Lesson 8: How to Channel Surf
The gang was all at Remus's house during summer break before 7th term. "This is a television," Remus announced as he leaned against it, which he fell into it out of fricken nowhere. It happened to also suck the other 3 guys out of fricken nowhere.
"Holy crow! Remus, sweetie…wow that sounded gay… anyway, what the hell just happened?" an annoyed Sirius yelped.
"It seems that it has elected us to join episodes," Remus explained taking notice to a pineapple next to him.
"Is that a sponge and a starfish making pot out of seaweed?" questioned a fish version of James.
"YES!" Sirius shouted. He was a lobster wearing a hula skirt and a coconut bra.
"Dudes! You gotta try this stuff! It's crazy," the male sponge said and then made out with the also male starfish. James and Sirius looked at each other and took a step to the side.
"Hey, hey," said a small voice.
"Where's that coming from?" asked Remus the whale.
"Down here," cried the voice, "It's me, Peter." He looked as miniscule as a peanut with blonde curls and huge red lips.
"You look like a girl," Sirius guffawed.
"Yeah, well you're a cross dresser," squeaked Peter.
"At least he's not a whale," snickered James.
"Why am I always made fun of? I look so much better than a cross dressing body building lobster, a peanut version of Gretal from Hansel and Gretal, a sponge or a starfish, or an accountant fish. Pfft," Remus said rather egotistically.
"Hey cuties," said a squirrel in a tube top and mini skirt who came up and rubbed against James, "How ya doin'?"
"As many as I can at one time," James answered abruptly.
"Could you move over…there," Remus moved her aside.
"That's okay babe. There's room for you on my side," James said elegantly. "The name's Potter. James Potter," James offered a fin.
"Sandy Cheeks," the squirrel said.
"Pleasure."
The sponge offered everyone a stalk of seaweed and everyone immediately got stoned. A really fat whale woman with pom-poms and a "P" on her shirt came racing up to them. "Time to go," Peter announced and the 4 guys left through a random portal.
"Come on down to The Price Is Right!" cried a voice.
"Who? Me?" James asked.
"Yes you," said a man with white hair.
"Wha-?" James started.
"Come on," the man said with a fake smile grabbing his wrist.
"Let go of me you rapist!" hollered James.
"Do you want to play or not?" Bob asked.
"What kind of sick games do you imply with that sentence?" James said freeing his wrist.
"The Price Is Right!" the man hollered in annoyance.
"Oh, wait. So you get to guess how much a whore is?" Sirius asked. He was wearing a tacky nametag.
"NO! YOU SICK YOUNG ADULT!"
"I don't get it…" Sirius murmured.
"Oh! I know this show!" Remus told them.
"Thank the high heavens!" mumbled the host. "You're our first contestant. Now, son, how much do you think this bottle of Jesse Kotsopolas's hair is, from "Full House"?"
Peter came out of a side wing with the bottle. He was modeling it in a dress.
"Oh wow," murmured James.
"I guess it's…$270.50" Remus proposed.
"What a great guess! You're incorrect!" the talk show host said.
"The price is wrong b-atch!" James quoted from "Happy Gilmore". The host, Bob Barker, pushed Remus into the portal, which sucked in the other guys, too.
"I hate that feeling. It's a lot like using floo powder, isn't it?" James said. Little did he know, he was wearing a spandex outfit and mask. Remus looked down. He was wearing all black with a whistle around his neck.
"What are you wearing?" Remus asked Padfoot.
"I feel like the guys in muggle banks Remmy," Sirius whined.
"You look like one," he noted. Ding Ding James left to 'his' corner of the ring. Remus stood near the center, and Sirius sat down at the only seat available, the judges' table.
"Hello you SUCKAS!" James yelled to the crowd.
"You! Are goin' down!" yelled the man who was also wearing spandex.
"You wanna mess with the princess?" James threatened. Everyone stared at him. Even the crickets stared at him. "What'd I say?"
"I'm gonna' knock you into next week!"
"That would be delightful…man I really need to work on my comebacks. Hey! I'll let my fists do the talking!" James lunged towards the competitor. His fist connected with the large man's belly.
"You're not supposed to actually hit me!" whined the bulky man. All of the audience gasped. Remus blew his whistle, though he didn't know what to do. James circled his opponent and poked his eyes repetitively. "Ow! Stop it!"
"You are disqualified from the match from disobeying the rules." The female judge who was sitting next to Sirius (whom he was flirting with) pushed James back into the portal.
Next, the marauders visited Spiderman. James yelled at him for giving J.K. the idea to have Harry dump Ginny all Spiderman style. Actually, he didn't mind much because Ginny's a slut, but whatever.
Poor Peter was yet another female, M.J. He pointed this out. "I was in a bikini holding a BELT the last channel!"
They went through the portal again to a Snoop Dog music video. "Wow, I like this. Let's stay here," Sirius and James said together as they noticed the half dressed girls on poles.
"Shake it, sister, shake that ass, miss new booty!" spoke Sirius slapping a girls backside. The girl turned around. The girl was Peter.
"Hello there mate," Remus laughed out.
James was grinding up on another whore-ish lady. He had major bling on. He was wearing a golden necklace with diamond letters spelling 'The Bang Master'. On either hand he wore 5 rings, each said 'BM'. "Give it to me baby," he said. Everyone was totally sprung when they left.
When they looked around, everything looked huge. Then they heard, "Where am I going?" sung by a Hispanic cartoon.
"To get m'lested," sang a monkey. "Where are you going?"
"To get m'lested," sang the main character, Dora (the same girl as before). "Where am I going?"
"To get molested?" No one sung, so the snail-like marauders thought that it was their turn. "Where are you going?" they sang uncertainly.
"TO GET M'LESTED!" yelled Dora and Boots. "Now I want to find Swiper the Fox to buy a condom. Do you know what that is kids? It's" but she was cut off by the marauders playing loudly on their instruments. While Peter played, he looked down and noticed that he was a female slug. He threw down his clarinet (well as fast as a slug can throw a clarinet) and started to curse his head off, but it wasn't heard because the other 3 played louder.
The narrator came out of the sound room and became a cartoon. He said, "You need to be replaced due to your adult language."
"W.T.F!" yelled Peter, "She's off singing about having fun with her 'pal' Diego and buying condoms and probably cocaine from the hidden Swiper the Fox and you're kicking US off because WE use ADULT language?"
"Yup," he said and pushed them through the portal.
"But I thought you loved my long lost step-nephew, who is secretly my brother who has a twin that is a woman who was before a man who had a sex change and is in love with me!" said a straight faced man with a glare at woman Peter.
"Huh?" James, Sirius, and Remus said in unison. They had stepped right into a soap opera.
"I need to know, how did you manage to save my baby who is really Silvia's baby with your mind after you slept with my married father!" the man asked Peter.
"I didn't…I mean…what?" he gave a stare into the camera.
"I don't think our friendship is trustworthy after you killed my sister who is truly my mother, who is in love with her brother that's actually not me!'
They all raised their eyebrows and left as fast as possible. "I wonder where we are now?" Remus said.
"I feel short," Sirius whined.
"You are short!" laughed James.
"I can say the same for you," Remus pointed out. James stopped laughing.
"Where's Peter?" James asked.
"Guys!" yelled the voice of Peter. They headed up to where they thought they had heard him.
"Where are you Pete?" Sirius asked.
"I'm this bear!" he squeaked.
"Dude! You have a bra on!" laughed Padfoot.
"Shut up!"
"Here," James knelt in front of Peter and tried to unhook his bra.
"The clasps are in the back," said a high-looking man.
"Where are we?" asked Remus.
"We're on set," answered Uncle Eddie.
"The set to what?" asked Sirius.
"I'm supposed to be the high one. We're on the set for Grounded for Life."
"I love this show!" yelled Sirius as Henry.
"You watch television?" asked Remus (Brad).
"Only in the streets of…London," Sirius said looking at Eddie.
"Okay…" said James as Jimmy. They headed downstairs. Then they saw Lily Evans as Lily Finnerty. "Lily?"
"Oh crap it's Potter. What are you doing here?" she asked annoyed.
"Channel surfing. What about you?"
"I accidentally fell through and I can't get out," she said meekly.
"We'll help you get out. All you have to do is walk through the portal. We're trying to get out as well," James said helpfully.
"I don't need your help!" Lily screamed a high-pitched holler when James tried to take her arm, and she stomped through the portal. The others followed.
Once again Sirius and James were short, but they were twins, in a hotel. Lily was at a candy counter; Peter was attired very richly in a dress. He clapped his hands together and said, "Yay me!"
Remus was a tall black man with a green suit on. They left abruptly.
Next they were on a ship. James was very dirty looking with a long braided beard and long hair also. Sirius was in a white ripped shirt, his hair in a ponytail. Peter was Elizabeth Turner. Remus was a monkey.
"Pirates!" yelled James and Sirius giving each other high fives. It was the only movie they'd ever purposely went to see. Lily walked over as Captain Bobasa.
"Savvy?" James questioned laughing silly as Captain Jack Sparrow.
"This is fricken awesome, except the part where I'm in love with Peter," Sirius pointed out.
"I'm the captain of the Black Pearl! WHY IS THE RUM GONE?" bellowed James cracking up.
"We are leaving now!" cried Lily grabbing them all and cramming them into the portal. "Lily? Where are you?" he yelled as a cartoon fat man.
"I'm right here you… is that your chin?" asked Lily.
"Yeah…please don't hit me, but are you male or female?" James asked.
"Female thank you very…wait. I don't know… I want this character to get boob implants!" Lily ran into Meg's room crying.
"Peter, why are you always a girl?" Sirius questioned as Brian the dog.
"I don't know," whined Lois/ Peter Pettigrew.
"Guys! Look at me! I'ma da fricken Pope!" Remus said running through the Griffin's door.
"I will kill you all!" yelled a football headed baby.
"Ahhh! Killer baby!" screamed James.
"Fear me!" Stewie said chasing them through the portal.
"We are going!" bellowed James. The scene was a forest.
"Why?" asked the girl skunk, Peter.
"This is Bambi," he told them crying.
"Wha…" asked Lily, Bambi's mother, but Sirius just shook his head symboling not to ask any questions. Remus yelped and they left the portal to a weather channel. Remus, Sirius, James, Peter, and Lily were all normal, but they were being dragged near the weatherman.
"We will be experiencing some tornadoes around 4 o'clock." The storm sucked in the 5 teenagers. The young ones died. In one foul swoop.
Moral of the Story: Don't get high off of seaweed because it attracts tornadoes. Also, Jack Sparrow and Will Turner are banging hot!
Fin(P.S. Lord Voldemort took over the world because no Harry Potter was ever born. He made a decree that everyone must have sexual relations for the rest of their life. He realized that he, himself would have to follow his law. So, eventually, everyone died from banging too hard. May I ask, how are you still alive?)