Author's note: Hi, all. Sorry this is late, but I spent much of the day playing a tennis tournament in 100 degree weather. The rest of the day, I spent recovering. I hope you enjoy this next part!
Leia had just decided apologize to Han when she heard the front door close. Though she sincerely wanted to talk to him, a part of her was relieved that she had been given a reprieve. She needed time to sort out the events of the last few days, to make some decisions about what she truly wanted.
There was no doubt in her mind that her relationship with Han had changed dramatically during this trip. Though light-hearted banter and sharp insults were still a part of their interaction, their conflicts had escalated in intensity. Their emotions ran dangerously out of control these days, often exploding in angry outbursts or (more frightening) passionate encounters. Had they not been interrupted, she could have easily been consumed by that passion in the hot tub. Could she really stand such volatility in her life? Could she risk losing herself to another person?
Furthermore, she was concerned about the cruelty that she and Han had displayed toward one another. She hated herself for purposefully trying to hurt Han. The truth was that she feared the power he held over her, her weakness whenever he was near. Was he afraid as well? Is that why teased and tormented her?
The few good relationships she had witnessed in her life were always built on trust and unconditional love. Passion was certainly a crucial part of those relationships, but it was almost always channeled in a positive manner. She and Han had not quite figured out how to do that yet, alternately pulling each other closer and pushing each other away with a surprising amount of force.
Their apologies to one another had been tender and sincere, but the wounds that they had inflicted produced everlasting scars. She had endured enough emotional trauma to last a lifetime. She didn't need that from someone she cared about, and she certainly didn't want to be a shrew that carved chunks out of others in retribution.
She was sure of one thing, however—she cared deeply for Han Solo. He was a man of undeniable courage, risking his life for his friends on numerous occasions. She was quite certain that neither she nor Luke would be alive today if not for the efforts of Captain Solo.
Furthermore, he challenged her on every conceivable level, forcing her not only to think with more depth, but also to feel. She might very well have lost her humanity after the destruction of Alderaan had Han not been there for her.
She thought of those terrible days of loss, when she retreated from the world and contemplated surrender to the abyss that had opened before her. She had managed to hold everything together for the mission and the ceremony afterwards, even flashing a genuine smile when Han had the audacity to wink at her. Given time to reflect, however, victory was not a strong enough salve to heal the hole in her heart.
Slipping away from the crowd, she ran to her quarters and collapsed under the weight of her grief. The pain was so strong that she could not even cry—she simply curled up in a ball and rocked back and forth. Occasionally, she slammed her hands or head against the floor in a futile attempt to relieve the agony.
Having jimmied the lock, Han found her badly bruised form in the middle of the floor. Rushing forward in a panic, he gathered her in his arms and held her tightly. Not knowing where she was, she had tried to strike him with her fist. He caught her arm, immobilized it, and rocked her back and forth until she relaxed against him. He whispered soft words to her, comforting her with his presence and infusing her with the strength she needed to go on.
She eventually fell asleep, and Han stayed until she awoke the next morning. Greeted with her acerbic tongue, Han smiled, gently stroked her cheek with his hand, and kissed her forehead. He left without a word, and the two of them had never discussed the incident since.
She had almost convinced herself that the whole experience had been dream until she found a Corellian coin underneath her throw rug. She carried it with her from that day forward as a reminder of his kindness and her desire to live. She was always amazed that he had not brought up her moment of weakness in their epic verbal battles. It just added further proof that he was not the unfeeling mercenary he claimed to be.
He was, in fact, a good friend. Han and Luke had given her a social life, undaunted by her early refusals to spend time with them. They rescued her from a life of non-stop work, and she gradually came to love those nights of card playing or storytelling. Luke was a comforting presence in her life, but Han was the one that energized her. He never failed to make her laugh--he was, by turns, goofy, witty, and utterly charming. That twinkle in his eye and the exaggerated tales of his antics had a way of turning a horrible day into a good one. Because of his presence, she had learned to appreciate the humor and beauty of life in the middle of a brutal war. Han may have been annoying at times, but she had to admit that he had become a crucial part of her life. She just didn't seem to work well when he wasn't around.
On the other hand, he was not at all the man she expected to be with. He was a smuggler, a man who had broken the law on countless occasions. Leia had always prided herself on her integrity, on acting for the higher good. How could she give herself to a man who shared none of her values? He had stolen, cheated, and lied, all in the pursuit of the almighty credit.
Worse, he used people, seemingly without remorse. Solo had a wide-ranging reputation as a ladies' man. She had heard him bragging on numerous occasions about the women he slept with and how he left them without a word. Though she could see how this man had captivated those women, she did not want to join their unhappy sorority.
At this point, she had to ask herself, "Did the pros of Han Solo outweigh the obvious cons?" She thought about it for a moment, then chastised herself for this unfair use of some half-baked "relationship calculus." Han Solo was not a man that could be quantified in some mathematical formula or analyzed under a microscope. He was the embodiment of the uncertainty principle she learned about in physics class, yet he was always there when she needed him. Didn't that count for something, or was she just an elitist snob who would reject him for his mistakes and misfortunes?
If her natural proclivity for analysis could not help her make sense of this situation, how then could she find the answers she so desperately needed? At that moment, she remembered a mental exercise that an old family friend had taught her long ago. Finding a comfortable spot on the floor, she closed her eyes and attempted to clear her mind. Forsaking thought for feelings had never been Leia's strong suit, but after several attempts she began to break through the barriers of her conscious mind. Soon thereafter, she found herself completely attuned to her surroundings.
Stretching out with her feelings, she thought of Han Solo and his lopsided grin. At first, she saw only a black shield against the starry background of space. However, as she probed further, the shield lowered enough to reveal a complicated structure housing an incredibly bright source of light. That light seemed to beckon to her, pulling her in with a slow, but unstoppable, force.
Surrendering to this gravitational pull, she looked again at her surroundings. She saw her feelings there, pulsating with the life of this star. Her positive feelings seemed to be nourished by this energy, and she felt the dizzying power of hope, generosity and…love. Still, it worried her greatly that her negative feelings also gravitated to this presence. As she observed those feelings of hatred, jealousy and anger, however, she realized that this light would not allow them to work destructively in the shadows. Those feelings would always be illuminated and, therefore, they could be handled effectively.
Though an immense feeling of happiness washed over her, she needed to be sure that her interpretation was the correct one. Concentrating this time on finding Luke's presence, she was greeted with an open, steady, and comforting light that seemed to fill every part of space, yet none of it. Some of her feelings were drawn to that presence as well, but there was no passion, no excitement, no spark. Instead, his presence gave her a sense of balance, encouragement, and kinship. There was no doubt that he was an integral part of who she was, but it was also clear that their relationship would not amplify her life force the way her relationship with Han did. Han was the man she loved.
With that simple revelation, Leia's eyes flew open. She was a woman in love, imbued with determination and a clear sense of purpose. She knew exactly what she wanted and needed in her life. She just hoped that realization didn't come too late.