Chapter 11

A few days later, Kara told Lee she was going to Colonial One.

"I'm taking the President some reports from your father. He's swamped at the moment."

It was true, although she didn't say that she had offered to go. She had another reason to go to Colonial One.

Sam. She needed to talk to him. Should have done so a long time ago, but she'd kept putting it off, not wanting to face it.

After the evening in the observation lounge, she knew it was time. Part of her still loved Sam, but she belonged with Lee, and nothing was going to change that.

It was time to let Sam go.

She dealt with her business with the President quickly enough, but when she went to Sam's quarters, she discovered he was on one of the other ships, checking advance security for Roslin's visit there tomorrow. Kara sighed and settled down to wait for him. If she went back to Galactica she wasn't sure she'd get up the nerve to come over here again.

It was several hours before Sam turned up. He looked slightly surprised to see her, but let her into his quarters without comment.

Kara looked around while he checked in with the head of the security team. He had a lot more space than she did in Galactica. Not to mention a private bathroom, which she took advantage of.

Bad idea. She couldn't help noticing the scented shampoo bottle in the shower, or the long hairs in the brush by the basin. Her stomach twisted for a moment, but then she reminded herself that she could hardly blame him. She hadn't seen or even spoken to him for months, after all.

When she stepped out of the bathroom he'd finished his call and was waiting for her, unsmiling.

"So, Kara. Why are you here?"

Blunt and to the point, but perhaps that was best. She wasn't sure she could take any more waiting. She launched into her prepared speech.

He heard her out expressionlessly. "Well, I can't say I'm surprised. I've been expecting this ever since I heard Lee Adama was still alive." He smiled thinly. "You'll forgive me if I don't wish you well."

Kara winced, but she knew she deserved it. "So you won't contest the divorce?"

"No." He walked over to the tiny porthole. "I've got my own life to get on with."

"So I see," she couldn't help saying sharply.

He swung round at that, frowning. "This was your choice, Kara. Not mine."

"I know," she said, her anger dying as quickly as it had sparked. "I'm sorry, Sam. I really am. I didn't think it would turn out like this."

"I just don't understand," he said. "If you loved him that much, why did you marry me?"

Silence. Kara stared at him, frozen, trying to think what to say. How to explain it to him without hurting him any more than she already had.

"It's complicated," she said finally, looking down at the floor. She didn't know what else to say.

She heard him sigh. "Everything always is with you."

"I'm sorry," she said again.

"Kara, just go," he said impatiently. "This is pointless. I'll let you know when the papers are ready to sign."

She went. She walked numbly down the corridors to the shuttle, trying to ignore the tearing pain in her chest. She hadn't thought this would be so hard.

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Lee sat propped up in bed, summarising the results of a recent equipment inventory for his father. He'd been down to the hangar bay earlier to collect the inventory from the Chief, and it had tired him more than he wanted to admit. He was secretly glad of the chance to rest for a while.

"Hi Lee. Hard at work, I see."

Lee looked up and smiled. "Hi Dee. What are you doing down here?"

She grimaced. "Just had a shot, unfortunately. I hate needles."

Lee agreed whole-heartedly. "Arm throbbing?" he asked sympathetically.

"And then some." Dee hesitated. "Well, I won't keep you. I just wanted to say hi."

"No time for a chat?" asked Lee, slightly disappointed. He enjoyed Dee's company.

She smiled awkwardly. "Well, if you don't mind-"

Lee grinned, suddenly realising why Dee was hesitating. "Relax, Dee. Kara's gone to Colonial One. She won't be back for hours."

Dee looked slightly embarrassed, but she sat down. "Am I that obvious?"

"Let's just say I've noticed you only visit when she's elsewhere," said Lee diplomatically.

"She's disliked me since the moment I started dating you," said Dee ruefully. "I just wasn't good enough for her best friend."

Lee smiled to himself. He knew there was rather more to it than that.

"She seems to think she has a gods-given right to interfere in your life."

Lee shifted uncomfortably, suddenly regretting asking Dee to stay. He really didn't want to hear what she thought about Kara.

"I thought it might get better when she got married," Dee was going on, "but it obviously hasn't. She's still trying to run your life for you – she's even got you doing her paperwork!"

Lee wasn't listening. His mind had frozen at one word.

"Did you say 'married'?"

Dee stopped in mid-flow. "What?"

"Did you say Kara was married?"

"Well yes." Dee looked puzzled. "Isn't that why she's gone to Colonial One?"

Lee gritted his teeth. "What do you mean?"

"Well, that's where her husband works," said Dee, looking bewildered. "He's one of the president's security team. I just assumed she'd gone to see him. She doesn't get to see him very often, as she's so busy here. It must be hard for them, being apart for so long. One of the penalties of military life, I guess."

She trailed off suddenly, looking at Lee's set face.

"You didn't know, did you?" she said slowly. "She didn't tell you."

"No, she didn't." Lee felt as if each word was being wrenched out of him. "Obviously she didn't think it was important."

Dee put a comforting hand on his arm. "I'm sure she had her reasons."

Lee didn't care about reasons. Kara had lied to him. He'd trusted her and she'd lied to him. He couldn't think beyond that.

"How long have they been married?" he asked slowly. He felt as if his entire world had just turned upside-down.

"Just over a year," said Dee. "I went to the wedding."

"I see." Lee pulled his arm out from under her hand. "No offence, Dee, but would you mind leaving me alone? I need to think."

"Of course," said Dee readily, standing up. "I understand."

"Thanks."

"Will you be okay?" she asked, looking down at him with concern. "I could come back later-"

"I'll be fine," said Lee firmly. He just wanted to be alone.

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As soon as Dee had gone Lee buried his head in his hands.

He couldn't believe it. How could Kara be married? She'd said she loved him. She'd said they were a couple. How could they be if she was married?

Maybe it wasn't true, he thought hopefully. Maybe Dee was lying. After all, she'd made it fairly clear she didn't like Kara.

He called to one of the nurses, who was making the adjoining bed.

"What can I do for you, Lee?" she said, smiling. He'd got to know all the nurses very well after so long in life station.

"Dee was just telling me about Kara's wedding," he said, carefully casual. "Did you go?"

"Oh yes," said the nurse, smiling widely. "I was down on New Caprica at the time, and they invited the whole colony to the party afterwards. It was lovely to see Starbuck looking so happy. She's been through a lot, that girl."

Lee's hopes shrivelled away to nothing.

"And her husband lives on Colonial One?" he said hollowly.

The nurse nodded. "He stayed here for a while, but it was hard for him. He's not military and there wasn't really a place for him here. He's got a good job now working for the president, but I know it can't be easy for them living on different ships."

"It can't," said Lee mechanically. Fortunately at that moment one of the other patients called out for the nurse. She smiled at Lee apologetically and slipped away.

Lee sat there for a long time, staring dully into space. Remembering.

Remembering how Kara had been so insistent that he not mention their romantic relationship to anyone.

Remembering how awkward she'd looked, almost guilty, when he made that joke about being the worst boyfriend ever.

She'd lied to him.

He only had himself to blame. He'd liked her, felt drawn to her, and so he'd never stopped to question anything she'd told him, had accepted it all at face value.

He wondered why she'd done it. Had she been bored, wanting to amuse herself? Had it been revenge, for something he'd done in the past and now couldn't remember?

If so, she'd succeeded. He'd believed her, trusted her completely. Considered her a friend.

In the observation lounge, he'd started to fall in love with her.

Lee made a strangled sound and buried his face in his pillow. Suddenly it hurt to breathe.

Gods, he'd been a fool.

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Kara headed straight for life station as soon as she stepped off the raptor. She needed to see Lee, let him cheer her up.

He was sitting in bed surrounded by paperwork, and she found herself just smiling at the sight of him. Suddenly Sam seemed a long way away.

"Hey Lee, I'm back," she said, perching on the side of the bed. "Miss me?"

"Not really." Lee didn't look up from his paperwork. "I've been busy. My world doesn't revolve around you, Kara."

Every muscle in Kara's body stiffened at his tone. She recognised that tone all too well, although she hadn't heard it since he lost his memory.

The last time she heard it had been in her office on Galactica, when he'd found out she was resigning from the fleet.

He still hadn't looked at her. Or smiled at her. He always smiled when she came to visit him.

"Lee, what's wrong?" Kara found herself sitting up straight, moving her shoulders back, bracing for attack.

"Why would anything be wrong?" Lee finally looked at her and Kara almost gasped out loud.

She hadn't seen this face for a long time either. Cold, shuttered expression, tightly set mouth, angry blue eyes boring into hers.

"Don't give me that crap, Lee," she said roughly, trying not to panic. "What happened while I was away?"

"Oh, you don't want to hear about my day," he said harshly. "I'm sure you had a far more interesting day. With your husband."

That one word immobilised Kara as effectively as a punch to the gut. She stared at him in utter shock, unable to form a coherent thought.

Oh, frak. Frak, frak, frak. Someone told him.

Gods, I'm such an idiot. How do I explain this now? With him looking at me like that?

She had to try.

"Lee, you don't understand-"

He cut her off. "What don't I understand? It all seems very clear to me. You lied to me."

"I didn't!"

"Yes, you did!" His eyes were blazing now. "You told me we were a couple."

"No, I didn't. I just let you assume it."

"Well, you definitely told me we were in love," he said sharply. "I remember that."

"That was true," she said desperately. "We were."

"How can it be true? You're married." He almost hurled the words at her.

"Yes, but – Lee, it's complicated." Those dreaded words again.

He glared at her. "It seems very simple to me. You're married. That's all that matters."

That did it. The contempt in his voice – in his eyes – was just too much. Brought back too many harsh memories.

"Oh that's just typical, Lee!" she exploded. "Everything always has to be perfect for you, and gods help us poor mortals if we don't live up to your standards. Well, things aren't always as black and white as you'd like to think. They're messy, and if you can't deal with that it's your problem."

"My standards?" He spat the words back at her. "Oh, my standards aren't that high, Kara. They just don't include adultery. Or lying to someone who's lost their memory."

"Lee-"

"Why did you do it, Kara?" he said harshly. "Was it a joke? Or was it payback for something I did to you in the past?"

"What do you mean?"

"Was that the plan? Make me fall in love with you, and then laugh in my face?"

"Lee!" Kara felt as if she'd been kicked in the ribs. "How can you even think I would – don't you know me at all?"

"No," he said bitterly. "I don't. I thought I did, but I don't."

"Lee. I didn't mean – if you'll just let me explain-"

"I don't care!" he shouted at her. The raw pain in his voice silenced her. "I trusted you. I trusted you, and you lied to me. How can you explain that? How can we get past that?"

Kara stared at him. The anger had died down in his face, and she could see now just how much she'd hurt him.

"We can't," she said hollowly. Oh, gods. She'd screwed it all up. Again.

"I'm sorry-" she began, but Lee cut her off. His brief loss of control was over; she could see his cold mask descending again.

"Kara, I don't want to hear it," he said flatly. "Just go."

"If that's what you want." She got to her feet slowly, feeling as if all the blood was draining out of her.

"And don't come back." His voice stopped her halfway to the hatch, cold and cutting. "I don't want to see you."

Kara nodded and stumbled out of life station, barely seeing where she was going.

She'd lost him again. But this time, she only had herself to blame.