Bitterly Unrequited

Chapter 14 - "What Have I Done?"

A/N: All right, just for the record, this chapter has recently had a severe re-writing. So please, please read it, or the rest of the story might not make sense.

Snape sat in the Hog's Head pub a little over two years later, drinking a Firewhiskey as he brooded in the corner, staring at the Daily Prophet. There, in the corner of page eight, below the advertisement for Flourish and Blotts, was a small moving photograph. There, hand in hand, was a happy couple at their wedding, the young witch absolutely stunning in her wedding dress, the boy kissing the girl sweetly on the cheek. Below the picture was a small announcement that the wedding of James Potter and Lily (Evans) Potter had taken place a little over a week ago. Of course, he had known beforehand – as a member of the Order, in some respects, he knew. But seeing it in print finalized it completely.

"Bring me another Firewhiskey," he muttered to a passing barmaid.

She turned to him, hey eyebrow raised. "Isn't seven enough for one night?"

"Just bring it," he snarled.

She shrugged and came back a few minutes later, handing him his bottle and sitting across from him without invitation. "Broken heart?" she asked sympathetically.

"Get the hell away from me," he said, taking a large drink. The girl got up, offended, and walked away. Snape looked up and clumsily hexed her retreating form, murmuring in a slurred voice, "Annoying bitch."

He sat alone, only nineteen years old, the murderer of over ten people, a double spy, a liar, a cheat, and a lonely boy that hated the world. He reread the small announcement for the thousandth time, and his mind began to work as much as it could with the severe alcohol buzz. James, he recalled, was working with the Order tonight...

Severus apparated into the small bedroom in the cottage, lurking in the shadows. He saw Lily enter, not noticing him. She was alone, as he knew she would be...Three years ago, he had sworn he would find another chance with Lily, and he would not spoil it when that time came. Here and now, he thought hazily – this was his opportune moment.

Lily was preparing to go to bed, obviously. She began to take off her shirt, about to change into her night clothes, when Snape spoke, the words slightly slurred and dangerous. "Beautiful as ever, Lily," he said, his voice low and full of desire.

She spun around to face him, clutching her shirt to her. "Severus, what are you doing here?" He merely looked at her, lust clearly radiating from him. "Severus, don't look at me like that," she said, avoiding his eyes. "I'm a married woman now."

"Ah yes, of course," he sneered, "you're Lily Potter now, aren't you?"

She was staring at him, fear and disgust combined in her face. "You're drunk, Severus. Leave."

"Do you remember our sixth year at Hogwarts, Lily? You know, that night when you blatantly begged me to take you, then and there?" She was blushing furiously at the memory. "Of course, I was under the effects of the Polyjuice Potion that night, and yet you noticed a difference in between the real James and I. A difference in the way we talked, touched, and kissed...and you preferred my way. Do you remember? Of course, that was only a few heated teenage kisses then. But you've grown up, Lily, and so have I." He was approaching her like a predator stalking its prey, dangerous as never before, a mad gleam in his black eyes. "Let's see, Lily, if you prefer the more adult me as well?"

She was slowly stepping backwards, her eyes full of fear and something he couldn't quite identify. He sneered at her, laughing cruelly and drunkenly. "We'll see," he said, and with that he grabbed her wrists painfully and shoved her up against the wall. He pressed his mouth to her's, hard, his tongue invading her mouth angrily. He pulled away, panting bitterly, "Does James kiss you like that, Lily?"

She pushed him away, turning away quickly. "Leave, Severus, please."

He smirked at her, grabbing her by the waist and holding her close to him. "But you don't really want me to go, do you?" he asked, his lips at her neck.

She swallowed hard, trying to pull away from him iron-firm grip. "Let me go, Snape," she said softly, not looking at him. "When James comes home..."

"James isn't coming home tonight, he's out playing Dumbledore's lapdog," he replied instantly. "Stop trying to lie your way out of it."

"Don't do this, please...I love him, Severus." Her eyes were pleading, and he pushed her away.

He looked at her coldly. "And I love you, Lily," he whispered. "But you hurt me...you might as well have killed me. It's only fair that I should return the favor."

A single tear made its way down her face. "I never meant to hurt you, Severus."

"But you did," he replied, his face stony and cold.

He awoke the next morning, his head throbbing painfully, wondering vaguely where exactly he was. He looked over to the other side of the bed and saw Lily, who was awake, crying softly. He frantically attempted to remember what exactly he had done to her the night before, but all the details seemed to be missing...not that it mattered: he could tell exactly what happened just seeing Lily sobbing beside him in bed, completely naked except for the sheet she clung to herself. He felt the nauseous sensation of purest self-loathing flood him as he quickly stumbled off the bed, throwing his robes on as he stared at her in horror. "Oh...oh my god, Lily...what have I done?" he choked out quietly before Apparating away despite her protests, tears stinging his own face as he felt an overwhelming guilt like nothing he had ever experienced in his life.