Chapter 8 THE CHAPTER AFTER CHAPTER SEVEN!
Tristan Delecour was bored. Bored silly of silly graphic design classes that he was so incredibly superior to, bored of cleaning his new Parker-Hale M85 sniper rifle with Schmidt & Bender 6x42mm scope, bored of having sexual escapades with Asuka and Rei, bored of fighting the New Angels, just bored all around.
"Asuka, my dearest of dears," he said in a faux-sotto voice. "Won't you be the kindest of kind and find something for me to do?"
Asuka, on the other hand, was busy trying to get to the next level of Dig-Dug-17. so she didn't take his calling to heart. "Go work on your cars, or something."
Tristan sighed at this response, not willing to continually deal with the red-head's disagreements with his current bored status, and started to wander around the house, looking for something interesting. "Bored bored booooored!" He kicked the clothing out of the way, to go see what Misato was doing at the time. "Misato, I'm bored with this place. Can't we fight some angels or have a super duper rock concert or something like that!"
"..." Misato did not answer did not answer and rolled over, trying to sleep on the wonderful Saturday afternoon.
"Bored!" Tristan yelled, getting irritated with her lack of concern to Tristan's predicament. "Boooored!" he yelled once more before exiting the room, slamming the sliding door shut. He stormed off to Shinji's room where he heard a sickly sweet theme song play. "Oi! Shinji! You doing anything in there?"
"Oh, I just got this old television show called Tiny Snowfairy Sugar and it is such a wonderful and sweet show for me to watch and.." Shinji began babbling the moment that Tristan opened his door.
Upon seeing the images that were being projected on Shinji's wall, Tristan took a step back. "Uh, I think I'll... Pass."
"Your loss! Boy, I sure wish I was in an anime!"
---
Rei carefully kneeled on the gold patterned cushion, holding the bamboo brush delicately in her right hand over the sheet of rice paper. Her mind was clear, concise, and in a truly meditative mood. The deep blue kimono she was wearing was a 500 year old heirloom handed down from Fuyutsuki's family to Gendo as a gift for Rei's twenty-second "birthday", along with the matching blood red obi that was tied around her waist in a perfect manner. The windows were all covered, and the room was lit by a pair of paper lanterns at both sides of the large piece of rice paper. A careful dip into the ink to perfectly shape the horsehair tip, and with a careful, precise movement, a character stroke would be made.
And then the phone rang mid stroke, causing Rei to stutter mid stroke, bringing the brush all the way down the sheet of paper, mere centimeters from the kimono. Her heart pulsed wildly as she held her arm again, the sweat beginning to bead on her forehead. The phone rang once more, causing Rei to sigh, putting the brush on the inkwell edge, and answered the portable phone. "Hello?" she asked, standing up and opening a window on the fine fall day.
"Hey Rei, what are you doing?" she heard Tristan say in a very disgruntled voice.
"Nothing too exciting." She said, looking down at her ruined rice-paper. "Just hanging around."
"Oh," was the reply. "I thought you knew something that we could, you know... do?"
"I don't know... I'm still a bit sore from this morning but, y'know, just give me another hour and I'll be fine."
"No, no, no, I meant something intellectually stimulating rather than carnal."
"Well, um, I bet Fuyutsuki knows what to do! He's always doing something interesting," Rei mused, drumming her fingers on her chin. "Or maybe Gendo?"
"Oh. Okay. I'll come pick you up then and we can go on a wacky adventure not involving giant robots, angels, or Oakenfold." and then dial tone.
"Huh? Well, okay. I guess." Rei sighed, pleased with the information that Tristan was picking her up, but also a bit frustrated with the phone call messing up her calligraphy.
---
"Bored bored bored bored boooored!" Tristan sang while driving the highly-modified Eclipse down the roads at rates triple the "suggested" speed limit. Every time the exhaust let out a belch of flame, he would accentuate the song with a falsetto "bored". Rei merely looked out the poly-carbonate window, the vent open, blowing her short hair in the breeze.
As the car rocketed through the hills and roads of Japan, NERV headquarters loomed in the distance, and upon seeing this, Tristan hit the garage door opener so he could drive right in. It was perfect timing that Tristan drove into the secret underground complex that was NERV central.
"Well, that certainly was BORING," Tristan said as he slammed the carbon fiber door closed to a sickening crunch. "You okay over there?" he asked Rei Ayanami who was attempting to crawl over the carbon fiber side impact stiffening braces on the roll-cage in the kimono. "I mean, you're the one who wore that stupid thing!"
"I'm... fine!" she said as she fell on the poured concrete floor with an audible thump.
"Well then, good! I'm going to go see what Cheech and Chong are up to there!" Tristan said as he ran off to the elevator.
"Hey! Wait for me!" Rei ran in the wooden sandals while trying to keep up the layers upon layers of kimonos from tripping her movement.
"Well hurry up! You're making me more bored by taking so long!"
"I'm sorry, I truly am! Is there any way I can make it up to you?" Rei begged while wheezing for breath.
"I dunno. I guess not." Tristan said as he hit the elevator button.
---
"So wait, wait, wait, if Mecha-Godzilla got into a fight with Ultraman, you're saying that Mecha Godzilla would win?" Gendo asked Fuyutsuki. "That's preposterous!"
"No, Gendo, I did not say that Mecha-Godzilla could defeat Ultraman," Fuyutsuki replied dryly, working on his fifth scotch of the day. "I merely said that–"
"Hey dudes what's going on?" Tristan said as Rei stumbled in from behind Tristan Delecour's mighty splendor. "Woah cool, Ultraman!" Tristan said as he looked at the computer screen that Gendo had put up.
"Yes, indeed it's Ultraman. In fact, I'm glad you two showed up! We've got good news that everyone should hear!"
"And what's that?"
"We found SEELE's, and Oakenfold's, main headquarters!" Gendo said with particular pride.
---
"And so, the four EVA's on the new SURF EVA will ride a massive tidal wave to Ibiza where they will be able to kick and punch their way into the belly of Oakenfold's hideout and save the day! Any questions?" Gendo said, highlighting the wave with a remote mouse.
"Question!" Asuka shouted, writing the information down on her personal laptop that was pouring out holographic images onto her hands.
"Yes, what is it, Langley?"
"Do we have to watch Blade on the way over?" She asked in the most innocent tone she could muster.
"Uh, no. Next question! Rei?" Gendo replied.
"How will Unit 00 and 02 remain powered while in Ibiza?"
"The surf-boards contain super powerful micro generators that will keep those Eva's powered up. Next!"
"How will we know when we reach Ibiza?" Tristan said, chewing on his nails. "I'd really like to finish this off, you know, so I can get back to the important things, like making top selling albums forever more."
"We haven't put enough biblical references in yet, so just hang on, while we try to awkwardly try to juxtapose our purpose of defeating Oakenfold with the Bible." Fuyutsuki tried to explain.
"Yes, precisely!" Gendo smiled in the way that only Gendo can smile, which would be with teeth and having his mouth covered by his hands. Or one of those variations of smiles that only Rei could pick up on. "So suit up and get out of here!"
"Do we have to?" Shinji whined.
"Do we ever?"
---
OCTOBER 21st, 2022 AD
Black. White. The screens flickered on and off between the rapid depression of the power button on the controller beneath Shinji's finger tip. Amidst the LCL fluid, various status screens spat out colorful information much like a broken pachinko machine. All of this data didn't bother Shinji in the least, as he looked over at the communications screen that was endlessly filled with the banter of Ayanami, Langley, and Delecour. The sound of the endlessly rolling wave had become a source of tranquility to Shinji, almost a focus point for his hourly meditation.
In the other pods, things were not quite as subdued and calm. Tristan's silver Evangelion was in the lead of the formation, hunched over and ready to take action. The pilot, however, was not quite so ready. In his LCL filled cabin, Tristan Delecour was in a state of blissful sleep, the gentle rocking of the waves making his entry pod into a sleep chamber, although occasionally his blissful slumber would be interrupted by the discords of Asuka and Rei. It was at precisely 1:27 P.M. Japan Standard Time that Asuka managed to bother Tristan at the perfect time for his work.
"Hey, Tristan?" Asuka asked as she whirled through the information architecture of the Evangelion's database. "What have you been doing for the past five hours?"
"Writing a sonnet!" Tristan replied with a snap of his gloved fingers. Hexagon-shaped particles from the three-dimensional screen system danced from his fingers.
"About what?"
"You."
"Wow, I am so incredibly blessed by the no doubt superior and wonderful writing talents!" Asuka cried out in a gasp that was approaching mere orgasm from the fact that Tristan was doing such a task for her own worthless self.
"An Ode to Asuka, by Tristan Delecour" Tristan began to speak, clearing his throat with a subtle cough.
"My Asuka, oh how you've been;
The tears you've cried, the moods of your ways;
What cannot be said of your endless beauty;
The things you do, I hold to my breast;
What cannot be said is the method of your love;
With tears of madness in a descent;
To the bowls of a hell that I wish to ignore;
The pierce of your voice can be held above;
With dignity, and beauty I so adore;
Justice above in EVA form, I hope that death;
That I will be in your heart forevermore."
Asuka blinked a scant few times before the massive onslaught of pure poetry that Tristan wrote, especially for her. If she didn't have her plug suit on at that moment, and was actually out of her EVA she would have been forced to copulate with Delecour right then and there, but unfortunately for her, they still had a mission. The moment Asuka started to respond to this klaxons sounded in all the EVA's with a new alert! There was a new angel approaching in the water!
"Oh boy, an Angel!" Rei said in her newly repainted Yellow Unit 00. It was redone in yellow because yellow is so much of a better color than blue ever could be, and it also confused the Angels. "Time to go swimming!" Rei giggled and jumped into the water, only to start sinking rapidly under the ocean's might.
"That silly baka-head!" Tristan scoffed as he watched the Unit 00 fall deep within the water before getting chewed on by the new angel, which looked like the first aquatic angel but with more teeth and a face that looked like Marc Summers of Double Dare fame. "Eva's 00 through 03 can't swim! Duuuurrr!" he laughed and went diving in after the angel. Within ten minutes, Unit 04 managed to not only rescue Rei's EVA and put it back on its surfboard, but also managed to defeat the angel, cut out the S2 core, and cram it into Unit 00's body somehow.
"Gee Tristan," Shinji said while clicking off an episode of Tokyo Mew Mew. "You certainly did show that Angel who's the boss!"
"But I thought that was Tony Danza!" Rei said, laughing. Soon everyone else joined in laughing with Ayanami, and high-fives of victory were traded.
---
"Sir, we have a problem!"
Those were the last words that kept echoing in Paul Oakenfold's head. Deep within his hideout in Ibiza, the fortified fortress of all things Oakenfold was silent. Giant tapestries declaring Oakenfold as the #1 DJ in the world hung behind him in his ready-room. MixMag, DJ, and various other "club music" based magazine articles were pasted up on the walls, with any mention of his name being highlighted. Wires ran across the floor to the holographic-based workstations that displayed every inch of the complex in a constantly rotating, slightly transparent view.
"I say it once more, we have a problem!" DJ Tiesto cried out as he put printouts of high altitude spy shots of the EVA's rapidly surfing to Ibiza. "The usage of Marc Summers was completely useless!"
"How goes my final combatant creature?" Oakenfold said as he pushed the button that was blinking softly. a monitor raising out of the slick black desk. "Ah, I see his progress is gaining! Ha. Ha. Ha!"
"Ha. Ha. Ha." Tiesto laughed along with Oakenfold.
---
"We're here in Ibiza!" Tristan said, lifting the EVA's surfboard onto the beach front. Asuka mumbled something about trashy tourist areas.
After the loss of the ice in the south pole, one would think that a tiny coastal island like Ibiza would be lost totally at sea. But thanks to Oakenfold's evil scheming, he managed to keep the island afloat above the rising waters by conjuring the forces of all the flotation devices that he could get. Gone were the beautiful beaches, in their place was a giant beach full of oil soaked dirt, rotting carcasses used in the testing and development of the new Angels strewn around on the ground. In the distance towards the center of the island, massive silos billowing steam from the super heated fission process loomed in a blue haze on the horizon.
Suddenly a small army of tanks appeared beneath the feet of the EVA's, and began to launch TOW/Surface to air missiles. Tristan quickly moved into action and proceeded to stomp on them all, which was quite hardcore. Almost super hardcore. In fact, it was super hardcore and quite possibly the hardest of the hardcore maneuvers.
"Oh jeeze..." Tristan said as Unit 04 wiped off the waste materials that were clinging to the base of its feet. "I'm gonna have to clean that up with a piece of paper towel that I put in the SURF EVA!"
Tristan then removed a giant piece of Bounty from the Surf EVA and carefully wiped the remains of the tanks from the bottom of the EVA's feet. Rei could only watch on with great interest while Asuka and Shinji sort of sat there playing with their progressive handgrenades and bowling balls.
---
MEANWHILE BACK AT NERV...
"Wake me up, before you go-go, i don't want to end up going solo..." Kaworu sang at full volume to his portable music player as he laid back in the control center. While there were very few people who actually cared about the mission at hand, those remaining were busy laboring the vital signs of the EVA pilots.
"So let me get this straight Tristan, if I get a JZA-80 you say that the duration and lift of the 272 degree camshafts will shift the power band too much for my applications? That's preposterous!" Gendo chatted with Tristan via radio. Tristan was busy making charts for Gendo with his fingers as the hexagons went flying through the proprietary user interface featured in the EVAs.
Ritsuko sighed deeply into her cup of coffee and maintained a steady pressure on the keyboard that controlled the MAGI. Despite all the attacks that they had received, the MAGI were still in full operational order, and never again would they have to worry about any failure in the MAGI from the small amount of tweaking by Maya Ibuki.
---
As the EVA's began to pound the headquarters in Ibiza into bedrock, Paul Oakenfold brought forth the his final weapon. There was only one last resort. Use his power of ultimate evil to travel back in time and prevent the EVA's from ever being created and stop Tristan Delecour from ever existing. The control panel set out in front of him, and he typed in the date, the time, and the exact moment. "Push the button, Tiesto"
"Are you sure this is a good idea? We haven't really tested this out!"
"I promise you the world, Tiesto, and I shall give it to you. We shall have it."
Tiesto pushed the button and the entire room was engulfed in a solid red light.
---
A huge red ball enveloped the principle cast of this story and they all screamed and stuff.
"OH NO I KNOW WHAT THIS IS!" Tristan yelled as EVA's began to panic and trying to escape the light. But it was not so to happen. "THIS IS A TRANSDIMENSIONAL WEAPON OF UNDETERMINATE ORIGIN!"
"Wow, Tristan, how did you figure out that one?" Shinji asked as he started to disappear in the red mist, Unit 01 starting to become transparent.
"Well, it's pretty obvious that he knows what's going on most of the time. We should probably just wait this one out," Rei said as she floated through the red mist to the group of four pilots.
"So where are we going?" Asuka asked, stretching out from her pilot position, floating in the air while flashes of lightning went all crazy and stuff.
"Probably to another dimension. Dunno until we get there." Tristan remarked, calmly rearranging his groin.
---
"The psychoactive smoke show has totally gotten them wicked totally confused, Oakenfold!" Tiesto cackled, and called all remaining high ranking officers that he could into the escape spaceship that they had prepared.
"Come Tiesto, we shall return to planet Party Trance and everything will be okay and we will launch our final offensive against the Geofront and we'll totally have a concert for an hour where we'll charge 100 dollars per person to listen to us spin records, wouldn't that be great?" Oakenfold growled as the robotic helpers loaded all his personal items into the spacecraft.
"It's a good thing you're the best leader ever," Ferry Corsten smiled as he carried a big box of records to the shuttle. They emitted an evil aura that rose up to the top of the ceiling.
"Why yes, I am the most perfect evil DJ ever!" Oakenfold laughed as he pushed the launch button, rocketing them to the planet PARTY TRANCE which was sort of like Planet D.E.L.T.A. but had less monsters and about 20 less likely to be blown up by a bunch of meddling kids.
---
Just as soon as the ship launched, the red mist vapor disappeared from around our heroic EVA pilots and they all sort of gave up and decided to walk back to Tokyo 3.
"Kaworu, are you there?" Tristan called out to the station as he had to carry both Asuka and Rei's EVA's back because they both ran out of power and only him and Shinji still had S2 cores in their EVA's (Well Unit 00 had an S2 core but it wasn't working that great) and Shinji was too weak and too much of a wuss to do it. Tristan, however, was the first in line to re-power their units with his own S2 core.
After a few hours they all reached NERV and Gendo was really pissed off.
"Nice job Tristan, but it seems like the budget is a little low right now," Gendo said, eating a large orange popsicle.
"Well, I couldn't have done it alone, but I'm just being a little modest," Tristan smirked, his silver plug-suit glimmering under the bright lights of NERV's terminal dogma.
"We have some good and bad news," Kaworu reported off the terminal. "First, it seems that Ibiza is completely gone."
"Yay!" Shinji cheered.
"Bad news is that Paul Oakenfold and the rest of his miserable super DJ's are still alive."
"Boo!" Asuka and Rei frowned in unison.
"Good news is that we know where they went, and that's planet PARTY TRANCE!"
"Hooray!" All the EVA pilots cheered together, and drank a whole bunch of beers straight.
---
Tristan Delecour walked down the streets of Tokyo 3 alone, thinking to himself about how much things were much more awesome now that he was here.Everywhere he went he got a friendly wave as he walked down the narrow Tokyo-3 streets. It was a good thing that he knew how to handle this kind of situation otherwise anyone else would not know how to deal with his massive celebrity status. As he stroked his chin that had the perfect amount of sexy stubble on it, it struck him much like the beat drops on that massively awesome track that he had going in his head.
"LET'S MAKE EVERYONE GO TO BOSTON!", which of course, was his massively awesome place that he was born in. He phoned up Gendo who thought that was a totally badass idea and that they could probably use some time off.
---
"I would've thought that with the whole seas rising and stuff that Boston would've been flooded!" Shinji said as he sat in the seat of NERV's private jet.
"Yeah, you would've thought that, but hey, it's not!" Tristan said as he stroked his pet cat's black and white fur. She was purring and kneading at his knees with her claws.
"Wow, I have always wanted to go to Boston," Rei said.
"Me too!" Asuka agreed. "It has always been my life long dream to see where you are!"
Tristan could only smirk as the plane was taking off. Considering the fact that Tristan had redesigned the Nerv private jet to go Mach 3, they were chopping off more than a few hours of their travel time.
Rei drank a beer straight and proceeded to belch loudly as the carbonation rose from her stomach. "HELL YEAH BOSTON! WOOOO GO SPORTS TEAM!"
---
After like another hour they landed on Logan international Airport and drove off the plane in their respective automobiles but Shinji got stuck with Rei who was drunk drifting after having like 40 beers straight. It was okay because they were able to floor it to the big dig and they finally made it to Tristan's condo that was off Mass Ave. Tristan didn't really have all that fondness for Boston in reality, but a lot of his old friends still resided there, and Tristan was honestly all about being selfless.
When they got to the underground, heavily guarded garage (Jack Bauer and Associates protection agency), Shinji threw up in a trash barrel, much to Tristan's dislike. They exited the building and lo and behold, the raspy ass-note of a Subaru was heard, along with the constant BUUHH-BWAAAHHH of mid/late nineties UK Drum And Bass.
"AYO, I FELT THE PRESENCE OF JAPANESE PEOPLE HERE!" The driver yelled while pulling to the side in the black 4 door WRX. He immediately hopped out of his car and went up to Rei. "Yo baby what's up?"
"Oh that Ron!" Tristan said as he shook his head and went over to his friend. "Don't touch the goods, okay, she's delicate!"
"You know I'm just playing around!" Ron laughed and parked his car for the valet. Usually Ron didn't like valets but the chance to talk to blue haired Japanese babes was just too much for him to bother parking properly. "So where you from?" Ron asked Rei, as Tristan chatted to Asuka and Shinji. Ron was about 5'8" tall, had a ruddy complexion of a scottish and irish together. He was wearing a Boston Redsox hat backwards a screen printed polo shirt, and some expensive brand jeans. It wasn't a bad look on him all together, but Rei was less than impressed.
"The dirt." Rei replied blankly, her head shifting around lazily.
"The dirt?" Ron asked, raising up one eyebrow, confused at this answer a little bit. Usually most Japanese girls were all over him at this point. This one would prove to be a challenge, he thought to himself.
"Everyone comes from the dirt," Rei said, looking at the old architecture of the Boston skyline, not really paying any attention to Ron.
"Not me, Say, do you want to play jump rope?" Jump rope was Ron's clever codeword of getting the girls to drink lots of liquor and jumping rope so he could see their boobs bounce, then take advantage of them.
"No." Rei replied, watching the cars drive by slowly, filled with a wide variety of people she was not used to seeing. Minutes passed by, and Ron was getting a little more nervous.
"Do you want to play anything?"
"No." Rei said with a little more emphasis.
"Okay. I'm gonna go now," Ron said as he quickened his pace to meet up with Tristan, Shinji and Asuka. "It takes two to make friends, you know!"
"Great"
They continued on down the street, and Rei could be heard muttering under her breath, "Jesus christ."
---
"DIANA PLEASE!" was all that could be heard of Tristan's bathroom. Ron, his girlfriend Ayane, Tristan, Asuka, Rei, and Shinji could only look at each other awkwardly as this event was occurring. "My friend brought friends from Japan and I'm at his place and GOD!" he exclaimed. "No, there are no girls, just Ayane."
Tristan gently drank his glass of cold Sake and turned on the plasma screen. "Who wants to watch some TV?" He said, embarrassed over his friend who was talking to his girlfriend in the bathroom.
After about another 10 minutes of awkward silence, the bathroom door opened and Charles emerged from the bathroom. He was about 5'6, Irish/italian, and had the qualities of Butters from South Park in charm ability.
"Yo Kippy, there you are!" Ron said while edging closer to Rei, who was looking at a poster on the wall with great intensity. Ayane didn't seem to care because she was so impressed with Tristan's awesomely cut arms.
"MEIN GOTT, He's SO adorable when he looks all distraught!" Asuka yelled out when she finally saw Kippy. "He's just the cutest little thing ever and I want to take him home and make him wear little footie pajamas and and and and... can we keep him?" Asuka was a bit more taller than Charles, but hey, who was counting?
"Well guys, what now?" Tristan asked, slamming his glass down on the table.
"How about some nachos! And then maybe some beer?" Shinji said, hoping and praying that it was the best idea.
"I'm so glad you suggested it! I love nachos!" Tristan said and they all got up for some beer and nachos.
---
"DAMN THOSE WERE SOME DAMN FINE NACHOS!" Tristan did declare, while polishing off yet another IPA. Rei was looking kind of sick at this point but she had Ron to take care of her. Asuka sat glumly alone in her corner, sipping at an overly hoppy brew that she ordered by mistake. "What do you think of that?"
"Well I don't know, Tristan." Charles said while nervously looking at his large cellphone for any incoming messages from his girlfriend. "I do know that I sure do like your new friends!"
"Yeah me too!" Ron agreed and poured another pitcher of beer.
"TO FRIENDS! YAY!" Tristan yelled and then dumped a bunch of guacamole on top of Shinji's head because he sucked.
---
END CHAPTER 8