Chapter 10

One night Kara fell asleep over her paperwork, her head falling onto the blanket next to Lee's arm. She was still there when Cottle came to check in on him.

"I'm not surprised," the doctor said gruffly. "She's been burning the candle at both ends for months, keeping up with the CAG workload and spending time with you. It was bound to catch up with her eventually."

Lee felt like an idiot. He'd never thought to wonder how Kara found the time to sit with him several hours a day. They were at war, and she was the CAG. She could hardly slack off on her duties to spend time with him. She was just cutting down on her sleep instead.

"Let's move her somewhere more comfortable," said Cottle. He tried to rouse her, but Kara was too deeply asleep, and in the end he and a nurse carried her to an empty bed. She didn't even stir, and Lee realised just how exhausted she must be. He could have kicked himself for not noticing before.

He wished there was something he could do to help her, but he was useless, trapped in this damned bed. Not that he could remember how to do his job even if he were physically able to. He slammed his hand against the mattress in frustration, and the crackle of paper made him realise she'd left her paperwork behind.

He picked one of the papers up, scanning it curiously. He didn't remember anything about being the CAG himself, but he wasn't stupid. He might be able to help.

Anyway, he had nothing better to do.

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Kara opened her eyes and wondered where she was.

"Morning, young lady." Cottle's voice provided her answer. "Next time you decide to collapse, try doing it in your own rack. I need these beds for sick people."

Kara rolled her eyes and sat up. "Morning to you too, Doc."

"Seriously," said Cottle, fixing her with a fierce stare, "get some proper sleep. I don't want to have to speak to the Admiral about you."

Kara stared at him. "Was that a threat?"

"Definitely."

"Thought so." Kara scowled and looked at her watch. "Frak! I've got a briefing in half an hour. I'd better go."

She jumped up and headed for the hatch, but Cottle's voice stopped her.

"You might want to collect your paperwork first. I think you left it with Apollo."

"Frak!" Kara muttered again. She pulled back the curtain to Lee's cubicle to find his head bent over said paperwork.

He looked up and smiled at her. "Hey, you're awake."

"As you see." Kara's heart caught at his smile, as always. She still wasn't used to him smiling at her like that; glad and welcoming, and not trying to hide it. He'd never done it before he lost his memory. There had always been a reservation in his smile, a wariness.

Not any more. Although of course now he didn't remember that he had a reason to be wary.

"What are you doing with those?" she asked, trying to settle herself. "You must be really bored if you find half-done flight rosters entertaining reading."

"I am really bored," said Lee, and Kara started at his tone. She had been joking, but he sounded deadly serious.

"Actually, I did more than just read them." He sounded nervous now. "I finished them for you."

"You finished them?"

"Well, I had a go. Here, have a look." He held out the papers.

Kara took them and quickly looked through, easily identifying his irritatingly neat handwriting amid her scrawl. Her eyes widened. He hadn't done badly. A couple of his pairings wouldn't work because of inexperience or personality clash, but he wasn't to know that. Best of all, he'd managed to solve the particular scheduling problem that had been driving her mad the night before.

"I'm sorry," Lee said suddenly, making her look up. "I shouldn't have interfered. I've probably made you even more work-"

"No you haven't," said Kara quickly. "I'd been struggling with that Thursday night schedule for hours, and you've solved it. I can't believe I didn't think of that before." She looked at him curiously. "Are you beginning to remember things, do you think?"

Lee sighed heavily. "I don't think so. Although the roster – it did look familiar. It was weird – I could almost feel how to fill it in, but when I tried to think about it too hard, it just went away." He stopped, struggling for words.

"Like you're holding all the knowledge in your hands, but if you try to grasp it, it slips through your fingers," said Kara.

Lee smiled at her gratefully. "Exactly like that."

"Look, I've got to go," said Kara, glancing at the clock. "Briefing. I'll see you later."

"Get some sleep first," said Lee firmly.

Kara looked at him in surprise and could have groaned at his face. That stubborn look was all too familiar. That was his I-know-what's-best-for-you-Kara-even-if-you-don't expression.

"Lee-"

"I saw how exhausted you were last night, Kara. You've been skipping sleep to see me, haven't you?"

"Would you rather I didn't come?" she said defensively.

"Don't be stupid," he said impatiently. "Seeing you is the best part of my day. You know that."

She didn't, actually. Kara's heart warmed to hear it.

"But I don't want you making yourself ill because of me. I mean it."

Kara grinned at him. "That commander voice never works on me, Lee. But I'll think about it."

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She got some sleep. She figured that she could deal with either Lee or Cottle alone, but both was pushing it.

When she woke, she went to see Adama.

"It's about Lee."

Adama tensed immediately. "Is he all right? Cottle didn't say anything-"

"He's fine," said Kara hurriedly. She hadn't meant to worry him. "Apart from being bored out of his brain, that is."

"Well, there's not much I can do about that. He won't be fit for duty for a long time yet."

"He's fit enough to do paperwork," said Kara.

Adama turned to her, frowning. "What do you mean?"

Kara told him about the flight rosters. "Looks like all his knowledge about the fleet is in there somewhere, sir. He's just having trouble accessing it."

"So what do you suggest?" Adama was watching her thoughtfully.

"That I get him to help me with the CAG paperwork." She smiled ruefully. "You know it's never been my strong point."

"I'm not sure about this," said Adama. "I don't want to put any pressure on him. Cottle says his memories will return in their own time, that we shouldn't force them."

"We're not forcing them," said Kara. "And this isn't really his memories – it's his knowledge. It's like re-learning what he already knows. It might help. I think it'll do him more good than sitting in life station brooding about being useless."

Adama raised an eyebrow. "Is he? He's never said anything to me."

"Me either," said Kara. "But he is."

"How do you know?"

"Because he's Lee."

Adama grinned at that. "True enough. So you think paperwork is the answer?"

Kara's lips twitched. "Yes, although I can't believe I'm saying that. I expect to be struck down by the gods at any moment."

Adama laughed outright. "Very well. Go ahead. I've probably got some paperwork he can have a look at as well."

Kara glanced at his bookshelves. "Have you got any fleet textbooks among that lot? I could take them for him to read."

"I think so," said Adama. "Hang on and I'll dig them out."

Kara sat and watched as he scanned the shelves. "There's another reason to do this, sir."

"There is?"

"You know there is. We're seriously short of senior officers. We need Lee back at work, amnesia or not."

She thought Adama was going to snap at her for a moment, but then he nodded. "I know," he said quietly. "But I won't push him. We can manage without him a while longer." He fixed Kara with a hard stare. "I'll be keeping a close eye on his progress."

She smiled. "I wouldn't expect anything less."

Kara eventually left with two fat textbooks on aeronautical engineering and strategy, a copy of fleet regulations, and a pile of reports that needed to be summarized.

She couldn't help grinning as she looked down at the pile in her arms. Only Lee could find a cure in study and paperwork.

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Being Lee, of course, he thrived on it.

Kara was encouraged to see that she had been right. Gradually his old knowledge seemed to be rising to the surface. He whizzed through every fleet textbook in Adama's office, saying it all seemed familiar. The reports were concisely and accurately summarised. Following a crash course from Kara on every pilot's abilities and experience, he started doing all the flight rosters. After a few weeks, there was barely a mistake in them. After a few months, he was doing almost all her paperwork, and a large amount of the XO's, leaving Kara and Kelly more time for the active part of their duties. Kara found she actually had time to sleep and eat again. And as for Lee – she was pleased to see his brooding restlessness vanish entirely. He was busy and challenged and happy. He stopped worrying so much about recovering his memory.

He was improving physically too. He'd put on weight and the exercises he conscientiously did every day were strengthening his muscles. His leg had nearly healed completely now, and Cottle produced a pair of crutches. Kara was amused to see it was the same pair she had used when her own leg was healing. She insisted on presenting them to Lee, and calling them the crutches of death. She knew the joke was lost on him, but his puzzled face only made it funnier.

The first time he ventured out of life station she took him to the observation lounge. She'd thought he might like to see the stars after being trapped in the ship for so long. After all, she knew Lee was a pilot at heart, even if he didn't.

His face lit up as soon as they entered the room, and she knew she'd been right. She helped him to a seat by the window; it hadn't been a long walk from life station but he was out of breath. He didn't take his eyes off the view the whole time.

Kara took the seat next to him and they sat there in silence, gazing out at the stars. She was glad she'd cleared out the lounge in advance. She didn't want anything to disturb this quiet moment between them.

She looked again at his rapt face and couldn't help smiling.

"Beautiful, isn't it?" she said.

Lee tore his eyes away from the glass to look at her, and smiled back.

"As beautiful as you."

Kara couldn't believe her ears. For several seconds she just sat there, staring at him, mouth wide open. Had he really just said what she thought he had?

Lee looked puzzled by her reaction. "Come on, Kara. Anyone would think I'd never told you that you were beautiful before."

She finally found her voice. "You haven't."

It was Lee's turn to look astonished. "I haven't?" His look turned to rueful. "Gods, I must have been the worst boyfriend ever."

Boyfriend? It took Kara a moment to work out what he meant. Then she remembered that he thought they'd been dating before his capture.

She felt slightly guilty. She really ought to correct that. Not that she'd actually lied to him. She'd told him they were in love and he'd assumed the rest followed. As of course anyone would.

But if she told him the truth, then he'd ask questions, and she'd have to tell him all the rest of it. The whole twisted history of their relationship. And she couldn't quite face that. Truth be told, the very thought scared her to death. She was afraid he might find it all too much to deal with and just walk away.

After all, he'd walked away from her in the past. And that Lee had loved her. This one didn't even know her. What reason was there for him to stay? Or even try to understand?

No, it was better to keep the pretence up for now. She couldn't face losing him just yet. Maybe later – when he was stronger – she'd tell him then.

She would eventually. Of course she would.

She realised suddenly that he was still waiting for an answer.

"You weren't that bad," she said, trying to keep her voice steady.

He grinned. "Yeah, right. Well, at least now you have the chance to change all that. You can train me out of all my bad habits. One of the few benefits of amnesia."

She couldn't help grinning back. "Did I mention that you used to bring me a cup of coffee in my rack? Every morning?"

He grimaced. "That won't be easy with crutches."

Kara laughed. "I'm sure you'll find a way."

She stared at him for a moment, suddenly inexpressibly happy that he was here. Here to tease and laugh with, as she'd once thought they would never do again.

"I'm sorry, Lee," she said suddenly.

He turned to look at her, alarmed by her sudden change of tone. "For what?"

"For leaving you behind."

He looked puzzled. "I don't understand."

"I should have gone back for you," she said fiercely. "I wanted to. When Helo said he hadn't actually seen you die, I was going to take my Viper and go back for you."

"You were?"

"But the others talked me out of it. They said it was hopeless, that you were already dead."

"They were right," he said softly.

"No, they weren't! You were still alive!"

"But none of you could have known that," he said, in an infuriatingly reasonable tone. "The Cylons picking me up was a fluke. It was only logical to assume that I had died of my wounds-"

"But I'm not logical!" she flashed back. "I'm Starbuck, and I trust my instincts. My instincts were telling me you were alive, and I should have listened to them. Instead I listened to them and their logic, and you spent months in hell as a result."

He caught her face between his hands, forcing her to look at him. "Kara, listen to me. It's not your fault. Even if you had come back for me, what could you have done? The Cylons took me long before you could have got there. You couldn't have stopped them."

"I could have rescued you," she said stubbornly.

His lips twitched. "From a Cylon prison ship? All by yourself?"

She glared at him. "I would have had a damn good try."

The amusement died out of his face, to be replaced by some emotion she couldn't identify.

"You're serious, aren't you?" he said wonderingly.

"Yes."

"You really do something that suicidal? For me?"

"Of course," she said without hesitation.

"But why?" he said, looking genuinely confused. "Why would you do that?"

"Because you're Lee," she said simply, because it was that simple for her. She would do anything for him, she'd always known that. She'd known that she would die to save him long before she could admit to herself that she loved him.

He stared at her for a moment in silence, eyes suddenly bright. She lost herself in that vivid blue gaze, wondering what he was thinking.

"Oh Kara," he said finally. "I know I don't deserve that." He leaned forward, and she realised that his hands were still cupping her face.

"I can see why I loved you," he said, and then he kissed her.

It was nothing like any of the kisses he had given her before. No surprise or awkwardness, as there had been on the Astral Queen. No anger or desperation, as there had been that night in the bunkroom. This was something else.

Affection. Gratitude. Desire. Maybe even love.

He drew away from her finally, and she stared at him, gasping. "What was that?"

He grinned at her. "Don't tell me I never kissed you before either. I refuse to believe I was as bad a boyfriend as that."

She tried to match his light tone. "Don't worry, Lee. You've kissed me."

"I wish I remembered it." His smile turned wicked. "Perhaps it might jog my memory if we tried it again?"

Kara's reply was cut off by his lips descending on hers, so she shrugged mentally and kissed him back. Who knew when she might get another chance?

Lee's memory didn't come back that evening. But they spent a long time trying to jog it.