Author's Note: The penultimate chapter! I felt like the last chapter was a little weak but am glad to see it was well received. Hopefully this one will measure up. This was difficult to write and still have it come across as believable, especially the Lorelai/Sookie dialogue. It was even more difficult to find a quote to start the chapter off. Here is where Gilmore Time comes into effect. I've built these last two chapters around events from the next couple of episodes in the fourth season after 'The Incredible Shrinking Lorelais' so watch those episodes if you really need some background setting.
Also, remember that I'm going off a few conditions that Sassyplatypus built into her fic; most importantly that Luke has lived abroad—though not for very long—with Rachel at one time in his life, and Lorelai has realized that she loves Luke.
Finally, I've gotta say this:
Puffingnoise: Yes, I remember the Gin Blossoms were very popular for a few years, but unfortunately they dropped out of the public eye when they broke up and they've really only had a cult following since, plus Lorelai would've had her hands full with a eight or nine year old kid, so that's my reasoning for her not having heard of them. I guess that is a bit of a stretch, so maybe we'll say she's heard of them but can't really remember them. Hopefully all that will change since their putting out a new CD that'll be available in August. I've heard some of the new tracks and it sounds pretty good. It's so cool that you've been listening to them; I've got a lot of unreleased and rare tracks I've been listening in addition to their studio CD's.Check out their website to hear their new single 'Learning the Hard Way.' I didn't plan it this way, but it seems that nearly all of my quotes are coming from their songs. Interesting...
Bellybuttonsrcool: You are officially the coolest reviewer I've had. Your Jimmy Buffett trivia surpasses even mine, and I must say I'm slightly envious of the stories you could tell (Did you catch the subtle drop of the Buffett song title). I've driven through the Mobile area but never been able to stop there. Next time I come through I may just have to look you up so you can give me a tour. Fins Up!
"There's no intentions worthy of mention,
If we never try.
So hang your hopes on rusted-out hinges,
Take them for a ride."
'Twenty-nine,' The Gin Blossoms
5. Meltdown in the House
I cover most of the night in a hushed voice on the way home. The entire meltdown, asking to stay, and the ultra-dirty incident all hold Sookie's undivided attention. "I think he took it all fairly well." Sookie smiles as we come through the front door.
"Yes, and then I found the check." I begin.
"Well weren't you supposed to find the check?"
"Not until the morning."
"Ah," Sookie sits down on the couch and I join her. "What happened?"
"I basically tried to jump him in his sleep." I cover my face at the memory.
"I'll bet that was surprising." Sookie wiggles his eyebrows.
"Well, he was a little freaked when he woke up and saw me standing over him like Cathy Bates."
"And then?"
I cringe at what I did next. "I told him I love him."
"Oh my God!" Sookie screams.
I try to calm her down, "But he didn't take me seriously. He thought I was being emotional, so he told me a story and then sat with me all night."
"Why wouldn't he take you seriously?" Sookie is incredulous.
"Because I was emotional."
"But," Sookie pauses, unsure of whether to ask. "Were you serious?"
For once.
"Yes," I sigh. "But he hasn't asked about it so I'm not going to bring it up."
"Why not!" Sookie yells. "You love him! I can't believe this!" Then she goes quiet. "Oh my God," she says in a low voice. Her face becomes heartbreaking, "Oh my God."
"What?" Now I'm starting to get nervous.
"Nicole." Sookie says.
"Yeah, Nicole." I sigh again. "She called him in the morning, while I was still there and he was downstairs. I heard her leave the message. It was so…surreal."
"Good thing you didn't answer the phone." Sookie thinks out loud.
"I almost did. And then I overheard some of their conversation when he called her back. I just felt so awkward and, I don't know, depressed." I rub my forehead.
"How did you get home without being seen?"
"Luke drove me. We pulled a Great Escape and made it inside my house without anyone noticing. That was a miracle." I laugh a little. "And then I kissed him goodbye and that was that."
Sookie's eyes go wide with surprise and I clarify, "I kissed him on the cheek, Sookie. I didn't forget about Nicole."
You can't forget about Nicole.
I can't stop myself from continuing, "But…I don't know… I thought…gah! I'm so frustrated! I was terrible that night and he's married and I've got a boyfriend…"
That you don't love.
"…it's extremely complicated." My vision begins to blur and I know I'm working myself into a frenzy.
"What are you going to do?" Sookie asks.
"I don't know. What can I do?" I scoff. "Apparently I've missed my chance. But I didn't even see my chance." I bury my face in my hands.
"Honey, it'll be fine…"
Sookie tries to consol me, but I don't hear her, "No! It's not going to be fine! How could it possibly be fine?"
"You have not missed you're chance—"
"I'm pretty sure I have!" I cut her off through my tears, "And I'm not stupid. You told me that he loved me and was waiting for me, Miss Patty always teased me, the whole town knew; I knew he had a little crush on me. But I locked him in the 'friend room' for so long because he's the only man I could count on and I needed him to be around to be able to have coffee or feed me and Rory or to fix my porch." I'm into full-blown crazy-talk now.
"Lorelai, you've got to calm down a little, honey." Sookie put her arms around me.
"And Rory!" I go on. "She was always teasing me about him. And I denied it because—let's face it—my relationships are not the most stable in the world and I didn't want her to get caught in the middle and be forced into choosing sides. But I don't think I really believe that—not anymore. I'm just using my daughter as a shield so I don't have deal with a serious relationship and everything that goes with it. It's just an excuse to keep things casual so I don't get hurt. I sabotage myself and then wonder why I'm alone."
"You're making yourself hysterical." Sookie tells me in a tender voice. "Stop doing this to yourself."
"I just…for so long he was there and I knew that if I wanted him he would want to be with me. But I kept him on the back burner. He promised he was getting a divorce. He was supposed to wait until I was ready." And I'm disgusted with how that sounds. "Ugh! Could I be any more selfish?"
"Lorelai, look at me." Sookie says gently. "Take a deep breath and calm down and tell what you are talking about; you're going to have to fill in the blanks for me. When did he promise to get a divorce?"
"Right before Rory went to Yale. We were loading his truck because Rory had to leave the next day, and that's when he told me what had happened on the cruise. And I know he didn't say 'I promise' but he told me that he and Nicole were separated and getting a divorce. But then she convinced him to give it a chance." I suck in a breath and wipe away the tears. "I found his divorce papers the other morning." I confess. "I didn't mean to; I was looking for a movie or a CD to listen to before he took me home. But she must have interrupted him while he was filling them out because he didn't even finish writing his name in the blank."
"Honey, I've known Luke for a long time." Sookie tries to comfort me. "Trust me when I say that he still cares about you. He's always watched over you and Rory and I'm sure that will never change. But in his mind he needs to give his marriage a chance because of all the heartbreak he's gone through, especially from his relationship with Rachel. That left him pretty jaded. He just…he barricaded himself in that diner and refused to live. I thought he'd given up."
"How many times did she leave him?" I ask.
"While they were together? Three times that I remember. The first time he ended up following her to Chicago for a few months, but he came back and she went around the world. Then she came back about five years later, but she only stayed for about eight months. She left just before you moved into this house. The last time…well, you remember that one. They didn't start to date until after she graduated high school since she was a couple years younger, but they were close. She really helped him when his dad died and I think that's why he took it so hard when she left him. I liked her, but she put Luke through hell."
"I found his diary—well, his notebook." I see Sookie's eyebrows rise in surprise. "I know; I found everything except the CD's." I say wryly.
"Did you…read it?"
"Yeah." And now I feel ashamed. It was so private, but I couldn't even respect that. "It was very depressing."
"Well, Luke's seen a lot of depressing things," Sookie reasons. "Did he write a lot?"
"No. He wrote about his parents, Liz, and Rachel." I breathe. "And me."
"That's a pretty short list." Sookie says quietly.
"Forty-some years crammed into two and a half pages." I remember.
"Luke never was much of a talker."
"He wrote that I was beautiful." I say for no reason. "But it was so cryptic. I think it just makes him more difficult to understand. There were no insights, no discussions. No pro/con lists."
"Well, I mean, this is Luke. I wouldn't expect him to make lists. He's always kind of just gone on instinct." Sookie tells me. "Does he know you found all these things?" She asks.
His gut feelings...
I remember our movie night discussion.
It's so unexpected for a man like Luke to go on intuition. "I don't think he remembers that he even has these things." I say.
"Are you going to tell him?"
"I don't think so." I answer slowly. I lie back on the couch and stare at the ceiling. "How would I…how can I tell him without destroying his trust in me?"
"Lorelai, you're going to make yourself sick if you dwell on this." Sookie tells me. "Listen to me…you've got to let all the 'what ifs' go. Luke is still your friend, and it sounds like he doesn't know about your…revelations. I know that you feel terrible, but whatever you decide to do, don't avoid him, alright?"
I nod my head.
"I'm serious." She looks serious—worried that something terrible could happen if I don't do exactly as she says—and it stuns me into nodding again. Sookie looks at her watch and sighs, "I've got to go home to Davey. Are you going to be okay?"
"Yes, go home." I give her a hug as we stand up. "I'll be fine." I walk her to the door.
"Goodnight." Sookie calls.
"Goodnight." I shut the door and go to my room. I fall across the bed and land on Luke's flannel. It still smells like him. I change and crawl into bed, using the flannel as a pillow, and fall into a restless sleep.
It takes me a couple days to go back to the diner, but I pass it off as being overloaded with work. I've managed to keep my freak-outs to a minimum since the night with Sookie. I can't force Luke to get a divorce so things stay in the status quo. He's married to Nicole, I'm dating Jason. I feel myself slipping into denial and bury myself in work. The inn is finally under control—at least financially speaking—and I'm feeling better about life in general. Then my grandmother dies and the crisis meter jumps a few notches again.
It started with Jason not wanting to go to her funeral. He gave a flimsy excuse about being freaked out by funerals, but even if that's true he is my father's business partner—
And your boyfriend.
He needed to be there for my father.
He needed to be there for us. And I know his 'quirks' are supposed to be endearing, but it really hurt that he wouldn't even consider going.
Miraculously, I made it through with the minimum amount of embarrassment that comes with family functions. The funeral and wake ran late and Rory had to go back to Yale so I drove home alone.
We just need some coffee.
Luke was closing up when I drove by, but the lights were still on and after a brief debate at home I finally convinced myself that he wouldn't mind some company so I walked back to the diner.
Luke looks up at the sound of the bells and I think I see him repress a smile. "Hey, I didn't think I'd see you tonight."
I take a seat at the counter and waited as he poured my coffee. "Why?"
"Oh, you told me you had some big family thing tonight, so I figured, you know, you're usually pretty drained after those." Luke sorts through receipts as he speaks.
"Nothing a little coffee can't fix."
"Glad I could help." Luke stops and looks up. "What kind of function was it? You look beat."
"Oh, it was…my grandmother's funeral." I let my eyes fall to my coffee mug.
"I'm sorry." Luke squeezes my hand gently and then goes back to sorting receipts. "Was it nice?"
"It was a Gilmore function." I scoff a little. "My mother found a copy of this note while we were closing Gran's estate. Gran had written it to my father, and it basically said that she thought my mom was…unsuitable is about the nicest way I can put it. My mom pretty much imploded when she read it, and I don't blame her. The terrible thing is that I think Gran put it in a place where she knew my mother would find it. It just pains me to think that could be true." I sigh. "It pains me to think those people are my family."
"How'd your dad take all this?" Luke stops what he's doing and leans on the counter.
"Well, my dad knew about the letter 'cause he'd gotten the original the night before he married Mom." I see his eyebrows rise in surprise and I nod in agreement. "I don't know if my mom told him about finding the copy, but Dad was pretty broken up over Gran's death. The last time they spoke was when Gran called me a charity case; they had a huge argument and didn't make up before she died." I take a sip of coffee and notice that Luke is waiting for me to continue. Sookie's words come to mind:
He's always watched over you and Rory and I don't think that will ever change.
It's nice to think that's true. "Jason didn't come to the funeral, but my dad was so upset I don't think he noticed."
"Jason?" Luke asks. "Your boyfriend?"
"Yeah," I take a sip of coffee to avoid looking at Luke.
"Why didn't he come?"
"He's afraid of funerals." I chuckle bitterly. "He told me he just doesn't do funerals—something about going to them when he was a kid. But he's my father's business partner. He should've been there for him."
"He should've been there for you." Luke says matter-of-factly, but I can see in his eyes that he is angry. "He should've been a man and sucked it up." He stops and looks a little embarrassed at what he just said. "Sorry—I just mean—he should be there if you two are in a relationship. He shouldn't have left you alone." And with that he turns around to grab a rag.
"I wasn't alone; I had Rory there." I tell him.
He's wiping the counter now and I can tell he's a still angry because he's scrubbing hard. But he sounds calm. "Still, I wish you would've said something. I would've gone with."
"You would've gone to a Gilmore function?" I laugh a little at this.
"You came to my Uncle Louie's funeral, and I've got experience with wakes and funerals. I think I would do okay at a Gilmore funeral.
"I didn't want you to go as…" I try to think of how to put it. "…payback just because I went to your Uncle Louie's."
Wow, that sounds incredibly weak.
I can see his eyes cloud and he stops scrubbing. "Lorelai…" he shakes his head. "I would have gone because you needed me." He sighs. "You and Rory both helped me a lot when my uncle died and I'm really grateful for that. I just…you shouldn't have to go through that alone." He drops his eyes and begins to scrub again. I can tell that what he just said has touched off memories of his past and realize that Luke is a man who has always gone through sorrow alone: his mother, his father, his sister and the ones he loves leaving him without so much as a goodbye. No one to confide to, no one to lean on, no one to let his guard down with and just be vulnerable and human. But he keeps his memories to himself and after a minute he asks, "How is Rory?"
"She's fine. She had to go back to Yale for classes, but I think everything's okay. She didn't know Gran very well so I don't think it hit her as hard as some others." I say.
"Good." Luke says.
"So…" I draw the question out. "Are you going to Litchfield tonight?"
"I don't know." Luke says. "I should." He sighs a little. "Nicole and I had a fight today and she was pretty mad when she left."
They're fighting again? I wonder if Miss Patty knows what's going on. "Can I ask why you had a fight?"
"It's just little things." Luke dismisses my question. "We're both really busy so we haven't spent a lot of time together the last few days. She's been working late with clients even though she just got back from New York. And I've had early deliveries all week. I think we're just stressed." Luke throws the rag into the sink and is quiet a moment. "I'll probably go home and apologize tonight. Cesar's opening tomorrow so I can be with her in the morning."
"Oh," I say, feeling depressed. If he's going to Litchfield then I'll have to go home soon.
No use in sitting around until he kicks us out.
I finish my coffee and stand up. "I'll let you finish up here then."
I'm halfway to the door before I hear Luke call out, "Hold on." I stop and he disappears into the kitchen.
Okay, that was odd.
But he comes out with a small Styrofoam box and hands it to me.
"I, uh, had an extra piece of pie. I was just going to throw it away, but do you want it?"
"Of course," I smile and take the box from him.
He smiles back. "It's boysenberry."
My favorite, "You never have boysenberry left over."
"It was a slow night." Luke explains. I can see concern on his face. "Do you, uh, need a hug or something?" He asks shyly.
I need something…
"It couldn't hurt." I say. I set the pie down on a table and he's holding me again. It's a little tense at first, but I feel him relax and I rest my head on his good, strong shoulder. He starts to let go but I hold tight.
Not yet. If I can't kiss you I'll hug you until I'm ready to let go.
He cradles me in his arms until I pull away.
"Sorry about you grandmother," He whispers.
"Thanks." I say back. "Goodnight."
Luke walks me to the door and hands me my pie again. "Goodnight."
I hear the door shut behind me and my footsteps keep me company as I begin to walk home. The cold wind swirls but the Styrofoam box is hot in my hands, and I realize that the pie is fresh from the oven.
Look for the final update in three or four days' time if all goes well. I have no idea how, but for some reason I've got it in my head that Lorelai's favorite pie is boysenberry. Any insight? Maybe it's because I think Cherry would be too normal for her.