Bitterly Unrequited

Chapter 16 - Trust Me, Severus

A/N: Well, here we are to this chapter, this crucial chapter. I wrote this section of the story about six months ago, before I started this story – it inspired me to write this. So, I'm happy to present it to you. Enjoy and review.

Dumbledore entered his office, only to see that he was not alone. "Ah, Mr. Snape," he said softly. "To what do I own this particular pleasure?"

Snape turned to face the headmaster, who quickly took in the shrunken, starved frame and the black circles beneath the yong man's eyes, "Please, Professor Dumbledore," he whispered, his voice hoarse, "please kill me."

Dumbledore was surveying him calmly. "I do not by any means wish to do that, Severus."

"You don't know what I've done," he replied, a maniacal gleam entering his dark eyes.

"Oh, I'm quite aware of a surprising amount of it. I know that you murdered your own father, who was a Muggle, in order to prove yourself to Lord Voldemort as well as to feed your own need for vengeance. I know that you had shed another's blood before you turned sixteen years old. I know that you have served your master faithfully, even when you were 'spying on him' for me. I know that you are to be blamed for the death of Edgar Bones, Benjy Fenwick, and countless other members of the Order of the Phoenix."

"You don't understand," he interrupted, desperate to reveal all to the headmaster. "You don't understand. I killed them, and now they're getting their revenge."

Dumbledore stared at him, looking disconcerted for the first time that evening. "What do you mean, Severus?"

"They're here," he replied simply. "They can't be ghosts, because anyone can see a ghost...not just one person. They're just...always here." He shuddered, staring at an empty spot before the fireplace. "She's always there," he said quietly. He stroked the air gently. "But shh...you'll wake her. She's sleeping, you see."

"Who is she, Severus?" Dumbledore asked, forcing a calm, conversational tone.

"Her name is Lydia McKinnon," he said softly, not tearing his eyes away from the spot. Dumbledore gasped...he had known that the McKinnons were dead, but..."She's only seven, you know. She saw Malfoy kill her parents, but Lucius was in a hurry and told me to finish the little girl. Watching her parents die put her in a state of shock, I suppose – she didn't understand what was happening. She thought I was her father...she ran and hugged me and asked me what happened. I told her that everything was all right, that she should go to sleep. I carried her to her bed, and she went to sleep almost instantly. And then I...I killed her."

"Severus," said Dumbledore softly as Snape continued to caress the memory of the dead child, "how long has it been since you've eaten or slept?"

"Two and a half weeks," he said, still gazing fondly at the invisible girl. "She had red hair, you know. Pretty auburn curls. Just like Lily."

Dumbledore stared at him. "Lily...Severus, did you..."

"Yes," he said simply, looking up at the headmaster. "I overheard the prophecy that imbecile Trelawney made...or part of it, anyway. I took the information to the Dark Lord. I...I didn't think about it, Dumbledore – I've refrained from thinking for the past five years. It makes the life of a killer easier. I...I didn't realize that it was talking about Lily's child...I never would have let him harm Lily's child...and her child isn't harmed, of course." He was staring at an empty space by the door. "But she's dead, Dumbledore – Lily's dead, and it's completely my fault."

A tear was streaming down his drawn, sleep-deprived face. "I loved her," he whispered, "I loved her and she's gone. Everyone leaves. She never loved me...she gave the feelings that should have been mine to that insufferable prat, Potter. She betrayed me...I wasn't good enough for her. I tried to make her love me. I tried to force her – I did force her, but even then she didn't love me. James Potter would never love her the way I loved her...but she refused to see it. She pitied me and feared me...but she never loved me."

"Severus, did you rape Lily Evans?"

A terrible look consumed his face, a mixture between a triumphant grin and a grimace. "No," he replied, "I raped Lily Potter.

"It was nearly two years ago. Lily, of course, never told anyone, for her own sake, I suppose. But I wanted to make her pay; she hurt me more than anyone, so it was only fair. She had been married for a few weeks and I was drunk beyond belief...

"A month later, everyone was discussing it...Lily Potter was pregnant. I prayed, Dumbledore – every night I prayed that it was mine. If she had my child, she would have to love me, wouldn't she? For her child's sake, if not for her own...

"But the boy was born, and his father was obvious at a glance. Potter had triumphed again. I went numb after that, more numb that I was beforehand. I reported the prophecy to the Dark Lord as soon as I heard it...my God, Dumbledore, if I had known...if...I could never leave the Dark Lord, Professor...he promised me that if I served him well, he would spare Lily. I had no choice. I wanted to leave him, but I had to stay for Lily's sake."

Snape looked off, still and silent. "They are going to lock me in Azkaban now, aren't they? It doesn't matter. But...Professor, will you do me a small favor?"

Dumbledore nodded slightly, staring at the pitiful man before him.

"When they take me...ask them to let the Dementors have me. Please, I would much rather it be over than endure Azkaban..."

"No," he interrupted finally, placing his hands gently on Snape's shoulders and making him turn to look him in the eyes. "Severus, trust me. I will take care of this if I can – I will do all I can to keep you out of Azkaban."

Snape was staring at him, uncomprehending. "But why would you?" he asked blankly. "Have you not heard all that I told you? I don't deserve another living moment. Death seems almost too good for me now. I don't deserve..."

"Stay here at Hogwarts, Severus," he said. "Stay here for a while, and I will protect you. Trust me, Severus."