Supers, Conspiracies, and Coyotes
Disclaimer: Same as before…
"I told you that if you're a beginner you don't have to stay on the route." Ted began, as he and Paige sat in the cab of his truck. He was talking about the colored tape that marked the route on the wall of the climbing gym.
Paige stretched a sore and tired arm, "How do you call that fun?" Paige groaned.
"Easy, when I see I've conquered a route I thought was impossible." Ted replied.
"And some of those holds are miniature..." Paige began.
"That's what hangboards are for." Ted replied. At her quizzical expression, Ted added, "They're basically like pull up bars but focus more on building muscles in your hands and fingers as opposed to your lats."
"Either way, this was at least a date I couldn't call boring." Paige commented.
"Glad to hear it." Ted replied, massaging her sore arm.
"But next time we're doing something that's actually relaxing." Paige replied, leaning her head on his shoulder, "Not one where I'm hanging on for dear life..."
"I had you safely tethered to me..." Ted replied.
"By a chunk of clothesline." Paige replied.
"Actually dynamic rope is a good deal sturdier than clothesline." Ted replied, "It can hold someone as heavy as the Blob without breaking."
"I wouldn't go that far and..." Paige began as Ted pulled into Paige's driveway, "What on earth? Oh great, the Pirates are on the loose again, and Shipwreck is probably in the neighborhood."
Indeed, the Pirates were wandering up and down the lawn, with Jack Sparrow in the lead. All of them were waving bottles of rum around. Standing in front of them was a very annoyed woman in her late thirties or early forties, with a slim and athletic frame as well as short, tousled brown hair. Presumably she'd been woken up from sleeping.
Ted stopped the truck and he and Paige headed for the scene, as Ted's mobile phone went off. "Yes, Roadblock, I think I know what you're talking about?"
"You know about Shipwreck and the Pirates on a bender in San Francisco?" Roadblock asked.
"I'm kind of witnessing the after effects." Ted replied.
"…Not to mention Shipwreck." Paige replied.
"What are you maniacs doing?" the brown haired woman asked Shipwreck.
"Excuse me missy, may I ask who you are?" Shipwreck asked.
"ARRRHHH HAR HAR HAR!" The Pirates and Shipwreck all shouted like maniacs.
"My name's Helen Parr, and you just woke up…"
"PARRRR HA HA HA HARRRR!" The Pirates all chanted crazily, as loudly as they could yell.
"Listen, it's obvious you guys are drunk and have just come back from the bar…" Helen began.
"BARRRR HAR HA HAR!" Shipwreck and the Pirates all shouted loudly enough to wake the neighborhood. Meanwhile Jack Sparrow dropped his empty bottle onto the hood of Bob's car.
"I hope you guys didn't dent the car." Helen remarked. Damn.
"CARRRR! HA HA HA HAR!" the Pirates all laughed and shouted insanely.
"Honey!" Bob shouted, as he came out of the house next door, in his pajamas, "What's with all the racket…oh no, not you idiots again."
"Honey, just don't say any words with THAT LETTER in them!" Helen shouted back.
"Will you people shut up! People are trying to sleep!" shouted someone from the house across the street.
"ARRGH HA HA HA HAR!" The Pirates all shouted insanely.
"That better not be a dent in my…" Bob began.
"NO! Don't say it!" Ted, Paige, and Helen all shouted.
"…car!" Bob finished.
"CARRRRR HAR HAR HAR HAR!" The Pirates all chanted like maniacs.
"Bob!" Helen replied, "Don't say words with…"
"With…?" Bob began.
Just then the Misfits teleported into the neighborhood, behind the Halliwell house, they walked over to the commotion and Althea said, "There you are, Dad…And the Pirates are with you too."
"ARRHHH HA HA HA HARRR!" The Pirates all shouted.
"Althea," Paige commented, "You should know by now never to say anything that has 'the letter' in it whenever the Pirates are drunk."
"Will you people stop with that racket!" Piper shouted as she stormed angrily out of the house.
"Blast, they're onto us." Jack Sparrow began.
"Damn right we're on to you," Piper shouted at Jack, "You are…"
"ARRGH HAR HAR HAR!" The Pirates all shouted.
"…In very deep shit." Piper said, as she bashed Jack and Shipwreck with an umbrella.
"Should we step in?" Althea asked Cover Girl.
"Nah" Cover Girl replied, "Piper's doing a hell of a job on those two, ones that put Storm frying Shipwreck to shame…"
WHUMP! WHAM! BONK!
"OW! OW! OW! MERCY!" Shipwreck shouted as he ran down the street with Jack Sparrow as they fled an extremely angry Piper.
CRASH! WHACK! POW!
"Piper! No! Let me have a few whacks!" Anamaria shouted as the female pirate drew her cutlass and shouted, "Jack, you missed our anniversary! PREPARE TO DIE!"
The two women ran down the street, chasing Shipwreck and Jack who were in full retreat. "Ow, that should be illegal, Piper…" Paige winced.
CRACK! WHACK! BAM! BONK! BONK! BONK!
"YAGGGHHH!" Shipwreck shouted.
"You three are filming this?" Ted asked incredulously as Trinity held three cute little pink digital cameras out.
"Ted," Lance said, "Those three film everything, you should know that. Whoa! That looks painful…I really pity Jack."
"Who would think someone could do that with a sword." Blob commented.
"Ouch, that should be rated…" Arcade began before Blob and Lance clamped their hands over his mouth.
"Remember don't say that letter in front of the Pirates when they're drunk, Arcade…" Lance hissed. Damn.
"ARRRRRRCADE! ARH HA HA HA HAR!" The Pirates shouted drunkenly.
"Since there be nothing to 'ARH' we best be singing..." Mr. Gibbs replied.
"Singing, drunken pirates…" Althea began, "At least we can't say we have boring nights.
"What shall we do with a drunken Shipwreck? What shall we do with a drunken Shipwreck? What shall we do with a drunken Shipwreck early in the morning?" Mr. Gibbs began.
"Way hey and Piper beats him! Way hey and Piper beats him! Way hey and Piper beats him early in the morning!" The other Pirates sang.
"Throw him in the brig until he's sober! Throw him in the brig until he's sober! Throw him in the brig until he's sober! Early in the morning!" Gibbs sang.
"Way hey and Piper beats him! Way hey and Piper beats him! Way hey and Piper beats him early in the morning!" The Pirates all sang back.
"Have Storm electrify him! Have Storm electrify him! Have Storm electrify him early in the morning!" Gibbs sang.
"Way hey and Piper beats him! Way hey and Piper beats him! Way hey and Piper beats him early in the morning!" The Pirates all sang and started dancing around like drunken deranged maniacs.
"Well," Paige said, "I can't say it's been a boring date. How many verses are there to this song?"
"The last one I heard was a dozen. They got creative…" Ted replied.
"Let the Triplets play with makeup! Let the Triplets play with makeup! Let the Triplets play with makeup early in the morning!" Gibbs sang.
"Hate to break up your singing group, but why did you guys go to San Francisco?" Cover Girl asked one of the Pirates.
"Easy, there be Nautical Night and half priced drinks on Fisherman's Wharf, especially at Pirate's Bar and Grill…" Gibbs began.
"BAR HA HA HA HAR!" The Pirates shouted.
"You know what happens when you ask a dumb question." Cover Girl groaned to herself.
"And knowing is…" Xi began.
"NOT NOW XI!" came the shout from everyone within earshot as insanity and chaos descended upon the neighborhood.
"Something that might be of interest to you." Mirage began as she dropped a file onto the oval shaped table.
"This had better be good if you're interrupting this meeting, woman." Armando Barillo, leader of the Barillo drug cartel.
"Let's just say it's a group from my world that could be trouble." Mirage said.
"With the Heartless at our side…" Xamot began.
"…We are more than a match for whatever the Misfits and X-men may throw at us." Tomax replied.
"Not to mention G.I. Joe." Cobra Commander added.
"Let's not be overconfident, gentlemen." Bolivar Trask said, "I hate to say it, but the X-men and Misfits have displayed an unusual resilience."
"Are you afraid, Trask?" Reverend Stryker said, "If God is on our side, who can be on the side of these unholy abominations."
"You forget, Stryker, that those 'unholy abominations' have thwarted your designs on many occasions." Cobra Commander said, calmly.
"I could say the same of you." Reverend Stryker replied calmly, "Competence has never been your defining trait…"
Cobra Commander bristled, as he glared angrily at Stryker under his cowl, however Syndrome banged his mechanical fist on the table before the leader of COBRA could reply. "Gentlemen, please, we all have common goals here. Let's not let petty bickering divide us."
"Precisely. Though that may be a difficulty for some of us." Stryker began.
"As soon as this is all over…" Cobra Commander threatened.
"Enough!" Syndrome bellowed, "Now, Stryker, how is your FOH operation in San Francisco?"
"So far everything is going according to planned. We're taking full advantage of anti-mutant hysteria in the Bay Area." Stryker replied.
Cobra Commander knew that this was the reporting part of Syndrome's meetings, the part where he demanded what all the various branches of his scheme were up to.
"I hope you're capturing a few test subjects for our labs as well, Stryker." Cobra Commander interjected, "Your associates have a bad habit of turning out corpses as opposed to live test subjects."
"You'll get your fair share." Stryker replied.
"Moving on." Syndrome replied, "Barillo, how are operations in Mexico going?"
"My distribution network is already ready to move the Serum along our traditional smuggling routes and my distributors are already attempting to market it among our usual customers." Barillo replied.
"Why not simply combine it with your usual product?" Mindbender asked, "But I would like healthier test subjects. Junkies rarely survive the process to make them Soldier Heartless…"
"That's where you step in, Stryker." Syndrome began, "Try not to kill so many mutants, take a few of them alive in the best of health."
"What of this information that your associate, Mirage, had for us?" Barillo asked.
"It seems an old enemy from our world has resurfaced." Mirage said.
"And that would be?" Cobra Commander said.
"The Incredibles." Mirage replied.
Syndrome scowled darkly, "I knew there were a few loose ends…"
"Please enlighten us," Destro asked, "Who or what are these 'Incredibles?"
"They are members of a race of beings known as Supers." Mirage replied, "They are similar to Mutants in most respects, having powers such as super strength, extreme flexibility, super speed, invisibility and force field generation."
"Please continue." Destro began.
"They're very close to your operations in San Francisco, Stryker." Mirage began.
"And you couldn't see this threat under your own nose?" Cobra Commander asked, laughing harshly.
Stryker scoffed at Cobra Commander's laughter, "And if I'm not mistaken, Cobra Commander, some of your operatives caused quite a lot of consternation. What idiot assigns Zartan and the Dreadnoks for covert operations in San Francisco."
"HEY! They were the only ones available…" Cobra Commander replied.
"A bunch of muscle bound, overgrown preschoolers are not the best candidates for covert operations." Stryker replied snidely, "If I do recall, the teacher of this kindergarten of the incompetent was exposed and started a gunfight with the Misfits at Quake…"
"All pissing contests aside," Trask asked, "What of some strange activity centered around 1329 Prescott Street?"
"It's just that one of the new Joes assigned to the Misfits, the new guy 'Mountaineer'…" Xamot began.
"…is dating one of three sisters that live in that house." Tomax replied.
"Name?" Syndrome asked.
"Paige Matthews, age twenty-eight, works at South Bay Social Services." Tomax replied.
"Perhaps a way in…" Xamot began.
"…Or a possible hostage." Tomax replied.
"On a different note, what is this 'Serum' you market?" Barillo asked.
"Why do you want to know?" Syndrome challenged, "Do you plan to use it?"
"Of course not, but I like to know what I sell…" Barillo began.
"Don't tell me drug kingpins have conscience." Destro laughed contemptuously.
"No. I need to know so I can price it accordingly." Barillo replied.
"Your base of operations in Culiacan Province is adequate for our plans. And your labs in the desert are more than adequate, Mindbender." Syndrome replied, "Now, gentlemen, we should bear in mind that if we realize each of our smaller goals, we will achieve our one aim…"
"Well that was a disaster…" Cole Turner growled to no one in particular as he fingered a small picture of Phoebe in his right hand, hence his surprise when he heard a reply…
"Which part?"
Cole turned in time to see a large gray furred Coyote idly scratching behind his ear with his right foot.
"What the hell?" Cole asked.
"Well, last time I checked, Belthazor, you weren't all that popular down there. So I wouldn't try to ask them for what the 'hell' I am…" Guile replied.
"OK, what are you?" Cole asked, "And that side of me is permanently vanquished."
"A coyote, duh…" Guile began.
"I can see that, I have eyes you know." Cole replied, more than mildly irritated.
"Well, your smarter than Lance at any rate…" Guile began.
"Oh great, you're somehow one of the Misfits, aren't you?" Cole growled.
"Not at all," Guile said, "And I do feel mildly insulted that you consider me one of them…"
"Then my million dollar question is who are you?" Cole asked.
"You of all people, using the term loosely," Guile began, "Should know. Anyone with even the faintest magical knowledge should know of the Guardians of Chaos…"
"Now I know who you are!" Cole shouted, and flung an energy ball at Guile who simply sidestepped it and laughed.
"Belthazor!" Guile laughed, "Do you realize the Source of all Evil himself tried to kill us for nearly four hundred years, using several upper level demons, not including yourself of course, and failed. What makes you think you can do so?"
"Alright, that unpleasant fact aside, what disaster are you talking about?" Cole replied.
"I believe her name is Phoebe." Guile began, "And when it comes to disaster, in her mental dictionary there's a large photograph of you next to it."
"Where shall I begin?" Guile continued, "First there was the incident with the Triad sending you against the Charmed Ones in the first place. You fell in love with the witch, causing the Triad to get mad at you. You then killed the Triad, and had Zotars chasing you around."
"OK, at least my humanity was awakened." Cole snapped back. This gray furred menace was starting to get annoying.
"Let's recap. You killed an innocent witch that the sisters were protecting. In the process you got Phoebe pissed off at you…" The Coyote replied.
"Hey! I was the Demon Who Came In From the Cold. My old mentor, Raynor, infected me!" Cole replied, "It was a case of demonic possession."
"OK, then it resulted in Phoebe turning into a Banshee." The Coyote replied, "And later a mermaid. Although in that latter incarnation she seemed happier than she ever was with you!"
The Coyote dodged yet another projectile and Cole said, "Is there a point with you rattling off every mistake regarding Phoebe?"
"If I were to try to catalogue that, we would be here all night." Guile replied, laughing as he ran away from Cole who was chasing him around the room.
"Then when you tried to alter reality as an Avatar, things really went south." Guile added.
"Is there any point to all this?" Cole demanded with outstretched arms.
"Normally when me or my brothers Trickery and Guile annoy people, it's just to have fun." Guile added.
"Great." Cole groaned, "But, in some cases we do it for revenge. Like the conquistador, Marquez, after he killed us when we were mortals. The Great Spirit turned us into three mystical coyotes that only he could see and…"
"…Let me guess, you annoyed him to death." Cole replied.
"Bingo!" Guile replied.
"So you're here to annoy me to death?" Cole asked.
"Nah…" Guile replied, "Too much work. Sometimes we come by for fun, or to give advice or to annoy people to death…."
"OK, so you're not here to drive me insane until I die, but why are you here?" Cole asked.
"What do you think?" Guile replied, before disappearing.
"Great." Cole said, to no one, "What could be worse?"
Just then a trio of pint sized bearded men in sailor suits appeared in the room. They blinked and went into a song and dance routine.
"We represent the Shipwreck Guild! The Shipwreck Guild! The Shipwreck Guild!" The Shipwreck clones sang, "We represent the Shipwreck Guild! And now we're going to go play with all your stuff!"
The Shipwreck clones promptly proceeded to trash Cole's dwelling as the annoyed former demon went after them with a vengeance.
Charles Xavier sat in his study that night, rubbing his temples as chaos and destruction echoed just outside the door.
"DIE BOBBY DIE!"
"HELP! HELP!" Bobby screamed as Amara, Jubilee, and Tabitha chased him down the hall.
BOOM!
"YEOWCH! NO FIRE NO FIRE!" Bobby screamed.
"AUGH! The fireworks are even worse!" Bobby squealed like a small girl.
POOF! BANG! BOOM!
"EUREKA! The C4 filled walking cherry bombs were a success! HA HA!" Forge screamed, triumphantly, "I am the equal of Archimedes! I…"
"FORGE!" Scott shouted, "Can you explain why my car is covered with soot and ash!"
"Eh heh heh…." Forge began, "Uh, it's been pretty smoggy out…"
"Nice try!" Scott replied, "Prepare to die!"
"You've been around Roadblock and the Misfits too long." Forge observed, "YIKES!"
The sound of Scott firing his optical blasts could be heard in symphony with Forge's screams of terror and running footsteps.
"What else could go wrong?" Xavier asked.
Just then, in a shimmering vaguely reminiscent of oversized pollen grains, a man wearing a suit minus a tie appeared.
"Excuse me. Professor Xavier, I presume?" the man asked.
"Yes." Xavier replied.
"My name is Cole Turner, and I have a question for you." Cole began.
"Go ahead." Xavier replied.
"Are these yours?" Cole asked.
Cole stepped aside to show three Shipwreck clones surrounded by a magical bubble.
"No," Xavier said, "But we are familiar with them."
"OK, they're your problem then." Cole replied.
"You can't just leave them here with us!" Xavier said. This headache will be epic.
"I can and I will." Cole replied, "They can wreck your mansion now."
"Like my students aren't already." Xavier replied.
"AUGH! MAD DRAGON! MAD DRAGON! HELP! OW!" Kurt screamed, "HE'S BITING MY TAIL! HE'S BITING MY TAIL!"
Just then Mojo appeared in Xavier's study, "Ah Xavier, I see you've found my Shipwreck clones and…"
"These belong to you?" Cole asked in a slow tone.
"Uh, yes." Mojo replied.
In a perfect imitation of Mojo Cole replied, "Uh, prepare to die…horribly."
Cole's eyes glowed white hot as white hot flame balls appeared on his hands. Mojo's eyes widened as Cole came after him. He narrowly dodged a fireball.
"A little help, please?" Mojo asked Xavier.
"I maintain a policy of neutrality…" Xavier began.
"Wimp!" Mojo shouted, "OW!"
A fireball struck home then, and Mojo sped away on the motorized anti-gravity sled he rode on. Mojo fled the study as fast as he could.
"AUGH! My butt's on fire!" Mojo could be heard screaming, "SOMEBODY SAVE ME FROM THE PSYCHO DEMON!"
"I'm NOT a demon!" Cole shouted back as he fired a gravity ball at Mojo. It was a small black sphere the size of a ball bearing, but massed heavier than depleted uranium.
WHACK!
"Have mercy…" Mojo begged, "I may not be able to have children after that one."
Cole launched another gravity ball, this one aimed at Mojo's gravity sled, disabling it. Mojo was launched forward into the wall, smashing a hole in it. A feminine shriek could be heard as Storm charged out of the hole wearing nothing but a towel and water droplets.
Lightning bolts struck Mojo as well. "YEOW! OW! MERCY!"
"Don't let that slug get away!" Cole shouted, and as he passed Storm he said, "Nice towel."
ZAP!
"OW! HEY!" Cole shouted, "Use that on Mojo! Not me!"
"AUGH! HELP! SAVE ME!" Mojo screamed.
"Do you hear something upstairs?" Scott asked Jean as he sipped on some tea, as they sat in the living room. More crashing could be heard.
"I think you're just hearing things." Jean replied.
"YOW WOW OW! SOMEBODY HELP!" Mojo screamed as the sound of fire balls, crashing gravity balls, and lightning could be heard.
"I wonder how high Mojo's ratings will be in the Mojoverse when his viewers see him getting stomped on by Storm and whoever's hitting him with fireballs?" Scott asked, grinning.
"Are you getting this on tape?" Jean asked.
"I paid Multiple a hundred dollars, and the security cameras upstairs should get some decent footage." Scott replied.
"Scott, the question is, what are we going to do with all that footage?" Jean asked.
"Blackmail, Jean, is an ugly practice…" Scott grinned, "But it might work to keep Mojo off our backs…"
"AAAAIIEEEEEEEE!" Mojo could be heard screaming upstairs.
TBC