Chapter Eight - Broken Bones Don't Hurt as Much as Broken Hearts

"You were all the things I thought I knew, and I thought we could be. You were everything, everything that I wanted. We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it. And all of our memories so close to me just fade away. All this time you were pretending. So much for my happy ending." - Avril Lavigne, "My Happy Ending"

Deciding to take a walk before retiring to her quarters, Evie let her feet lead her through the halls of Atlantis. She paused, however, when she saw Sheppard standing alone, looking over the edge of the balcony. He had a cup of coffee in his hand and seemed to be fascinated with the sea. "Mind if I join you?" she asked softly, walking out onto the balcony.

"Be my guest," Sheppard replied, recognizing her voice and continuing to watch the reflection of the stars on the choppy surface of the ocean. "I was kind of hoping you might," he commented as she came up beside him, folding her arms and resting them on the railing.

"Why? So we can have yet another sexless tryst?" she teased.

"Well, you know," he said with an easy grin, "it doesn't have to be that way…"

She playfully whacked the back of his head. "No," she turned him down. Again. "I'm for hubby and hubby alone."

"Yes, ma'am," he said, holding up his hands in mock surrender. He set his coffee cup on the railing and turned to her. "But I'm sure he wouldn't mind if I just stole a kiss or two, would he?" he asked, gently cupping her face in his hands.

Glancing around to make sure no one was watching them, Evie smiled. "I think that would be permissible." Sheppard gently nuzzled his nose against hers for several seconds, something he knew she loved, before pressing his lips to hers. Evie's eyes fluttered shut and she slowly brought a hand up to his face. He was taking things slower this time and as he gently took control of the kiss, Evie melted into his arms.

When he pulled away a minute later, Evie muttered, "I hate it when you do that."

"Why?"

"Because it makes me feel like throwing rules and regulations out the window," she sighed.

Sheppard grinned. "I hoped it might." Again making sure that no one was watching them, he reached into his pocket and retrieved a small something before getting down on one knee.

"John, don't…" Evie breathed, bringing a hand to her mouth. She knew what he was intending before his knee ever touched the ground.

Sheppard presented her with a gold ring, the small diamond scintillating in the starlight. "Marry me, Evie?" he asked, his hopeful jade eyes meeting her stormy hazel ones.

"John, get up," Evie whispered, fearful that someone would see him proposing.

"Not until you give me an answer," he murmured, never taking his eyes off hers.

"John, I--we can't. You know we can't!" She bit her lip and looked down. She wanted to say yes so badly, but knew she couldn't.

"Evie, I want you. Hell, I need you." He took her hand in his. "Please?"

She pulled him to his feet. "John, we can't. If anyone found out--"

"So we'll keep it a secret," Sheppard said, desperately praying that she would have him. If she refused, he wouldn't know what to do with himself.

Evie chewed her lip, the tears lurking just behind her eyes. "John, I don't think I can live like that…"

"Evie if you won't have me, I don't know what I'll do," Sheppard said, nervously squeezing her hand. "I know this is kinda fast, but I can't live without you. And I know that sounds cheesy, but I mean it. When you were in the infirmary two months ago, I realized how much I loved you." Evie was blinking furiously, trying her best to keep the tears at bay. "I don't care if we have to keep it secret, Evie, I just have to have you in my life. And at the risk of begging, I'll say it again, 'Please?'"

After a moment's agonizing pause, Evie shook her head slowly before the tears started trickling down her cheeks. "John, I can't, I--" The pain in his eyes tore her apart. "I'm so sorry!" she sobbed before taking off. Tears blurring her vision as she ran down the hall, she heard his cry of "Dammit!" and the sound of his coffee cup crashing to the floor. Her hand over her mouth, she tried to stifle her sobs until she got to her quarters. Once inside, she flung herself onto her bed, her tears soaking the pillow. Sobs racked her body for a long time until she had finally cried herself to sleep.

XXXXXX

The next day, Evie didn't see Sheppard until late that night. He and his team had returned from a routine mission and she had found him in the almost empty mess hall, getting himself a cup of coffee. Taking a deep breath, she slowly walked over to stand a few feet away from him. "Evening, Colonel," she said softly.

"Lieutenant." Sheppard acknowledged her tersely but didn't glance up.

"Did the mission go well?" she asked, trying to start up a conversation.

"What the hell is that?" he asked, scrutinizing her.

"What is what?" She looked up at him, confused.

"'Did the mission go well?'" he mimicked. Sheppard shook his head in disbelief and shot her a wry smile. "Don't even." He returned his attention to his coffee.

"Don't even what?" Evie asked, walking over to stand next to him.

"Don't pretend that everything is just fine between us," he snapped, obviously angry.

"What the heck is that supposed to mean?" she asked, incredulous.

"You led me on, Evie," he charged.

Immediately growing defensive, Evie countered, "I did not!"

"The hell you didn't!" he shot back. "All the little arranged meetings, chatting late at night, the physical contact. And then, all of a sudden, you have an attack of conscience or something and decide that I'm not worth the risk."

"Oh, so it's all my fault?" she retorted, raising her volume to match his.

"You can't yank me back and forth like that! I'm not a yo-yo, dammit!" he yelled.

"Oh, and you think this is easy for me?" Evie cried, bristling. "Don't you think I want it just as badly as you do?"

"Obviously not or you wouldn't have been so afraid to take a chance!"

"You're unbelievable."

"You're unbelievable!" he shouted. "You're the one who's been playing me!"

Evie dropped the level of her voice slightly, attempting to keep her tears at bay. "I wasn't playing you, John, I--"

"Lieutenant!" Sheppard barked. "You are to address me as 'Colonel' or 'Sir.' Are we clear?"

Evie bit her lower lip to keep it from trembling. "Yes, sir," she answered quietly, sucking in quick breaths of air so as not to start sobbing. "Please, I jus--"

"Dismissed," he said with a cold stare.

Evie nodded and practically fled from the room, quickly making her way to her quarters. If the Lantean door would have allowed, she'd have slammed it. She grabbed the stereo remote off her desk and angrily hit the buttons with her thumb. A dark electric guitar melody began, the loud strains assaulting her ears. "Now I will tell you what I've done for you. Fifty thousand tears I've cried. Screaming, deceiving, and bleeding for you…" She threw herself onto her bed and furiously punched the pillow with her fist. Evie had always been one to let her anger and sadness steep, and so allowed the song to fuel her emotions.

As she lay there, anger simmering and tears trickling, her mind wandered back to the last time she had felt this bad, this hurt. It had been nine years ago, when her younger brother David had been killed in a school shooting. He had been one of seven students slain their senior year. David had been deaf since birth and he, along with six of his deaf classmates, had been murdered by a disturbed and prejudiced teen.

Evie's hand strayed to her chest as the memory of getting the phone call from her mother replayed in her mind. She began slowly fingering the faint, two-inch scar above her breast. David and Evie had been incredibly close, and the news of his death had torn her apart. So, in a desperate effort to escape the emotional pain, Evie had taken a razor blade one night and cut until she could see blood. She had continued this for three weeks before finally coming to her senses and stopping her harmful actions.

While still rubbing the scar, Evie's other hand slid to her pants pocket. She slowly pulled out her Swiss army knife. Now it was more recent memories that played in her head. John telling her that he loved her... She slowly opened the blade. John proposing… She ran her thumb lightly over the sharp edge. Her refusing… She gently tugged down the collar of her shirt. Her attempting to reconcile… She let the blade trace along her bared skin. John spurning her… She closed her eyes.

No. This wasn't right… It wasn't worth it. She wouldn't go down this road again… With a soft cry of frustration, Evie hurled the knife, embedding the point in her door. She changed her music and went to take a shower.

Song: "Going Under" by Evanescence