CHAPTER FIVE: I NEED TWO BIG BOTTLES... BY TONIGHT!
"And so, Second Impact had a huge impact on Japan's fishing industry, thus causing an economic failure that was destined to..." The teacher prattled on and on while Tristan slept peacefully in his Graphic Design 2 class. Asuka, Shinji, and Rei were all also asleep as the teacher was prattling on and on about Second Impact when they could actually be learning about something useful.
Just as Asuka was lightly dozing off to sleep, her computer pleasantly beeped at her. She looked up at the screen with tired eyes and noticed it was from Tristan. "What do you want?" She rattled out in English to Tristan. Her typing was mediocre at best during her lack of sleep, but it worked.
The computer softly beeped again, its blue window showing the reply from Tristan telling her about an enduro race at the Fuji speedway that featured not only cars, but motorcycles with sidecars as well. This didn't make much sense to Asuka, so she typed back to him as to why motorcycles were allowed at the race.
"Apparently only one is allowed!" Tristan replied to her questions.
"Better watch out for the Circuit driving Yakuza!" she replied as her news memo popped up with new information about how a seven foot tall man with a blood red shirt and a black overcoat, mumbling about having ÒNo witnessesÓ, was seen going to the Fuji Speedway. She closed it as some crazy coincidence of a guy she knew in one of her nightmares with her marrying some guy who played terrible rock music, never mind the one who was pathetically ugly and claimed to have had a parent in the US FBI, and one that was some sort of big breasted adventurer. "You should go and win!!"
"But of course I will! My Eclipse was BORN for the track!"
Tristan threw a piece of crumpled paper at Rei's sleeping head and she bolted upright, confused as to what was going on. The teacher was still yodling about Second Impact and she looked around to see who threw the piece of paper. When she couldnÕt find them, she went back to sleep, her eyes happily closing once more.
"We better wrap up for today!" The teacher said, looking at his watch. "Remember to do your homework and make sure you get those designs done by the end of next week!" Everyone in the entire class had their work done, but the teacher didn't know that, so it was just a matter of getting an A in the class that all that mattered.
Tristan walked over to Asuka after the class was through and started chatting with her about the endurance race that was that afternoon. Luckily, thanks to his NERV status and his skills, he was able to get himself registered for the event. Truly Tristan was a supreme hacker too.
"I'm so going to win this endurance race, Asuka!" He said, knowing that his 1997 Mitsubishi Eclipse was a true roadracing rocket.
"Wow Tristan, I saw that there was this guy heading over to the Fuji Speedway though!"
"Hmmm...." Tristan said, rubbing at his smoothly shaven chin. "Do you think we should wake the sleepy time children?" he said, pointing at the drooling Rei and Shinji who had his neck cranked back.
"We probably should as they're driving each other home, and wouldn't want to miss the exciting race that you're going to give!" Asuka said, biting Tristan's ear gently, running her tongue along his upper earlobe. "Although I'd much rather have you for myself..."
"Yeah, we should!" Tristan said, pushing Asuka away from himself. "I'll go get them both!"
Asuka frowned and woke up Rei as Tristan shoved Shinji out of his chair. "Get up stupid! We're going to Fuji Speedway!"
---
"Gee Tristan, you're about to run a 4 hour enduro with no preptime and no crew?" Rei asked from the passenger's seat in the Eclipse.
"Uh, an hour is enough, Rei. All I have to do is fill up with 110 octane, change over to my magnesium Volks, remove your seat, get my driver's suit on, helmet, and I'm ready to run for qualifying!" Tristan said, looking over at Rei, who was fidgeting in her 5 point harness.
"Pit crew?"
"Already have one set up!" Tristan said, smiling. "Thank NERV for that! You can be the bathing suit girl who holds up umbrellas in chaps and Nerv bikini's!"
"Ah. I feel so honored!" Rei said, hoping that she would not screw up that quite important job of holding a sun umbrella over Tristan's car.
But what Tristan didn't know was that there was a seven foot tall man with a blood red shirt and black trousers who wanted to make sure there were NO WITNESSES.
---
"Welcome to Fuji Raceway!" The announcer crowed over the speaker system. A NERV semi trailer was pulled in to the paddock area of the racetrack, setup with a canopy for Tristan's car. The same 40 or so employees who worked on Rei's car were there to help prepare Tristan's car for the enduro. A large white vinyl NERV logo was applied to the sides along with most of the other sponsers who contributed parts to Tristan's car.
While everyone was getting changed for the event, Tristan sat patiently in his silver and red driving suit, looking at the paddock where many former Japan Gran Touring Cup cars could be seen. He recognized the old Tom's Castrol Supra, the R34 GTR Skylines (Calsonic), a few heavily modified 20B RX-7's, four NSX's, a sponsered Dodge Viper, which Tristan was quite impressed with due to its rarity in Japan, a few Silvia's, and a McLaren F1. Tristan knew that his car was by far superior to all of those efforts, no matter what. His superior enduro driving skills would prove once more the worthiness of a 6' .25" driver, rather than a foot shorter jockey-like pilot.
Asuka's voice, however, cut him from looking further at the field as her shrill screaming echoed through the back of the trailer. "High heels and a bikini? But that makes no sense! How do you swim with shoes on?"
"But it's the tradition here!" Misato tried to explain. "Japan Grand Touring cars always get the car girls!"
"I should be DRIVING!" She argued back, throwing the shoes out the back.
"Let her drive," Tristan said, holding up his hand. "I don't have a co-driver anyways, and who else to trust than Asuka?"
"... But she doesn't even have a lisence?"
"Gendo will take care of that!" Tristan smiled and tossed Asuka the spare helmet. "Just tuck in that hair!"
Asuka's jaw dropped and proceeded to collapse in happiness that Tristan would let her drive in the enduro. She ripped one of the driving suits away from the wall and grabbed some nomex undergarments, changing right in front of everyone. "Cut my hair off, Rei." She said as she held a set of red Sparco driving gloves between her teeth. "The hair won't stay under the helmet, so just cut it off around the neck all around."
"What ever you say, Asuka," Rei said holding up a pair of scissors.
---
A half hour passed since the arrival of Tristan at the track, and there was still an hour before qualifying even started. Tristan's car had been primed and ready for the enduro, with his EVO 3 engine recieving a full teardown and rebuild with a new Jun 2.2L stroking kit to help spool the car's turbo more. The team had been working on making the engine as modular as possible, and they completely gutted the interior of all speakers, stereo, and carpet.
"I'm hot!" Asuka said as she sat under the shade of the canopy that was set up against the trailer. She played around with her newly shortened hair and pulled it back into a short ponytail.
Before she could complain anymore, the tiny burbling of a Nash Metropolitan sung through the air, along with with the Men Without Hats' song, "The Safety Dance".
"Yay! Kaworu's here!" Shinji said, jumping up from his seat. "I'm so glad he is!"
Kaworu shut off the engine and hopped out, fully dressed in a light white button downshirt from Prada, and a pair of black leather pants that hugged his legs to the most. "Hello everyone! I simply could not miss this event! I mean auto-racing is just so MASCULINE and I knew that Tristan would be so rough and tum-" Kaworu abruptly stopped talking when he saw Asuka in a driving suit. "Er, yes...."
"Kaworu, you can be an umbrella holder for NERV too! You and Rei do make a matching set!" A gatorade swilling Gendo said from the truck. "Fuytsuki, where is my vodka?"
"Here, sir!" Fuytsuki said, running back to Gendo with a bottle of Absolut. "Sir, isn't Kaworu, a bit well..."
"Do you want to be fired?"
"No sir!"
"Good! Then make Kaworu an umbrella team holder too. Do you think that Misato's attractive enough to pull that off? I don't think so!"
---
As the time clicked to two o'clock, qualifying finally began. In the pits, Tristan's crew had already set up with over 20 sets of premounted magnesium Volks with Yokohama Advan racing tires prepped for hot change. Full range of air tools, jacks, fluids, and body parts were availible. Even a spare transmission was readied. But the one rule was that engines could not be changed during the enduro, so Tristan's car remained with its one Lancer EVO III engine.
"What do you think of the competition Asuka?" Tristan said as he sipped some water from a bottle. Rei stood there patiently holding the large umbrella.
"I think I'm fucked." she replied, smiling nervously for a cameraman.
"Oh pish posh. I'll get you so ahead that it won't even matter!" Tristan said with an aura of smooth confidence that he was known for. "These guys are third rate drivers at the most, and most of them are simply rich buisnessmen sons who can barely drive. You sat with the simulator, right?"
"Uh...." Asuka stuttered before qualifying was announced. "Looks like you're going out!"
"Right!" Tristan pulled on the helmet and hopped in the car, driving it slowly to the false grid, where Rei hobbled over in heels to follow him.
---
After an exciting qualifying session, Tristan managed to qualify on the Fuji Circuit third out of forty cars. Given how old his car was, and how the suspension was designed, it was a large suprise. Asuka was deemed to start the race, and a short while later (along with some fresh new tires provided free by Yokohama), Asuka was sitting out on the grid in third place, behind an NSX and a McLaren.
"Fuck." Asuka said to herself as she flipped the helmet visor down. "Fuck, fuck, fuck. I am so fucked."
"Quit whining, Asuka, or you'll screw everything up," Gendo's voice crackled over the communications system. "You're such a worry wort. Didn't you play Gran Turismo 18?"
"Well, ummm, sort of..."
"Of course you did. Now go drive it," Gendo said, drinking a cool can of Bebop Cola. "This is the stuff of champions!"
"Okay Asuka, you've managed to pilot a giant mechanized biomechanical war machine, done extreme Dance Dance Revolution, get mind-raped, live through quite possibly could be the most extreme circumstances that would surely have killed a lesser person, yet I can't even drive a car?" She pondered to herself, nervously looking around the track. "I think I'll sing a song."
---
In the pits, the team of 10 crew members, along with Shinji, Kaworu, Rei, Gendo, Fuytsuki, and Tristan sat. "Turn the comlink on so we can check in on Asuka," Kaworu said.
"Mein brautwurst hat einen vornamen: es ist G-R-E-N-D-E-L..." Asuka sang in a horribly off key German version of the Oscar Mayer Weiner song.
"..." The pit area was silent except for Asuka's singing. "Well, no one said said she was a good singer, but how about that ass?" Tristan said, flipping on the intercom. "Asuka, even though you suck compared to me, I still believe in you! Now go get 'em tiger!"
A seven foot tall man in a black trench coat and a blood red shirt went through the pit area, looking for the proper team to take.
---
The hours passed on, and between Tristan and Asuka switched off between the hours, Asuka doing quite an admirable job at driving Tristan's car for someone who had never raced before. The final hours were closing in on the race, and that's when the seven foot tall man with a blood red shirt, black trench coat, and black trousers decided to make his move. He rode a motorcycle around the Fuji Speedway avoiding the angry flaggers on the track. Tristan was on the final lap, battling it out with the former Arta NSX.
"NO WITNESSES!" The man in the black trench-coat screamed as he fired his 45 mm silencer at Tristan's car. The right rear tire blew out, and the black magnesium Volk rim dragged across the ground, squealing into the path of the NSX. The NSX collided with the Eclipse GSX and Tristan's car plowed into the wall, fiberglass and carbon fiber shrapnel going everywhere as the car hit. The NSX dragged into the lower side of the track its front end ruined.
"HELLO MY NAME IS JEFF GYRWYN AND I AM YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE!" Jeff said as he fired another round at the Eclipse. The amber and red Japanese spec tail light shattered as the 45 mm slug hit it.
The announcers had no idea what was going on and the race was flagged. Tristan was pulling at his belts, trying to get out of his ill-fated Eclipse. The quick release seatbelt did its job and he was freed from the car, punching out the quick release
"PREPARE TO DIE!" Jeff said as he threw a punch at the still Nomex-masked Tristan Delecour. Tristan quickly dodged the punch from the seven foot tall man in the blood red shirt, black trench coat and black trousers. "I'M GOING TO KILL YOU JUST LIKE I DID ERIC!"
"... Who's Eric?" Tristan asked before dodging another one of Jeff's 45 MM bullets which apparently moved at the speed of 10 kph.
"Are you Tom Dyron?" He queried, throwing a kick at Tristan's head who countered it with a throw to an upper cut to his chin.
"No... I'm Tristan Delecour!"
"Oh... Uh..." Jeff stopped in the middle of his fight and scratched his head. "Are you sure?"
"Does Dyron have a fashion sense?"
"... Well fuck me, I'm sorry about this whole thing," Jeff said, running to the edge of the track wall to hop off. "I really am. Uh, sorry about your car, but I have to... go now!"
"HEY!" Tristan yelled, but was too tired after driving two hours to chase after him. He turned back to his car and dropped to his knees. "BABY COME BACK!" he screamed, laying his head on his car as he began to cry. Green coolant dripped from the Koyo radiator as well as dark black oil. The Japanese paramedics came rushing over as he sobbed openly on the door. He signed a release form that had him say that he was fine, which he was thanks to his brilliant driving skills and restraint system. The tow truck came over and lifted his car while he got a ride back to the pit area.
---
"Are you okay?" Everyone kept asking Tristan, but he was quite fine. Just very angry that he lost his best car, the race, and most of all, lost his chance to prove how good he was.
"It's okay!" Gendo said, polishing off a bottle of scotch. "We can rebuild it! Make it better! We have the technology!"
"Oh fuck off, Gendo!" Rei spat as she handed Tristan a towel. "You're such a cockface to everyone who has ever done anything to you!"
"Wow, someone's going to be riding the CRIMSON TIDE soon! Ha. Ha. Ha." Gendo stood up and went to pat Tristan on the shoulder. "It's too bad my son is such a pussy. You know? I mean it's not like I asked much from him or anything. I was willing to put up with him for so long, I gave him all the opportunities to get laid and he didn't even do anything except fall on a girl and apologize. What a loser. I mean, she totally wanted him, and what did he do? He pussied out like he did with third impact. Good work, you fucking tool. Don't you realize that I'm manipulating every aspect of your pathetic existance?"
"Uh, Dad, I'm right here..." Shinji looked up from sitting on Kaworu's lap. Gendo merely ignored him.
"And another thing, when are we going to get another one of those beings of mass destruction? I mean, I'm ready to party! The JSDF can invade all they want, but WE'VE GOT THE BOMBS! Big fucking bombs! Ones with n and a two on them!"
Tristan sighed, and sat down on one of the folding chairs. "I guess there's nothing left to do than clean up this crap."
---
Two weeks later...
---
"Hey Asuka, when do you think that teacher will EVER give us a real assignment?" He asked as Rei, Kaworu, Shinji, and Asuka followed behind after their required math class.
"I don't know, but I don't mind because you and Rei keep me up all night. Ha ha ha." Asuka laughed.
Suddenly, all of their phones went off at the same time. "The Mayor must be calling! Townsville is in trouble!" Rei said, running over to her car. "Call the Professor and tell him that we'll be late!"
"Townsville?" Kaworu shrugged, skipping over to his car. "Where's Townsville?"
"Professor Fuytsuki?" Shinji shook his head. What would Rei want to do with him?
---
"Oh no! It's the biggest angel we've ever seen! Even bigger than Planet DELTA!" Ritsuko said while gulping down another cup of coffee.
"Bigger than Godzilla?" Maya asked. One of the technicians asked the other what Planet DELTA was.
"Twice the size! The tiny toy tanks were totally useless against it! Pagodas have had their tiles ripped straight from the roofs from its super-powered breath!" Maya gasped.
"The JSDF has been going through some rough times," Misato said, smoothing back a few stray hairs. "I remember when they had guns on the mountain side... Or was that us?"
"Well, whatever, we need Thunder Megazord Power now! Power up your crystals, because it's Morphin' Time!" Gendo shouted, grabbing at his belt buckle. Not suprisingly, nothing happened. Gendo sat down again and asked Fuyutsuki to get him a belt that did something unlike his current one. "Right then! Let's launch those giant robots while I watch Chopper Dave."
"Launch EVAs!"
---
"Allo?" Asuka asked, her communications line not responding. "Anyone there?" She flipped on a few communications screens and there was nothing but static. "What is going on?" Her EVA was working fine in every respect other than the communications. "ALLOOOOO?"
She lurched her EVA over to the west, and four kilometers away stood the massive angel that would make even Mothra's spooge rays turn away. The angel stood at least seven hundred meters tall, and over one hundred wide. It had the body of a platypus, the arms of a praying mantis, the legs of a rhinoserous, the head that was deeply submerged in its chest that looked like a giant ox, and it was covered with a purple gel-like surface. The S2 core could be seen pulsating between the giant rhino legs. At least a hundred pink tentacles sprouted from the back, oozing a white liquid and waving freely in the air.
"MEIN GOTT!" Asuka exclaimed while slapping both te sides of her face. "It's a tentacle monster! And it's looking for love all in the wrong places!"
The red Unit 02 sprung to the left as a tentacle shot out to its leg. "It grows!" She thought, and ran over to one of the weapons buildings and picked up a pair of progressive assault rifles. She began firing them as she quickly saw Units 00, 01, and 04 firing away at the tentacles.
"Hmmm... Must concentrate on the angel, not the tentacles!" She ran across the pure white cityscape, approaching the giant beast. It was so much bigger than her EVA and she knew that her guns were useless. Close combat was the only way. Taking out her progressive knife, she stabbed it deep into the leg of the angel which had yet to have a name. This time it sunk deeply in, but the slime grabbed at her EVA'S hands. Asuka desperately attempted to pull out, but it was too late, her hands were stuck solid.
"Oh fuck..." she puled as the tentacles wrapped around her EVA's ankles and elbows, ripping her out of the gel-like surface. Asuka's eva was lifted high in the air and ten more tentacles shot out from behind its back, poised in front of her EVA's head, glistening in the early afternoon sun.
Asuka contempted her fate, and thought a silent prayer as the tentacles poised back, ready to rip her EVA apart in the middle of the air. But instead of ripping her EVA to shreds, they shot the liquid they were dripping all over the EVA's upper body and head.
"Gross!" she cried as her viewscreen went milky white.
---
"MONEY SHOT!" Gendo yelled as Asuka's EVA was tossed in the air, dripping thick, ropey liquid from its face. The evangelion landed face down, burying itself into the ground deeply.
"... Do you want to get sued?" Professor Fuyutsuki asked Gendo who was writing a label for the tapes, "EVA BUKAKE PART FOUR: SLIMEY MECHA MECHA HIGHSCHOOL ADVENTURE NEON VIBRATION!"
"Not especailly!"
"Anyways, why hasn't Unit 00 moved in yet? Give her an N2 mine and tell her to go nuts," Gendo ordered.
---
Rei watched as Unit 02 flew overhead, and held the tentacles at bay with a new progressive weapon, the progessive chainsaw. Every time she sawed one of the tenacles off, the remaining stalk erupted all over various parts of her EVA. The material did not seem to be harmful, so she continued on while combatting the angel.
One weapons building popped up and a squat green N2 mine cannister stood ready to be inserted in the Angel.
"They must expect me to want to do some suicide mission, but I'm not going to! No sir! I've got reasons to live!" Rei reassured herself, moving in closely to Unit 04 which was shooting at the approaching tentacles.
---
"Why isn't Rei taking the N2 mine, Fuyutsuki?" Gendo asked, focusing four cameras on the blue Evangelion.
"Probably because she has something to live for, maybe?" Fuyutsuki offered for a suggestion. "Just a thought, though."
"Naw, I was pretty sure I beat that out of her a few years ago... Unless it's TRISTAN DELECOUR'S INFLUENCE! Which is quite alright because he's just so perfect and muscular and OH SO DREAMY! Do you think he'll go to the prom with me, Fuyutsuki? I do sure hope he asks me to it!"
"That's impossible because we all know that Rei is impervious to making decent, long lasting relationships!" Fuyutsuki tried to make up various excuses as to why Rei was not sacrificing her cloned life for the greater good of the world.
"Only time will tell what is going to- HOLY SHIT, DID YOU SEE THE SIZE OF THAT PROJECTILE!?" Gendo yelled, wrenching the camera over to a fallen Unit 01. "Looks like Shinji got the big load! Ha ha ha!"
"Sirs! I am not finding you making light of Shinji's situation amusing!" Kaworu radio up to the control tower where Fuyutsuki and Gendo sat. "No matter how many loads Shinji takes down, it's important for him to know that you truly care about him, and that your love is unconditional as a parent!"
---
Tristan saw Unit 01 go down and dried a tear. Only himself and Rei were left. Units 01 and 02 were down. He lifted the large, clear, full body shield in the silver EVA's right hand and stared at the wavering tentacles that were attacking. Rei fought the incoming ones with the progressive chainsaw while Tristan moved the shield slowly in, to protect himself and Rei from the dangerous tentacles and what not.
He tried throwing some progressive handgrenades to not much effect, and the progressive tennis balls being thrown at the monster didn't do anything at all. He figured that the progressive machine gun bullets were just pissing him off.
"Damn! Shit! Hell! What would Dad do in this kind of situation!" Tristan thought as he was getting very close to the giant American-class smell creature. The tentacles were getting intense and he saw Rei's Evangelion get lifted high in the air by a few tentacles, the progressive chainsaw being dropped to the ground. "Oh no! Rei's in trouble, and that means I'm next! Time to show my true form through my ultimate attack!! UNIT 04 CRESCENT MOON BEAM FREEZE AT FIELD!!!"
The silver, black, and red Evangelion tossed the slimy shield to one side and posed, grasping the right hand in the air, gathering its AT Field into a central point it its palm. A small ball of light turned from white to a pitch black with big spikes of energy coming from it. Tristan lowered his hands as the ball grew to the size of Unit 04's arm, and braced the right hand with the left, manipulating the AT Field into a concentrated blast that blasted through the Angel, causing it to drop Rei in the middle of its degridation of her EVA.
"Yaay! I rokk harder than Dokken!" Tristan cheered as he concentrated the beam of manipulated pure energy against the ugly beast. Tentacles dropped to its side, but the creature seemed to be dissapearing into thin air. "Wait! I'm not done with you yet!"
The beast dissappeared, dropping Rei's EVA onto the ground below. Radio contact between the EVA's and base was restored after the dissapearence, and Tristan checked on the status on HQ.
---
"DAMN SHIT HELL!" Ritsuko said while slamming the ceramic coffee mug on the counter, "If only DA DRAGON was around he would be able to defeat this phantom menace!"
"Uh, Ritsuko, Don "The Dragon" Wilson has been dead for over twenty years," Maya replied, looking up at her SEMPAI-SAMA with wide eyes.
"... Whoops. Don't want to be, uh, just right," Ritsuko avoided confrontation by walking over to Kaworu and Misato who were idly chatting about the battle that had just occured. "Hey look, it's dumb and dumber!"
"I'd appreciate it if you kept your personal jokes out of this, Ritsuko," Kaworu said. "We have a very critical situation! It's of an emergency scale!"
"Yeah, right," Misato said, straightening out her red commander cap. "Let's get the crews in on those EVA's!"
---
"Wow, so you can manipulate your AT field Tristan?" Shinji looked over while drying off his hair in the dressing room. Kaworu was there as well, leaning against a locker, looking on at them both.
"Well who CAN'T? I mean it's not that hard. All you have to do is go 'KAMEHAMEHA!' and zoom! There's your manipulated AT Blast. You couldn't have possibly much problems as I did, considering you fought how many angels?"
"Ummmm.. Twelve?"
"Wow, you really suck if you didn't figure that out. I'm suprise that third impact didn't happen and we're all not in some big naked fourteen year old girl right now!" Tristan scoffed, tossing on an orange t-shirt over his bare body. "A bunch of white, Mr. Socko EVA's come along and we're all like 'Hey, they're Mr. Socko, and they're attacking and NERV is getting shot up and people are dying!' Then Unit 01 makes third impact and the rest of the time goes to shit!"
"Well that was the whole original plan," Kaworu said, smiling. "But we couldn't have that! Who needs eternal happiness and the next step of humanity united with no more wars? We have it great here! Thanks to you, that is!"
"Not us, or we'd be out of buisness! Ha ha ha!" Shinji laughed, joined in by Tristan and Kaworu.
---
"I have an idea that will save us all. Apparently it doesn't like manipulated AT FIelds," Gendo said to his fellows in command. "What we need to do is build a really big metal chair. Like an EVA sized folding chair."
"... Metal chair?" Ritsuko asked, raising one of her black eyebrows. "What do we need a big metal chair for?"
"Well, see the plan is to have the other three EVA's lift up the chair, Unit 04 will use its new AT Field manipulation power, and charge the chair. Then the three EVA's toss up the chair, and then Unit 04 kicks the charged chair with a flying kick and it goes flying into the ANGEL's head, boom, we win!" Gendo said, explaining his plan with NERV approved EVA action figures.
"Sugoi! The legendary Vandaminator!" Misato said, gasping. "Do you think they can pull it off?"
"Let's hope so," Gendo said, pushing his yellow tinted glasses up the bridge of his nose. "The fate of humanity relies on one SUPERSTAR DJ and JEET KUN DO expert! As well as being the best at a bunch of other things, like driving, surfing, drifting, blah blah blah."
"I'll start the preperations at once!" Ritsuko said, running off with her lab coat. "Preperations are always the best!"
"How is the status of Unit 01, 02, and 00?" Fuyutsuki asked. "I hope the fixes will be done!"
"They should be ready within a week, sir!" Misato answered, looking at the models of the EVA's with interest. The unit 00 model seemed to be moving on its own. "Uh, sir? Unit 00 is moving?"
"I know. It's the latest project that we've had NERV scientests working on! Who wouldn't want a pet EVA?" Gendo said, stroking the 30 cm model's head. It made a high pitched little noise of contentment and rubbed its shoulder fins against Gendo's finger. "Go ahead, it can't bite!"
Misato lowered her head down to the EVA's level and stared at the glowing green eye that the blue EVA had. "Hey there cutie," She said, offering her finger. The EVA backed up a few steps and squeeked. "I'm not going to hurt you!" she reassured the fabricated creature as she petted its head. The EVA shook and reached for its shoulder fin.
"Aww, she's reaching for her progressive knife," Gendo said, picking the biomechanical toy up in his hands making smooching faces at it. "Not just yet, my little darling! Don't want you hurting anyone!"
"Cute," Misato mumbled while exiting the meeting room.
---
"So Rei, what do you think the definition of that angel is?" Asuka said, rubbing her body down with a towel. Two angels so far in her new career and she kept getting her ass kicked. It was a good thing Tristan Delecour was around or else she would have no reason to live anymore, or if it was seven years ago, she would've probably gone crazy and shot herself. Or ended up naked and emanciated in a bathtub. Again.
"Well, after watching a vast amount of late 20th century Japanese animated erotica, I have reason to believe that this is an Overfiend-esque style tentacle monster that is not happy with us." She answered, handing Asuka her bra. "We're quite lucky that EVA's don't have mouths or sexual organs, as it would probably rape our EVA's and overfill them with that white stuff that you got covered with.
'But how do we defeat it? I got stuck badly!" Asuka wrenched her hands together. "And you got your ass kicked too! So did Shinji!"
"Vandaminator," Rei responded plainly, as she ran her hand down Asuka's back down to her firm rear. "I have reason to believe that this is the only way we can defeat it."
"Hey, not here, I'd rather not have this scene be a women in prison style movie, so later, okay?" Asuka batted Rei's hand away and continued dressing. "I feel bad for Tristan though, he's always at the garage working on that ruined Eclipse,"
"Yeah. He doesn't have any time for US!" Rei whined, pulling over a simple white cotton dress. "But then again, everyone needs a hobby!"
"Let's roll!" Asuka grinned after pulling on a pair of silver pants.
---
Tristan stared at the remains of the 1997 Eclipse GSX. Structurally, it was intact. The unibody in the front was shot, and would require a full tube frame conversion, along with the intercooler, the radiator, most of the intake piping on the intercooler. It was a very lucky hit that the car was not a total loss. The ruined parts were all on the garage floor, as Tristan had been working on them earlier, pulling them apart. He sat on the red rolling stool, just staring at the car on the lift.
"Working much?" Misato asked Tristan from the doorway of office in the garage. She was wearing her red leather jacket and a very short dress showing off her still thin and long legs.
"Meh, I don't know what I'm going to do about this car," Tristan said, pointing to the ruined mess of parts that he pulled off. He took off the mechanics gloves and sat them on the work table, where a fresh, new tail light was found for his car sat.
"Mind if I take a closer look?" Misato asked, closing the main doorway to the outside air off.
"Sure, watch your hands, some of the fiber there is still pretty jagged,"
"Thanks for the tip," Misato made a small smile and looked closely at the interior of the car. It was completely bare of anything, looking like Tristan was going to rip apart the car some more for work to the chassis.
"So what brings you here? I usually stick it out alone"
"Eh, I figured I'd check up on you, as I am still responsable for your well being."
"Annd how do you plan on checking up on that?" Tristan asked as he removed the coveralls, his muscles rippling under the old shirt. Misato was one to not miss this and she quietly leaned against the bench. She removed her jacket and put it on one of the hangers.
"Wouldn't you like to know?" She smirked while Tristan tossed the shirt off in the pile of old rags.
"Oh really?" Tristan went and stood next to Misato. Misato took her index finger and dragged it slowly down his chest. "Gee, Ms. Robinson, if I didn't know any better, I'd think you were trying to seduce me."
"Perhaps," Misato said while pulling at the waist of his pants. "I'm just wondering if you're still up for the task..."
"Cute pun," Tristan remarked while he looked at her eyes. "But I don't think I can really leave Asuka and Rei like this."
This type of answer did not please Misato, and she wrapped her arms around his chest. "Please? For your commanding officer?" she mewed as she kissed his shoulder.
"Well when you put it that way..." Tristan said as he ran his finger down the zipper on Misato's dress. She put her hand on his and pulled him over to the old bed that was in the back of the garage.
---
Misato laid on the flat section of the roof undressed, still covered with a sheen of sweat she had from her encounters with Tristan. As she looked up at the night sky, she wondered if what she was doing was truly right. If she was breaking all known NERV directories. She thought to herself as Tristan brought her up a beer, and himself a Red Bull. NERV was headed by an insane man now, and the only one that she could truly count on was Tristan, who had all the characteristics of Kaji, minus the theiving backstabbing, plus a much better hairstyle, mad DJ skillz, cooler cars, and much larger "unit".
"Where did you get that scar?" Tristan pointed at the scar that went across Misato's chest as he drank the carbonated green liquid down.
"From second impact... I was at Ground Zero contact point."
"Ouch. I hacked into your personal file at NERV because I was bored and found out all about you and special agent Ryouji Kaji,"
"They took things down about that?" Misato bolted up, her chest heaving up and down. What exactly did NERV take down about her life?
"Eh, it's not much. Just said that you were suspected to have some sort of relationship with him," He shrugged and threw the can of soda down the roof lid. Tristan was lying through his teeth as there was a full record of having every single escapade with Kaji, up until his assasination done by Misato herself.
"Well, as long as I have you around, I don't have to live in that past anymore," Misato leaned over and kissed Tristan's cheek. "Thanks. I needed this."
"Uh, any time?" Tristan looked over as Misato chugged down the beer. She was one difficult subject.
---
"The angel is here! The angel is here!" Maya exclaimed while hopping up and down in her chair. She was so excited as everything was prepared properly, and that the project VANDAMINATOR was going to be a success.
"Prepare the EVA's and the big metal chair!" Ritsuko ordered as Gendo watched on from a far.
"This isn't going to work, is it?" Fuyutsuki asked Gendo in a whisper.
"It sure as hell is," Gendo reassured his older colleague. "I've got fifty thousand yen riding on this with the guys downstairs."
---
"Are you guys ready?" Tristan asked to his fellow pilots. He recieved nods all around from their communications. "Well then, let's do it!"
"HAI!"
The four pilots lurched their machines in preperation for the attack as the angel sat poised over NERV, ready to send out its tentacles against anything that approached too closely.
"NOW!" Tristan yelled as the creature roared. Units 00, 01, and 02 threw the giant metal folding chair up in the air, and Tristan ran in his EVA, kicking the chair right at the direct S2 core of the angel. In a showering of cross shaped shrapnel, the angel exploded and made a giant cross shaped explosion that could be seen twenty kilometers away.
"Yaay!" Everyone cheered and jumped up and down, the EVA's giving each other SUPER high fives of victory.
---
"Yay! Only... Eight more to go!" Misato cheered as she chugged down a can of Old Milwaukee. "We did it Ritsuko! Who knew the Vandaminator would work?" she pulled Ritsuko into her arms and cheered.
"Ikari did," Ritsuko whimpered while trying to escape from Misato's grasp. "He's the best at everything, eh?"
"I've had better," Kaworu said to no one in particular, eliciting a few glances from Maya and Ritsuko.
"Let's bring the EVA's in and we can have a super party style big battle!"
"HAI!"
---
Meanwhile at SEELE's evil headquarters, Paul Oakenfold sat in a chair wearing a blue cotton polo shirt and a pair of khaki's .The evil emperor was not happy at the moment, due to the fact that his latest monster was destroyed by those miserable young adults. Like he had lots of angels to keep sending down at NERV for Adam or Lilith.
"Sir, I don't believe that you can truly take him down at this moment! We need more time to develop a super angel to defeat that miserable little man!" John Digiweed said as he sat behind the table. Sasha was beside him playing with a little silver box.
"Perhaps," Oakenfold said as he rubbed his chin, deep in thought. "Although I do have something in mind for our ultimate battle... How is the status on the construction of my own EVANGELION going?"
"It is going well, sire," DJ TIESTO said to Oakenfold as he cowered in front of the mighty PROGRESSIVE TRANCE DJ.
"Good! I should hope it shall be ready! Prepare the next angel for attack and we shall rule the world!"
---
"So what are we going to do now T Delecour?" Asuka said while stretching back at home with Misato, Shinji, and Tristan. "It seems the angels keep getting stronger and stronger!"
"Gee Asuka, I don't know, I think we should just give up and wait for the world to end,"
"You don't have to be snide!"
"You don't have to be dressed either!" Tristan said and immediately regretted it.
"Gee Tristan, that's just the greatest idea, but I don't think that Shinji would like that, despite his attempts 7 years ago," Asuka mumbled inbetween bites of a carrot.
"I certainly would not!" Shinji cried, standing up and running to his room to listen to his minidisc player alone.
Tristan looked at Asuka, then at Misato. "You two ever thought of getting it on?" he said with a smile.
END CHAPTER 5
"And so, Second Impact had a huge impact on Japan's fishing industry, thus causing an economic failure that was destined to..." The teacher prattled on and on while Tristan slept peacefully in his Graphic Design 2 class. Asuka, Shinji, and Rei were all also asleep as the teacher was prattling on and on about Second Impact when they could actually be learning about something useful.
Just as Asuka was lightly dozing off to sleep, her computer pleasantly beeped at her. She looked up at the screen with tired eyes and noticed it was from Tristan. "What do you want?" She rattled out in English to Tristan. Her typing was mediocre at best during her lack of sleep, but it worked.
The computer softly beeped again, its blue window showing the reply from Tristan telling her about an enduro race at the Fuji speedway that featured not only cars, but motorcycles with sidecars as well. This didn't make much sense to Asuka, so she typed back to him as to why motorcycles were allowed at the race.
"Apparently only one is allowed!" Tristan replied to her questions.
"Better watch out for the Circuit driving Yakuza!" she replied as her news memo popped up with new information about how a seven foot tall man with a blood red shirt and a black overcoat, mumbling about having ÒNo witnessesÓ, was seen going to the Fuji Speedway. She closed it as some crazy coincidence of a guy she knew in one of her nightmares with her marrying some guy who played terrible rock music, never mind the one who was pathetically ugly and claimed to have had a parent in the US FBI, and one that was some sort of big breasted adventurer. "You should go and win!!"
"But of course I will! My Eclipse was BORN for the track!"
Tristan threw a piece of crumpled paper at Rei's sleeping head and she bolted upright, confused as to what was going on. The teacher was still yodling about Second Impact and she looked around to see who threw the piece of paper. When she couldnÕt find them, she went back to sleep, her eyes happily closing once more.
"We better wrap up for today!" The teacher said, looking at his watch. "Remember to do your homework and make sure you get those designs done by the end of next week!" Everyone in the entire class had their work done, but the teacher didn't know that, so it was just a matter of getting an A in the class that all that mattered.
Tristan walked over to Asuka after the class was through and started chatting with her about the endurance race that was that afternoon. Luckily, thanks to his NERV status and his skills, he was able to get himself registered for the event. Truly Tristan was a supreme hacker too.
"I'm so going to win this endurance race, Asuka!" He said, knowing that his 1997 Mitsubishi Eclipse was a true roadracing rocket.
"Wow Tristan, I saw that there was this guy heading over to the Fuji Speedway though!"
"Hmmm...." Tristan said, rubbing at his smoothly shaven chin. "Do you think we should wake the sleepy time children?" he said, pointing at the drooling Rei and Shinji who had his neck cranked back.
"We probably should as they're driving each other home, and wouldn't want to miss the exciting race that you're going to give!" Asuka said, biting Tristan's ear gently, running her tongue along his upper earlobe. "Although I'd much rather have you for myself..."
"Yeah, we should!" Tristan said, pushing Asuka away from himself. "I'll go get them both!"
Asuka frowned and woke up Rei as Tristan shoved Shinji out of his chair. "Get up stupid! We're going to Fuji Speedway!"
---
"Gee Tristan, you're about to run a 4 hour enduro with no preptime and no crew?" Rei asked from the passenger's seat in the Eclipse.
"Uh, an hour is enough, Rei. All I have to do is fill up with 110 octane, change over to my magnesium Volks, remove your seat, get my driver's suit on, helmet, and I'm ready to run for qualifying!" Tristan said, looking over at Rei, who was fidgeting in her 5 point harness.
"Pit crew?"
"Already have one set up!" Tristan said, smiling. "Thank NERV for that! You can be the bathing suit girl who holds up umbrellas in chaps and Nerv bikini's!"
"Ah. I feel so honored!" Rei said, hoping that she would not screw up that quite important job of holding a sun umbrella over Tristan's car.
But what Tristan didn't know was that there was a seven foot tall man with a blood red shirt and black trousers who wanted to make sure there were NO WITNESSES.
---
"Welcome to Fuji Raceway!" The announcer crowed over the speaker system. A NERV semi trailer was pulled in to the paddock area of the racetrack, setup with a canopy for Tristan's car. The same 40 or so employees who worked on Rei's car were there to help prepare Tristan's car for the enduro. A large white vinyl NERV logo was applied to the sides along with most of the other sponsers who contributed parts to Tristan's car.
While everyone was getting changed for the event, Tristan sat patiently in his silver and red driving suit, looking at the paddock where many former Japan Gran Touring Cup cars could be seen. He recognized the old Tom's Castrol Supra, the R34 GTR Skylines (Calsonic), a few heavily modified 20B RX-7's, four NSX's, a sponsered Dodge Viper, which Tristan was quite impressed with due to its rarity in Japan, a few Silvia's, and a McLaren F1. Tristan knew that his car was by far superior to all of those efforts, no matter what. His superior enduro driving skills would prove once more the worthiness of a 6' .25" driver, rather than a foot shorter jockey-like pilot.
Asuka's voice, however, cut him from looking further at the field as her shrill screaming echoed through the back of the trailer. "High heels and a bikini? But that makes no sense! How do you swim with shoes on?"
"But it's the tradition here!" Misato tried to explain. "Japan Grand Touring cars always get the car girls!"
"I should be DRIVING!" She argued back, throwing the shoes out the back.
"Let her drive," Tristan said, holding up his hand. "I don't have a co-driver anyways, and who else to trust than Asuka?"
"... But she doesn't even have a lisence?"
"Gendo will take care of that!" Tristan smiled and tossed Asuka the spare helmet. "Just tuck in that hair!"
Asuka's jaw dropped and proceeded to collapse in happiness that Tristan would let her drive in the enduro. She ripped one of the driving suits away from the wall and grabbed some nomex undergarments, changing right in front of everyone. "Cut my hair off, Rei." She said as she held a set of red Sparco driving gloves between her teeth. "The hair won't stay under the helmet, so just cut it off around the neck all around."
"What ever you say, Asuka," Rei said holding up a pair of scissors.
---
A half hour passed since the arrival of Tristan at the track, and there was still an hour before qualifying even started. Tristan's car had been primed and ready for the enduro, with his EVO 3 engine recieving a full teardown and rebuild with a new Jun 2.2L stroking kit to help spool the car's turbo more. The team had been working on making the engine as modular as possible, and they completely gutted the interior of all speakers, stereo, and carpet.
"I'm hot!" Asuka said as she sat under the shade of the canopy that was set up against the trailer. She played around with her newly shortened hair and pulled it back into a short ponytail.
Before she could complain anymore, the tiny burbling of a Nash Metropolitan sung through the air, along with with the Men Without Hats' song, "The Safety Dance".
"Yay! Kaworu's here!" Shinji said, jumping up from his seat. "I'm so glad he is!"
Kaworu shut off the engine and hopped out, fully dressed in a light white button downshirt from Prada, and a pair of black leather pants that hugged his legs to the most. "Hello everyone! I simply could not miss this event! I mean auto-racing is just so MASCULINE and I knew that Tristan would be so rough and tum-" Kaworu abruptly stopped talking when he saw Asuka in a driving suit. "Er, yes...."
"Kaworu, you can be an umbrella holder for NERV too! You and Rei do make a matching set!" A gatorade swilling Gendo said from the truck. "Fuytsuki, where is my vodka?"
"Here, sir!" Fuytsuki said, running back to Gendo with a bottle of Absolut. "Sir, isn't Kaworu, a bit well..."
"Do you want to be fired?"
"No sir!"
"Good! Then make Kaworu an umbrella team holder too. Do you think that Misato's attractive enough to pull that off? I don't think so!"
---
As the time clicked to two o'clock, qualifying finally began. In the pits, Tristan's crew had already set up with over 20 sets of premounted magnesium Volks with Yokohama Advan racing tires prepped for hot change. Full range of air tools, jacks, fluids, and body parts were availible. Even a spare transmission was readied. But the one rule was that engines could not be changed during the enduro, so Tristan's car remained with its one Lancer EVO III engine.
"What do you think of the competition Asuka?" Tristan said as he sipped some water from a bottle. Rei stood there patiently holding the large umbrella.
"I think I'm fucked." she replied, smiling nervously for a cameraman.
"Oh pish posh. I'll get you so ahead that it won't even matter!" Tristan said with an aura of smooth confidence that he was known for. "These guys are third rate drivers at the most, and most of them are simply rich buisnessmen sons who can barely drive. You sat with the simulator, right?"
"Uh...." Asuka stuttered before qualifying was announced. "Looks like you're going out!"
"Right!" Tristan pulled on the helmet and hopped in the car, driving it slowly to the false grid, where Rei hobbled over in heels to follow him.
---
After an exciting qualifying session, Tristan managed to qualify on the Fuji Circuit third out of forty cars. Given how old his car was, and how the suspension was designed, it was a large suprise. Asuka was deemed to start the race, and a short while later (along with some fresh new tires provided free by Yokohama), Asuka was sitting out on the grid in third place, behind an NSX and a McLaren.
"Fuck." Asuka said to herself as she flipped the helmet visor down. "Fuck, fuck, fuck. I am so fucked."
"Quit whining, Asuka, or you'll screw everything up," Gendo's voice crackled over the communications system. "You're such a worry wort. Didn't you play Gran Turismo 18?"
"Well, ummm, sort of..."
"Of course you did. Now go drive it," Gendo said, drinking a cool can of Bebop Cola. "This is the stuff of champions!"
"Okay Asuka, you've managed to pilot a giant mechanized biomechanical war machine, done extreme Dance Dance Revolution, get mind-raped, live through quite possibly could be the most extreme circumstances that would surely have killed a lesser person, yet I can't even drive a car?" She pondered to herself, nervously looking around the track. "I think I'll sing a song."
---
In the pits, the team of 10 crew members, along with Shinji, Kaworu, Rei, Gendo, Fuytsuki, and Tristan sat. "Turn the comlink on so we can check in on Asuka," Kaworu said.
"Mein brautwurst hat einen vornamen: es ist G-R-E-N-D-E-L..." Asuka sang in a horribly off key German version of the Oscar Mayer Weiner song.
"..." The pit area was silent except for Asuka's singing. "Well, no one said said she was a good singer, but how about that ass?" Tristan said, flipping on the intercom. "Asuka, even though you suck compared to me, I still believe in you! Now go get 'em tiger!"
A seven foot tall man in a black trench coat and a blood red shirt went through the pit area, looking for the proper team to take.
---
The hours passed on, and between Tristan and Asuka switched off between the hours, Asuka doing quite an admirable job at driving Tristan's car for someone who had never raced before. The final hours were closing in on the race, and that's when the seven foot tall man with a blood red shirt, black trench coat, and black trousers decided to make his move. He rode a motorcycle around the Fuji Speedway avoiding the angry flaggers on the track. Tristan was on the final lap, battling it out with the former Arta NSX.
"NO WITNESSES!" The man in the black trench-coat screamed as he fired his 45 mm silencer at Tristan's car. The right rear tire blew out, and the black magnesium Volk rim dragged across the ground, squealing into the path of the NSX. The NSX collided with the Eclipse GSX and Tristan's car plowed into the wall, fiberglass and carbon fiber shrapnel going everywhere as the car hit. The NSX dragged into the lower side of the track its front end ruined.
"HELLO MY NAME IS JEFF GYRWYN AND I AM YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE!" Jeff said as he fired another round at the Eclipse. The amber and red Japanese spec tail light shattered as the 45 mm slug hit it.
The announcers had no idea what was going on and the race was flagged. Tristan was pulling at his belts, trying to get out of his ill-fated Eclipse. The quick release seatbelt did its job and he was freed from the car, punching out the quick release
"PREPARE TO DIE!" Jeff said as he threw a punch at the still Nomex-masked Tristan Delecour. Tristan quickly dodged the punch from the seven foot tall man in the blood red shirt, black trench coat and black trousers. "I'M GOING TO KILL YOU JUST LIKE I DID ERIC!"
"... Who's Eric?" Tristan asked before dodging another one of Jeff's 45 MM bullets which apparently moved at the speed of 10 kph.
"Are you Tom Dyron?" He queried, throwing a kick at Tristan's head who countered it with a throw to an upper cut to his chin.
"No... I'm Tristan Delecour!"
"Oh... Uh..." Jeff stopped in the middle of his fight and scratched his head. "Are you sure?"
"Does Dyron have a fashion sense?"
"... Well fuck me, I'm sorry about this whole thing," Jeff said, running to the edge of the track wall to hop off. "I really am. Uh, sorry about your car, but I have to... go now!"
"HEY!" Tristan yelled, but was too tired after driving two hours to chase after him. He turned back to his car and dropped to his knees. "BABY COME BACK!" he screamed, laying his head on his car as he began to cry. Green coolant dripped from the Koyo radiator as well as dark black oil. The Japanese paramedics came rushing over as he sobbed openly on the door. He signed a release form that had him say that he was fine, which he was thanks to his brilliant driving skills and restraint system. The tow truck came over and lifted his car while he got a ride back to the pit area.
---
"Are you okay?" Everyone kept asking Tristan, but he was quite fine. Just very angry that he lost his best car, the race, and most of all, lost his chance to prove how good he was.
"It's okay!" Gendo said, polishing off a bottle of scotch. "We can rebuild it! Make it better! We have the technology!"
"Oh fuck off, Gendo!" Rei spat as she handed Tristan a towel. "You're such a cockface to everyone who has ever done anything to you!"
"Wow, someone's going to be riding the CRIMSON TIDE soon! Ha. Ha. Ha." Gendo stood up and went to pat Tristan on the shoulder. "It's too bad my son is such a pussy. You know? I mean it's not like I asked much from him or anything. I was willing to put up with him for so long, I gave him all the opportunities to get laid and he didn't even do anything except fall on a girl and apologize. What a loser. I mean, she totally wanted him, and what did he do? He pussied out like he did with third impact. Good work, you fucking tool. Don't you realize that I'm manipulating every aspect of your pathetic existance?"
"Uh, Dad, I'm right here..." Shinji looked up from sitting on Kaworu's lap. Gendo merely ignored him.
"And another thing, when are we going to get another one of those beings of mass destruction? I mean, I'm ready to party! The JSDF can invade all they want, but WE'VE GOT THE BOMBS! Big fucking bombs! Ones with n and a two on them!"
Tristan sighed, and sat down on one of the folding chairs. "I guess there's nothing left to do than clean up this crap."
---
Two weeks later...
---
"Hey Asuka, when do you think that teacher will EVER give us a real assignment?" He asked as Rei, Kaworu, Shinji, and Asuka followed behind after their required math class.
"I don't know, but I don't mind because you and Rei keep me up all night. Ha ha ha." Asuka laughed.
Suddenly, all of their phones went off at the same time. "The Mayor must be calling! Townsville is in trouble!" Rei said, running over to her car. "Call the Professor and tell him that we'll be late!"
"Townsville?" Kaworu shrugged, skipping over to his car. "Where's Townsville?"
"Professor Fuytsuki?" Shinji shook his head. What would Rei want to do with him?
---
"Oh no! It's the biggest angel we've ever seen! Even bigger than Planet DELTA!" Ritsuko said while gulping down another cup of coffee.
"Bigger than Godzilla?" Maya asked. One of the technicians asked the other what Planet DELTA was.
"Twice the size! The tiny toy tanks were totally useless against it! Pagodas have had their tiles ripped straight from the roofs from its super-powered breath!" Maya gasped.
"The JSDF has been going through some rough times," Misato said, smoothing back a few stray hairs. "I remember when they had guns on the mountain side... Or was that us?"
"Well, whatever, we need Thunder Megazord Power now! Power up your crystals, because it's Morphin' Time!" Gendo shouted, grabbing at his belt buckle. Not suprisingly, nothing happened. Gendo sat down again and asked Fuyutsuki to get him a belt that did something unlike his current one. "Right then! Let's launch those giant robots while I watch Chopper Dave."
"Launch EVAs!"
---
"Allo?" Asuka asked, her communications line not responding. "Anyone there?" She flipped on a few communications screens and there was nothing but static. "What is going on?" Her EVA was working fine in every respect other than the communications. "ALLOOOOO?"
She lurched her EVA over to the west, and four kilometers away stood the massive angel that would make even Mothra's spooge rays turn away. The angel stood at least seven hundred meters tall, and over one hundred wide. It had the body of a platypus, the arms of a praying mantis, the legs of a rhinoserous, the head that was deeply submerged in its chest that looked like a giant ox, and it was covered with a purple gel-like surface. The S2 core could be seen pulsating between the giant rhino legs. At least a hundred pink tentacles sprouted from the back, oozing a white liquid and waving freely in the air.
"MEIN GOTT!" Asuka exclaimed while slapping both te sides of her face. "It's a tentacle monster! And it's looking for love all in the wrong places!"
The red Unit 02 sprung to the left as a tentacle shot out to its leg. "It grows!" She thought, and ran over to one of the weapons buildings and picked up a pair of progressive assault rifles. She began firing them as she quickly saw Units 00, 01, and 04 firing away at the tentacles.
"Hmmm... Must concentrate on the angel, not the tentacles!" She ran across the pure white cityscape, approaching the giant beast. It was so much bigger than her EVA and she knew that her guns were useless. Close combat was the only way. Taking out her progressive knife, she stabbed it deep into the leg of the angel which had yet to have a name. This time it sunk deeply in, but the slime grabbed at her EVA'S hands. Asuka desperately attempted to pull out, but it was too late, her hands were stuck solid.
"Oh fuck..." she puled as the tentacles wrapped around her EVA's ankles and elbows, ripping her out of the gel-like surface. Asuka's eva was lifted high in the air and ten more tentacles shot out from behind its back, poised in front of her EVA's head, glistening in the early afternoon sun.
Asuka contempted her fate, and thought a silent prayer as the tentacles poised back, ready to rip her EVA apart in the middle of the air. But instead of ripping her EVA to shreds, they shot the liquid they were dripping all over the EVA's upper body and head.
"Gross!" she cried as her viewscreen went milky white.
---
"MONEY SHOT!" Gendo yelled as Asuka's EVA was tossed in the air, dripping thick, ropey liquid from its face. The evangelion landed face down, burying itself into the ground deeply.
"... Do you want to get sued?" Professor Fuyutsuki asked Gendo who was writing a label for the tapes, "EVA BUKAKE PART FOUR: SLIMEY MECHA MECHA HIGHSCHOOL ADVENTURE NEON VIBRATION!"
"Not especailly!"
"Anyways, why hasn't Unit 00 moved in yet? Give her an N2 mine and tell her to go nuts," Gendo ordered.
---
Rei watched as Unit 02 flew overhead, and held the tentacles at bay with a new progressive weapon, the progessive chainsaw. Every time she sawed one of the tenacles off, the remaining stalk erupted all over various parts of her EVA. The material did not seem to be harmful, so she continued on while combatting the angel.
One weapons building popped up and a squat green N2 mine cannister stood ready to be inserted in the Angel.
"They must expect me to want to do some suicide mission, but I'm not going to! No sir! I've got reasons to live!" Rei reassured herself, moving in closely to Unit 04 which was shooting at the approaching tentacles.
---
"Why isn't Rei taking the N2 mine, Fuyutsuki?" Gendo asked, focusing four cameras on the blue Evangelion.
"Probably because she has something to live for, maybe?" Fuyutsuki offered for a suggestion. "Just a thought, though."
"Naw, I was pretty sure I beat that out of her a few years ago... Unless it's TRISTAN DELECOUR'S INFLUENCE! Which is quite alright because he's just so perfect and muscular and OH SO DREAMY! Do you think he'll go to the prom with me, Fuyutsuki? I do sure hope he asks me to it!"
"That's impossible because we all know that Rei is impervious to making decent, long lasting relationships!" Fuyutsuki tried to make up various excuses as to why Rei was not sacrificing her cloned life for the greater good of the world.
"Only time will tell what is going to- HOLY SHIT, DID YOU SEE THE SIZE OF THAT PROJECTILE!?" Gendo yelled, wrenching the camera over to a fallen Unit 01. "Looks like Shinji got the big load! Ha ha ha!"
"Sirs! I am not finding you making light of Shinji's situation amusing!" Kaworu radio up to the control tower where Fuyutsuki and Gendo sat. "No matter how many loads Shinji takes down, it's important for him to know that you truly care about him, and that your love is unconditional as a parent!"
---
Tristan saw Unit 01 go down and dried a tear. Only himself and Rei were left. Units 01 and 02 were down. He lifted the large, clear, full body shield in the silver EVA's right hand and stared at the wavering tentacles that were attacking. Rei fought the incoming ones with the progressive chainsaw while Tristan moved the shield slowly in, to protect himself and Rei from the dangerous tentacles and what not.
He tried throwing some progressive handgrenades to not much effect, and the progressive tennis balls being thrown at the monster didn't do anything at all. He figured that the progressive machine gun bullets were just pissing him off.
"Damn! Shit! Hell! What would Dad do in this kind of situation!" Tristan thought as he was getting very close to the giant American-class smell creature. The tentacles were getting intense and he saw Rei's Evangelion get lifted high in the air by a few tentacles, the progressive chainsaw being dropped to the ground. "Oh no! Rei's in trouble, and that means I'm next! Time to show my true form through my ultimate attack!! UNIT 04 CRESCENT MOON BEAM FREEZE AT FIELD!!!"
The silver, black, and red Evangelion tossed the slimy shield to one side and posed, grasping the right hand in the air, gathering its AT Field into a central point it its palm. A small ball of light turned from white to a pitch black with big spikes of energy coming from it. Tristan lowered his hands as the ball grew to the size of Unit 04's arm, and braced the right hand with the left, manipulating the AT Field into a concentrated blast that blasted through the Angel, causing it to drop Rei in the middle of its degridation of her EVA.
"Yaay! I rokk harder than Dokken!" Tristan cheered as he concentrated the beam of manipulated pure energy against the ugly beast. Tentacles dropped to its side, but the creature seemed to be dissapearing into thin air. "Wait! I'm not done with you yet!"
The beast dissappeared, dropping Rei's EVA onto the ground below. Radio contact between the EVA's and base was restored after the dissapearence, and Tristan checked on the status on HQ.
---
"DAMN SHIT HELL!" Ritsuko said while slamming the ceramic coffee mug on the counter, "If only DA DRAGON was around he would be able to defeat this phantom menace!"
"Uh, Ritsuko, Don "The Dragon" Wilson has been dead for over twenty years," Maya replied, looking up at her SEMPAI-SAMA with wide eyes.
"... Whoops. Don't want to be, uh, just right," Ritsuko avoided confrontation by walking over to Kaworu and Misato who were idly chatting about the battle that had just occured. "Hey look, it's dumb and dumber!"
"I'd appreciate it if you kept your personal jokes out of this, Ritsuko," Kaworu said. "We have a very critical situation! It's of an emergency scale!"
"Yeah, right," Misato said, straightening out her red commander cap. "Let's get the crews in on those EVA's!"
---
"Wow, so you can manipulate your AT field Tristan?" Shinji looked over while drying off his hair in the dressing room. Kaworu was there as well, leaning against a locker, looking on at them both.
"Well who CAN'T? I mean it's not that hard. All you have to do is go 'KAMEHAMEHA!' and zoom! There's your manipulated AT Blast. You couldn't have possibly much problems as I did, considering you fought how many angels?"
"Ummmm.. Twelve?"
"Wow, you really suck if you didn't figure that out. I'm suprise that third impact didn't happen and we're all not in some big naked fourteen year old girl right now!" Tristan scoffed, tossing on an orange t-shirt over his bare body. "A bunch of white, Mr. Socko EVA's come along and we're all like 'Hey, they're Mr. Socko, and they're attacking and NERV is getting shot up and people are dying!' Then Unit 01 makes third impact and the rest of the time goes to shit!"
"Well that was the whole original plan," Kaworu said, smiling. "But we couldn't have that! Who needs eternal happiness and the next step of humanity united with no more wars? We have it great here! Thanks to you, that is!"
"Not us, or we'd be out of buisness! Ha ha ha!" Shinji laughed, joined in by Tristan and Kaworu.
---
"I have an idea that will save us all. Apparently it doesn't like manipulated AT FIelds," Gendo said to his fellows in command. "What we need to do is build a really big metal chair. Like an EVA sized folding chair."
"... Metal chair?" Ritsuko asked, raising one of her black eyebrows. "What do we need a big metal chair for?"
"Well, see the plan is to have the other three EVA's lift up the chair, Unit 04 will use its new AT Field manipulation power, and charge the chair. Then the three EVA's toss up the chair, and then Unit 04 kicks the charged chair with a flying kick and it goes flying into the ANGEL's head, boom, we win!" Gendo said, explaining his plan with NERV approved EVA action figures.
"Sugoi! The legendary Vandaminator!" Misato said, gasping. "Do you think they can pull it off?"
"Let's hope so," Gendo said, pushing his yellow tinted glasses up the bridge of his nose. "The fate of humanity relies on one SUPERSTAR DJ and JEET KUN DO expert! As well as being the best at a bunch of other things, like driving, surfing, drifting, blah blah blah."
"I'll start the preperations at once!" Ritsuko said, running off with her lab coat. "Preperations are always the best!"
"How is the status of Unit 01, 02, and 00?" Fuyutsuki asked. "I hope the fixes will be done!"
"They should be ready within a week, sir!" Misato answered, looking at the models of the EVA's with interest. The unit 00 model seemed to be moving on its own. "Uh, sir? Unit 00 is moving?"
"I know. It's the latest project that we've had NERV scientests working on! Who wouldn't want a pet EVA?" Gendo said, stroking the 30 cm model's head. It made a high pitched little noise of contentment and rubbed its shoulder fins against Gendo's finger. "Go ahead, it can't bite!"
Misato lowered her head down to the EVA's level and stared at the glowing green eye that the blue EVA had. "Hey there cutie," She said, offering her finger. The EVA backed up a few steps and squeeked. "I'm not going to hurt you!" she reassured the fabricated creature as she petted its head. The EVA shook and reached for its shoulder fin.
"Aww, she's reaching for her progressive knife," Gendo said, picking the biomechanical toy up in his hands making smooching faces at it. "Not just yet, my little darling! Don't want you hurting anyone!"
"Cute," Misato mumbled while exiting the meeting room.
---
"So Rei, what do you think the definition of that angel is?" Asuka said, rubbing her body down with a towel. Two angels so far in her new career and she kept getting her ass kicked. It was a good thing Tristan Delecour was around or else she would have no reason to live anymore, or if it was seven years ago, she would've probably gone crazy and shot herself. Or ended up naked and emanciated in a bathtub. Again.
"Well, after watching a vast amount of late 20th century Japanese animated erotica, I have reason to believe that this is an Overfiend-esque style tentacle monster that is not happy with us." She answered, handing Asuka her bra. "We're quite lucky that EVA's don't have mouths or sexual organs, as it would probably rape our EVA's and overfill them with that white stuff that you got covered with.
'But how do we defeat it? I got stuck badly!" Asuka wrenched her hands together. "And you got your ass kicked too! So did Shinji!"
"Vandaminator," Rei responded plainly, as she ran her hand down Asuka's back down to her firm rear. "I have reason to believe that this is the only way we can defeat it."
"Hey, not here, I'd rather not have this scene be a women in prison style movie, so later, okay?" Asuka batted Rei's hand away and continued dressing. "I feel bad for Tristan though, he's always at the garage working on that ruined Eclipse,"
"Yeah. He doesn't have any time for US!" Rei whined, pulling over a simple white cotton dress. "But then again, everyone needs a hobby!"
"Let's roll!" Asuka grinned after pulling on a pair of silver pants.
---
Tristan stared at the remains of the 1997 Eclipse GSX. Structurally, it was intact. The unibody in the front was shot, and would require a full tube frame conversion, along with the intercooler, the radiator, most of the intake piping on the intercooler. It was a very lucky hit that the car was not a total loss. The ruined parts were all on the garage floor, as Tristan had been working on them earlier, pulling them apart. He sat on the red rolling stool, just staring at the car on the lift.
"Working much?" Misato asked Tristan from the doorway of office in the garage. She was wearing her red leather jacket and a very short dress showing off her still thin and long legs.
"Meh, I don't know what I'm going to do about this car," Tristan said, pointing to the ruined mess of parts that he pulled off. He took off the mechanics gloves and sat them on the work table, where a fresh, new tail light was found for his car sat.
"Mind if I take a closer look?" Misato asked, closing the main doorway to the outside air off.
"Sure, watch your hands, some of the fiber there is still pretty jagged,"
"Thanks for the tip," Misato made a small smile and looked closely at the interior of the car. It was completely bare of anything, looking like Tristan was going to rip apart the car some more for work to the chassis.
"So what brings you here? I usually stick it out alone"
"Eh, I figured I'd check up on you, as I am still responsable for your well being."
"Annd how do you plan on checking up on that?" Tristan asked as he removed the coveralls, his muscles rippling under the old shirt. Misato was one to not miss this and she quietly leaned against the bench. She removed her jacket and put it on one of the hangers.
"Wouldn't you like to know?" She smirked while Tristan tossed the shirt off in the pile of old rags.
"Oh really?" Tristan went and stood next to Misato. Misato took her index finger and dragged it slowly down his chest. "Gee, Ms. Robinson, if I didn't know any better, I'd think you were trying to seduce me."
"Perhaps," Misato said while pulling at the waist of his pants. "I'm just wondering if you're still up for the task..."
"Cute pun," Tristan remarked while he looked at her eyes. "But I don't think I can really leave Asuka and Rei like this."
This type of answer did not please Misato, and she wrapped her arms around his chest. "Please? For your commanding officer?" she mewed as she kissed his shoulder.
"Well when you put it that way..." Tristan said as he ran his finger down the zipper on Misato's dress. She put her hand on his and pulled him over to the old bed that was in the back of the garage.
---
Misato laid on the flat section of the roof undressed, still covered with a sheen of sweat she had from her encounters with Tristan. As she looked up at the night sky, she wondered if what she was doing was truly right. If she was breaking all known NERV directories. She thought to herself as Tristan brought her up a beer, and himself a Red Bull. NERV was headed by an insane man now, and the only one that she could truly count on was Tristan, who had all the characteristics of Kaji, minus the theiving backstabbing, plus a much better hairstyle, mad DJ skillz, cooler cars, and much larger "unit".
"Where did you get that scar?" Tristan pointed at the scar that went across Misato's chest as he drank the carbonated green liquid down.
"From second impact... I was at Ground Zero contact point."
"Ouch. I hacked into your personal file at NERV because I was bored and found out all about you and special agent Ryouji Kaji,"
"They took things down about that?" Misato bolted up, her chest heaving up and down. What exactly did NERV take down about her life?
"Eh, it's not much. Just said that you were suspected to have some sort of relationship with him," He shrugged and threw the can of soda down the roof lid. Tristan was lying through his teeth as there was a full record of having every single escapade with Kaji, up until his assasination done by Misato herself.
"Well, as long as I have you around, I don't have to live in that past anymore," Misato leaned over and kissed Tristan's cheek. "Thanks. I needed this."
"Uh, any time?" Tristan looked over as Misato chugged down the beer. She was one difficult subject.
---
"The angel is here! The angel is here!" Maya exclaimed while hopping up and down in her chair. She was so excited as everything was prepared properly, and that the project VANDAMINATOR was going to be a success.
"Prepare the EVA's and the big metal chair!" Ritsuko ordered as Gendo watched on from a far.
"This isn't going to work, is it?" Fuyutsuki asked Gendo in a whisper.
"It sure as hell is," Gendo reassured his older colleague. "I've got fifty thousand yen riding on this with the guys downstairs."
---
"Are you guys ready?" Tristan asked to his fellow pilots. He recieved nods all around from their communications. "Well then, let's do it!"
"HAI!"
The four pilots lurched their machines in preperation for the attack as the angel sat poised over NERV, ready to send out its tentacles against anything that approached too closely.
"NOW!" Tristan yelled as the creature roared. Units 00, 01, and 02 threw the giant metal folding chair up in the air, and Tristan ran in his EVA, kicking the chair right at the direct S2 core of the angel. In a showering of cross shaped shrapnel, the angel exploded and made a giant cross shaped explosion that could be seen twenty kilometers away.
"Yaay!" Everyone cheered and jumped up and down, the EVA's giving each other SUPER high fives of victory.
---
"Yay! Only... Eight more to go!" Misato cheered as she chugged down a can of Old Milwaukee. "We did it Ritsuko! Who knew the Vandaminator would work?" she pulled Ritsuko into her arms and cheered.
"Ikari did," Ritsuko whimpered while trying to escape from Misato's grasp. "He's the best at everything, eh?"
"I've had better," Kaworu said to no one in particular, eliciting a few glances from Maya and Ritsuko.
"Let's bring the EVA's in and we can have a super party style big battle!"
"HAI!"
---
Meanwhile at SEELE's evil headquarters, Paul Oakenfold sat in a chair wearing a blue cotton polo shirt and a pair of khaki's .The evil emperor was not happy at the moment, due to the fact that his latest monster was destroyed by those miserable young adults. Like he had lots of angels to keep sending down at NERV for Adam or Lilith.
"Sir, I don't believe that you can truly take him down at this moment! We need more time to develop a super angel to defeat that miserable little man!" John Digiweed said as he sat behind the table. Sasha was beside him playing with a little silver box.
"Perhaps," Oakenfold said as he rubbed his chin, deep in thought. "Although I do have something in mind for our ultimate battle... How is the status on the construction of my own EVANGELION going?"
"It is going well, sire," DJ TIESTO said to Oakenfold as he cowered in front of the mighty PROGRESSIVE TRANCE DJ.
"Good! I should hope it shall be ready! Prepare the next angel for attack and we shall rule the world!"
---
"So what are we going to do now T Delecour?" Asuka said while stretching back at home with Misato, Shinji, and Tristan. "It seems the angels keep getting stronger and stronger!"
"Gee Asuka, I don't know, I think we should just give up and wait for the world to end,"
"You don't have to be snide!"
"You don't have to be dressed either!" Tristan said and immediately regretted it.
"Gee Tristan, that's just the greatest idea, but I don't think that Shinji would like that, despite his attempts 7 years ago," Asuka mumbled inbetween bites of a carrot.
"I certainly would not!" Shinji cried, standing up and running to his room to listen to his minidisc player alone.
Tristan looked at Asuka, then at Misato. "You two ever thought of getting it on?" he said with a smile.
END CHAPTER 5