A/N: Thanks all. You're amazing!
Chapter Four – A Real Conversation
Luke spend the rest of the afternoon with April. They watched a movie, and Luke told her some stories about Lorelai and Rory. Luke knew it would take a lot for him and Lorelai to get back together, but he knew he still loved her and he learned that he could forgive her for the mistakes she made. He only hoped she could forgive him for the mistakes he made.
After dinner rush, he left April with Lane in the diner. Lane promised she would stay with April until he was home, even though April told him a hundred times that she's home alone all the time. With the shoe box and a bag with diner food and coffee he walked towards Lorelai's house. He thought about driving his truck, but was afraid she wouldn't open her door for him if she saw his truck coming.
He was happy to see her jeep parked at her regular spot under the tree. And he knew she was home, because the lights were on in the living room. He climbed the steps to her front porch and rang the doorbell. He waited for her to open the door and didn't realize he was holding his breath until she opened the door and he let it go.
"Luke?"
"Hey."
"What are you doing here?"
"I brought you some food."
She took the bag from him. "Thanks." She looked at his hands and noticed the box. "What's that?"
"Something April found in the back of my closet. It belongs to you."
She looked uncomfortable, not knowing whether to invite him in or not.
"Can we talk?" He saw her doubts and hoped he could help her make a choice.
"Uh, sure." She stepped aside to let him in. They walked towards the living room together and each sat down at opposite ends of the couch. As far away from each other as possible.
Luke felt her discomfort. "You can eat your burger first if you want. And there's also coffee in there."
She looked up at him. "Thanks."
She opened the bag and took out the cup. She took a big sip and sighed in relief. "I missed that."
He watched as she ate her burger and her fries and when she finished her food, he handed her the box.
"Here."
"What's in it?"
"Open it."
Lorelai was surprised he wanted to talk to her after everything that happened, but now he was not only bringing her food, but a gift as well. She tried not to think any of it, because she knew she couldn't handle the disappointment. Not again. With shaking hands she took the lid of the box and gasped when she saw the yellow boots. She looked up at Luke, her eyes questioning.
"They've been in the bottom of my closet for over a year. They came in after we broke up and I couldn't bring myself to give them to you. After we got back together, I forgot about them. I forgot I had them, until April showed them to me yesterday evening. I wanted you to have them."
She looked back at the box, and let her hands trace the yellow rubber. Without looking up she said. "I don't understand."
"What?"
"I don't understand why you give them to me now."
"Because they're yours."
"But we've broken up again Luke. And this time it's so much worse than last time."
He stared at his knees now. "I know."
"So why?" She glanced at her side where he was sitting.
He looked at her and their gazes met. "I saw the video."
Not understand where he was talking about now, she shook her head.
"After April found the boots I told her the story. About why I bought them and why I never gave them to you. When I went to the bank the next day, she went to Lane and asked her about you and me. Lane told her some things and showed her the tape of her wedding. She gave it to April who put it in the VCR. Then she tricked me into watching it."
Looking away again, she said, "My speech."
Luke nodded, and when he realized she wasn't looking at him, he said, "Yes."
"You weren't supposed to see that."
"Why not?"
"Because it was the most embarrassing moment I ever had in my life. Well, until then at least." She sighed.
"I had no idea you were so unhappy. I was so caught up in myself, that I didn't see what it was doing to you."
She slowly shook her head. "It doesn't matter now."
"Only if you don't want it to."
That made her look up again.
"I'm sorry for the way I hurt you Lorelai. And I'm even more sorry for never seeing it. I didn't realize that you thought we were never getting married. I didn't realize you gave up."
Before she realized it, and had the chance to stop it, her eyes filled with tears.
"I never wanted to give up. I just, the longer it took, the more you pulled away from me, the more I started to believe it was never going to happen." She wiped at her eyes.
He nodded. "I know that now. I just, I wish you would have said something. I didn't realize what a jerk I've been until I saw the look on your face at the wedding video."
"Maybe that says enough Luke. You were so caught up in your own new life, that you forgot about the one you already had. You forgot about me. And I really tried to give you all the space you needed, but it was just too much. I know now that I should have said something. And I know that it was a mistake. I know that I was jealous as much as I didn't want to be. You just found out you had a daughter, a daughter you hadn't known for over 12 years. I wanted to be supportive and let you deal with it by yourself, but it hurt Luke. It hurt that you didn't come to me. It hurt that you kept it from me for two whole months. It hurt that the whole town met her, while I wasn't allowed to come to the diner."
He had to close his eyes when he saw how much pain he caused her.
"I'm so sorry Lorelai. I wish things were different."
"Me too. I'm so sorry Luke. I'm sorry for not saying something. I'm sorry for pushing you that night, for doing what I did."
"For months I thought that you wanted to be with him. But Lane said you haven't talked to him in months. And neither has Rory."
"I haven't. He took advantage of me, Luke. I know I was there as much as he was, but I was vulnerable and I went to him only because I needed a friend. The truth is, he wanted to get back together with me. He expected it even. When I said it was a mistake and that it didn't mean anything he was hurt and mad."
She tried to gauge Luke's reaction when she told him this. From the look on his face, she knew she had to continue.
"But I was pissed off. I ruined the best relationship I ever had. Even though I hadn't been happy in months, I still loved you and no matter what, I wanted to marry you. The moment I opened my eyes and found out I was in bed next to him, I knew I blew that chance forever."
Luke swallowed hard at this, trying hard not to picture what she was telling him.
She heard his reaction, but knew she had to continue now.
"In a way it's not fair that I blame him for what happened, but he could and should have stopped it. That's why Rory is mad at him and that's why I haven't seen or spoken to him in months. I realized something I should have realized twenty years ago. The only person he ever thought about was himself. He never thought about me, or Rory and how he affected everything in our lives. I'd rather be alone for the rest of my life, than spend one more second with him."
He shook his head. "You can't shut him out of your life. You should know that by now."
"I know I thought that before. But I thought he changed. He wanted to do something for me, and I refused that because I was with you and I was planning on spending the rest of my life with you. But he wanted to do something for Rory as well."
"And that's exactly why you can't cut him out of your life Lorelai. He's paying for her school. He wants to go to her graduation. You can't not go to your daughter's college graduation because her father is going to be there. Or what about her wedding and all the other important moments in her life?"
"What part of Rory cutting him out of her life didn't you get Luke? My parents are paying for Yale again. She went to them after she found out what happened and since they still had the money they decided to pay for her tuition rather than donating it to the school as a new science building. They were a little sad that the Rory Gilmore Science Building wasn't going to be there, but they got over it."
He had no idea what building she was talking about, but he liked that Emily and Richard were paying Rory's tuition again. He felt angry again, but when he really looked at Lorelai, he saw how bad she looked. He stared at her intently and didn't realize how uncomfortable that made her feel.
"You have to take better care of yourself. You don't look so good."
She looked guilty. "It'll be okay. I just need some time. A lot of time. It's hard to get out of bed in the morning, and it's even harder to get back in there at night. The first few weeks I slept in Rory's bed, but when she came home for the summer, I had no choice but to go back upstairs. I just have a little trouble sleeping alone in the bed that was supposed to be ours. To see my big bedroom and the bathroom. To see the stuff we picked out together, and knowing that I'll be the only one using it." She looked at him. "It's hard for me to sit here next to you Luke, knowing that we'll never be."
He looked her directly in the eyes. "Why did you do it?"
"Do what?"
"Why did you sleep with him?"
She shook her head. "I don't know. I remember walking away after our discussion and I felt so lost. I had nowhere to go. I couldn't go to Rory because Logan had just left to go to London for a year, so she had her own pain. I already had been to Sookie's the day before and she shouldn't have to deal with my problems. She's busy enough with taking care of Jackson and her two kids, and making sure our kitchen runs smoothly.
And I definitely couldn't go home. I couldn't face the house we were supposed to life in together, knowing I would be only one living there. I just couldn't. And I had just seen Chris at my parent's dinner so I had him still on my mind. I don't remember driving my car towards his place. I don't remember ringing his doorbell and going inside. I remember sitting next to him, crying my eyes about because of what happened. The next thing I know was waking up in his bed."
He looked at her, disgusted. "How did you ended up there?"
"Part of me wishes I knew, because then I could have stopped it. But part of me is happy that I don't remember, because Luke, there's no other guy I want to be with but you. That's the truth."
"I don't know how to believe that."
"I understand. Part of me can't even believe it. I'm so sorry Luke. For everything."
He nodded and looked at her intently. He once again noticed her appearance. It seemed as if she hadn't slept in weeks. She seemed exhausted and he knew he looked the exact same way. He too had trouble sleeping at night. He heard the talks around town. He noticed how certain people avoided the diner, afraid of getting yelled at or that he would throw them out. If it wasn't for Lane and Caesar, he couldn't be sure to still have a business. And as he looked at her he saw how she was beating herself up. And he knew she told him the truth. Plus, she wasn't the only one who made mistakes. He knew that now. "I can forgive you, if you can forgive me."
Her lip started to quiver. "Don't say that Luke. I cheated on you. I hurt you more than I ever thought possible. I can't even forgive myself. How could you ever forgive me."
"Because I love you."
She shook her head. "I don't know if that's enough. I loved you more than I ever thought possible. You're the only guy I've ever loved, and still, it wasn't enough."
"It is if we let it be."
"I don't know if I can Luke. I don't know if I can let you back in my life, because I know I can't handle having my heart broken again. I know it will kill me."
He nodded, understanding. "I'm going to leave you alone now. I hope you can forgive me for the mistakes I made. I know I forgave you. Not right after I saw the video, but when I talked to Lane and April afterwards. And even more now that we talked. I realize now what I jerk I've been all those months, and I want nothing more than to make up for that. I want you to meet April. I want you to be a part of her life. I want nothing more than that."
"What about Anna?"
"April says she was jealous. She overheard the conversation you had with Anna at her store that day. The things Anna said were only to make you feel less confident about yourself. I was an idiot for letting Anna control my life the way she did. I should have known that as April's father, I have rights. She can't keep me away from April and she can't tell me who can and can not be around her. Especially not when that person is my fiancée."
"Anna is just worried about April. I kept all my boyfriends away from Rory when she was little. It wasn't until I dated Max that I let Rory in and look how that turned out. She was old enough to understand, but she still ended up getting hurt. And that's what Anna's doing. She wants to protect April and that's what a good mother does."
"I never said that Anna isn't a good mother, because she is. She loves April more than anything else, and she believes she does the right things. But she has to learn that April is old enough to understand. That she's old enough to meet new people and they might walk out of her life at some point, but that will only make her stronger. But I don't want to let you go Lorelai. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want to marry you and it'd be nice to have one or two kids of our own. I know that we have a lot to work out, but I know we can. I know that."
He stood up without giving her the chance to reply. He kneeled down in front of her and took her head in his hands. Then he pressed his lips against hers and let them linger there for a few seconds before pulling back. "I love you Lorelai. Never forget that." And with that, he walked away.
T.B.C.