Bitterly Unrequited

Chapter 8 - Lily

Spoilers and warnings: ...oh, hell, I've spoiled and warned enough. Read the spoilers and warnings on previous chapters if you're that interested.

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of the characters, etc. No profit is made, and so on...

A determined Snape began his search for Lily and found her in her expected environment - the library. She was at a table, her head bent over a book she was intently reading. Snape stared at her, at the strand of auburn hair that had gracefully fallen into her face, at her fingers that gently drummed against the table...this could not actually be happening, could it? He forced himself into a cool composure, becoming one with that spirit of the enemy whose form he possessed. Now more than ever he must be James Potter.

He slowly approached her from behind, softly placing his hands on her graceful, sloping shoulders. He leaned down to her level and kissed her cheek, ever so sweetly and reverently. She smiled up at him, and said fondly, "Hey, sweetheart."

"Hello Lily," he breathed, internally staggering from the sheer power in her loving face.

She stared at him, an eyebrow cocked. "Something wrong?" she asked quizzically at his entranced expression.

"No," he answered quickly, regaining control. "It's just that...you look so beautiful tonight."

She blushed, looking down. He gently took her hand in the deft, muscular hands of James Potter. "Lily, would you join my for a wall around the grounds?"

"It's lovely out here," she remarked as they walked in silence near the edge of the lake. "I've never really been out here at night before."

"I have," he muttered softly.

She looked at him. "James Potter, the midnight-walking star-gazer? I never would have guessed it."

Snape smiled, even if slightly bitterly, and looked away...If only she knew...

"Lil, come with me."

"Where?"

"The forest."

She took his hand and followed him until they reached a small clearing, lit with moonlight. "I come here sometimes, when I need to think or be alone," he confessed. He knew from the look in Lily's eyes that he was helping James rise in her esteem with every moment, but he couldn't help it...he was acting too much like himself, he knew, but anything that would inspire that look in her eyes was well worth risking his cover for.

"James, why have you never mentioned it before? I mean, of course I understand wanting a place all your own...but you could have at least mentioned it..."

"I wanted to tell you, Lily...but moreover, I wanted to bring you here, to show you this...I love this place more than any other, so I couldn't help but want to bring the girl I love here..."

Lily looked away from him, her eyes glistening. He felt slightly panicked - what had he done wrong?

"James...it's...it's just the first time you've told me that you loved me..."

Severus looked at her, forcing himself not to show anger. That arrogant, pompous idiot had never told Lily that he loved her? A girl like Lily deserved someone who not only loved her, but adored her, idolized her, put her on a pedestal, someone who understood her, knew her, and loved her as Severus did...

He caressed her face. "Lily, I do love you," he said softly.

"I love you too," came her whispered reply.

He tilted her perfect face up towards him and slowly lowered upon her lovely, perfect lips. The unimaginable sensation of the bliss inspired by her kiss coursed through his body, and he felt his defenses fall to the ground.

She pulled away, looking at him as though she couldn't understand it. "You're...you're different tonight, James."

"Really?" he asked, uncomfortable. "How so?"

"It's like you've abandoned your shield of bravado...like you're no longer trying to impress anyone. You're so...so gentle, so caring...I've never seen you like this before. You seem...changed."

"And is this change a good thing?" he asked nervously.

"Definitely," she replied. She gracefully sat down on the soft grass of the clearing, beckoning Snape to join her. He did, and sat for a moment, surveying the way she seemed to glow in the moonlight.

They kissed again, their passion building as he held her in his warm arms. Slowly their kisses and caresses began to migrate, heated hands removing too warm layers of clothing. The first several buttons of her white shirt were now unbuttoned, and he was shirtless above her, her hands running along his hot, smooth back. He began to plant burning kisses along her collarbone and continued down. She leaned back, her eyes closed in a blissful state.

His soft kisses became harder and demanding as he continued, both of them consumed in their passion. This was absolute perfection for them both...she could not help but softly moaning. "James," she breathed, her voice skipping...

He pulled himself away from her instantly, the name having a profound effect on him. He claimed to love Lily, but here he was, lying to her in the most terrible fashion, essentially close to raping her - she was willing now, but were she to find out his identity, he doubted she would be so compliant. The hard truth of the matter was coming to him now – Lily was kissing James, panting for James, and moaning for James...a distinctly nauseous feeling swept over him as he realized what he was doing to her.

"Lily, I..." But he knew he could not tell her, not now. "Lily, we need to get back to the castle," he said, his voice breaking with his uneven breath.

"James, why?" she asked, looking at him, trying to fathom his reasoning. "We have plenty of time...no one will miss us, we'll be..."

"Lily, no. Just...listen to me, all right? We need to go back now..."

Lily stared at him. Then she slowly and deliberately unbuttoned the remaining buttons of her shirt, letting the white fabric fall to the ground behind her, revealing perfect breasts within the red silk bra she wore. He sat there, staring at her perfect form, knowing he must stay resolute and not do anything regrettable but wanting to do any and every regrettable thing that was coursing through his mind at the moment. She put her arms around him, pressing her round, firm breasts on his thudding chest. "I love you," she whispered in his ear. "James, I'm ready...I want to."

He caressed her back and pushed her far enough away to softly kiss her cheek. "I love you too, Lily," he replied. He picked up her shirt and gently put it back on her, buttoning it up lovingly. "I love you too much for this. You might not understand, but someday you will, Lily. I love you...so much, darling." He kissed her again softly, barely brushing her lips with his own.

He quickly put his shirt, vest, and robe back on, wanting to get away as soon as he possibly could. She too was getting redressed, and they walked back to the castle in silence. When they reached the entrance of the school, however, she turned to him, breaking their muteness. "James, I just want to thank you. I...I must have seemed like a slut or something back there..."

"Not at all," he interrupted quickly. "No, don't think that, Lily."

"I just want to thank you for being the responsible, wise one tonight. I love you, James."

The same feeling of nausea resumed at the name, but he embraced her nonetheless, hating himself for all the night's events. "I love you too, Lily."

They walked hand in hand to the Gryffindor common room, where he quickly told her that he had something to attend to before he went in and hurriedly sped off. He ran to the deserted classroom where Potter lay, bound in an enchanted sleep, still covered in blood from their earlier encounter.

Snape looked in the mirror at his ultimate enemy, the man staring at him from the mirror, and drew his wand, murmuring, "Exigo medicamentum." He instantaneously became his former, less handsome self. He darted over to the side of the unconscious James, glaring down at him. "I hate you, James Potter," he spat at the unmoving form of the other boy, "but Lily loves you. She sure as hell shouldn't, and you'll probably hurt her terribly, but she loves you..."

He again took out his wand and slowly ran it over the wounds that he had inflicted on James earlier, watching as the open sores grew back together. A quick cleaning spell got rid of the dark, dried blood that covered the boy. Soon James was as good as new, without so much as a scar to suggest that he was ever injured. Snape held his wand to James' head and began the most complex memory charm he knew, transferring his own memories into James' mind. When James awoke, he would remember the night's events as if they had happened to him, with all justification that he himself would have provided.

Snape, carrying James beneath his Invisibility Cloak, quickly took him to the Common Room, and after he was sure that no one was there, laid James' body down on a large leather couch and left.

He returned to the classroom, not bothering to light a lamp. He sat down and buried his face in his hands, sobbing. The one opportunity he had to be close to the woman he loved, the one time to be with her as he would never again be, he thwarted for his sense of honor... It was better this way, he knew, but it was no comfort. He sat, alone, wishing only for the touch of her soft, small hands once more.

A/N: Finally, an update! I know, I'm terribly unfaithful to this story.

As a small note, I know that the whole part at the end with Snape changing back into himself with a spell may have seemed quite un-canon, because I know that it is supposed to wear off after a short amount of time. However, because of the changes in the potion that Severus made in the last chapter, the potion wouldn't wear off for quite a while, so Snape had a backup spell he could use to disable it. The spell, "exigo medicamentum," is merely Latin for something along the lines of "End the potion," literally translated. Thought I'd mention that, so I didn't seem absolutely crazy and anti-canon in my use of the Polyjuice.

Anyway, hope you all enjoyed it and please review!