A/N :- A really quick update this time. I'm in two minds about this chapter, there are things a I love about it and things I hate, it's a case of me having some decent ideas but not the skill to write them as well as I would have liked. So sorry about that!

Chapter 17

Pain On Pain

Rodney had brought him pastry. John looked at the plate in front of him and cleared his throat in an effort to hold back the grin that was threatening to appear on his face. Sometimes McKay offered up the opportunity to tease him on a plate and this time he'd done so literally. John raised his eyebrows slightly and turned to his companion, keeping a serious expression.

"Rodney, are you trying to tell me something?" The scientist looked back at him blankly. "It's real nice of you to bring me pastry, and I'm flattered and everything, but I just don't feel that way about you." He couldn't help breaking into a smirk, especially at the expression on McKay's face when the penny finally dropped and he remembered the conversation they'd had about Frischmann back under the Irithian city two weeks before.

"Ha! Ha! Very funny, rather like your hair in that photograph Elizabeth has."

"What photograph?" John asked, both perplexed and curious.

Rodney's trademark smug smile glowed even brighter. "You'll have to ask her about that. So, how long before Beckett releases you?"

"He hasn't said yet but I'm walking on my own, well kind of, and if I'm a good boy he's going to let me take a shower all by myself later. Now what's this about a photo…" At that moment McKay's eyes snapped up at the sound of a voice talking to Carson and John turned around and took in the blonde soldier. "So that's her, huh?"

"Yep!" McKay waved his hand in the air and John couldn't help but smile at the slight flush in the scientist's cheeks. "Izzy! Come and meet Colonel Sheppard." She walked over, smiling politely, and Sheppard had to admit that McKay had good taste. Reaching the bedside, she saluted crisply.

"Glad to finally meet you, sir. Well, we kinda already met but this time you're conscious."

"That's always useful when making new acquaintances, I find. So, you haven't shot Rodney yet, I'm impressed." McKay sneered at him while the captain chuckled.

"I find as long as you keep his sugar and caffeine levels up, he's fine. Though if you have any advice on how to handle Ronon, I'm all ears."

"Ah, Chewie's not so bad."

"Chewie?" She raised her eyebrows.

"The Colonel is under the delusion that he's Han Solo."

"Rodney's C-3PO," John added with a beaming smile.

She smiled back nervously and glanced at McKay. John knew that a lot of the new recruits to Atlantis found him difficult to judge at first; he wasn't your average commanding officer. After a brief moment she seemed to realise this was normal behaviour for him and relaxed.

"Now you come to mention it, there is a resemblance." Rodney folded his arms in indignation and she positively beamed at him. "Well, I'd better get going. I'll see you later, Rodney. Good to finally meet you, Sir."

"You too." She was barely out of earshot before he turned to McKay. "As much as I hate to admit this, I think she actually does like you."

"Told you so." Rodney answered smugly.

John shook his head "And at first she seemed so normal. I'm going to have to read the psych reports on new recruits a little more closely in future."

"You're a real comedian today, aren't you? So how long roughly before you can come back on active duty?" John looked away and busied himself pulling the pastry apart; he knew active duty was a long way off and he wasn't up to thinking about it just yet.

"Rodney, you're looking at months. I thought you'd be keen to keep Frischmann around a little longer."

"Well, yes, but it wouldn't be very professional of me to ask her out on a date while we're on the same team."

"So you only want me back so you can hit on her?"

"No, not just that. It's not quite the same without you," he admitted. "I just want the old gang back together." The old gang? An image of Aiden Ford flashed through John's mind, one more person he'd let down. "Sheppard? You okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine."

McKay shifted uncomfortably and leaned toward John. When he spoke, his voice was lower. "You know if you need to talk to someone about…stuff, I'm here." The sentiment was genuine but he could tell by the tone of voice that McKay was hoping he wouldn't take him up on the offer.

"Stuff?"

"You know what I mean, about what happened to you, what they did to you." He looked embarrassed. "We're worried about you."

"We? Been talking about me, huh?"

McKay sighed with frustration and rolled his eyes. "As a matter of fact, yes. I know you think you can cope with this on your own but you can't."

"I never said it wouldn't take a little time."

"I know, and no one's expecting miracles, but…you laugh and smile and try and act like it's all okay but it's not, is it?"

"You've been talking to Heightmeyer."

"Which is more than you've been doing." Irritable was a far more natural state for McKay than sympathetic. "You know she won't sign you fit for duty until you talk to her and, under the circumstances, I don't blame her. Have you told anyone what happened to you while you were held captive?"

"I told you."

"No. No, you didn't."

"Why are you doing this? Why can't you just leave me alone to deal with it in my own way?"

"Because you're not dealing, you're just avoiding."

It was John's turn to roll his eyes. "Now you're starting to sound like her; if you even think about using the word 'closure' I will not be responsible for my actions." The curtain to the left of his bed was drawn back sharply and a visibly irritated Scottish doctor glared at them.

"There are other patients in this infirmary. Keep your bloody voices down."

"Sorry, Doc. Rodney was now leaving." The scientist snorted and stomped out of the room. John tried to ignore the stab of regret at the argument as he watched the scientist leave.

OoOoo

All those weeks alone in his cell and he'd craved just the sound of a human voice but now, after 12 days stuck in the infirmary, a large proportion of those flat on his back unable to move, the prospect of just a few moments in a room on his own had him almost buzzing with excitement. He pushed the feeling back, attempting to radiate his usual nonchalant air, but he suspected he was failing miserably. His feet were twitching, eager to get out of the bed, but he was patient, not wanting to lose this newly-earned privilege. How bad had things got that he was this excited at being allowed to have a shower on his own? Of course, they wouldn't let him lock the door and he'd only get a few minutes but it was something normal and it seemed a lifetime since anything in his life had been normal.

They'd been slowly getting him back on his feet the last few days; the first time he'd stood up, the room had spun wildly and it had been only the nurse and Carson holding him up as his legs turned to jelly beneath him. But slowly he'd been able to take a few steps on his own; it was standing up that was the worst part, mainly due to the pain in his ribs. He'd been having physio, even when he'd had the epidural catheter in, and God was he pleased to see the back of that. The nurses had come and exercised his legs for him to prevent further muscle atrophy. How pathetic had he felt laying there, unable to feel a thing, while nurses moved his legs for him?

As soon as he saw Carson and one of the nurses, a unerringly cheerful guy by the name of Pete, heading his way, he swung his legs slowly over the edge of the bed. He was still in considerable pain with his ribs and his hand was still useless but since when did he let little things like that get in his way?

"I see you're raring to go. Are you sure you're feeling up to this?" For a brief moment he felt a stab of panic, thinking that they'd changed their minds and weren't going to let him do this, but then he saw the twinkle in the Scotsman's eyes and relaxed, even forcing a smile.

"I'm good to go."

"Okay, now slowly does it." They took up positions one either side of him, letting him put his weight on them rather than trying to hold him up. Once on his feet, it took a moment to orientate himself but now he was upright he actually felt fairly steady and was able to let go. "Now remember, if you feel dizzy or need help, don't hesitate to pull the alarm cord, okay? Pete will be waiting outside for you so don't be a bloody martyr. If I have to pick you up off the bathroom floor you'll be back in bed for another week, do you hear me?"

"Yes, Doc."

"I'm serious, Colonel."

"I assure you Doc, so am I." His feet padded across the cold floor to the bathroom and he couldn't hold back the smile as he pushed the door closed behind him. He'd been dressed in a hospital gown and robe so it wouldn't take him much to undress. Carson had been worried that he'd feel claustrophobic in the tight space but there was nothing here in this brightly lit little room, smelling of a strangely calming mixture of soap and pine disinfectant. Stepping forward, he ran the shower, turning around and dropping the robe and gown onto the towel rail. Then he looked up. He'd not seen a mirror since he'd got back, even shaving was something someone else had done for him, and he hadn't seen a mirror the whole time he'd been held captive. Shock wasn't the word; it was like looking at a stranger. Of course, he knew about his weight loss and that the bruising was still fading. He knew about his hair, he'd even joked with Elizabeth about how they'd given him a damn buzz cut and she'd laughed about how it showed off his pointy ears. He knew about the still-angry scar on his scalp. He knew all those things but it hadn't prepared him for the reality of seeing it. If he looked like this now just how bad had he looked when they'd first seen him? He felt an irrational flush of embarrassment at people seeing him like this.

The knock at the door brought him back to himself and he heard the deep, southern accent of Pete the nurse asking him if he was okay.

"Yeah, I'm good. Just give me a few more minutes." Tearing his vision away from the mirror, he stepped under the warm water, tipping his head back and letting it run over his face, but any thought of enjoying such a simple pleasure as being able to wash himself had disappeared. He quickly grabbed the shower gel and finished. Pulling the robe on awkwardly, he called for Pete and, as the nurse helped him dress in fresh scrubs, he made sure to keep his back to the mirror.

ooOoo

Elizabeth had been sitting at his bedside for ten minutes. She knew he was awake, the muscles in his face were just a little bit too tense, his breathing too even, but he showed no signs of opening his eyes or acknowledging her presence. She never knew what she'd find when she came to visit him. His moods had become erratic; sometimes he was cheerful and talkative, other times he was like this, pretending to be asleep to avoid a conversation. She'd have been offended if it wasn't for the fact that she knew he was like this with everyone.

Sighing, she stood up. If he wanted to be left alone then that's what she'd do. She stepped through the curtain and nearly walked into Carson.

"Elizabeth, are you alright, love?"

"I'm fine, just…frustrated. Has he talked to Kate any more?"

"Define talking." Elizabeth rubbed her temples and Carson gently put his hand on her shoulder. "You know how stubborn he can be. We just need to give him time, under the circumstances depression is normal."

"I know but he's become so erratic. One minute he's laughing and joking the next…you know he swore at Teyla yesterday? Teyla, of all people! He's pushing away the people who care about him most. I just want the old John Sheppard back" She folded her arms and glanced back at the bed. "We left him there all that time, Carson. I just can't help but feel we've let him down."

ooOoo

John couldn't quite believe what he was hearing. Elizabeth thought she'd let him down? What a joke. While Atlantis had been going through hell, he'd been sitting in a cell crying for his parents and waiting to die - wanting to die. And then Iestyn had given him hope and McKay had come and he'd fought it, believed that once he was home everything would be okay - but it wasn't. He was reduced to this, laying in a hospital bed, unable to walk around the ward twice without feeling tired. Warren had a lost a leg and was in better shape than him.

Had he really sworn at Teyla? He couldn't remember clearly what he'd said, just that he'd wanted to be left alone; her constant sympathy had become unbearable, just like Elizabeth's. He didn't want sympathy or pity. Elizabeth had said she wanted the old John Sheppard back, well so did he.

ooOoo

Elizabeth looked at the young Genii woman sitting across the conference room table from her. Caldwell sat to the left in-between them and two marines stood guard at the door.

"So, the Irithians were successful in repelling the Genii force?" Elizabeth asked.

"Kolya's force." Sora corrected her. "Not all of the Genii supported his actions."

"We've heard nothing from the Irithian council."

"And I doubt you will. They expelled us with little thanks once the situation had been resolved. They lost many people and have decided that they are better to stay out of the affairs of others. They will retreat back under their mountain and stay there." All three of them turned at the commotion outside the door. Elizabeth was shocked to see John standing outside in scrubs and robe, arguing with the marines. The two soldiers looked from the senior officer to Elizabeth and she nodded reluctantly. John smiled haughtily at the two men before entering the conference room.

"John, what are you doing here? You look exhausted." He didn't so much as glance at Elizabeth, looking instead straight at Sora.

"Kolya?" He leaned forward, resting his one good hand on the table and putting far too much of his weight on it for Elizabeth's liking. She silently signaled for the marines to call for Carson and stood up, walking over to him. "Tell me he's dead." Elizabeth touched his arm gently.

"John, sit down." He didn't shift his gaze from the Genii.

"I need to know." Sora looked away.

"I don't know. I'm sorry."

"What the hell do you mean, you don't know?"

"He escaped the city but was seriously injured. I've heard nothing since." Elizabeth wouldn't have thought it possible but John visibly paled. Pulling out a chair, she guided him into it.

"He's still alive," he whispered.

"We don't know that for sure." Caldwell interjected. "If there's been no news then maybe that's a good sign. How are things on the Genii homeworld?" John stared at the floor, pain etched on his face and when Elizabeth crouched down and reached out for his hand he gripped hers tightly.

"Tense." Sora admitted. "There is still much debate over Ladon's ability to lead. There is talk of some kind of election."

"Well, that's promising," said the older Colonel. John looked up and briefly met Elizabeth's eyes.

"No offence, Sir, but democracy only works if we like the guy they elect. If there's an election, Kolya will come out of the woodwork and when he does he'll come after us again…and again and again…" Elizabeth squeezed his hand.

"We won't let that happen. He's not going to do this to you again."

"It's not about me. It's all of us. He'll never stop until he has Atlantis. I should have killed him when I had the chance."

"But you didn't because you're a good man." John let out a bitter laugh.

"And look where that's got me." He turned his attention back to Sora. "Um…there was a Irithian guard, his name was Iestyn, he…"

"Helped you escape," she finished for him, her voice quiet and her eyes uncertain. "I'm sorry, but the council convicted him of treason for helping you. He was executed." John's stared at her disbelieving. His breathing grew rapid and he gasped for air as panic overtook him. Elizabeth put her hand to her ear, shouting into her comm.

"Where the hell is that med team? Get up here now!"

She could only watch helplessly while John rocked back and forth muttering under his panting breath, an endless stream of "No, no, no…"