Sugar and Spice and Everything Not Nice

Disclaimer: Same as before…Hats off to Red Witch for creating the Misfitverse for all of us to write in. A beer at the bar for the lady…

Pirates: BAR! HA HA HA HAR!

"Well, it'll be time soon…" Ted replied, as he sat on top of a large rock formation, the one Lance's sleep terraforming had created last week. He scratched Klondike behind the ears, as the Siberian Husky rested himself on his lap.

Klondike licked Ted's forearm and the Canadian tiredly grinned. "It'll be time to tell Paige everything I did in Israel."

"Woo woo woo…"

"Yeah, I really shouldn't have anything to worry about, right?" Ted replied, "I mean we love each other…"

Klondike started licking Ted's face as he sat up, as if to say, "Hey, you've still got me around."

Ted scratched Klondike at the sides of his neck, "Ah, dog therapy can certainly help."

"Woo woo…" Klondike wooed excitedly.

"Yeah, I can tell you're happy to see me." Ted replied, "And I don't think I've ever seen Flint look so happy. What did you do?"

"Woo woo woo woo woo!"

"I did warn them Sibes are a very high energy breed." Ted replied.

Klondike slinked around to a spot on the rocky platform for a second and reappeared a few seconds later. "Paige is an understanding girlfriend, she wouldn't reject me over the past, and I mean those operations were for the good of the Israeli state and…" Ted said to himself, not noticing Klondike had slinked off.

Ted turned around and saw Klondike emerge from a small, den-like space on the rock, "What is that in your mouth?" Ted replied.

Klondike deposited the item onto Ted's lap and he noticed it was a green lace and silk bra. "Wha-Where did you find that thing?"

"OK! WHERE'S THAT FOUR LEGGED WALKING FLEA FACTORY!" Scarlett's angry voice echoed.

Ted glanced into the den-like space with a flashlight and found a wide assortment of items, quite a few of them belonging to female Joes. "Great, I've adopted a voyeur of a dog..."

"Woo woo woo woo woo..." Klondike began.

"No, you're not sweet talking your way out of this one." Ted replied simply, "What did you get up to while I was gone for a week?"

"Woo woo woo woo woo woo woo." Klondike replied, as if to say, "Well..."

"Never mind," Ted sighed, "I don't think I want to know."

Ted climbed down from the rock, with Klondike following him after Ted had attached Klondike's leash. The pair headed back into Misfit Manor.

BOOM!

"ARH HA HA HA HAR!" The Pirates all chanted simultaneously with drawn cutlasses in the air. Evidently the Pirates had taken the

CRASH! A bowling ball went flying through the air before hitting Duke's Jeep, sending him careening onto the roar.

"Ow…" Duke groaned from the front yard.

"Hey stranger," Paige's voice echoed, "I thought I'd find you back here."

Ted turned around to see Paige standing a few feet behind him. "I missed you." Ted replied, as he embraced her.

"So did I." Paige replied, "However, Piper didn't miss either of you…"

"Woo woo woo…"

"Hi Klondike," Paige replied, patting the dog on top of his furry head. The Sibe licked Paige's hand a few times.

"I see the Pirates have learned something new." Paige replied, "I never thought a dryer could be turned into a makeshift cannon."

BOOM!

"There is no end to the Pirates' ingenuity, however I wish it wouldn't involve our household appliances." Ted replied.

BOOM!

"HA HA HA HA HAR!" The Pirates all chanted.

"AUGH! WHO BLASTED MY SUITCASES ALL OVER THE LAWN!" Julie Atkins screamed, "I HAVEN'T EVEN UNPACKED THEM YET!"

"Woo woo woo woo woo!" Klondike began.

"Oh no you don't!" Ted replied, yanking on Klondike's leash, "You're not collecting any of Captain Atkins' bras."

"What?" Paige asked.

"Let's say the female Joes of the Pit really have it out for Klondike and leave it at that." Ted replied.

"Yes, stealing personal items can upset a girl." Paige replied, crouching down in front of Klondike, "What've you got there, boy?"

"Leave it!" Ted commanded, and Klondike dropped the bra in his hands.

"I see why the female Joes aren't overly fond of Klondike." Paige replied, "So what did you want to talk to me about?"

The die is cast. Ted thought. Klondike instinctively sat beside Ted's right leg, nuzzling him there.

"Paige, I ask again, how well do you think you know me?" Ted asked.

"I know you like to drink Molson Golden, Mountain Dew's your favorite soda, you have an almost unhealthy fascination with rock climbing…" Paige replied, "So I think I know you pretty well."

"During the Palestinian Intifada, the Israeli military carried out some operations to suppress the uprising." Ted replied, "The Shin Bet really wanted to use our Mistaravim, or undercover units, against the Palestinians. But we weren't there to arrest them. We were there to kill them."

"Ted, soldiers are trained to kill people, right?" Paige asked.

"That's right." Ted replied, "But it takes a toll on a soldier to go walk up to a man and gun him down in front of a mosque, and then do it again to a different man."

"Ted, I don't understand…" Paige replied, putting her hands on his shoulders, "Why did you join the Israeli Army in the first place?"

"It started at a place I have always gone to think." Ted replied, "The fort at Masada."

Masada, 1995: Ted climbed the narrow Snake Path, so named because of it's winding course up the side of the plateau, barely wide enough for two men standing side by side. The lightweight backpack on his shoulders, and the Camelbak hydration system were a barely felt weight. The sun had yet to rise as Ted continued his climb, and he was fighting the residual effect of the night chill of the Negev Desert.

Ted sat atop a rock, near a ruined wall of the ancient citadel atop the plateau. As the red copper disk of the sun beamed out over the Israeli Negev Desert he began to think. A line of torches could be seen coming up the Roman ramp, the platform built in 73 AD by the Romans besieging the Jewish rebels in the fort almost two thousand years ago.

Ted imagined what it had been like, almost a thousand zealots, rebels against Rome. The very first who rebelled, and now the last of the almost entirely quashed insurrection fled here after thousands of their colleagues fell before Roman swords or were crucified on the roadways throughout Judea. He imagined the desperate struggle, of watching the Romans build the ramp higher and higher, until their battering rams gained the plateau and began knocking down the stone walls. The zealots hastily constructed an earth and wood wall that the battering ram only strengthened with its pounding. He imagined the Romans burning down that wall, and waiting until sunrise to break into the fort. What the Romans found were corpses the next day, for the nearly one-thousand Zealots had chosen suicide rather than surrender…

A line of recruits to the Israeli Airborne Forces followed the torch bearers. As the soldiers formed ranks in a square a few yards away from Ted, an officer strode in front of the assembled Israeli soldiers.

"Almost two thousand years ago, men of our land chose death rather than a life of servitude under a foreign oppressor." The colonel intoned, "And for centuries after, we were scattered into the four winds. We returned here, to our land and well before we were granted independence in 1948 we were at war."

"It was here," said the Colonel, "That our ancestors chose death before surrender. And it has always been here where every generation of Israeli soldier has been sworn into service to declare unanimously: Masada shall not fall again."

"MASADA SHALL NOT FALL AGAIN!" The unanimous shout from amongst the soldiers echoed.

"For the first time in twenty-two years of life, I really felt like I belonged somewhere." Ted replied, "And two months later I had joined the MAGAV."

"It wasn't just idealism that kept you in, was it?" Paige asked.

"Paige, the idealistic side of me kinda got a wakeup call on a roadside in Gaza." Ted replied…

Ted Griffin, barely twenty-two years old and a new recruit to the MAGAV, ducked behind the jeep of his vehicle and fired his M16 at the Palestinian ambushers, seeing one of them crumple dead to the ground. He went to change out his empty magazine with fumbling, shaking fingers when he saw a Palestinian fighter about to shoot his AK47 at the medics. He had no idea that Ted was nearby, just outside his field of vision.

Ted grabbed one of his hand grenades, pulled the pin, and threw it at the Palestinian. It landed perfectly beneath him, right between his legs and exploded with a flash, throwing its victim into the air with a column of dirt.

Ted was amazed. The Palestinian sat up, screaming in pain, clutching at his lower body…

"Griffin! God damn it! Man your weapon!" Shlomo shouted.

Ted leveled his M16 after reloading another magazine before squeezing the trigger twice and gunning the man down…

"You once told me that Israeli draftees only need to stay in for three years. What kept you in for six and a half years after your obligated service time?" Paige asked.

"I had a lot of friends I made over the years in Israel." Ted replied, "I remember it like it was yesterday…"

Tel Aviv, 1997: "Looking forward to it, Ted?" Margot asked, sliding a stray strand of her short blonde hair from her face.

"One more year." Ted replied, wearily, taking another gulp of his beer.

"I remember when I was in," Margot replied, "Shortly after I turned eighteen…"

"But they let you guys go after two years." Ted replied.

"Well, I'm glad you went into the MAGAV." Margot replied, "That was my service."

Ted had known Margot since he was nine and she was eleven. She had been invaluable as far as advising him on joining the military.

"So Margot was your best friend?" Paige asked.

"Best friend, pseudo-big sister, pseudo-girlfriend." Ted replied.

"Pseudo-girlfriend?" Paige asked, raising her right eyebrow.

"She used to write letters to me all the time in boot camp. While I was living in a seven man tent in the middle of the Negev Desert, learning how to clear rooms, fire all weapons used by the Israeli Defense Force, and suffering the ire of MAGAV drill sergeants I waited for letters from her." Ted replied, "She used to sign off with 'Your Girlfriend, Margot' even if she was engaged to be married. She did that to comfort a guy far away from anything familiar."

"She sounds like a good friend, but what does that have to do with you staying more than three years in the MAGAV?" Paige asked.

Jerusalem, 1997: The bus was a smoking ruin, the stench of burning oil, paint, and burning flesh invaded Ted's nostrils. A young man had come onto the bus and lifted his shirt, revealing several pounds of high explosives which he subsequently detonated.

Ted forced the door with the breaching tools on his back. The heat of the explosion had almost melted the door shut. After a good push on the crowbar breacher, the door gave way and the smell assaulted him, the smell of burnt flesh, blood, and oil was overpowering. Ted got out of the way of the paramedics and then turned towards the side of the bus and threw up.

Ted returned to his station, keeping the crowds away from the blast site. He saw two paramedics out of the corner of his eyes carrying a black body bag between them. The bag was open just enough for him to catch sight of a blonde haired head.

Oh God. No! It can't be…Ted thought, horrified. He didn't dare imagine. The paramedics laid the bag atop the pile of other body bags waiting for the 'meat wagon' to take them to the coroners. He glanced and immediately all the color drained out of his face.

He recognized Margot's face, easily, despite the third degree burn on the left side of it. One eye was swollen shut from the blast, the other was open, and clearly showed Margot had lived for at least a few moments after the explosion.

Margot was survived by her husband and her oldest son, eighteen months old. Her unborn child had died in the blast with its mother. God, if you exist, let me kill the bastards responsible for this.

"Revenge." Ted replied, "Pure and simple revenge."

Paige stood there in stunned silence. Ted continued, "I understand if you think I'm some sort of crazed monster…"

Paige put up her hand, "Ted, I think nothing of the sort. I'm more upset about the fact that you didn't tell me about this sooner."

"Each person I killed with that motivation meant I felt further and further away from home." Ted replied, "I spent a month back home in Canada before joining G.I. Joe. I wound up pursuing old past-times to try and reconnect with who I was before the war. I found out you can never go home again."

"Ted, as a witch I've had to do some things I regret too." Paige replied, "So if you think I have no clue what you felt, and what you're feeling, you obviously don't know me very well."

"I'm sorry I underestimated you, Paige." Ted replied, "This was one relationship I didn't want to go sour."

"Ted, I have a good feeling about us. I want 'us' to work out, and I want you to let me help you." Paige replied.

Ted reached inside his shirt and Paige saw a metal, rectangular disk and a small silver crucifix on the end of a neck chain. The information on it was in Hebrew and had a horizontal perforation so the disk would break in half. Ted snapped the metal disk in half, took one of Paige's hand in two of his own while pressing the disk half into the palm of her hands.

"Paige, as you know, a dog tag is taken from a soldier when he is killed or captured. This is to show that you've certainly captured my heart." Ted replied.

"I'll take good care of it." Paige replied, sniffling.

"We'd better get inside. We have a meeting in a few minutes…" Ted replied.

"Name one gift, Avalanche, that hasn't backfired regarding Kitty." Rogue demanded.

"Well, ahem…" Lance began, "There was always the penguin, you know how Everybody Loves Penguins."

"Not everybody!" Kurt replied, "I have had an insane, obsessed penguin stalker for the past few years wanting to peck off my tail."

"Then there was that Amazon Rosewood Tercher." Bobby added, "That ate up half the Institute."

"Let's not forget the Eau d'Avalanche!" Scott snapped.

"Hey, Lockheed wasn't a bad gift." Lance replied.

"That Darn Dragon has set fire to, bitten and chewed through, and caused havoc for half the mansion's population more times than I care to admit!" Kurt replied, "OW!"

Lockheed was clamped firmly to Kurt's tail, "My tail is not a chew toy!"

Kurt started whacking Lockheed with a rolled up magazine, which caused the baby dragon to bite harder.

"KURT!" Kitty shrieked before jumping on top of the blue furred mutant and pummeling him with both fists.

"You know the saying beware of Greeks bringing gifts." Betsy Braddock replied, "Change that to beware of Misfits bearing gifts."

"Let's get this meeting started, preferably before the house is dearly departed." Roadblock began.

"So let me get this straight," Cover Girl began, pointing at Bob Parr, "You guys are a family from a world where Superheroes exist. In your alter-ego you guys are the Incredibles, and most of the time you're the Parr family, for the sake of cover…"

"PARR HA HA HA HAR!" The Pirates all chanted, waving cutlasses and bottles of rum.

"QUIET!" Bob shouted at the Pirates.

"That was the worst Saturday Night Live skit I ever saw." Violet remarked.

"Yeah, it was even lamer than Not-So-Quicksilver…" Dash began.

"Not as lame as Dash the Crash!" Pietro snapped back.

"The only thing quick about you, Pietro, is your ability to go out of style." Dash replied.

"Good one." Lance replied.

"WHO'S SIDE ARE YOU ON!" Pietro shouted.

"ENOUGH!" Cover Girl shouted, "Now, before we were sidetracked, you guys were relocated here because your world had been taken over by a bad guy named Syndrome. Who apparently has control of the Heartless and provoked the Soviet Union, which still exists on your world, into war."

"Exactly." Helen replied, "But we can't figure out exactly why the Syndrome would piss of the Soviets."

"Probably to try and kill us." Bob replied.

"And you guys were relocated here with the help of the ACME Detective Agency's Clandestine Service branch, which you guys are a part of." Warren chimed in, pointing at the small group of ACME operatives.

"Exactly." Bluey Truscott replied, "It was to keep this lot out of trouble, but that hasn't worked too well."

"That's only because you relocated us to a world full of mutants, anti-mutant activists, and let's not forget HEARTLESS!" Bob replied.

"Some blokes can't keep themselves out of trouble." The Filipino-Australian replied.

"Bluey, Bob," Marian replied, "Can you two not fill the room with enough hostility to start a third world war for three seconds."

"That's a record for those two." Jan Shimoda quipped.

"Well, sometimes Santa Claus can't help himself." Logan replied, "Bugging people is his thing."

"Don't start with me on the weight, Dwarf!" Bob snapped.

"What are you gonna do, sit on me?" Logan replied.

"I outta…" Bob began.

"Bob!" Helen chastised, "Sorry, sometimes he can be a little pigheaded."

"That's the understatement of the year." Bluey chimed in.

"Well, you're not exactly the most civil person alive either, Truscott." Aron brought in.

"And you're not exactly the most honest, either." Truscott replied to his teammate.

"So moving on, you three are witches." Helen replied, indicating the Halliwells, the Parr's next door neighbors.

"Exactly Mrs. Parr." Phoebe replied.

"PARR HA HA HA HAR!" The Pirates chanted insanely.

"Witches in the 21st Century. This is new, and I suppose you travel by broom…" Bob replied.

"The only broom I see is the one I'll use to whack you over the head." Piper snapped.

"Hint," Ted said to Bob, "Do not get her started."

"Woo woo woo woo woo." Klondike added, as if to put his two cents in.

"Woof woof!" Sprocket, the Border Collie assigned to the ACME detachment, barked as well.

"Will you two control your barking menaces?" Beach Head snapped.

"Hey, no one insults my dog but me!" Larry Purvis, the wiry, bespectacled handler replied.

"And you guys chase around demons, warlocks, and all sorts of bad magical creatures?" Helen replied.

Paige nodded and Helen continued, "And Leo, you're a guardian angel for witches, a Whitelighter?"

Leo nodded, "Not to mention Piper's husband."

"Isn't that breaking some kind of rule?" Bob replied, "Some kind of fraternization rule."

"Watch it, unless you want your family jewels blown up!" Piper snapped.

"And I admire your patience, my friend. It seems like it's always that time of the month your bonnie lass." Jack Sparrow remarked.

Anamaria and Piper looked at each other for a moment and nodded. Piper slapped the right side of Jack's face and Anamaria slapped the left side of Jack's face.

"I'm afraid your mouth moved faster than your wit, Jack." Elizabeth laughed.

"Taco…" Will said, pointing at Low Light before flexing his left bicep, "Grande…"

"Shipwreck! See what you started!" Low Light shouted.

At Low Light's bellowing, Alex began to fuss and Elizabeth walked over to Low Light and hit him over the head with a vase.

"HEY!" Shipwreck replied, "THAT'S AN ANTIQUE!"

"Boy, 1998 sure is a vintage year, huh Dad?" Althea asked.

"And you guys are a bunch of pirates from another world, destroyed by the Heartless?" Helen asked.

"A bunch of pirates who periodically get drunk and terrorize San Francisco." Bob replied.

"Not to mention my suitcases." Julie Atkins grumbled, as she walked through the front door, carrying an armload of clothes, including a share of bras and panties.

"Right you are, matey." Mr. Gibbs replied, taking a swallow of his bottle of rum.

"How did you guys find this world?" Marian asked, "We have to learn of worlds through agents who discover them through word of mouth."

"As the Heartless ravaged all we knew and loved," Will Turner began, "Jack and the Black Pearl appeared on the horizon and his mysterious compass lead us to your world."

Jack was staring at his mysterious compass as Violet peered over his shoulder, "It looks like it's broken, I mean it doesn't point north."

"But we weren't trying to find north." Jack replied, "We sought to escape from the Heartless."

"And it brought you here?" Helen asked.

"Yes." Jack replied.

"I need a cup of coffee," Leo groaned, and Piper put her hand on his shoulder, "Yeah, Chris kept me up most of last night. I didn't want to wake you up, honey, because you had that headache."

"I could use some too." Paige replied.

Leo headed over to the kitchen and noticed a pot of coffee in the coffee maker and poured himself a cup, and one for Paige. He sipped at the cup and instantly felt like he'd been kicked by a mule. A broad grin spread over his face.

After Paige swallowed her first gulp, she realized very quickly that something was wrong. She hiccupped and saw orbs in front of her. "Whoa, I've never had coffee do that before…"

Leo immediately started to dance a jig and started to sing, "Hava nagilah, Hava, nagilah, Hava, nagilah venism'chah…"

"Oh no…" Paige groaned, as she realized she just had a drink of B.A.'s Infamous Eye Opener.

"Hava, naranana, Hava, naranana, Hava, naranana, venism'chah." Leo continued to sing and dance as Paige joined in.

Meanwhile the Misfits began to take hits from the pot of B.A.'s Coffee and they began to start acting strangely as well.

Xi jumped into the air, doing a spinning kick and he hit the ground singing, "Everybody was kung fu fighting. Those cats were fast as lightning."

"In fact it was a little bit frightening!" Toad said as he kicked towards Xi.

"But they fought with expert timing!" Althea said, as she kicked over Toad's head.

"They were funky Chinamen!" Xi sang as he broke a table with a downward palm strike, "From funky China town!"

"They were chopping men up! They were chopping men down!" Althea shouted as she kicked outward and knocked over Jean Grey.

"It's an ancient Chinese art! And everybody knew their part. From a feinting to a slip, and we're kicking from the hip!" Toad shouted as he jumped into the air with a splitting double kick, knocking down Cyclops with his back leg and Bobby with his front leg.

"Everybody was kung fu fighting!" Althea, Xi, and Toad all sang simultaneously, kicking and striking as they fought imaginary foes, standing back to back, but in reality breaking stationary objects and stationary people as well.

Meanwhile Paige and Leo were holding up a chair in the air and bouncing Forge up and down, in the manner of some traditional Jewish wedding ceremony singing, "Uru, uru achim,
Uru na achim b'lev shameach, Uru na achim b'lev shameach, Uru na achim b'lev shameach!"

"Ow! Ow! Ow!" Forge groaned as his butt hit the wood of the chair.

"Piper, quick! Freeze the room!" Phoebe began.

"I'm on it!" Piper replied, dodging a kick from Xi.

"Everybody was kung fu fighting!" Xi shouted.

Piper froze the room and Phoebe began to say the spell, "Oh substance of omen ill. Leave their systems, if you will. Their antics are of great woe. Leave their system with due haste and go."

As the commotion was going on, Julie Atkins began to record everything that happened, including Piper's freeze and Phoebe's using magic with a small digital camera. As soon as the freeze wore off, she snuck upstairs and began to compose an e-mail on her laptop. She uploaded the video onto the computer and e-mailed it to General Eddington.

Five minutes later a reply appeared on Julie's account:

Captain Atkins,

Good job. Keep reporting everything at Misfit Manor, who comes and goes. Make sure they don't suspect you.

Eddington

How much longer am I gonna have to stay with these freaks? They give me the creeps. Especially the green scaled one...Julie thought. I can't last on this assignment much longer...

TBC: Up next, the Villains conspire still further as the Misfits go after the FOH's leadership. Something is soon to be afoot in Orlando…