Negotiations and Vacations

Inuyasha and Sesshomaru sat hungrily at the kitchen table. Inuyasha had contemplated on eating the macaroni that Naraku had thrown against the wall, but the roaches had gotten to it first, discouraging him from not only eating it, but anything else in the castle. They had started to explore the place, but when they noticed that they were being tailed by Kanna, they decided to forget that idea.

So there they sat, bored out of their minds and not really knowing how to get back to their palace. A leak in the faucet kept a steady dripping sound coming from the sink. Except for this, the room was completely silent. Finally, Inuyasha snapped. "Damn it! I can't take this any longer! Why the hell aren't we doing anything? Why the fuck are we just sitting here? Sesshomaru, pull your head out of la-la land and start thinking of a way to escape!"

Sesshomaru sighed heavily and said, "I wonder what Martha Stewart is doing."

Inuyasha stared at him like he'd lost his mind. "Of all people to think about, why Martha Stewart? What, Hillary Duff wasn't enough for you?"

"Don't make me think of her," Sesshomaru said with a heavy heart. He still felt bad about leaving the girl for Angelina Jolie . Shaking his head to clear his mind of these thoughts, he said, "I believe that we should consider our options of escaping."

Inuyasha scoffed. "No shit, Sherlock, that's just what I said." Sesshomaru threw him a look that could kill and picked up one of the leftover pieces of construction paper on the table. Using a pen that he'd found under the couch (being careful to avoid Naraku's still unconscious form on the floor) he started writing this:

Dear Mr. Inutaisho,

It displeases me to have to inform you that your children have been abducted by none other than me, Naraku. If you want to see them alive again, you will deliver one-hundred thousand yen to 1100 Killer's Lane Castle No. 5 by seven o'clock on Wednesday morning. If not, you will never see your brats again.

Sincerely,

Naraku

Reading it, Inuyasha gaged. "What is this? Dad's not gonna believe that! 'Sincerely?' Oh, come on, Sesshomaru! Here, give me the pen." On another piece of paper, he wrote:

To you, who smells like dog feces,

I have your stupid children. Bring one-hundred thousand yen to the community park by Wednesday night at seven. And don't try any funny stuff. Once, one guy had walked up to me and asked for a yen and I told him that I didn't have any when there I was, dressed like a king, so that was pretty funny. But that's beside the point! Have my money, bitch or the hanyou (well, come to think of it, hanyou is such an ugly word, and I'm one too, so how about, half-demon?) will get what I call "the Naraku treatment". You feelin' me?

Your forever rival,

Naraku

Sesshomaru read this letter, then slapped his brother. "You're a genius! Of course dad's gonna go to the park to hand over a hundred-thousand yen to...who? Naraku's probably gonna be out for a while and Kagura...well, let's use Kagura only as a last resort. I say we should stick to eBay." Getting up (or down in his case) from the table, Sesshomaru climbed up the back staircase and to the upper hallway, Inuyasha following close behind.

"Nope, not in here...no, not this one...maybe...Oooh! A quarter!" Sesshomaru exclaimed. Hurriedly stuffing it in his pocket, he continued his search of Naraku's room.

"Uh, Sesshomaru, I think this is it." Inuyasha said, holding open a door at the end of the hall. Inside it was completely pink and they would've thought that it was someone else's had it not been for the sign on the door saying "Naraku's room". Sesshomaru stepped cautiously in, trying not to touch anything.

Inuyasha on the other hand, did the exact opposite. "Hm, I wonder why he has chains on his walls," he said, reaching up to touch the bottom pair of the two sets that were on the wall. "And why does he have a whip? And this—" he opened up his closet and noticed a black leather suit hanging up along with a spiked dog collar. "Why would he have this?"

"Sex slaves," Sesshomaru muttered to himself.

"What?" Inuyasha asked.

"Oh, I said, real strange," Sesshomaru told him.

Looking quickly around the room, the older brother found the computer first, a laptop hidden under Naraku's bed. He quickly turned it on. "Oh God! Why does he have a picture of Mom on his desktop!"

"Uh, duh!" Inuyasha said. "That's his wife, remember? And you're his son! Aww, how sweet! A family reunited!" Sesshomaru threw a book at him, but it missed, knocking down a picture of two naked angels joining fingers. "What in the hell," Inuyasha said slowly, looking at it. Sesshomaru didn't notice and went back to getting on the internet.

"There. Now all I have to do is send an e-mail to dad." He typed a quick letter and sent it. "He should be getting it about now." Sesshomaru said, looking at his watch. A few minutes later, though, no response came. "Hmm...maybe I should send another." Still, though, time flew by and no answer came.

"I bet you he's too busy playing that damn Star Wars game." Inuyasha huffed.

Fifty miles to the west, in a very large palace, a party was going on. "Choge, choge, choge, choge!" A crowd of on-lookers chanted as Inutaisho gulped down 40 ounces worth of tequila. All of it disappearing, the room exploded into even more cheers. "Who's up for playing naked Twister?" He called out to everyone and the place erupted with hoots and catcalls.

Back at Naraku's palace, the boys had given up on e-mails. Instead they decided to simply walk the fifty miles back home. But Inuyasha had fallen and twisted his ankle on the first step. Now Sesshomaru carried him on his back, having to deal with his constant nonsense in his ear.

"Sess Sess, I think we should turn here." Inuyasha said, pointing to a left turn in the road. "Sess Sess, should we stop at that gas station up ahead? Sess Sess, I think we should've gone right on Albuquerque. Sess Sess—"

"It's Tom Tom, not Sess Sess! Damn, didn't you learn anything from those GPS commercials?"

Inuyasha ignored him. "Hey, Sess Sess? Why don't you use your flying cloud thing?"

Sesshomaru was ready to protest to his next comment, but thought about it. "You know, Yash Yash, I think you're right!" He conjured up the cloud and a moment later they were in flight.

"From up here you can see everything!" Inuyasha said. "Hey look! There goes Ms. Lanston, our elementary geography teacher. And who's that with her, taking off her shirt? Denzel Washington?"

Sesshomaru looked. "That's not Denzel, you idiot! That's Will Smith!"

"Oh." Inuyasha said and looked over the cloud on the other side.

"Hey, there goes Mom in someone's jacuzzi! Hi Mom!" Inuyasha shouted down to her.

"Hi, honey!" Izayoi called back, snuggling closer to Hugh Heffner.

"Yep, that's mom for you. Always a ho!" Inuyasha threw him a crazy look, then relaxed back to enjoy the ride. Suddenly, his cell phone went off.

"You know, I forgot we had cell phones!" Inuyasha said. Looking at the display screen, Sesshomaru noticed that his read "Inuyasha". He decided to ignore it, until he remembered the answering machine message that he'd put on it two weeks ago.

"Do you wanna get down with the lord of the west?" he heard himself say in his grown-up voice. "If so, dial 1-800-SEX-SESS. I'm here 24/7 and waiting to talk to a fine ass woman. Right now I'm sitting on my bed in nothing but my underwear, oiling up my body, hoping that some sexy lady will call. If that's you, dial 1-800-SEX-SESS. That's 1-800- S-E-X- S-E-S-S. I'll be waiting."

The cloud grew quiet for a few minutes, then... "Sesshomaru, what the hell was that!"

"I was bored," Sesshomaru said. "And besides, that's how I met up with Princess Abi and Yura."

"Who?"

"Never mind." Dialing the palace number, he received the answering machine there. "Hey, you've reached the Inutaisho residence. If I didn't pick up the phone, it's probably because you're either a bill collector, or my mother. In any event that you're not and I still haven't answered the phone, that's probably because I simply don't want to talk to your ass. So you could leave your name, number, and a brief message, and see if I'll get back to you later, but that's not very likely, so you might just wanna save yourself some time and hang up now. Oh, and um... if you're the prostitute from last week, I'll have your money by Monday." A beep followed afterwards.

"Hey, dad, it's me, Sesshomaru. Um...just calling to tell you that I'm on my way home and that I'm fine, no need to worry. I...uh...was just out grabbing a cold one, you know, and um...well, I'm headed back. See ya in a few. Bye."

"That was gay," Inuyasha said.

"Shut the hell up," Sesshomaru retorted. Upon finally arriving back at the palace, they could see at least twenty cars parked outside. Looks like dad's been busy, Sesshomaru thought. They landed in the driveway and went inside, only to stop in the living room entrance.

"Come join us!" a naked Inutaisho said cheerily from his awkward position on the Twister mat. Instead, both boys promptly fainted on the floor