhere around the corner of the gym came a loud scream and various pulverising noises. "Sounds like Happosai found his Ranma-chan," Ryoga-chan muttered correctly. The small, spry old man confirmed his suspicions by running around the corner, cackling with glee, closely followed by a fuming Ranma-chan. Before she could move, they'd both bounced off her head, sending her crashing to the ground with a large sack on her chest. "Ouch." She groaned and closed her eyes.

"There's the panty thief!" a voice cried.

Ryoga-chan's eyes flew open and that golf club feeling swamped her. A ring of girls, headed by a tanklike brunette, surrounded her, various looks of disgust on their faces. "What?"

"I always knew Ranma was a panty stealing pervert, but I never though HE was," one girl muttered.

"It's getting so you don't dare get changed for games any more," another one grumbled.

Ryoga-chan sat up quickly. The large sack was indeed full of women's underwear. Her face coloured. "Um…"

"OK, panty thief, what have you got to say for yourself!" the large brunette snarled, stepping forward and grabbing her by the collar.

"Not guilty?"

"You're caught red-handed with the goods and you expect us to believe that you're innocent?" she said slowly. The angry girls around her muttered in agreement. "You asked for it, buster."

Something inside of Ryoga-chan snapped. All of a sudden, she was sick to the back teeth of being continually made to bear the blame of other peoples actions. An angry light shone in her eyes as she stood up and thrust the sack of underwear towards the ringleader. "Check your witnesses. And next time, look for a motive. I didn't steal your underwear. I have no use whatsoever for your underwear – I can't gain strength from it unlike a certain old man I could mention. And if I stole your underwear, do you really think I'd be lying down on the ground with it in a bag next to me?" she snarled, fanged teeth showing.

The other girls backed away hurriedly. "Uh…"

"If you want to punish the culprit, then punish the culprit," Ryoga-chan continued, turning to walk away. "Not the first person you see whom Happosai's unloaded his haul upon. Now back off and LEAVE ME ALONE!" she shouted over her shoulder.

The girls quickly discussed the situation between themselves. "OK, so he didn't do it. Now what?"

"Well, if it wasn't him, it must've been the other one."

With that conclusion, the girls raised the weapons aloft. "RANMA SAOTOME, PREPARE TO DIE!"

Ryoga-chan looked slightly stunned, then shook her head. "I will never understand girls," she muttered under her breath.

Ranma-chan chose that moment to come screaming round the corner with a crowd of girls hot on her tail. She glared at Ryoga-chan. "THIS IS All your fault…" she yelled, her voice fading out as she headed towards the relative safety of the school roof.

Fortunately for all those who didn't want to be fried by a shishi hokodan, Ryoga's stress level had gone down somewhat by the time English class started. And to make them feel even safer, regular class was suspended so the students could make halloween decorations for the school hall. So there would be no conflict today about 'who actually teaches the subject here, mister!'

You'd think so, wouldn't you.

"Pretty babyish, this decoration lark," Ryoko muttered.

"It gets us out of lessons, doesn't it," Ukyo pointed out, carefully cutting out a black cat on a broomstick. Ranma shuddered and moved his desk slightly away. "Besides," she continued, "it's kinda fun. Would you rather be having an English test?"

Ryoko sighed. "I'd rather-"

Whether she'd rather make valentines decorations or whether she'd rather sunbathe naked in Hades, Ukyo never found out as Ayeka chose that moment to show Tenchi the witches she was drawing and Ryoko commented on whether she'd managed that from memory or was she looking at a mirror for guidance. Needless to say, the back wall went up in flames and the two girls spent the rest of the lesson out cold on the floor.

Ukyo sighed and shook her head. "You'd think those two would've learnt by now," she said to Tenchi.

Tenchi shrugged. "It gets the focus off her favourite victim, I suppose." He grinned. "You know what I like about this school?" He continued before Ukyo could guess. "Ryoko, Washu and Ayeka have almost completely destroyed it between themselves and I haven't been suspended."

"Furinkan is used to being destroyed. It was probably an air raid shelter in WWII," Ukyo commented. She paused. "You still on for lunch?"

"I wouldn't miss it for the world," he replied. "You ARE going to give me okonomiyaki, aren't you?"

"Of course. Meet you outside the lunch hall."

In the row in front, Ryoga pricked his ears up. Ukyo's not having lunch with me! he thought with surprise. He stole a quick glance behind him. Ukyo and Tenchi were chatting together quietly. He turned back and thoughtfully analysed the situation. There's nothing to worry about. They're just talking. He's probably going to teach her to sword fight properly and she's going to cook him dinner in return. The sound of laughter reached his ears and the pencil he was holding snapped in half. There is NOTHING to worry about! Ryoko and Ayeka wouldn't let there be!

"Something wrong, Hibiki?" Hinako asked sweetly.

Ryoga looked down at the broken pencil halves and flushed. "No Sensei," he muttered, reaching for the sharp half.

Hinako picked up a small decoration. "A ghost. How cute," she commented. "And what makes you associate ghosts with halloween if they can be seen all year round?"

Ryoga drummed his fingers on the desktop. "Because the word Halloween derives from All Hallows Eve and it's the one night when the barrier between the living and the dead can be broken."

"Smartass," she muttered, jumping off the desk.

Ryoga narrowed his eyes. "I don't know why we're bothering to make halloween decorations – we could just dress you up and stick you on a broom."

Hinako whirled around. "I heard that! HAPPO NO YEN COIN RETURN!" Her target ducked under the blast, almost feeling sorry for Ranma, who received the full onslaught and became one with the wall. Hinako-chan hissed angrily and scrabbled in her pocket for a coin, and finally located a fifty yen piece. Ryoga melted it. A small chorus of sniggers filled the classroom as the students watched the teacher jump around yelling, before locating another coin and draining him. "Back to work, class. Unless you'd rather have a small test on verbs and adjectives…"

At lunchtime, Ryoga settled down next to Ranma and yawned. Ranma shot at glance at him. "Sleepy?"

"Couldn't sleep. Keiko stole all the covers."

Ranma almost bit his tongue off. "Who in the world is Keiko!"

Ryoga looked surprised. "She's my little sister."

"Little… sister?"

"Yes." Ryoga fixed him a steely glare. "I DO actually have a little sister. She's seven. The kid who pooped out of my English book the other day."

"And… she steals the covers," Ranma said slowly. "Doesn't she have a bed of her own?"

"Yes, but Skuld's sleeping in it," he admitted. "And Urd's taken over my parents room so she's sharing with me."

Ranma nodded. "At least you don't have to share with a panda." He opened his bento box. Then he slowly closed it. Then he opened it a crack and peeped inside, then closed it again. "Hey, buddy-"

"No," Ryoga cut him off, opening his own bento box. Then he slammed the lid on again.

There was a small pause.

"You want to swap?" Ryoga finally asked.

"Sure!" Ranma reached out eagerly and snatched the box away. "Real food-ACK!" He slammed the lid down firmly and glared at Ryoga. "What the heck was that thing!"

"Don't ask me, I didn't cook it. I think it's another of Urd's masterpieces," Ryoga admitted, opening Ranma's bento box. He peered at the contents. "Did Akane make this?"

"Yeah. And she made it for me, so give it back!" Ranma growled, making a grab for it.

"You gave it to me!"

"I don't care! Give it back to me!"

Across the other side of the room, Akane grinned happily. "My cooking must be getting better! Look at how Ranma and Ryoga are fighting over it!"

Ranma suddenly stopped. "Why the heck are we fighting for something that was cooked by Akane, when we could just ask Ucchan to make us some food!" he exclaimed, then set off at a run. "C'mon porky, keep up!"

"What did you just call me! I'll GET you for that!" Ryoga ran after him. "Ranma! Get back here so I can kill you!" He ran around the corning of the building at top speed, running full tilt into the other martial artist, who'd stopped short. The two crashed heavily to the ground. "What did you stop for!"

"Just get offa me! You weigh a ton!" Ranma hissed into the dirt. He sat up and pointed. "There she is. But what's she doing?"

Ryoka peeked around the corner. "She's making okonomiyaki, you idiot. What does it look like she's doing!"

"For Tenchi Masaki?"

Ryoga shrugged. "Ryoko and Ayeka make toxic food too. Maybe he's just trying to get some edible food as well. There's nothing at all to worry about," he repeated again. "I mean, it's not like she LIKES him or anything."

Ranma shook his head. "They look pretty friendly to me, man. If that was you and Akane, I'd turn into a girl and break it up. Not that I'm jealous or anything," he added hastily. "I mean, for her sake, 'cause if her old man found out, he'd blow his top." At me, he added mentally.

A small smile flitted around the edge of Ryoga's mouth. "If Ukyo's dad found out, he'd go nuts."

"True," Ranma agreed.

"So if I went over there to break it up, it'd be purely with her best interests in mind," he continued.

"Yeah, you go girl!" Ranma said enthusiastically.

"Do I look crazy to you!" Ryoga asked sharply. "I've seen Akane try to kill you for doing that!"

"Just think of it as training," Ranma said, attempting a different tactic. "You have to get close to the enemy without them realising it-"

"By… turning into a girl," Ryoga said slowly.

"Right, by turning into a girl. Then you have to dodge everything that's thrown at you when she finds out," he finished. Before Ryoga could comment, he picked up a bucket of cold water and tipped it over him. "And it's also pretty fun too," he admitted, whipping the bandanna out of her hair. "Let's go get you a disguise."

"Fun!" Ryoga-chan echoed helplessly as Ranma dragged her along to the drama department. "Ranma, I don't think I want to do this! Ranma!"

Ten seconds later…

"I feel stupid," Ryoga-chan grumped, glaring at her reflection in the mirror. She was kitted out in a formal kimono, dark red with darker red flowers embroidered on it. She was also wearing a shoulder length black wig – and a highly irate expression.

"You LOOK fabulous," Ranma reassured her. He rooted through a few accessories. "What about a bow?"

"I'm not wearing a bow," Ryoga-chan said flatly.

"You'd look good with the bow…" Ranma said gently.

"I'm not wearing the bow! And this is a dumb idea!" Ryoga-chan exploded.

"You WANT Ukyo to marry Tenchi?"

"I-"

"You want her dad to have her hung, drawn and quartered?"

"No but-"

"You seriously want Ryoko and Ayeka screaming for your blood because you didn't stop her?"

"No!" Ryoga-chan tapped her foot for a second, gazed at the floor and drew a small circle with her toe. "All right, I'll go."

"And-" Ranma began, holding out the bow.

"But I am NOT wearing the bow!"

In fact, the reason Tenchi was eating lunch with Ukyo was because they'd established that although Ukyo was a pro with the spatula, it would be an infinite help if she could practise with an opponent who used a sword. Bribed with the promise of food that didn't bite back, Tenchi had readily agreed and was happily digesting before practise.

"Tenchi!"

Tenchi whimpered, thinking Ryoko and Ayeka had found him again, when a petite girl landed in front of him. He blinked. "Can I help you miss?"

"Don't be silly, Tenchi! It's me!" Ryoga-chan painted a bright smile on her face and sat down next to him.

Tenchi quickly racked his brains. She didn't look particularly like Hiwa or Mayuka, one of who'd turned out to be a ghost of sorts, and the other who'd claimed to be his daughter. But she also didn't look like any of the aliens he'd met. "I'm awfully sorry ma'am…"

Ukyo peered closely at her. Ryoga-chan looked back innocently, braced herself and flung her arms around his neck. "Silly! It's Haruka, remember! We went to uh… elementary school together!"

"We did?" Tenchi asked vaguely, trying to breath.

"Sure we did! We were in Miss uh… in… in class together when we were nine," Ryoga-chan said quickly, covering her slip when she realised she didn't have any idea who his teachers would've been.

"So why are you here now?" Ukyo cut in suspiciously.

"Because I'm his fiancee," Ryoga-chan stated smugly. "Who are you?"

Before she could answer, Tenchi cut in. "Fiancee! Wait, were you in a near fatal accident?"

Ryoga-chan blinked slowly. "What! How did you know that!"

Tenchi grinned triumphantly. "Wait here, I know how to deal with this one! Hey, Washu!" he called, jumping to his feet and racing across the grounds. "Washuuuuu…"

The two girls stared after him. "That boy is weird," Ryoga-chan said after a moment.

Ukyo gave her a sidelong glance. "He's not the only one," she said dryly, reaching out and pulling the wig off her head.

"Hey!"

"I knew it! What the heck is wrong with you!" Ukyo snapped, picking up her spatula. "Dressing in a kimono… that's RANMA'S scene, not yours! I mean…" She tailed off and stared at her. "Were you jealous!" she asked slowly.

"Jealous!" Ryoga-chan said sharply. "What of! I mean, you two were just talking, it's not like there was anything going on!" she laughed, her voice rising in pitch. She blinked slowly. "Uh… right?"

Ha! You were SO jealous! Ukyo suppressed a smile. "Well actually," she started innocently, "Tenchi's agreed to work for me now."

"He… has?" Ryoga-chan asked slowly.

"Uh huh! His house is always getting wrecked so he's going to try and earn some more money for repairs," she said lightly. "So I don't have to worry about you working at Matilda's now."

Ryoga-chan felt as though she'd been hit with a sledgehammer. "Y-you don't…" she began in a small voice, then stopped. She's not going to help me, she realised with something akin to horror. I'm stuck working for Mathilde Tanya-Tara Whateveritis forever!

Ukyo blinked. "Uh… you OK?" she asked slowly. Was it something I said?

"Huh? Yeah, I'm fine," she said in a falsely bright tone, her voice cracking slightly. "Just fine. I'll just… just… see ya round!" With that, she charged back around the corner and stomped Ranma into the dust.

"Didn't work?" Ranma asked sweetly from beneath her foot.

"Ranma Saotome, I'm never going to listen to your daft ideas ever again!"

End Part 1

PART II

Mathilde Bites Back.

"I heard about what you did at lunchtime," Mathilde said sweetly as she escorted Ryoga-chan back to her restaurant. "I guess it must be amusing to be able to fool people like that."

"Yeah. Real fun," Ryoga-chan replied tersely, trying to ignore her and trying to think. If it was only herself at stake, she wouldn't hesitate to get himself fired. But there was Keiko too. Naughty, mischievous Keiko who after five years of loneliness had finally managed to locate a member of her family. Remembering how lonely he'd been himself at her age, she couldn't allow Mathilde to split them up. She'd do whatever she wanted as long as she didn't take her little sister away. Be a good rat and you can have the cheese. True, the schoolgirl outfit was bad, but there were far worse things it could be.

Mathilde pushed the door open and dragged her inside, still chattering cheerfully. "…So I popped down to a costume rental shop during lunch and picked up something. This will really bring the guys running in!" She disappeared, then reappeared with a new outfit on a coathanger.

She'd been right, she realised, slowly reaching out for the new outfit. It could always be worse.

It could be a policewoman's outfit.

The next day, it was a nurses outfit.

The day after, it was a bunny-girl outfit.

Ryoga-chan's eyes almost fell out of her head. "You are not seriously expecting ME to wear THAT!" she hissed, pointing towards the offending outfit.

"Oh no," Mathilde said innocently. "I'm ordering you to wear that. If you want your pretty young sister to remain within your care, that is."

With a furious expression on her face, she reached out and snatched the outfit, then stomped off to the changing room, slamming the door behind her. A shower of plaster fell down and Mathilde winced. "That's the closet." Silently, Ryoga-chan pushed open the door, crossed the room, pushed open the correct door and slammed it equally hard. "Or you could always serve in your other form," Mathilde suggested cheerfully.

"Dream on," Ryoga-chan muttered under her breath. It was a suggestion the lilac haired girl made every day, but each time she said it, it made her even more suspicious as to what her motives were. Besides. She didn't want to give the other girl the satisfaction of seeing her cave in. Wishing she could just curl and die – or even better, eradicate the other girl with one look – she stepped out of the room, wobbling slightly on her high heels.

A dark aura of barely suppressed anger and humiliation hung over the girl like a heavy blanket and for a fleeting moment, Mathilde wondered if maybe she'd pushed her too far. The moment disappeared as quickly as it had arrived. I've given him the chance to turn back. It's his own fault for being so stubborn, she thought to herself. She clapped her hands together. "Ooh la la! Ladies, lock up your husbands!"

"You're not funny," Ryoga-chan muttered, crossing her arms. She watched Mathilde turn on the grill and sighed heavily Dammit Ukyo! I don't understand why you'd just leave me in the lurch like this.

As well as the alarming influx of hormone-driven male students that night, Mathilde's restaurant also received a surprise guest in the form of Nabiki Tendo. A calm, calculating smile hovered around her lips as she scanned the restaurant, then leaned against the entrance to the ladies toilets.

A few seconds later, Ryoga-chan passed by, only to find herself roughly grabbed by her bunny ears and yanked backwards through a doorway. "Hey!" she yelped.

"Shut up or I'll give Mathilde those photo's of you in lingerie!" Nabiki hissed in her ear. (No, not the bunny ears, you silly billys!)

Ryoga-chan pulled free and turned on her heel, staring at the other girl in surprise. "Nabiki! Wha-what are you doing!"

Nabiki arched an eyebrow at her. "I could ask you the same thing. Nice outfit, by the way," she added.

Ryoga-chan flushed. "I'm working. That's how some of us earn what's known as an honest living," she snapped irritably, turning to go.

Nabiki flinched, then reached over and grabbed her by the arm, turning her back to face her. "Look, Ryoga, I'm sorry about… that. I just wanted to talk to you about Ukyo."

"Ukyo? What about her? Is she OK?" the other girl asked, a small note of concern creeping into her voice.

"Ukyo's fine." Nabiki pulled her over to the door. "What do you see?"

Ryoga-chan looked at her for a moment to try and determine whether the other girl had finally gone mad, then shrugged and peered out of the door. "I see a whole lot of guys. And Mathilde being ticked off because there's nobody out there to take the order," she added, a small smile on her lips.

Nabiki nodded. "Give the gal a prize! Like I say, Ukyo's fine, but her business ain't so hot. Those guys out there," she continued, waving towards the door, "are all here to cop an eyeful of your pretty outfits. And it's hitting her pretty hard."

Ryoga-chan looked horrified. "I-I… I didn't- I never-"

"You don't have to wear the outfits. I know your big man macho pride would be put through the wringer if you give in to her, but believe me, wearing the bunny suit is not the way!" Nabiki said sternly.

"It's- it's not pride. If I had any other choice I wouldn't do it," the smaller girl whispered. Her voice wobbled dangerously. "But if I don't d-do what she s-says, s-she'll…" A tear trickled down her face. "She'll tell t-the authorities t-that I d-d-don't know w-where my p-parents are and t-they'll t-take Keiko-chan a-away and p-put her in a h-home," she sniffled, sliding down the wall and hugging her legs.

"Ryoga…" Nabiki began, then stopped, not knowing what to say.

"I-I l-lost A-Aiko and I d-d-don't w-want to l-lose m-m-my l-little s-sister too!" she finished, sobbing into her arms.

Nabiki looked torn for a second, then knelt down in front of her. "Hey. Tomorrow, tell Mathilde you're not wearing her dumb costumes any more. Go guy. That should irritate the hell out of her!"

Ryoga-chan blinked. "B-but what about-"

"I will take care of that little problem," Nabiki interrupted. She grinned. "That is, if she has the guts to go through with it." She stood up, wincing as her knees protested, and hauled the other girl to her feet. "Now dry your face, go out there and show her who's boss! Are you a man or a munchkin!"

"A munchkin?"

The next evening…

Ukyo frowned slightly as she looked around the disturbingly empty restaurant interior. Apart from herself and Tenchi (who'd reluctantly agreed to go along with her lie as it would give them both the opportunity for more training), there was only three occupied tables. And as she watched, the group at one of the tables stood up, paid and left. Look on the bright side, she thought grimly. It gives you more space to practise without decapitating anyone! She glanced over to where Tenchi was cheerfully collecting glasses from predefined table and gripped her spatula, then swung it towards his head. Turning around slightly, he quickly brought his sword up in defence. "Drat," she muttered, pulling back and swiftly aiming a swipe at his midsection.

Tenchi jumped to one side, but not quite quickly enough. A small rip appeared in the side of his shirt. He blinked in surprise. "You got a hit-"

CLANG

"-In," he finished, before keeling over.

Ukyo blinked. "Tenchi? You OK?"

Tenchi sat up slowly. "I have bluebirds flying round my head. Other than that though, I'm fine." He grinned up at her. "But I think you're ready."

"You do?" Ukyo repeated in surprise, looking down at her spatula then back at him.

Tenchi nodded. "Not only did you smack me out cold without me first getting you mad, but you also got through my defences. In my opinion, you'll be able to handle that girl quite adequately this time."

Ukyo grinned happily in response. "I'll go deliver the challenge now then," she said cheerfully, heading to go.

Tenchi nodded and picked up his pack. "Good lu-"

"And where do you think you're going!"

"…Home?" he suggested blankly.

"What! And leave my restaurant unattended!" Ukyo propelled him back over to the counter. "You wait her until I get back!" she ordered, skipping out of the door.

Tenchi blinked after her. "Sure thing, boss." I hate my life.

Earlier that evening…

"Mathilde, I'm not going to wear a costume tonight," Ryoga said firmly.

Mathilde smiled. "I guess you don't want your little sister either then." She picked up a mobile phone. "Guards. Go to Ryoga Hibiki's home and apprehend his little sister." She grinned back at him. "Have a nice night!"

Ryoga shook his head and the daydream/ nightmare dispersed. Don't be so dumb, he told himself sternly. She'd try and talk me out of it first and anyway, Nabiki said she'll take care of it. He took a deep breath and stared at the mirror again. "Mathilde, I'd like to work in my male form tonight please."

Mathilde clapped her hands together happily. "Goodie! I have a doctor's outfit and a policeman's outfit and even a Roman toga too! This will be so much fun!"

Ryoga shook his head again. Stupid! She must have some other reason for wanting me to go guy, otherwise she wouldn't suggest it all the time! He glared at his reflection. Now think sensibly, you moron! He tried again. "Mathilde, tonight I'm going to work in my male form. And I won't wear a costume," he added.

Mathilde smiled. "That's quite all right. I have some other people here who'll be wearing costumes tonight." With that cue, four clowns, four showgirls and several guys in gorilla suits danced into the restaurant. Then the gorilla grabbed their instruments and started to play while the clowns and showgirls danced the tango.

Ryoga blinked slowly. "O-kay now. That was just insane." He stood up. "I'd better go before I start really cracking up."

"Ryoga-chan?"

Ryoga yeeped and spun around. "Keiko-chan! You scared me!" he exclaimed, trying to coax his heart out of his throat and back into his chest.

Keiko nodded slowly. "Sorry. You don't have to work tomorrow, do you? You said you'd help me train a little"

Ryoga reached over and picked her up. "I might have to work in the morning. But in the afternoon we'll do some training together, OK?"

She nodded, painting a bright smile on her face. "Uh huh. You and me." And none of those dumb girlfriends, she added in her mind.

Ryoga nodded and kissed the top of her head. "You be a good girl then and I'll be home later," he instructed, putting her back down on the floor and hopping through the mirror.

Stepping out of the other side of the mirror, he glanced around nervously. "You're early," a voice spoke behind him.

"Yeek!" For the second time that evening, Ryoga had to stop his heart from jumping out of his throat.

Mathilde let her gaze saunter along him. "You're not in girl form," she stated simply.

Ryoga nodded. "That's right. I… I uh… I-I…" he babbled, beginning to panic. None of his daydreams had involved her popping up behind him like a jack-in-the-box! He twiddled his fingers. "I-I'd l-l-like to w-work in gu-guy form tonight," he finally blurted.

Mathilde blinked in surprise. Then her features quickly smoothed back into a blank mask as she jumped for joy inwardly. "Would you like a drink?" she asked neutrally.

Ryoga was instantly on guard. "Of what?" he asked suspiciously.

"Iced tea?" Mathilde suggested, holding up a bottle of grape Snapple. Her grin widened slightly as he nodded and she poured the Snapple into a glass, then discreetly added some frozen vodka. (Note - I say frozen, but because of the high alcohol content in vodka, it won't freeze, no matter how long you keep it in the freezer. Hard luck to those trying to make vodka ice cubes! Plus, it doesn't have any taste at all at that temperature.) No taste. He won't know what hit him," she thought gleefully, sliding the glass over to him. "Drink up!"

One frame/ two hours later…

"…I gotta say, you got real persistence," Mathilde flattered, pouring yet another vodka-spiked Snapple out. "I really thought you'd fold by day two."

"Why'd I do tha'?" he slurred, reaching for his drink again. "Need tha' money. 'N Ukyo's got Tenshi ta work fer her now," he added with a small note of anger in his voice.

"Vraiment! She has!" Mathilde asked, pretending to sound shocked, although she knew fully well it was true.

Ryoga nodded glumly and downed the rest of his drink. "Uh-huh. I always thought mebbe she'd come reshcue me… I mean, I neber left 'er on 'er own when we wus trapped in th' land 'o lost spipishs…" he grumbled.

"She doesn't deserve a loyal guy like you," Mathilde said soothingly. "Another drink?"

"Thash goooooood Snapple," Ryoga giggled. He blinked. "Shudent we open the place yet?" he asked thoughtfully, trying to stand up.

Mistake, he realised as soon as he stepped forward. His head felt as though it was stuffed full of cotton wool and his legs felt as though he was wearing concrete shoes. As a result, he fell over sideways, knocking down several bar stools at the same time and landing square on his backside. He blinked up at Mathilde with wide, startled eyes and a pretty sizeable sweatdrop. Mathilde giggled and jumped over the counter to help him up. Kneeling down next to him, the giggles faded, but the smile didn't. "You're cute when you're drunk," she said softly, realising she was telling the truth as the words left her lips.

"Drunk!" Ryoga repeated in surprise, using his elbows to prop himself up. "Bu' I'm no-"

Mathilde jumped onto his lap, grabbed the collar of his shirt and pulled him fully into a sitting position, then, not allowing him any more time to finish the sentence, she leaned forward and pressed her lips firmly against his. After a few moments, she pulled back and grinned cheerfully at him. "Cute," she repeated, stroking his cheek and running her thumb along his lower lip before diving back in for seconds.

With a small squeak of shock, Ryoga pulled backwards, whacking his head against the floor. Finally, his senses began to filter back into his head and instantly went into full red alert. Undeterred, Mathilde grabbed the front of his shirt and pulled him back up again. Beginning to panic slightly, he grabbed hold of her shoulder and shoved her away from him as hard as he could.

Mathilde fell over backwards and jumped to her feet in surprise, which quickly turned into annoyance. "What did you do that for!"

Ryoga has also jumped to his feet and was currently trying to rub some of her vampire-red lipstick off his face. "You spend a week dressing me up and threatening to have my sister put into care, then you expect me to kiss and make up!" he yelled furiously.

Mathilde blinked in confusion. Actually, that had been exactly what she'd expecting. She quickly tried to smooth the situation over. "Cherie, you really thought I'd try and put your sister in a home?" she asked gently. "I would never do that." She stepped forward, trying to dampen down her irritation when he scooted to one side. "My dear Ryoga. Je suis desole… I didn't realise you were so hurt by that," she said soothingly.

"L-leave m-me alone," Ryoga stuttered, backing away. "I d-don't… I d-don't w-want…"

"You don't want ME?" Mathilde asked, her eyes narrowing. "Is that what you were going to say? And who DO you want?" She continued, not letting him answer. "Ukyo? Is that it? Well I've got news for you! Ukyo doesn't want you! She hasn't even challenged me again to try and get you back. She's replaced you as easily as a dead battery," she hissed, advancing on him. Her voice softened. "I want you. I'd never make you a prize in a fight I couldn't win. Ma petite, je t'aime."

"Mais je tu deteste!" Ryoga spat back, scooting around another table.

"You can't really mean that," she said with a smile, still advancing on him.

"Oh yes I do. And your okonomiyaki sucks, MATILDA!"

Mathilde blinked, then her face contorted with anger. "Why you… get back here!" she yelled, vaulting over a table, a small dagger at the ready.

Ryoga yelped and jumped aside, but the alcohol had slowed down his reflexes. The dagger whistled through the back of his shirt. He twisted around and swung his arm back so it crashed into her wrist. The dagger sailed across the room and embedded in the wall. She's crazy! he thought with panic as she scowled and reached for another dagger. In moments the air was full of flying metal and he wasn't quite fast enough to avoid all of them. One flew through the sleeve of his left arm, pinning it to the wall, and two hissed through the material on the right, one above the elbow and the other at the wrist. Another dagger landed in the wall with a solid thunk just next to his ear, scything a long cut along his cheek as it did so and the last one hit him in the left leg. He let out a cry of pain and sagged against the wall.

Mathilde stepped forward and pulled the dagger out of his leg and waved it under his nose. "I'm sorry I did that. But I had to. You defied me and I couldn't let you get away with it, do you understand?"

A small part of his mind that wasn't fluffed up with alcohol or pain rebelled. No, he didn't understand. He didn't understand at all. Mathilde reached up and ruffled his hair. "If you just behave yourself, I won't hurt you again. Do you understand?"

Bitch, Ryoga though venomously. He nodded silently, giving an experimental tug at the daggers pinning him to the wall as he did so. They gave way slightly and he gave a small grin. Now all I need is to distract her…

The lilac haired young woman leaned forward to kiss him again, when a there was a loud explosion behind her. With a loud scream, she spun around and gazed in shock at the source of the noise. One of the bottles behind the bar had exploded, showering a radius of six feet with glass and whiskey. As she watched, a bottle of Tia Maria exploded as well. With a shriek of dismay as seeing her merchandise meeting such an untimely end, she ran forward, only to be driven backwards as the Baileys and Malibu exploded too. (Oh, what a tragedy!)

Seeing his chance, Ryoga pulled as hard as he could at the blades holding him to the wall and with a loud tearing noise, he fell forward, stumbling slightly as he tried to regain his balance, with semi-success. Seeing Mathilde begin to turn back towards him, he blew up a few more bottles for good measure. Just one more, he told himself, edging towards the mirrored wall.

Mathilde tried not to cry as a bottle of very expensive Beaujolais met its fate and Ryoga allowed a small self-satisfactory grin to appear, when the overwhelming sleepiness hit him with all the force of a small nuke. Dammit! Of all the times to… he thought in frustration, before sleep claimed him and he crashed to the ground.

The bottles stopped exploding. Mathilde blinked, then slowly turned around. "Why you… salaud!" she exclaimed, stamping her foot on the ground and barely resisting the urge to tear him into shreds. "Dirty bastard! Sale salaud!" she spat, trying to think of some way of seeing the situation in some way other than a total cock up.

Finally she thought of something. "Maman always said I should let sleeping dogs lie," she mused, carefully kneeling down next to him and running her fingers through his hair. "And just because nothing really DID happen doesn't mean I should let everybody else think that too," she continued. Pity really as he was terribly cute… with a small sigh of resignation, she looped one arm around his neck and another under his knees and picked him up. "Mon Dieu! You weigh a ton!" she groaned, staggering slightly. "Let's get you to bed-"

At that moment, the glass panel of the front door also exploded and a small spatula clipped past Mathilde's ear. With a loud yell, she dropped Ryoga like a hot potato, who woke slightly upon impact with the floor, and whirled around. The spatula was embedded in the wall, with a small note fluttering from it. Of course, Mathilde chose to step forward and read the note instead of chasing after the window breaker and tying their legs around their ears. After a few seconds, she screwed up the note and tossed it to the floor, resisting the urge to throw a tantrum. Merde! Why is nothing going right! she swore inwardly. It wasn't fair! She hadn't failed at anything since that humiliating day when she'd lost Ukyo. A nasty aura surrounding her, she turned back to Ryoga.

But in the space of those few seconds she'd been reading the note, he'd gone.

End Part II

PART III

Happy Families.

"Ryoga-chan!"

Ryoga whimpered and pulled the covers over his head. Headache. Noise. Noise bad.

Undeterred, Keiko pulled the covers back, ready to issue a cheerful wake-up call. Instead, her eyes widened. "What happened to you?" she wailed in an almost hysterical tone.

Ryoga gave up and opened his eyes. Light zoomed through his skull and bounced off the inside of his head. "Owww…" he grumbled, sitting up slowly. "What is it?"

"Why are you bleeding?" Keiko asked, her lower lip trembling. "Who hurt you?"

Ryoga stood up and looked in the mirror, his head protesting vainly as he did so. He vaguely remembered falling out of the mirror and crawling into bed the night before and his trousers and face were still covered with blood. "Don't worry, Keiko-chan," he reassured her. "I slipped and landed on broken glass," he lied. He frowned, wondering why he didn't feel sleepy, then his gaze fell upon the moonrock bracelet on the bedside table. "Keiko, where did you get the bracelet?"

"I borrowed it from Skuld," she replied innocently.

Almost immediately, a voice echoed down the hallway. "Hey! Who took my bracelet!"

"I didn't want to wake her up though," Keiko added as an afterthought. "DO you have to work today?"

Ryoga shuddered, remembering the events of the night before. "Nope. Not today." And hopefully never again!

Keiko beamed. "So you'll train me?"

Urd poked her head around the doorway. "'Scuse me. Geez Ryoga, you look a mess!"

"Good morning to you too, Urd," he replied with a slight hint of sarcasm.

Urd ignored it. "Sorry to interrupt, but there's a note on the door. You've gotta be at the vacant lot where everybody has their duels at ten sharp."

"Why?"

"Why do you think? To witness the rematch of Ukyo and Mathilde to decide once and for all which one gets dibs on you. And have either of you seen Skuld's bracelet? She's doing her nut in looking for it," she added.

Mathilde stomped towards the vacant lot, furious and ready to use that fury to hack Ukyo's head from her shoulders as soon as the opportunity arose. You are soooo dead, Ukyo Kuonji. Dead as a doorknob. she thought grimly, marching into the lot. She did a pretty comical double take as she did so, amazed at the sheer number of people there. "Whu-?"

You're not the only one who can play with posters, Ukyo thought with a grin, before stepping forward. "Mathilde. I assume you've read the terms on which we'll be fighting?" she asked.

Mathilde nodded. "We fight to knockout with the weapon of my choice. Winner gets Ryoga for keeps." Ukyo nodded. "I choose to use swords."

"Oh goodie," Ukyo said cheerfully and picked up her spatula.

Mathilde blinked. "What's that for?" she asked warily.

"You use sword. I'll be using a spatula. Ready!" Without waiting for a reply, she attacked.

Mathilde hastily brought her sword up in defence. "You- you- that's cheating!"

"Is it cheating?" Ryoga asked from the sidelines.

Nabiki flicked through a sheaf of papers. "Nope. Just very carefully worded."

Ranma laughed. "That's sneaky. So Ucchan has a pretty good shot of winning this time."

"I hope she wins," Keiko said from around a mouthful of ice cream.

"You don't like Ukyo," Ryoga pointed out.

Keiko nodded. "And I don't like the French lady even more," she said cheerfully.

In the ring, Mathilde was recovering from her shock and began to retaliate with a fast flurry of blows. Ukyo managed to block most of them, but a few got past her defences, tearing at her clothing. She yelped and jumped back a little.

Mathilde smiled, feeling a surge of confidence run through her. "You really are a little cockroach, aren't you? Face it, Kuonji. You lost. He likes me now."

"Liar!" Ukyo spat, throwing several small spatulas at the other girl, who backed up at bit. "After you blackmailed him all week long!"

"You think I blackmailed him to do this!" Mathilde shot back, tossing something at her.

Ukyo grabbed it out of the air. It was a photograph. Showing… well, no prizes for guessing what. Ryoga felt his face begin to burn as he realised he'd forgotten Mathilde had CCTV in the restaurant for added security around the bar. Slowly, she crumpled it up, then hopped over the edge of the ring towards him. He backed away. "Ukyo, I can explain!"

CLANG

"Well, you'd better start explaining, pronto," Ukyo hissed furiously, lifting the spatula off his head. "Or I walk out of here and let you prance around in a bunny suit for the rest of eternity."

Ryoga turned an even deeper shade of red. "Umm…"

Much to everyone's amazement, Keiko decided to speak up. "She did too blackmail him! You think he cut up his own face himself?"

All eyes turned to her. Keiko glared at the object of her hatred. "She got him drunk and tried it on with him then got mad and cut him up when he tried to get away!"

"Uh… Keiko-chan… how… I mean…" Ryoga began quietly.

Keiko wrinkled her nose. "You STINKED of vodka. And you talk in your sleep."

Mathilde scowled and hopped over the edge of the ring as well, then slipped her arm around his waist. "Ma cherie, why deny the truth?" she purred. "Tell 'em otherwise and that brat sister of yours goes bye byes," she hissed in his ear.

"Uh…" Ryoga began, completely torn. If he agreed, Keiko would be safe, but Ukyo would brain him with her spatula and he'd be stuck working for Mathilde again. But if he disagreed, Mathilde would make good on her threat to throw Keiko in a home. But Nabiki…

Keiko exploded. "Will you just get your hands off my brother, you dirty old slut!" she yelled, punching Mathilde in the ribs.

"KEIKO!" Ryoga yelled in shocked amusement. "BAD girl!"

"Petite gosse!" Mathilde hissed, lobbing a punch in her direction.

CLANGCLANGCLANGCLANG

"Don't you touch her!" Ukyo yelled, raining blow after blow upon her head.

"Hey, I hate you too," Keiko reminded her.

"I just saved your brother from a life of bunny suits and grass skirts," Ukyo complained, slightly put out.

"No you didn't!" Mathilde replied, popping up behind her.

CLANGCLANGCLANG

"Ow!"

"ARGH! Stay DOWN!"

"Now Keiko-chan," Ryoga began.

"Yes, Ryoga-chan?" Keiko replied with absolute innocence.

"About what you said then," he said in a meaningful tone.

Keiko grimaced. "About the French girl getting you drunk?" she asked, knowing fully well that wasn't it.

Ryoga shook his head. "About what you called Mathilde. Sweetie, I know you don't like her and I know you were sticking up for me, but you are not to use that kind of language again, do you understand?"

"I understand," Keiko said in a small voice.

"Even if they do deserve it," he added. Keiko giggled. Ryoga switched back to stern big brother mode again. "If she'd used a knife and not just her fists to attack you, you could've been really hurt," he said gently. "I don't want you to put yourself in danger for me."

She nibbled her lower lip, then nodded reluctantly. "OK."

"Good. Now before we do any training, do you think we should have some ice-cream first? A chocolate one? Before I starve?" Ryoga suggested.

"…OK, steady now… and go!"

Keiko bent her arms, then pushed away from the ground. Sky and grass floated through her vision for a brief second before she landed on her backside on the grass with a loud "oof!"

Ryoga laughed. "You need to push harder, Keiko-chan. You're not getting far enough away from the ground, that's why you keep falling over."

"But if I push harder, it'll hurt more when I fall," Keiko argued.

"If it looks like you're going to fall, I'll catch you," he promised.

Keiko nodded uncertainly, then flipped over so that she was standing on her hands. With a small grunt of effort, she bent her arms and pushed. Hard.

"Yeeeeeeek!"

"Maybe that was a bit too hard," Ryoga mused, grabbing her out of the air as she completed her 10 foot journey up then down.

"She gets a lot of height though," a voice behind them confirmed.

The two siblings screamed in unison, then spun around. With a small laugh, Ukyo waved at them and hopped off the garden wall. "Well, I've got-"

"Hey, could you please give me a hand back here!" a loud voice complained. "Not all of us are martial artists in Nerima!"

"'Scuse me for a second," Ukyo apologised, hopping back over the wall. A split second later, she reappeared with Nabiki Tendo in her arms.

"Why Ukyo, I never knew you cared!" Nabiki joked.

"Oh shut up and get off me, you idiot!"

Ryoga glanced at Keiko then plunked her back on the ground. "You keep practising," he instructed. Keiko ignored the instruction and tagged along behind him. "What's going in?" he asked the other two teens.

"Well, we've got good news and bad news," Ukyo informed him.

"Ah." Ryoga paused. "What's the good news?"

She grinned. "The good news is, you don't have to work for Mathilde-"

"WHAT! REALLY!" A happy-happy-joy-joy feeling swept through him and Ukyo felt herself being spun through the air at high speed. "Yippeeeeeee!"

"I'm going to be sick!" Ukyo wailed.

Keiko blinked. "I guess he REALLY didn't like the other girl," she said, stating the completely obvious.

Nabiki nodded in agreement, then stepped forward, clearing her throat. "Uh… there's still bad news, y'know."

"What is it?" Ryoga asked, finally stopping long enough for Ukyo break free. She took two steps forward, then fell over. "It can't be that bad, can it?"

Nabiki didn't answer at first. "Maybe we should talk inside."

"WHAT!"

Nabiki nodded. "She's really hates that kid now. After Ukyo finally managed to whack her out-"

"Half an hour later," Ukyo muttered.

"-She woke up and vowed she'd get BOTH of you for this," Nabiki finished. "So it looks like you're all on Mathilde's shit list, if you'll pardon my language."

A look of despair covered Ryoga's face. "So what are you going to DO about it! He wailed.

"Who said I was going to do anything?" Nabiki asked innocently.

"Na-BI-ki!"

"All right, all right. I'm only teasing," Nabiki said with a grin. The grin was instantly replaced by a serious expression. "The way I see it, there's-"

That instant, Urd flung the door open and smacked a kettle over Ryoga's head. "Couldn't have left the TV on, could you! I had to WALK back!" she wailed.

Skuld jumped out of the spout. "Walking's good for you. Get rid of a few inches around ouch!"

Urd placed the poor abused kettle back on the counter and sat down on the edge of the table. "So what's the party for?"

Nabiki directed her look of surprise from Urd to Ryoga. "I thought you said there wasn't anyone here who could act as a parent or guardian!" she said in an accusing tone, hitting him over the back of the head.

Ryoga peeled his face off the table and rubbed his head. "There isn't."

"But-" Nabiki began.

Ukyo stopped her. "You're not going to find Urd OR Skuld on any records, anywhere. They're goddesses."

"Ah." Nabiki nodded slowly. "All righty then."

"Anybody like to tell me what's going on?" Urd asked with interest.

"Nope."

"Fine," Urd complained with a pout. "I'm going to go watch TV. Skuld?"

"What?"

"You promised you fix it so I could get 24 hour soaps," Urd reminded. With a small groan, the younger goddess followed her out of the room.

"Besides," Ryoga pointed out. "Urd wouldn't make a very appropriate adult."

"I heard that!"

Everyone ignored her. "In that case, the only thing I can think of is to ask Kasumi if she would be willing to pose as her mother for a few days," Nabiki decided aloud. "I'd doctor some records to change her to Keiko Tendo, but she'd have to stay with us for a few days…"

"NONONONONONOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Ukyo tried with zero success to detach Keiko Hibiki from her brother's leg. "Look, it's just for a few days!"

"I DON'T WANNA GOOOOOOOOO!" Keiko howled louder.

"Keiko-chan, I'll come and see you every day," Ryoga pleaded, wondering if maybe he'd have to have her amputated.

"I'M NOT GOING WITHOUT YOOOOOOOOOOOOOU!" With that, she managed to get one of her legs free from Ukyo's death grip and kicked her in the chest. Ukyo fell over backwards. So did Ryoga. Keiko immediately shifted her grip from his leg to his chest. "Please Ryoga, don't make me go I don't wanna go and stay with a bunch of strangers I wanna stay with you I don't wanna go!" she sobbed.

Nabiki shook her head. "Maybe you should come too?" she suggested sweetly.

"You couldn't have suggested that two minutes ago, could you," Ukyo grumbled, sitting up and rubbing her ribs. "That smarts!"

"Are you OK?" Ryoga asked, trying to dislodge Keiko's death grip around his neck.

Nabiki laughed. "I'm sure she's been hit by worse." She shot a glance at the two of them. Now, let's see if I can make this even more fun! "Hey, Ukyo. How would you like to be a part of this?" she asked innocently.

"What sort of part?" she asked suspiciously.

Nabiki grinned widely. "Well, The authorities will be looking for two siblings. How about you becoming a third sibling? That'll throw them off the track."

"You're kidding, right?" Ukyo asked in disbelief.

"Would I kid about something like this? You'll be Ukyo, Ryoga and Keiko Tendo, Nieces and nephew of Kasumi, Akane and Myself, orphaned children of a sister I'll make up. You'll all stay with us for a few days…"

"…Until they decide Mathilde's pulling their legs about them not having a legal guardian."

Akane nodded. "I'll do whatever I can to help," she said with determination.

Kasumi looked worried. "But it's not really RIGHT, is it? Surely if this little girl hasn't got anyone around to look after her, she'd be better off in a home?"

Nabiki shook her head. "She has got people to look after her. She spends most of day at school, firstly, and when Ryoga has to work, the goddesses keep an eye on her. Besides, she's Ryoga's sister! What could possibly happen to her!"

"But-" Kasumi began.

Nabiki sighed and turned her head towards the door. "Keiko, could you come here for a second!" she yelled.

Nothing happened.

"I'll be right back," Nabiki explained, and darted out of the door, reappearing moments later with Keiko in tow. Having anticipated that Kasumi would not be comfortable with the idea, she'd told Keiko to 'act cute.'

She plunked the little girl, dressed in pink denim dungarees, with her hair tied back neatly with a matching pink bow, in front of Kasumi. Keiko blinked, then smiled, the picture of innocence, and bowed her head. "Hi, Auntie Kasumi and Auntie Akane!"

"Awww… isn't she sweet?" Kasumi exclaimed.

"Now sis, tell me honestly. Now you've met her, could you really deny this little girl the right to stay with her big brother?" Nabiki said dramatically. "Besides, if you could, Ryoga would probably blow up our house with the green glowy thing!"

Kasumi basically ignored her, instead amusing herself by tweaking the bow slightly and cooing at the flowers embroidered on her dungarees. "What was that you said, Nabiki?"

Nabiki winked at Akane. "Got her!"

End Part III

PART IV

That's The Way The Cookie Crumbles.

"So you are all the children of Hitomi Tendo, aged 34, who died a year and a half ago-"

"Why so long?" Ryoga asked.

Nabiki shot him a look usually reserved for the terminally insane. "Because if it was any sooner, you'd still be grieving, stupid. Now will you shut up!"

"Sorry."

"As I was saying," Nabiki continued, "It was June the twenty third. You came to live with us in July and you've been staying with us since." She narrowed her eyes. "Now, if you want to get away with is, you two-" she said, pointing first and Ryoga and then Ukyo, "are going to have to be a bit more normal."

The two in question swapped a confused glance. "What do you mean?" Ukyo asked finally.

"I mean THESE," Nabiki stated, pointing at her spatula and his bandanna. "They are character traits which you will have to get rid of before someone realises that Ukyo Tendo carries round a whole load of spatulas that she'd only really need if she was Ukyo Kuonji, owner of one of the most popular and spoken about restaurants in Nerima, and her brother Ryoga Tendo wears bandannas and carries and umbrella awfully like those that were used by Ryoga Hibiki to destroy half the town. In fact, a complete make-over for the two of you wouldn't be a bad idea," she mused.

"WHAT!"

Nabiki chuckled. "Don't worry, Ryoga. I just meant some different clothes. Not that there's anything wrong with what you both wear, but you might as well hold a sign saying 'My Name Is Ryoga Hibiki.' You'll be fine tonight, but I suggest you both go on a rapid shopping expedition tomorrow. And that mean's strictly girl clothes for you, Ukyo!"

Ukyo sighed. "OK. This whole thing is insane, but I'll do it."

Keiko poked her head around the door. "Ryoga-chan, what's for tea?"

Ryoga blinked. "I think it was chicken drummers…"

"No, we ate those on Wednesday."

"Then what did we bring with us?"

Keiko thought for a second. "Fish fingers."

"Then fish fingers it is," Ryoga pointed out. "Kasumi won't mind if I use the oven will she?" he asked Nabiki.

"No. But why don't you have tea with the rest of us?"

"We weren't sure if you'd already eaten," he pointed out. "So I brought some fish fingers, chips and… uh…"

"Pizza," Keiko finished.

Ukyo blanched. "You've been feeding her convenience food?" she asked.

"…Yes?" Ryoga replied blankly.

Ukyo looked horrified. "Can't you cook at all!"

"…Of course I can cook!" Ryoga exclaimed.

"I mean, really cook. Popping a frozen pizza in the oven doesn't count!"

"I said, I can cook," Ryoga insisted. "I'll prove it!"

"Go on then," Ukyo replied, calling his bluff.

"Fine! I will!" Ryoga jumped to his feet. "Where's the kitchen?"

"That way," Nabiki told him, pointing down the corridor. Ryoga raced off.

"Uh… Nabiki? The kitchen's the other way," Ukyo pointed out.

"I know. But any instructions I give him will be utterly wrong, won't they?"

"Go on, let me help you," Urd wheedled, floating around the kitchen behind Ryoga.

"I said no," Ryoga repeated. "I'm baking cookies and I don't want you to spoil them."

"I wouldn't spoil your cooking!" Urd protested, sounding shocked.

Ryoga whipped round and pointed a wooden spoon at her. "I beg to differ. Remember that chocolate cake you 'helped' Keiko make?"

"Uh…"

"Which turned me into a girl and tried to cop a feel?"

"Um…"

"Which then tried to summon up the devil through the fridge?"

"Ah…"

"And took four hours to kill long enough to get the ward on it?"

"Er…"

Ryoga shook his head. "I think I can manage on my own. I want to prove to Ukyo that I can cook, not that my cooking is capable of taking over a small country."

Urd sighed. "Oh all right then," she said with mock grumpiness. "So Ukyo gets first cookie?" she checked.

"Mm-hmm," he confirmed, hunting for the sugar.

Urd waited until he had his head in another cupboard before tipping a small bag of white powder into the bowl. Heh heh heh… this should make Ukyo a bit more tolerant of you!

Ryoga reappeared with a bag of flour. "Now go away! I don't want you to touch anything!"

Urd scowled. "If I wasn't being constantly made aware that my cooking sucks, I'd almost be hurt. Well, see ya!"

End Part IV

PART V

Ryoga, We Love You!

"Ha!" Ryoga slammed a plate of cookies down in the middle of table, almost breaking it. "Well?"

Ukyo looked at the cookies. True, they looked pretty good… She glanced up at him again and giggled.

"What?" he asked, slightly annoyed.

"You have flour on your nose." And butter in his hair and sugar on his shirt and more flour on his sleeve as well.

Abashed, he wiped at his nose with an even more floury hand. "That better?" Judging by the cackle and the way she fell off her chair backwards, probably not. "Fine," he said grumpily. "I'll let someone else eat them."

"Did I hear food being mentioned?" Ranma-chan said eagerly, charging in from her usual round trip to the pond. "Ooh! Cookies!"

"Want one?" Ryoga offered.

Urd shot into the room. Uh-oh! "Don't you want one first?" she asked Ukyo, snatching the plate away.

"Ukyo doesn't want a cookie. Let the human garbage disposal eat them," Ryoga grouched, snatching them back.

"NOT a good idea. Besides, didn't you say you wanted her to eat them first?" Urd persisted, grabbing hold of the other side of the plate.

Ryoga glared at her. "You didn't happen to DO anything to my cookies, did you?" he whispered.

Ranma-chan watched the exchange and shrugged. "Jeez, it's just cookies," she grumbled, grabbing one off the plate. "Who cares who eats it first?" Before Urd could stop her, she'd taken a large bite out of one. "Hey, good!" she exclaimed.

Urd gulped audibly, let go of the plate and ran. Ryoga blinked after. "Urd?"

And thus, another of Urd's true love plans had bit the dust. A powder specifically designed to be added to food, it made the eater fall madly in love with the cook. She'd tried using it several times on Belldandy and Keiichi but lately, Belldandy had taken to chasing Urd out of the kitchen with one of Skuld's inventions.

And now it was playing havoc with Ranma-chan's hormones. Blinking her eyes, she slowly turned her head and looked Ryoga down, up and down again. Those eyes, those fangs, those abs and muscles! What have I been missing all these years! Hubba hubba! Come to mamma, baby! her mind howled madly, clawing through her mind and picking ev-ery singly image of the many times she'd seen him naked…

"Uh… Ranma? Are you OK?" Ryoga asked nervously, stepping backwards and putting the plate of cookies down on the table.

Is he concerned about me? she wondered. "Ryoga… I never knew you cared…" she breathed happily. A stupid, sappy grin appeared on her face and she flung her arms around his neck. Before he could hit her/ scream/ hit her some more/ vaporise her/ blow up the house, she'd pressed her lips against his.

Ryoga froze.

Ukyo gawped, not even noticing as she ripped the tablecloth in two.

As no one tried to stop her, Ranma-chan took the opportunity to cop a feel. Not bad. Verrrrrrrry nice. Running one hand through his hair, she grabbed hold of his rear with the other.

Ukyo finally regained her senses and quickly realised that when Ryoga regained his, Ranma-chan would have the life expectancy usually associated with fruit flies. Short and none too sweet. She deftly unsheathed her spatula and swung back. "Sorry Ranma, but this is for your own good," she apologised, swatting the girl through the ceiling. Then she quickly turned her attention back to Ryoga, who was still frozen in exactly the same position, his expression a mixture of shock, terror and horror. "Uh… Ryoga? Sugar? You OK in there?" she asked nervously.

No movement whatsoever.

Ukyo was just beginning to wonder if braining him with her spatula would be wise or not, when he began to glow. She groaned. "Oh no. Not the glowy thing. PLEASE not the glowy thing again! Ryoga-hon, come on, snap OUT of it!" She swung her hand back and slapped him across the face as hard as she could.

Ryoga staggered backwards slightly and blinked at her, as if seeing her for the first time. "U-Ucchan!"

"I know you're upset, but pleeeeeeeease don't blow up the Dojo, OK?" Ukyo babbled madly.

Ryoga blinked a few more times, then looked at her with dismay. "I-I…" he began, then burst into tears, turned and fled.

"Ryoga!" she called, running after him.

Leaving the cookies unattended.

She stomped her foot in exasperation as she looked from left to right, seeing nothing. Dammit! He sure can be fast when he wants to be! she grumbled inwardly. Then she jumped backwards to the safety of the doorway as he ran past, waving a nasty looking sword aloft. "Ryoga!"

Ryoga ignored her, his mind focused on three vital things. 1. Ranma had kissed him. Kissed him and groped him and other things he didn't want to think about. 2. Ukyo had seen it. 3. Ranma had to die. Die as soon as possible, then he could cheerfully set about killing himself.

Ranma-chan made it easy, hopping over the back wall of the garden. "Darling!" she cried amorously, running towards him with open arms.

"PREPARE TO DIE!" he yelled, striking at her with the sword.

Ranma-chan jumped backwards, having come extremely close to being minus a vital appendage. "Darling, what's the matter?" she asked in confusion.

"Don't CALL me that! Stay still so I can kill you!"

Ranma-chan ducked under his arm and popped up inches from his nose. "Is something wrong?"

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! GET AWAY FROM ME!" Ryoga screamed in terror, jumping backwards.

SPLASH

Don't these love spells only work on members of the opposite sex? Ryoga-chan wondered from underwater. Part of her wanted to get out of the water to see if it was true in this case. If it was, then Ranma-chan would probably be more than happy to stand still and let her kill her.

On the other hand, she wanted to stay exactly where she was until she drowned.

Unfortunately, she was denied this highly attractive future when an arm reached into the water and pulled her out forcefully by the collar. She spat out pond water and blinked. Ranma-chan was gazing at her with an expression of deep concern. "Ryoga-honeybunch? Are you OK!" she wailed.

Ryoga-chan shrieked and stepped on a koi, falling over backwards again. Before she could hit the water again, Ranma-chan had hold of her by the collar again and yanked her forward. "Well, isn't this cosy," she purred, gazing into Ryoga-chan's terrified green eyes with red-hot passion.

Get away from me! she screamed inwardly, by this time glowing brightly enough to light up the entire backyard and most of the household, who'd ran outside to see what was going on. Ryoga-chan didn't see any of them. Instead, she pushed her arms out towards Ranma-chan. "SHISHI HOKODAN!"

A highly bruised Ranma, gender restored, sat between Ukyo and Akane, staring into a cup of tea. "So what happened?" Akane asked finally.

Ukyo groaned and repeated the story. "I bet Ryoga he couldn't cook. He bet he could, so he made some cookies. But that meddling idiot Urd put something in the batter and now Ranma's in love with Ryoga."

Akane fell over backwards. "WHAT!"

"You heard."

Ranma put down his tea. "It's not some artificially manufactured love," he protested and placed a hand over his heart. "My love for Ryoga runs deep, engraved in my heart and s-urk!" he finished as Ukyo backhanded him into the wall.

"Shut up," Ukyo said crossly. She turned her attention back to Akane, who picked up her own tea and took a sip. "Anyway, Ranma… uh… he…" She trailed off.

"Had the greatest kiss of my entire life," Ranma said blissfully from his position in the wall.

Akane choked and spewed tea across the room. "He WHAT!" She turned and looked at Ranma. "You KISSED him!"

Ranma sighed happily. "It was wonderful."

"Then Ryoga fried him," Ukyo finished.

"It may have come as a shock," Ranma said, the mushy, sappy look crossing his face. "But he'll soon get used to the fact that I love h-urk!" he repeated again as one of Akane's mallets flew across the room.

"Ranma no hentai," Akane muttered under her breath, although most of her being thought the whole situation bordered on hilarious. A sudden thought occurred to her. "Where are the cookies now?"

Ukyo stared at her for a looooooooooong moment. Then there was a loud scream from above them. With a yelp of shock, Akane dropped her teacup on the floor, where it shattered. Ranma peeled himself out of the wall. "That was Ryoga!" he cried. He struck a dramatic pose. "I'll save y-urk!"

Ukyo found her hair blown back in the slipstream of the Ryoga-chan shaped blur as she trampled Ranma down and ran out of the back wall, leaving a gaping hole in her wake. She blinked slowly. "What the…"

The sound of clamouring voices reached her ears and she cocked her head to one side to try and hear them better. Her eyes widened and turned her head to look at Akane. Judging from the look on her face, she recognised what they were saying too. "…"

That was the moment when four vaguely blurred figures ran through the room, trampled over Ranma again and ran out of the hole in the wall. Let's see now… Ukyo thought, trying to define the blurs. That looks like Nabiki… and Kasumi… yikes! And Mr Saotome too! And is that Mousse!

That was indeed who they were, and they were all screaming some variation of 'I love you!'

Two seconds later, Ryoga-chan carefully peeked around the edge of the shattered wall and heaved a sigh of relief before stepping inside. "That was TOO close!" she groaned, quickly checking behind her to make sure no-one had seen her go back inside.

"Darling!" Ranma yelled happily, leaping through the air towards her.

"YARGH!" Ryoga-chan screamed, and in one swift movement brought the largest mallet she possessed out of thin air and down upon his skull. Shaking, she stepped backwards, only to have someone tap her shoulder. "Hyyyiiiiiiiii!"

"Calm down, it's only me," Ukyo said quickly, jumping backwards before she could meet the same fate as Ranma, who was twitching slightly in pain.

"Where are the cookies!" Ryoga-chan asked urgently.

"Probably still in the other room," Ukyo said thoughtfully. "Akane, cou-"

"RYOGA, MY LOVE!" Genma cried, charging through the wall, arms outstretched.

"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

CLANG

Genma fell twitching to the floor as well. Ukyo leaned on her spatula. "As I was saying, Akane, could you get rid of the cookies while I fend off the admirers and call Urd."

"Will do," Akane agreed, running out of the room.

Ukyo looked up. "Ryoga, it's safe to let go of the light now."

"…If you see Urd, can you just tell her to get back here and fix things?" Ukyo asked.

At the other end of the telephone, Skuld groaned. "What's she done this time?" she asked in a long suffering tone.

Another yell from Ryoga-chan caught Ukyo's attention. "Hang on," she ordered, before turning around and prising Nabiki off the younger girl and swatting her through the roof. She turned back to the telephone. "Only made practically everyone in the house fall madly in love with Ryoga," she said sarcastically.

"I did not!"

Ukyo yeeped and dropped the telephone receiver. "Urd!"

Urd crossed her arms. "Maybe I made RANMA fall in love with him, but once you saw the effect, I would've thought you'd have the sense to get rid of the cookies!"

"We were busy trying to stop him MURDERING him!" Ukyo ranted, "while YOU disappeared into thin air!"

"Hello?" Skuld asked.

Slightly dazed, Ryoga-chan crawled out of her hiding place from under the table and hung up the phone. And was instantly glomped by Nabiki again. "Ryoga-chan! My darling-"

"HELP!" Ryoga-chan yelled, wriggling madly in Nabiki's death grip.

CLANG

Urd pouted. "I did not disappear into thin air! I went to get the cure." She looked down at the unconscious Tendo girl on the floor. "Unfortunately, they need to be awake for it to work."

Akane appeared around the corner. "The cookies are gone now. Now what?"

Urd grinned. "Don't worry. I know how to cure to your many admirers," she boasted.

"Oh come on!" Ryoga-chan wailed. "This can't be fair!"

"It's you they're after, so naturally, you'd make the perfect bait," Akane explained.

"But tying me up and hanging me from a tree!"

Mini-Urd shrugged. "I told you, they have to be conscious for the cure to work. But they're hardly going to be conscious if you keep beating them all up."

Ryoga-chan scowled. "I never laid a finger on Nabiki though - that was Ukyo."

Ukyo scowled back. "I wouldn't HAVE to do anything if you hadn't been dumb enough to let Urd in the kitchen while you were cooking!"

Ryoga-chan's eyes flashed with anger. "If my memory serves me correctly, YOU were the one who badgered me to show you I could cook! And I don't own Urd! I can't stop her fiddling with my cooking if she really wants to!" Her voice rose. "NONE of this is my FAULT!

Mini-Urd blushed. "He's right there, actually."

Ukyo sighed. "You're right. I'm sorry, Ryoga."

Ryoga-chan blinked and wriggled slightly so she could face Ukyo. "What?"

"I SAID I'm SORRY!"

Ryoga-chan frowned. "That's what I thought you said." And I still don't believe it!

"Hey, you-"

"Quit bickering," Akane said crossly, before Ukyo could retaliate. "Now shut up and hide!"

Ryoga-chan swayed slightly on the end of the rope, wondering what she'd ever done to deserve this.

Genma Saotome was the first to appear and being none too smart, didn't think anything of his beloved hanging from a tree. Instead, he rushed towards her with his arms wide open. "Darling!"

Ryoga-chan screamed hysterically and kicked him in the jaw.

Mini-Urd looked down at the unconscious man and sighed. "What did you do that for? I told you they have to be conscious!"

"Then cure them before they get close enough for me to kick!" Ryoga-chan snapped.

"I've only got little arms!" Mini-Urd protested. She smacked the girl over the head. "Now this time, stay calm!"

Ryoga-chan sighed glumly. "All right, all right…"

"Oh light of my life!" Genma proclaimed, recovering once again and leaping forward to embrace her.

Another scream, another kick and Genma was down once more. Akane groaned and slapped herself in the face. "Ryoga, if you keep doing that, this is going to take a reeeeeeeeeeeeal long time."

"Oh shut up!" Ryoga-chan wailed. "You're not the one hanging from a tree here with Ranma's father trying to kiss you!"

Ukyo frowned. "Why don't we tie Genma up and when he wakes up, give him the cure?"

"Or better yet, tie Ryoga's legs up too?" Akane suggested.

"What! Don't you DARE!" Ryoga-chan yelled.

"Then stop beating him UP!" the two girls yelled in unison.

At that moment, Genma woke up once more. "Sweetheart!"

"Waaaaaah!"

Seeing there this was going, Ukyo jumped forward and grabbed hold of her legs. Although she could quite easily swing the other girl around, Ryoga-chan stopped in mid-kick, her eyes wide with terror and Genma flung his arms around her neck, squeezing the air out of her lungs. Seeing her chance, Mini-Urd ran forward and popped a pill into Genma's mouth.

Genma froze. "ARGH!"

"And how do you think I felt!" Ryoga-chan snarled. "Let go of me, you great lummox!"

Genma fainted dead away. Akane dragged him behind the tree. "One down, four to go."

Ranma was the next to appear, approaching much the same way as his father had (what can I say. Stupidity must be a genetic disorder.) and meeting pretty much the same fate, although this time, Ukyo had the presence of mind to latch onto her legs the first time.

GLOMP

Gulp

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Ranma screamed hysterically, running around in circles. "I KISSED RYOGA! OH MY GAWD! Somebody kill me! Somebody PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE kill me!"

Akane sniggered, as did Ukyo. "You looked like you were enjoying yourself at the time," the latter said innocently.

Ranma looked as though he was about to cry. "How could you let me DO that! I have to gargle with the toilet duck!" he wailed, charging back into the house.

Akane and Ukyo collapsed with laughter. Ryoga-chan pouted. "Well, I'm glad somebody finds my suffering amusing," she grumbled. Akane and Ukyo just laughed harder and Ryoga-chan scowled some more. "Thanks for the sympathARGH!" she finished, as the rope holding her up snapped in two.

Before anyone could react, Nabiki ran past, snatching her out of mid air and cackling madly. "Mwahahahahahahahahaha! Ryoga is mine!"

DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM

A sight straight from a horror movie, the most terrifying thing any of them had seen since Nabiki had found naked pictures of Happosai, the terror of the underworld, the horror of hell, the demon of the night blah blah, you get my drift.

Demon head Kasumi.

Nabiki and Ryoga-chan fainted dead away. Kasumi picked up Ryoga-chan and giggled happily. "Oh my. I hope I didn't scare anyone too badly," she apologised, before running away.

Mini-Urd morphed back to normal size and tossed a pill to Akane. "Give this to Nabiki when she wakes up!" she instructed, racing after Kasumi with Ukyo close behind.

Kasumi glanced behind her and jumped over the wall. "Oh dear. How vexing," she grumbled, her skirt swishing around her ankles as she ran.

Ryoga-chan groaned and woke up slowly. Oooh… bad dream… I dreamt I saw a demon head Kasumi, she thought blearily, opening her eyes. "Argh! Kasumi, put me down pleeeeeeeeease!" she wailed, kicking her legs frantically.

"Don't worry, Ryoga-chan," Kasumi said soothingly. "We'll be all alone soon-"

WHAM

Mousse appeared out of nowhere and delivered a quick roundhouse kick to Kasumi's jaw. "Ryoga belongs to me!" he proclaimed, catching her in his arms.

I'm beginning to see a pattern here, Ryoga-chan grumbled inwardly.

Mousse grinned down at her and popped a pill in her mouth. "There you go, my darling."

"What was that! Mousse, I swear if you've done something to me I'll…" Ryoga-chan paused in mid-rant and gazed up at Mousse as the look in her eyes changed from anger to adoration. "Darling!"

"Hurrah!" Mousse cheered. "Happy happy joy joy!"

KABLAMO

Kasumi put the lamp post back down. "How dare you hit me, you stupid duck!" she snarled, helping Ryoga-chan back to her feet.

"How dare you hit my beloved Mousse!" Ryoga-chan wailed.

Urd jumped over her head, landed in front of Kasumi and popped the cure pill in her mouth. Kasumi gulped. "O-oh my!"

"Just Mousse to go then?" Ukyo confirmed.

Ryoga-chan stood protectively in front of Mousse. "Don't you dare go near him! I won't let you touch him!"

Ukyo and Urd blinked in surprise. "What's up with her all of a sudden!" Ukyo whispered.

"Don't ask me!" Urd whispered back.

Mousse woke up slowly. "My darling!"

Urd pounced.

Mousse froze. Then he burst into tears. "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! How could I betray Shampoo like that!"

"Mousse-chan, please don't cry!" Ryoga-chan wailed.

Mousse shrieked and tried to run. Ukyo swung her spatula around and whacked him over the head. "You're not going anywhere until you tell us what you've done to Ryoga!" she hissed.

"How dare you hit my Mousse-chan, you stupid, violent, macho, crossdressing tom-"

CLANG

Ukyo sheathed her spatula and glared at Urd. "You know, this is beginning to get beyond a joke."

"Day pill!" Ukyo repeated. "What's that!" Keiko and Urd looked equally confused.

"Years ago, Happosai stole a bracelet from Cologne, which had three love pills in it," Akane explained. "When we found out what they were, Happosai ran out with the bracelet, but Shampoo had managed to get hold of one of the pills, which she fed to Ranma and he begged Cologne for a cure, instantly falling in love with her."

"Ewwww!"

Ranma shuddered at the memory. "Luckily it was the first pill, the instant pill."

"Which only lasted for an instant," Akane added. "Then later on, I swallowed the lifetime pill. But thanks to Ranma filling my lungs with sea water, I threw it up."

"Which left the day pill," Mousse cut in. "Shampoo never got Ranma to eat it, so it was at the Cat Café. I went back and got it." He glared at Ryoga, who was blindfolded and thus didn't see. "Now I wish I hadn't."

"So do I!" Ryoga grumbled. "Do you think I want to spend a day blindfolded!"

"Who cares what you think!"

"Who asked you, duck boy!" Ryoga snarled. He reached out and grabbed (what he hoped was) Mousse by the collar.

"Ryoga? I'm Ukyo. You can let go of my throat now," she said calmly.

"Whoops! Uh… s-sorry." He stammered, then stood up.

"Where are you going?" Ukyo asked.

"To bed. Then I don't have to worry about this dumb thing for at least eight hours," Ryoga replied.

WHAM

"You might want to watch out for that wall though," Ukyo added.

"Ouch."

"You really are a hopeless case, aren't you," Ukyo groaned, reaching down and picking him up by the collar.

"Thanks a bunch," Ryoga said, almost sounding cross.

Ranma sighed. "I don't suppose there's a potion that can make us forget what happened tonight, is there, Urd?" He blinked. "Hey, where'd Urd go?"

"Where'd my blindfold go?" Ryoga asked at almost exactly the same time, in another part of the house. He made the mistake of turning around to see if it had fallen off and maybe he'd stepped over it. And laid eyes upon Ukyo. "KAWAI!"

GLOMP

"ARGH!"

Urd tiptoed away, sniggering.

"That's got to be a first," Nabiki stated, staring at the scene before her. "The one time you DON'T give either of them a potion, someone else does one that works."

Urd nodded. "Although it's not entirely without fault," she pointed out, pouring a bucket of cold water over Ryoga.

She instantly switched her glomp target to Mousse. "Would you stop that!" he yelled irritably.

"Sorry," the goddess said sweetly and poured a kettle of hot water over her.

Ryoga glomped back onto Ukyo and gazed at her adoringly. "Oh har-de-har, reeeeeeal funny, Urd!" Ukyo said snappily, trying to make a convincing show of wriggling out of the death-glomp although a large potion of her vital organs was dissolving into a large mushy puddle inside her.

"Who votes we tie him back up to the tree?" Ranma suggested.

End Part V

PART VI

I Love Ucchan!

The next morning, Ukyo snuggled under her futon cover and yawned. What a weird dream, she thought fuzzily. I dreamt Ryoga was madly in love with me. She rolled over and bumped into something.

43

You have just woken up next to the Victim of Idiotic Love Spells, who is still asleep and purring happily in your ear. Do you

A. Pick up a large spatula, scream 'RYOGA NO HENTA,' and swat him though the roof,

B. Call for Giant Robo, or

C. Remind yourself that he's the victim of some screwed up love spell, forgive him this once and take advantage of the situation by snuggling closer and pretending to go back to sleep.

Ukyo put the spatula back down quietly and wriggled back under the covers. Part of her wondered why she hadn't chosen A and swatted him through the roof. The rest of her reminded her that it wasn't his fault for once, the Tendo's would kill her if they had to repair any more holes in the structure of the building but mostly that it felt reeeeal nice to be held so protectively. Of course, if anyone walked in, she'd have to-

"Hey Ukyo, breakfast's- WHOA!"

"RYOGA NO HENTAI!"

CLANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNG

Akane winced. "Ukyo… he's under a love spell, remember? There wasn't any need to swat him though the roof."

Ukyo stepped into the dining room and sighed. I suppose I'd better go look for that idiot before he gets himself hopelessly-

"Surprise! I made you breakfast!" Ryoga said proudly, popping up in front of her holding a plate with egg, bacon, mushroom and tomatoes.

"Yiiiiiiiiii!"

"Did I scare you?" he asked innocently. As Ukyo was trying to climb up the wall, it was a fairly decent guess that he had.

"Morning, Ukyo," Nabiki greeted her cheerfully.

Ranma blinked. "Man, he must REALLY be in love with you if he's cooking bacon!"

Keiko greeted the long-haired brunette with a nasty glare and stuck her leg out as her elder brother walked past. Ukyo ended up wearing breakfast. "Yaa!"

"Oh nooooo!" Ryoga wailed, frantically trying to brush mushrooms and tomato out of her hair, not even caring that he was wearing half the egg down the front of his shirt. "I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm really really sorry please don't hate me-"

"Ryoga?" Ukyo asked, sounding tired.

"Yes Ucchan?" he asked fearfully.

"Shut up." Ryoga clamped his mouth shut and nodded. Ukyo pointed to a clear spot of the floor. "Sit. And stay there."

Ryoga did as ordered, looking upset as she left the room again. Silently he began picking the broken shards of the plate, which had shattered upon impact with the ground, and placed them on the table. She hates me, he thought miserably, trying not to burst into tears.

"That was a DUMB thing to do," Ranma said scornfully.

He burst into tears. Keiko looked horrified. "Don't cry! Pleeeease don't cry! I'm sorry I tripped you!" she wailed, then started to cry as well.

"I guess being over-emotional runs in the family," Ranma muttered under his breath. Akane backhanded him into the wall. "What'd you do that for!"

"You are SUCH an insensitive JERK!" Akane reprimanded, leaning over the table and giving Keiko a hug.

Ukyo reappeared, wearing clean, food-free clothing. "Oh jeez," she groaned. "What happened here!"

"I think you upset Ryoga," Nabiki said calmly, pointing at him. The Lost Boy had buried his face into his crossed arms and was crying bitterly.

"But-but-" Ukyo stuttered, then with a look of surrender, flopped down next to him. "Ryoga-sugar, what's the matter?"

"I-I d-d-didn't m-m-m-mean t-t-to sp-spill y-your b-b-b-b-breakfast!" Ryoga finally managed to stutter out between his sobs.

Ukyo blinked helplessly. "That wasn't your fault - I'm not mad at you or anythin-"

GLOMP

"Ak!"

"I'm so happy!"

Keiko cried louder.

"Is this such a good idea, Nabiki?" Ukyo whispered doubtfully. "I don't really think I'll be able to get much shopping done if Ryoga keeps glomping me-"

GLOMP

Nabiki repressed the urge to snigger. It almost reminded her of Ranma and Shampoo, except in this case, Akane wasn't around to fend off the offending party. Although in her opinion, Ukyo didn't look nearly as annoyed as she should be. "You could always chuck a bucket of cold water over him," she suggested innocently.

Ukyo shook her head. "Mousse would kill him. Slowly and painfully. It's far kinder to both of them to keep him a guy." Nabiki nodded knowingly in a 'suuuuuuuuure. I believe you' kinda way. Ukyo scowled. "Really."

"Suuuuuuuuure. I believe you."

Argh! Ukyo wriggled slightly in Ryoga's death-glomp. "I don't suppose you could squeeze me with slightly less force could you, sugar? Have to breath. One of those bitchy necessities of life."

"Sorry." Ryoga settled for clutching her arm instead.

Nabiki sniggered. "You know what would be funny?"

"Gee, I don't know. Ice-skating mongooses doing the Lambada!" Ukyo said sarcastically.

"Showing this off to Matilda Tara-Tanya-Watsit," Nabiki suggested.

Ukyo nodded. "Yeah. Up until the point where she gets her sword out and impales me through the heart because I can't fight back due to the fact that I have a martial artist surgically attached to my arm!"

At hearing this, Ryoga looked crestfallen and slowly let go of her arm. "I'm sorry, Ucchan. I didn't mean to be a bother."

Ukyo began to feel like some kind of small, slimy creature you usually find in the back of the vegetable drawer of the fridge as she noted the forlorn expression on his face. "I was only kidding, sugar. I don't mind."

"You don't!"

GLOMP

"But not so tight!"

"What about this?"

Ukyo looked at the item in Nabiki's hands. "You're kidding me," she said flatly.

"What's wrong?" she asked, sounding hurt. "They're fifty percent off – and they're what I'd class as pretty normal clothing."

"Nabiki," Ukyo said quietly and pulling her over to the shop window. "They are hotpants. It's October. Look out there and tell me exactly how many people in this mall you see wearing hotpants who you would say are normal?"

"Errrr…"

"Thank you." A figure caught her eye and she backed away hurriedly from sight. "Tell me whether or not that's the Wicked Witch of the West out there!" she hissed.

"Nope," Nabiki said encouragingly. Ukyo breathed a sigh of relief. "That's her in here."

"WHAT!" Ukyo yelped, then covered her mouth. "We have to get out of here! Follow me," she hissed, dropping onto her hands and knees and crawling underneath a rail of skirts.

"But-" Nabiki began, still clutching the hotpants.

"Forget the damn hotpants already!" Ukyo reprimanded, tossing them aside. They were halfway to the door when she remembered Ryoga. Aw crap!

"Ouch," Nabiki mumbled, bouncing back a little. "Warn me next time you do that."

"Where's that goon Ryoga!"

Nabiki stood up cautiously and peeped over the top of the rail. "Over by the jeans, looking lost. Mathilde's seen him… she's walking over to him… now she's garrotting him with a pair of trousers…"

"She's WHAT!" Ukyo replied, popping up next to her. "Oh ha ha. You're a real comedian, Nabiki," she muttered once she realised Mathilde was not attempting to string Ryoga up with a pair of leopard-spotted leggings while security guards rallied round in a vain attempt to stop her, but actually seemed to be chatting quite calmly to him. Although judging by the expression on his face, he wasn't exactly turning cartwheels of joy upon seeing her. "Stay here," she ordered Nabiki. "I'm going to find out what's going on."

Finally, she was close enough to hear what was being said. "…Imagine running into you here of all places," Mathilde cooed sweetly, leaning against a pile of sweaters.

"Yeah, imagine. Gee, if only I'd know, I would've brought a suicide note with me instead of considering writing one on the wall with my blood," Ryoga cooed equally sweetly.

Ukyo muffled a snigger. Mathilde's smile wavered a little and she examined her fingernails. "How's Keiko?" If there was one thing Ukyo and Mathilde agreed on, it was that Keiko Hibiki was the most annoying thing since those plastic lids they put on coffee, tea and hot chocolate, which are specifically designed to explode down your clothes the second you try to open them.

"Keiko is fine," Ryoga replied warily. "What do you want, anyway?"

Mathilde shrugged. "Just wondered if you're still wanting to work for that tomboy, Ukyo-"

Bad words. Instantly, Ryoga was blazing with an aura that nearly set fire to the merchandise. "How dare you call Ucchan a tomboy! She's more woman that you could ever hope to be! Plus she can cook better, she's a lot friendlier and ten times – no, a HUNDRED times cuter than you!"

Mathilde blinked in shock, then scowled. "Anyone would think you were in LOVE with dumb ol' flat-chested-"

"I am," Ryoga said honestly, almost looking surprised that she would even consider otherwise.

"Half-woman… you WHAT!"

Ukyo almost fell over backwards. It's the pill talking! Remember it's the pill talking! she told herself sternly, a fierce red blush covering her cheeks. Oh man, he was going to HATE himself in the morning!

"I love Ucchan," Ryoga repeated.

Mathilde's mouth opened and closed for a few seconds before she managed to regain her speech. "Wait a second. You, that's you, Ryoga Hibiki, are in love with Ukyo, that is, Ukyo Kuonji, that's the tomboy with the gender cri-"

Ukyo decided it was time to make her appearance and popped up from behind the rack of clothing. "There you are, Ryoga! We thought you'd gotten lost!"

"Ucchan!" Ryoga turned cartwheels of joy.

GLOMP

Ukyo stuck her tongue out at the enraged French girl. "Tough cheeseburgers, honey. Looks like you lose!"

Mathilde glared at her and unsheathed her sword. "You're a real barrel of laughs, you know that? Prepare yourself!"

Ukyo groaned. Just what I need. Another duel against the girl with the Homer Simpson head. Microseconds later, the sword blade whistled past her ear. "Yeek!"

"Don't you dare hurt her!" Ryoga yelled, kicking her arm. The sword flew out of Mathilde's grip and impaled a pile of t-shirts on a nearby table. Without even pausing, he spun around on heel, delivering a hard roundhouse to her jaw. Instantly out cold, Mathilde fairly flew across the store. Luckily her fall was broken by the floor.

Ukyo sweatdropped. "I… think that's enough now, sugar," she said with a small, nervous-sounding laugh. And it took me half an hour to knock her out!

"You know, if you destroy each shop we set foot into," Nabiki reprimanded, "this is going to take a long time."

"Sorry," Ryoga apologised.

"Besides, I thought you didn't hit girls?"

"I don't hit NICE girls," Ryoga corrected. "Besides, I didn't hit her!"

"Good point," Nabiki decided, hoovering up the remnants of her strawberry milkshake. "Are we ready to hit the un-destroyed section of the mall yet?"

"In a sec-"

"Who left that handbag there! Argh!"

SPLASH

A glass of ice-cold lemonade hurtled through the air, landing on (as if you couldn't guess!) Ryoga. She blinked hazily for a second before coming to her senses. "What I doing HERE! I should be with my Mousse-chan!" she yelled, jumping to her feet.

"I knew there was a reason I ordered tea," Ukyo mumbled, poring the contents of her mug over the petite, lovestruck girl. "Although I'm pretty sure it was to drink."

Ryoga turned around and glomped her yet again, knocking them both other backwards. "I'm sorry! Please forgive me! I'll never desert you again!" he wailed.

Ukyo tried to fend him off. "I swear if you do that ONE more TIME…" she hissed through gritted teeth.

Instantly, Ryoga's eyes welled up. "You hate me!" he sobbed, before jumping to his feet and zoom out of the wall of the restaurant like a juggernaut, leaving a large trail of devastation behind him.

Nabiki leaned over and looked down at her. "That could probably be done with more tact," she suggested cheerfully.

"Grrr…"

"Although I suggest we go hunt him down before he does something drastic," the elder girl added.

"EVERYTHING Ryoga does is drastic," Ukyo muttered, sitting up.

"True, true." Nabiki looked serious. "But in all seriousness, what do you think the first thing the guy's gonna do if he's head-over-heels for you and thinks you hate him?"

"…Blow up the mall?" Ukyo suggested slowly.

Nabiki shook his head. "I think he would be FAR more likely to try and blow himself up."

"Oh…" Somehow, a part of Ukyo's mind realised that she was in a family restaurant with little children around. "Fiddle! Piffle rats flip and FIDDLE!" She leapt to her feet. "I'm gonna go find him! See ya!"

Nabiki looked around slowly as the other girl shot out the half-destroyed restaurant. Leaving her to foot the bill. "Shit."

Luckily for Ukyo, a charging Hibiki leaves a trail like a bull in a china shop and it wasn't that hard to follow. Unfortunately, he was a bit faster than she was. Dammit Ryoga! If you've done something dumb, I'll… I'll… she thought despairingly, skidding around a corner and through a broken wall, hopping over giant lumps of mortar.

Finally, she found him - irritatingly enough in the alley at the back of mall they'd left. Slumped against the wall and hugging his knees to his chest, he was crying even harder than he had that morning. Heck, he was even crying harder than the time Ranma had pretended to be his fiancee and when Aiko had died and that was saying something. She stepped forward quietly. "…Ryoga?"

Ryoga yelped in fright, and almost shot through the wall again but this time, Ukyo reached forward and snagged the back of his shirt, almost strangling him. "Oh no you don't, Hibiki! I'm not chasing you around half of Tokyo again!" she growled.

"Why chase me at all?" he sniffled.

"Cause I'm not having you do something idiotic because of some misunderstanding, sugar," Ukyo berated. She let go of his collar and turned him around so he was facing her. "Ryoga-hon, I don't hate you."

"You… you don't?" he whispered hopefully.

"Nope. BUT," she added quickly before he could crush her lungs again, "you have GOT to stop hugging me every ten seconds. You've got the strength of… of a darn'd gorilla and every time you do that, I feel like my ribs are being crushed!" she told him, but with a touch of humour to her tone.

"Sorry."

Ukyo grinned. "That's OK." She took hold of his hand and began to lead him out of the back alley. "Come on, sugar. Nabiki will be wondering where we are." Maybe it would be a good idea to ask Dr Tofu to sedate him until this darn pill wears off!

Clockwatching. Everyone does it. I'm doing it now, watching the numbers on my phone flick from 7:56 to 7:57. I betcha did it at school all the time, counting down the minutes until freedom. And Ukyo was doing, counting down the minutes to 5:52 or thereabouts, the time when quite suddenly, Ryoga would cease to love her.

Most of her (mainly the parts squeezed tight with too many killer hugs) was relieved. He'd be back to his normal dim self and everything would be the same again. Another part of her was disappointed, wanted to fussed over and loved. She watched the clock. 5:50.

"Are you OK, Ucchan?" Ranma asked curiously, turning his attention away slightly from the television.

Ukyo blinked. "Fine. Why wouldn't I be?"

"You're staring at the clock," Ryoga pointed out.

Ukyo laughed nervously. "I was just… ah… waiting for… for… something."

Ranma grinned knowingly. "Look on the bright side. It wears off all at once, not gradually, so once he's back to normal, you can hit him through the roof."

"Yeah, Ranma," she replied tiredly. "Whatever you say."

"Are you sure you're OK, Ucchan?" Ryoga asked worriedly.

She closed her eyes momentarily. Sure. I don't mind the fact that in about two minutes you're going to hate me. "Yeah. I'm OK."

"Oh." Ryoga looked at her with an adoring puppy-dog expression. "Can I give you a hug? Just a little one?"

"I… I guess so," Ukyo faltered.

He snuggled up to her happily. "You're so cute. I love you…"

Ranma sniggered slightly and Akane smacked him over the back of the head. "Don't know why you're laughing, baka! YOU asked Cologne to marry you!"

5:53.

All of a sudden, Ryoga fell off Planet Ukyo, passed through Cloud Nine and Seventh Heaven until he came plummeting back down to Earth. The sudden disorientation that came with the pill wearing off hit him and it took a few moments to get his brain back on line. Where am I? he wondered groggily. He turned his head slightly and the presence of Soun and Genma confirmed his suspicion that he was still at the Tendo Dojo. Sitting on the sofa, watching a dumb horror flick and hugging Ukyo.

Hugging… He turned his head a little more and gazed at her profile. God, she was cute! And he was hugging her. Hugging Ukyo. Finally his brain switched back on.

OH MY GOD! I AM HUGGING UKYO AND I AM STILL ALIVE!

With that thought, he fairly shot across the room in an attempt to continue surviving. "I'msorryimsorryimsorryimsorryimsorry…" he babbled helplessly. "I didn't mean… I didn't know… I…I…"

"Welcome back to reality," Nabiki greeted. "And you owe me for the cost of repairing the wall to Joe's Café."

The events of the day came flooding back to him. "Oh NO! I can't BELIVE it!" he wailed. Ranma would tease him mercilessly about this! And god only knew how many other people had heard about it! Him, not only falling for Ukyo, which was semi-believable, but for MOUSSE as well! Yuck!

Unfortunately, Ukyo couldn't read his mind. "WELL! I'm SORRY being in LOVE with me was so HORRIBLE for you!" she yelled, bringing the table crashing down upon his skull. She scowled and flicked her hair over her shoulder. "I should've left you in girl-form to go chasing after Mousse!" she spat, stomping out of the room.

Ryoga scrambled to his feet and chased after her. "Ucchan, wait!"

"What!" she snapped.

"I didn't mean it like that," he started babbling. "I'm sorry! I can't believe that dumb pill made me fall for Mousse of all people, that's what I meant!" He twiddled his thumbs. "A-and I w-wanted to thank you f-for… for… what I mean is… I mean I-I… um…ah… err.." he stammered. I just wanted to say, of all the girls I had to fall for, I'm glad it was you was what he was actually trying to say.

"Ryoga, speak Japanese for pity's sake!" Ukyo groaned.

"Uh… sorry." He laughed in embarrassment and scratched the back of his head.

"That's better," she said cheerfully and sent him a smile that made him spontaneously combust into a small pile of ashes on the floor. "In that case, I guess I forgive you. A bit. Want to finish watching that film?"

Past coherent speech, Ryoga began to nod shakily, then paused. Something was wrong here… just talking to Ukyo should not turn him into a gibbering bundle of nerves. At least, not unless he was attempting to do something daft like asking her to take a lifetime vow against okonomiyaki. Must be the after-effects of the love pill, he decided. "A-actually, I-I thought I-I'd do some training before bed," he stuttered. "Y'know. In t-the Dojo."

Ukyo frowned. "Do you feel OK?" she asked curiously.

"Absolutely fine! Never better, heheh!"

"You sure, sugar? You seem pretty jumpy."

She loomed closer, looking at him in concern and his vocal chords packed in. With a strangled squeak, he jumped backwards. "I-I… I'll… I m-m-mean I… see ya!" he babbled and set off like a frightened rabbit before she could react.

Ukyo shook her head slowly. "That boy is weird," she sighed.

BakabakabakabakabakaBAKA! That is the last time I EVER try cooking real food with Urd in the building! The kata's were supposed to take his mind off the days events, but instead, in the silence of the Dojo, he found his thoughts going round in circles. I don't care how prettily Ucchan bats her eyelashes at me, I'm not cooking again! Ryoga thought angrily, lashing out at a punch bag. His mind wandered back to how she'd looked at him, concern in her eyes, asking him if he was OK, how she'd almost looked pleased with him when he'd cooked her breakfast, how…

WHAM

The punch bag swung back and hit him in the face, jarring him out of his daydream. "ARGH! What is WRONG with me!" he wailed, clutching at his head. "Why am I thinking like this!" He paused. The love pill! It had to be! But Ranma said it wore off straightaway… he remembered with a frown. But then again, Ranma only had the instant pill. Maybe the effects of the day pill lasted a little longer…? Right? That would explain why the sight of Ukyo made his tongue unravel to his knees and caused his brain to temporarily shut down. Why he wanted to make her happy. Why it hurt when she was mad at him…

But I never liked it when she was unhappy or angry. I hated it. I wanted to cheer her up. Ryoga paced slowly back and forth, deep in thought. That was true. When she'd been upset at losing to Mathilde, it tore him to shreds. When Urd had dropped the bag of affection powder and she'd told her father they'd get married on the New Year, then it had worn off and she'd been soooo mad at him. It hurt so bad. So he'd told her he'd think of a way to deal with it and she'd been happy again.

Yeah, but my tongue never tied up knots when I was talking to her before, he rationalised. So it must be the love pill.

All of a sudden, an idea hit him. "Of course!" There was easy way to see if was the effects of the love pill - become a girl and see if he could talk to her coherently then! He charged out of the Dojo, heading for the kitchen.

Well, the bathroom would do. Whichever he reached first.

A quick gender swap didn't leave Ryoga-chan feeling any more confident about the situation. The lack of any residing feelings for Mousse she could put down to having spent much of the day in her male form and chasing after Ukyo, but the lingering feelings for the girl were still there. Still, you don't get anywhere if you don't try, so she (eventually) found the TV room and marched in. "Hey, Ucchan!"

"Yes?" Ukyo turned around so that she was highlighted by the television screen. The effect was surreal. And very nice.

Ryoga-chan felt her face heat up. "Uhhhh…. nevermind!" she gabbled and quickly ran out of the room, slamming the door behind her and running up to the roof. The cold air would clear her mind, bring her back to her senses and give her time to rationalise why she was acting like a complete loon. She sighed and gazed at the stars. Sure, she'd liked Ukyo for a while now… but… but…

Then she realised what it was, The love pill. Now she knew what it was like to be in love, she could recognise the feelings. There was no longer any way she could excuse it. So does that mean I… NO! I can't be in… in… it's just not possible! Ryoga-chan seethed inwardly. She didn't NEED this now! She didn't WANT to be in love - she wasn't any good at it! It always went wrong! She'd finally decided she wasn't in love with Akane only to find herself head over heels for the one person who she felt was her best friend? Well, THAT screwed things up! "Ooh… Mousse is going to pay for this!" she growled, clenching her fist tightly and quickly running through the available options before settling on a plan of action. She beat up Mousse. She'd become a nun or monk or whatever, take a vow of silence and a vow of solitude and stay in her room and watch Pokemon re-runs on TV for the rest of her life.

As soon as she figured out the way there.

End Part V

PART VI

A Fool For Love.

"Yo, kiddiwinks! Wake up!" Nabiki strode into the room, banging a spoon against a large saucepan.

"I'm awake, I'm awake," Ranma groaned. Across the room, Keiko groaned and hid her head under the pillow in vain as Ryoga surrendered and sat up. Ranma continued to gripe. "You couldn'ta woken us up in a slightly nicer manner could you? Like maybe throwin' a couple of piranhas under the covers!"

"Oh, I'm SO sorry. I'll ask Akane if she can wake you up in future," Nabiki replied sweetly, stepping aside. Akane, who was standing directly behind her, let launch her bucket of cold water.

"Why you- whattya do THAT for!" Ranma-chan yelled.

"Old habits die hard," Akane shrugged. "I'll let you guys get dressed now. Ryoga, your school uniform's in the cupboard."

"School uniform?" he repeated blankly.

"It's what most normal people wear to school," Nabiki explained in a patiently slow tone usually reserved for foreigners and small children. "It's also what weirdo's IM-PER-SON-A-TING normal people wear to school."

Ryoga scowled at her retreating form as she left the room and quickly donned his new (and instantly hated) school uniform before helping Keiko with the fiddly bits of her sailor suit and following Ranma-chan down to breakfast.

"Good morning," Kasumi greeted cheerfully, serving out helpings of rice noodles. "Take a seat and I'll pour you some tea. The girls should be here in a moment."

Ranma-chan and Ryoga both glanced up as the door slid open. And did a double take. Ranma-chan's chopsticks slipped out of her hand and clattered to the tabletop and the cup of tea in Ryoga's hand shattered as his grip on it tightened.

Slowly, the camera pans up the figure standing in the doorway, starting at her shoes, slowly sliding up her slim legs to the top of her skirt, which somehow manages to be at least twenty inches shorter than regulation without being completely indecent, up to her waist, panning up to her chest… left, then right, then up and down a little more… yo cameraman! You can move up now! Then up to her face.

Jaws dropped to the ground. Ranma-chan was (obviously!) the first to regain her speech. "W-wow, Ucchan! You look great!"

Ukyo grinned and did a little twirl, the hem of the skirt bouncing dangerously. "You like it?"

"Of course they like it," Nabiki drawled. "They've only just managed to start speaking again. And here's a tip – don't bend over. But for an eleven-year-olds school uniform, it does fit pretty well."

"Oooh yeah!" Ranma-chan said unwisely.

WHAM went the mallet and Ranma-chan departed on her usual cross-country air trip across the Tokyo skyline.

Ukyo shook her head sadly. "Poor Ranma. I'm amazed he can ever say anything with his feet constantly in his mouth," she quipped, plunking herself down next to Ryoga, seemingly completely unaware of the steam he was certain was pouring out of his ears. "Morning," she said cheerfully.

"H-hiiiii…" he choked out, wishing the ground would open up and swallow him.

Ukyo looked at him carefully. "Are you all right?"

"F-fine! I guess I'm just not used to seeing you in girls clothes," Ryoga said quickly…

WHAM

…And kissed noodles. Akane winced in sympathy.

"Jerk," Ukyo muttered sourly, slurping up her own breakfast.

Ryoga lifted his head out of the noodles. "I'm sorry! I didn't mean it like that, it's just I've never seen you looking… so… so…" he trailed off, looking flustered. And the noodle hanging off the end of his nose certainly didn't add to his dignity.

"So pretty? So bee-you-tiful? So stunning, sleek and svelte!" Ukyo suggested, striking a pose. Nabiki and Akane giggled.

"Uh… forget it," he grumbled, turning back to the noodles. They looked a lot less appetising with the imprint of his face mushed into them.

"No, really. So what?" Ukyo pressed, leaning in closer towards him.

"Nothing! It doesn't matter!" he babbled, edging away.

Keiko slammed her bowl down on the table, making them all jump. "I've finished," she said acidly. "Kasumi-chan, can I go to school now please?"

"Of course," Kasumi said merrily, picking the bowl out of it's dent and taking it into the kitchen. "I'll do the washing up when I get back – Akane-chan, could you make sure you all leave your empty bowls by the sink please?"

"I wonder what's wrong with Keiko-chan?" Ryoga mused aloud, watching them leave.

"EVERYTHING'S wrong with that child," Ukyo growled under her breath.

"Oh gee, would you look at the time!" Akane said quickly before Ryoga could retaliate. "We'd better be going."

Nabiki Tendo, as everybody knows, has attachments (and nasty little secrets) with almost everyone in authority. Which is why none of the teachers batted an eyelid at their 'new' pupils, who somehow looked remarkably like two of their other pupils, who funnily enough, weren't present…

Hinako-chan walking between the rows of desks, handing back English assignments and adding short comments as she did. "…Gosunkugi, you've still got a few glitches in the spelling, but you're doing better… Masaki, pretty good, but I couldn't read the bits covered in iodine…"

"Stupid Washu!" Tenchi grumbled under his breath, taking back his paper.

"Saotome, making your words extra big and leaving a line between each paragraph doesn't fool me!" she continued, then handed back Ryoga's work. "Smartass," she muttered.

Ryoga stuck his tongue out at her back. He's quickly realised his teacher had no sense on humour and assignments on anything other that what he was specifically told to do were frequently returned with the words 'B- stick to the subject!' on them. This one had A- and the words 'good, but please don't use as a doodle pad.' Ryoga frowned and flicked through the sheets of paper. Doodle pad?

Sure enough, there were the unconscious doodlings of a bored student. The usual block letters and stick people and graffiti-type slogans and little devils with pitchforks (or is it just me who does those?) and little scenes with extra bits added every so often… and Ukyos. Lots of them. Usually hitting small pigtailed Ranmas over the head, although there were a couple in sailor suits and several running across the page after tiny french women waving big swords. He turned a deep shade of scarlet. Oh my gawd! How long have I been doing THAT for! he wailed inwardly, quickly burrowing in his pencil case for a large black marker with which to obliterate them all with. He flicked back through the notebook, shocked to discover them going back almost as far as when he'd first started attending school.

Hinako-chan frowned. "Hi-Tendo, this is English class, not art class."

"Like it makes any difference whether I pay attention or not," Ryoga scoffed quietly.

Not quietly enough. "HAPPO FIFTY YEN SATSU!"

I'm going to have to learn to keep my mouth shut…

"So, 'Tendo,' how's things holding up so far?" Ranma asked amiably at lunch.

Ryoga gazed vacantly into space as his picked up a bit of okonomiyaki with his chopsticks, then let it drop, picked up a bit of okonomiyaki, let it drop, picked up a bit of okonomiyaki, let it drop…

"YO! WAKE UP!"

Ryoga yeeked and almost impaled himself with the chopsticks. Ranma caught the piece of airborne okonomiyaki and frowned at him. "What's up with you? You've been acting weird all day."

Ryoga shrugged casually. "Just thinking."

"That must be painful. What about?"

Like I'm really gonna tell YOU that! Ryoga fumed inwardly. If he told Ranma, the guy would NEVER leave him alone! "Just stuff," he said absently.

"What kinda stuff?" Ranma persisted.

"Just… stuff stuff, I guess."

A sly grin appeared on Ranma's face. "About Ucchan?"

"How'd you-! I-I mean, of course not!" Ryoga quickly corrected himself.

"You've been staring at her since lunch started," Ranma pointed out. He leaned on his hands, a look of interest on his face. "Something going on between you two? Hmm? Hmmmm!"

"Seeing as we're no longer even accidentally engaged, one would assume not," Ryoga replied sarcastically. Unfortunately.

Ranma frowned. "Just out of morbid curiosity, would you WANT to be engaged again?"

"With HER! Are you MAD!" Ryoga shot back, louder than he'd intended.

Recipe of the day. Baka Surprise. Instructions – Open mouth, then insert foot as far in as it will go.

"RYOGA NO BAKA!" Ukyo yelled, doing a passable impression of a Soun Tendo demon head and slamming the grill over his head.

"Owww…" he whimpered. "Hurt."

Ranma winced in sympathy. "That sure looked painful."

"That WAS painful," Ryoga growled. Then he paused. Of all the people who knew they were no longer even vaguely engaged, and with the excitement of late with various matters involving gender-swapping okonomiyaki and vengeful French women, they'd forgotten one important individual. Ukyo's dad.

Just because Ukyo thought he was a moron and he didn't have a snowballs chance in hell with her, didn't mean he had to make her mad all the time. If I tell him we're not engaged, she'll be really happy… he mused inwardly. And she'll probably be really grateful… maybe… He jumped to his feet and zoomed back into school to find a payphone.

Operation Make Ukyo Happy (OMUH) was underway!

"Well son, so what was it you wanted to talk to me about?" Ukyo's dad said jovially, pouring himself a cup of tea and settling himself more comfortably on the vinyl café bench.

Ryoga gulped. Ukyo's dad looked like the kind of guy who wrestled bears for fun. He would probably be very happy to snap him in half, which was specifically why he'd chosen a seat near to the door.

Mr Kuonji didn't appear to notice his discomfort. "How's my little girl then? Looking forward to the wedding?"

Ryoga shifted uncomfortably. "T-that's what I wanted to speak to you about," he said, carefully thinking his words through before he said them. "I-I like Ucchan. I like her a lot… but I can't marry her." He braced himself.

Mr Kuonji mulled the words over in his head. "Why?" he said finally.

Ryoga picked up his glass of water and upturned it over his head. "Because I turn into a girl."

Mr Kuonji coughed and tea splurted out of his nostrils. "Whu-whu-whu…!" he wheezed, gazing at her in shock. Finally he recovered slightly. "Are those real!" he asked, pointing a finger at her breasts.

"They are very real," Ryoga-chan informed him.

Mr Kuonji looked thoughtful for a moment. "Well… my daughter has spent much of her life pretending to be a man… and you turn into a girl… I see no reason why that should make you want to call off the wedding."

Ryoga-chan fell sideways off the stool. "You what!"

"You both understand each other much more that any normal couple – and besides, it'll make the honeymoon that more interesting!" he explained.

A few important brain cells committed suicide. Perhaps this wasn't such a great idea after all. "But-but…" she began, trying to think of another reason. "I've been seeing someone else," she said quickly, remembering all the soaps she'd ever watched, where that seemed to be the main reason of any breakup. Especially if it was a relative or a worst enemy or a member of the same sex. "I've been seeing Mathilde Tara-Thompkinson behind her back."

The tea cup in Mr Kuonji's hand changed shape. "You've been seeing another woman behind my little girl's back…" he said slowly. "And not only that, but it's that little sewer-rat Mathilde!"

Gee, I see you've met her. Well, can't back down now. Ryoga-chan looked embarrassed. "Well, what can I say… heh heh! Guilty as charged and all that!"

The cup changed shape a little more. "You… you…" he growled, his face turning very purple. He unfolded from under the table and loomed menacingly over her. "I will have VENGANCE!" he roared.

Ryoga-chan decided now would be a good time to scarper. Screaming like a girl also looked very promising. "Eeeeeek! Help! MUMMY!"

The coast is clear. Ryoga popped out of the mirror with practised ease.

CLANG

Or maybe it isn't. Ryoga rubbed his head. "Hello, Ucchan."

"How DARE you call me that!" Ukyo raged, swinging her spatula back for another strike. "You JACKASS!"

Ryoga hopped into the air and landed on the flat end of the spatula. "What's the matter?" he asked, puzzled.

"Get off my spatula, baka!" she growled, flicking the sheet metal upwards so he was forced to leap off. "Daddy phoned a minute ago."

"And…?" he prompted, still confused. Surely she'd be happy now?

"You are such an IDIOT!" she ranted some more. "Did your brain MELT DOWN in school today! WHAT were you THINKING!"

Metal whistled past his ear and thudded into the wall. Nabiki poked her head out of the doorway and sighed. "Ukyo, much as I appreciate your overwhelming urge to annihilate him, could you please treat the building with a bit more respect?"

"What? What's going on!" Ryoga looked from one girl to the other, utterly bewildered. "I thought you be happy that your dad doesn't want us to get married anymore!"

Ukyo snarled. "Correction. He doesn't want YOU to get married. However, he's determined that I get married! Thanks to you, I've now been set up with every eligible guy my dad knows!"

"WHAT!" Ryoga crashed to the ground. "You're kidding!"

Ukyo brained him with the handle of her spatula. "Sure! I always kid about stuff like this! OF COURSE I'M NOT KIDDING, YOU HARE-BRAINED JACKASS! Of all the stupid things to tell him!"

"Well what was I supposed to say! Sure, I'll marry her… when hell freezes over!" he protested, leaping to his feet.

Ukyo stepped backwards, looking hurt. "Y-you hate me that much…?" she whispered.

"What! N-no… I…"

CLANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNG

"WELL GOOD RIDDANCE TO YOU THEN!"

"Oh gee, now THIS is a surprise," Ryoga muttered to himself somewhere in Japanese airspace, scaring the sparrows. "Why am I forced to constantly spend an hour a day flying through the air? In my next life, I swear I'm coming back as a pigeon."

"Well, we meet again," a voice said cheerfully next to him. "I don't suppose you've seen Darling, have you? Brown hair, about so tall, kinda gangly?"

Ryoga turned his head slightly. "Oh, hi. Lum, right? Sorry, still haven't seen him, I'm afraid."

"Good memory. You're the guy with the okonomiyaki-cooking fiancee, aren't you? What happened, she tried cooking you lunch again?" Lum questioned.

Ryoga sighed. Maybe a woman's opinion would be helpful here, and the oni alien didn't seem to want to electrocute him this time… "Actually… she's not my fiancee any more. Then I told her dad we weren't engaged and she screamed at me then kicked me through the roof."

Lum shrugged. "Sounds to me like she wanted to be engaged after all."

"It's not that," he said glumly. "It's because her dad decided she'd got to date all these other guys instead. I was only trying to help and now she hates me!"

Lum frowned. "Well, why do you care? If you're not engaged to her, it's not your problem any more."

"B-but I think I love her!" Ryoga clapped his hands over his mouth in horror. "Oh cripes, I said that aloud, didn't I!"

Lum blinked at him. "So you… were engaged to her, broke up with her, told her dad who then decided to make it his mission in life to get her hitched, THEN you decided you love her?"

Ryoga thought about it for a second. He was pretty certain he loved Ukyo… after all, that's why he'd braved the wrath of God and the fire of heaven and being chased by her dad waving a broken street sigh above his head. "Umm… yes?"

"Isn't that rather a backwards way to go about things?"

"You think I don't know that!" Ryoga growled. "I didn't plan this! I didn't even know I loved her until some idiot cast a spell on me yesterday!"

This guy almost makes my life seem normal! Lum thought about the situation some more. "So you want to know what to do, right?"

"That would be helpful, yes!" Ryoga replied with a slight hint of sarcasm.

Lum took a deep breath, circled around him and yelled in his ear; "TELL HER, STUPID!"

Ryoga glared at her, his head ringing. "I CAN'T!"

"Why not?" The alien oni crossed her arms and waited for a reply.

"…"

"See? There's no reason why you can't tell her! After all, what's the worst that could happen?"

"She could laugh? She could kick me through the roof and never speak to be again? She could rip out my heart, stick it in a blender and hit mach 2!"

Lum sighed. Earth men were sooooo weird! "You never know, she might like you too. But if you let her be taken out by all these different men, she'll think you don't like her, right?"

"Umm… right…?" Ryoga said slowly.

"And that's not going to make her like you, is it?"

Ryoga thought about this one. "…No?"

"So DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!" Lum yelled. "Or she's gonna be swept off her feet by some new guy and there won't be a thing you can do about it! Do you WANT that to happen!"

"NO!" The power of the green-eyed monster flooded through him. Ukyo was his! (Although she was unaware of the fact!) He wasn't gonna let her slip through his fingers like Akane had. He was going to fight! He was going to tell her! He was… he was… going to be impaled by a TV aerial if he didn't watch out! "HELP!" he wailed, grabbing at the green-haired girl. Pity he didn't watch were he was grabbing.

"PERVERT!"

ZAKZAKZAKZAKZAKZAKZAKZAKZAKZAKZAKZAKZAKZAKZAKZAK

End Part VI

PART VII

Little Date

Ukyo paced madly up and down Akane's room, making the other girl feel rather dizzy. "Argh! I can't believe that baka! Why did he do it!"

"Because you told him to," Akane said sweetly.

Ukyo glared at her. "When! I don't remember-"

"After the affection powder wore off," the other girl cut in.

Ukyo gawped at her for a second. "H-how…!"

"I'm the sister of Nabiki Tendo. Need I say any more?" Akane scoffed.

Ukyo glared at her some more then sighed. "I thought he'd forgotten. I was going to tell daddy myself-"

"When?"

"Around about the year 2045." Ukyo resumed pacing again. "What am I going to dooooo! I don't want to be set up with some guy my dad picks – after all, he approved of Ranma!"

Akane bristled. "Ranma's not that bad-"

"Excuse me? 'Ranma no baka?' 'Ranma no hentai?' 'Ranma the insensitive jerk who has nothing better to do than criticise my cooking and my figure!'" Ukyo retaliated in a highly passable impression of Akane. "Who are you and what have you done with the real Akane!" she exploded.

Akane fumed. "Well, what about you! You're always calling Ryoga a hopelessly clueless, indirectional jackass, stubborn as a mule, twice as stupid and with less tact than a lobotomised politician, yet here you are, ranting and raving because he actually did what you told him to and broke off your engagement!"

"I was mad at him at the time! Then I calmed down, realised that if I had to be stuck with an idiot, at least it was someone I liked! Hold it against me, why don't you!" Ukyo snarled back. "I have a date tonight and believe me, I would much rather spend the evening playing Barbie with the Little Monster than go. So STOP CRITISING ME AND TELL ME WHAT TO DO!"

"First of all, calm down before you blow a blood vessel!" Akane advised. She looked thoughtful. Then a fragment of the conversation floated through her head. "You like Ryoga!"

"I didn't say that!" Ukyo protested. Akane glared at her and Ukyo shrivelled up. "I-I… well, maybe just a little… well what's that got to do with anything!"

Akane smirked. "Go on the date. Dress to kill and make him suffer. That's what I'd do if I were you. Then you can concentrate on what to do next…"

A rather charred Ryoga staggered into the house after being dropped off (literally) by Lum, trying to decided whether he hated the alien oni or not. I hate my life.

This was the moment when Ukyo decided to blast him away with her new 'I'm Ukyo Tendo, Wild Child, Femme Fatel Bitch-On-The-Pull' outfit. Which was a leather strapless leotard, fishnet stockings, thigh high black boots and whip. Just kidding! She was actually wearing tight black PVC trousers and a red boob tube that looked painted on and stayed up through sheer willpower. Although you would've thought it WAS fetish gear by the way the poor guy's nose bled as he toppled over backwards. "I think it worked," she said cheerfully to Akane.

"I think you've killed him," Akane replied dryly.

"Promises, promises," Ukyo grinned. "I just hope he wakes up before-"

KNOCKKNOCK

Kasumi appeared, with Ukyo's Date, a guy who looked like Hikaru Gosunkugi without the dark circles and with long hair tied back in a skinny ponytail. "Ukyo, this is Yoshi, a master of Martial Arts Calligraphy. I hope you both have fun."

Yoshi apparently didn't have the shyness of Gosunkugi. He stepped forward and handed her a bunch of small pink roses. "Hey, babe. Let's get going while the night's still young," he oozed, eyeing her chest.

Ukyo resisted the urge to kick him through the roof. BABE! Instead, she poked Ryoga with her toe, sighed and stepped over him. "Would you like some tea first?" she asked politely. She had to make him stay until Ryoga woke up or it was useless!

Yoshi looked vaguely disappointed. "I guess so…"

Waiting until they'd disappeared, Akane slapped the unconscious guy several times. "Wake up!"

Ryoga groaned and opened his eyes. "Has she left yet?" he asked weakly.

"Not yet."

"Good." Ryoga hopped to his feet, charged up the stairs, into the bathroom, tipped a bucket of cold water over himself then ran into the Dojo and jumped on Ranma's head.

"What!" Ranma asked irritably, trying to look up.

Ryoga-chan landed in front of him. "OK Ranma, here's the deal. You are going to take me on a date and you are not going to say ANYTHING. I return, I will not fry you into a small cinder."

Ranma's jaw dropped. "Have you SEEN what you're wearing!" he hissed.

"I am very much aware of what I am wearing," Ryoga-chan growled.

Ranma's shocked eyes travelled over the blond, shoulder-length hair, down past the shiny black sleeveless top, down to the matching PVC hotpants - back up to that top… "Have you lost your mind!" he squeaked.

"Obviously! Now just shut up, would you!" she snarled, dragging out of the room by his hair.

For once, Ranma wisely decided to keep his opinions to himself. "Kasumi would've offered whatizface tea first - the kitchen's that way," he directed. The two of them carefully peered around the doorframe.

"…So this guy's like, in my face, all 'you call that martial arts!'" Yoshi bragged in between drinking his tea.

Ukyo forced a grin on her face and tried to glance at the doorway without being too obvious. Where IS that goon! she fumed inwardly. "So what did you do?" she asked sweetly, feigning interest.

"Well, I- aw gee, would ya just look at the time, babe? We'd better go if we wanna eat before we hit the clubs."

Yoshi stood up and took her cup away before she could protest and Ukyo was seized with an almost overwhelming urge to set about him with a large calligraphy brush. Instead, she smiled sweetly. "OK then." She would attempt to have fun. And if Ryoga didn't try and interfere, she would kick him through the roof again.

Ranma drummed his fingers on the tabletop in a dark corner of Joe's Café (Must be a franchise.) and glared at the girl opposite him. "I can't believe you're doing this – spying on her date," he said finally.

"You're hardly one to talk," Ryoga-chan scoffed. "Remember the time I went on that date with Akane? And you pretended to be my fiancee? And completely ruined what could've been the happiest day of my life!" she finished, with the Look of Death™ on her face.

Ranma sweatdropped. "T-that was different!"

"How so?" Ryoga-chan leaned forward, a look of interest on her face.

"…Never mind. What are you planning on doing?"

Ryoga-chan blinked. "….Actually, I hadn't thought that far ahead."

Ranma fell off the chair. "You what!"

"That's why I asked you along," she said innocently. "For teamwork." And everybody know teamwork means not having to take all the blame yourself.

"Hmm… well, why not go for the traditional approach then?"

"You mean drape myself all over him in the hope he'll like me better. Gee, now that's original!" she said, dripping with sarcasm.

Ranma scowled. "It works, doesn't it! I mean, look at what you're wearing! It won't take long to get his attention with that little get-up!"

Ryoga-chan scowled back, then sighed. "All right, all- Hey! Where'd they go!"

"Quick! After them!" Ranma yelled, grabbing her by the arm and dashing out of the restaurant, into the street, just in time to see the couple enter 'Insomnia,' the local nightclub. His gaze hardened. There's no way I'm leaving Ukyo in club like that with a guy who calls her 'Babe'," he said grimly, charging up to the door.

A giant of a bouncer loomed over him. "Ya'on da gest list?" he rumbled.

Ranma looked slightly confused. "Huh?"

"He asked if we're on the guest list," Ryoga-chan translated.

"Oh. Then no," Ranma replied.

"No gest list, NO ENTRY!" he roared.

Ranma scowled. "Get outta my way and let us in or else!" he growled.

"Ya wanna make summit afit, girlie boy!" the bouncer growled back.

Ryoga-chan rolled her eyes. "Now THIS is predictable," she mumbled as Ranma hopped back, spun round and clocked the guy on the chin.

Ranma grinned smugly as he crashed. "Heh. That'll teach ya to mess with Ranma Saotome," he bragged. "C'mon, Ryoga. We got work to do."

Inside was typical nightclub scene. Floor vibrated, music was deafening, strobe lights flickered, a heaving mass of bodies undulated on the dance floor while a huge crowd bellowed for attention at the bar. Typical stuff.

Of course, all this was totally alien to the two martial artists. Ryoga-chan scanned the interior helplessly. "Jeez… how are we supposed to find them among this lot!" she said with a hit of awe in her voice.

Ranma squared his shoulders. "I'll look on the dance floor, you look by the bar," he decided, disappearing into the crowd before she could protest.

Ryoga-chan sighed. I will not get lost, I will not get lost, I will not get lost… she repeated to herself as she unsympathetically elbowed aside anyone who got in her way. Fishing in the tight pockets of her shorts, she managed to locate some money. "Oi, gimmee a Blackcurrant Vodka Source!" she growled, naming the first 'girlie' drink that popped into her head.

The barman glanced her and frowned. "Got any ID?"

"Sure." She tapped a bar stool, breaking it in half. "There's my ID." Silently, he handed her the bottle. Ryoga-chan took a swig. Hmm, not bad actually. She folded her arms on the bar and leaned forward. "You seen a guy here, 'bout this tall, ponytail looks like a rat tail, with a girl in a red sleeveless top and black trousers?"

The barman looked at her in disbelief. "Chick, I've served a zillion customers tonight. You expect me to remember just one!"

"Thanks for nothing," she scowled, turning her back on him.

The guy standing next to her leered appreciatively and slung an arm around her shoulders. "Well, hi beautiful. Fancy a dance?"

"Buzz off, creep," Ryoga-chan muttered, scanning the crowd in the faint hope of spotting Ukyo or Ranma.

"Gee, I'm only tryna be nice, you don't hafta be like that," he growled nastily and grabbed her by the wrist. "I think you'd better give me somethin' t'apologise."

"Sure, I'll give you something!" she snapped and flung him through the air. "How's a broken nose sound to you!"

"You little !" snarled one of his mates (who looked as though he was in training for sumo) and waddled forward. "Someone outta teach you a lesson!"

By this time, Ryoga-chan was really spoiling for a fight. "Bring it on, tubby!"

Tubby threw a punch at her, which she easily dodged. Jumping over his head, she casually kicked out and Tubs flew forward, crashing into the wall. This was the instant sign for a free-for-all. Bottles went flying, as did bar stools, tables and people.

Ranma sauntered over and dragged Ryoga-chan out of the centre of the general melee by the back of her shorts. "And just how do you think you're going to find Ukyo if you go getting yourself into fights!" he scolded. "And you've gone and lost that wig too! That was expensive!"

"Moi?" Ryoga-chan said innocently. "Did you find her?" she continued before Ranma could ask whether moi meant 'not me, surely!' or 'who the hell do you think you are, pencil-neck!'

"No," Ranma sighed. "And I think we'd better get out of here before they try and make us pay for this!"

"Don't look at me! The only thing I broke was the bar stool!" Bickering cheerfully, they left, leaving a trail of carnage behind them. Just in time to see their intended spying victims leave the building across the road. Ryoga-chan smacked Ranma under the head. "You idiot! We've been looking in the wrong place!" she yelled.

"What d'ya do that for! We found them, didn't we!" Ranma yelled back, jumping up onto the roof. "Follow me! It'll be easier to keep track of them from up here!"

Meanwhile, Ukyo pretended to be having fun, although she was by now heartily sick of listening to Yoshi's continual bragging. If possible, this guy was more arrogant that Ranma and Kuno mixed together! She feigned a yawn. "I'm pretty tired – I think I'll be heading home now," she lied.

"Why don't you crash at my place?" Yoshi suggested instantly. "It's pretty close by."

"I don't think so," Ukyo declined quickly. NO WAY ON EARTH IF YOU WERE THE LAST SURVIVING LIFE FORM ON THIS PLANET!

"Aw, c'mon babe! I show you a good time and you just wanna bow out on me!" Yoshi grabbed hold of her by the arm and spun her around. "How 'bout a goodbye kiss then?"

"Let go of me, you…!" Ukyo snarled, preparing to slam him into LEO when…

…Somebody hurtled down from the roof, slamming into his head, feet first. "Get your hands offa her, you dirty creep!" Ryoga-chan yelled. I hate men who treat women like dirt! she seethed inwardly.

"Ryoga!" Ukyo had never felt happier. (Except for when Ranma had first called her cute… and when she'd one first prize in the District Okonomiyaki Championships… and when… never mind.)

Ryoga-chan gulped and turned around slowly. "Umm… hi?"

Much to her surprise, she found herself engulfed in a killer hug. "I can't believe you really did that!" she cried happily.

"You're not going to kill me for knocking out your date!" she asked in disbelief.

Ukyo grinned. "Are you kidding! I could kiss you!"

Ryoga-chan turned scarlet. So what's stopping you! she wanted to ask, then remembered how she was currently dressed.

Yoshi rose to his feet, shaking with anger. "You… you… INFIDEL!" he howled, pointing at her. "You messed up my HAIR!"

Ryoga-chan blinked slowly. "That's… what hairbrushes are for."

"You must be Ryoga Hibiki, right?" Yoshi said with a scowl. "I get why she dumped ya now – a fiance who's more girl than guy!"

Ryoga-chan stomped on his head. "I'm more man than you could ever hope to be!" she yelled angrily.

Yoshi jumped to his feet. "That's it! CALLIGRAPHY MARTIAL ARTS SPECIAL ATTACK!" he roared, leaping into the air, brandishing a calligraphy brush, with special effects going in the background.

Which instantly winked out of existence as he drew a beard and moustache on her face. Ryoga-chan stomped on his head. "Call that an attack!"

Yoshi scrabbled in his pocket and withdrew a bottle if ink, which he dipped his brush into. "Actually, THIS is the attack," he admitted, brandishing the brush and writing 'cat' across her arm.

Ryoga-chan looked at her arm, looked at him and stomped on his head again. "Ha ha. Good attack."

"I HAVEN'T FINISHED YET!" he yelled and waved the brush again. Seven more brush stokes gave her three ink whiskers on each cheek and a black ink nose.

Ryoga-chan looked at Ukyo, who shrugged helplessly. "Don't look at me, I don't know what the attack's supposed to do," she admitted.

Yoshi laughed. "You wait, chick! You come beggin' for help soon enough!" he bragged, vaulting over Ryoga-chan's head, swiping with the brush once more and running away, cackling madly.

Ryoga-chan scowled. "Marvellous. I've been used as a doodle-pad by a manic who needs art lessons." She grumbled, stepping forward under a streetlight.

Ukyo gasped. "Oh My God!"

End Part VI

PART VII

Ink Blot!

Nabiki blinked slowly. "What. On. Earth. Is. That?" she stated simply.

Ryoga-chan sighed. "It's ink."

"I mean THAT!" she replied, pointing with her chopsticks."

Ryoga-chan turned around. "That would be ink too."

"But… what IS it!"

"I'm pretty sure it's supposed to be a tail," the other girl said with a sigh. "The guy who drew it wasn't much of an artist."

"Riiiiiiiight." Nabiki nodded slowly.

"But how can you have a tail made of ink?" Akane asked curiously, peering curiously at her. "How can you paint ink on thin air? It's not possible!"

"Sure, Akane," Ryoga-chan huffed. "Tell it to the tail."

Ukyo re-entered the room, wearing clothing slightly more suitable for the time of year, closely followed by Kasumi. "Still, it IS ink, so it should wash off," Ukyo decided, standing aside to let Kasumi past.

"…Wha- Kasumi, what are you d-doing…?" Ryoga-chan backed away as Kasumi advanced on her, armed with a scrubbing brush and soap and a very disturbing grin.

"I'm just going to try and get that ink off you," Kasumi explained, and pounced.

SHKSHKSHKSHK

"WAAAAAA! THAT HUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRTS! KAS-UUUUUUMIIIIIII!" Managing to wriggle out of Kasumi's grasp, she fled upstairs to wash the soap off. Akane, Nabiki and Ukyo followed after taking the time to glance at each other.

There was a short silence.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Kasumi blinked. "Maybe I should've told them Ranma was in the bathroom?"

The basic doodles - the tulips, moustache, beard and Nazi swastika had washed off easily, but the whiskers, black nose, tail and the word 'cat' hadn't. Scrubbing hadn't worked. Neither did bleach, turpentine or Jif. Kasumi had to be forcibly restrained from using Hydrochloric acid but everyone else agreed it probably wouldn't have worked anyway.

Ranma looked at the now-male Ryoga and shuddered. "That is so gross," he muttered.

Ryoga scowled. "What's your problem! It's not like you're the one with ink on your nose!"

Ukyo drummed her fingers on the table. "Seriously though, I don't see what this technique is supposed to do other than make you look like a complete twat."

The only thing that stopped him bursting into tears with that comment was the thought that he'd look an even bigger twat than he did at present.

Keiko tossed a ball of wool into the air and caught it in her right hand. "Maybe it's supposed to make you ACT like a cat," she suggested, rolling the ball of wool across the floor towards him.

Ranma shuddered again. "Yuk! You start acting like a c-c-cat and I am SO outta here!"

"Oh pu-leese. Saotome, you are such a wimp!" Ryoga snorted.

Ranma simmered. "Oh yeah! Here speaks the guy who's scared of smphgh!"

Ukyo blinked. "Of what?"

"Uh… hehehe! Nothing!" Ryoga slowly lifted his hand away from Ranma's mouth. "Say another word and I'll kill you," he hissed.

"Ryoga-chan isn't scared of anything in the world!" Keiko sniffed haughtily.

Ranma's eyes flickered around the room and he quickly pounced on something. "Except…" he stated, opening his hands, "these."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

Ranma looked slightly surprised as Nabiki joined in with Ryoga's shriek. "Feh. Girls are such wimps," he snorted, watching them both cling to each other in terror.

"A-a-a-arachniphobia is a p-p-pretty c-c-common f-fear," Nabiki stuttered, edging away. "N-now g-get rid of it!"

Ranma looked at the spider in his hands. "It's only a little one-"

"Oh, come on, Ranma! Did they exploit your fear of cats!" Ukyo scolded.

Ranma's gaze hardened as he recalled how Nabiki had hung cats off him when she'd discovered his fear. "Actually, yes," he growled and thrust the spider forward.

Ryoga and Nabiki screamed again before clinging hold of the ceiling. Well actually, Ryoga was the one grimly holding onto the ceiling. Nabiki was grimly hanging onto him. "You let me fall and I'll get every single penny you own," she whispered in his ear.

With a small sigh, Keiko stomped Ranma into the ground and put the spider out the window (after being redirected several times by Kasumi). "It's OK now, it's gone!"

The two landed back on the ground. "Ugh. I HATE creepy crawlies," Nabiki shuddered.

Ranma looked highly pleased. Not only did he have something to use if Ryoga tried to use his fear of cats against him (not that he had so far, but it never hurts to be cautious!), but now he had a defence against Nabiki too!

Akane frowned. "The ink's spread," she observed.

"What?" Ryoga tried to stop hyperventilating and pay attention. Ugh. Spiders were sooooo gross!

"She's right," Ukyo confirmed. "It's on your hands now."

Ryoga looked at his hands and hmmed thoughtfully. Sure enough, his hands were completely black. "Probably rubbed off my tail," he decided allowed. "Just my luck it'll only rub off back onto me!"

Ukyo frowned. Somehow, she didn't think that was the answer…

"Aw come on! You can't be serious!"

Ukyo gritted her teeth and pulled harder. "You… are… going… to… school… and that is THAT!"

Long grooves appeared in the asphalt where Ryoga's fingers had dug in. "But everyone will laugh at me!" he wailed.

Ukyo readjusted her grip on his ankles. "I don't care! I have to go to school, so you're going too, got that!"

"I thought I was supposed to impersonating a 'normal' person," he grumbled.

"So?"

"So how many normal people do you know with ink tails!"

"Like you were ever normal to start with!" Ukyo scowled.

Ryoga let go of the pavement. "What's that supposed to mean!"

Unprepared for this response, Ukyo fell over. "Ouch," she grumbled, sitting up. "I mean, what normal guy can rip a tree in half with his bare hands, blow up rocks with one finger and has the depressive force of a small nuke, eh? Plus what normal guy gets lost walking out of the room and turns into a girl?"

"…" Ryoga digested this statement quietly. "Oh," he concluded. (Although a conclusion is merely where you arrive when you get tired of thinking) Well I guess that could've been harsher.

"Now get moving before we're late!" Ukyo grabbed hold of his tail and pulled.

"OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! That HURTS!"

Ukyo quickly let go. "How can it hurt? It's just ink?" she wondered aloud.

"I don't know how it did but it did!" Ryoga snapped irritably. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow."

Much to Ryoga's surprise, although many students stared, nobody questioned. (This was due the charms - and threats - of the infamous Nabiki Tendo!)

However, the teachers were another matter entirely.

After English class was over, Hinako-chan walked slowly around him with narrowed eyes. "Ink, you say?"

"Yes Sensei."

"There's a sink over there. Wash it off," the tiny teacher finally decided.

Ryoga groaned. "It won't come off!"

"WHAT DID YOU SAY!"

"I said right away, Hinako-ma'am!"

Washu ran through the door and skidded to a halt. "Oh Ryoooooooooga…" she began sweetly, swaying towards him.

Ryoga backed away hurriedly. "If it's Jif, we already tried it."

Washu looked shocked. "You think I, the greatest, most powerful - and cutest - scientific mind in all the know galaxies would resort to using cheap household cleaning materials? I have something far superior in mind! Behold!" She presented a large bottle. "The all-new Ex-Ink 2000!"

Ryoga peered closely at the label. "It say's Pepsi Max."

Washu blinked and examined the label. "Oops." She chucked the Pepsi Max into hammerspace and produced another bottle. "Behold! Ex-Ink 2000!"

Ryoga cast the bottle a wary look. "What's it made of?"

"Nitric acid, hydrochloric acid, sulphuric acid, some other acid I forgot the name of, bleach, TCP, sulphur, potassium, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree… a bit of this, a bit of that," she finished, advancing on him with a large cloth.

"W-wha… and you expect me to let you put that on my face! No way!"

"Actually, I expect you to scream and struggle and try to make a break for it, which is why I've brought my patent tentacled-Tenchi- trapper into school…" The machine in question loomed over Ryoga and wrapped itself around it. Unfortunately for all the gals reading this, Washu had disabled the mechanism that would've ripped all his clothes off, leaving him in his boxers. Ah well. Maybe another day.

Hinako-chan howled with laughter. "This is better than that twelve-hour Sailor Moon special I saw the other week!" she cheered, opening a bag of popcorn.

Ryoga struggled madly. "Please Washu! You can't do this to me! There are laws! Let me go! Little Washu PLEASE!"

Washu halted. "Y-you called me… Little Washu! Oh happy day!"

Whilst the small scientist was floating in a land filled with chirping birds, pink clouds and little crabs (Washu has a crab fetish in case ya didn't know) Ryoga took the chance to bust the tentacled machine and make a break for it. Zooming out of the classroom, he skidded round corners and charged through doors with Washu in hot pursuit…

A few corridors away…

Mathilde smiled cattily at her opponent. "Ah, Ukyo-kun! Fancy seeing you in girls clothing! I really didn't think you knew how to wear it!"

Bitch, Ukyo seethed. She quickly painted a smile on her face. "Better than you, if Ryoga's reaction the other day is any indication."

"Meow! Watch out for those claws!" Mathilde hissed lightly, quickly masking a frown. "You're really campaigning for Bitch of the Year now, aren't you?"

"And as reigning champion are you jealous?" Ukyo shot back.

"Of you? Oh pul-leese. What do you possibly have that I could be jealous of?" Mathilde scoffed.

"Cooking skill, looks, bigger breasts!" Ukyo proclaimed proudly, jutting her chest out. "And of course, Ryoga," she added. It wasn't technically true but that didn't matter so long as Mathilde believed it.

Mathilde scowled. "OBVIOUSLY the only guy a cross-dressing weirdo like you has of nabbing would be one who's even more mixed up than you are!"

Before Ukyo could retaliate, a speeding blur hurled down the corridor, flattening the lilac-haired French girl. Ukyo reached out and snagged it by the back of the collar. "Where are you in such a hurry to get to?" she questioned cheerfully.

"Hide me!" Ryoga hissed in terror.

"I said hide me! Before Washu leaves me looking like Nicholas Cage after they took his face off!"

Ukyo winced. "Gross. Ok… um… in here!" she commanded, shoving him into a cupboard.

Mathilde began to sit up, rubbing her head as she did so, only to flattened once more by Washu. She skidded to a halt in front of Ukyo. "Have you seen Ryoga anywhere?"

"Who, me? Nooo! Of course not!" Ukyo lied.

"That's strange… I'm sure I saw him come this way… Ah well. He's probably in China or something," Washu decided.

"I'll keep an eye out for him," Ukyo promised.

Inside the cupboard, Ryoga sighed with relief and leaned against the wall. Thank you Ukyo! he thought to himself, closing his eyes.

Insey wincey spider, climbing up the wall, One leg forward, eight legs forward - oops! Now watch him fall!

It wouldn't have been so bad if it was a small spider. Like a money-spider. Or even an undersized daddy-long-legs. Unfortunately, this was a daddy-long-legs who enjoyed his meals. Dangling from a long string of web, eight little legs alighted upon Ryoga's shoulders.

There was a pause. Then the door of the cupboard exploded outwards impressively.

Mathilde sat up slowly and eyed the carnage distastefully. Then Hinako-chan ran over her. "What's going on here!"

"S-s-s-s-spider!" Ryoga stuttered from his perch on Ukyo's right shoulder.

"WHAT! Where!"

"In the cupboard," Ukyo informed her dryly.

"AGH! SPIDER! HELP! SAVE ME!" Hinako-chan screamed, jumping up onto Ukyo's left shoulder.

"Do you two MIND! I am NOT an anti-spider perch!"

"Don't let it eat me!" Hinako-chan howled.

"The ink's spread again," Ukyo commented after they'd gotten a safe distance away from the eight-legged horror.

Hinako-chan nodded. "It's on your ears now too… you get any ink on me and I'll report you!"

"It only spreads on me," Ryoga grumbled.

Ukyo hmmed thoughtfully. "I wonder what's making it spread…"

"That is a question that can only be answered by the greatest scientific mind in the galaxy!" Washu cried, popping up behind them and making them all jump. "When I had you attached to the Tenchi-trapper, I inputted data that allowed me to observe the level of chemical activity in your body. I observed that several chemical levels increased when you saw that spider and got scared and they acted as a catalyst with the ink." She leaned in closer. "This means there is something in the ink that causes it to spread when the catalyst is added."

Ryoga and Hinako-chan looked confused. "Say that again,. But this time can you use the version with big writing and pictures?" Hinako-chan asked after a few seconds pause.

"She said that whenever he gets scared, the ink spreads," Ukyo translated. She turned to Washu. "Do you know what's in the ink that makes it spread?"

"No. He escaped before I could look into it," Washu said sadly, before perking up again. "But if you could just hold still for a second…"

"Oh no you don't!" Ryoga cut in, backing away hurriedly. "You're not tying me up any more!"

"But it's so kinky!" Washu joked.

Hinako-chan looked from one to the other. "Can I watch again?"

Unknown to them, a passing student had overheard the tail-end of the conversation and ran off to tell his friends. (I'm a Rumour Weed! Yes it's true! I'm a Rumour Weed! Oo oo oo!)

Ryoga hopped to his feet. "You're not getting me back near that machine!"

"Oh yeah!" Washu hopped to her feet too. The Tentacled-Tenchi-Trapper loomed up behind her. "Get him, TTT!"

Ryoga ran.

10 minutes later…

"I wonder if it's safe yet…" Ryoga wondered, peeking out from behind the tree he was hiding behind. Then another question pooped into his head. "I wonder if I'm still at Furinkan!"

"Well, I've got good news and I've got bad news!"

Ryoga yeeped and spun around. "Mathilde! Are you trying to scare me to death!" he exclaimed irritably.

Mathilde grinned and lolled against the tree trunk. "The good news is you're still in Furinkan. Bad news is, yes, I AM trying to scare you to death." She reached into a pocket and withdrew the biology lab's pet – Terry, the Mexican Red-Kneed Tarantula.

Ryoga froze. "W-where did you get that!"

"What, Terry?" Mathilde asked innocently. "Biology. Of course you won't have met him yet, being a chemistry student yourself. So I think you two should be introduced!"

"G-get that t-thing AWAY from me!"

Mathilde batted her eyelashes at him. "What? Surely a big strong guy like you isn't afraid of a little-well, medium spider?" She held Terry out under his nose, suppressing a snigger when he jumped back. "Something wrong?"

"Ryo- oh, there you are!" Ukyo glanced down. "Why Matilda. Is that your head I'm standing on?"

"Why you lousy, no good sexless testosterone driven OUCH! Let go of my hair, you bitch!"

"Who're you calling sexless, you tart!"

"You, ya flat-chested-"

"FLAT CHESTED! Mine are bigger than yours, you-"

"HA! In your dreams!" Mathilde spat.

"Oh yeah!" Ukyo snarled. "Ryoga, which one of us has the biggest breasts!"

"…WHAT!" Ryoga backed away hurriedly. "Leave me out of this!"

Mathilde looked smug. "It's not like the question even needs to be asked. It's OBVIOUS which of us has the bigger breasts-"

"Of course. Me."

"Feh. As if. You're just jealous 'cause some of us use our bodies-"

"Instead of our brains!"

"Eee! I'll scratch your eyes out!"

Ryoga shook his head slowly. "I think I'd rather take my chances with Washu," he muttered, walking away. Mathilde and Ukyo continued to scuffle in the dirt.

"You know, there's one way to settle this," Mathilde scowled. "Ask boys opinions."

"You sure you can remember all the guys who've seen your breasts?" Ukyo scowled back.

"WHAT DID YOU SAY!"

"YOU HEARD ME!"

Mathilde fumed, then settled down again. "We'll hold a contest. To see who has the better body. Best out of three."

"What kind of contest did you have in mind?" Ukyo asked cautiously.

Mathilde shrugged. "Seeing who can sell the most okonomiyaki with her name on? A swimsuit contest? Seeing who can pick up the most guys in a week? Stuff like that."

Hmm… I can beat her in a swimsuit contest, no problem! And with all these guys my dad's setting me up with, I'm bound to win! She doesn't have to know I'm not really picking them up as long as I date them! "OK Tompson, you're on!" Ukyo said decisively.

Mathilde nodded. "Contest one, a swimsuit contest."

"Contest two, see who can date the most guys in a week," Ukyo added.

Mathilde narrowed her eyes. "Just a moment! How are we going to prove it!"

Ukyo pondered for a moment. "Witnesses?" she suggested slowly.

Mathilde shook her head. "Witnesses can be bribed. How about… their telephone numbers?"

"That'll work. And for the third contest?"

"Oh, I have an idea about that one," Mathilde said sweetly. "Whoever can kiss Ryoga first!"

Ukyo blinked slowly. "ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND!"

"What's the mater, chicken?" Mathilde taunted quickly.

"I'm not chicken!" Ukyo hissed. "You're on!"

End Part VII

PART IIX

Do Ya Think I'm Sexy!

Ukyo lolled back in her throne and plucked a grape from the overflowing tray held by the toga-wearing Italian male slave and let the Egyptian guy on the other side fan her with the giant leaf. Two Canadians (whose names were NOT Terence and Philip, thank you very much!) fought for the right to offer her a glass of red wine as a scantily clad David Duchovney massaged her shoulders. (Oh I like this fantasy! Me next, Mulder-baby!)

Mathilde stumbled through the gold doors, wearing a patchy brown outfit that looked like it had been dragged through an oil slick and holding onto a large stick for support. Her hair had faded to an off-pink colour and stuck out at all angles. "U-Ukyo… please, you can't do this to me any more…" she whined.

"Oh, just watch me, sugar!" Ukyo purred smugly.

"But…"

Ranma burst into the room, wearing (bits of) a fireman's outfit and knelt down in front of her, squashing Mathilde in the process. "Ucchan…" he breathed, taking hold of one of her hands. "I'm sorry I dumped you… can you ever forgive me? I will carry out your every bidding, be at your beck and call… you can consider me your toy if you only give me back the right to cover you with whipped cream and strawberries and lick it all off again…"

Mathilde pushed Ranma off of her and stood up shakily. "You can't…"

Before she could continue, Ryoga ran into the room, (almost) dressed in a policeman's outfit and knelt down at Ukyo's feet, again squashing Mathilde. "Ucchan… I know I've done some silly things in the past, but that's only because I can't think straight when you're around. You're all I can think about and I love you with all my heart." He took hold of her other hand and gazed worshipfully at her. "Please give me another chance… just say the words and I'll be there, and we can do that thing with the chocolate body paint and maple syrup again."

"No way!" Ranma protested. "She'd rather have me lick whipped cream off her!"

"Nu-uh!" Ryoga shook his head. "She'd much prefer to have me lick maple syrup off her!"

"Boys, boys!" Ukyo stood up and held her hand out to one of the guards, who handed her a whip. "Now play nice!"

Ryoga and Ranma turned to face her. "Ukyo, tell us the truth," Ranma said sternly. "Which do you prefer?"

Ukyo froze. "Which… do I… prefer…?" she repeated slowly.

"Yes. Tell us which one you like the best," Ryoga replied, crossing his arms over his chest. "We won't wait forever."

Mathilde limped out of the room. "You were right… you ARE the sexier one," she muttered. Ukyo didn't hear her. Her mind whirled with confusion. Which do I like best! But- but- I don't- I mean, I loved Ranma for ages… so I should choose him, right? But Ryoga's so much nicer to me than Ranma ever was - well, most of the time!

"Come on Ukyo," Ranma growled, tapping his foot. "What'll it be? Whipped cream or maple syrup?"

Ukyo blinked. "You mean which sex-food do I like best!" she asked in disbelief.

"Yes!" they both snapped. Ranma ran forward and grabbed her arm. "Whipped cream, right!"

"No, Maple syrup," Ryoga argued, grabbing her other arm.

"Whipped cream!"

"Maple syrup!"

"WHIPPED CREAM!"

"MAPLE SYRUP!"

"ARGH! STOP IT!" Ukyo screamed, covering her ears…

WHAM

And waking up in her futon in Akane's room with a mallet on her head. "Ouch."

"Shaddup," Akane growled, withdrawing her mallet. "Some of us are trying to sleep!"

Ukyo rubbed her skull and mused for a moment. "Akane?"

"What?"

"Which do you like best, whipped cream or maple syrup?"

"Whipped cream. Now go to sleep!"

Ukyo nodded slowly. "Thought so."

"Surprise!" Kasumi chirped, exiting the kitchen. "I made western style pancakes!"

"Hurray!" Keiko cheered. "I love pancakes!"

"Me too," Ryoga replied, licking his lips and spearing several with his fork. "Mr Tendo, could you pass me the maple syrup?"

Ukyo dropped her plate, stunned. All eyes swivelled to stare at her and she giggled guiltily. "Oopsy."

"WAHHHH! I'll have no plates LEFT at this rate! OH THE HUMANITY!"

"Oh grow up, daddy," Nabiki muttered. "Pass me the syrup when you're done with it, Ryoga."

Ukyo sat up slowly and stared vacantly at the pancakes, maple syrup pooling lazily down the sides, oozing into the dip as the knife cut into then, watching as Ryoga stabbed the small slice and lifted it to his mouth…

"Yo, space-out!" Nabiki prodded her in the side and jumped backwards as the younger girl shrieked and dropped the plate shards. "I only asked you if you wanted maple syrup," she muttered.

"Uh, sure! Why not!" Ukyo squeaked nervously. Out the corner of her eye she watched Ryoga lick a bit of runaway syrup off his wrist and she quickly screwed her eyes shut. Hentai!

"Kuo-Tendo, are you paying attention!"

Ukyo stopped staring out of the window and snapped out of her trance. "Uh… yes, Mr Aioshima!"

"Then would you like to answer the question, please?" The history teacher fixed her with an expectant gaze.

"Oh. Yeah. Sure thing." The young chef unfortunately had no idea what he was talking about, having spent the entire lesson trying not to think about a certain young man drenched in maple syrup, with little success.

She jumped as Ryoga whispered in her ear. "Oh! Tom Hanks!" she said confidently. Ryoga groaned. Mathilde snickered and raised her hand.

"Yes, Tara-Thompkinson. Maybe you'd like to tell us whose name appears first on the Declaration of Independence."

"John Hancock," Mathilde said smugly.

Ukyo turned around and glared at him. "I knew that!" she hissed. "Why did you tell me Tom Hanks!"

"I said John Hancock! You need a hearing aid!" Ryoga hissed back.

"You two. I believe you know where the buckets are."

Ukyo finally managed to shove the strange fantasy to the back of her mind and glared at her companion. "This is your fault, you know," she muttered.

Ryoga's inky-black tail twitched. "MY fault!" he asked, slightly incredulous. "How!"

Ukyo sniffed haughtily and glared at him. "Because-" she faltered suddenly. She could hardly tell him he'd been distracting her in a daydream! "Because it is, that's why!" she finished decisively.

"Fine. Whatever." Ryoga leaned back against the wall sulkily and scowled.

Ukyo glanced at him, noticing that his expression and dark green eyes only helped to make him look even more feline than before. "That ink sort of suits you," she said aloud.

Ryoga blinked and gaped at her. "What?"

"I said it kinda suits you," Ukyo repeated. "I hate to say it, but that git Yoshi actually picked a pretty good animal to doodle on you."

"…You said I looked like a complete twat."

"It doesn't actually look all that bad - and it's not like he gave you a pig snout or something…"

Ryoga simmered, the anger towards his old curse rising up. "Are you saying you think I'm a pig!" he snarled.

"No! I-I'm just saying it could've been a lot worse! You look cute as a cat!"

Ryoga keeled over. "WHAT!"

"Ak! I-I didn't say that!"

"You did," he pointed out. A hopeful smile flickered around his mouth. "Did… did you mean that?" he whispered.

Ukyo scowled. "Sure. Dream on, kitty!"

"Hmph." Ryoga slumped against the wall again, wondering how on earth he was supposed to get rid of this dumb tail and deciding that whoever it was who'd decided that women were from Venus was right. He was beginning to wish they'd stayed there too. Scratch coming back as a sparrow in his next life. Amoebas had it a lot easier. Or maybe Algae. That sounded good too.

Ukyo glanced sideways at him again. He actually did look pretty cute as a cat but that didn't mean she preferred him to be one. "Watcha thinking about?" she asked casually.

"Amoebas," he answered without thinking.

Ukyo blinked slowly. "O-K." One day I'll understand you, Ryoga Hibiki. But it looks like it won't be today.

Ryoga trudged along... some road, kicking up gutter trash that was in his way. After being spider-setup again my Mathilde, his ears had turned blacker and he'd run away trying not to scream until he was out of school. Problem, was, he didn't know where he was now and his ears were still black. He'd toyed with the idea of doing down on his knees and begging Ukyo to phone Yoshi, but she'd said earlier that she had a date tonight and to tell Kasumi not to fix her any dinner. Sure. It was fine for her to go out on dates, she wasn't the one with whiskers. He scowled to himself, knowing that his whiskers didn't bother him that much unless people pulled them to see if they were real. It bothered him more that Ukyo was going out on a date with a strange guy and actually seemed enthusiastic about it. He kicked a Pepsi can into a telephone pole (which buckled and fell down behind him) and scowled some more. "This sucks."

"Oh my gosh! Darien, is that tail real!"

Ryoga whipped around and stared at the black cat sitting on a dustbin. "Salem?"

The cat blinked slowly. "Um... you're not Darien, are you?"

"No. You're not Salem either," Ryoga concluded, twirling a whisker. "You're a girl."

"Oops." The cat debated whether or not to hightail it out of the area when Mina skidded around the corner and nearly tripped over the fallen lamppost. "Luna! Don't run off like that!" she scolded, picking up the black cat. Then she caught sight of Ryoga.

Twelve seconds of complete silence passed by.

Then she started laughing.

"Go ahead. Laugh," Ryoga muttered. "I'm getting used to it now."

"I'm sorry!" Mina giggled. "It's just, you look so funny!"

"Thank you. May my misery be for the amusement of all." Ryoga turned his back on her and continued playing football with the trash.

Mina blinked and jogged after him. "What's up with you? You're not usually this grumpy..."

"I'm/ he's not Darien," Luna and Ryoga informed her.

Mina clapped her hands over her mouth. "Oh I'm sorry! I thought you were someone else! I would never have laughed if I'd known! I'd probably have just stared for a while," she babbled.

"That makes me feel so much better," Ryoga lied.

"Well now that's sorted, we'd better go," Luna ordered. "Bye!"

"Don't be so heartless, Luna!" Mina scolded. "We can't just leave him like this, it must be soooooo embarrassing!"

"It is," Ryoga muttered under his breath.

Luna sighed the sigh reserved for sighing at the clinically stupid. "I've seen this sort of thing before. What you need to do is confront your fear."

Spiders creeped across Ryoga's mind. "W-what if I can't?" he gulped.

"The ink will spread until it covers your entire body."

"...Then what?" Mina asked curiously.

"Nothing. He'll just look even sillier than he already does," Luna finished cheerfully.

"Good luck with that," Mina said with a smile. "Bye now."

Ryoga blinked slowly as they walked away. "Thanks for all the help!"

End Part IIX

PART IX

A Boring Bit In The Middle.

"I am sooooo interested in Martial Arts Breakdancing," Ukyo lied.

The skinhead opposite her grinned. "Not many girls are," he told her, before launching into a tactical description of the moves involved. Ukyo tried to stay awake.

"Oh my, is that the time?" she pouted. "I have to go now."

"But it's only six o'clock," he protested.

"Early curfew. It was either that or choose being grounded for two weeks," she lied smoothly. "But can I have your number? I'll give you a call."

"Sure. Just let me write it down."

Score one for the good guys!

"What ARE you doing?" Akane asked finally.

Ryoga pointed across the Dojo floor. "Y-you s-see that spider over t-there?" he asked through gritted teeth.

"You want me to get rid of it?"

"No. I'm going to go over there and pick it up," he explained. "If I can overcome my fear of spiders, the ink'll go away. The cat told me."

"Sure, Ryoga. Do whatever your Rice Krispies tell you to," Akane said sarcastically.

"It's worth a try, isn't it!" he snapped irritably.

Akane mused over that for a moment. "But you've just been sitting there," she pointed out.

"I'm going to do it in stages," he told her, sighing glumly. "At the moment I'm still trying to stop shuddering in fear."

"I'll help you!" she said happily. With that, she jogged across the Dojo and picked it up, then walked back.

Ryoga skitted backwards hurriedly. "T-t-that's c-c-close enough!"

Akane scowled. "I'm three meters away."

"Th-three meters too close!"

"Oh don't be such a wimp!" She held out her hands and sighed with exasperation as he jumped backwards. "Just come over here and touch it."

Ryoga laughed a laugh that bordered on the slightly hysterical. "There is no way you're getting me to touch that!"

"You want to get over this stupid fear don't you?" Akane snarled. "You wanna be a real man! Get over here and touch it!"

"No way."

Akane stamped her foot, her volatile temper rising steadily. "You're not setting a foot out of this Dojo until you do as I tell you," she warned him advancing steadily.

Ryoga backed away until he had his back against the wall. "Please Akane I've changed my mind I don't wanna do this any more..." he whimpered, digging his fingers into the wood behind him.

"Don't wanna do what?"

The two teens turned and faced Nabiki, one face registering irritation and the other intense relief. Ryoga took the chance to flee and cowered behind the elder Tendo girl. "S-she's trying to g-get me to t-touch the spider," he hissed.

"She's WHAT!" Nabiki exclaimed in horror, dropping her tape recorder and leaping to the relative safety of Ryoga's arms. "Get it AWAY!"

"All right already," Akane muttered, flicking the spider out of a window. "What did you think we were doing?"

"Something kinky," Nabiki admitted. "I wasn't going to blackmail you or anything though," she added hastily. "Gosh, is that the time? I have STUFF to do!"

"Do you know where I could get a pet lemur?"

Ryoga looked up from his homework and blinked slowly at his sister. "A pet what?"

"Lemur," she repeated innocently.

He blinked again. "Why on earth would you want a pet lemur?"

The door opened with a bang and Ukyo strode in, a fake grin pasted on her face. "I sure had fun tonight! What did you do?"

"Homework," Ryoga replied, trying not to rise to the bait. Keiko muttered something under her breath that could've been 'piss off' but he couldn't be certain.

"We went to see a movie and had dinner at that new sushi place downtown," she continued, neglecting to mention that it had been with a different guy each time. A small smirk began to creep across her face as his tail stiffened angrily.

"Great. I'm glad you had a good time," he said with fake cheerfulness.

"If I had a pet lemur I could train it to bite people I didn't like," Keiko said loudly.

"That I don't doubt for a second," Ukyo muttered. "Could you buzz off squirt? I'm trying to talk to your brother."

"I'm asking him a question," Keiko retaliated. She turned her attention back to Ryoga. "So can I have a pet lemur?"

"I'll think about it," Ryoga lied.

"I was with Roshi, he's a master of Martial Arts Origami," Ukyo continued lightly. "He folded the menu into a bird and it chased the waitress around the restaurant. It was so funny!"

"Really? I guess you had to be there." Ryoga flicked over the page in his exercise book and continued writing.

"Can I have a pet penguin then?" Keiko cut in quickly.

"Nope."

"He made me a paper rose out of a napkin AND brought me a bracelet!"

"I couldn't be happier for you."

"How about a pet rat?"

"And he- a pet rat! GROSS!"

The pen shattered in Ryoga's hand and he turned around slowly. "If you two don't mind, I am stuck on question 3b and I would like a little quiet in which to concentrate," he said through gritted teeth, ignoring the ink that was running down his hand. "And no Keiko, you can not have a pet rat. We already have a dog with five puppies."

Sensing the tension in the air, the two girls guiltily edged towards the door. Keiko paused at the door frame. "A pet lizard?"

"OUT!"

"Hiya, Ukyo."

Ukyo looked up, her face showing extreme suspicion. "That's it? Ukyo? Not fat old slapper or ugly cow or grotbag? Do you feel well!"

Keiko smiled sweetly. "I feel fine." She settled down on the sofa next to Ukyo, hugging a plush teddy. "Did you have lots of fun on your date?"

Ukyo frowned. "What do you care?"

"Just curious." The little girl smiled innocently. "Was he cute?"

"Well..."

"Could he fight good?"

"Uh..."

"Didja kiss him?"

"NO!"

"Why?" Keiko asked, a shifty look in her eyes.

"Because... because... it was the first date!" Ukyo spluttered. "What on earth is up with you!"

"I'm just trying to be friendly," Keiko pouted, her eyes shimmering. "What's wrong with that?"

The fact that you made it clear you hated me from the moment I saw you standing in the doorway? Ukyo thought to herself. Instead of making her feelings clear however, she simply grinned back. "Nothing. But how about you go to bed now? It's getting late."

"OK, Auntie Ukyo!" Keiko gave her a fanged grin and skipped out of the room.

Akane slowly lowered her book. "AUNTIE Ukyo? What brought that on?"

"I dunno. It worries me how a poisonous little monster like that can look so innocent..." Ukyo mused, curling a strand of hair around a finger.

"I think she's quite sweet actually. Maybe you gave her a bar of chocolate and forgot," Akane suggested before Ukyo could give her grief about the 'sweet' remark. "You know how kids are with chocolate."

"I guess," the other girl said uncertainly. "I just don't trust that child..."

The vacant lot early next morning... VERY early... (Hey, it works for everyone else!)

"So show me the numbers," Mathilde ordered, holding out a hand with a slip of paper in it.

Ukyo took the slip of paper and calmly scanned the two phone numbers. "Good. But not good enough," she smirked, holding out another slip of paper.

Mathilde unfolded it. "FIVE! How did you get five phone numbers!" she exclaimed.

"I didn't spend the entire night with each guy?" she said innocently.

Mathilde glared darkly at her. "Very funny," she snapped, walking away. As soon as she was out of sight, she pulled a cell phone out of her bag and dialled the first number. "Hi, is that Akira? I'm a friend of Ukyo's... you went out with her last night? Well what are you doing tonight then?"

"Nabiki, could you help me?"

Nabiki glanced up from her notebook to Ukyo. "That depends on what it is and whether I have to move from this spot in the next half hour."

Ukyo pulled out a chair and sat down next to her. "I need your help to set up a swimsuit competition between me and the Parisian Parasite."

With a slight sigh, the elder girl closed her notebook. "May I ask what the purpose is of a swimsuit competition with whom I assume is Mathilde?"

"She... uh..." Ukyo blushed slightly. "She challenged me to find out which of us is sexier..."

"Is this is something to do with your sudden enthusiasm to actually date these weirdoes your dad managed to dig up? No offence but I think Ranma was an improvement," Nabiki pointed out seriously.

Ukyo smiled shiftily. "Might be, might not. Maybe I want to play the field."

"With a Martial Arts Candle-Maker?" Nabiki asked innocently.

Ukyo placed her palms on the table and leaned forward. "Are you going to help me or not?"

"Sure. It could be fun," Nabiki decided simply. "Now about this I'm-sexier-than-you-are thing..."

Two more days passed by pretty much uneventful for Nerima...

End Part IX

PART X

Fnahagrhah. OK, I can't think of a title. Sue me.

"WHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTT!"

Shockwaves travelled from the epicentre of the wail, shattering every window in the district, setting off car alarms and leaving everyone with a horrible ringing noise in the ears.

Just kidding. The only thing that happened was that Mathilde Tara-Thompkinson clapped her hands over her ears and winced. "Watch it, would you!"

Ukyo stared at the piece of paper in horror and sagged to her knees. "This can't be real! Fifty-three telephone numbers!"

Mathilde smiled smugly. "Oh don't be so hard on yourself. Twenty-nine wasn't bad. And although I seriously doubt it, you still have a chance to win."

Ukyo stared at the floor. The two other challenges... The swimsuit one she could win. But the other one? She couldn't do it...

"I guess I'm just sexier after all," Mathilde gloated, turning her back on the other girl.

Ukyo narrowed her eyes and imagined large chemical burns on her. I will WIN this challenge, you rat-fink! Just you wait...

"Ladies, gentlemen and aquatransexuals!"

"I wish she wouldn't call us that," Ranma grumbled.

In the middle of the cafeteria, Nabiki continued. "We have a treat for you today! NO CAFETERIA FOOD!"

Deafening cheers echoed around the room and Nabiki bowed. "We have for you today, OKONOMIYAKI, made by Nerima's finest chefs. Buy from the one you like best!"

Doors at opposite ends of the room opened, revealing Mathilde in a highly fetching black bikini and Ukyo in an indecent silver leopard-print one. Each held a tray of okonomiyaki aloft.

Amidst the catcalls (and boos from some of the girls), Nabiki raised her microphone again. "And next week girls, we'll see if we can get some firemen in!"

The girls in the room cheered loudly. "That could be fun," Akane said gleefully. She glanced sideways at Ranma. "Oh and if you buy from Mathilde, you're dead."

Ranma ignored her. "What is up with those two?" he muttered, enjoying the view.

"Don't ask me. I have NO desire to find out what's going through that girl's mind," Ryoga muttered, twirling a whisker.

"I HEARD THAT!" Ukyo snarled, popping up behind him. She smiled sweetly. "But I'll forgive you if you buy an okonomiyaki!"

"And the winner by a landslide is... Ukyo," Nabiki read aloud.

"Yay! In your face, Paris Chick!"

Mathilde fumed. "That's chic, you uncultured swine! And you haven't won yet!" She pointed skyward and fireworks exploded behind her. "I'm going to kiss Ryoga before-"

"You're what!" Nabiki asked sharply. "THAT'S the third challenge!" She smirked and stood up. "This I have to see!"

Ukyo stuck her tongue out at Mathilde. "You don't have a chance. He hates your guts."

"You think that matters?" Mathilde shot back, edging towards the door. She smirked. "I have an ace up my sleeve." She darted towards the door and slammed it shut. "Plus, I have the key to this room!"

"LET ME OUT!" Ukyo hollered, hammering against the door.

Nabiki yawned. "Ukyo, there is an incredible invention behind you. It's known as a window. You can see through it. An in the case of flood, fire and insane French girls locking you in classrooms, they can be used as a means of escape."

"Enough with the sarcasm," Ukyo snarled, lifting up a table and throwing at the glass. "I'm not in the mood."

"Then you won't want me to point out that you could've just opened that window," Nabiki drawled.

"..." Ukyo stared at her.

"..." Nabiki replied. "Are we going or not?"

"We're going."

Knocking the broken glass out of the window frame, Ukyo jumped up onto the sill and slid daintily out of the window, landing lightly on the grass. Nabiki crouched on the sill, leaned forward and toppled over, landing heavily on the other girl. "Oops." They began to jog around to the back entrance. "Just out of curiosity, what happens if Mathilde wins this challenge? She gets Ryoga to be her slave again? You sell your business? You have to bungee jump naked out of a helicopter?"

Ukyo skidded to a halt and frowned. "I don't think we actually decided on anything," she admitted.

There was a short pause.

"So your telling me that there is no point in this?" Nabiki asked calmly. "You dated those wackos and paraded around the most perverted guys in Nerima wearing a silver leopard-print bikini that would be too indecent for Playboy and for what? The right to say 'Nya nya! I'm sexier than you!' at every available opportunity?"

Ukyo grinned weakly. "It would appear so..."

Nabiki thought for a second. "Are you still going to try and kiss Ryoga before Mathilde does?"

"Um... yes?"

"Why?" She folded her arms and waited for Ukyo's answer.

"Because you're jealous? Because he might like her better? Because you fancy him and would rather rip her eyes out than watch them in lip-lock?"

"NO!" Ukyo exclaimed. "Because... because... because I have to prove I'm sexier than her or she'll never shut up about it!" Although it could be fun, she added mentally.

Nabiki shrugged. "Works for me too. Let's go!"

"...Save thee, friend, and thy music: dost thou live by the tabor... tabor? What the heck's a tabor? Why didn't somebody stab William Shakespeare with a fountain pen nib before he wrote this?" Ryoga muttered with a scowl.

"It is the east! And Juliet the sun!"

Ryoga yelped and jumped backwards. Mathilde giggled. "But I think you'd make a far more dashing Romeo than a Juliet," she added, letting go of the top of the door frame and landing neatly on her feet.

"It's Twelfth Night," Ryoga corrected. "And Hiroshi or Daisuke would disagree with you on the Juliet thing," he added under his breath, before trying to walk past her.

Mathilde stepped into his path. "I think I prefer the Twelve Days of Christmas, don't you?" she asked sweetly, holding up a piece of mistletoe. "Merry Christmas!"

Ryoga quickly switched into reverse. "No way on Earth!" he hissed, holding his hands up in the traditional 'get the hell away from me!' position.

"Something wrong?" Mathilde purred, inching forward. "One little kissy and I won't bother you again."

"Absolutely not," Ryoga said firmly. "I'd rather kiss-"

A small dagger pointed at his neck. "Yes?" Mathilde asked innocently.

"Umm...Catherine Zeta-Jones?" he squeaked.

Mathilde twitched dangerously. "Are you saying I'm fat and fancy ancient, crinkly old men!"

"Huh?" Ryoga frowned. "Oh, that's right. She's due to give birth and about to marry Michael Douglas. Sorry. Well, bye."

(Just to let you know, a few days later, Miss Zeta-Jones gave birth to a baby boy, but I can't be bothered to alter this.)

Mathilde snagged the back of his collar. "And just where do you think you're going!

"Ak." He wriggled slightly until he could breath. "English. I have a test. If I'm late, Hinako will fry me and I'll be unconscious and get an F," he explained.

"Oooo... F for French kiss!" Mathilde cooed, sliding her arms around him.

"Ummm... no, F for Fail. Gee, would you look at the time!" Ducking under her arms, he twisted free and sped down the corridor.

"Not so fast! Get back here, you!"

Crashing noises

"Oww..."

"Oh hi, Ryoga... Ryoga!" Nabiki stepped back. "Ukyo was just looking for you."

Ukyo glared at her. "I hate you," she hissed, stepping forward and pasting a large fake smile on her face. "Ryoga! How good to see you!"

"Liar." He sat up and gingerly rubbed his head. "What were you looking for me for?"

Ukyo gave Nabiki the evil eye. "I was just thinking about when you saved me from that creep Yoshi and I thought I should repay you," she purred.

Ryoga's eyes lit up with hope. "You're going to call him and make him get this ink off of me?"

"I can think of other ways to say thanks," she smirked, stepping closer.

He stepped back hastily. "You've been around Urd again, haven't you?" he asked accusingly.

"No-"

"Shampoo?"

"No, I-"

"A hypnotist?"

"Oh would you just shut up and let me kiss you!" Ukyo snapped, stamping her foot.

"DON'T YOU DARE!" The foot of Mathilde connected with the side of Ukyo's face, sending her flying across the corridor. The enraged French girl sent her a look of pure venom. "If anyone is going to kiss Ryoga, it's going to be me!"

"Oh fuck off, you revolting little whore!"

"WHAT DID YOU CALL ME!"

Bitch fight at fifty yards!

Ryoga watched the carnage with interest. "Has Washu been using them as test subjects again?" he asked in interest.

"That information is restricted," Nabiki mumbled, jotting a few notes. "Remind me never to get on Ukyo's bad side, OK?"

Ryoga nodded, wincing in sympathy as someone's leg was bent in new directions. "I'm going now," he muttered to himself. "Maybe after class has ended they'll feel better."

"Oh we feel fine, sweetheart," Ukyo purred as she swung from his neck. Although her black eye made the statement rather difficult to believe.

"Yup. I know what I'm feeling is pretty good," Mathilde cooed, running her fingers along his arm and ignoring the blood dripping down her chin.

"Ak!"

There was a horribly loud ripping noise and the two femme fatales blinked down at the school jacket in their hands before setting off after the crashing noises. Nabiki almost fell over, cackling with laughter. "I'll get the blood bank on standby, OK!"

Skidding around another corner and almost running down the hall monitor, Ryoga switched his brain to overdrive. (Painful.) The only reasons he could come up with for Mathilde and Ukyo's behaviour was

a: They'd been possessed by ghosts - except the school had finally called in an exorcist after the last pupil possession,

b: They'd been zapped by mind controlling alien rays - except if aliens had that kind of power they'd be more likely to use it on world leaders,

c: They'd been affected by another stupid love potion - except that would be overkill and

d: They were in competition. Again.

It would appear that once again I get to be prize of the week, he concluded dismally. Deep in thought, he almost missed the mop that was in his path. However, the bucket next to the mop gave him an idea...

"There he is!"

Picking up the bucket, he quickly upturned it over himself and gloated inwardly as the two girls screeched to a halt and stared at her. "Nyahaha! Aversion tactics! You can't kiss me now," Ryoga-chan mocked gleefully, hopping from foot to foot in delight.

"Well look at that," Nabiki said in respectful awe. "Ryoga isn't as stupid as he looks."

Mathilde scowled. "No-one could be as stupid as he looks."

End Part X

My notes

OK, I admit it. I cannot for the life of me remember what I was planning to do with this and now I have ended up with this... this... SOAP OPERA on my hands! But that doesn't mean I'm going to stop...