Quis Non Fleret

Who wouldn't cry

I love my Love and he loves not me
I love my Love and my heart is breaking

Sweet it is to love and be loved
Ah; sweet knowledge beyond my knowing!
- Christina Rossetti

"I love you, Iolaus, by the Gods, I love you so much
"Jason, don't…"
He turned and faced me, grabbing my arms.
"You know I can't love you like that. I love you, you're my best friend and you can have me, but my heart is with Hercules
My eyes filled with tears, blurring my vision. I knew I was losing him. Graduation and my coronation were nearing evermore and he was planning to leave with Herc while I'd stay behind to rule Corinth. He was gonna take himself away from me. I couldn't believe I'd never be able to hold him in my arms again.
Iolaus reached out and softly caressed my cheek, wiping away the tears with a gentleness that hurt.
"Please, Jase, don't cry. You knew, you knew. I…I told you I couldn't love you the way you wanted me to. I never promised anything. Someday, my prince, someday you'll find someone who'll love you as much as I love Herc, but it's not me. You're great, Jason and you deserve all the best in the world. I never wanted to hurt you, you mean too much to me."

I looked at his lovely face through a mist of tears. I had to ask, I needed to know.
" Why? Why devote your life and love to someone who doesn't return those feelings?
Iolaus sighed and I could see the pain etched vividly on his face.
"I know he doesn't love me, Jason, at least not that way. But I do. He saved me, changed me. My heart, soul and life belong to him. I won't ask for his love, I'm glad enough to have his friendship but I need to be at his side; without him, I have nothing to live for."

And then, only then I realised how much his pain was like mine. And it felt as if someone had pierced me with a blade when I understood his agony. Both of us in love with someone beyond our reach. I, in love with him as he was leaving me, crying 'cause he wouldn't stay. And Iolaus, knowing what torturous road lazy before him, following his heart as always.
We looked at eachother. I reached out and let my fingers weave their way through his curls.
"Aren't we pathetic?"
He started to laugh, but at the same time he wept. He hid his face in my vest and wept, so hard, it tore the remainders of my heart to tatters. I wrapped my arms around him and wept along.

There we stood, in the middle of the room, hanging on, knowing the pain that lay ahead. Both so lost and lonely and so in love.

"I don't want to lose you, Iolaus…"
I whispered the words, the well-worn mantra, prayer, spell, binding… He looked up and lay his hand against my cheek.
"You never really had me, Jase."
He sounded so tender and tired.
"I know."
Because in the end, it boiled down to that. I may have had his body for a while but I never, ever had HIM. Never laid a finger on his heart, never had the essence of him wrapped around me. Those things were reserved for Hercules only, if he would chose to accept them.

"I will always love you, Iolaus. I need you to know that."
And for one last, I bared my heart and soul to him. My broken heart and gutted soul so he would know forever and always and eternity that even with others, lovers or wives, it would always be him. The first, the deepest, the truest love, the harshest wound. Forever.

They were no drops I could dry
Ev'ry bright tear hat did roll,
was a keen pain to my soul.
-W. Barnes.

It's done, it's over, Iolaus is forever lost to me now. He finally got his dearest wish, his heart's desire. He got Hercules.
And here I stand. Alone. Missing him. Missing him so much I feel like crawling into the earth to sleep a couple of millennia.
There is nothing I wouldn't do to get him back, to keep him with me, forever. But I can't have him, he's not mine to have.
He's happy now, I know that, happier than I could ever make him and that's all that matters. I hope Hercules will take good care of him. If he doesn't, I'll kill him. He's a good and dear friend, but if he harms Iolaus in any way, I will tear his heart out.

For now, I still know Iolaus better than Herc does. He opened up a little to me. I know some of the scars on his soul. Quick learner, I healed one or two and knew how to avoid most of them. I do know what makes them sting and bleed and I learned how to take away the most acute pain. I taught myself a few ways to soothe his scars. It took me great pains to figure all of him out and I only hope Herc will have the same patience. But I believe he will. I see true love and devotion in his eyes. He loves our hunter, deeply.

But I don't know where to go from here. Some dumb part of me always kept the hope alive that somehow, someday, I'd be able to make him love me. I hoped I could make him forget Hercules and capture his heart.
I believe it is called a royal mistake.

Art thou afraid the adorer's prayer
Be overheard? That fear resign
He waves the incense with such care
It leaves no stain upon the shrine.
- W.S. Landor

There is nothing in the world I would love more than to take you in my arms and hold you for the rest of my life. I want to keep you close to me forever and eternity. But I can't. I can't taste your kisses again. You're not mine anymore, you're his now. I have no right to be angry. I always knew I was gonna lose you eventually. You were destined to make me love you. Or more correctly, I was destined to fall in love with you.
From the first time I laid eyes on you, that little blond guy standing next to my buddy, I knew you were gonna break my heart.
Cheiron had told us Hercules was gonna bring in a new cadet and I was curious to meet you after all the stories he told me about your childhood friendship. And then, in you walked and my knees turned to broth. I knew I was lost. You were so beautiful and vulnerable, so small standing next to Herc. That cocky grin on your face never could hide your fears from me. I fell in love and in lust with you right there and then. Stupid! You were then, as you'll always be, devoted heart and soul to Hercules.

But there you stood and the myriad of emotions playing in your eyes, proved to me in one second you were not just a common thief. Although the fact that Hercules was your friend was proof enough. He always was a sucker for lost causes, but that's not what I'd call you. You were just misguided.
I never believed in love at first sight until I met you, Iolaus. Man, Cupid had it in for me that day. Yet I thank him that he did not turn your heart away from me, well at least not the tiny part of your heart Hercules had not yet captured.
You loved me, in your own way you loved me. Your heart and soul always were beyond my grasp but your body was mine. Although it was Herc you yearned for, you gave yourself to me.
By the Gods! My love for you must've been pretty obvious considering how quickly you shared my bed. Guess I wasn't that discreet after all, but how could I be? I wanted you too badly to be patient. I knew you wouldn't refuse me.

We were good together. The sex was great and we were a nice couple, we fitted. Gods! I'll never get over you! I don't want to get over you. Having you, loving you was one of the best things that ever happened in my life and now you've taken yourself away from me.
But you are happy now, with him. Now that someone finally hit him with the cluestick! It took him a while though. I guess 'dense' is one way of describing it. I mean, you almost had to go nuts with pain before his dinar dropped. But he loves you you know, I know.

I thought I had my greatest pain when father died. I was wrong. If I had known this in advance, I never would've allowed you to get a hold of my heart. No one ever told me that love was like this. Well, father always said your first love is the most beautiful and that it will hurt the most but I never believed him. Guess he showed me huh?
I can't even blame you for my pain, Iolaus. You always said you could never love me the way I wanted you to. It scared you, didn't it, my overwhelming need for you? From time to time, I'd look up and find you staring at me with pity in your eyes. You knew I was gonna feel pain similar to yours. Your pain, your love, your longing for Hercules. By the Gods! It's so stupid!

You are so beautiful. I can't believe you're gone, I can't believe I'll have to go on without you. It's so hard to see you in his arms, to see such rapture in your smile, the way it never was when we were together. But on the other hand, it's good to see that the sadness has left your face, the arrowpoints of grief vanished form your eyes. It's good to see you happy and full of joy. You bubble with laughter and life and love. Whenever Herc looks at you or simply walks into the room, your face lights up with a radiance, a warmth that could melt the eternal snow on Mount Parnassos.
Yeah, I'm jealous. I just miss you, too much.

Epilogue

Many years later

If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it's yours.
If it doesn't, it never was.

Jason observed his two dearest friends. Iolaus was volubly recounting one of their adventures to Alcmene while Hercules watched him smilingly, from time to time interjecting a word to keep the hunter's rampant imagination on track. On which, Iolaus would laugh and slightly correct his story. It was easy to read the immense tenderness in Hercules' eyes all the while he looked at Iolaus. Heir love was so clear, so obvious, so…overwhelming. Jason was glad that the years had deepened their love for eachother to a level not many men could attain.
Back at the academy, when he had fallen so hard for Iolaus' raw beauty and ebullience, Jason had tried to win the hunter's heart. Iolaus had shared his bed quickly enough but his heart was destined for Hercules only.

Now, after all those years, Jason still felt the strange power Iolaus held over him. He loved Alcmene to bits but he also knew that if Iolaus would ever offer, he'd accept, without hesitation.

Alcmene's bright laughter made him look up. Iolaus had finished his story, beaming with delight at the welcome it received. When he sat down, Hercules' arm automatically encircled his shoulders, pulling him close.

Jason slightly parted the curtains and looked at the two men in the living room. Hercules was clearing away the rests of the meal while Iolaus prepared the fire for the night. Candlelight bathed the room in a soft ethereal glow as if the men moved through a gossamer mist.
When Hercules had stashed the last dish, he approached his lover and wrapped his arms around him. He trailed kisses along Iolaus' jaw until he encountered the his lips. He covered Iolaus' soft mouth with his own and they kissed with so much feeling, it took Jason's breath away. Hercules' honeybrown hair mingled with Iolaus' golden curls.
The former king felt a tug of regret when he remembered what it felt like to hold Iolaus, to taste his kisses and to feel the soft heat of that compact body. It had taken him a very long time to get over the hunter and, honestly, he never completely managed it. A part of his soul would always belong to Iolaus.

Hercules' hands slid sensually over Iolaus' back. The lovers broke off their kiss and, after extinguishing the candles, retreated to their room. Hercules' arm remained possessively slung around his lover's shoulders. When the curtain slid close behind them, Jason sighed.
Although his heart didn't yearn and bleed for Iolaus anymore, he would always love that man with the indomitable will and passion for life. He had fought and battled to gain access to the hunter's heart. He had offered the young man everything he possessed. He even would've given up his crown if it meant Iolaus would've loved him, but nothing had worked. Iolaus had willingly given his body to him but not –never- his heart. Jason flinched and almost moaned when he felt an echo of that old familiar pain, his soul contracting around the heavy scar tissue.
Iolaus.

"Jason come to bed, dear."
Alcmene's soft voice broke through the dark memories. He turned to look at his wife and smiled. The pale moonlight illuminated her face, softening her features. She was beautiful. He loved her and she did love him back. He slid into the bed next to her and let her sweet embraces ease the pain. He really did love her.
Didn't he?