"Full of grace"'
I never felt more lost. When my secret service agent asked me "where to?". I knew Toby was watching me from the window, but I didn't want to turn around, I wanted to look forward. I always knew leaving The White House would be one of the hardest things I'd ever have to do. In some ways it stood for and defined everything I ever was or had become.
In some ways I hated it for leaving me standing out here in the bitter cold without knowing where I was heading. The past eight years had brought me much happiness, sorrow, insight, growth, disappointment, heaven and hell. And HIM.
I watched as the streets passed by outside the window. The wind was picking up. Small droops of rain landed on the glass like small explosion, each and every one of them followed by one of my own tears.
The last couple of weeks had been wonderful. Being with him made me feel alive but at the same time he represented the end of my days in that glorious prison on Pennsylvania Avenue. It was bittersweet. And I felt like I was drowning in my own confusion.
"Are we there yet?" I heard myself ask in a small voice.
The secret service agent in the passenger seat turned. His eyes were serious and tentative. I realized he had to be mortified. I was in the backseat crying like a confused teenager. Driving from one guy to the next. His eyes had settled on mine. With a smooth soft voice he said:
"Just about, is there anything I can do for you Ms. Cregg?" the sound of his serious voice made me understand how distressed I had to look.
I didn't have the strength to answer him. All I wanted was to be wrapped up in Danny's arms, having him tell me things would be all right. But I knew I had treated him so badly earlier today. Why did I have to do that every time? I kept on hurting him when all I wanted to do was hold on to him for dear life.
I knew I loved him. There was no doubt, I never felt this way before. Not even close with Ben. Simon had been special; he came along when I really needed someone. Who was I kidding? He filled the void from when Danny left. Yes, he left me!
I looked out the window as the car pulled up in front of Danny's apartment. But he came back. My door was opened and an usually icy wind greeted. I froze in my seat. This was it, make it or break it. God, I hope he'll understand and give me time.
I steeped out of the car. There was no turning back. And for the record, so to speak, he came back. He came back as he promised. Well not promised in words but in his actions. His kisses always held so much more than any other kiss she had ever received, even given herself.
As he opened the door I felt like I was about to faint. But then we locked eyes and I immediately felt better. He didn't look mad, furious or even upset. He looked… he looked good. Relaxed? Worried even?
I could feel the tears in my eyes. I never thought I would be standing outside a guy's apartment apologizing for wanting to be myself, let alone outside his apartment. But I was ready, ready to be myself with him. I trusted him enough, I loved him enough.
With my heart on my sleeve, as cheesy as it sounds, I steeped into his apartment, into his life and into my future.
---
"The winter here's cold, and bitter
It's chilled us to the bone
We haven't seen the sun for weeks
To long too far from home
I feel just like I'm sinking
And I claw for solid ground
I'm pulled down by the undertow
I never thought I could feel so low
Oh darkness I feel like letting go
If all of the strength and all of the courage
Come and lift me from this place
I know I could love you much better than this
Full of grace
Full of grace
My love
So it's better this way, I said
Having seen this place before
Where everything we said and did
Hurts us all the more
Its just that we stayed, too long
In the same old sickly skin
I'm pulled down by the undertow
I never thought I could feel so low
Oh darkness I feel like letting go
If all of the strength
And all of the courage
Come and lift me from this place
I know I could love you much better than this
Full of grace
Full of grace
My love"