Chapter 4

Three weeks later – weeks of avoidance and angry silence punctuated by bitter arguments – Sam cornered Kara in her office one evening.

"President Roslin's offered me a position on her security team." He stared at her bent head until she gave in and looked up at him. "I'm going to take it."

She swallowed hard. "But that means you'll be living on Colonial One."

"Yes," he clipped out, and then suddenly the anger drained out of him. He dropped into the chair opposite hers.

"Kara, I just can't do this any more. It's tearing me apart." He put his head in his hands. "You obviously don't want me here and I'm tired of banging my head against a brick wall."

Kara stared at his bent head, confused. She knew she should be upset, but all she felt was numb.

"I think we need some time apart."

He looked at her, waiting for her to say something.

"You're probably right." He was. It was better if he got away from her now. Before she wrecked his life too.

He seemed to slump in the chair. Then he took a deep breath and rose, slowly and carefully, as if it hurt him to move.

"Very well. You know where to find me if you change your mind."

Kara watched him go, staring at the closed hatch until the last echoes of his footsteps died away. Then she pulled a bottle of ambrosia out of her drawer and took a long swig.

Stared into Lee's blue eyes where he stood behind Sam's chair. Her lips curved in a bitter smile.

"See, Adama? I always told you I was a screw-up."

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Forty-eight hours later she found Helo sitting on her desk.

"What do you want Karl?"she asked sharply. Make it quick. I've got a pile of work to do."

Helo folded his arms. "I saw Sam before he left for Colonial One."

"Fascinating."

"He told me a few things." Helo paused, looking at her warily. "What the hell are you doing, Kara?"

"I don't know what you mean."

"Sam loves you. Really loves you. You shouldn't push him away like this."

"It was his decision to leave."

"Because you left him no alternative."

She had no answer to that. "Frak off, Helo."

Helo sighed. "Kara, you can't keep pushing everyone away. And you can't keep on the way you have been. The Old Man's been turning a blind eye to your drinking so far, but he won't forever. You'll end up discharged from the fleet; drunk, friendless, alone - is that what you want?"

She glared at him. "Why don't you tell me? You seem to think you know it all anyway."

Helo stood up from his perch on the desk. He took a few steps towards her, eyes holding hers.

"I know this much," he said with quiet force. "It isn't what Apollo would have wanted-"

He was silenced by Kara's fist across his mouth. He stumbled back, blood trickling from his lip.

"Don't you dare say that!" Kara yelled. "You barely knew him. You don't have a frakking clue what he would have wanted!"

Helo ruefully rubbed a hand across his mouth. "Kara-"

She was so angry she could barely speak. "Get out. Just get out."

He went.

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"I'm sorry to bother you, sir," said Helo, sitting awkwardly on the sofa in the Admiral's quarters. "I know you've had a lot on your mind since-" He broke off, looking down at the floor. "But I'm worried about her, and I don't know what else to do."

"Don't worry about it," said Adama gruffly. "I'd be more annoyed if you hadn't come to me." Something rippled across his face. "Kara's all the family I have left."

Helo didn't know what to say to that.

"I knew something was wrong," Adama went on after a moment, "from the way she's been avoiding me. But I thought Sam was looking after her."

"I think he tried," said Helo, responding to the accusation in the Admiral's tone. "But she wouldn't let him. You know Kara."

Adama's mouth twisted as he picked up his coffee mug. "I do."

"She won't let me either."

Adama looked at the lieutenant's bruised mouth with wry amusement. "I can see that. But you think I have a chance?"

Helo took a deep breath. "I think you're the only one who really understands how she feels."

Adama looked abruptly away. Helo could see the knuckles of his hand turn white where he clutched the glass.

After a pause that seemed to Helo to last forever, Adama looked back at him. He pretended not to notice the moisture in the Old Man's eyes. He couldn't imagine how it must feel, to lose both your sons. At least Adama had the President to help him through it. The whole ship knew that, though they would all have died before saying so.

"I'll do my best," said Adama roughly. He frowned. "The hard part will be getting her here. I don't want to have to order her – this is a family matter, not a military one."

Helo grimaced. "I hadn't thought-"

The Admiral interrupted him. "Don't worry, Lieutenant. Fortunately, I have a secret weapon."

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"Good morning, Captain Thrace."

Kara recognised the voice and swore inwardly. Anyone else and she would have stayed hidden under her viper, but even she drew the line at ignoring the President of the Colonies.

She pushed herself forward and reluctantly got to her feet. Laura Roslin stood by the wing, watching her with some amusement, while her entourage hovered a few discreet steps away. A quick glance reassured Kara that Sam wasn't among them.

"Madam President," she said gruffly, making to offer a hand and then catching it back as she remembered it was covered in grease.

"Please, call me Laura," said Roslin. "After all we went through on New Caprica, I think we can dispense with the formalities in private, don't you?"

"We're not exactly private," replied Kara, glowering at the watching entourage.

Roslin's lips curved ruefully. "Now I'm back in office, I'm afraid this is often as private as it gets."

Kara thought it was time to cut to the chase. "So, what can I do for you, Laura?" She hoped it wasn't another crazy mission of prophecy. Then again, maybe she did. She might manage to get herself killed properly this time.

"I wanted to talk to you about Bill," said Roslin. She suddenly looked uncharacteristically hesitant.

Bill? Kara couldn't think who she was talking about. It took her a good thirty seconds to process that Roslin was talking about Adama.

"The Admiral. Is something wrong?" Kara felt a sudden stab of guilt for the way she had been avoiding him. Had she missed something important?

Roslin sighed. "Nothing that hasn't been wrong for the past three months. He's carrying on as normal – you know him, he wouldn't allow himself to do anything less – but in private…" she trailed off. "He's taken it very hard. I'm worried about him."

Kara bit her lip. "What do you expect me to do about it?" she asked roughly. "I can't bring his sons back."

"No, but you can go and see him." Laura's voice was suddenly hard. "You haven't seen him in private since the memorial service, Kara. Not once. He misses you."

Kara found herself suddenly unable to look away from the President's gaze. "He hasn't asked me to visit," she mumbled, knowing it was a poor excuse.

"Of course not," said Roslin sharply. "You know him – he never likes to admit he needs anyone. But he does need you, Kara. You're all the family he has left."

Kara felt like a worm. "I know."

Roslin stared at her for a moment longer and then nodded as if satisfied. "I happen to know he's off duty this evening. You should drop by."

It wasn't a suggestion. "I will," said Kara, and she meant it. She felt so guilty. She couldn't believe how selfish she'd been, abandoning the Old Man when he needed her.

"Good," said Laura Roslin, and turned away, a small smile crossing her lips.

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"Starbuck," was all Adama said when he opened the hatch to his quarters; but his whole face lit up, and Kara felt even more guilty than she had in the hangar bay.

"I'm about to have some noodles," he said. "Care to join me?"

Kara nodded.

They ate mostly in silence, apart from some idle chatter about the new nuggets, simply enjoying each other's company. It reminded Kara of the old days, before the attacks, when he had sometimes invited her to dinner in his quarters. He'd had more leisure time then.

Kara found herself relaxing, and was surprised to discover she had finished the whole bowl of noodles. It was the first proper meal she had eaten in days.

Adama made them both a cup of coffee, and then settled back on the sofa.

"So. Kara." She heard the change in his voice, and braced herself. "How are you doing?"

She sent him a quick smile, hoping it looked convincing. He didn't need to be burdened with her problems. "I'm fine."

He glanced at her consideringly. "I heard about Sam."

Frak. Kara picked up her coffee. "Yeah well – it's a good opportunity for him. He was bored to death here. And it's not as if he's at the other end of the universe."

She could feel him watching her. "So this isn't permanent?"

"We just needed a little time apart. Everything will be fine."

"I'm glad to hear it."

Kara tensed for further probing, but it didn't come.

"I'm glad you came tonight," Adama said in a lighter voice. "I've got something I wanted to give you." Another oblique glance. "You've been a hard woman to track down recently."

"I'm sorry," she said with genuine sincerity. He heard it and smiled at her.

"Don't worry. I know how much work being the CAG entails. I sometimes thought Lee was going to disappear beneath the sea of paperwork."

Kara stiffened at the name, but she could hardly walk away, or object. If anyone was entitled to talk about Lee, he was, and she couldn't ignore his grief.

"What did you want to give me?" she asked, trying to keep her voice steady.

He stood up and walked over to his desk. "A photograph. I found it when I was going through Lee's things." His voice caught on the name this time. "I thought you might like to have it."

Kara's throat constricted. She stared at him wordlessly as he walked back towards her and dropped the photograph in her lap.

"Aren't you going to look at it?"

Kara picked it up with trembling fingers. As she looked at it, all the blood drained from her face. She remembered this photo. She had given it to Lee herself.

Cally had taken it, in the hangar bay after the tylium mission. Lee was grinning triumphantly into the camera, still wearing his flight collar. One arm was hooked round her shoulders, and he was smoking her last Caprica Blend cigar. She was holding a bottle of ambrosia and laughing up into his face.

A terrible pressure rose in her chest. Numbly she turned the photo over, to read the words she had written on the back.

'All right, you bastard. "I couldn't have done it better myself." Satisfied now?'

She stared at her scribbled writing for several moments until Adama's voice roused her. "Kara?"

The pressure in her chest was building inexorably, pressing against her eyes.

"He – he nagged me into that," she said finally, stumbling over the words. "Wouldn't rest until he got it writing-"

"I was so proud of him that day," said Adama quietly. "After all his doubts the night before-" He broke off raggedly. "But that was Lee all over. He never quite believed in himself, but he always rose to the occasion. Like the day he took over Pegasus."

Kara remembered. She remembered hearing Lee's voice over her comms, saying "I have the con", slightly panic-stricken at first, then firming into confidence as he issued the orders to get them out of trouble.

She'd known they were safe from the first word he spoke.

Adama was still speaking. "And that time he faced down Zarek at the Astral Queen. Gods, I was so angry with him over that one-"

And suddenly the pressure in Kara's chest burst. She bent over, choking and gulping, as the tears burst out of her in an unstoppable flood.

"Kara!"

She felt Adama's arms come round her, and she tried to jerk away, embarrassed and ashamed, but he wouldn't let her.

"Let it all out, Kara. Just let it all come out." He pulled her head against his shoulder.

She gave in and clung to him.

"I want him back," she gasped out between sobs. "I just want him back!"

"So do I," said Adama roughly. "So do I."

A long time later, when her tears had finally subsided, he set her away slightly so he could look into her eyes.

"I want you to make me a promise, Kara."

She nodded silently.

"I want you to try to get through this." He paused, his eyes holding hers firmly. "I know it's hard. Believe me, I know." His mouth twisted. "There are days when I look in the mirror and wonder what point there is in going on. But I do, because the fleet needs me, and it needs you. Especially now it's lost him."

Kara didn't know what to say.

"And if that's not enough, I need you. I need you to get through this, because you loved him as much as I did. Don't leave me."

Kara had thought she'd cried herself dry, but at that another tear trickled down her cheek. How could she deny him anything, after he'd said that? When the Old Man fought, he fought dirty.

"I promise," she said, and she meant it.