Grave Mistakes

Disclaimer: Any owning is done by Minekura-sensei, I have no claims on her genius, I just want her men naked and tied to my bed. Which would be very difficult since I crash on a mattress on the floor...

Authour Notes: Thanks as always to Atropine who lovingly betas all the crap I write, and who never seems to utter a bad word, which makes me think she's either cracked or is afraid I'll beat her into the ground. I apologize for not having posted anything in a while, between things for Otakon, chaos at work, and medical issues, as well as my muse running off into the night, I haven't had the time or inclination to write anything. I thank you for your patience. -graceful bow- And if there is punctuation or spaces missing, eff eff dot net ate them. It enjoys doing that.

Gojyo's hands shook slightly as he tried to focus his eyes in order to get the house key into the lock. It was almost early morning, and he could hear the tiny chirps of birds as they awoke. He had stayed at the bar long after he had won money off everyone willing – and a few not so willing.

Giving up on the key, he huffed and slid down on the porch, back to the door. Not long after Hakkai – previously Gonou – had returned from Chang-An, they had moved out of the apartment and into a small house a mile or so from town.

Leaning heavily against the door, he let his eyes slide shut, a yawn escaping him. He had starting coming home later and later, or earlier and earlier depending on how you wanted to split hairs.

Lately Hakkai had become morose and sullen, not acting like the cheerful man he had become when he had been granted his second chance at life.

Gojyo was confused and irritated. Confused because he had no idea why his friend was acting this way, and irritated because he knew Hakkai wasn't going to come out and say what his problem was. He just wasn't that kind of guy.

In the relatively short time that the redhead had known him, he had come to realize that Hakkai was very much the martyr type, while Gojyo was the complete opposite. He made no apologies for what he did, even if it was saving the life of someone who didn't want to be saved.

A click interrupted his thoughts and he fell backwards with a whump. Stars filled his vision for a moment as pain flared in the back of his head.

"Were you planning on sitting out there all night?" Hakkai asked, looking down at him. His tone was pleasant, but his eyes were shuttered, free of expression – a look he had been sporting more often than not lately.

Gojyo closed his eyes for moment and willed the earth to stop spinning before he opened them once more and spoke. "Actually, it's almost morning, so it would be impossible for me to spend all night out here." As soon as he said it though, he could have kicked himself for the flippant attitude that laced every word.

When he looked up at the brunet though, all he saw was the blank slate of a face that his roommate now habitually wore. Sighing, he carefully rolled onto his side, and got to his feet. Leaning on the outside wall of the house for support, he leaned in to stare intently at Hakkai.

"Just what is your problem lately? Ever since we came back from that stinking monk's temple you've been wandering around moping and acting like something's crawled up your ass and died. And it sure as hell ain't your girlfriend, because she's already dead."

As soon as the last words left his mouth, he would have given anything in his power to take them back, especially when he saw the look on Hakkai's face. Already pale skin was now impossibly white, forcing the shadows under his eyes into stark relief. Green eyes were wide with shock, and his mouth was slack for a second as if he couldn't possibly believe that Gojyo had just said that.

Then his mouth closed and tightened in anger, and those brilliant green eyes darkened and narrowed in rage.

Gojyo didn't even have time to process the movement, let alone dodge, before a hard fist crashed into his mouth. He felt the punch reverberate through his skull as he was pushed backwards off the porch, landing in an awkward sprawl of limbs on the muddy ground.

Before his vision cleared, he felt the heavy weight of the demon on top of him, and another blow made his ears ring. In the one moment of consciousness he held, he thanked all gods that Hakkai had yet to properly control his chi, and as such, he never used it around other people yet.

Gojyo could only hope that he would not choose now to practice it.

As blows rained down upon him, he attempted to curl into himself to protect what parts of his body he could. It wasn't long before darkness pawed at him with clammy fingers, and he slipped into its welcoming grasp.

When he woke, he was no longer cushioned by mud, but by the softness of his mattress. His body ached, and if he tried to move, the pain lanced through sharply, a not so subtle reminder of what had transpired.

Opening his eyes, there was a moment of panic when he couldn't see, until he realized that a cool damp cloth lay across his eyes. He froze when he heard the rustling movement of someone – Hakkai – at his bedside, and then the cloth was lifted gently.

Meeting the other man's eyes for a moment, as well as he could, with one nearly swollen shut from the beating – he hesitated to call it a fight – before letting his eyelids drop. He was too ashamed of what he had said to even speak, or look for long at the brunet's face.

"I would say I was sorry for hurting you, Gojyo-san," Hakkai said softly as he changed soiled bandages with cool, practiced hands. "But I can't say that, because I'm not."

Gojyo couldn't help but try to smile, though his attempt was impeded by swollen bruises and efficiently wrapped bandages.

"Whether you meant what you said or not – and I think you most likely did not, from the expression on your face after the fact – what you said hurt me more than the pain you are in now. So it's only fair that you feel it. But the truth is, I don't know what to do." His breath caught for a moment, and Gojyo felt the sheet that covered him tighten for a moment, as if pulled in the other man's grasp. "She was my life. And I gave mine for her. But then you went and brought me back, and now I don't know what to live for."

"Yourself." Gojyo said, although, with his mouth swollen and bandaged, it came out more as, "Yuh-theth."

It's allowed, you know. To do what you want, and to take everything, while giving only what you can. Live your life for you... Was what he wanted to say, but the words wouldn't form. He was tired and he ached all over, and sleep tugged at him once more, turning his mind to mush.

His eyelids drooped, but before they closed he swore he saw the faintest smile on Hakkai's lips, and a glimmer of hope in his eyes.

Of course it was probably the concussion that made him think he heard the other man whisper softly, "So is it okay if I live for you?" right before he was dragged back down into unconsciousness.

-END-