Note: All Suikoden elements belong to Konami.

Rebirth

Chapter 15: Exchange

by ArchFaith

The room in which the pair found themselves in was much like the one they had just left, save for the fact that it contained two beds instead of just one. The blonde swordsman, apparently tired and exhausted, immediately crossed the room and sank down onto one of the beds, letting the soft, feathered mattress cushion his fall as he let out a deep sigh. His gaze immediately wandered over to the vampire's nervous eyes.

"Going to sit down, old girl?" he asked; she could not read his tones. His voice was neutral; certainly not very friendly, but yet without a harsh edge. If anything, the voice was curious, and rightly so; for it was not everyday that a supposedly long-lost lover was reunited with the man she…

Reunited. That was not quite the right word; no. Reunions were happy, they were times of joy. And this little meeting, this talk they would have—it was anything but joyful.

She slowly crossed the room, her feet gently sliding against the wooden floorboards as she gracefully came over to where Nash sat, her arms crossed over her chest. She sat down next to him, quite uncomfortable in the steady azure gaze which had so enticed and excited her so many years ago. The point of the matter was…there was nothing she could say to him. She could not accuse; nor could she chide. For the fault was hers and hers alone, and no errors had been committed on his part. She braced herself silently, painfully; now would come the waterfall. Not the waterfall outside the inn, falling to the valley below; but the waterfall of words, of anger and resentment, reminders of the sins she had committed for her own selfish, confused reasons.

I deserve as much. It is about time.

He was observing her, now; his eyes locked onto hers, and they held each other in wary, self-protective caution. After all these years, she looked completely unchanged; the silvery hair, the white skin, those ruby red eyes which had promised him paradise—all the same. But her mannerisms…ah, this was the difference. The Sierra he had known and loved had been assertive, self-serving, and pompous—the same qualities which, he supposed, had caused her to abandon him and Sylvia over seven years ago. And yes, he was angry; angry beyond description, as it where, angry to the point that he wished he had never even set out for the waterfall with Sylvia in the first place. Then he would have never met up with this bitch of a woman again…he could have just kept on believing his assumptions, that she had forgotten about them and moved on, just as he had tried so many times to do when he thought about her…

But no; the unhappy meeting had begun, and now it had to run its course. The vampire guiltily averted her eyes to the floor, placing her hands on her lap as she fingered the fabric of her light blue skirt with two slender fingers.

"Nash…I realize this is a very improbable situation we have found ourselves in," she began, her voice low and even, straining to keep the true emotion from bubbling out into the surface. "But understand…I did not know you would be here tonight. I came upon the girl in pure coincidence…I did not know who she was until she started talking with me."

The blonde man nodded; out of all the things Sierra had been in the time he knew her, she was not a liar. "I know…" he answered simply. "It's a good thing you were there." What would have happened to Sylvia had Sierra not been there to protect her…? With all the power and intelligence the little girl possessed, surely she could not have defended herself from that ravenous beast…so, it was a trade-off. Sylvia's life had been spared; and for that, he now found himself subjected to torture in the form of a silver-haired woman's voice.

We shouldn't have taken the high road; I should have mapped out a different route…

"What were you doing around here?" he asked her, suddenly; it was not time for difficult conversation as of yet. No; they would ease themselves into this. The awkwardness which so pervaded the atmosphere would not be lessened unless the groundwork had first been laid.

The vampire shook her head, in quiet reflection. "I do not know," she answered. "I heard about this waterfall from the villagers in a town a few miles from here…I decided it was worth taking a look." Was it worth it, in the end? To stumble upon one's own child and then to have to meet with her anger-wrought father? Was it worth it? She pushed the question out of her head as she looked back to the blonde swordsman. "And you? Why were you here?"

"My newest assignment," he answered. "Sasarai asked me to deliver some messages to an agent in Vinay del Zexay."

"And you brought the girl with you?"

He ran a few fingers through his wavy hair. "I thought it would be a good idea," he said. "No dangerous tasks this time...or so I thought."

She nodded, noting with grim amusement the irony in his voice.

For a few moments they were silent again, both struggling to find an adequate voice to relay their true thoughts and feelings. At least they could speak to each other; a start. But to accurately convey the depths of emotion they both felt at the time…was it possible? To tell, in a few short sentences, the impact the other had made upon their lives in the past few years?

Sierra's eyes slowly wandered to the small window set on the other side of the room, curtains pulled back as it let in the soft, white moonlight. A window…she could leave him, once again. She could slip out and disappear into the night, as she had done so many times before; this conversation would then be over. And she could make sure she would never see either Nash or the girl again…yes, things could return to normal…

Normal…normal…?

No; she would stay and endure. As easy as it was to run away, she had done it so many times before—after the adventure with Rean, her first departure from Caleria…and then the third, damning abandonment of the only person in the world who had ever been able to see into her heart. And as far as she was concerned, mental torture was the least of her worries.

"Nash…I must confess, I really do not know where to begin," she whispered, folding her hands in her lap. "I know that your anger with me is unfathomable, and that I have no right to even so much as look at your daughter." The pain stung; your daughter. But she could never truly call Sylvia her own; of course she had given birth to the child, had nourished it within her body. But these things were not her own choices; Nash, however, had made his own regarding the tiny baby lying in his arms so many years ago.

The swordsman crossed his arms over his chest, in a seemingly defensive gesture. "If you feel that way, Sierra, then maybe you should clear out." His once neutral tones now took on a more aggressive nature; knitting his eyebrows, he frowned over at her. He would not spare her; if there was something he felt should be said, so be it. "It isn't like I really want you here in the first place."

"I know," she answered quickly. "But…please," she continued, looking at him with a steady ruby gaze. "I will not stay long…but, as cold-hearted and cruel as I have been…I must ask one thing of you. Please…indulge me one last time. I would just like to know a few things before I leave…you must answer my questions for me. If you do this for me, I will leave and travel far away; you will never lay eyes on me again. As unworthy as I am," she continued, now averting her eyes to her lap, "I would be eternally grateful if you allow me to ask you a few questions about the years gone by."

He blinked slowly. Her words wrung true in his mind; she wasn't worthy at all. In all truth, he should have shown her the door right then and there; but then, in retrospect, what good would this do? As much as he loathed her presence, if they parted ways now all would still be unresolved. He would never know why she left, or what she thought of Sylvia now that she had actually seen the girl; she, in turn, would leave knowing nothing about the life he had led for the past seven years. Too many questions left unanswered on both their parts, and a meeting like this would not happen again. Even though Sierra was an immortal, he was not; and though she might be around to witness the countless ages to come, he would one day die an old man.

He sighed, and decided to put aside his initial feelings of resentment. For now, he would allow her to speak; perhaps, in this one night, the unsettled emotions and questions in his mind could be put to rest. Maybe this meeting was a good thing…

Maybe.

"Go ahead, old girl," he whispered, propping himself up against the soft mattress with his arms. "What is it that you want to know?"

The vampire hesitated for an instant; but with one swift glance of her eyes to his own, she spoke. "How have you fared since I departed, my boy? What did you do…how did you raise her?" She unclasped her hands and laid them squarely in her lap. "Truly…you have no idea how many times I have wondered this myself…"

If you wondered about it so many times, why didn't you come back to find out? he thought grimly as he contemplated his answer; there were many layers to this question. And the truth had to be told. And tell he would, as unrelenting and insulting as it was to her. Leaning forward, with a quick flash of anger in his eyes, he turned to her.

"Things weren't exactly easy after you left, Sierra…those first few months…" He momentarily closed his eyes. "I'd call them the most difficult of my life so far." Noticing her frowning expression, the underlying irritation in his voice rose to an almost tangible tone. "I guess I'm used to it now…seven years is a long time to adjust. But back then, I didn't know what to do. I had to keep working, but someone had to look after Sylvia…Joker helped me out a bit there. An old woman he knew back from when he was a kid agreed to help me look after her…to this day, whenever I go on missions, that's who Sylvia stays with."

The vampire nodded, in silent reception. "And…she goes to school?"

The blonde man nodded. "Yeah…it's a school for Harmonian children living in Caleria. Lena and Yulie made me promise to send her there…"

The vampire's eyes opened a little wider. "Lena and Yulie?" She had heard those names before from him…long-ago, forgotten people… "Do you mean your aunt and sister?"

Nash nodded, running a tanned hand through his sandy hair as he spoke. "A lot has happened in seven years, Sierra…Sylvia was only two years old when all of a sudden they showed up at my doorstep one day. They had been tracking me down for months, and finally located me in Caleria…heh, you can imagine their surprise when I told them I had a daughter…" A fleeting image of his aunt and sister's shocked faces quickly ran through his head; if the situation had not been so awkward, he would have chuckled on the inside.

"Ah…" Sierra said simply, with a sudden twist of regret now churning inside her stomach. "A good development indeed…do they visit you often?"

"They make it a point to try and come every year," Nash answered, looking back at her. "I was pretty happy about that."

"Yes...and rightly so."

For a fleeting moment the horrible silence pervaded the atmosphere once again; the vampire shifted her eyes to the floor as Nash turned to her in curiosity. "And how about you, old girl?" he asked, his voice low. "What have you been up to all these years?"

So he had asked the question, the dreaded inquiry; he had been good at keeping the conversation amiable, but of course there were answers that needed to be shared. Now was the time—the vampire took a deep breath as she lowered her eyes to the floor. Even now he was still being patient with her. He was always sweet to me, she thought, the bittersweet memories running through her brain as she braced herself; he had been patient with her all along, and aside from a few glares or sharp gestures, he had attempted to be civil with her—a lover to the very end.

"Well," she began, with a slight sigh, "after you and I parted ways…I wandered, once again. But I did not go back to the Blue Moon Village…that place holds too many memories for me. Instead I decided to traverse the world, and see it in all its glory..." Her voice trailed slightly as she pondered the irony of her words; glory. Of course. The world could only be beautiful to her if she had something to live for.

Nash nodded, aware that a steady, angry curiosity was building up inside of him as he listened to her explanation. "Where did you go?"

The vampire nodded her head dismissively. "Many places…Toran, Gregminster…Vinay del Zexay…and many more." She lowered her head with a distinct sadness as she went over the hundreds of cities and villages she had seen over the past seven years. "They were all grand, I suppose."

Now here was the paradox, Nash thought grimly as he observed her grieving eyes, and the guilty gesture upon her face: why had she left in the first place? He thought he understood her, but for the last seven years he had reflected on the mysterious occurrence—why had she done it? She had been happy with him, in her own way; every glance of her narrowed eyes, each coy kiss she placed against his cheek—these had been the things that communicated to him the fact that she was content. Then again, Sierra had always possessed an inherently strange disposition. So then why? He had to ask her…it was his right, after all. For seven years he had grieved their broken relationship, all the while striving to raise the very child they had created together. Yes…Sylvia. He had to tell Sierra what he learned about Sylvia…

But not until she answered his questions.

"Sierra," he began solemnly, looking over to her. She raised her head, anticipating his next move. "You know what I'm about to ask you…"

She nodded with a dull understanding. "Yes…I will tell you if you ask me."

He did not delay. "Then why? Why did you leave us like that? Not just me, but the little girl you gave birth to that very night…." his tone rose in intensity; conscious of his rising emotions, he lowered his voice to a dangerous whisper. "I've been patient with you so far, old girl…but tell me. I've waited long enough for this."

His eyes seemed to bore into her soul; beneath the passionate azure orbs she could see the deep pain that had torn him apart for several years past. The anger…would she ever truly understand it? Her own pain, her regrets…could it be equal to his? Greater? It was definitely not less.

She had to tell him. Unsure of what to say, her mind blocked and thoughts disjointed, she began to speak.

"I am a selfish woman, Nash…you have always known this. Even when we became lovers you knew that I always put myself before others. Even when I grew to love you I would always think of myself before you—"

"You loved me?" he interjected, eyes widening. His face had taken on a critical tone now. "Tell me truthfully, Sierra…did you ever truly love me?"

Surprised by his sudden question, she looked at him with grieved eyes. He never knew…? But she had never told him…throwing aside all self-imposed restrictions, she realized she had nothing to lose.

"Yes…I did really love you," she whispered, a red tear forming at the base of her eyelashes. "As I still do."

He did not reply, and she quickly decided to move on. "I cannot really explain to you why I ran away that night," she said, bringing a pale hand up to her eyes. "I suppose I was thinking of many things. Firstly, I still could not believe that I was now a mother…that I had done the impossible, become a vampire who had given birth to a human child. A small part of myself did not want that responsibility…it had been so long since I had cared for another person that I had forgotten exactly how to care. In truth to leave was the last thing I desired…but that self-serving, cruel part of me prevailed that night. I acted upon this."

Her tears were flowing freely now; wiping them away with her hands, she continued. "There were other things as well…how could a newborn child have a vampire for a mother? A woman so jaded, so uncaring that I actually considered getting rid of her before she was born? How could I have lived with her, knowing that if it had not been for your intervention she might have been mere garbage, a small dead body lying in a trash heap, unloved…unwanted…all because of my own selfish desires…?"

Her eyes quickly darted to the closed door, the room in which the little girl lay. "She is the most beautiful thing I have ever witnessed, the night she was born as well as now…you have been both mother and father to her, Nash. You have loved her and raised her, and nurtured her to be the child she is now…these are things I never could have done."

He suddenly placed a hand upon her shoulder, in support; grateful, she nodded, her teary face twisted with inner pain as she looked to him. "You should have had so much better, my boy…not I, an ancient woman who remains rooted in her old ways. You should marry, have a proper family with a young wife who will support you and care for you and Sylvia…I am but a careless, foolish woman.

"And so…those are the reasons, I suppose. The explanation for something I can never apologize for…" She raised her eyes to his, now; her ruby orbs met his azure spheres, and she quickly shifted her eyes away, to the cold stone floor beneath her. "I do not expect you to understand…but I would just like you to know one thing…" Her voice trailed as she willfully looked back to him, holding a steady gaze with his piercing eyes.

"That I have suffered more than you can know."

She stood up, gently taking his hand off her shoulder. With a heavy gait she slowly crossed the room, heading over to the small window that stood opposite the two beds. Leaning her hands against the sill, she sighed as she looked out at the cold, dark world, surely a reflection of the future she was to endure.

He rose, his cloaks rustling against his body as he came over to the window to join her. As he came up behind her, she realized it was the closest they had been to each other all evening; an odd feeling welled up in her heart as she peered over her shoulder, watching his ungloved hands wrap almost comfortingly around her shoulders.

"I can't forgive you for what you've done, Sierra," he whispered into her ear, his face dangerously close as her lithe body brushed up against his muscular frame. "I don't know if I really understand…maybe I do. But I'm not sure…" She turned around suddenly, and found her face only inches away from his. "But you have to understand that it was hard, old girl."

"I can only imagine," she answered. With a sudden involuntary movement she found herself wrapping her arms around his neck; he quickly pulled her into a tight embrace, wrapping his arms around her waist as she laid her head on his shoulder, the rapid beating of his heart audible as she brought a pale hand to his chest.

"Do you want me to tell you about Sylvia?" he asked, running his fingers through her silvery hair, pulling her body closer to his.

"Yes," she whispered into his ear, embracing him tightly. "Is she a normal child, Nash? Or a spirit of some sort…or…"

He shook his head as he gently ran his hands up and down the small of her back. "Sylvia is…something else, old girl. Look…I know that from here we don't really know where to go. But before we decide what to do…whether we part or whether we stay…" Her heart fluttered faintly as she listened to this statement "…I have to tell you what I learned about Sylvia."

"Yes," she murmured again, burying her face into his cloaked shoulder. "Please…you must tell me everything."

To be continued…

Ahhh…this is the first chapter of any fanfic I've written while I wasn't at home…I just finished my first week of college…it's actually been pretty good so far! I hope everyone finds this chapter satisfactory…it's another one of those connection chapters. I originally wanted it to be longer, but I didn't wanna be putting people to sleep! So please review and tell me what you thought of it! College is a little difficult for me to adjust to…but I'm sure I'll get used to it in time. Just need some encouragement right now, I think…

Eni Li'Nave: Hehe, well Nash didn't burn her too badly…but yeah, Sylvia does give Sierra a serious guilt trip. Hehe…she's quite a little lady. For an original character, I rather like her myself. As for roadbumps…well…I'll see what I can do!

celeste9: Thanks so much! I'm so glad everyone likes Sylvia! I didn't really know what to make of Nash when I played Suikoden III either, but he really is a very complex character when you learn more about him….oh, the things he's been through. Sierra even more so…

Next chapter: So what exactly is Sylvia? How was she conceived, and what of the rune on her hand? What does Nash know about her…and where did he learn it from? Stay tuned!