NOTE: This story is not to be taken seriously. There are incomplete sentences, many things such as the rules concerning commas and semicolons are completely and utterly ignored at times. The plot along with the style of writing of this story is written for fun and stress relief.

Simply put. This is my rebellion. If you wish it to be anything else…I suggest looking elsewhere.

oh yes, this is currently rated T, however, if any of you feel that readers such as yourselves can not handle a bit of cursing and swear words...I will promptly move it to M. Your choice.

So sit back, and just enjoy!

The Thing With Pink Eyes (part one)
"GAHHHHHHHHH!"

The hills lining the valley shook and there was an odd vibration in the air. Pink eyes snapped open. EARTHQUAKE-sss! THE WORLD-sss ENDING!

"AHHHHHHHHHH! GET IT OFF ME, GET IT OFF ME!"

"Hermione!" Harry yelled, as he was roused violently from his sleep, he rolled out of his bed in shock. "What's going on? Hermione! I'm coming."

"HARRRRY! GET IT OFF ME! GET IT OFF! HARRY!"

Fumbling with his socks—the floor was cold, so sue him—Harry rushed towards the sounds of an increasingly hysterical Hermione. "I'm coming, what is it?"

"What the fuck is that racket! Granger shut up!"

"AHHHHHHHHH! Harry!"

Harry pushed past what appeared to be a sleep ridden Malfoy and shoved the door open.

"AHHHHHHH!" This time the scream came from behind him. Harry turned in shock to see Malfoy, eyes wide and almost bugging out of his head.

What the hell? Harry blinked.

"Harry!" Hermione cried, "Get it off me! Get it off!" Tears were running down her red face and Harry quickly looked for what exactly he was supposed to get off her.

Make-sss it stop! Make-sss it stop sss-creaming! I-sss gonna be sick!

Harry's jaw dropped.

Clinging to Hermione's chest with clenched claws was a…a thing with pink eyes?

"AHHHHH!"

"Shut the fuck up Malfoy! God, what is your problem! Now, Hermione, just calm down and hold still."

"Harrrrrry!" Hermione sobbed, shaking uncontrollably. "Get it off."

Harry swallowed. How the hell was anyone supposed to do anything this early in the morning? He had a hysterical Hermione to deal with, and a panic-stricken Malfoy behind him, and a hysterical…thing, clinging to the hysterical Hermione, which seemed to be incidentally causing the hysterics from both Malfoy and Hermione. All of which were in the bloody throws of their hysterics and not

"God damn it, listen to me!" Harry shouted finally. He turned abruptly and smacked Malfoy speechless. The blond looked at him in a state of disbelief, his gray eyes misty. Harry took a moment to assess the situation now that it was considerably less…hectic. Well, it seemed he wasn't in any danger of being smacked back…so…on to the next problem.

"Hermione. Just hold still. I'm going to…" Harry paused. Erm, what exactly was he going to do?

She-sss stay still. He heard the soft hisses. And-sss I gladly get-sss off-sss.

Harry nodded his confused head absently and took a step forward.

Only to find himself being wrapped in a fury of pale and surprisingly strong limbs.

"NO! Don't touch it!" Draco wrapped himself round the boy hero, using him much like one would use body armor.

"Err…Malfoy…you are…err…" Harry didn't like this situation. Not one bit. Come on now, who the hell would want Draco Lucius Malfoy attached to them—warm body pressed tightly against another? Eh? Well, Harry James Potter definitely did not like it. OHHH NO. He did not.

But he would treat Malfoy like he would any rabid animal. Calmly…he would not freak out about having another boy pressed forcefully against him. Harry shivered. Thank god no one here would ever, ever tell a living soul of the current predicament—it was going to go with them to the grave.

"Why, Malfoy, can't I touch it?"

"It's a salamander!" Draco cried.

"And?"

"It's a salamander!"

Still confused, Harry took a good look at the animal. "You sure it isn't a snake?"

"IT CAN'T BE A SNAKE!" Draco shouted, too close for comfort for Harry's delicate eardrums. "Because it's a salamander!"

"But it talks like a snake."

"Damn it Potter, it's a damn salamander, and its damn well a salamander cause I know what a damn salamander is and it…"

"Oh get off it. It is not a salamander. It is a snake. I don't understand what the big…" Harry, being the bright boy that he was paused before turning in the blonds grip (which was rather difficult, but the stubborn teenager managed all the same) to face him—only to find himself staring into a face that was almost petrified in fear. "Err…Malfoy are you afraid of…err…salamanders?"

Draco shuddered, his eyes trained on the thing clinging to Hermione's chest. "Don't touch it." He murmured softly.

"It's a snake." Harry said softly as he disengaged the limbs holding him hostage. Slow and steady now, he thought, just back away from him. Slow and steady does the trick.

I-sss not a salamander-sss nor am I a snake you dimwitted buffoons-sss.

"Err…okay." Harry said as calmly as he could. "You're not a snake. And you're not a salamander."

"What the fuck are you jabbering at Potter. It's a fucking salamander!"

Hermione closed her eyes and counted to three before opening them again. "Can. You. Please. Remove. Thing. From. My. Chest?" There, she'd managed not to scream.

I get-sss off your damn chest-sss.

Hermione shivered as something slivered down her torso and legs to the floor.

Sheesh-sss, girl has-sss problems.

Harry laughed.

Twin glares shut him up.

"Err…"

"Potter have you gone mental?"

"Err…"

"Shut up Malfoy."

"I will not shut up until that salamander is removed."

Harry could have sworn that the thing managed an indignant huff. "Err…"

"Well, I don't care what you want Malfoy. Get the hell out of my room!"

"Uh uh," Draco said, shaking his not-so-perfect blond head. "I am not moving my pretty little ass until that thing is exterminated!"

Harry groaned.

I-sss am not a THING and I-sss not a SNAKE and I-sss not a SALAMANDER!

"Fine, what the hell are you!" He shouted, his sudden outburst had Hermione eyeing him curiously and Draco cackling (on the inside, of course).

"I knew the boy wonder really was off his rocker."

"Shut it!" Harry growled. "I speak parsletounge."

"AKA, I hear voices in my head." Draco said scathingly.

I not-sss like his attitude. Tell him to get stuffed-sss.

Harry let out a snort, even as he tried his hardest not to.

Draco edged closer to Granger. "Are you sure he's stable?"

Shrugging Hermione edged back away from the Slytherin…and away from the thing.

"So…um, what are you?"

"Gone nutters." Draco muttered.

I-sss a Salamanake.

Harry's brow furrowed. "I've never heard of such a thing. Where did you come from?"

I didn't-sss come from anywhere-sss! I was created…

Was it possibly for a thing to sound both proud and disgusted?

"Oh."

"What the fuck is your problem, Potter?"

"Shut up Malfoy!" Hermione whispered in an angry hiss.

The creature turned large pink eyes onto her then looked back at Harry.

She-sss not so bad-sss. When she stop-sss screaming-sss.

Harry smiled. "Erm, the Salamanake likes you Hermione."

Hermione's eyes grew wide.

"When you're not screaming." Harry clarified.

"What about me!" Draco asked, pouting.

Stupid blond-sss.

Harry couldn't help the snicker.

"WHAT?" Draco shouted incredulously. "What did it say?"

Harry shrugged, ignoring the blonds question—or as it happens when you are dealing with Malfoy, demand. "You said you were created…what did you mean?"

Cauldron-sss.

"Ah." Harry nodded. "Who though?"

The thing seemed to shrug as pink eyes roved around the room, it sighed. Greasy black haired git-sss…The thing grumbled irritably. The words were hissed much like a curse.

"SNAPE?" Harry sat on Hermione's bed. Floored. "Snape…made you?"

If the thing could raise an eyebrow, it most definitely did. Greasy black haired git?

"That would be Professor Snape…" Harry chuckled. "To a tee."

"Wait a second!"

Harry glanced over to Hermione. "What?"

"You think you could clue the rest of us in on what it is saying?"

Harry felt a sheepish blush creep up his cheeks. "Err…sorry." He bit his lower lip. "Not much really. Um, it's a…"

I will talk so that they understand me…

The hissing was suddenly gone and Harry looked around confused.

Draco's jaw dropped towards the floor—an impressive feat for any man-human, pretty soon we'll have that refined ferret winning beer-chugging contests. Hermione's eyes grew wide with excitement—and of course she was excited! Who wouldn't be? Haven't you ever wanted to be the discoverer of a new species…to receive the honor of naming it, the glory of finding out everything about it? To Hermione, this was much like Christmas, only better. It was Christmas to the nth power.

"I…Harry…I can understand what it said!" Hermione bubbled, almost clapping in her excitement.

Of course you can understand me, lovely lady.

Now, Harry thought with a roll of his emerald eyes, now it sucks up to her.

"Ohhh! This is so excite'in!" Hermione squealed.

It was a sound that made all males in the room cringe. Malfoy repressed a body-racking shudder. That sound reminded him way too much of a creature he wasn't very fond of. A woman, but still, in his opinion, a creature none-the-less. The kind of creature that should be exterminated, if he had any say in it.

"Why were you in here?" Hermione asked, her fear of the pink-eyed thing flying out the window. She picked it up and sat next to Harry on her bed.

I am very sorry, if I caused you any distress this morning.

Hermione blushed.

Harry snorted. Yeah right! What about him and Malfoy, eh? Were they not distressed?

Oh well.

To answer your question, I was actually hoping that one of you had left the door unlocked, but alas…

"You want to leave?" Hermione asked, her face falling.

No…I just wanted the chance to explore this place. I've only been to the dungeons and…to that twinkle-eyed bearded imbecile's room!

The pink eyes glowed neon.

Harry leaned away.

Malfoy, however, seemed to find this quite interesting. "Dumbledore?"

The thing shrugged…if that was even possible. I don't know names. I associate smells and sight to a human's identity.

"Well, what did Dumbledore do to make you so angry at him?" Harry asked.

The crazy black haired greasy git was so happy to finally create me, he thought he'd show me to that white bearded idiot.

"And?"

And then the man grabbed me from the crazy greasy haired git and beat him over the head with a newspaper roll when he objected. I think I saw tears. But I'm not sure. The bearded one insisted that I was his birthday present…and the greasy one said something like 'your birthday is in November' but then the other insisted that it was a belated birthday present and when the other opened his mouth to argue he was whacked with that paper roll again.

Harry stared dumbfounded. Really…what else could he possibly do?

Well…that was answered with the thump to his left.

Emerald eyes shot to the source of the sound…and stared.

Malfoy. Draco Malfoy was rolling on the floor laughing.

Merlin, Harry thought, could things get any weirder?

I'm sorry for the wait. I actually had this chapter done a week ago. Sorry. Anyway...I hope you at least laughed once. That is my goal!

Tell me what you think!