Chapter 5 : Preventing self from forming real emotional bonds
Daniel only regretted one thing about his new home on Abydos. He regretted that he had to travel light-years away to find somewhere to fit in. He didn't feel like he belonged, but he did feel comfortable here. The people had been nothing but warm and welcoming in the six months he'd been on the planet. These people had taken him in and he would be forever grateful to them.
And then there was Sha're; this gorgeous woman who he wed accidentally. She was the perfect woman with an amazing heart and personality. And she loved Daniel. That concept alone was foreign to Daniel, very much like the planet he now inhabited. All his life he steered away from any real bonds our of fear of abandonment. But now here was this woman who he could honestly say he cared about and loved. Daniel just wondered if it was the love Sha're was giving him.
Daniel would do anything for this woman. His love for her was unconditional. But deep down Daniel knew that this wasn't where his life would settle. He was only twenty-six. He wanted to do so much more and he knew that he couldn't do that here. He actually longed for the world that had rejected him. He wanted to continue his theories despite the mocking of academia. He even longed for his lazy days of blue jeans, a simple white tee, his converse sneakers, a cup of coffee and a couple chocolate walnut cookies. But that wasn't an option. He opted to stay on Abydos, hoping that this was the place where would belong.
Daniel was happy with Sha're but he wasn't entirely sure that this was the place where he would reside, physically and emotionally. But maybe this was him scared of commitment again. Was it as simple as that same fear that plagued him as he grew up? The fear that made him to afraid to ask Lydia out senior year? The fear he held for years of admitting to his bisexuality until college? The fear that caused him to have sex and not once make love to a man or woman? The insecurities that led him to leave Sarah while he pursued other endeavors?
He didn't know why he couldn't share a relationship with another human being. He never had a best friend or a brother or a sister to fill that void of loneliness in his life. Daniel wanted Sha're to fill that void. He wanted it so badly because he did love her. But was it the real thing. He didn't know. He never knew why the phenomenal bond of companionship eluded him. Daniel just hoped that at some point in the life ahead of him, whether it be on Abydos or Earth or somewhere else, he would find it.