Pippin: Hello all!
Merry: We're sent by the author
Pippin: To tell you
Merry & Pippin: Sorry for the terribly long update!
Pippin: It's been a year you know!
Merry: Yeah! Lazy author!
Pippin: But she says to compensate for it…
Merry: The author would…
Pippin: MAKE THE URUK HAI JUMP OF THE CLIFF AND DIE A HORRIBLE MUTILATED DEATH
Author: I didn't say that.
Pippin: meekly okay. She didn't.
Merry: She's just going to make the Uruk-Hai
Pippin: …. Do …. Do…. She's going to make the uruk-hai do a …. a…
Merry: Just let me say it. The Uruk-Hai shall be belly-dancing for you.
Uruk-Hai: Hi you lovely readers! Behold my gorgeous body! starts shaking
Pippin: Hey author, has it occurred to you that
Merry: It's not a pretty sight?
Merry & Pippin: (pukes)

Disclaimer: The Lord of the Rings doesn't belong to me.
"I think we should pass through Moria!" Gimli declares.

Gandalf shudders, "I'm not particularly eager to meet the Balrog again."

"THE BALROG!" Sam cries out, "I have a fine idea! Maybe we could go there and sacrifice the Uruk-Hai to the Balrog!"

"Yeah! Let the Balrog drag her down to the pits of nevermore!" Gimli shouts in encouragement.

"And if one of us gets dragged down too?" Gandalf mutters to himself.

Pippin nods, "Hmm… yeah. Or maybe… she might even fall in love with the Balrog! Why don't you guys start mentioning how handsome the Balrog is so she gets interested? Then she'll seek him out for herself. "

"The Uruk-Hai and the Balrog," Frodo muses, "I wonder how their offspring would look like. No… NO…. NOOO… don't think about it Frodo. Don't think about it, don't think, don't think! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! My brain is polluted!"

Sam takes a pot of water and splashes Frodo on the head.

"Much better, thank you Sam," Frodo says, shaking his head, "Pass me my banana! I need to keep my mind off the …. AHHHHH! Don't start thinking about it again Frodo!"

The Uruk-Hai saunters over, "Hi! What are you guys talking about?" She bends down, stretches out her arm and catches the fleeing Pippin and gives him an affectionate kiss.

"The Balrog," Aragorn says. "It is rumored that the Balrog is a very handsome creature."

Gandalf shudders. Legolas nods affirmatively, "Some say it is even more dashing than I am."

Gimli snorts, "HAH! You weren't dashing to start with!"

"HEY!" Legolas shouts, "I am a very handsome and irresistible elf. I have many fan girls to prove it to you!"

The Uruk-Hai looks at Legolas from head to toe appreciatively and smacks her lips, "Mmm…. Yeah…. I think you're …"

"I'm UGLY! Yeah, Gimli, you're right! I'm so ugly it's unbelievable! I don't want to look into the mirror ever again!" Legolas quickly cries out and hides his face from the Uruk-Hai.

"About this Balrog guy…" The Uruk-Hai changes the topic, eager to talk about the handsome and mysterious dude.

"He is soo charming! Even men like Boromir are attracted, aren't you?" Faramir nudges Boromir.

"That's not… er… yeah… I love him!" Boromir declares flatly.

Eowyn nods vehemently, "I've always loved him all this while…"

Faramir notices with alarm that Eowyn is staring dreamily at Aragorn. He walks over to Aragorn and "accidentally" steps on his legs.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"Are you alright?" Eowyn rushes to his side.

"He's fine!" Faramir says, "Let's go! Let's go!"

Faramir leads the party while Merry and Pippin continue to tell the Uruk-Hai about how the handsome Balrog has been attracted to no woman no matter how beautiful she is.

"I shall entrance him!" The Uruk-Hai declares.

"WOW! A hot spring!" Legolas shouts, "I can finally bathe!"

"Why is there a hot spring here?" Boromir looks at the steaming bubbly water suspiciously.

"The water stinks!" Frodo complains, still munching on his bananas.

"I know! This hot spring must have come from the volcanoes. The stench must have been caused by sulfur from eruptions." Gandalf says, trying to look wise.

"It stinks like those rotten stuffs Gollum used to eat." Sam complains.

"It stinks like the Uruk-Hai," Pippin grimaces, "I wonder when the last time she bathed was."

"I bet you 80 years!" Gimli says.

"I say 160 years!" Legolas says.

"2000 years!" Gandalf shouts from the back.

"I say she's never bathed before!" Merry grins.

Pippin goes over to the Uruk-Hai, "Hi! I have a question."

"You naught little… I know what you want!"

"NO! I just wanted to ask you… when was the last time you took a bath?"

The Uruk-Hai looks at Pippin, silent for a moment, and then replies, "What's a bath?"

Pippin curses under his breath and walks back to the company. "Merry… I think you win."

"All of you have to go in and take a bath!" Gandalf shouts, banging his staff, "I don't care. It's just sulfur I daresay. And nothing can make all of you smell any worse than you already do anyway."

"I'll go change… behind the bushes…" Eowyn says reluctantly.

Faramir's eyes light up but Boromir drags him to where the rest of the men are.

"I'm glad we're men!" Aragorn says happily, "We don't need to go hiding behind bushes or any of those troublesome things."

"Yeah!" Legolas nodded as they all started to take off their tops.

SMACK. SMACK. SLUURRPP. MMMMM. SLURRPP.

"You know… I have this weird feeling that we're being watched …" Boromir says.

MMMMMMMMMM……

"Me too, weird isn't it?" Sam says.

YUMM………

"Could it be my imagination …" Gimli mutters.

SLUURRPPP….

"I feel like Sauron's evil eye is upon me once more," Frodo moans.

………………………………….

"WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING?" Pippin shouts as he runs to the rest of the men.

The men look up and realise that the Uruk-Hai is licking her lips with pleasure as she takes in the sight. "Go on! Go on!"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

The men all run to the bushes.

"HEYY!" Eowyn screams, "What are you guys doing?"

"She stared at me!" Merry screams.

"I FEEL SO VIOLATED!" Gandalf sobs as he covers his bare upper body.

"Excuse me, Gandalf! But I don't think she was looking at that aged body of yours. I'm the one who should feel violated! My young wonderful figure… to be stared at so mercilessly…" Legolas moans.

"Why would she be looking at you?" Gimli shouts, "She was admiring my stout strong body!"

"Don't disgust me!" Boromir interrupts, "Nobody can resist me."

"Haven't you guys heard about the many women that fought over me?" Aragorn says.

"I'm pretty hot back in the Shire too, am I not Mr. Frodo?" Sam asks.

Eowyn clears her throat, "EXCUSE ME GUYS! Do you people actually like being STARED at by her?"

There is silence.

"But … bu… but…. I really do feel violated!" Gandalf sobs again.

"I think the one we should pity is Pippin," Merry says solemnly, shaking his head as if his dear friend had just passed away, "He is out there, sacrificing his mind and body, on a single minded mission to rid the world of evil."

The rest nods and observe a moment of silence for Pippin…

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Pippin's cries fill the air.

The rest shake their head in pity.

"I bet she's kissing him."

"Smothering him probably."

"Maybe she went beyond that…"

"Ugh… I shudder to think what …"

"HEELLLPP MEE! It's… It's… THE WATCHER IN THE WATER!"

The rest are alert immediately. Legolas grabs his bow and runs over to Pippin. Indeed, the watcher in the water with its many tentacles has emerged from the water. Legolas takes aim and shoots it straight into the creature's mouth.

It swallows the arrow.

"Oooh… that was delicious. Thank you! I think you just cured my indigestion." The Watcher in the Water wriggles its tentacles with glee, "I've been having stomach pains for days. It was terrible! Releasing those warm smelly substances into the water …"

Pippin blinks and stares deep into the water that he is half submerged in. The Uruk-Hai is oblivious to everything as she continues to swim around the water happily.

"SULFUR? SULFUR? WHO SAID THIS WAS SULFUR? "

Gandalf looks around as he dons back his clothes, "Oops?"

TBC

Pippin: We're here on behalf of the author again. She says sorry for this not very funny chapter.
Merry: I think she's out of funny juice.
Pippin: Don't talk to me about juice. I think of digestive juice, and then I think of me submerged in that water.
Merry: Yuck.