Chapter 9

That was the last time for a while that Lee felt like laughing. The next day the withdrawal symptoms Cottle had warned him about kicked in with a vengeance.

It seemed to Lee that he spent the next few days continuously vomiting, so violently that he was surprised he had any stomach lining left. He developed a fever, and when he wasn't vomiting he was shivering, so violently that he could almost hear his bones grinding together.

Worst of all, the dreams came back. Not with quite the same frequency or intensity as before, but bad enough. No matter how they began, they always ended with violence and horror. He lost count of the number of times he must have woken everyone in life station with his screams.

Through all this pain and indignity, three things kept him going.

The first was his own stubbornness. He wasn't going to let the Cylons win now.

The other two were Kara and his father. Lee wasn't aware of much a lot of the time, but he knew that one of them was always there by his bedside. They took shifts, making sure that he was never left alone. That someone was always there to give him a glass of water to clear his mouth of the vomit, to cover him with a blanket when he was shivering, to hold his hand and calm him when he woke screaming.

Lee couldn't have managed without them. He thought how lucky he was to have two people who cared for him so much, even if he couldn't remember why.

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After three weeks of unremitting hell, the worst of the withdrawal symptoms eased. Lee actually managed to eat some solid food and keep it down. His temperature dropped to normal levels. Best of all, the dreams finally disappeared. For the first time, he slept undisturbed through a whole night, and actually awoke feeling rested.

His memory hadn't come back, though. He'd asked Cottle about it and the doctor had honestly admitted that he didn't know when, or even if, it would. It was hard to hear, but Lee was just so relieved to be free of the drugs that he didn't care about much else.

The worst was over, but there was still a long way to go. His leg and his fingers were healing nicely, but it would be a long while before he was able to walk again, or even stand. After months imprisoned in a bed, his muscles were too weak and wasted to support him.

Cottle came up with a programme of exercises to strengthen his muscles, and Lee followed it doggedly. It helped to take his mind off how incredibly bored he was.

At first he'd had visitors to distract him. Once he was on the mend, Cottle had lifted his ban on visitors and a whole procession of people had trooped in to see him. So many that Lee couldn't help wondering if his father had ordered the whole ship to visit him. Perhaps he was hoping that the sight of one of them would jog Lee's memory.

If so, he was disappointed. The visitors confused Lee more than anything. It was simply too many people, one after the other, a mass of names he immediately forgot. Any familiarity in their faces was lost in the crowd.

Two visitors, however, stood out from the others.

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The first was a tall pilot with a good-natured face. When he first saw Lee he stood absolutely still for a moment, blinking, as if he couldn't believe Lee was really there.

"Hello," said Lee, and the man blinked again, recollecting himself.

"Sorry, Apollo," he said, folding himself into the chair by the bed. "I didn't mean to stare. It's just-"

"It's all right," said Lee wryly. "You're not the first one by a long shot. Coming back from the dead really seems to freak people out."

The pilot tried to smile, but didn't quite manage it. "It's just – the last time I saw you, you were barely breathing."

Lee stared at him for a moment, light dawning as he remembered something Cottle had said. "You're the pilot who was with me on the planet. The one I ordered to leave me behind."

The pilot nodded, looking surprised. "That's me. Do you remember?"

"No, Cottle told me."

"Oh." The pilot looked down at the floor. He was silent for a moment, and then he spoke, the words almost bursting out of him. "I'm sorry."

"For what?" asked Lee, puzzled.

"For leaving you there," the pilot said jerkily. "For leaving you to the Cylons. Kara told me what they did."

"Oh." Lee felt abruptly embarrassed. He knew that realistically everyone did know what the Cylons had done to him and the other prisoners. Of course they did. But he preferred not to think about it. He certainly didn't want to talk about it.

"Don't worry about it," he said stiffly, suddenly wishing the other man would leave.

"But it's my fault," the pilot persisted. "I shouldn't have left you there. I should have carried you, dragged you – done something. I might have got you to the raptor in time."

Lee felt abruptly sorry for him.

"Stop right there," he said impulsively, reaching out to touch the other man's arm. "Just answer a few questions for me."

"Of course," the pilot said, looking taken aback.

"First, what's your name?" Lee smiled, trying to set him at ease. "Everyone keeps forgetting they need to introduce themselves to me all over again."

That raised a small grin. "It is odd. I'm Lieutenant Karl Agathon, but everyone just calls me Helo."

Another bizarre call sign. Whoever assigned them must have had a strange sense of humour.

"Helo." Lee smiled again. "Next question. How far were we from the raptor when you left me behind?"

"Two miles."

"And the Cylons were right behind us?"

"Yes." Helo straightened in his chair, suddenly seeming to realise what Lee was trying to say.

"We wouldn't have made it to the raptor if you'd carried me," said Lee quietly. "And in any case, I'm your superior officer, aren't I?"

"Yes."

"It wasn't your fault, Helo," said Lee firmly. "If you hadn't left me, you wouldn't have been there to pilot the raptor, and everyone would have died. I ordered you to leave me, and now I'm ordering you to stop feeling guilty about it. Understand?"

"Yes sir," said Helo, giving him a mock salute, his face suddenly clear. "I understand."

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The second visitor who stood out was a woman. She slipped in so quietly that Lee didn't notice her for a few seconds.

"Hello," he said, smiling at her. She was very pretty, even in uniform.

"Hello Lee," she said, dark eyes watching him shrewdly. He couldn't tell what she was thinking. "I'm Anastasia Dualla, but everyone calls me Dee. I work in CIC."

Lee was grateful to finally meet someone who introduced themselves without having to be asked, and he smiled at her even more warmly. "Pleased to meet you, Dee."

She smiled back, but it didn't reach her eyes. "You don't remember me?" She sounded disappointed.

"No." Lee was so tired of apologising for this. "But don't take it personally. I didn't even recognise my father."

"Yes, but-" she smiled ruefully. "I suppose I just thought it might be different for me, considering our relationship-"

Lee stared at her. "Relationship?"

She nodded. "We were dating for nearly a year before you went missing."

"Dating?" Lee's head was whirling. "But what about-?" He broke off before he said Kara's name, remembering suddenly that she had told him their relationship was a secret.

But even if it was a secret, why would he be dating this Dee? Lee didn't want to think he was a two-timer. Or the kind of man who'd use one woman as a cover for his relationship with another.

He realised Dee was watching him curiously, and pulled himself together. "Were we dating right up until I went missing?"

She shook her head. "We ended it a few months before. But we stayed friends."

Lee breathed a sigh of relief. That explained it. His relationship with Kara must have started after he broke up with Dee. That made sense. Dee was pretty, and seemed nice enough, but she simply paled in comparison to Kara. There was certainly nothing between them similar to the magnetic pull he had felt towards Kara from the very first, even before he knew who she was.

Dee's smile had disappeared and he suddenly realised how rude he was being.

"I'm glad we stayed friends," he said hurriedly. "I need all the friends I can get at the moment."

"Well you can count on me." Dee smiled, but again it didn't quite reach her eyes. "I'll visit again, but I have to go now – I'm due in CIC."

Lee nodded. "Thanks for visiting."

He watched her as she walked gracefully away, and couldn't help smiling as he saw a familiar blonde head appear through the hatch. He hadn't seen her yet today.

Kara stopped when she saw Dee. The two women exchanged a few words. Lee couldn't hear what was said, but he could see the stony look on Kara's face. She obviously didn't get on with Dee. Not surprising, if Dee was his ex-girlfriend.

Dee left, and Kara walked towards Lee, scowling.

"What was she doing here?"

"She just came to say hello," said Lee neutrally. "And to tell me she used to be my girlfriend." He decided it was best to get it out into the open.

"Do you remember her?" asked Kara. Her tone was casual, but the look in her eyes wasn't.

"No," he said honestly, and Kara smiled.

"Good. That's one person I'm quite happy for you to forget."

Lee decided it might be a good idea to change the subject.

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The initial flood of visitors died down soon enough, and Lee found himself with large amounts of free time and nothing to do with it.

A few people still came to see him regularly.

His father, of course. He visited every day. He didn't seem sure what to talk about at first, until Lee asked a few questions about his childhood. He was desperate to fill in some of the gaping holes where his memories should have been. His father seemed to find it awkward talking about the past at first, but after a while he relaxed, and soon Lee didn't even need to prompt him with questions. He told Lee about his mother, and his brother Zak, who were both dead now. He told story after story of the trouble Lee and Zak had got into as kids, and Lee drank them all in, trying to understand who he was. Who Lee Adama had been.

Helo came every few days to play triad, sneaking in alcohol and convincing the nurses to look the other way with a few smiles.

Chief Tyrol and Cally were also regular visitors, both separately and together, sometimes bringing their baby son with them. Cally bullied Lee into holding the baby and much to his surprise, they both survived the experience unscathed.

He tried to thank her once for visiting him, but she stopped him with a look.

"You don't owe us anything," she said firmly. "You've saved both our lives in the past, and we don't forget that."

Laura Roslin came to see him every time she visited Galactica. Lee looked forward to her visits. She was one of the few people who never danced around the topic of his amnesia. The first time she'd visited she'd asked him bluntly if there was anything he wanted to know, and since then she'd patiently answered every question he'd asked her about the fleet, about past events, about himself…whatever he needed. Lee knew there was something going on between her and his father, and he heartily approved, though he wasn't sure he'd ever get up the courage to tell either of them that.

Most of the pilots dropped in at least once a week. Kara had told him that he used to have her job as CAG and had been in charge of the pilots. It seemed that he'd been a good boss, if they were willing to take time out of their busy lives to visit him. Lee was touched.

Dee was another regular visitor, although Lee noticed she was careful to time her visits to coincide with Kara's CAP shifts. He didn't mention her visits to Kara. Not that he was hiding anything, but he didn't want to cause any trouble either. Not after all Kara had done for him.

Even though he was recovering now, she still spent several hours with him every day. Sometimes they just joked and chatted. Other times they played triad, at which she was irritatingly good. Lee had only beaten her once so far, but he was determined to do it again. Sometimes she had paperwork to do, and he'd sit and watch her as she worked.

Whatever they did, it was the high point of his day. When he was with her all his boredom, his frustration at his slow progress, just drained away. He was content to just be.

He valued her company the most on the bad days. As frustrating as his memory loss was, at least it meant he didn't remember his time as a prisoner of the Cylons very clearly. Lee knew that was a blessing. The brief flashbacks he had of it were bad enough. Just little things set them off; a tone of voice, an expression, a flash of metal – and suddenly his surroundings disappeared and he would be immersed in helplessness and terror. It left him shuddering inwardly for hours afterwards.

Kara always seemed to know when he'd had a flashback, even though he never said so. She never tried to talk to him about it. Instead she would distract him by talking about her day, telling stories so that he didn't have to make the effort to talk back, until he finally relaxed and drifted off to sleep.

In the end, it was the very fact that she didn't ask about the flashbacks that got him to talk about them. One evening the floodgates finally opened and he found himself interrupting her story about her latest run-in with Kat and just pouring it all out. What he remembered about being a prisoner. The dreams, the flashbacks. How it had all felt.

She listened in silence as he choked it all out, pretending not to notice when his voice broke or when tears escaped despite his best efforts to hold them back.

When he finished, she still didn't comment. Just handed him a tissue and said: "Better now?"

It was, a little. He felt lighter, somehow, as if talking about the memories had purged the worst of them.

It wasn't completely better. He wasn't sure it ever would be, or that the scars of what the Cylons had done to him would ever heal entirely. But he thought that now he might find it easier to bear.