Chapter 13

Kara walked out of the mess and headed wearily towards her office. She had a pile of paperwork waiting and there was little chance of Lee doing it for her at the moment.

She walked into her office and stopped dead to find it already occupied. Someone was sitting in the chair by her desk, crutches propped beside him, waiting for her.

"Lee." Her legs felt suddenly shaky. "What are you doing here?"

He folded his arms, face unsmiling. "Helo said you wanted to talk. So let's talk."

"Now?" Kara was taken aback. She had thought she'd have a bit more time to prepare.

"No time like the present," said Lee coldly. "And I think this talk is long overdue, don't you?"

"All right," said Kara grudgingly. She walked around the desk to her own chair and sat down. She pulled open her desk drawer and started rummaging.

"What are you looking for?"

"This," she said, pulling out another bottle of the Chief's home brew.

Lee looked slightly disapproving. "Kara, I don't think-"

"Look, if we're going to talk about our past, we're going to need some alcohol," said Kara brusquely. "Believe me."

Lee didn't argue any further, just watched silently as she poured them both a glass.

"Thanks," he said as she resealed the bottle. "Now talk."

Kara sighed. "Lee, would you just – look, talking about this is going to be difficult for me. And you're not making it any easier sitting there looking at me like you're a judge about to pass sentence."

Lee stiffened, and for a moment she thought he was going to snap back at her. But then something seemed to change inside him. His shoulders relaxed and his face softened slightly.

"I suppose – I'm just nervous about what you're going to say. And it frustrates me so much, not being able to remember all this myself."

"Cottle says there's every chance your memory will come back one day," said Kara softly. "You've just got to be patient."

Lee grimaced. "And have I ever been good at being patient?"

Kara thought about that. "No," she admitted, and they shared an amused look. The knots in Kara's stomach loosened and she took a deep breath. "I don't know where to begin."

"How about when we first met?"

"Okay. When we first met, I was dating your brother." She looked towards Lee, expecting some reaction, but he just nodded.

Kara stared at him. "You knew?"

"Yes, Dad let that bit of information drop the other day," said Lee, at his most sarcastic. "Thanks for keeping me posted."

"I'm telling you now, aren't I?" Kara snapped defensively. "Or I would be if you just shut up and let me."

"So sorry to interrupt. Please, carry on."

Kara firmly repressed her urge to punch the sarcastic smirk off his face and tried to remember what she had been saying.

"So, we met through Zak?" Lee prompted impatiently.

"Yes. You used to visit us on your breaks from War College. The three of us had some great times together." Kara took a deep breath as she faced the next bit of the story. It wouldn't be easy to say this, but she had vowed to herself that from now on she would be honest with Lee, however much it hurt. "But even then – we weren't just friends, you and I. There was always some spark, some attraction between us – I know we both felt it. But we never acted on it, never even spoke about it."

"Good," said Lee sharply. "I'm glad I'm not the kind of man who cheats on his own brother."

Kara bristled at the accusation in his voice. "I loved Zak," she said, glaring at him. "Whatever I felt for you, I loved your brother with my whole heart. Don't you dare suggest otherwise."

Lee looked down at the floor. "I'm sorry," he said quietly, surprising her. Apologies from Lee were rare.

"Dad said you were engaged," he continued softly.

"We were." Kara took a large gulp of the home brew. "But then he died."

"That must have been hard."

"It was," said Kara flatly. "Especially because it was my fault."

Lee's head jerked up at that. "Your fault?" He stared at her in confusion. "Dad said he died in a flying accident. How can it have been your fault?"

"Because I was his flight instructor." Kara wondered bitterly how badly she had offended the gods, that they would make her confess this to Lee twice. "And Zak failed his flight test. But I loved him, you see. Loved him too much to disappoint him. So I faked the results and passed him. And he died."

Silence. Kara drained her glass and slammed it down on her desk, waiting for the accusations, the blame. The disgust.

Instead a hand reached across the desk to grasp hers.

"Kara."

She looked up and met Lee's eyes, and what she saw in them nearly undid her. How could he look at her like that? She'd killed his brother.

"Kara," he said again, and she jerked her hand away.

"Don't comfort me, Lee," she said harshly. "Not about this."

He didn't even flinch at her tone. Just stared at her for a moment consideringly, and then leaned back in his chair. "All right."

"I killed him, Lee," she said again. He didn't seem to understand.

A flicker of annoyance crossed his face. "No, you didn't, Kara. The plane killed him. You just made a mistake."

"A mistake?" she stared at him incredulously. "That mistake destroyed your family, Lee. You blamed your father for Zak's death, for pushing Zak into being a pilot. You didn't speak to him for two years."

Lee's mouth fell open. "He never told me about that."

"And I could have stopped it." Kara pushed on, fighting back the tears. "I should have told you what I'd done, who was really to blame. But I was too selfish to do that. I couldn't bear to lose you as well as Zak. And your father paid the price for it." She took a shuddering breath. "I tried to make it up to him, Lee. I did. I joined Galactica, tried to be the family he'd lost. And I did do the right thing in the end. I told you what I'd done, and you started talking to him again."

"You did? How did I take it?"

"You didn't say much. I think you were too shocked. And – well, it was in the middle of the Cylon attack. There were other things going on."

"But we talked about it later, right?"

"Once," said Kara, remembering. "Well, you talked. You said that you were glad I'd told you and that I shouldn't blame myself."

"Doesn't look like you paid much attention," said Lee drily.

Kara couldn't meet his eyes. "Can we talk about something else?" She poured herself another glass of home brew.

"Okay," said Lee neutrally. "Let's move on. So, the Cylons attacked and I ended up on Galactica. Dad told me about that. What happened with us?"

"We were friends again. Almost inseparable." Kara couldn't help smiling as she remembered those days. "I hadn't realised how much I'd missed you. It was like going back to the days before Zak died."

"But?" said Lee. "I can hear there's a but."

Kara sighed. "But that spark I was talking about was still there. Soon I wanted more from you than friendship. And I couldn't have it."

"Why not?"

Kara laughed bitterly. "Let me count the reasons, Lee. You were my direct superior officer, for a start."

"Somehow I don't think you're the kind of person who's ever cared much for regs," said Lee mildly.

"Yes, but you are," said Kara sharply. "You'd never risk your career for a frak."

"Perhaps that depends who it was with," Lee said slowly.

His eyes were deadly serious. For a moment Kara almost lost herself in them, before she pulled herself back to reality with a sharp jerk. He didn't mean what he was saying. He didn't even remember what she was talking about.

"It wasn't just regs," she snapped. "Try Zak's ghost. Try the fact that we're at each other's throats most of the time. Try the fact that you were the best friend I had left in the world and I wasn't about to risk that." She laughed sourly. "Although, being me, I screwed up our friendship anyway."

"How?"

"A stupid impulse, that's how. There was a party. For the Vice-President's election." She clenched her hand around the glass. "You'd been winding me up about my hygiene, and I decided to dress up to shock you. Make-up, hair, glam dress – the whole works." She snorted. "I still can't believe I did something so unbelievably girly."

"Did it work?" Lee leaned forward to refill his glass, but his eyes didn't leave her face.

Kara couldn't help smirking. "Oh, it worked, Adama. Your eyes practically fell out of your head. We started dancing, and I thought-"

"You thought?"

Kara stared intently at the papers on her desk. "I thought that maybe something was finally going to happen between us. But then someone else asked me to dance, and you left. And you didn't come back." She shrugged, determinedly casual. "Maybe you had second thoughts. Came to your senses. I don't know."

"I wish I did," Lee muttered. "So, what happened then?"

"I was upset," Kara said, trying to excuse what came next. "And drunk. So I went home with another guy. One night stand. The next day, you found out, and – well, let's just say you weren't too happy. We had a very public fight in the middle of the hangar bay."

"As bad as the one in life station?" asked Lee. Kara could see he was trying to get her to smile.

She didn't.

"Worse," she said briefly. "We punched each other in the face and you basically called me a slut."

"Oh." Lee suddenly wasn't smiling either.

"I thought you hated me," said Kara quietly. "So when President Roslin asked me to go on a suicidal mission to Caprica, I was all for it."

She fell silent for a moment, swirling the dark liquid in her glass.

"I don't know what to say to that," said Lee. "Except that a) I'm sorry and b) I'm obviously a complete idiot if I abandoned you on a dance floor wearing a glam dress."

Kara looked up at him. He was smiling ruefully, and to her amazement, she felt an answering smile tug at her own lips.

"Well, you are an idiot," she said. "I've never hesitated to tell you so."

"And you're always right."

"Always," she said firmly, and they both laughed. Kara took a full breath for the first time since she had started this.

"Where was I?" she asked.

"Suicidal mission to Caprica," said Lee, leaning back in his chair. "Obviously it wasn't suicidal."

"Not quite." Kara didn't want to talk about the Cylon hospital. "That was where I met Sam. He was part of the Caprican resistance."

"And it was love at first sight?" Lee's tone was light, but Kara could see the muscles around his mouth tighten.

"In a way." She sighed. "I was so confused and upset about you, and there was Sam. Easy. Unthreatening. Accepting me just the way I was. We only had a few days together, but it was intense. I couldn't bear it when I had to leave him."

Lee looked surprised. "You didn't bring him back to the fleet?"

"Not that time. We only had one raptor, and he wouldn't leave his friends. But I promised to come back for him."

"And you did."

"Eventually." Kara emptied her glass. "So I came back to the fleet, my thoughts full of him, and then I saw you. And you kissed me. Everything I felt for you came back with blinding force. And I was utterly confused all over again."

"I kissed you?" Lee grinned. "Okay, I am now less of an idiot."

"Don't flatter yourself, Apollo," said Kara sourly. "You then proceeded to tell me that you loved me."

"I did?"

"You did," said Kara grimly. "You then laughed it off, denied it, told me I was dreaming, and never referred to it again."

Lee's face fell. "Obviously there was still some idiocy at work."

"We just went back to being friends," said Kara bitterly. "Friends and nothing more. So I went back to thinking about Sam. Tried to arrange his rescue, but your father and Roslin wouldn't allow it. I felt more and more guilty about leaving him behind. He was all I thought about, except when I was with you - and that only made me feel even more guilty. I started drinking."

She looked down at the desk again. She couldn't get the next bit out while looking at him.

"Then one night the two of us were alone drinking in the rec room. We'd just lost some of our pilots, and I thought that I could be next, and if I didn't do what I wanted now, I might not have another chance. So I kissed you." She heard Lee's indrawn breath. "And then – then we ended up in the bunkroom."

"Oh," said Lee. She still couldn't look at him. "So we-"

"No, we didn't." Kara's mouth twisted. "I freaked out. The more I touched you, the more it felt like I was betraying Sam. As if by being with you I was abandoning him, when I'd promised him I'd come back." She sighed. "You could tell something was wrong, and when you called me on it, I just lashed out. I told you there was nothing between us and you were just a quick lay."

She held her breath, waiting for his reaction, eyes fixed firmly on the desk.

"Ouch," said Lee finally. She could hear the wince in his voice. "You hit hard, Kara."

"Yeah." She laughed harshly. "Not surprisingly, you kind of gave up on us after that. You started seeing Dee soon after."

"And you went back for Sam?"

"Yes." Kara finally made herself look at him. What she saw surprised her. His face held none of the anger or accusation she had been expecting. He just looked sad.

It gave her the courage to say the next part. "But first, I shot you."

"What?" Lee's eyebrows practically disappeared into his hairline. "You shot me?"

Kara nodded. Her hands were trembling against her glass. "Some terrorists took over a bar on one of the civilian ships, and you were one of the hostages. I went in to get you, but my cover was blown. People started shooting, and in all the chaos-"

"So that's where I got my other bullet scar," said Lee. "I had wondered." He reached once more for the bottle. "You weren't kidding when you said we'd need plenty of alcohol to get through all this."

"I'm sorry, Lee," said Kara abruptly. He looked at her in surprise. "I didn't mean to do it, really I didn't. It was an accident."

Puzzled blue eyes stared into hers. "Well of course it was. That kind of situation – bullets whizzing everywhere – anything could have happened. Why would you even think-?" He broke off, looking suddenly stricken. "Please don't tell me I threw it in your face."

"Only the once," said Kara, trying to dismiss it, but he went even paler.

"Kara, I'm so sorry. I don't remember it, but I'm so sorry. I can't believe-"

"Don't get so wound up about it." Kara couldn't bear that he should feel guilty when he was the one who'd been shot. "We sorted it out. Patched things up. You even helped me plan the mission to rescue Sam."

That distracted him. "I did?"

Kara nodded. "We never spoke about it, but I think we each decided that it was better to stay friends and nothing more."

"And how long did that last?" asked Lee sceptically.

"Until I told you I was leaving the fleet and marrying Sam," said Kara. "You were furious. You said it was because I was abandoning my duties, but I knew it was really because by marrying him I was finally turning my back on you. On us." Her face tightened at the memory. "It was the worst fight we ever had, Lee. Some of the things we said to each other – you should be glad you don't remember them."

"So that fight was why we weren't speaking for months before I went missing?"

"Yes. I didn't even see you again until the day before, and we barely said two words to each other."

Lee considered that for a moment. "Why did you marry Sam?"

"Because I wanted to set you free." The words came out of her without conscious thought. "To free both of us. All we did was hurt each other, and I was so tired of it, Lee. I thought the best thing to do would be to make a new start, break away from you completely. Leave you to be happy with someone else."

Lee was staring intently at her. She couldn't read the expression on his face. "And did it work?"

Kara laughed harshly. "I thought it did. And then you died, and everything fell apart."

"Helo said you took it hard," said Lee quietly.

"You once told me I was better at dealing with dead guys," said Kara. "I slapped you for it, but you were right. Do you know, I couldn't even admit to myself that I loved you until you were dead? And then all I could think about was how I'd been too cowardly to tell you in person, how I'd wasted the time I'd had with you because I was afraid."

Lee reached out to take her hand again, and this time she let him. "Kara-"

"I missed you so much, Lee," she said jerkily. "Losing you – it was like being locked in a dark cupboard and I couldn't get out. Hell, I didn't even want to get out. Sam did his best to help me, but I ignored him. Pushed him away. In the end, he gave up, went to Colonial One. I can't really blame him."

Lee frowned. "I wouldn't have given up."

Kara half smiled at that. "Well, you've always been too stubborn for your own good."

"So why were you visiting him the other day?" Lee asked.

Kara took a deep breath. "I was asking him for a divorce. I've meant to do it ever since you came back, but I just kept putting it off. Didn't want to face it, I guess."

Lee flushed with embarrassment as she spoke, and released her hand. "It's official. I'm a complete and utter idiot."

"Well, you've got company," said Kara ruefully. "I know I should have just been honest with you about our relationship from the start. But when you asked me if we were friends, I just flashed back to when I thought you were dead, how much I'd wished I'd told you I loved you. And suddenly I had a second chance, and I couldn't pass it up. I couldn't deny it again."

Lee smiled hesitantly. "Well, having heard the whole story, I can see why you were wary about telling me the truth. Complicated doesn't even begin to describe it."

"I thought it might send you running away from me as fast as possible," Kara admitted.

"Maybe it would have." Lee's face sobered and he leaned forward, holding her eyes with his. "Kara, I'm sorry I went off at you like that the other day. It's just – I feel so helpless, relying on other people to tell me about my own life, and the fact that you'd been lying about it – it just hit a tender spot."

"That's all right," said Kara, slightly bewildered by his apology. "I understand. How do you feel now?"

Lee sighed. "I'm not sure. Like I said, all this is complicated. I'm going to need some time to think through what you've told me."

"That's fine," said Kara, trying to mask her disappointment. "You know where I am if you want to speak to me."

Lee looked startled, then understanding rushed across his face. "Kara, I didn't mean – of course I want to speak to you! I want to be friends again. You've done so much for me these last months – kept me going – I can't manage without you."

"Oh." Kara couldn't help smiling. She hadn't realised she was so important to him.

"I want you in my life, Kara," Lee went on, looking nervous. "As a friend, definitely. Maybe more than that, but I'm not sure. My memory – everything's still so confused at the moment. Can we just – take things slowly? See what happens?"

Kara nodded, relief almost choking her. She'd been afraid he would never want to speak to her again. Friends might not be all she'd hoped for, but it was far better than nothing.

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Author's note: This was the toughest chapter to write in this whole story, so I would really appreciate your comments on it. Does it make sense? Does it work emotionally? Is it overly long and talky? Please let me know what you think.