Disclaimer: I don't own yu Yu Hakusho, nor do I own the definiton below. That came from Encarta, via Microsoft Word.

Warning: H/B and minor spoilers for the beginning of the Three Kings arc

Other: Short story (1000 words); this is a kinda-sorta sequel to a bunch of the previous oneshots, but it takes place several months after Kiss. This is Botan's PoV on the whole thing; you'll get Hiei's view later. ;)

Everything to Lose

Confession: open acknowledgement of feelings; a profession of emotions or beliefs such as love, loyalty, or faith

She couldn't do it. No way, never, nuh-uh.

She bit her bottom lip, staring at the blank page.

Does it count if I rip it up and throw it away afterwards?

She could start it any way she wanted. There were only two choices, though.

She chickened out.

I fought off three scary demons with no backup whatsoever, but I can't write a simple note?

"Dear Diary," she paused, scratched above her eyebrow with the eraser of her pencil, and continued on.

"I'm doing this because I have to get it out. I can't tell someone— they'd just laugh at me. So, I'm writing it here."

Words strung together with an intent behind them; a hidden agenda. Words written out on unfeeling paper that can't judge me.

"I kinda wish that he would read it, but I don't. I guess that's weird. Keiko says that it's natural, but I don't think so. See, if I were in love with him..."

Pretty word, pretty sound, but no meaning, no worth. Nothing but thin air, like what I fly through, but not. Somehow, it's less, but I know that it should be more.

"...then that would be understandable. But I'm not. I think. Maybe. Probably. Most likely. Definitely! Yeah, I'm not in love with him. I'm just...addicted to him. Like, he's a drug or something; I'm happier when he's around. But that's not love, right? Love is when..."

Empty. Love is when there's nothing left and you're still trying to give more. Love is bailing water out of a sinking ship, only for some strange reason you feel good about doing it. That's what Love is.

"...you see someone and suddenly they're spotlighted and there's a chorus in the background and suddenly you know that they're the One. That's what Love is, right?"

Seems kinda silly if you ask me. But then again, nobody asks me. After all, why should they?

"So, no, I'm not in love with him. I'm just addicted. I mean, it's not like we've been on a...date..." Botan wrote slowly as she spoke, her fingers freezing on the last word.

It was just a dance. I doubt he still remembers it, even. Not that I'll ever forget. But just because I won't move on doesn't mean that he can't.

"But that wasn't really a date. It was just a dance. Besides, we didn't even dance, we just hung out on a balcony and talked. I think."

How much did I drink that night? Not much, I don't think. If something had happened, I would know, right? Right?

"That wasn't really a date. And now he's not a part of the team, and I see him less and less. He hardly visits anymore! Maybe I'm suffering from withdrawal. If so, I hope he kills someone soon so that I can visit him." A short pause, and then a horrified gasp.

Did I just write that? That's awful. How could I? I don't wish for that! I don't want people to die just so that I can see him.

She scratched that part out. "I'm acting weird, I'll bet I am suffering from withdrawal. I wonder I that's possible? I'd ask Koenma, except that he's been acting kinda funny too. He's getting these weird looks lately. It's unnerving."

Jealousy. Hopelessness. His face is reflecting my heart, only he doesn't know it. Poor Koenma; hopefully Ayame will take care of him.

"Before he left, Hiei was acting odd too. He was agreeing with me and stuff like that. It was...nice. But Hiei's not nice, so it was weird. Then again, everything about Hiei is weird."

His hair sticks straight up, and his eyes are ruby red. He's got a third eye, too, and a black dragon. He's a hybrid and a demon and he's one of the best fighters I've ever seen. He cares about his sister and his wings are grey. Hiei is a walking contradiction. And he's a good kisser too.

"I wish I could understand him. Maybe someday we'll reach an agreement, and then I won't suffer from withdrawal. That'll be nice; I can't wait for that to happen. Until then, I guess I'll just have to cope.

"Oh, and today Koenma said that Kurama was seen in the Demon World. Didn't he have some kind of plan to go there? I know that Yusuke and Hiei did. I hope that all of them are safe and in one piece."

Hope. What a wonderful, awful little thing. Promises with one hand and keeps walking a step away with one foot. I wish that I knew what's going on, but I don't.

Glancing at the clock, she decided to end the entry. "I think that this is enough for one page. I just wish that I had the guts to say it all out loud, where someone could hear me.

"Signed, Botan."

She sat in the old warehouse, one that had been abandoned for several months now. In front of her was a spiral notebook. The front cover boasted a stylized fire symbol, with an oar cutting through it like an arrow through a heart. The fire was gold and the oar was white, while the background was a deep forest green. Truly it was a beautiful piece of art.

In her hand was a lighter; she coaxed a tiny flame out of it, then turned back to the book. Flipping it open, she proceeded to rip out the first few sheets, the ones written on.

Holding the first in front of her, she brought the flame to it and watched as the orange flicker turned the white sheet black. When it was no more than ash, she blew it out of her hand and picked up the next sheet.

I can't keep it. Right now, I have everything to lose.

It's not worth it. Not yet.

Because I'm still not sure.