To FF . Net Readers: This story is dead, but I welcome anyone who would be interested in continuing it. For a time, I had very good reviews and very good thoughts about this, but I don't write fan fiction anymore. However, I felt that this was worth sharing, and I've still never seen another story like it.
-patchmonkey
Disclaimer: Ranma 1/2, Aa! Megami-sama, and associated properties are used in a derivative work without permission. Scenes a faire, character placement and wording, changes in personality, and specific situations as they differ from any extant work are non-infringing uses and are held with rights reserved to this author. Republishing of this work, without permission from the original authors or the derivative author is strictly prohibited.
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Getting Home Wednesday
Fit the Third: Matriculation
"And the night was over, and the day began..."
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"Where are we now?" asked Ranma, as she turned to the giant panda next to her. "This is all your fault, Pops. Now I'm gonna have to pull out the GPS system I made, again. Why'd we have to run so quickly anyway? We could have stopped to at least find out where we were before darkness fell. Anyway, it was just a kiss. Not like I was gettin' married or nothin'."
She flicked her wrist, and several baubles flew out of a tiny latch in her watch, reflecting the light of the moon momentarily before shimmering into incandescence themselves. "And now I'm wet, and a girl, and my hair is more multicolored than usual, and my Pop's a panda," she began muttering. "You'd have thought a guy with a water-changing curse could at least be smart enough to avoid some of the puddles. But no, Mr. I'm A Giant Panda ran through every single one he could find."
"Ranchan? Are you alright?" queried a voice from the other site of their hastily made camp.
Ranma paused for a second, and looked over in the direction of the voice.
"Yeah, Ucchan, I'm fine. Can you make us a fire?"
"Sure thing, Ranchan! Already working on it. Just one question."
"Shoot."
"Do you have a lighter?"
With a fire finally safely roaring in a small pit, Ranma sifted through her pack. "Where'd I put that thing? Thermos, pots and pans, - Hey, Ucchan, can you fill this with water and put it on the fire? - toolkit, collapsible mercury weighted katana, lock of cat's hair, picture of my mother, sewing kit, compression rifle - Where the heck did I put it? - Aha! The Ranma GPS 2001!"
Hearing footsteps approaching, she looked up from her search. "Oh, Ucchan, you're back. Could you heat that so that me and Pops can change back?" She spoke, walking towards the centre of their camp.
"No prob, Ranchan. I'm gonna get some dinner started too, if you don't mind."
"Why would I mind?"
Genma, still stuck as a panda, looked up. "Growf?"
"Yeah, you can have some too, old man. I feel generous," she replied, not even looking up from her grill.
"Yo, Pop!" yelled Ranma, as she wrote down figures on a pad. "Looks like you ran in the right direction. There's an airport about fifteen clicks that way, an' we can afford to fly back."
The panda crossed his front arms and shook his head. "Growf. Growf growf, growf growf growf," he growfed, as the two girls paused to look at him. Then, Ukyo, deciding the water was hot enough, dumped the contents on his head.
"Ouch!" exclaimed the newly reformed and wet Genma. "It needn't be that hot, girl! And we will swim back. It's good for your training."
The two girls glanced at each other, and replied simultaneously, "Over my dead body."
"Oops...here you go, Ranchan," spoke Ukyo, pouring the remaining water on the shorter girl's head.
"Thanks, Ucchan. And Pops, there ain't no way in Hell we're swimming back.
You can swim," he began, his eyes glinting a devilish red for a moment, "but me an' Ucchan are flying back. By the way, you know they feed you on planes, right, Pop?"
"Ah? Well, boy, I've come to a decision. We will fly back! Now," he spoke, patting himself down, "Where did I put that postcard? Boy, did I give it to you?"
Ranma, scratching his blonde tinged black hair, tilted his head in thought.
"Nope. Sorry, Pop."
"Girl?"
"Not a chance, old man," replied the girl in question.
"Very well then! It shall be a surprise for old Tendo!"
"What will, Pop?"
The older man faltered for a second. "Why, our showing up of course! Tendo and I haven't seen each other since we parted ways so many years ago!"
"Riiiight," responded the two teenagers, absolutely sure that there was more to that story.
Meanwhile, back at the Amazon village, two women made preparations for a long trip to the Japanese islands.
"Great-grandmother, I am prepared for the trip," announced the much younger purple-tressed lady.
"Please speak Japanese, Shampoo. You must practice for your future husband!" explained the shorter, older, more troll-like woman.
"Very well...Great-grandmother Cologne. Shampoo practice for airen."
"Husband, Shampoo," replied Cologne. "Not 'airen'."
"But Shampoo like sound of airen more. Confusing to Japanese people. They think it is like soup or something. Then, while confused, Shampoo can grab airen and go 'wo ai ni' and kiss him morely and me and airen make many many strong Amazon babies!"
Groaning, Cologne responded "More, not morely, Shampoo."
Ignoring that totally, Shampoo looked back to her great-grandmother with hearts in her eyes. "We leave now, great-grandmother?"
Cologne sighed. "Yes, Shampoo. GUIDE!"
The portly Jusenkyo Guide toddled over. "Oh, hello honored matriarch! Why we speaking Japanese?"
"Never you mind that. Is the flying bird contraption ready?"
"Yes, honored matriarch. Please, right this way."
The guide led the two Amazons to what appeared to be a giant duck with many balloons suspended from strings above it as several men finished leashing many smaller living ducks to the giant duck. Those live ducks began quacking wildly as the final leashes bound them to the great duck.
As Cologne stepped up to the ladder that lead into the great duck, Shampoo following behind, the guide spoke up. "Ah! No, honored matriarch! This no hold you and Shampoo!"
Cologne smiled, and, producing a cup of cold water, dumped the contents over the young Amazons head. Where once stood a fierce, violet haired Amazon warrior now stood a purple furred ocelot. "No problem," she replied, winking.
"Ah, honored matriarch is so so smart. I often wonder why she fell in Spring of Drowned Whill." (1)
Cologne thwacked him with her staff. "I did not fall in any such spring!
Now, leave before I hit you harder!"
The purple ocelot mewed its agreement.
An airport lived in solitude beside a temple at the base of the mountain. It was a small airport, and the mountain was a small mountain, but the airport flew planes direct to Japan and was inexpensive. The security guard tended the airport's security, and he passed his days in peace and quiet and in contemplation of what exactly balsa wood might taste like, and whether it was true that the angel of death was so beautiful that upon seeing it or him or her, you fell in love and "pop" out came your soul through your eyes, until one day that a boy, a girl, and a giant panda came upon the airport and attempted to board the plane.
He immediately ceased his contemplation, and in a firm and commanding voice, spoke. "Miss, I can't allow you to bring that animal out of China!"
Ukyo, Ranma, and Genma turned to look at the security guard bearing down on them.
"Why not? Ranma here is perfectly safe," began Ukyo, earning a dirty look from the boy.
"Not the boy, Miss. The panda! Pandas are an endangered species, and China's national animal! It's is forbidden! But before I have your panda confiscated," he spoke, taking out a clipboard, "I have some questions to ask before you can leave our great People's Republic. First...are either of you female?"
"Uh, yeah, I am," replied Ukyo.
"Okay, excellent. Have you been groped, fondled, had your underwear stolen, or been otherwise sexually harassed or assaulted since you have arrived in our wonderful People's Republic?"
"Not that I can remember. Why?"
The guard smiled and put the clipboard down. "We've had some reports of a demon running loose, and we're trying to track him down. Say, is your panda cold? He's shivering."
Ranma glared towards Genma. "No, you just said the word demon. He likes to run away from danger at all times."
"Oh, yes! I forgot! Pandas are an endangered species! You are not allowed to take them out of China!"
"Very well," spoke Ranma, "I can fix that." And, with that word, he opened his backpack and removed a thermos. "Now, watch closely," he continued, as he emptied the thermos over the panda's head.
"Ungrateful boy! You were supposed to sneak be on without paying! Now how will we ever get on?"
"Hey, old man. I don't think you got anything to worry about," pronounced Ukyo, as she looked over the security guard, who now had a bit of smoke rising out of the top of his head."
"You're right. Okay, Pops. Panda time again. I've heard that the food on the plane is especially good for pandas."
Several hours later, most of the passengers on flight 059 to Tokyo would remark about the strange noises coming from the luggage section, but even more would wonder about those two laughing kids in the First Class section.
Down came the rain on the roads of the Nerima district of Tokyo as a panda and two awfully attractive young girls walked through it. One of the young ladies was holding an umbrella, and the other was sharing said object.
"Rain. I can't believe it's rained the entire time we've been back in Japan, Ranchan."
The redhead snickered. "Ucchan, we've only been back in the country for an hour. And half of that was spent getting our bags. Sometimes you just worry too much."
"Well, what if one of us gets sick? Or the flu? Or pneumonia?"
"We can go to a doctor. That's what they're for, especially now that we're out of the Chinese wilderness."
The two paused as the panda sat on its haunches looking at the street signs, and attempted to speak for the thirtieth time since they got off of the plane.
"Growf! Growf! Grrowof!" attempted the panda, pointing in the direction of a small restaurant.
"Oh, give it up, Pops. You know you're completely unintelligible in that form."
"He isn't intelligible in any form," added Ukyo under her breath.
"But you're prolly right. We'll get some food, wait out the storm, and then continue on. Tanira's Talisman. Sounds interesting," delivered Ranma, as he headed towards the door.
Inside Tanira's Talisman, the beautiful proprietress sat at the bar, her bronze skin showing through several carefully placed holes and her platinum blond hair cascading over her shoulders.
"Oh, Father, I'm bored," she began, glancing around at the empty restaurant.
"Belldandy could have done this, or any of the others. But no, I've got to sit here and wait for some stupid kid to show up. Whee. What fun."
Being the sole inhabitant of said tavern was not, in itself, a bad thing, however. Despite many claims to being older and more knowledgeable about everything in general, Urd didn't know everything, and thusly was quite grateful for the noise of the trio outside the front of her establishment.
"Look, Pops. We're stopping for food. We're tired, we're hungry. I don't mind being cold, but I hate being wet," Urd heard a woman say from outside the door.
Another woman's voice joined in. "Not to mention the fact that you stink.
Ranchan, wet panda is such a terrible smell. Old man, couldn't you have fallen in the tragically cursed Spring of Always Good Smelling Something-or-Other? Ick."
"Hey, wait," thought Urd, still listening at the door. "I thought it was supposed to be a guy and a girl, not two girls...huh, Father couldn't be wrong..."
"Growf. Gr-grrrr-growf!" replied the panda, as he pushed open the door to the tavern.
Urd groaned, as the panda walked through the door, followed by two young ladies. "Table for three, I presume? Anything to drink?"
"Um, three is fine. And hot water, please, to start," asked the taller chestnut haired girl.
A now male Ranma and human Genma slurped down Norse-Japanese cuisine with gusto, as Ukyo told the tavernmaster, apparently named Urd, about their trip. In the background, a small television reported the days news, including sightings of a strange duck shaped UFO.
"So, anyway, after the idiot got Ranchan and himself cursed, and then Ranchan did this cool blast of lightning thing, he went and tried to eat the first prize of this village of something called Chinese Amazons. Of course, they don't like it, we hightail it out of there, and then Genma tells us that he's got this surprise for us here in Japan, so we got on a plane and now we're here."
"Oh, I understand," replied Urd, clearly not understanding, which did not dissuade Ukyo from continuing.
"So now we're here, Ranchan's going to have to deal with another 'surprise', and as far as I know, we have nowhere to stay."
Urd smiled. "Well, I can fix that," she stated, taking out a business card.
"We have tons of room at this converted temple where I live. You two can stay there as long as you need, no problem."
"Really?" gushed Ukyo.
"Yes."
"Really?"
"Yes!"
"Hey, Ranchan!" yelled Ukyo towards the bar, where Genma and Ranma sat eating.
"Mrrph!" answered Ranma, looking up with noodles hanging out of his mouth.
"Urd's invited us to stay with her if we need a place to stay. Well, you and me, at least."
"That's great ---" began Ranma, before being suddenly cut off by his father.
"Ah! Very good. Unfortunately, we have an appointment now," interrupted Genma, throwing a pocketful of money down on the table. "Come along, boy! Thanks for the food."
"Thanks for the offer, Urd! We'll let you know!" shouted Ukyo, as she ran out the door.
Urd looked at the phone, which just started ringing, and sighed. "I don't even think they're going to believe this one."
There is, in the Nerima district of the city of Tokyo, a large familial estate, headed by a martial artist named Soun Tendo, Grandmaster of the Tendo School of Anything Goes Martial Arts. Mr. Tendo, as some are wont to call him, has three lovely young daughters. Kasumi, the eldest, who supervises the household and the family; Nabiki, who handles the finances; and Akane, the heir to the Tendo school and an esteemed martial artist in her own right. Currently though, as the family, minus Akane, sat around the table preparing for the dinner meal, they heard a loud stomping noise near the front of the house, followed by an annoyed growl.
"I...cannot...believe...this...has...gone...on...FOR SIX MONTHS!" screamed a voice from the front.
"It seems Akane is home, Kasumi," deduced Nabiki.
"I do think you are right," Kasumi concurred.
The stomps continued to the dining room, where the suddenly stopped, revealing through the passageway a girl with long bluish black locks who was extremely angry. "You'd think he'd stop after a month. But noooooooooo, he just keeps telling them to fight on! 'We fight on! We love you, Akane!' At least some of them have the common sense to quit. Stupid boys."
Soun, however, missed the entire exchange, sitting there thinking.
"Saotome, old friend, where could you be?"
"I cannot believe that, in a five minute walk, we got splashed by a car, hit by a lady washing her sidewalk, dumped on with laundry water, rained on, and shot at by little kids with squirt guns. It's statistically impossible. It has about the same chance of occurring as if someone had the innate ability to quantum tunnel to my location from any other location on Earth, repeatedly! It just doesn't happen!" argued Ranma with no one in particular.
"Growf," agreed the panda. "Growf, growf, growf."
"Okay, we can go that way, Pops."
Ukyo spoke up. "Hey, Ranchan?"
"Yeah?"
"How come you can understand him? I've been traveling with you two for ten years, and I still can't understand a thing he growls."
"You can't? Hmmm...I'll have to think about that. It comes through clearly to me. Let me see if I can come up with something, like having him write everything down. Maybe on a signboard, with some markers or something."
Directly ahead of where the panda pointed existed the Tendo household. The inhabitants of that house had just finished calming the youngest sister down from her daily problems as the doorbell rang.
Kasumi looked up. "Oh, we have visitors!"
Jumping to his feet, Soun spoke joyfully. "Maybe it's Saotome!"
The other sisters just looked at each other. "Who?" they asked simultaneously to the departing backs of both Soun and Kasumi.
Meanwhile, at the front door, Ukyo gave the panda a nasty look. "Old man, I'm sure these people will be pleased to see a panda at their front door. But it looks like a nice place. Ranchan, are you sure that your father knows these folks?"
"Nope. Never heard of a guy named Tendo before, either," he replied, as the door opened.
"Hello, may I help..." began the young lady who opened the door. "Ah, a panda and two girls. Oh," she added, turning around to the older man who stood behind her, "Father, were you expecting a giant panda, a young lady in an okonomiyaki seller's outfit with a staff, and another young girl, dressed as, well, um...I'm sorry. What are you supposed to be? Is it Halloween?"
"I'm an inventor and a martial artist, miss," replied Ranma.
"Ah, Kasumi, I wasn't expected any of those, I'm afraid. I was hoping it would be Saotome. Does it appear that the panda is trained?"
"Oh, my, yes. He's just sitting there, calmly watching the two young ladies."
Leaning towards Ukyo, Ranma whispered "Well, they're definitely strange enough to cope with us."
Ukyo snickered quietly as Soun spoke to Kasumi once again. "Very well then.
Invite them in out of the rain."
Smiling brightly, she turned to the guests at the front door. "My apologies. Won't you please come in?"
"Kasumi? Who was at the door?" queried Nabiki as Kasumi and Soun returned to the dining room, followed by two girls and a panda.
"Ahhh! A panda! Is it bothering anyone? I'll smite it!" shouted Akane, as soon as she saw it.
"No," said Soun.
"No," added Kasumi.
"Nope," spoke the redhead stranger.
"Yeah...wait, I mean no," added the other girl.
"Oh," replied Akane as she sat back down. "Huh?'
Nabiki stood up and walked over to the two girls. Looking at Ukyo, Ranma, and the panda, she voiced the question that all the family members were wondering. "So, who might you be?"
Ukyo stepped a bit forward. "Well, that's an interesting question, honey.
Do you have any hot water?"
"Of course," replied Kasumi. "I have water ready for the tea. If you'll wait, I'll bring some out," she finished, as she walked towards the kitchen.
The strangely dressed redhead watched the eldest daughter until she entered the kitchen, and turned back to where she faced the lone man in the room. "Um...well, do you believe in magic?"
"Waaaah! My old friend Saotome has been turned into a stone garden gnome!
He's a stoned gnome! Waaaah!"
Nabiki watched as the two girls stared incredulously at her father. "Daddy! Stop crying! We don't even know who these girls are. They may not even know your friend!"
"Here you go, miss," said Kasumi as she handed the brown haired girl a kettle.
"Okay, how to explain..Ah! Hello. I am Ukyo Kounji. And these," she spoke, pointing to the other girl and the panda, "Are none other than Ranma Saotome and his moronic father, Genma."
"Father, your best friend is a panda?" asked Kasumi.
"But...but...but...Saotome always said that he had a son!"
Ranma attempted to speak up, but she was cut off by Akane. "Daddy! You're being mean." Turning to the two girls, she continued, "Hi! I'm Akane. Do you want to see the dojo?"
Ranma and Ukyo turned to each other and shrugged. Placing the kettle on the panda's head, they followed Akane out of the dining room. Under her breath so that only Ukyo could hear, Ranma muttered "Well, I've been like this off and on all day, anyway. I s'pose I can wait a bit longer."
The remaining daughters and Soun looked at the kettle-topped panda. "Well, I suppose I should go look up what pandas eat," decided Kasumi.
"No kidding," agreed Nabiki.
The panda stood up and too the kettle off of it's head. Pouring the contents over his head, the three humans watched as it turned into a middle-aged human wearing a bandanna, glasses, and a white training gi.
"It's good to see you again, Tendo," spoke Genma, as he wiped off his glasses.
Unfortunately, Soun had passed out on the floor.
"Well, I guess that's one way to cope, Daddy."
"Oh, my. You wouldn't happen to be Genma Saotome, would you?"
"Hmm? Yes, yes I am," he replied.
Nabiki kneeled down next to her father. "Get up, Daddy."
Sitting up, Soun rubbed his head. "I could have sworn that I saw that panda turn into my good friend Genma Saotome."
"You did, daddy."
Soun looked up to see Genma sitting cross legged at the table. "Saotome?"
Smiling, Genma replied "Tendo!"
"Saotome!"
"Tendo!"
"Saotome!"
"Tendo!"
"It's good to see you again!" exclaimed the two men in unison.
"You've finally come! Now the schools can be joined! But where's your son?
Kasumi, Nabiki?"
"Yes, father?"
"Daddy?"
"Saotome and I are going to talk about old times. I'll call you back when we are ready to eat again."
The two daughters left as the men began discussing old times.
"This," Akane began, spreading her arms wide as she entered the large room, "is the Tendo dojo. Dad just had it expanded and rebuilt, as he plans to start teaching again." Pointing to various objects around the room, she started describing the objects. "That's the dojo shrine," she explained, pointing at the shrine.
"Uh-huh," agreed Ranma. "It sure is."
"And that's Dad's weapon collection, and those are the practice mats, and...do you guys do any kenpo?"
"Yeah, we both do," answered Ukyo.
"Do you wanna spar?"
"Sure," spoke Ukyo. "Do you mind Ranchan?"
"Why should I? Go 'head, Ucchan."
"So, do you do Kenpo or do you only use the staff?" queried Akane.
"I use whatever's useful. I just like the staff. Makes me happy. It's up to you, Akane."
"Ucchan, you are better with the staff than anything else...but y'know, some of us are good with anythin'," smirked Ranma.
Glaring, Ukyo retorted "Shush, Ranchan."
"Okay, so how about if we do Kenpo, Ukyo?"
"That'll be fine, Akane."
Ukyo removed the staff from her back and threw it over the Ranma, falling into a loose Anything Goes stance opposite from Akane.
"Ready?" asked Ranma. "Go"
Akane charged at Ukyo, who spun out of the way and smiled. Grinning, Akane let a kick loose towards Ukyo, where she thought Ukyo was undefended. Ukyo simply leaned back out of range, and waited for the next attack.
"You're pretty good," complimented Akane.
"Not bad yourself," returned Ukyo.
"Try this."
Akane punched at Ukyo's midsection, but Ukyo grabbed Akane's fist and flipped her onto her back. "I win," she said, smiling.
"Wow, Ukyo, you're really good!" gushed Akane. "It's a good thing, though, that you and Ranma are both girls."
Ranma glanced over at Ukyo, who looked back over quickly, and with a slight blanch asked "Um...why's that, sugar?"
"Because boys are all jerks! You'll see if you two go to school with me tomorrow."
"Not all boys are jerks," spoke Ranma softly.
"Well, I haven't met more that two who aren't. Anyway, why don't you two go on back inside. I'll be right there, in a second."
As the two girls walked back inside the house, Kasumi walked over to them.
"Ukyo, Ranma, I've prepared a bath for you. "
"We don't..." started Ranma.
"There's no need..." began Ukyo.
Kasumi smiled again. "You're sweaty, Ukyo, and both of you came in wet and dirty. Bath, now!"
In the dining room, the two men continued kneeling, tears in their eyes.
"Tendo, how have you been?"
"Fine, just fine, Saotome! How has your trip gone?"
"Quite well, Tendo. Both Ranma and the girl are skilled in the art. But recently, a terrible tragedy has befallen us!"
"I saw. I had hoped you had a son!"
"I do, Tendo, I do. On our training journey, we ended up at the training grounds of Jusenkyo."
"The cursed grounds?"
"The very same. All of us fell in. The curse is such that we are forced to take the shape of whatever drowned in that pool many many years ago."
"So then...Saotome, you turn into a panda, I presume?"
Genma nodded.
"And the curses are activated by differing temperatures of water?"
Genma nodded again.
"Hmm...well then, what does Ranma turn into?"
"A girl."
"Oh, that's nice," commented Soun as he thought about the entire situation.
Eyes opening wide, he leaned in conspiratorially. "So...wait...Ranma is a boy!"
"Yes, Tendo."
"The schools can be mprh mrrrph!" Soun added, as Genma clamped down his hand over Soun's mouth.
"Quiet, Tendo. The boy doesn't know...and besides, he's kind of strange."
Soun's smiled drooped. "You mean, Saotome, that he doesn't like...he isn't interested...he likes other men?"
Genma chuckled. "Nothing like that, Tendo. No, he's got some strange powers. He's always had this special sense of danger and people and he can make all sorts of weird electronic stuff. And you saw the way he dresses, with the boots and the coat and the black jeans and the red shirt."
"So what's wrong?"
"Well, after he fell into the spring, he blasted me with some sort of energy."
"He can control his ki?"
"A bit, but this was far different than that. This was something else entirely. But it scares me, Tendo. Not as much as you know who, but nonetheless..."
"Yes?"
"I think we should hold off on telling the children. I can't tell how the boy would react."
"But Saotome!"
"Tendo, this is for our own safety. If we let them get used to each other, it will also be that much easier."
"Very well, we'll try it your way, Saotome."
"Now, Tendo, tell me about your family. They're all grown up..."
(End Fit the Third)