Author's Note: This episode marks the first Arnold-Helga related episode in this fanfic. Given that Arnold's affection towards older women is undeniable, (Ruth, that subsitute teacher, Summer) it's kinda fun to see what would happen if he actually falls for Olga. How would Helga react? Dress in a wedding dress and starts to hack the both of them away:)
Legal junk: I don't own Hey Arnold, but Nickelodeon does and Mr. Craig Bartlett created it. But this fic belongs to me. Clear? Good.
Episode 8: No Way Olga!
I
It was night at this time. Helga's piercing narrowed eyes gazed hatefully at a marked calendar in front her. She had her eyeballs focused contemplatively at one particular date circled with red ink. There was a caricature of a skull and cross bone hanging on a noose. Next to it, 'Olga's back' was written in big, red, and alarming letters.
"Rrrr…" Helga growled under her breath angrily. "Olga…" she said as she threw a pair of scissors at it. "That perfect sister of mine is coming back today." The pointy end of the scissor hit directly at the marked date. "I bet she has thought a lot of stuff to make me miserable during her stay here." A butter knife flew over and hit the same spot, stunning Helga, "Wow, I must be tougher than I thought." She said to herself, looking at her hand. She then paced around her room, "What kind of fiendish plot is she devising to make my life a living h—"
"Helga!" Miriam cut her off from the front door, "Your sister's here."
"Terrific…" she said through her clenched teeth, "Another stupendous entrance from Olga Pataki…" she then opened her door and trudged to the front door, only to see her sister being greeted happily by both of her parents. Helga narrowed her eyes and rolled them around in disgust. She bet that if she ran away, they wouldn't even notice.
"Is that you, baby sister?" Olga said sweetly as she looked up at the stairs.
Helga said with a fake joy and a fake smile, "Yup, it's me! Your widdle sister!" she spread her arms wide.
"Oh!" Olga screamed joyfully as she ran up to her widdle sister, "I miss you so much!" and she then gave Helga a kiss on the forehead and hugged her. To Helga's shock, there was enormous bright red lipstick stain on her forehead that kind of looked like a giant third eye that she could shoot lasers from it. The image of seeing her sister crumbled into ash excited her somewhat.
"Ah, let your sister rest for a while girl." Bob said to Helga, "and uh… and you can help Olga here with her bags!" Helga was even more shocked to see Olga's luggage, for she could fit inside, and would still leave a room for another! And as Miriam and Bob escorted Olga to the living room, they left Helga with the trouble of carrying Olga's bag into her room. It didn't matter to Helga much though, since Olga would pay her for the trouble and if she had some time to spare, she would rummage through her bag, reading her diary and laugh at her bra size and whatnot.
So after she had her fun reading Olga's diary, Helga went down to join her family with her heart's content. She saw Bob, Miriam and Olga watching TV. Olga gave her sister a smile when she noticed she was in the room, and said, "Helga, can I talk to you for a moment?"
A blank look only greeted Olga after that. Then, Helga shrugged her shoulders and replied, "Whatever." And she walked back out of the living room while Olga walked behind her. The both of them were in the kitchen now, and Helga then turned around, facing her sister and said, "Yes? What do you want?"
Olga then kneeled down and placed both of her hands on Helga shoulder, looking at her apologetically, "Helga, I want apologize for not spending as much time with you as much as I wanted to…" brim of tears could be seen on her eyes.
Helga lifted one half of her eyebrow, looking at her incredulously. "Uh… huh…?"
"Therefore, while I am here, I want to make amends." Olga said back, "How about we, just the both of us, spend some quality time together tomorrow, what do you say? Just the two of us. Without mommy and daddy. Just us sisters. How's about that?"
The proposal was greeted great skepticism from Helga, "What's the catch?"
"Oh, nothing." Olga replied back, beaming, "What makes you think I have a hidden agenda, baby sister? You big silly, you." She said back, playfully pinching Helga's nose. "I just want to spend some time together. Maybe we could go the mall—"
"TO THE MALL?" Helga replied back enthusiastically. She had her eye set on some new shoes she had been fond of for a while.
"May be." Olga replied back again, "Or the park after that."
II
Morning…
"So let me get this straight." Helga scowled as she watched Olga at the cotton candy booth in the middle of the park, "The reason why we're at the park is that you DON'T want to drive to the mall? They invented subways to counter that kind of lazy thought, Olga!"
"Oh, come on baby sister." Olga replied back after saying thanks to the cotton candy man, "What's not to like about the park? We can get fresh air, the wide open space, it's a perfect way to spend our quality time together." She said as she gave one of the cotton candy to Helga. She sighed in annoyance and grabbed the cotton candy that was offered to her. They then continued their walk as Olga pointed out the various scenes and plants to Helga, much to her annoyance, thought she didn't voice her opinion about the boring tour. As the tour went on, a football suddenly dropped in front of them, stopping at their tracks.
Then, Arnold came into the view to retrieve the ball back, "Excuse me, ladies." Arnold said politely to them as he picked up the ball. Arnold's presence there delighted Helga, feeling that this boring trip was finally worthwhile after all. As she sighed admirably at him, Arnold accidentally tripped over a small rock and bruised himself. Both sisters were stunned, and quickly came to his aide.
"Are you okay, Arnold?" Helga asked concernedly. She then shook her head violently, and rephrased, "I mean, see, that would happen if you didn't watch your step!"
Olga inspected the small bruise on Arnold's leg, and smiled to herself. "Oh, you shouldn't be worried about this silly little problem. Just make sure you get home right now and apply some antiseptics and Band-Aid on the bruise."
"Uh… thanks, Olga. For helping me out." Arnold replied, smiling at her.
"It's no problem at all. I'm just glad to help my baby sister's friends." she playfully pinched Arnold's cheek, and then, much to Helga's shock and horror, Olga gave Arnold a soft kiss on the cheek, which stunned and pleased Arnold so much, he felt like he was in heaven. After the kiss, she then walked away, leaving Arnold to sigh blissfully and Helga to be jealous enviously.
"Hey, whoa, whoa, hey!" Helga protested as she walked after her sister, "What the hack was that? Can you do that? I mean, he's a minor Olga, you can't do that in public!" Just then, Arnold's friends came to him and looked at the lucky guy in awe and disbelief.
"Ya one lucky sonufagun, Arnold." Stinky said to him.
"Man, Helga's sister just kissed you." Sid said to him. "Did you get any of her cooties? Because I'm not going anywhere near you if you're infected!" But Arnold didn't answer any of his friend's questions, and he remained in his own little world, being blissfully happy.
"Arnold?" Gerald said as he snapped his fingers repeatedly in front of his face, but there was no response from him. "Mmph. Mmph. Mmph." Gerald shook his head. He then turned to his friends and said, "Okay, who wants to smack him back to reality?"
"Ooh! I do! I do!" Harold gladly volunteered as he raised his hand and jumped repeatedly behind Stinky and Sid.
III
Minutes after, the guys were on their way home after their morning exercise in the park. Gerald, Sid and Arnold were seen walking together, approaching Gerald's residence. In front of the house, Jamie O was seen underneath his car, tinkering with the engine. "So how was the kiss like, man?" Gerald asked. "Was it amazing?"
"Oh, man." Arnold replied back, smiling broadly, "It was beyond words man. It's so hard to believe that a grade school kid like me could get a kiss from a college girl like Olga. It was like, once in a lifetime opportunity to get kissed by the likes of her. You know something? I think she likes me."
"Oh no. There he goes…" Sid replied back teasingly, tapping the bat repeatedly on his shoulder, "Bragging about it."
"Hey, I'm not bragging. It's just… I just got lucky, that's all." Arnold replied back, smiling at his friends.
"Who got lucky?" Jamie O said as he emerged out of the car. He was covered in grease.
"Big man Arnold here got lucky big brother." Gerald replied, pointing to Arnold with his thumb. "Apparently, my friend's sister gave Macho Ladies man here a kiss." He teased him. Arnold replied back by pushing him away playfully and said "shut up!" with his face reddened.
"Heh, you lucky dog you." Jamie O said as he cleaned his hands with a rag. "Let me guess, it's Olga, ain't it?"
"How'd you know man?" Sid asked.
"Hey, everyone knows Olga in my school, little man, 'cause she's the most popular girl in school before she went off to college. And she's pretty hot too. Pretty and hot. Aww yeah." The kids looked at each other incredulously. Jamie then began to fantasize about Olga and started to develop a somewhat perverted grin on his face, "Man, I'd do anything to get into her—" realizing that were children present, Jamie O then stopped and said to them, "Uh… I think it'd be the best if you kids go home now. You guys ain't old enough for this kind of talk."
Sid lifted his pointing finger, "But—"
"I SAID GO HOME NOW!" Jamie O screamed, and quickly the kids scrambled over to their homes in fear.
Little that they knew Helga was in the nearby bushes, undetected, unnoticed, listening to their every conversation from the beginning to the end. Helga then went out from her hiding place and walked over to a safe corner nearby rather hastily. After checking that nobody was in sight, Helga then took her Arnold locket out from a pocket, opened it, and then she gazed lovingly at bored looking picture of Arnold inside it. She smiled a goofy smile, and then began recite some poetry of her one true love.
"Oh Arnold. The Custodian to the gates of my heart, and The Protector of my uneasy soul. I've been longing for your love and companionship, and yet," Helga's loving gazed drastically turned into an angry scowl, "you-are-still-oblivious about my needs! Are you that stupid?" she yelled at the bored looking picture of Arnold as she punched his face repeatedly, "It's bad enough that evil sister of mine is slowly turning you into her gullible pawn. Can you at least show some sign of intelligence to combat this maleficent evil and come back to my arms so we can forever and ever be— OW!" a crumple of paper was thrown at her. She turned around and saw Gerald looking at her from a window.
"What are you doing in my alley, girl?" Gerald asked her angrily.
"I didn't realize this is your alley, Geraldo!" Helga snapped back angrily, "'Cause I didn't see your name on it!"
"Technically, this is my alley, since my house is next to it!"
"No it's not! Unless you can prove it, this alley belongs to the city and it's my right to walk wherever I darned well please!" She then lifted a lid of one random thrash can and forced Brainy out of it by clutching both of her hands on his shirt collar. "I don't see you get angry at him!" Helga yelled at Gerald, trying to justify herself of her unintentional trespassing. She then punched Brainy in the face and left the alley, "'Sides, your alley is lame anyway!"
Gerald could only looked at Helga in disbelief as he shook his head, "Mmph. Mmph. Mmph." He then closed the window, and walked into the living room to watch some Pop Daddy on the tube.
IV
Five days later in school, lunch time…
"I'm going to tell her." Arnold said in full confidence to his friends. "I'm going to tell her that I'm falling in love with her."
"Arnold!" Sid pleaded, "Please don't do this! She's going to murder you if you say it to her!" he then grabbed Arnold by his shirt collar and shook him, "Think about the consequences if you told her about it! I don't want you to die, Arnold!"
"Sid, let go off me…" Arnold warned, looking at Sid angrily.
Sid could only smile innocently at him back, and slowly he lifted his hands away from him, "Oh… heh, sorry man. I guess I got carried away."
"Besides, you're being too paranoid." Arnold replied back, fixing his shirt back after being messed up by Sid. He then stood up and said gallantly to his friends, "I'm going to tell her, and that's final." His friends, Gerald, Sid, Harold, Stinky and the likes, nodded cautiously at his decision. He then walked slowly up to Helga to approach her. In the middle of the journey, he turned around, and said to his friends, "Pray for me and wish me luck." His friends then pray for him according to their respective beliefs, in hoping that their prayers will be answered. He then continued on walking.
As Stinky watched him, he said, "Dead man walking." in a disbelief tone.
"Hey, Helga…" Arnold said nervously. Helga, who was eating a tuna sandwich at that time, suddenly choked on it because of Arnold's unexpected appearance, coughing it out loud. She thumped her chest several times and Arnold quickly helped her by giving her a glass of water. After it was over and she finally caught up with her breath, she looked angrily at Arnold with a scowling look and yelled, "YOU ALMOST GOT ME KILLED, FOOTBALL HEAD!" as she shook her fist.
"I'm… terribly sorry, Helga." Arnold replied back apologetically, as he took a seat next to her.
"What do you want?" she demanded an answer. After that she took another sip of the drinking water that Arnold offered to her.
"Well…" he replied reluctantly, fiddling with his fingers as he watched Helga drinking the water, "I uh… I have confession to make."
Helga widened her eyes and spat out all of the water inside of her mouth in shock. She then looked at Arnold with her mouth dripping with water. "W-what?" she said nervously, "E-excuse me?"
"Over this past few days… I've been… thinking a lot…" Arnold said uneasily, looking deeply into her eyes.
"Yes…?" Helga replied, getting excited.
"I mean, when we were at the park last weekend… with you and your sister and all…"
Helga gulped nervously, "Go on…" her heart began to race and bead of sweat began to develop on her forehead and her palms.
"I just want to say that I'm…" Arnold reluctantly wanted to press on.
Helga on the other hand, couldn't stand it any longer, "WHAT?" she shouted anxiously as she stood up and grabbed Arnold by his shoulder, "TELL ME! TELL ME WHAT DO YOU WANT TO SAY TO ME!" she yelled in front of his face. She was fidgeting. The tension was unbearable.
Struck by the enormous pressure, Arnold then forcibly told her, "I-I… t-think… I'm in love with your sister."
"…"
It was a long, long time before either of them spoke. Both of them gazed blankly in stun at one another. Helga slowly lifted her hands away from him and slowly sat back on her seat. Then, after a while, Helga lifted her pointing finger up, and opened her mouth, and she tried to produce some words at Arnold. But unfortunately, she couldn't find the right words, and she just left her mouth wide open, exposing it to the surroundings. She then closed her mouth again and lowered her finger down. But, a second later, she did it again! But, like the former, she couldn't say anything and left her mouth wide open. Arnold was very reluctant to open his mouth at this moment, as he feared that Helga would do something horrible to him. During the third time, which Helga performed the exact same action, she nonchalantly said, "Excuse me for a while." And she got off from her seat calmly as she made her way to the cafeteria doors.
Arnold and his friends could only watch her in a curious, yet uneasy manner. Helga made her way into the little girls' room, and proceeds into a random stall. "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!" she cried out a disbelieved scream, which could be heard throughout the city.
"Well, ah suppose she kinda took tah news rather pleasantly…" Stinky said to his friends, after hearing the scream.
V
Few days later…
It was noon at this time, and Arnold and Gerald was seen walking along the sidewalk. Apparently Arnold had something in his hands as he looked at them happily. "This letter and flowers will tell Olga my true feelings about her." Arnold said to Gerald. "She's going to like it, I'm sure of it."
Gerald could only shake his head in disbelief, "You know, you could always let the postal service send that letter for you."
"Nah, they take too much time just for sending this kind of stuff." Arnold replied, "Besides, I want this to be special. I want to deliver it myself to Olga so she knows that I really care about her."
"Arnold…" Gerald sighed in disbelief, with his hand visibly shaken, wanting to smack Arnold in the head. But he calmed himself down, and replied, "What chances do you think you have with her? I mean, she's a college girl and you… you…"
"What?"
"You're in grade school, man! You can't go out with her!" Gerald replied back, smacking his forehead. "All I'm trying to say is that, chances are, you're either gonna get rejected, or laughed at. There's no way a college girl would ever go out with a kid who hasn't even hit puberty yet!"
"Well, at least I tried." Arnold shrugged.
Gerald couldn't believe the sheer determination of his friend. With a sigh he replied, "You're a bold kid, Arnold. A bold kid."
"WHY? WHY? WHY?" Helga screamed as she paced around in her room, "How could this happen to me? I just want Arnold to myself, and then stuff like this happens to me? Ohh… Why did I go along with her dastardly schemes on going to that stupid park in the first place anyway?" she then opened the closet door and gazed deeply at her Arnold shrine, "And so here where I stand… forlornly dejected due to my careless mistake, letting my sister took the upper hand. Oh, Arnold…" she said, softly caressing the head made out of a worn-out football, "Why do you betray me so? Olga isn't the one you should care about… it should be me! I mean, we're both in the same age group… and she's… and she's…"
Suddenly she was interrupted by a knock at the door, "Helga!" Miriam called.
"WHAT?" Helga yelled back.
"Your friend is downstairs." She said back, "Two boys… I think."
Helga was somewhat surprised, "What? Who?"
"Oh… how should I know, honey…" her mother replied back in a flustered, bored tone.
"Boys?" Helga said in her mind. She then bolted through the door and ran down the stairs to the front door. Through the peephole, Helga could see a distorted, yet rounded image of Arnold and Gerald on her stoop. She quickly turned around and leaned on the door, putting both of her hands on her heart. "Arnold is here?" she said to herself incredulously. "My object of desire is here? Now? In front of my house? Looking for me? Asking me to marry him? Wait… the latter one is impossible as of now." She then turned around again, looking back into the peephole. She could see Arnold yawning and Gerald checking his watch. She then took a deep breath and said, "Okay… calm down Helga ol' girl." she was trying to compose herself. "Act natural…" she then opened the door, and first thing she did was looking at Arnold angrily.
"Oh… it's you two. The Dynamic Duo of Super Football Head and Ultra Tall Hair Boy." She mocked them snidely, much to Arnold and Gerald's chagrin. "Well, come on. What is it? I don't have all day."
"Uh… hi Helga. Is your sister home?" Arnold asked.
Helga produced a long face after hearing that, "Uh… what? I thought you two wanted to see me."
Arnold and Gerald looked at one another, and then they looked back at Helga, "Uh, no… we told your mom that we—"
"Not 'we', man." Gerald interjected, "'You', just you."
"Uh… yeah." Arnold replied back, rubbing the back of his head nervously, "I uh… I want to see your sister, Olga."
Helga began to narrow her eyes, looking angrily at Arnold, "You want to see, who?"
"Your sister." Arnold replied back, rather nervously. "I think your mom heard me wrongly just now. Well, you see, I think your sister likes me, and uh… if you don't mind…"
And Helga just exploded angrily, "WELL OF COURSE I DO MIND, FOOTBALL HEAD! What are you thinking? She's way too old for you!"
"See, Helga agrees with me." Gerald said to Arnold, smiling at him.
"Don't rub it in, Gerald." Arnold replied back. "Please Helga, just this one favor," he said, producing cute puppy dog eyes, "and I promise I will never ask you anything again."
The puppy dog eyes successfully changed Helga's mind, "Oh… all right. I need a good laugh anyway." Helga turned around, laughed softly as she said to herself, "This is going to be sooo fun!" she then rubbed her hands with glee, "Hey, Olga!"
VI
Olga descended down the stairs and was kind of surprised to see her baby sister and her friends at the front door. Helga then took a few steps away and leaned on a wall nearby as she crossed her arms, revealing Arnold holding a bouquet of flowers and a piece of letter, smiling goofily at Olga. Olga chuckled softly at Arnold's antics and said to him, "Oh… that's so cute! Are those for me?"
"Uh… hi… uh… O-Olga…" Arnold replied nervously, like a kid on his first 'date'. "I… uh…" he said, stuttering, "These are… for uh, for uh, me! No, wait, no! For you! You!"
"Oh, thank you!" Olga replied back as she rubbed his head and took the flowers and the letter from him. Gerald was stunned to see that Olga actually accepted Arnold's gifts while Helga looked at the scene with jealousy and contempt. As Arnold watched Olga smelling the flowers, he nervously said:
"This is just to show my appreciation towards you after all you had done back when we were in the park." Arnold said, grinning broadly at her.
Olga was taken aback, since she never did give him any actual help, aside from giving him that one small advice. But, she continued to smile politely at Arnold and said, "Oh, you silly. You don't have to go through all the trouble buying these gifts just to show your appreciation to me."
"B-but, I have to!" Arnold replied back, "That way, I can show you my true feelings for you!" Upon hearing that, Helga widened her eyes in horror and disbelief. Gerald cringed, knowing that Arnold will get turned down.
Olga lifted one of her eyebrow in shock, "Pardon me?" she asked in disbelief, as she put the flowers away on a stand.
"I-I… I-I-I… I love you, Olga." Arnold replied back, as he went down on his knees, took Olga's right hand, and kissed it. "I mean, y-you gave me a kiss when we were at the park right? That means you like me, right?"
"Oh no…" Olga thought in disbelief, as she put her other hand over her mouth, "Poor boy. He greatly misunderstood it." Olga slowly pulled her hand away from Arnold, and caressed his hair with it. "I think we have big misunderstanding here." Olga replied sweetly as she gave Arnold another smile, as he looked at her back in great disbelief. Helga let out huge sigh of relief upon hearing while Gerald could only slapped his forehead, for his prediction was indeed, true.
"Arnold, the reason why I gave you a kiss was because I wanted to lift your spirits up, to make you feel better because of that bruise you received. Nothing more." Olga explained, while still retaining her smile. Arnold began to frown. His heart was crushed. "Oh… cheer up, Arnold. I know you'll find another person you can devote to." She said, softly caressing his face. "Maybe... I don't know… you gonna have to wait ten more years before you can finally go out on a date with me." She said, smiling. Arnold finally began to smile back, slowly accepting the truth. Helga was elated with joy and was seen smiling broadly.
"Ooohh… she dumped you! She dumped you good!" Helga thought happily in her mind.
"Well… that's okay… I guess… So… I guess you can't accept those flowers, right?" Arnold said, smiling weakly at her.
"Unfortunately no." Olga replied, as she grabbed the flowers from the stand, "But it was sweet of you to buy them for me. Maybe you can give these lovely flowers to some other girl that you're fond of." She then gave the flowers back to Arnold. "You take care of the bruise now, okay." And with that, Olga concluded by giving Arnold another kiss on the cheek, to both Gerald and Helga's surprise. "And that's for making you feel better," as she playfully pinched his cheeks. Arnold snickered softly and replied:
"Yeah, I know. Thanks for telling the truth, Olga." And with that, Olga gave Arnold wave and went up to her room back. Helga then approached Arnold said to him, "Man! I bet that was an enormous heartbreaker, wasn't it?"
"Yeah," Arnold replied weakly, "Still, I am proud of it though."
Gerald moved towards Arnold and put his hand on his shoulder, "Well, you did your best man. You just gonna hafta wait ten more years before you can date her."
"Yeah…" Arnold replied weakly, "But… she'd probably gotten married by then."
"Cheer up, man." Gerald replied, patting Arnold's shoulder, "There's plenty of girls in the world, and one of them is destined to be with you." Gerald's comment soothes Helga, as she felt she was the one destined to be with Arnold, forever. "C'mon, let's go to Slausen's. I'm buying you ice-cream." Gerald said to Arnold, which he greatly accepted.
"Thanks Gerald. You're a pal." Arnold then looked at Helga. "Helga, since I have no use for these flowers, you can take it." he offered her the flowers. Helga was absolutely shocked, and she had this silly looking smile across her face, sighing blissfully.
Then she slapped herself and scowled, "Uh… yeah, yeah. Whatever, Football Head." And she snatched the flowers from Arnold. He wasn't angry at Helga's attitude display, for he knew the girl well, and left her with her own antics.
"Well, I see you later, Helga." Arnold waved at her, and left her house, walking with Gerald to Slausen's.
VII
Helga watched them walking away from the house, and after they were out of her sight, she sighed blissfully as she hugged the bouquet of flowers tightly. "Ooh… thank you so much, Arnold. And thank you Olga, for dumping Arnold so he could give these flowers to me…" She then ran into her room, into her closet, and put those beautiful flowers around her Arnold shrine. After she was satisfied with the arrangements, she took out her little pink book and her little pink pen and began to write some grade school-level poetry about her beloved Arnold.
As Arnold and Gerald were walking along, Gerald said to his best friend, "So, have you learned a valuable lesson today, my friend?"
"I think so…" Arnold replied unsurely, smiling at his best friend back, "I'll have to wait until I'm old enough to date a girl like Helga's sister."
"Actually," Gerald replied, "I was thinking something along the line of 'I'm terrible with older women, so I should stop trying.'" The both of them laughed, but Arnold felt a little bit insulted by Gerald's comment. He then gave Gerald a playful jab on the shoulder, and Gerald replied back with a more, harder one. Then, they playfully started to trade punches and Gerald successfully pushed Arnold away from him.
"Race ya!" and Gerald ran hastily away.
"Hey, that's not fair!" Arnold replied back good-naturedly and ran after his best friend.
I wish I could make this story longer though, given the comedy goldmine of this type of plot. Well that's about it. I hope you enjoyed reading it and please leave a review.