Warnings: Some weird stuff going on, self mutilation, some angsty stuff, that's about it.
Pairing: Gaara/Naru
Summery: "We are the same, we need each other to survive." "I thought you didn't need anyone." "I didn't, until I met you."
Genre: Angst, Romance
Rating: PG 13 for self mutilation and some inappropriate stuff.
""-speech
''-thoughts
Italics-are kind of like another voice in Naruto's head, like a conscience, sort of.
Naruto remembered scornful faces, harsh whispers and sharp glares as he slept. He remembered kunai piercing his body, he remembered screaming, and then he remembered crying.
He always felt alone and cold as he relived his nightmare, his body refusing to wake up, punishing his with old memories meant to be forgotten, judging him because of the sins he never committed.
He remembered crying.
Pale green eyes snapped open, narrowing in both confusion and rage, something was amiss, he could feel it deep inside his gut. Black lined eyes looked out the window, there was no moon tonight and the stars provided little light on their own. Gaara slowly got up from his medative position. Something was not right, and he would find out why.
Deep inside his living nightmare, Naruto whimpered.
Mere hours later bright sunlight forced Naruto to pry his eyes open. He stared at the ceiling, blinking lazily. No missions today, nothing to do, no ramen to eat, no will to go out and buy ramen. No nothing.
'God I have a pathetic life.' Naruto huffed silently, not bothering to roll out of bed, there was no point, and, not for the first time in his life, Naruto wished he had more of a reason to live than just becoming Hokage to prove his worth. But he had people he needed to be strong for, his precious people. Iruka needed his smile and presence, constantly there assuring him that everything would be alright, Sasuke needed to be reminded he was a mortal, not some sort of God, he needed to be there for everyone, constantly smiling and energetic, wiping away their shadowy fears with the bright hue of his smile. Sometimes, he didn't want to smile anymore, he wanted to be the one who cried and screamed and was comforted and told that everything was all right. Sometimes he just wanted to go to sleep and never wake up.
His eyes slowly traveled form the ceiling, down to his bedside table; a stray kunai was resting upon its slightly dusty surface.
'I wonder…' I wish… 'If for just a moment,' That for eternity, 'I could do something,' I could be someone, 'no one thought I could do.' no one thought I was.
Naruto lazily lifted his arm and grasped the knife, it felt cold and uncomfortable against his hand.
Naruto had always prided himself on having a spectacularly optimistic outlook on life, but now, optimism was turning to pessimism.
Even with the Kyuubi's chakra, could he ever really become Hokage, and even if he did, what was the chance that the villagers who hated him since before he could even crawl would accept him as their leader? Slim to none.
'It's not like I could to anything anyways, the fox's chakra would heal any wound before I bleed too much.' Naruto's eyes dulled a little before snapping open, throwing the kunai away from himself, watching with an odd fascination as it clattered to the floor.
'I can't be thinking like this! I will become Hokage! I will be respected! I will live through anything anyone tries to put me through!' But despite his inner reasoning, Naruto could not pull his eyes away from the kunai.
'I cannot be thinking about stuff like this!' But so many people do it… 'It's wrong, and stupid, with no point at all.' Except show that my inner pain is far worse than people believe. 'What would people think about me?' What have they thought of me for the past thirteen years? 'I can't.' "I won't."
But he was already out of bed, slowly making his way towards the sharpened metal on his floor.
'Kyuubi's chakra will heal me.' No one has to know about it. 'I just need some… Release.' They'll never know what hides behind you're smile.
Naruto took hold of the kunai once more, cradling it close to his chest, eyes glazed over, a frown tugging at the corner of his mouth.
'They never have to know.' They wouldn't worry anyways. 'The kunai will pierce my flesh, just like they want it too.' But they won't know, your secret's safe. 'They won't know.' Naruto held the kunai to his wrist, eyes blinking slowly, his face emotionless.
They wouldn't care.
The first cut was shallow, hardly a scrape, and it healed within thirty seconds.
The next was more daring, deeper, drawing out more blood and healing less quickly, but still far to fast.
The next was a true cut, blood spilt forth quickly and Naruto was hypnotized by the sight of the deep red liquid flowing across his tanned skin. His flesh tingled as it healed itself, and Naruto cleaned the kunai off on his bed sheets.
He was fine, for now, no scar was left from the cuts he had made, no proof except for the blood staining his sleeve and his sheets.
Gaara clenched his fists, the only outward sign of his frustration, but it was enough to catch Temari's attention.
"Gaara?" He didn't respond to her, the redhead only turned and walked away. Temari followed after him relentlessly, a frown tugging at her lips. "Gaara, what's wrong?"
He didn't stop, he didn't answer her question, but at least he told her where he was going.
Konohagakure.
They didn't notice a thing, nothing seemed off to them. He was still his loud, happy self, he was still the Uzumaki Naruto they knew and felt mixed emotions for. They didn't know.
'They'll never know.' Naruto grinned happily, never had he thought that doing something so… So cowardly and stupid would make him feel so much better. It was like with each drop if blood he shed, the anger and pain went away.
He was bleeding out the bad. It was a perfect explanation. And as Naruto walked into his room his eyes locked on the kunai on his bedside table again.
Bleed out the poison in your veins.
Every cut was precise. They were deep and narrow, spilling blood all over his hands and arm. Every cut healed, only to be opened again and again by the sharp edge of his kunai.
Bleed out the hate the runs through your body.
When he was finally finished Naruto laid down on the floor, breathing heavily. 'I should clean up all of this blood, I can't have anyone see it.' And so, weak from his blood loss, Naruto slowly rose from the floor and making his way to a small storage closet that held his cleaning supplies.
Bleed it all out…
The next day they had one lousy mission, a D-Rank one at that. But for once Naruto couldn't seem to loudly protest, it would take far too much energy.
Kyuubi's chakra may be able to heal him quickly, but producing more blood cells was a different story. He didn't notice the worried looks shot at him by Kakashi, Sasuke and Sakura, he went on with the day, sure that no one would figure out his little secret.
What he didn't know was that Sabaku no Gaara was on his way to the leaf village right now, and mere minutes away from entering the main gateway.
He got home and made his way to his room, he actually felt a lot better, other than feeling fairly weak. It was working, he could hardly believe it, but it was working.
Naruto sat on his recently washed bed, leaning back on his pillows and studying the ceiling, the fingers itching to grasp the kunai in its regular spot beside him.
'But I feel fine, and I should probably rest a bit.' You aren't fine, you're never fine. Bleed it out, bleed it out... 'No, I should quit while I'm ahead. I don't need to bleed anymore.'
But still, his hand, seemingly of it own violation, or maybe of habit, reached out and gripped the kunai, he ran the edge lightly over his fingertips, the sting of his flesh breaking apart not bothering him as he watched the beads of blood run down his fingertips.
'Maybe just once, and I'll try not to stain anything, I don't want to do anymore laundry.' A shadow of a smile crossed over his lips as he pulled up his sleeve, carefully leaning on the edge of the bed.
He pressed the sharp, glinting metal against his soft tanned flesh and slowly began dragging the kunai across his wrist. 'Bleed it all out.'
"What are you doing?" Naruto's head snapped up, bright blue clashing with pale green. He felt frozen, pinned under that dark gaze, he couldn't even remove the kunai from his flesh.
"I asked you a question." Gaara moved forward, frowning angrily as he took hold of Naruto bleeding arm, kneeling down to inspect the wound. Naruto just stared before going limp, the kunai dropping on the floor, the hand that was holding it falling to his side.
"Naruto." Gaara practically growled his name out and Naruto gulped before whispering out his answer. "I was bleeding it out."
Gaara glared up at him before looking at the bloody appendage before him, the wound was almost completely healed. 'You idiot, what do you think you're doing.' Gaara leaned forward and began lapping up the blood, ignoring how Naruto tensed up in shock as the metallic liquid coated his tongue.
Once all of the crimson liquid was gone Gaara allowed himself to look up into Naruto wide eyes and a grim frown tugged at his lips.
"What kind of idiot are you?" That seemed to snap Naruto out of his shock and the blonde quickly tore his arm out of Gaara's grip and retorted. "I'm not an idiot!"
Gaara rose from the ground, towering over Naruto with his arms crossed.
"If you are not an idiot, why were you hurting yourself?" "I… I just want to… I just…" Tears began pooling in Naruto's eyes and Gaara felt a stab of guilt in his chest.
"It's going to be okay Naruto." He said while he awkwardly leaned down to hug the blonde. Naruto wanted to say something like: How would you know, or, you don't know what I'm going through. But Gaara knew, he had gone through and survived far worse, but Gaara was a lot stronger emotionally than Naruto could ever hope to be.
Naruto leaned into the embrace, wrapping his own arms around Gaara's neck, letting tears run down his face one by one.
They stayed like that for an awkward couple of minutes, neither knowing what to say or do next. It was Gaara he broke the contact, opting to sit beside Naruto on the bed and ask.
"How long have you been doing this?" "Not long, I just started a few days ago. I just woke up feeling really bad one day, and, well, I just felt like-" "Mutilating yourself." "No! I just wanted to show that my emotional pain is more than anyone can ever realize!"
Naruto huffed and began turning away but Gaara caught and held his face between his hands.
"That doesn't justify what you were doing." "How do you know! You don't know what I go through! People are afraid of you, they probably wouldn't dare say anything mean to your face, I have to go through those harsh words and glares everyday when I'm awake and every night in my dreams. You can't possibly understand!"
Gaara felt a bittersweet smile cross over his face. "I can't understand, can I?" He leaned in close, inches away from Naruto's face. "I am like you Naruto, you know that I can understand." Naruto avoided his gaze. "I guess, but you know that we're treated differently, I just, I always feel so alone."
Naruto looked so downcast that Gaara had to refuse the urge to wrap his arms around the younger boy again, and instead opted to speak up.
"We are the same, we need each other to survive." Naruto looked up at him curiously. "I thought you didn't need anyone." Gaara took a deep breath. "I didn't, until I met you." And he swooped down for a kiss.
Naruto eyes widened in shocked and he opened his mouth to protest, ignorant to the fact that if one opens their mouth when kissing it is so easy for the other person to slide his or her tongue into their mouth to explore.
Which is exactly what Gaara did, allowing Naruto to taste his own blood, a rather disturbing thing for the blonde.
Gaara frowned, Naruto not having been as reactive as he thought he would be, so he pulled away, eyes roaming over Naruto's face, taking in the expression of sheer shock.
"What? Did you really not notice how much I care for you?" He asked dryly and Naruto shook his head, his mouth forming a small 'o'.
"Well, now you know." And he sealed their lips in a kiss once more.
Thoughts were running though Naruto's head, appearing a disappearing in lightening quick flashes, but the same thoughts kept appearing. 'Does he love me?' Does he? 'I care for him, do I love him too?' Does it matter, if he loves you, he loves you. 'Someone loves me?' Someone loves you.
Naruto began kissing back, his arms wrapping tightly around Gaara's form.
'Love me Gaara, kiss away everything but my love. Heal me…' Save me…
Gaara held Naruto closer, his eyes closing in bliss.
'We are the same Naruto, if we love each other we will survive.'