Hiya, kids!
I am very, very, very sorry that I haven't updated in like 100,000,000 years. That dry spell ends today.
-&-
Oh, hello there. Guess what I'm doing right now? Watching Scotty and James have a jig. Well, it's less a jig and more an awkward, trying-to-step-out-of-the-way-so-the-other-can-walk-past polka, but you get the feel. It's highly amusing to me.
Finally, James grabbed Scotty's shoulders, making him stand still whilst he moved around him.
"Hey, Lily," James said, frowning slightly at the retreating back of Scotty, "Just got back from a date with Ruth."
It is so on, Holme.
"Legs. Scotty's got better legs than your's," I countered.
Oh snap.
James shrugged, "My eyes are less crooked. Have you ever even seen my legs?"
"Well, no, because you're a horrendous over-prudish prune. But I bet Scotty's legs are better."
"This is just a ploy to get me to take off my pants, isn't it? Because you must realize, I will do it," James said.
"There is no need to threaten me," I said, "Just shut up so I can study."
"What? So taking off my pants is threatening?"
"On so many levels."
"What... Oh."
-&-
They discharged me. From the Hospital Wing.
What cheek.
Facial cheek, of course.
…Or butt-ial cheek, whatever is more offensive.
And now there is no real reason for James to tutor me. Damn my non-stupid-ness.
So I'm back at my dorm. Hanging out with Daria.
"And then he was like Oh my god and she was like Oh my god! And I was like 'fraid so."
I nodded dumbly, blocking out most of the mind-numbing drawl of Daria.
"And… Salmon… Oh my god…"
I'm fazing in and out. It's rather nice, really.
"Juice… Penguin… Oh my God… Ruth…"
"What?" I said, finally snapping to attention at the name of Satan (which is Ruth).
"Orange Juice is totally high in calories," Daria said.
"No, before that."
"Ruth is cheating on James with your boyfriend," Daria stated.
WHAT THE HELL?
WHAT THE HELL?
WHAT THE BLOODY HELL?
WHAT THE FUCKING BLOODY HELL?
WHAT THE FUCKING BLOODY SMELLY HELL?
"WHAT? AND HOW LONG HAS THIS ABOMINATION OF A UNITEMENT BEEN GOING ON!"
"Like, a week," Daria informed, filing her nails, "Because, oh my god, Ruth has this thing about you where she, like, has to have the guy you have. It's like a total problem."
Oh it is on.
It is so on.
-&-
There she is. In her canckle-ness. Wallowing in the fat that envelope her legs like… fat. She's gonna look good with two big, black eyes. I'm gonna-
"Miss Evans, either borrow a book and stop floundering around at the back, or I will force you," came a whisper behind me.
"Your Madame Pince accent is awful," I mumbled, still looking at the evil ogress.
"So what are you staring at?" Asked James, crouching down beside me.
I didn't answer.
"You're looking at my girlfriend? Okay, I command you to stop," James said.
"Excuse me? You command me? You can't do that," I declared, "Claus three of the high school politics guidelines: A girl can stalk another girl if she thinks said girl is cheating on girl's boyfriend."
"What?"
"Ruth is cheating on you with Scotty. Scotty is cheating on me with Ruth."
"What the hell? Who would even want to go out with Ruth?" James said, a revolted expression flickering across his striking characteristics.
Oh. My. God. Striking characteristics? Some one kill me.
"You," I said accusingly, "I found you making out with Ruth. Ruth, James. Ruth."
"Yes, but I have mother issues."
"Whatever. Want to go confront her? Or, even better, make out in front of her and force her to cry?"
"Are you proposing we make out?"
"What? No. Shut up, you can never prove I said that."
Well, he can't, can he? And he misunderstood. I meant… Let's make out as in pretend in front of Ruth.
Shut up.
Me' grammatical) or English ,no good-like.
"Watch while I go break up with Ruth," James murmured, malevolence sparkling in his hazel eyes.
I shot him a startled look.
"What? I can be evil too," he said defensively.
"No you can't… You're… James Potter," I said.
"Well, then watch this," he said, as he straightened up to his full height and stalked over to Ruth.
"Oh Ruth? You're dumped. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-dumped!"
"What!" Ruth cried, tears springing into her eyes.
"Scotty and you, I caught you," James said solemnly, "Sorry, but I'm too heartbroken to go out with you right now. It's not me, it's you."
Sobbing hysterically, Ruth ran out, her fat bottom grotesquely wobbling fifty metres behind her.
I was in hysterics, my self, but this was the laugh-y kind.
-&-
"So, now you break up with Scotty," declared James, wiping his hands on his pants.
"What's on your hands?"
"Ruth tears"
"Ah, disgusting."
"Quite."
"So, are you going to break up with Scotty?"
Well... Are you?
Destroy the innocent life of a cock(giggle)-eyed man? Make him wallow after me, forever eating chocolate because it releases the same chemicals in the brain as being in love? ...Oh, yes, I know that.
How do you think Ruth stays happy? Hmmm?
"Lily... You haven't said anything in a really long time..."
"So?" I barked.
Stupid James, insulting my long thoughts and the longevity.
If he was a woman, I'd slap him in the face.
Wait, I can slap him in the face.
I marijuana (crack) myself up.
"So... yes or no? Because we can't really be together if you're with ol' Cockatoo."
OH MY GOD. HE WANTS TO BE WITH ME?
This is all moving a bit too fast.
I feel like I'm in one of those... Things, you know, the real fast cars that aren't actually cars?
Like... Jet cars.
On a different note, did James think I was a strumpetess?
That I would just go off with him, just because!
He doesn't even know I like him yet.
What a man-bitch. He thinks I'll just throw myself on him. That is it, he is a definite laggard.
"Lily..."
"I don't know if I can... yet... Maybe later..." I mumbled absent-mindedly.
"What?"
"I don't know if I can, yet."
"WHAT?"
"You heard me."
"Why?... I thought you liked me.."
"Did I ever say that I liked you?"
"Well... You said we should make out..."
"Shut up."
-&-
And there I leave you! I can't really complain about my life... Nothing very interesting has been happening to me.
So on to the reviews,
GodessoftheMaaN: Yes, Scotty did seem nice. But behind his facade of goofy eyeball syndrome, he was pure evil.
Brilliant Genius Number 7: Happy pants time indeed.
Queen Noisla: I'm glad you like my names, you modern art lemur, you.
Zabinisgirl: Thank you for thinking that I am fantastic. It's all just a rouse.
I love Lupin AND Potter: Yay! I'll have to check your story, then, I was starting to give up hope.
Katie: Oh there shall be Lily/James action. And it shall be very soon.
Tas: I know, my favorite T-shirt has scratches on the back from a bunny. Who knew bunnies had little tiny claws! WHO?
Kute Anime Kitty: Hmm, how do I think the insults up? Usually I just throng a couple of words together, and voila, and insult is made.
Pumpkin.pie.eyes: I kind of did get it, but Ruth just god-blast-it wouldn't listen to me. But she doesn't have a choice now, does she? Muhahaha!
Alaskan Chick: Why, thank you.
Phsyco-pyro-shrink: Heheh. I used the "cock-eyed" phrase in this chapter a number of times. Twas hilarious.
Renee: Yes, we are too cool. It's a problem, for the haters, yo, but they'll get over it, G. (Oh my God, I am so white) (cringes).
Snuffles101: Your dreams are odd. I had a dream that I was in a public library with my friends, when suddenly my fourth grade teacher came up to me and told me to get out because only celebrities were allowed in the library. Which I thought was odd, and so I got angry and was lead outside. And then I met a man with a carrot stuck in his pants. What happened to my neighbours' cat? Well, it was held down and forced to eat cake. It hates my little brother so much right now, it's comical.
GaryLovesPickles: Is this bad enough for Ruth? I'm not much of a sadist, so I don't know...
Lilied: Yay! Did you see I got her out of the hospital wing to make you like me?
Evi: Am too.
Ali (aka Queen Noisla): You already reviews so when I saw this I had a bit of a "...?" moment, but don't worry.
PrincessMia737: Thanks a bunch of rubber chickens! Please do recommend. It's one of the greatest stories on this site? I beg to differ.
Special thanks to Snuffles101 for recomending my story. Other people who recommend will also get one of these little special mentions and a plaque and a can of Spam.
That's all for now, my precious little fox-chickens,
Love,
Trapped Rabbit.