disclaimer: nothing but the plot is mine

Holics

He sat silently in the darkness, long after lights out; he never had any trouble falling asleep before, yet here he was sitting wide awake when he really should be having a good night's rest after the grueling day. Life at Saint Rudolph was a constant struggle for survival, as it was anywhere else for Mizuki Hajime. For him, life had always been that and nothing more; it was all a war he could not afford to lose. As such, it was only right for him to be soundly asleep in bed now, only four more hours to daybreak and school, to recharge himself for the challenges of the new day.

But something was bugging him. Had been gnawing at him for a while now, making him restless for days.

Distracted, Mizuki rose from his seat to pace the length of his room for the fifth time under that hour, tugging at a single curl of his hair in frustration. A habit, that tugging motion of his. There was comfort in habits. Yet he could not help the overwhelming emotions that welled up as his eyes fell on a discreet little package that lay quietly on his nightstand.

It would seem that comfort in habits was overrated.

Involuntarily, he reached out to finger the meticulously wrapped package. The crisp rice paper rustled softly at the touch and the silken ribbon flowed through his fingers like a lively rivulet. A present. Hesitantly, the boy slowly picked the package up, only to put it back a few seconds later. He stared intently at the present through the darkness, his mind a total blank for once. All his data and scenarios were of no use to him now, not when all he had to do was just to walk down the hallway, knock on Yuuta's door, wish him a happy birthday, and pass him the present. It was that simple. He did not even have to consider the consequences; what harm would there be in a senpai's birthday present to his- questionably- favourite kohai?

So why in the world was he hesitating so much?

Because it was almost three in the morning and all conventions in the world indicated it to be an unearthly hour inappropriate for visitations of any nature. Right. A wry smile crossed his face as he tugged hard at a stray lock of hair. So he was down to excuses now, excuses for hesitating, when he needed reasons. His mind, Mizuki had gradually come to realize over the years, had its way of doing and explaining things on its own. It was interesting, this phenomenon of the mind acting independently of the self.

Or maybe it was just a sign of how sad he had become. Sad, as in pathetic; loser-pathetic. A mirthless chuckle escaped from his lips; he had never been one to be soft on himself. Others could say whatever they liked about him, but he had his own set of rules to live by. His life, if it were to be examined closely, would be oddity governed by habits and rules. Used to be. Before Yuuta came into his life and upset the balance.

He had lived a life of scenarios, had enjoyed it, and had no reason to not live it this way. But none of his scenarios had Yuuta factored in them. Fuji Yuuta, in essence, was an unwanted factor, unexpected and unpredictable; an intruder. He was all wrong and he did not fit into the equations Mizuki had carefully planned out. He was all wrong, yet he was all right. It was all right when Mizuki was with him, even when all his scenarios were going berserk in his mind.

Yuuta was all right, even when he made Mizuki's world all wrong. And he wondered why. He came up with countless answers, yet never the one answer he truly needed; his forte lay in formulating scenarios. Possible answers. Suitable answers. Maybes and could-bes.

The day slowly arrived and Mizuki was lost.

Tezuka jabbed his pen listlessly at his papers, uncharacteristically distracted, even though it was far from obvious to anyone watching. To anyone else, he was the perfect image of concentration as he pondered over the papers. Even the jabbing seemed to imply complete focus on the matter at hand. But the fact remained that the stoic youth was highly distracted, even if no one else recognized it. No, scratch that. Disturbed, actually, would be a more accurate term.

Or maybe annoyed.

Heaving a near imperceptible sigh Tezuka shoved his papers firmly away; he was done with all of them anyway. He only decided to keep working on them in hopes of distracting himself from thinking about what happened this evening. But it had been a futile attempt, of course. He had ended up being more distracted than before, and for someone who firmly believed in not letting one's guard down at all times, this was entirely unacceptable. He should have known better than to let Fuji's words get to him this way.

Having known the tensai for two whole years, he should have seen this coming; the way Fuji always seemed to see everything, always seemed to be getting under your skin. His skin. But he was right of course; he always was. And that unnerved Tezuka, though he would never admit it to any living soul for as long as he was alive.

He crossed his arms as he leaned forward onto his writing desk, thinking; he seemed to be doing a lot of it recently. And he thought about this evening.

Fuji was right when he said Tezuka was angry, or something to that effect; Fuji Syuusuke knew Tezuka well enough to know that the image of a stoic buchou was more important to Tezuka than anything else, even outside of school hours. He would never say anything that would antagonize Tezuka on purpose; Fuji Syuusuke was a lot more tactful than he liked to show. But what he said was enough. Enough to confirm the nagging suspicion that had been eating at him for the past few weeks. Tezuka buried his face in his arms.

Yudon sezu ni ikou; don't let your guard down. Be alert.

Tezuka Kunimitsu lived by a code, and he had a way of doing things, whether others liked it or not. But few ever complained because strict as he was, he had always been fair and just. And equal. People respected him for that. But he wasn't all fair either, not to himself. If he was described as unrelenting towards others, then he was unforgiving towards himself; he had a code to live by. He would be nothing if he broke the code.

Never, ever, let your guard down. Words, when repeated over and over again, became a spell, a chant of some sort. Like hypnosis, with that swinging pendulum, bringing you away from reality, or making you believe you were being brought away. A false sense of security. You never realized it till you're too late.

Tezuka shook a little; the night air was a little chilly.

He never knew when it started; it was so gradual. A change, slowly, but a change nonetheless. A code, a spell, a chant. And he realized the change too late. He became restless, easily irritated, even helpless, among others. Desperately he had tried to cover up, tried to hide, denying its existence. He put the blame on stress, on school, on the upcoming Districts. Others would have readily accepted the reasons, like he did. Like his mind did. But not his body, or his heart.

Because if they did he would not be watching his every move on court and off court, would not be concerned with his feelings during and outside of club activities, would not have waited long after practice was over so that he could meet him as if by coincidence when he had a major test the very next day. He would be treating him the same way he treated everyone else. Not getting upset over his half-hearted remarks like he did this evening.

Yudon sezu ni ikou.

And Fuji, who could read anyone so easily as if reading off an open book, had read him perfectly. Even if he didn't say anything out loud, his eyes said it all. I know you're in trouble, but I'm not sure what yet; I'll figure you out. That's what those eyes said. I'll figure everything out.

And Tezuka was afraid. It was something that he would never have permitted himself to feel. Fear was weakness, and he would not allow himself to be weak. Never. But he could not change the fact that he was, either, not matter what he told himself.

When all false security was shattered, your only hope was yourself.

The phone down the hallway started to ring and Tezuka got up from his seat. He'll get the phone before his ever-vigilant grandfather did. At least he still had control over something inconsequential like this. Even a straw could seem strangely precious when you're caught in a maelstrom.

Be alert; don't ever let your guard down.

"Ne, ne! Oishi! What did he say? What did he say? C'mon, Oishi! Tell me tell me, nyah!" Eiji wheedled as he nuzzled Oishi's neck, hugging him around his middle. The said boy did not reply, instead he chuckled softly, pulling Eiji with him as he fell backwards onto his bed. But Eiji knew immediately that something was wrong. Instincts, or something.

"Oishi?" Eiji whispered against the warm chest below him.

"He wouldn't tell me anything, Eiji; it's never happened before. It must be something bad," Oishi said quietly as he hugged Eiji closer to himself. "I'm worried, Eiji…" Eiji didn't like the way Oishi was talking, didn't like the way he was holding him. He was so far away now, and Eiji never liked it when Oishi was far away. His arms tightened instinctively around Oishi. Possessive, even.

But all Oishi did was to continue stroking his hair absently.

Eiji buried his face in Oishi's chest, feeling his heart pound below him, breathing him in. It was his fault, really; he should have known better than to bring it up. But he had felt uncomfortable after this evening. To put it more accurately, he had been unsettled for a while now, watching his best friend and his buchou, both of whom had been acting strangely lately. It was more of a feeling, really, but after this evening all his doubts were confirmed. Something was definitely wrong, and so naturally he had told Oishi about it.

Bad move.

Bad.

"Eiji? Do you… Will Tezuka be alright?" Oishi asked softly, staring straight at the ceiling. And Eiji suddenly felt very cold.

Very afraid and insecure.

"Nyah, Oishi! I'll go get some water, nyah? Try not to have your mind wander too far into outer space where I can't find you, ne?" Eiji leaned up to kiss Oishi lightly on the brow. Oishi smiled before letting Eiji go.

Eiji all but ran into the refuge of the kitchen.

His hands were shaking as he poured himself some water; they were shaking so hard that it was inevitable that the glass slipped from his hands. Onto the floor and broke. As he bent to pick up the shards of glass, Eiji was suddenly angry, with himself. Angry, with his weakness, with his insecurity, with his jealousy towards Tezuka. He chewed hard on his lower lip.

He had always known how important Tezuka was to Oishi. The way Oishi looked up to him, admired him, respected him, and even for a time, loved him. Tezuka… he meant a lot to Oishi, before Eiji ever came into the picture, and long after that. Eiji knew that no matter how much Oishi loved him, he would never fully belong to Eiji. Because there was a part in Oishi that Eiji could never breach, a part reserved for Tezuka alone. He knew all that, much better than anyone else, even better than Oishi himself. And Eiji, much as he hated his selfishness, did not want that. He did not want to share Oishi with anyone else. Even Tezuka.

Oishi belonged to him; he was his.

Therefore, he hated it when Oishi thought about Tezuka, because it would take him so far away, to places that he could not follow. Hated it when he talked about Tezuka, because his eyes would light up for someone not him, his voice would raise for someone not him, and he would smile that rare smile for someone not him. Because Oishi would forget all about him and be lost in a world where Eiji could not go, and Eiji was afraid that one day Oishi would never remember him again. Would never return from that far away place. He wanted Oishi to be always with him, to always be there for him.

Selfish him; but selfishness had become habitual to Kikumaru Eiji. As had jealousy. The pang that never went away whenever Oishi thought about Tezuka, worried about him. It was not a good combination.

"Eiji! What are you doing?"

Eiji's head snapped up as Oishi rushed to his side. "O..Oishi… I… broke a glass… I'm sorry…" He fumbled clumsily around for the right words to use.

"You'll hurt yourself like that, Eiji! " Oishi reached to snatch the shard Eiji held in his hand.

"Oishi…" Eiji whispered, near tears now.

"You were gone for so long I got worried. Really, Eiji. Don't ever do anything that'll hurt yourself again…" he muttered as he started to clean up the mess himself, picking up the broken shards absently.

"Oishi! You're doing exactly what you told me not to do!"

"Better me than you, Eiji," he said. "You never take care of yourself at all." And he smiled.

As Eiji tackled Oishi to the kitchen floor, he felt a lot better; it was only Oishi and him now. No Tezuka.

Oishi's breathing became obviously laboured as Eiji kissed him deeply. With all the need and want he was feeling now. "Eiji…" he breathed as they drew apart. "It's a good thing my family's away for the weekend…" And he chuckled lightly.

Oishi…

It was hard not to be selfish when you were in love with someone like Oishi. Someone, who knew how to love as wholeheartedly as Oishi.

Tezuka felt weak as he hung up; so Oishi and Kikumaru had seen his little episode with Fuji and gotten worried.

We went for some ice-cream before going home, Oishi had explained. It wasn't on purpose, Tezuka! We just… happened to look in that general direction…

I understand.

Oh. Sorry. Oishi had paused for a while before continuing. Ano… Eiji was so worried about the two of you. He's been a little off lately, and he wouldn't tell me what's going on until today…

Tezuka, as a friend, I hope that you would tell me what happened back there today. I know I'm not as sensitive or as intuitive as Eiji or Fuji, or else I would have noticed something sooner. But I'd like to help you. We would like to help you.

If you'd let us, Tezuka.

Oishi was the best friend anyone could ever hope for. And the sweetest boyfriend, too. Even if he didn't say it out loud, Tezuka could sense it in his words; he was doing this for Eiji as well. Eiji, who hadn't been quite himself because he was worried.

But being Tezuka, he had turned it down. He had said he was fine and needed no help and hung up. He guessed he wanted to deal with it himself; it was his problem after all, and something he said earlier came back to haunt him.

Solve your problems if you intend to keep them.

A wry smile; so it was meant for himself after all. Tomorrow then, he promised. Tomorrow he would deal with it. This. But as he got into bed that night, Tezuka failed to realize one thing.

Problems were weaknesses. To acknowledge that he had a problem was to admit that he had a weakness, and you only had weaknesses when you let your guard down.

False security, it lingered long even after the mechanism that induced it broke down.

The code, as he failed to realize, had been broken a long time ago.

Habits were such overrated things.

A/N: That didn't turn out exactly the way I wanted it to. But I like it nonetheless. Sorry if I made Mizuki and Eiji and Tezzie a little ooc. This is angst, so that's merely for dramatic effect. :D. Hope you enjoyed this chapter. And also, things will be cleared up a little more the next chapter. Or messed up, depending on how you want to look at it. This fic ma turn out to be more convoluted than I anticipate it to be, judging from the way things are going... :S. Ahh... But I do hope that people enjoyed reading this so far. :) I'll work harder on the subsequent chapters, I promise! Haha.