The Chronicles of Biggs, Chapter 5
Little Purple Riding Brenda
(The following is a story that I wrote in seventh grade English class. The assignment was to pick a fairy tale and rewrite it, taking out all the magic in it. Co-written by Jessica Krzewinski.)
You all know the story of Little Red Riding Hood, but this is the real story behind the other story. It is not as magical as Little Red Riding Hood, but it is still a much better story. So enjoy it…or else.
Brenda and her mother Barbara were in the kitchen making bacon-bit and peanut butter pie when someone knocked on the door. As Brenda went to get the door, Barbara put rum and rat poisoning in the pie: a deadly combination.
"Hello, who is it?" Brenda called.
"My name is Theodore, and I am here to make sure that your eggnog is lump-free and that your toothpaste is ripened to perfection."
So Brenda let Theodore in. He was a silly looking man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a funny straw hat. Barbara offered him some bacon bit and peanut butter pie. Little did Theodore know what was actually in the pie! -Dramatic music plays-
"Would you like thome pie?" Barbara said in her lisping voice.
"I would love some!" Theodore replied. Barbara served him a slice of the poisoned pie.
"It's delicious!" Theodore exclaimed when he took a bite. Then, all of a sudden, foam started running from his nose.
"AAAAH IT BUUURRNNSSS!" Theodore screamed.
Then blood started oozing from his eyes. His left eye fell out of it's socket, because his right eye is made of glass, due to the "rhino and b-b gun" incident.
Brenda jumped out the window screaming in terror because of what she had just seen.
"Get back here or thuffer the conthequentheth!" Barbara threathened. Brenda, still screaming ran into the forest, taking the rum with her. She looked back to see if anyone was following her, but then she ran into some shrubbery. She started screaming again because the thought the shrubbery was the decaying remains of Theodore, who was holding an octopus, who was holding a bouquet of flowers. Brenda finally passed out screaming.
Barbara, who was angry with Brenda, decided to dress up as a high-school football jock named Brad, who his friends nicknamed "The Wolf".
So Barbara, AKA Brad "The Wolf" followed Brenda into the forest, taking a pig-shaped squeaky dog-toy with her/him.
When Brenda finally regained consciousness, she was still trapped in the shrubbery. She started screaming again, and then picked up the rum and started running further into the woods; little did she know who was following her! –Dramatic music plays-
Betsy, Brenda's Grandma, who was a raging alcoholic, was waiting for Brenda to bring the rum and bacon-bit and peanut butter pie, when someone knocked on her door.
"Who art thou knocking at thy door?" Betsy called.
"It is I, Prometheus, the eleventh and three quarters," called a feminine voice.
"Come in," Betsy answered. Prometheus entered.
"I am like, sorry to say, that like, um, Theodore's like, dead, mmkay?" Prometheus said.
"You mean my Uncle Joe's cousin's second cousin's sister's aunt's grandma's brother's twice removed son?" Betsy asked.
"Uh, duh! Who else would it be you big silly goose?" Prometheus said, followed by a feminine giggle.
"Oh no! Not Theodore!" Betsy wailed.
"Uh, yeah, I like, couldn't believe it either," Prometheus said sadly.
Betsy and Prometheus mourned the death of Theodore together until they heard yet another knock on the door.
Meanwhile, Brenda was running through the woods, holding the rum in her hand, screeching "CA CAAAW!" and flapping her arms like a rabid peacock.
Betsy went to the door and called again, "Who art thou knocking at thy door?"
"Dude! It's like…Brad 'The Wolf', man!"
"Um, come in, mmkay?" said Prometheus.
The door opened and a highschool football player walked in.
"Want some rum?" Brad asked.
As soon as Betsy saw the rum, she tackled Brad and stole it.
"Haha!" Betsy exclaimed. "It's miiiine! All mine!" she said as she chugged the rum.
"Want some pie?" Brad said, holding out a pie of bacon bits and peanut butter.
"That depends, what kind of pie is it?" Betsy asked.
"Bacon bit and peanut butter."
"Chunky or smooth peanut butter?"
"Chunky," Brad answered. So Betsy ate some pie, which concealed the deadly combination of rum and rat poisoning. But Betsy, having a problem with rum and rat poisoning, was immune to the deadly combination, unlike poor Theodore, so Betsy only passed out. Brad the Wolf shoved her under the bed.
"Um, excuse me, but I don't like, think you should have like, done that because that was like, so totally un-Christian, mmkay?" Prometheus said. Brad then tied him up with raw bacon from a pig.
The door swung open suddenly and Brenda walked in.
"Ok…who are you?" Brenda demanded when she saw Brad.
"I'm Barb-Brad. Star of Prison High's football team, yo!" he answered quickly.
"I don't believe you are being entirely truthful," Brenda commented.
"That was a truly inexorable comment," said Brad, as he started to cry. As he sobbed, the glue holding on his mask melted off, causing the mask to fall of of his face, revealing his actual identity…BARBARA!
"Mom?" Brenda said, sounding confused, "You're a cross-dresser?"
"Um, no, my name ith Brad!" Barbara said. "Oh my gosh! My lithp ith back! Online thpeech therapy wath a fraud!" Barbara shrieked.
"Online speech therapy?"
"Yeth, when you ran into the woodth, I went on my computer to go to online thpeech therapy to fix my lithp, to cover up my true identity, ath Barbara: your pthycotic mother."
"Whoa," Brenda said, sounding tramatized. "You killed Theodore! Oh. My. God. How could you? He was only making sure our eggnog is lump-free and that our toothpaste is ripened to perfection!"
"He detherved it…I'm ALLERGIC TO EGGNOG!" Barbara yelled.
"What was that?" Brenda asked, as she walked over to the closet where the noise had come from. She opened it and Prometheus fell out.
"I'm like, dying, like. You, like, are the weakest link, good-bye, mmkay?" Prometheus said as he died.
Suddenly, Betsy crawled out from underneath the bed screaming.
"AAAH PROMETHEUS NOOOO WHY DID YOU HAVE TO GOOOO?" She cried as she took out a bottle of rum. She drank the rum quickly and got out a rocket-launcher, and shot Barbara.
"THAT'S FOR KILLING PROMETHEUS THE ELEVENTH AND THREE QUARTERS AND THEDORE! MY UNCLE JOE'S COUSIN'S SECOND COUSIN'S SISTER'S AUNT'S GRANDMA'S BROTHER'S TWICE REMOVED SON!" Betsy yelled as she passed out.
Brenda the got out a sharpie, and drew a moustache and glasses, and a goatee on her poor, drunk, unconscious grandmother. She then walked out the door, leaving the dead bodies of Prometheus the eleventh and three quarters, and Barbara, and the unconscious body of Betsy on the ground. Brenda was never seen or heard from again.
So you see, Brenda learned a valuable lesson. She learned never to talk to strangers, and never to eat her mother's bacon bit and peanut butter pie, even though it is quite tasty I must say…
THE END
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