She Drinks a Whiskey Drink…

Author's Note: Written for Adrian Tullberg's "Bruce or Diana get drunk" challenge on the "Taste of Paradise" Batman/Wonder Woman Yahoo! group. Fanfic 100 prompt: Drink. Thanks to Merfilly and Djinn for the beta.

Everyone in the commissary stopped to watch as the League's senior heroines had it out.

Shayera leaned across the table, infuriated. "You were supposed to be watching my back! Where the hell did you go?"

Diana met her halfway, matching her scowl. "I was supposed to be rescuing the survivors. If the ship had blown up, more people would have died. You should have been more careful!"

" 'Careful' is not running off and disobeying orders!" Shayera flexed her broken wing for emphasis.

"Oh, and you've always obeyed orders, haven't you? Even to spy on your own teammates." Diana stood, and moved to pick up her tray. "We're done here."

Shayera grabbed her mace. "We're going to settle this, Princess. Now!"

"Don't make me laugh. You couldn't take me even with both wings working!"

"Wanna bet?"

VvV VvV VvV

Batman had just swung onto the roof of the Stevenson Building when he heard his communicator crackle.

"Watchtower to Batman."

"I'm busy."

Mr. Terrific continued, ignoring Batman's reply. "We need you in Midway City. It's…personal."

"I don't do 'personal.'" He readied his grapple gun.

"It involves Wonder Woman."

"I'll be there. Batman out."

VvV VvV VvV

The bar was about what Batman had expected; a crumbling dive on a part of the Lake Huron waterfront that had definitely seen better days.

Entering, he spotted their table simply by the knot of cheering men around it. He tapped one on the shoulder.

"Yeah? Whaddya –" And then the man's eyes widened, and he shrank back. "Cheese it - the friggin' Batman!" The man turned and ran, with the others following his lead.

Batman approached the table. In a loud voice, Shayera was recounting exactly how human and Thanagarian men differed, and the advantages and disadvantages of each. Seeing Batman, she called out, "Come to take this lightweight home?" She prodded the Amazon, who appeared to be at best, semi-conscious. "Run along, Princess. This place is only for big girls."

Diana opened one bleary eye and hiccupped. "Shut up. I'm bigger 'n you."

Batman surveyed the pile of empty glasses. "Just how much did she drink?"

Shayera counted on her fingers, "She had a whiskey drink, she had a vodka drink, she had a lager drink, she had a cider drink…wait, I lost count." She muttered to herself for a moment, counting on her fingers. "Thirteen… fourteen…fifteen, Batman. Some warrior. I could drink that much when I was twelve."

"I bet you could have." He saw that Diana's eyes were closed again. "Is that what this was? A bet?"

"A competition. She lost."

"Really. So you both thought it was a great idea to settle your differences by going out drinking in full uniform?"

Shayera shrugged. "Seemed like it at the time."

VvV VvV VvV

Batman hoped that Diana wouldn't throw up in the Batplane. Unlike a commercial aircraft, the seats didn't contain barf bags – and he didn't think she'd have the coordination to use one successfully, anyway.

He briefly considered taking her home to the Themysciran embassy, but realized quickly that he might not be able to get her inside without alerting the staff, which would make it even harder to suppress the story. No, she had to come with him. There were plenty of guest rooms in the Manor. Alfred could keep an eye on her until she sobered up.

Except that...maybe Amazon physiology differed enough from human physiology such that it would be worth studying. He'd let Alfred sleep, and monitor her himself. In the interests of science, of course.

Diana stirred. "Wha…did I win?"

He looked at her out of the corner of his eye. She seemed to be reaching for something.

"No. You lost. Go back to sleep." He returned his attention to piloting the plane.

"Bruce?"

"What?"

"Bruce?" She sounded a little more desperate the second time.

"I'm right here. What do you want?"

"I'm gonna –"

He heard the truly impressive sound of an Amazon heaving her guts out – all over the instrument panel. He hoped the vomit wouldn't short out the electronics.

VvV VvV VvV

Batman unbuckled Diana's seatbelt and maneuvered his reeking burden into a fireman's carry. He figured that the facedown position would make her much less likely to choke, should she puke again.

Alfred appeared. "Rough night, Master Bruce?"

"I'd say so."

"I daresay the plane will need some extra cleaning?"

He reached the stairs. "How'd you guess?"

Diana groaned.

"If you're going to throw up again, Princess, do it here, not on the rugs."

"Okay."

He grimaced as he heard the splatter behind him. "That wasn't an order."

There was no response. She must have passed out again.

For once, he wished he lived in a modest suburban house, where a bathroom was never more than a hundred feet away.

VvV VvV VvV

In better circumstances, Batman would have savored the opportunity to learn what lay under Diana's uniform, but the stench dampened his ardor considerably. He placed her in the huge tub in the master bathroom and stripped off her uniform, hardly glancing at her body. He tossed her soiled garments into the nearby shower stall, then, after a moment's thought, added his own – minus the underwear – to them. There was no point to getting the Batsuit any dirtier.

He ran some water, adjusted the temperature, lowered the stopper, then climbed in. Diana didn't seem to notice his presence.

He heard a knock on the door. "Come in."

Alfred entered with a tray holding a large pitcher of ice water and a glass. His usual British calmness remained, even at the sight of his mostly nude master attempting to clean vomit from a completely nude Amazon. "I presumed she would need this, sir."

"I'm sure she will."

Alfred placed the tray on the counter nearest the tub, and then opened a cabinet. Extracting several towels and two bathrobes, he hung them on the towel warmer and turned it on. "Do let me know if there's anything else you need."

"I think I can handle it from here, Alfred."

The conversation roused Diana. She murmured, "I c'n take care of m'self."

"Yeah. Right."

She stared at him. "You're…you're naked!"

"Just about." He focused on using the washcloth to wipe away every speck of debris on her chest. Don't look at her breasts. Don't look at her breasts.

Too late.

"Did we…did we just…?"

He decided not to make this any easier for her. "Did we just what?"

He rinsed the washcloth under the faucet, and moved on to her back. She resisted his attempts to turn her, so he leaned her against his shoulder and brought his arm around behind her.

"You know…have sex? Did we just have sex?"

"No," he said, a bit more sharply than he'd intended. His wet briefs were starting to chafe.

"Oh." Diana sounded disappointed. She sat up, tried to free herself from his arms.

His mind warned him not to pursue this, but he was curious to see if all of her previous flirting had merely been an act. "Is that what you want? To have sex with me?"

"Yeah. But you won't. You have" – she hiccupped – "issues. You don't want me."

She must not be looking down.

"I do want you," he heard himself say.

"Really?" She leaned over to kiss him. He caught a whiff of her sour breath.

"Really," he said, gently pushing her back. "But I don't think tonight's the night."

VvV VvV VvV

Carrying a tray which held a carafe of water and a glass, Bruce entered the darkened bedroom. He raised the window shade before sitting down on the bed.

Diana winced.

He smirked. "Let me guess: you didn't know that Thanagarians have a near-meta tolerance for alcohol?"

She groaned. "Lights. Out. Now."

"I'll take that as a 'no.'"

"Ugh." She grabbed the pillow he'd used and put it over her face. "Go 'way."

"This is my house, Diana. I give the orders." He poured a glass of water and held it out to her. "Drink this."

She raised the pillow, sat up, and sipped the water. "Somebody get Hephaestus's hammers out of my head."

"Drink it all."

"Quit shouting, all right?" She handed him the empty glass.

He refilled it, and handed it to her again. "Have some more. You're dehydrated. Water's about the only thing you wouldn't drink last night."

"Is that why my mouth tastes like the desert?" She swallowed a few times. "Did I say anything stupid?"

"I don't know. You were practically passed out when I got there."

She quirked a smile and attempted to punch him. "No, I mean, once you brought me home."

"Nothing that stupid. You were drunk, Diana. It happens."

"I think I remember…something about you and me in a bathtub. Wish I could remember more details. But I think you looked pretty cute out of the Kevlar."

"Did I?"

"Yeah." Diana said, sighing. "Guess that was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity." She gave him the glass and lay back on the pillow. "You ready to kick me out now? I'm not sure I'm ready to fly."

"I think you can rest a while longer." He leaned over and kissed her on the forehead. "Once you're feeling better, we can talk."

She closed her eyes. "The Batman wants to talk? Dionysus, I must still be drunk."

"Stranger things have happened." He pulled down the shade and left the room, closing the door behind him.

The End