"No. Stay…d-don't leave…"
The days keep passing...hours, minutes, seconds...sunrises and sunsets leaving me slower and slower, letting my true grief last and sink into my heart. I sit here often, saying and doing nothing…my blank stare now a frequent visitor. My hair has grown, covering my ears and face with its natural essence. My eyes sullen and dark as I squint through the rising sun. I don't sleep anymore. I'm like a machine that periodically shuts down…running on low battery for what feels like the rest of eternity. Nothing will ever be the same. Not without her here.
Not without her here.
I live each day…hoping she can see how truly miserable I am. I walk with a heavy heart, broken completely and scarred to a point with no sign of ever healing. I breathe without actual breaths…my chest rising and falling in rhythmic bliss. My heart still aches in sadness, and daily secret tears still flow. I want to remember her as a girl who always smiled…even when her heart was broken. She was the one who could always brighten up a day even if she couldn't brighten her own. I'm lost without that…
Forever sad without that.
I've heard that pain doesn't hurt if it's all you've ever felt. Those small things just shouldn't bother you anymore if they're accustomed to your life. They sneak their way in, affecting everyone around you, but you no longer feel it because you've grown enough to see it coming. Those kinds of situations are repetitive respectively…but something like this, something so unexpected and so God damn surreal will gravely never leave the heart or soul. Sometimes, no matter how much faith we have, we lose people. You never forget them, and sometimes, it's the memories you hold that gives us the strength to go on…keep going…move forward because it's what they would want from you.
Our memories sit on my brain, moving and passing through my thoughts one at a time, over and over again like a sad movie that just won't end. I see everything, sitting alone here and drinking my coffee. Every second I remember. Every word and every tear. I don't know anything anymore exceptI'm pretty fucking confused. I wonder where she is and if the pain will ever end. And I wonder to myself what things will be like now. If I'll stay this way in loving misery forever. I wish I had said something…anything at all. A simple phrase, or sentence, or full on monologue would do. Anything at that moment. A last parting plea or true confession. I guess she was right…I was never good with words.
People always say that these things get easier with time…that you learn to live with the fact even though it still hurts. I guess maybe I broke the mold with this one. I sit and pray…wanting and yelling at God to take my life too. Take me away so I can just see her again. I still have trouble accepting the fact that she's gone. That I'll never be able to see her again. That we won't be able to battle life's hardships together…side by side perpetually. I'll never accept this. Never forgive myself. I couldn't save her…and that's something I can't let go and will carry with me for as long as I live.
I can't accept her fate, so I won't...I won't say it's not gonna get easier. I won't say that what we had will ever be forgotten. She'll always be here. Always live through all of us. I will never understand how what happened can ever be acceptable. I know that sooner or later we'll meet again somewhere and we won't act with sorrow…it'll just be like we went for a while without seeing each other.