After setting out on an arduous journey (for Pippin, who's constantly being kissed by the Uruk-Hai) towards Mordor, the Fellowship seeks rest in a cave. Frodo and Sam are happily toasting bananas. Gandalf, Boromir, Gimli and Legolas are smoking, Aragorn is resting his poor legs.

Merry and Pippin are squabbling.

"Oh Pipppiinn!" Merry shouts, "Can you get my pipe please?"

"It's just next to you!" Pippin cries out.

"Remember what you promised? You'll listen to whatever I say during this journey! So… get my pipe!"

Pippin grumbles, picks up pipe and throws it to Merry.

"Oh Pipppiinn! I'd like something to drink!"

Pippin grumbles and gives him a drink.

"Oh Pippiin! Get me some food will you?"

Pippin grumbles and goes over to the Uruk-Hai.

"Yes?" Says the Uruk-Hai, giving Pippin a flirtatious smile, "I know what you want. The cave is dark, and there is this hot female before you. Oh you naughty hobbit!"

"NO!" Pippin screams, "Can you please knock Merry out for me?"

"Oh gladly!" The Uruk-Hai smiles, "I know you want a little privacy while we go about doing our … 'shady business' eh? Shall I knock out the rest too?"

"Just Merry please!" Pippin begs.

"Oh Pipppiin! Where is my food?" Merry urges.

The Uruk-Hai walks over and whacks him on the head. Merry passes out. The Uruk-Hai turns to Pippin, "Shall I douse the fire now? It will be truly dark…"

Before Pippin can say anything, the Uruk-Hai blows out the fire with a single breath. There is total darkness.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! WHY IS IT SO DARK? I'M SCARED OF THE DARK!"

"Who said that?" Gandalf asks, "Why, is it you Legolas?"

"AHHHHHH!" Legolas screams again, "It's pitch black!"

"Hohoho.." Gimli laughs, "You silly elf! I'm not scared of the dark!"

"Shut up you horrible dwarf!" Legolas shouts angrily and whacks the person next to him.

"AHHHH! SOMEBODY WHACKED MY INJURED LEG!" Aragorn screams.

"Opps… sorry, I thought you were Gimli." Legolas apologises.

Suddenly, there is light entering from outside. Eowyn and Faramir enter the cave.

"You know, I think there's too many people to do it privately and passionately?" The Uruk-Hai whispers (very loudly).

Everyone shouts "EWW!" at the same time.

"Faramir! What brings you here?" Boromir asks, "You're here to take over my duty right? I can't wait to get out of this place!"

"Eowyn wanted to come and help!" Faramir says.

"Yes," Eowyn says, "You men are useless when it comes to women. I shall handle this Uruk-Hai."

"GLADLY!" Everyone shouts at the same time and starts to leave the cave.

"WAIT!" Eowyn shouts, "With your help, of course."

Everyone enters back in and grumbles.

"WOW! You are so beautiful!" The Uruk-Hai says to Eowyn.

Eowyn flushes with pleasure, "Thanks! Hey, she's not as bad as I heard she was."

"You'll see …" Boromir mutters.

"Too bad I'm more beautiful than you are!" The Uruk-Hai says and laughs like a maniac.

Eowyn stares at the Uruk-Hai and resist trying to punch her in the face.

"Told you…" Boromir says.

"Oh, by the way, do you have a handkerchief?" The Uruk-Hai asks Eowyn.

"Yeah, what do you need it for?" Eowyn asks.

"See these men…" The Uruk-Hai says, pointing at all the men, "They are all looking at me lecherously."

The men all start coughing.

"As a vulnerable female," The Uruk-Hai continues, "I see a need to protect myself by veiling my face from other men… save Pippin."

Pippin feels faint. Gandalf catches him just in time before he passes out.

"Here you go!" Eowyn says with gritted teeth, giving the Uruk-Hai a HUGE tablecloth.

"I just need a handkerchief! Not something this huge!" The Uruk-Hai protests.

"It's ok!" Eowyn says, "With this, you can cover the rest of your … ur… voluptuous body."

"Oh, you think my body is beautiful too huh?" The Uruk-Hai grins, "But a handkerchief will do. It's not that bad to show off your body once in a while."

Eowyn quickly gives a handkerchief to the Uruk-Hai and goes out to lower her blood pressure. The Uruk-Hai veils herself up in a dainty manner that disgusts the rest.

At this moment, both Pippin and Merry groans and open their eyes. The first thing they see is a veiled Uruk-Hai. They stare at each other, stand up, hug each other and jump in joy.

A sudden gust of wind blows…. And the handkerchief is blown off. Pippin and Merry freeze on the spot and stare in horror at the revealed face of the Uruk-Hai.

Eowyn comes in. "You see!" The Uruk-Hai says smugly, "Men freeze in amazement at the sight of my face!"

"I'll go and get you another handkerchief!" Eowyn barks and goes out.

TBC

Pardon the humourless chapter and the terribly long update. I've been lazy. And Pardon the grammar, I normally write stories in past tense.