There was a raw, perpetual silence so potent that it seemed all of a screaming history had suddenly been silenced-scorching lives had paused in one brief moment. The seconds dilated, swelling to fit entire years into one suddenly swelling, heaving moment. There was a brief pause of life before the seconds splintered and vomited a great rush of events. There was a tremendous scream inside my mind as billions of years of life collapsed into one moment; an upheaval of events and thoughts compressed into one inhalation than released over me in a great gale of occurances.

I gazed dumbstruck at him, my heart throbbing, my mind hissing and frothing. I felt blind and fevered, intoxicated in his words. My mind pulsed in swollen confusion. I could taste the acid and sparks of grinding metal. The bitter and unpleasent taste extending far beneath my taste buds, into my soul. A moment later I was tasting his lips-smooth, velvety, swollen lips-slowly gliding across mine, expertly. I recoiled and gasped, my eyes wide. My heart beat like a million storms splitting the horizon. I felt his breathing wash over me as his tongue forced it's way into my mouth. I could feel the wet muscle navigate my mouth, sliding over my tongue, washing over my teeth, plunging down my throat like an asp. As awkward and weird as the feeling was, it was intoxicating and breath-taking. I shuddered as his hands grasped my face, pulling me in, drowning me in his own face. This was all new-my first kiss-with a guy. What the fuck was happening? I closed my eyes and began to feed into the kiss, hoping I was doing what I should be doing.

My mind pulsed angrilly at the sensations, sending sparks through my body, numbing, shocking sparks of acid and bitter electricity. I felt my entire body respond as it was jolted by sixteen years of virginity, sixteen years of pureness suddenly interrupted by raw lips; powerful emotions slipping down my spine.

Then he broke it.

"I hope..." he gasped, panting; flushed and red-faced, his eyes glazed and shimmering.

We kissed again, hard, fast, impatient. A thousand emotions barelled through my drunken brain. The kiss broke again.

"We can make things work..." another gasp broke the sentence.

The kiss began again; just as feverish and hot, just as mind-numbing and electrical. I gasped as he slid me down onto my back and straddled me. He pushed me against the wall as I felt myself sweat with hope and fear. Liquid emotion spewed out of me and slid down my face and body, staining my clothes in raw emotion. My breathing quickened as I fed into the kiss; our mouths in motion like a ballerina-graceful and fast. I began to nibble on his lower lip, seeing it done in films and television shows. I wrapped my arms around his neck, feeling the hot wires of his hair prickle and receive the electrical current of our kiss. I felt my penis harden under my pants and boxers; the tight, throbbing pressure of my erection becoming painful, constrained in my jeans. I could feel a bulge press into my leg as he hardened under the experience. I groaned and wanted to screw him but I knew it would be wrong and illegal in public. I felt also I should tell my parents. I grew hornier but a moment later he disconnected the kiss, leaving me numb and vibrating from a breathing cold. He gazed at me, into me. "Zaaack..."

I panted, I wanted more. "Oh Freddy..."

My eyes swelled, welling with water and ice and fog, all swirling until finally wine spilled; hard, fast tears spilling from my soul. Heavy, fruitful drops staining my face. He hugged me and held me, cradling me as if I were some newborn lobbed into a restless, upheavaled world so unfamiliar, so obscure and so abstract. He kissed my forehead tenderly and lovingly. I smiled at him and held the back of his head, feeling the wires of his hair, so soft and tangible.

Here I was in the bathroom holding my new boyfriend-the one guy I had crushed on for years-ever since I realized my sexuality. We had just kissed furiously, passionately, my first kiss, a deep, true kiss of swollen seconds and love. My thoughts burnt white like a numb flame, shaking and vibrating like an earthquake.

"I-I-" I stuttered, unable to grasp words.

He just smiled and waitied, patiently, his eyes searching mine. I found words, what little words I could anyways. "I wou-wou-would like to da-date you..." I choked.

He smiled warmly and stood up. He extended a hand to pull my mind up; to pull my soul up. I felt my soul flare in burning white, I felt high on adrenaline, dizzy, scorched and raw with fever. I felt my universe blink, fold and evaporate and then there was nothing but him and I, bonded by ties of space and time, a bridge of two parallel universes-so far apart-so different-but so tangible. Finally my searing, white thoughts dissolved into some blissful oblivion.

I stood up and looked at him, his face was flushed, his breathing just as quick and ragged as mine. We hugged and hugged and hugged, holding each other through the once again dialating breath of silence and time until it ruptured with the gush of the school bell dismissing the classes. We broke apart, deciding to meet up tomorrow for a movie.

We stepped out of the bathroom-both of our lives radically altered-we stepped into another dimension of breath and life and white dreams. We walked together down to the cafeteria to grab our school bags and books as the halls sucked the students out of the large room and squeezed them to their destination class rooms, funneling them and assorting them by friends like a giant centrifuge.

Freddy and I said goodbye as we headed seperate ways, sucked down the halls by some gravitational force of need-need to get to class without being late. I hurried to my study hall period, pushing through groups of students of all assortments. Students holding hands in some numb quiet, gripping tightly to a relationship of unhappiness and pain yet trying to squeeze pain through the fingers; numb it until it vibrates and becomes something else-something more real or at least tangible. Students who stand in the starched silence of their minds, walking like a robotic being class to class. Students who's laughter and voices echoed on stone and lead, kissing ash and radiation as they spread diseased gossip about others for the benefit of a thrill.

The lights of the hallways winked at me and flared as I was continually sucked towards my study hall; the walls expanding and contracting like an esophogus, swallowing us continually. Suddenly the empty silence in my mind cracked and shattered as I heard my name shouted over a river of bobbing heads which spilled into a massive ocean of lies, rumors and fake laughter. "Zaack!"

It was a female voice; a high-pitched, graceful yet dominating female voice. I heard hurried breaths and footsteps rush towards me in great gales of fevered wind. Summer Hathaway was soon standing at my side, clutching a large pile of books firmly in her hand-her only lover-her only marriage. "Have you been to chemistry yet?" she breathed.

I raised an eyebrow and shook my head, "No Summerrrr" I droned. I wasn't in the mood for conversation, I was too happy.

"We get that essay back...that one we wrote about equillibrium last week."

"Oh, we do?"

"Yes, I only got an eight. I was sad. You probably got a nine I bet."

I laughed, me? Get a perfect score on something? I might have been ranked in the top ten but still. "I doubt it." I remarked.

She laughed, a real laugh-not fake just to pin needles into a living voodoo doll. A laugh of liquid and not needles. I listened to Summer. As much as we opposed each other academically we remained best friends. She was one of the few people I talked to; yet she was so busy it was still rare. I was always busy myself. Constantly achingly busy.

"Why did you only score an eight?"

"Because Mr. Nobel says I didn't support my argument well enough for a nine. Damn, I only score a 95..."

I laughed. "Honey, we're Sophomores taking chemistry-a junior level class. A 95 is really good...stop complaining."

"I'm not complaining!" she hissed, "but I really wanted a 9 on that essay."

"You know he rarely gives 9's."

"I know that, but still."

I laughed as I neared the classroom. The tunnel spilled students at the according locations; dropping them into the pools of their classrooms so their minds could simmer and bake for fourty minutes. "Sooo, are you busy tomorrow night?" Summer asked.

I nodded. "Why is it you ask?"

"I wanted to go see a movie. I heard that documentary "An Inconvienent Truth" is supposed to be really powerful.

"Oh...yes. I heard about that too. It does sound really awesome."

"You're busy though, so nevermind. I'd want to see that with you because you love science so much."

I laughed, "Sure..."

She smiled and I smiled back. A true smile to someone else; not fake, forced by a million microfilaments relaying sparks to my brain to twist the metal muscles into a smile.

"Well I said. I'll see you later!" and I was spilled into my classroom.

The lights were shut off, keeping the room in a stasis blackness. The squawking voices of those who had arrived stirred the room. My study hall proctor, Mr. Mach, a math teacher, was seated at his desk on the computer. He was an aged, short, balding man with a consistent wheeze and cough. The top of his head seemed polished to reflect things like glass. His blue, beady eyes seemed sucked into his head and his voice was crackly as he taught complicated mathematical formulas and theories. I'd have him for calculus when I was a senior. If he wasn't retired.

I went over to the desk. "Hello Mr. Mach." I said softly.

He turned to me, "Good day Zack. How are you?" he said in his squeaking voice.

"I'm well, and what about yourself?"

"Can't complain. Are you off to the library again today?"

I nodded, "Yes, I am."

"Alright" he squeaked, "You can just head down there."

I nodded and thanked him. I adjusted the straps on my backpack and held a couple textbooks closer to my chest to quiet my throbbing heart as I hustled down the halls. They weren't squeezing me with gravity anymore, instead I was floating through a near empty tunnel. There were some late students who were straggling and rushing to hurry towards class, then the students who skipped class; then the students who were floating in time to reach some destination other than their class. I felt my feet carry me to the school library; feet not controlled by my mind. The halls now were almost silent; dust seemed ready to collect on the walls and swallow voices for a moment before being lobbed back into the thin air. I could hear classes, the lectures like radio transmissions gurgling before fading out, a new one beginning.

I arrived at the school library and entered. The silence rang softly in my ears as I found a table next to Ryan Collins. A short, red headed kid in my grade, a class rank above mine. He was a book nerd who had his face buried in A Tale of Two Cities. I stared at him. He was one of the few friends I actually did have. "Hey, Ryan!" I whispered. He jumped at breathed and looked at me, blinking like a child. "Zack..." he said, "Don't scare me like that please."

"Sorry."

He nodded and I seated myself at the maple-wood table. I set my heavy bag on the table and unzipped it as quietly as possible, withdrawing it's solid stomach of textbooks, pencils and folders. I had a lot of homework I wanted to get done. "So how is your day so far?" Ryan asked softly.

I nodded, "I have seen better days pass me by in haze. What about yourself?"

He shrugged. "My girlfriend dumped me today. We have been bickering for a week and finally our relationship snapped. So I'm a sodden mess."

I frowned, "I'm sorry to hear that."

He looked at me and smiled. "It's alright. Sometimes I wish I could close my eyes and turn gay. I think a relationship would go better." He chuckled. The dramatic irony breathed and burned. I wasn't sure if I wanted to tell him or not, I knew he would keep it quiet. Yet before I could stop it it lurched from my mouth.

He looked at me, wide-eyed. The thing I didn't want to tell, ever, I had told two people in ten minutes. He coughed and sputtered. "I beg your pardon?"

"I'm gay..." I sighed.

I didn't like admitting it, but it was a truth I had to live with; a truth which lived inside me. The moment breathed and began to swell in aching silence before finally being punctured and deflating with a clap. "How long have you known this?..." he asked, looking up from his book.

"A couple years." My responses were laconic.

"Right" he said. "So now you're coming out...?" he asked. His voice seemed bitter.

I nodded, "I guess..." I sounded defeated; even if I had a boyfriend.

"You guess. You have to make a decision. Do you want people to find out or do you want to be pussilanimous and hide it all your life?"

"I'm not sure..." I responded as I sifted through papers in my AP Language folder.

"Hmmm..." he said and he smiled warmly. "Well I'd be sure about yourself before you do jump into the frying pan. I might accept you but a lot of students will not."

I nodded. "I don't care really. I'm not ever going to see most of these people; and odds are I'm going to be successfull anyways, with or without their help."

He nodded as his eyes flashed through the page. There was a long, dead silence. I breathed heavily as I read the assignment page for today's AP Language homework. I had to choose a quote from a book, choose two other books and write a Comparative Lens essay expressing that quote and how they relate to those pieces of literature. It was due tomorrow. Wow, easy topic.

"Wow, this essay topic is easy."

Ryan chuckled. "I know it is. It's almost as if we're not in AP. We're both Sophomores too which makes it somewhat laughable. Though English Literature next year will definitely be harder. Poetry bootcamp the juniors call it."

I chuckled. "I can't believe the AP exams are only half a year away."

"I can." he responded. "I just hope I'm ready for them."

I set to work on my essay, leaving the conversation to writhe.

"Gatsby believed in the green light. The orgastic future that year by year recedes before us. It eluded us then but that's no matter-for tomorrow we will run faster-stretch out our arms further-and one fine morning.

So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past."

Yes, the quote from the end of F. Scott Fitzgeralds beautiful, The Great Gatsby. I loved this quote and it expressed so much about dreams and life. I decided to use The Awakening and Fahrenheit 451. I guess that quote pertained to both books; struggle and finding goals-a passion for something met by consequence and barriers.

I swallowed as I began to postulate a rough draft. I felt my pen slide across the paper, putting thoughts into words, words melting into paragraphs. Ryan set the book down and watched me feverishly write before he took out a textbook and began to read.

The rest of the period was spent in a trembling silence which became torpid; it's shallow breathing fading away until the only sounds were coughs, feet and the shuffle of paper. The library seemed comatose; as if it had shut down. Even the hum of machinery pulsing in my brain had seemed to grind to a burning halt. I just wrote and listened to nothing; dissolving in my thoughts. Seconds which once erupted in oblivion seemed to dialate and freeze until time held a flickering stasis. Each moment seemed to last for forever; a painful forever of screeching moments dragging on-until even thoughts seemed chained and tied together by gravity-hanging and swaying in the wind of some stasis dream, swelling and shaking; silent sceams and dying dreams which built like rising culomoniumbus clouds- stacking like cards building ever higher- rows of hushed seconds being erected like dominos until some now incomprehensible forced threatened to breathe just a little and collapse, shoving each second into a cascade until fire erupted out of the icy silence and engulfed everything-lobbing the seconds like cannonballs to create a screaming gale-a fever-a single moment to crash like a burning comet. Each second grew longer as everything; including the galaxies and the stars and planets and atoms and quarks and hadrons vibrated with no sound, just vibrating, shaking, trembling with cold.

I breathed suddenly to crack this silence and everything spilled in ice and flame and screams and it seemed blank stares all lifted out of the ground to gaze at me with tear-filled eyes and cracking this silence. Blanched, bloody-eyed, zombified faces all risen from some grave of silence. Yet it was only Ryan who stared at me. I coughed as I set my pen down with a gentle thud so loud it echoed across the walls of time. Scriptures seemed to crack and fall apart and canyons crumbled into vast rivers, swallowed into a void of nothingness.

Or so dreams were that way. I seemed to snap back to some dim reality, breaking away from thought. I was still elated over what occured in the bathroom. My heart still beat like tribal drums, my eyes were still stained with wine, my soul was still light and alive. I had a boyfriend; a boyfriend who I had crushed on for years. I felt alive-better than I had ever felt before. I felt as if finally I was someone.

"So are you in a relationship?"

I shrugged. I definitely did not want to feel responsible for crashing Freddy's social status. I could not forgive myself for that atrocity. Ryan raised an eyebrow, staring at me. I shrugged again. "Kind of" I finally said.

Ryan set the textbook down and leaned back in his chair. His shirt lifted a little so I could see his lower stomach. I closed my eyes for an elongated blink. "Who is it?" he asked, his voice soft and curious.

"Just someone" I was trying to be general.

"Whooooo?" he asked again.

"Just a kid?"

"Well I know that. You're not going to be dating a thirty year old. That'd be gross anyways."

"Yes, I know. And it's not important so just drop it, alright?"

My voice snapped, perhaps louder and angrier than I should.

He frowned. "Alright, I'm sorry"

"Whatever"

Silence took command again as he read. I felt ashamed for my childish way of acting, but I wasn't going to crash Freddy's reputation in school. Not until he was ready. No, not until he was ready.

I looked up at the clock, the period was almost over. I began to pack my things and get ready. I looked at Ryan. "I'm sorry, but I don't want to talk about it right now. He doesn't want it to be known. You'll find out eventually."

He looked at me and blinked. "It's alright. Sorry for begging but I'd be curious to know."

I nodded and we shook hands. "Have a good rest of your day" he stated.

"Yeah, totally, same with you!"

I walked over to the door as the bell shrieked and whistled, drenching the building in liquid sound which rippled eternally. I hurried to chemistry.

The rest of the day passed relatively quickly. Summer was right, I was given a perfect 9 on my essay. I felt very pleased with myself. The sky was a shimmering blue when I finally trudged outside. The sun was warm and bathed me in it's liquid light. Whispy clouds fleeted in a losing war against the blue sky; the white appearing so beautiful in the sky. A cool October wind blew leaves across the ground and swayed the trees. The hum of traffic and students excited to be away from school echoed in the afternoon.

Freddy came running up behind me as I was walking; panting and gazing at me. I smiled and looked at him, happy he was my boyfriend. "Heyyyy" I said.

"'Sup" he responded. "How was your day?"

I laughed. "It was a tragedy I guess. The morning was shitty."

Freddy laughed loudly and looked into my face. "Why?" he asked soothingly.

"One of those days. I was lamenting and thinking of you most of the morning. Mr. Dalles wanted to castigate me."

"Damn Zack, stop using such big words around me. I'm simple minded!'

I chuckled and smiled, "He wanted to punish me."

"Now that's better. I'm not smart like you are. I'm just sexy."

I grinned and looked at the sun. Even the Earth was smiling and laughing along with me. The air was warm and molded around me, hugging me. The birds sang their fall song and the wind sang along too as the planet breathed slow and deep.

"Thaaat you are my friend. That you are."

He kissed me quickly on the cheek and I felt my heart lighten considerably. I was happy we were far enough away from the school that no one was going to give awkard looks and then harass us. There were a few students ahead of us but they were so enthralled in conversation about a Biology lab that they weren't listening to Freddy and I.

"So do you know your class ranking anyways?"

"I'm fourth."

Freddy whistled. "Daaaaamn. I wish I was as smart as you."

I laughed. "I just read a lot. That's all."

"Yeah, well, you've still gotta have intelligence."

"It's Summer that has the intelligence. She's a brainiac. You know me, I'm always reading."

"Yeah..."

"You're always playing those fucking drums."

He chuckled. "I know. I'm good too."

"I'm good at the guitar."

He punched me. "No you're not!" he grinned.

"You're right. I'm a failure."

"What makes you good at so much?" he asked.

"What makes you have a million girlfriends?"

"Wow, touche. Putting the monkey on my back now, eh?"

"I am."

"So how's the band going?"

"It's going alright. Dewey insists we meet and practice more often. I'm trying to do as much homework as I can during the school day."

"I don't blame you. I remember when I was in it-we practiced so much. I miss those days."

There was a small, stiff silence. It was bleached the color of the clouds. "You should get back in."

"I doubt I can."

"Why did you quit anyways?" I asked.

"Karen Rosenberg and I were dating. She wanted a lot of my time."

"I would think so. She's quite selfish."

Freddy laughed. "Damn right, I was going poor and I don't have a job."

"I do" I jabbed at him.

"Don't you feel special?"

We walked on and stared at each other, admiring each other. We enjoyed the final warm breaths of fall before winter decided to grasp us in it's icy gaze, swallowing us into a void of ice and snow and cold and complaints.

"Yes, yes I do." I said.

"You want to come over?" I asked softly. "We can watch T.V before I have to go to band practice. You should come along and see if Dewey will let you rejoin."

"Sure" he said softly.

I looked at him. "Though I don't want to do anything..." I suddenly said. "Not yet."

"I didn't think so. Not that I wanted to either but still..."

"That includes kissing!" I said jokingly.

He looked mortified. "Oh my God!" He staggered and went bleach white.

I laughed loudly as we turned down another street. He hit me lightly and coyly on the head and looked at me. "Damn, I thought I'd have a chance with you!"

"Nah. I'd really like to tell my parents before we did anything serious."

He raised an eyebrow. "That would be a good idea."

"I know it would be. That's why I'm going to do it."

He grinned. "We can still kiss and date can't we?"

"Yeah, but no sex. No matter how much you or I want it. We're both perverted teenagers but what the hell."

He looked at me. "I agree."

His blond hair was fluttering in the wind. I just watched it and my eyes glazed over. Finally I had a boyfriend. It was too good to be true.